"Why do you have that thing?"
March 5, 2015 5:01 AM Subscribe
A taste of the harassment and scrutiny experienced by one young disabled woman.
The bus driver sees me and sees my cane. I see the frustration in his face. He reluctantly opens the doors but refuses to lower the front of the bus for me to get on. I board anyway. As I walk by, I hear him grumble, “Yeah right”.
My classmate asks me if I really need “the stick”, and suggests that if I do come to the get-together at the beach, it might be best if I leave it behind. Just so no one feels awkward.
The bus driver sees me and sees my cane. I see the frustration in his face. He reluctantly opens the doors but refuses to lower the front of the bus for me to get on. I board anyway. As I walk by, I hear him grumble, “Yeah right”.
My classmate asks me if I really need “the stick”, and suggests that if I do come to the get-together at the beach, it might be best if I leave it behind. Just so no one feels awkward.
You know, none of the rudeness/horribleness of the people she encountered surprised me, because so many people are so rude and so horrible, but then I got to this:
My doctor tells me that I am just depressed and that I need to get out more. He tells me to go for long walks in the sunshine. I ask him about pain management options. He tells me that I should take up a hobby. He suggests knitting.
What the hell. I know we've had bad doctor stories on here before but that one just made my head explode.
posted by JanetLand at 5:22 AM on March 5, 2015 [16 favorites]
My doctor tells me that I am just depressed and that I need to get out more. He tells me to go for long walks in the sunshine. I ask him about pain management options. He tells me that I should take up a hobby. He suggests knitting.
What the hell. I know we've had bad doctor stories on here before but that one just made my head explode.
posted by JanetLand at 5:22 AM on March 5, 2015 [16 favorites]
Wow, some of these just blew me away.
My sweetie had a stroke in October; he can now walk again, but his gait is still asymmetrical and sometimes awkward. He used a wheelchair for a while, then a cane. It's just one of the things that can happen when you're the owner of a human body; they're fragile like that. Resilient, yet fragile.
It can happen to any of us, quite easily; needing a cane or another device for walking really should not make anyone look twice.
I guess that in her case, it's her young age that makes people think she can't actually need that thing. She probably looks 'too normal'.
No one gave my sweetie a hard time about his cane. But he's 55, and also large/intimidating.
Good post, thanks for posting.
posted by Too-Ticky at 5:35 AM on March 5, 2015
My sweetie had a stroke in October; he can now walk again, but his gait is still asymmetrical and sometimes awkward. He used a wheelchair for a while, then a cane. It's just one of the things that can happen when you're the owner of a human body; they're fragile like that. Resilient, yet fragile.
It can happen to any of us, quite easily; needing a cane or another device for walking really should not make anyone look twice.
I guess that in her case, it's her young age that makes people think she can't actually need that thing. She probably looks 'too normal'.
No one gave my sweetie a hard time about his cane. But he's 55, and also large/intimidating.
Good post, thanks for posting.
posted by Too-Ticky at 5:35 AM on March 5, 2015
I have had experiences traveling with a disabled relative where people exhibit great kindness, consideration and respect. On one visit to a small city in Pennsylvania helpers seemed to come out of the woodwork. This was for a middle-aged woman using a rolling walker as the result of a stroke who looked otherwise fine.
Certainly, humans can be cold and uncaring. They can also surprise you. I am sorry that this blogger so rarely encounters the latter.
posted by kinnakeet at 6:05 AM on March 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Certainly, humans can be cold and uncaring. They can also surprise you. I am sorry that this blogger so rarely encounters the latter.
posted by kinnakeet at 6:05 AM on March 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
One of the tags in her post was "invisible illness". I think that's key to understanding the reactions she's getting. When someone presents as typically-abled, people have a hard time understanding that they have a disability, and they are less empathetic.
I have MS, but it is a very mild case on the scale of things. I present as perfectly healthy. And yet there are times when I simply can't stay on my feet. I am so utterly physically exhausted -- and my legs in particular are exhausted and feel like they're made out of lead -- that I can't stand up any longer. When I get on the subway after work and need to take a seat, I feel like a shit. It's embarrassing, because I look like a healthy middle-aged guy who should be standing up and leaving the seats for someone else. But I'm not. And short of wearing a sign saying "Invisible Disability Located Here" there's nothing I can do.
In the case of the blogger, I think the fact that she's female also contributes to the hassle she's getting. People are more likely to just get into a woman's business in a way that they wouldn't with a man.
posted by alms at 6:07 AM on March 5, 2015 [26 favorites]
I have MS, but it is a very mild case on the scale of things. I present as perfectly healthy. And yet there are times when I simply can't stay on my feet. I am so utterly physically exhausted -- and my legs in particular are exhausted and feel like they're made out of lead -- that I can't stand up any longer. When I get on the subway after work and need to take a seat, I feel like a shit. It's embarrassing, because I look like a healthy middle-aged guy who should be standing up and leaving the seats for someone else. But I'm not. And short of wearing a sign saying "Invisible Disability Located Here" there's nothing I can do.
In the case of the blogger, I think the fact that she's female also contributes to the hassle she's getting. People are more likely to just get into a woman's business in a way that they wouldn't with a man.
posted by alms at 6:07 AM on March 5, 2015 [26 favorites]
A long time ago my mother broke her ankle and I often functioned as sort of a living cane for a while. That resulted in a reflex where whenever I crossed rough ground (steep curbs, stairs or gaps getting off the train, etc.) I would half turn and see if the person behind me needed a hand to lean on. It had to be quick because if whoever it was didn't want a hand they probably wanted me out of the way asap. The gesture must have been recognizable because a surprising number of people took me up on the offer. The demographic did skew to older folks and folks wrangling luggage or children and otherwise slightly female (I am a woman so that probably had some effect) but included a number of people I probably wouldn't have offered help to if I actually looked first before guessing who needed help. I wonder now how many of the people I assumed were just accepting a courtesy actually did have invisible mobility issues.
posted by Karmakaze at 6:12 AM on March 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Karmakaze at 6:12 AM on March 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
when people interrogate her about why she uses a cane, she should say she was nearly beaten to death by a person when she asked him a question about his cane, isn't it ironic? And then she should start moving towards the questioner.
i keep meaning to do this when somebody asks me a question about why my wheelchair, but i keep shying away from it.
posted by angrycat at 6:13 AM on March 5, 2015 [36 favorites]
i keep meaning to do this when somebody asks me a question about why my wheelchair, but i keep shying away from it.
posted by angrycat at 6:13 AM on March 5, 2015 [36 favorites]
I think there's a disconnect in people's minds that just can't equate seeing a young person with a cane or other assistive device. I also think it's an even bigger disconnect when that person is good-looking. I have a very good-looking friend who has a quite noticeable hitch in her walk. She uses a cane only occasionally, but when she does, get looks and whisperings. It just doesn't compute for some people; she sets them to rights pretty quickly though.
But rude and clueless people will be rude and clueless whatever the situation. My mother, who had MS, was quite clearly disabled, but got around well on an electric scooter. I remember one time in my early teens when I was holding a door for my mom to scoot through and the woman behind us started berating my mother for being lazy and making me hold the door. The woman made my mother cry, and I wish I had the courage to have told that woman off.
posted by ElleElle at 6:25 AM on March 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
But rude and clueless people will be rude and clueless whatever the situation. My mother, who had MS, was quite clearly disabled, but got around well on an electric scooter. I remember one time in my early teens when I was holding a door for my mom to scoot through and the woman behind us started berating my mother for being lazy and making me hold the door. The woman made my mother cry, and I wish I had the courage to have told that woman off.
posted by ElleElle at 6:25 AM on March 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
I used to date someone who needed a cane or a crutch to deal with complications from surgeries for a congenital spinal defect. She was young, and very attractive by conventional measures, and other than one leg having a funny angle if you looked closely, she looked totally healthy. So perhaps this is a response to too-ticky's last point, but in the time we were involved I never saw anyone roll their eyes, mock her disability, or disbelieve her. In fact men, especially, would go crazily out of their way to assist her in often silly and unnecessary and patronizing ways, like running half a block to catch up with her so they could carry her bag or open a door or whatever, all out of breath. She used to laugh about wanting a lot *less* solicitous acknowledgment of her disability. So I think gender/attractiveness can play a role in what the op describes here, not merely in the negative.
Being a college teacher has made me especially cynical on this issue, however. But I've learned MeFi is no place to discuss the fact that there is plenty of abuse of our expanding system of disability accommodations going on in the US these days.
posted by spitbull at 6:42 AM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Being a college teacher has made me especially cynical on this issue, however. But I've learned MeFi is no place to discuss the fact that there is plenty of abuse of our expanding system of disability accommodations going on in the US these days.
posted by spitbull at 6:42 AM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I work with people who are applying for disability benefits and several times a week I talk to someone who is crying because the people in their life don't believe that they're disabled, as though this is a kind of attention anyone wants.
posted by bile and syntax at 6:47 AM on March 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 6:47 AM on March 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
Cane use ain't just for the disabled - I had to use one for a few months after breaking a foot, first with a boot and then a month or so with just the cane. And it blew my mind how many people who were sitting down on the subway when I was standing and struggling to hold onto the pole would look right at me, look right at my cane, and then look away and pretend they hadn't seen me.
Although there was a great moment when I was sitting and a pregnant woman got on, but no one stood up for her - so after a couple minutes, I did. And then she and I looked at each other for a split second, had the same thought, and then started talking with artificially-elevated voices about gee, how funny was it that the only person to give her seat to the pregnant lady was the lady with the cane, land sakes, what is this world coming to... No one sitting around us said anything, but they could hear us, and damn that felt good.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:59 AM on March 5, 2015 [29 favorites]
Although there was a great moment when I was sitting and a pregnant woman got on, but no one stood up for her - so after a couple minutes, I did. And then she and I looked at each other for a split second, had the same thought, and then started talking with artificially-elevated voices about gee, how funny was it that the only person to give her seat to the pregnant lady was the lady with the cane, land sakes, what is this world coming to... No one sitting around us said anything, but they could hear us, and damn that felt good.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:59 AM on March 5, 2015 [29 favorites]
Being a college teacher has made me especially cynical on this issue, however. But I've learned MeFi is no place to discuss the fact that there is plenty of abuse of our expanding system of disability accommodations going on in the US these days.
Just a reminder that any system to help the disabled will either err on the side of letting some people abuse it or err on the side of screwing over some people who are actually disabled.
It is not possible to create an effective system to help the disabled without letting go of the self-righteous fury to make sure nobody ever gets something they don't deserve.
posted by straight at 7:27 AM on March 5, 2015 [62 favorites]
Just a reminder that any system to help the disabled will either err on the side of letting some people abuse it or err on the side of screwing over some people who are actually disabled.
It is not possible to create an effective system to help the disabled without letting go of the self-righteous fury to make sure nobody ever gets something they don't deserve.
posted by straight at 7:27 AM on March 5, 2015 [62 favorites]
Yes. Yes. Yes.
As I've mentioned, I have both chronic invisible disability and currently, more obvious lower leg injuries from being hit by a car. I probably don't NEED my remaining large aircast, and could make do with a lighter, less visible brace. However, because I use the type of forearm crutches associated with permanent movement imapirment, I keep the cast, for now. Why? For the exact type of encounters the FPP eloquently and cruelly states.
My observation is that my presumably temporary cast is something currently able-bodied people can relate to themselves - and that it's fixable and not my fault. Whereas my more "serious" crutches and asymmetric, halting walk signal I am the incapable, guilty (of what?!) Other. A burden on society in general and on them in particular, in that moment on the bus, in the store, on the street. So, their avoidance is from fear or disgust.
But there's also the active harassment. Bullying. To be honest, I think I am ignored or avoided by people who believe I could hurt them back if they bother me, and actively interfered with by folks who perceive me as helpless. The ones who are rude but aren't physically aggressive, I am guessing, are having cognitive discomfort between their categories of seeing a middle-aged physically intact person with the "wrong"/disabled accessories &/or behavior - my mobility aids and sitting in the reserved seats. They take out their mental/emotional discomfort on me.
I may add a more personal anecdote about this, but I'm getting ready for the cabulance to take me to physical therapy. 3 times a week for 2-3 hours, for nothing being wrong, ha.
posted by Dreidl at 7:32 AM on March 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
As I've mentioned, I have both chronic invisible disability and currently, more obvious lower leg injuries from being hit by a car. I probably don't NEED my remaining large aircast, and could make do with a lighter, less visible brace. However, because I use the type of forearm crutches associated with permanent movement imapirment, I keep the cast, for now. Why? For the exact type of encounters the FPP eloquently and cruelly states.
My observation is that my presumably temporary cast is something currently able-bodied people can relate to themselves - and that it's fixable and not my fault. Whereas my more "serious" crutches and asymmetric, halting walk signal I am the incapable, guilty (of what?!) Other. A burden on society in general and on them in particular, in that moment on the bus, in the store, on the street. So, their avoidance is from fear or disgust.
But there's also the active harassment. Bullying. To be honest, I think I am ignored or avoided by people who believe I could hurt them back if they bother me, and actively interfered with by folks who perceive me as helpless. The ones who are rude but aren't physically aggressive, I am guessing, are having cognitive discomfort between their categories of seeing a middle-aged physically intact person with the "wrong"/disabled accessories &/or behavior - my mobility aids and sitting in the reserved seats. They take out their mental/emotional discomfort on me.
I may add a more personal anecdote about this, but I'm getting ready for the cabulance to take me to physical therapy. 3 times a week for 2-3 hours, for nothing being wrong, ha.
posted by Dreidl at 7:32 AM on March 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
I work with people who are applying for disability benefits and several times a week I talk to someone who is crying because the people in their life don't believe that they're disabled, as though this is a kind of attention anyone wants.
i went thru a (now resolved) hellish disability benefits issue b/c they decided i was a fraud...i became depressed, then suicidal. when i called a suicide hotline, the person said i was the 3rd person that had called that day about losing benefits.
i really wish the US had systems that erred on the side of letting some people abuse them. for disabled people, the alternative approach causes tremendous fear of losing benefits and being royally screwed (once you get the benefits, which is a whole other anxiety). i don't look sick/disabled. but i am. the doubt and disdain and lack of support are incredibly demoralizing.
laura hillenbrand powerfully describes her initial experience with CFS (relatable experience for anyone w/invisible illness):
I learned that I was facing not only a catastrophic disease, but a poisonous stigma as well.
Like so many other patients, I felt the stigma every day. I was called lazy and a deadbeat and accused of playing for attention and pretending to be ill. From doctors, acquaintances, even relatives, I received not compassion and care but hostility, derision, disgust, dismissal. When I asked for help, I was excoriated for troubling other people just so I could enjoy being waited on. Intellectually, I understood that my illness was real, and that I was blameless. But emotionally, it was impossible to be steeped in scorn without absorbing it. CFS took everything from me, and in its place left grinding, relentless shame. I was ashamed of myself, ashamed of the failure of my body, ashamed of my helplessness.
That shame was ruinous. I became so afraid of encountering contempt that I avoided seeking help even when I desperately needed it, compounding my suffering exponentially and leading me into relapses. When I couldnt avoid asking for help, I felt overwhelmed by guilt, especially when the assistance I requested was given with bitterness. Over and over again, I drove myself to collapse to prove that I wasnt malingering. Worst of all, I felt so suffused with shame that I couldnt offer my body the compassion that it needed to heal.
My disease became my dirty little secret. Whenever I could hide it, I did, fearing that disclosure would bring humiliation. (from http://forums.phoenixrising.me/index.php?threads/laura-hillenbrand-articles-on-me-cfs.11542/)
posted by JBD at 7:53 AM on March 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
i went thru a (now resolved) hellish disability benefits issue b/c they decided i was a fraud...i became depressed, then suicidal. when i called a suicide hotline, the person said i was the 3rd person that had called that day about losing benefits.
i really wish the US had systems that erred on the side of letting some people abuse them. for disabled people, the alternative approach causes tremendous fear of losing benefits and being royally screwed (once you get the benefits, which is a whole other anxiety). i don't look sick/disabled. but i am. the doubt and disdain and lack of support are incredibly demoralizing.
laura hillenbrand powerfully describes her initial experience with CFS (relatable experience for anyone w/invisible illness):
I learned that I was facing not only a catastrophic disease, but a poisonous stigma as well.
Like so many other patients, I felt the stigma every day. I was called lazy and a deadbeat and accused of playing for attention and pretending to be ill. From doctors, acquaintances, even relatives, I received not compassion and care but hostility, derision, disgust, dismissal. When I asked for help, I was excoriated for troubling other people just so I could enjoy being waited on. Intellectually, I understood that my illness was real, and that I was blameless. But emotionally, it was impossible to be steeped in scorn without absorbing it. CFS took everything from me, and in its place left grinding, relentless shame. I was ashamed of myself, ashamed of the failure of my body, ashamed of my helplessness.
That shame was ruinous. I became so afraid of encountering contempt that I avoided seeking help even when I desperately needed it, compounding my suffering exponentially and leading me into relapses. When I couldnt avoid asking for help, I felt overwhelmed by guilt, especially when the assistance I requested was given with bitterness. Over and over again, I drove myself to collapse to prove that I wasnt malingering. Worst of all, I felt so suffused with shame that I couldnt offer my body the compassion that it needed to heal.
My disease became my dirty little secret. Whenever I could hide it, I did, fearing that disclosure would bring humiliation. (from http://forums.phoenixrising.me/index.php?threads/laura-hillenbrand-articles-on-me-cfs.11542/)
posted by JBD at 7:53 AM on March 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
Cane use ain't just for the disabled - I had to use one for a few months after breaking a foot, first with a boot and then a month or so with just the cane.
In the final analysis, able-bodied people are only temporarily so. That's why universal accessibility is for everyone.
From the article:
Now very embarrassed, I repeat that it is mine. In response the sweet elderly lady launches into a sermon about the wonders of fish oil and how I can take it daily to treat my arthritis. I don’t have arthritis.
My (blind) husband was once approached on a bus by some guy who said, "You should go to the dentist. A friend of mine went to the dentist to have some fillings done and that cured his blindness!"
Also some other random dude: "Your white cane. Does it vibrate?"
Several years later, we still wonder aloud about what would lead someone to the notion that it vibrates.
what on earth makes someone react this way to people? like in EmpressCallipygos story or the ones from the main post or any of the other ones related here in the comments?
Well, the short answer is bigotry. These people are not just "rude," they are first and foremost engaging in political acts and declarations that say "your worth as a member of society is significantly less than mine."
To reduce it down to mere etiquette is somewhat missing the point, methinks.
Experience tells me some people can be outwardly "polite" in their public face, when their actions or private thoughts reveal them to be pretty nasty pieces of work.
Being a college teacher has made me especially cynical on this issue, however. But I've learned MeFi is no place to discuss the fact that there is plenty of abuse of our expanding system of disability accommodations going on in the US these days.
Well, it's a perfectly fine place if you've got some citations and evidence to start that discussion with.
But I think you've missed the point of the FPP - this isn't about fraud. This is about someone with a bona fide disability saying that she is unrelentingly interrogated, ridiculed and insulted by people in no position to make the call about whether she's "properly" disabled, whatever that means.
But meh. What straight said.
When someone is in a position to provide an accommodation, and their first reaction to encountering a request for accommodation is to greet it with cynicism (n.b. I'm NOT implying this is yours) rather than good faith until proven otherwise, I'd argue that person is a bigot.
Someone carrying out systematic review of the need for an accommodation is one thing, and a completely valid one.
But this also assumes some kind of level playing field.
Caveat being that this sometimes gets carried out with caprice or bureaucratic rigidity by the person in power making that call, and when someone has a complex disability or one that is invisible, or transient, this gets messy really fast.
When we have someone doing a visual triage of a passenger boarding a bus when they're in no clinical, official or, heck, any social position to do so, and then making a bigoted comment towards them, as the author relates in the article, then we've got straight-up bigotry. To call it "rudeness" is selling it a little short:
The bus driver sees me and sees my cane. I see the frustration in his face. He reluctantly opens the doors but refuses to lower the front of the bus for me to get on. I board anyway. As I walk by, I hear him grumble, “Yeah right”.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:01 AM on March 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
In the final analysis, able-bodied people are only temporarily so. That's why universal accessibility is for everyone.
From the article:
Now very embarrassed, I repeat that it is mine. In response the sweet elderly lady launches into a sermon about the wonders of fish oil and how I can take it daily to treat my arthritis. I don’t have arthritis.
My (blind) husband was once approached on a bus by some guy who said, "You should go to the dentist. A friend of mine went to the dentist to have some fillings done and that cured his blindness!"
Also some other random dude: "Your white cane. Does it vibrate?"
Several years later, we still wonder aloud about what would lead someone to the notion that it vibrates.
what on earth makes someone react this way to people? like in EmpressCallipygos story or the ones from the main post or any of the other ones related here in the comments?
Well, the short answer is bigotry. These people are not just "rude," they are first and foremost engaging in political acts and declarations that say "your worth as a member of society is significantly less than mine."
To reduce it down to mere etiquette is somewhat missing the point, methinks.
Experience tells me some people can be outwardly "polite" in their public face, when their actions or private thoughts reveal them to be pretty nasty pieces of work.
Being a college teacher has made me especially cynical on this issue, however. But I've learned MeFi is no place to discuss the fact that there is plenty of abuse of our expanding system of disability accommodations going on in the US these days.
Well, it's a perfectly fine place if you've got some citations and evidence to start that discussion with.
But I think you've missed the point of the FPP - this isn't about fraud. This is about someone with a bona fide disability saying that she is unrelentingly interrogated, ridiculed and insulted by people in no position to make the call about whether she's "properly" disabled, whatever that means.
But meh. What straight said.
When someone is in a position to provide an accommodation, and their first reaction to encountering a request for accommodation is to greet it with cynicism (n.b. I'm NOT implying this is yours) rather than good faith until proven otherwise, I'd argue that person is a bigot.
Someone carrying out systematic review of the need for an accommodation is one thing, and a completely valid one.
But this also assumes some kind of level playing field.
Caveat being that this sometimes gets carried out with caprice or bureaucratic rigidity by the person in power making that call, and when someone has a complex disability or one that is invisible, or transient, this gets messy really fast.
When we have someone doing a visual triage of a passenger boarding a bus when they're in no clinical, official or, heck, any social position to do so, and then making a bigoted comment towards them, as the author relates in the article, then we've got straight-up bigotry. To call it "rudeness" is selling it a little short:
The bus driver sees me and sees my cane. I see the frustration in his face. He reluctantly opens the doors but refuses to lower the front of the bus for me to get on. I board anyway. As I walk by, I hear him grumble, “Yeah right”.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:01 AM on March 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
I think part of the problem stems from the harassers only perceiving a cane as an assistive device. They don't perceive a cane as a potential weapon that could be used to beat the crap out of them. A few well-publicized clobberings ought to adjust public perception, and then they'd treat people with more respect.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:02 AM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:02 AM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
A few well-publicized clobberings ought to adjust public perception, and then they'd treat people with more respect.
My husband is 240 lbs of former-competitive-powerlifter blind guy, with an above-average walking speed.
I disclaim any and all knowledge of revenge tramplings or body-checking carried out under the guise of "Oh, sorry. Didn't see you there" that may or may not have happened in past or that may or may not happen at some future date.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:07 AM on March 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
My husband is 240 lbs of former-competitive-powerlifter blind guy, with an above-average walking speed.
I disclaim any and all knowledge of revenge tramplings or body-checking carried out under the guise of "Oh, sorry. Didn't see you there" that may or may not have happened in past or that may or may not happen at some future date.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:07 AM on March 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
I broke my femur and tore up my knee playing football in HS. I spent a month or so in a wheelchair, and then ~9 months on crutches and then several with a cane. I was pretty self conscious about it at the time.
People can be assholes - especially teenagers. I recall once, between classes, as I hobbled along, a classmate came up behind me and grabbed my crutch and took off. As he ran down the hall, I threw the other crutch like a javelin and hit him square in the back of the head. He bloodied up his nose pretty good when he hit the floor. I was fortunate I didn't kill him, and the principal was NOT pleased. And of course, some kids would do the low grade aggressions, like fuck with the crutches, or hide them or whatever*.
Old people (anyone over 25, probably - I was 16) would make comments, like tell me it can't be broken - it's not in a cast! Eat more fish oil, and it will heal right up! Thing was - as a young person, old people feel like they can talk to you all the time. Once, some old guy at the bus stop told me my long hair was the reason we were losing out to the Commies and Drug Addicts. A older woman tsk-tsked at my ripped jeans and suggested that maybe my parents should get off welfare and buy me better clothes. So it wasn't as though old people getting my face about this that or the other seemed out of the ordinary.
I had hip surgery a few years ago. I was on crutches for a couple weeks, and then a cane for months. Maybe it's because I'm an older dude - and have far fewer fucks to give - but nobody said shit to me like when I was a kid. Nobody. It wasn't even a thing. I didn't even get the stares and whispers like when I was a kid.
*And of course, there are always nice people - who hold doors, or offer to help carry things. Who smile and just want to make conversation. Or my friends in HS - there was a fire alarm (not a drill) and the elevator for whatever reason wasn't working. So they carried me down the stairs and outside. They'd arrange to have someone drive get me so I could hang out - because getting to the bus stop in a MN winter on crutches is nigh impossible.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:14 AM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
People can be assholes - especially teenagers. I recall once, between classes, as I hobbled along, a classmate came up behind me and grabbed my crutch and took off. As he ran down the hall, I threw the other crutch like a javelin and hit him square in the back of the head. He bloodied up his nose pretty good when he hit the floor. I was fortunate I didn't kill him, and the principal was NOT pleased. And of course, some kids would do the low grade aggressions, like fuck with the crutches, or hide them or whatever*.
Old people (anyone over 25, probably - I was 16) would make comments, like tell me it can't be broken - it's not in a cast! Eat more fish oil, and it will heal right up! Thing was - as a young person, old people feel like they can talk to you all the time. Once, some old guy at the bus stop told me my long hair was the reason we were losing out to the Commies and Drug Addicts. A older woman tsk-tsked at my ripped jeans and suggested that maybe my parents should get off welfare and buy me better clothes. So it wasn't as though old people getting my face about this that or the other seemed out of the ordinary.
I had hip surgery a few years ago. I was on crutches for a couple weeks, and then a cane for months. Maybe it's because I'm an older dude - and have far fewer fucks to give - but nobody said shit to me like when I was a kid. Nobody. It wasn't even a thing. I didn't even get the stares and whispers like when I was a kid.
*And of course, there are always nice people - who hold doors, or offer to help carry things. Who smile and just want to make conversation. Or my friends in HS - there was a fire alarm (not a drill) and the elevator for whatever reason wasn't working. So they carried me down the stairs and outside. They'd arrange to have someone drive get me so I could hang out - because getting to the bus stop in a MN winter on crutches is nigh impossible.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:14 AM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Just a reminder that any system to help the disabled will either err on the side of letting some people abuse it or err on the side of screwing over some people who are actually disabled
Yes. The concern about anyone potentially abusing disability benefits -- which are notoriously difficult to get, from offices that have years of backlogged cases -- is eerily reminiscent of the concern about voter fraud.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:16 AM on March 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
Yes. The concern about anyone potentially abusing disability benefits -- which are notoriously difficult to get, from offices that have years of backlogged cases -- is eerily reminiscent of the concern about voter fraud.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:16 AM on March 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
"Your white cane. Does it vibrate?"
You're kidding, right?
posted by Rat Spatula at 8:16 AM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Your white cane. Does it vibrate?"
True story. Swear on my life. We've got more, but that seemed like the best one to bring up here, for the reasons you cited. :)
We are 100 per cent positive that this dude was not being ironic and shit.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:19 AM on March 5, 2015
True story. Swear on my life. We've got more, but that seemed like the best one to bring up here, for the reasons you cited. :)
We are 100 per cent positive that this dude was not being ironic and shit.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:19 AM on March 5, 2015
Pogo - you've reminded me of something an actor I worked with once told us about; he was in the middle of going through chemotherapy for non-Hodgkins' Lymphoma, but was still active and strong enough to do a show (seriously, this guy was the most monomaniacally driven man I've ever met in my life: we were doing a Sam Shepard play and he would bring a rope to chemo with him and practice lassoing the IV pole during appointments because the part called for it).
And he reported that once in a while people would ask him why he shaved his head, was he a skinhead or something? And he took great and malicious delight in saying "No. It's CANCER." And just staring at them until they apologized.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:24 AM on March 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
And he reported that once in a while people would ask him why he shaved his head, was he a skinhead or something? And he took great and malicious delight in saying "No. It's CANCER." And just staring at them until they apologized.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:24 AM on March 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
I miss my friend, Doug. Doug was an advocate for disability rights, brutally smart and incisive, and routinely wore a t-shirt emblazoned with "piss on pity". Doug had osteogenesis imperfecta, and was so proud of the fact that he broke more bones than Evel Knievel that he dressed at Knievel complete with cape for Hallowe'en one year. He also had a bumper sticker on his van that read "O.I. Kids: Give 'em a break."
Doug lived far longer than the doctors projected, but ultimately it was complications from OI that took his life. I miss Doug.
Doug attended the Democratic National Convention when it was in San Diego since the DNC was a strong supporter of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Doug found it particularly funny when he couldn't get access to one particular event because the doorway wasn't wide enough. He quoted the Spinal Tap Stonehenge fiasco. It was also at the convention when Doug was prevented from going to the bathroom by a prominent press reporter who was taking up the handicap stall and what had been done to the stall has since been referred to as a blitzer.
Doug was Doug. He hated being your teachable moment, but he was happy to talk about issues.
At one point, I was one the same leg of a flight with Doug and he asked me to push him up to the counter at the gate (this is, in and of itself, unusual because Doug didn't often ask for help and usually only when the terrain was especially hilly or rough for which helpers were granted the title "gimp wrangler" by Doug with all the rights and privileges thereunto appertaining). Doug had a coach seat, which presents all kinds of difficulty for him in transferring from his chair. I stood by Doug as he did his check in and the clerk upgraded him to first class and then upgraded his aide too (me). We boarded and ordered a couple glasses of white wine and I thanked Doug and with a smile, he said, "membership has its privileges."
And this writing reminds me of how much I miss Doug and I imagine all the wonderfully witty things he would have done or said under those circumstances.
posted by plinth at 8:37 AM on March 5, 2015 [23 favorites]
Doug lived far longer than the doctors projected, but ultimately it was complications from OI that took his life. I miss Doug.
Doug attended the Democratic National Convention when it was in San Diego since the DNC was a strong supporter of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Doug found it particularly funny when he couldn't get access to one particular event because the doorway wasn't wide enough. He quoted the Spinal Tap Stonehenge fiasco. It was also at the convention when Doug was prevented from going to the bathroom by a prominent press reporter who was taking up the handicap stall and what had been done to the stall has since been referred to as a blitzer.
Doug was Doug. He hated being your teachable moment, but he was happy to talk about issues.
At one point, I was one the same leg of a flight with Doug and he asked me to push him up to the counter at the gate (this is, in and of itself, unusual because Doug didn't often ask for help and usually only when the terrain was especially hilly or rough for which helpers were granted the title "gimp wrangler" by Doug with all the rights and privileges thereunto appertaining). Doug had a coach seat, which presents all kinds of difficulty for him in transferring from his chair. I stood by Doug as he did his check in and the clerk upgraded him to first class and then upgraded his aide too (me). We boarded and ordered a couple glasses of white wine and I thanked Doug and with a smile, he said, "membership has its privileges."
And this writing reminds me of how much I miss Doug and I imagine all the wonderfully witty things he would have done or said under those circumstances.
posted by plinth at 8:37 AM on March 5, 2015 [23 favorites]
as complete aside, using my wheelchair as kind of a moving cattle guard like they put on front of trains if people are walking four abreast a la sex in the city and are in my way is REALLY SATISFYING
on the other hand, this once to a led to a weird moment where I got called the n-word before the person who had been (somewhat necessarily) cattle guarded whirled around and saw my pale, pale face
posted by angrycat at 9:25 AM on March 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
on the other hand, this once to a led to a weird moment where I got called the n-word before the person who had been (somewhat necessarily) cattle guarded whirled around and saw my pale, pale face
posted by angrycat at 9:25 AM on March 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I kind of love that this is starting to turn into "people coming up with bad-ass ways to snark back at rude people".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:29 AM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:29 AM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Last March I busted up my knee. I needed an immobilizer for two weeks, and then walked with a cane until September. On really bad days I still need it.
I had people actually kick my leg in the immobilizer and say "Get your fuckin' leg outta my way". I had people refuse to get out of a seat when I actually said to them, "Excuse me, I would like to sit down." I had someone complain about me at work, because they said I shouldn't need the cane to get to my desk and I should leave it in the coat closet. I've had people shove past me trying to get on the bus when I had the cane. I had a shithead on a bicycle, riding on the sidewalk here in Seattle, kick me in the goddamn messed-up knee because I wasn't moving out of his way fast enough. (He was not happy about what a cane can do to an expensive bike's wheel spokes, but I told him that I wasn't going to call the cops about his goddamn fucking assault and battery on me so he could deal with it.)
It's insane.
(Oh, and two middle fingers to the doctor who told me it was a torn meniscus, then pulled me along for six months before telling me that he wouldn't do the surgery until I got my weight down to 250. A second and third opinion came up with "that guy's a quack, you have osteoarthritis of the knee", looking at the same imaging - x-ray and MRI - that the first guy had. That made me really mad.)
posted by mephron at 9:34 AM on March 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
I had people actually kick my leg in the immobilizer and say "Get your fuckin' leg outta my way". I had people refuse to get out of a seat when I actually said to them, "Excuse me, I would like to sit down." I had someone complain about me at work, because they said I shouldn't need the cane to get to my desk and I should leave it in the coat closet. I've had people shove past me trying to get on the bus when I had the cane. I had a shithead on a bicycle, riding on the sidewalk here in Seattle, kick me in the goddamn messed-up knee because I wasn't moving out of his way fast enough. (He was not happy about what a cane can do to an expensive bike's wheel spokes, but I told him that I wasn't going to call the cops about his goddamn fucking assault and battery on me so he could deal with it.)
It's insane.
(Oh, and two middle fingers to the doctor who told me it was a torn meniscus, then pulled me along for six months before telling me that he wouldn't do the surgery until I got my weight down to 250. A second and third opinion came up with "that guy's a quack, you have osteoarthritis of the knee", looking at the same imaging - x-ray and MRI - that the first guy had. That made me really mad.)
posted by mephron at 9:34 AM on March 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
Doug sounds awesome.
Someone uptopic said "Cane use ain't just for the disabled - I had to use one for a few months after breaking a foot," but I think that misses the point a little: if you need the cane, you ARE disabled, even if it's only temporary. I'm in that club right now, as a result of a pretty high speed biking accident in November wherein I acquired a "high energy femoral neck fracture." If you're older than I am -- 45 in 8 days -- they just say "broken hip," but if you get it as a younger person being athletic, they dress it up a little.
I'm too young for a replacement, so they fixed it with pins and a plate -- but the downside to that is a much, much longer recovery period. I couldn't put ANY weight on the leg for three months, which is really, really tiresome. A couple weeks ago I got cleared to start weight bearing again, and a week ago I transitioned to a cane, all of which has been AWESOME. Getting to stand up in the shower is something I've really missed, let me tell you. Also, I have a cane and a white beard, so I can more easily yell at Those Damn Kids now.
But you can't go through this process without becoming significantly more aware of what having a physical disability is like, precisely because you ARE disabled. The difference is that my disability has an expiration date (almost certainly, anyway), while lots of others don't. I count myself as a pretty aware guy, but the whole thing has been amazingly eye opening. People just don't think about the disabled or accessibility at ALL until it happens to someone in their life, and this is especially true of buildings, restaurants, bars, sidewalks, etc.
Finally, I'll share this: we had a cruise booked in early February (the JoCo cruise, mentioned here several other times), and seriously considered canceling given my "can't walk" state and the logistics of travel. Plus, cruise ships involve lots of walking -- how would I manage?
I'm glad we didn't, though, because as it turns out:
posted by uberchet at 9:38 AM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Someone uptopic said "Cane use ain't just for the disabled - I had to use one for a few months after breaking a foot," but I think that misses the point a little: if you need the cane, you ARE disabled, even if it's only temporary. I'm in that club right now, as a result of a pretty high speed biking accident in November wherein I acquired a "high energy femoral neck fracture." If you're older than I am -- 45 in 8 days -- they just say "broken hip," but if you get it as a younger person being athletic, they dress it up a little.
I'm too young for a replacement, so they fixed it with pins and a plate -- but the downside to that is a much, much longer recovery period. I couldn't put ANY weight on the leg for three months, which is really, really tiresome. A couple weeks ago I got cleared to start weight bearing again, and a week ago I transitioned to a cane, all of which has been AWESOME. Getting to stand up in the shower is something I've really missed, let me tell you. Also, I have a cane and a white beard, so I can more easily yell at Those Damn Kids now.
But you can't go through this process without becoming significantly more aware of what having a physical disability is like, precisely because you ARE disabled. The difference is that my disability has an expiration date (almost certainly, anyway), while lots of others don't. I count myself as a pretty aware guy, but the whole thing has been amazingly eye opening. People just don't think about the disabled or accessibility at ALL until it happens to someone in their life, and this is especially true of buildings, restaurants, bars, sidewalks, etc.
Finally, I'll share this: we had a cruise booked in early February (the JoCo cruise, mentioned here several other times), and seriously considered canceling given my "can't walk" state and the logistics of travel. Plus, cruise ships involve lots of walking -- how would I manage?
I'm glad we didn't, though, because as it turns out:
- Airport wheelchair service is AWESOME, and gets you better and faster access to everything than even my old high-level frequent flier status did (as Doug apparently knew!);
- Turns out, you can rent a wheelchair for cruise use, and it's not at all expensive; and
- I'm not sure there's a more generally accessible vacation spot anywhere than a cruise ship, which makes total sense if you think about it. I could get nearly ANYWHERE without help. It was awesome, especially after 2 months of walker-only shitty mobility.
posted by uberchet at 9:38 AM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I stood by Doug as he did his check in and the clerk upgraded him to first class and then upgraded his aide too (me). We boarded and ordered a couple glasses of white wine and I thanked Doug and with a smile, he said, "membership has its privileges."
Yeah, we always get to jump the queue at the gate and preboard, whether we're taking the train or a plane, which, if you've ever tried to guide a beefy blind guy up airplane steps, is totally justified.
The cabin crew introduce themselves, and give us our own private little safety demo before they unleash the heaving masses through the gate and into the cabin. Sitting back already buckled in and stowed away while watching everyone crawl over each other for overhead space is a thing of beauty, man. *wipes tear*
Consequently, when I have to travel alone for business or whatever, it seems total bullshit because I am the heaving masses again.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:48 AM on March 5, 2015
Yeah, we always get to jump the queue at the gate and preboard, whether we're taking the train or a plane, which, if you've ever tried to guide a beefy blind guy up airplane steps, is totally justified.
The cabin crew introduce themselves, and give us our own private little safety demo before they unleash the heaving masses through the gate and into the cabin. Sitting back already buckled in and stowed away while watching everyone crawl over each other for overhead space is a thing of beauty, man. *wipes tear*
Consequently, when I have to travel alone for business or whatever, it seems total bullshit because I am the heaving masses again.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:48 AM on March 5, 2015
I think there's a disconnect in people's minds that just can't equate seeing a young person with a cane or other assistive device. I also think it's an even bigger disconnect when that person is good-looking
This. My SIL is pretty badly disabled and has severe pain issues and difficulty walking sometimes. She's also very young - mid twenties - and generally considered quite pretty. Almost everyone she encounters assumes she is bullshitting them, as though debilitating pain were just a great thing for pretendy fun times!
posted by corb at 9:52 AM on March 5, 2015
This. My SIL is pretty badly disabled and has severe pain issues and difficulty walking sometimes. She's also very young - mid twenties - and generally considered quite pretty. Almost everyone she encounters assumes she is bullshitting them, as though debilitating pain were just a great thing for pretendy fun times!
posted by corb at 9:52 AM on March 5, 2015
Another actor/producer/theater guy I once knew has spina bifida, and every summer he would jokingly "rent himself out" to people who wanted to see a free Shakespeare In The Park show so he could help them skip to the head of the huge line for tickets.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:57 AM on March 5, 2015
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:57 AM on March 5, 2015
I don't think the intention is to Other the permanently disabled, but the result is clearly the same.
What are you if you aren't disabled, but still need a cane/walker/wheelchair/whatever?
posted by uberchet at 10:05 AM on March 5, 2015
What are you if you aren't disabled, but still need a cane/walker/wheelchair/whatever?
posted by uberchet at 10:05 AM on March 5, 2015
I had major surgery during my high school years. Major, life-saving surgery, and coupled with my illness I had a lot of mobility issues while I recovered. I was not provided an elevator key to use afterwards because I "looked fine" and "it wouldn't be fair" to the other students.
I'm sure it was more unfair to make me take the stairs. I was late for every class and got a lot of detention because of it. What? I looked fine. I actually don't think I looked fine: I was pretty rough around the edges from all of that stair-climbing and all the stress and OH ALMOST DYING but lets be honest I was probably just milking my situation so that I could be lazy and not deal with stairs. Seriously, what the hell? I'm still mad about this 20 years later.
posted by sockermom at 10:09 AM on March 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
I'm sure it was more unfair to make me take the stairs. I was late for every class and got a lot of detention because of it. What? I looked fine. I actually don't think I looked fine: I was pretty rough around the edges from all of that stair-climbing and all the stress and OH ALMOST DYING but lets be honest I was probably just milking my situation so that I could be lazy and not deal with stairs. Seriously, what the hell? I'm still mad about this 20 years later.
posted by sockermom at 10:09 AM on March 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
What are you if you aren't disabled, but still need a...
Well, you are now!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:13 AM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Well, you are now!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:13 AM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
A fair point on the "but you were disabled, even if only temporarily" angle. I stand/sit/lean/etc. corrected.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:15 AM on March 5, 2015
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:15 AM on March 5, 2015
Another actor/producer/theater guy I once knew has spina bifida, and every summer he would jokingly "rent himself out" to people who wanted to see a free Shakespeare In The Park show so he could help them skip to the head of the huge line for tickets.
At the Empire State building on a visit to NYC:
Note: all voices, except ours, should be read in a New Yawk accent.
We get into the security lineup, which is pretty long. Looks like a good twenty minutes to half-hour.
Empire building staff dude comes up to us.
Staff guy, noting that my husband's using a white cane, which you can't miss because he taps it really hard on the floor: Sirs, are the two of you togethah?
Us: Yup!
Staff guy: Sirs, you two don't have to wait in line. Come with me.
He unhooks a velvet rope, lets us in, and leads us all the way past the lineup to the airport-style security gate.
Staff guy [to a a woman and her family who are about to go through the metal detector, and had already gone through the rigmarole of taking off belts and shit and putting their stuff in bins for the Xray]: Excuse me. Ma'am. You'll have to wait. We have to let these gentlemen though.
They looked pissed.
We go through the metal detector. On the other side, another staff guy comes up to us.
New staff guy: Sir, see that lineup ovah there? Okay, that's for tickets. You don't have to wait in that line. Go right up to the countah. They'll help you out.
Long story short, the same routine repeated in the lineup for the elevator. We were in and out of the Empire State Building in around a half hour, if you include the twenty minutes I spent taking pictures from the observation deck.
In our house, we call such phenomena the Power of the CaneTM.
Now, this was an accommodation for my husband that was not really necessary. But let's face it: if you were offered the VIP treatment to avoid a lineup like that, you'd totally take it.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:29 AM on March 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
At the Empire State building on a visit to NYC:
Note: all voices, except ours, should be read in a New Yawk accent.
We get into the security lineup, which is pretty long. Looks like a good twenty minutes to half-hour.
Empire building staff dude comes up to us.
Staff guy, noting that my husband's using a white cane, which you can't miss because he taps it really hard on the floor: Sirs, are the two of you togethah?
Us: Yup!
Staff guy: Sirs, you two don't have to wait in line. Come with me.
He unhooks a velvet rope, lets us in, and leads us all the way past the lineup to the airport-style security gate.
Staff guy [to a a woman and her family who are about to go through the metal detector, and had already gone through the rigmarole of taking off belts and shit and putting their stuff in bins for the Xray]: Excuse me. Ma'am. You'll have to wait. We have to let these gentlemen though.
They looked pissed.
We go through the metal detector. On the other side, another staff guy comes up to us.
New staff guy: Sir, see that lineup ovah there? Okay, that's for tickets. You don't have to wait in that line. Go right up to the countah. They'll help you out.
Long story short, the same routine repeated in the lineup for the elevator. We were in and out of the Empire State Building in around a half hour, if you include the twenty minutes I spent taking pictures from the observation deck.
In our house, we call such phenomena the Power of the CaneTM.
Now, this was an accommodation for my husband that was not really necessary. But let's face it: if you were offered the VIP treatment to avoid a lineup like that, you'd totally take it.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:29 AM on March 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
Is this where I reveal the main justification for my forearm crutches? Because they don't damage my sweaters and suit jackets. I shredded the fabric and tore seams on several before realizing there was a solution that didn't include ugly disposable clothes.
posted by Dreidl at 10:59 AM on March 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Dreidl at 10:59 AM on March 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
once i was like doing major speed down a hill, passed a girl, and she said: "I wish I had a wheelchair. I hate walking. No offense!"
I mean, what is the proper come back for that. I was parsing it like forty minutes later, still utterly puzzled as to why those words would come out of the mouth of a human from the planet earth
posted by angrycat at 11:06 AM on March 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
I mean, what is the proper come back for that. I was parsing it like forty minutes later, still utterly puzzled as to why those words would come out of the mouth of a human from the planet earth
posted by angrycat at 11:06 AM on March 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
I mean, what is the proper come back for that. I was parsing it like forty minutes later, still utterly puzzled as to why those words would come out of the mouth of a human from the planet earth
When I was a kid I thought wheelchairs looked fun and cool, especially the powered ones. They looked like a ride, like a bike. I was not capable of enough empathy at the time to consider what it would be like if you had to use one instead of walking, all the time. But enough people talked to me about dumb things I said, or explained it to me, that I grasped it eventually as I grew up. Also: movies/books/TV shows with people in wheelchairs who didn't see it that way clued me in.
Don't know what happened with this chick. The best we can hope is that the memory of saying this makes her cringe someday.
posted by emjaybee at 11:39 AM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
When I was a kid I thought wheelchairs looked fun and cool, especially the powered ones. They looked like a ride, like a bike. I was not capable of enough empathy at the time to consider what it would be like if you had to use one instead of walking, all the time. But enough people talked to me about dumb things I said, or explained it to me, that I grasped it eventually as I grew up. Also: movies/books/TV shows with people in wheelchairs who didn't see it that way clued me in.
Don't know what happened with this chick. The best we can hope is that the memory of saying this makes her cringe someday.
posted by emjaybee at 11:39 AM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
angrycat, your "cattle guard" comment reminded me of this wheelchair rugby highlight.
For anyone who hasn't seen the sport played live, I highly recommend it.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:59 AM on March 5, 2015
For anyone who hasn't seen the sport played live, I highly recommend it.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:59 AM on March 5, 2015
I don't even want to think about some of the stories I can tell about invisible disability. My ex-husband and my mother both treated me like a slacker for years because of my fatigue. I fought for years not to show anything and now I'm middle-aged and DNGAF and life is so much easier.
posted by immlass at 12:00 PM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by immlass at 12:00 PM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh yeah, to add onto my tale of woe, my wife has sciatica and fibromyalgia, both 'invisible' illnesses, and both making life difficult for her. She's come home from work crying due to no one on two different buses letting her sit down.
We still have the cane. I've offered it to her to use to go to work, so she can whack these people in the gihoolies.
posted by mephron at 12:09 PM on March 5, 2015
We still have the cane. I've offered it to her to use to go to work, so she can whack these people in the gihoolies.
posted by mephron at 12:09 PM on March 5, 2015
My best friend has a fancy sword cane. We bought it for her jointly after she lost part of her leg to cancer. She is also crazy beautiful and now has a wide range of pervy dudes hitting on her in the Target parking lot stories because of the leg. It is only a testament to her good sense that no one has gotten stabbed in the face yet.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 12:22 PM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by bitter-girl.com at 12:22 PM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Another actor/producer/theater guy I once knew has spina bifida, and every summer he would jokingly "rent himself out" to people who wanted to see a free Shakespeare In The Park show so he could help them skip to the head of the huge line for tickets.
And for an event that is free to attend? I may have finally run out of contempt for people.
At Disneyland, scam artists killed special kindness for disabled kids
And for an event that is free to attend? I may have finally run out of contempt for people.
At Disneyland, scam artists killed special kindness for disabled kids
The sister theme parks Disneyland and Walt Disney World will soon curtail their longstanding practice of allowing disabled guests and their families to bypass lines and immediately board rides.posted by Room 641-A at 12:42 PM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
According to multiple published reports, Disney’s policy change is an outgrowth of the New York Post article earlier this year that revealed rich tourists were scheming to avoid long lines by hiring disabled “guides” to pose as their family members.
Allow me to direct you to the bolded word in my sentence:
"every summer he would jokingly "rent himself out" "
As in, people were joining him for the show anyway because they were his friends, but he joked that he was "renting himself to them" for the purpose of skipping the line.
To be clear, he was kidding.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:52 PM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
"every summer he would jokingly "rent himself out" "
As in, people were joining him for the show anyway because they were his friends, but he joked that he was "renting himself to them" for the purpose of skipping the line.
To be clear, he was kidding.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:52 PM on March 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Disability bullying example:
My housemate's partner recently stole my crutches while I was in the bath. Not "Ha ha JK"'stole; they put them in their car and drove off with them. I had to make a police theft report to get them back. It took 24 hours for the return. Fortunately I had a spare set, but someone had to get them for me; I couldn't get to them without using crutches!
The thief is queer, college-educated, white, employed, and we all live in a famously liberal city.
This is the same person who snarked that I was lazy for spending so much time sleeping or on the couch while I still had both legs in casts and bruises/scabs from my face to my calves. And then later berated me for using pain meds. Excuse me, I was RUN OVER - even if using pain relief is questionable (why?), I'd think this would be the situation they're for.
Turned out there is nothing I can do legally to stop them - DV law doesn't cover it because they're not my partner or relative. Disability civil rights doesn't apply since they're not a caregiver or business. They haven't threatened me with (more) bodily harm or destroying property. So I let them I know I have their retired cop father's contact info, and the local police incident report. And an uploaded video of their most recent verbal abuse. I haven't been quiet about it in our mutual social circles, which is infuriating them. Don't want to be shamed? Don't do shameful things that one feels ashamed of.
This is what bullying a disabled person looks like. There is an obvious escalation against a less capable target until there are negative consequences for the bully. I hope the video and theft report keep them in check, but I'm ready to videorecord and press charges any way I can if this continues. And yeah, my housemate continues to date them.
posted by Dreidl at 12:56 PM on March 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
My housemate's partner recently stole my crutches while I was in the bath. Not "Ha ha JK"'stole; they put them in their car and drove off with them. I had to make a police theft report to get them back. It took 24 hours for the return. Fortunately I had a spare set, but someone had to get them for me; I couldn't get to them without using crutches!
The thief is queer, college-educated, white, employed, and we all live in a famously liberal city.
This is the same person who snarked that I was lazy for spending so much time sleeping or on the couch while I still had both legs in casts and bruises/scabs from my face to my calves. And then later berated me for using pain meds. Excuse me, I was RUN OVER - even if using pain relief is questionable (why?), I'd think this would be the situation they're for.
Turned out there is nothing I can do legally to stop them - DV law doesn't cover it because they're not my partner or relative. Disability civil rights doesn't apply since they're not a caregiver or business. They haven't threatened me with (more) bodily harm or destroying property. So I let them I know I have their retired cop father's contact info, and the local police incident report. And an uploaded video of their most recent verbal abuse. I haven't been quiet about it in our mutual social circles, which is infuriating them. Don't want to be shamed? Don't do shameful things that one feels ashamed of.
This is what bullying a disabled person looks like. There is an obvious escalation against a less capable target until there are negative consequences for the bully. I hope the video and theft report keep them in check, but I'm ready to videorecord and press charges any way I can if this continues. And yeah, my housemate continues to date them.
posted by Dreidl at 12:56 PM on March 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
EC: you said he was renting himself out to "people," not friends. How else did you expect that to be interpreted?
"Jokingly" does not imply that long thing you seem to think it does.
posted by jayder at 1:04 PM on March 5, 2015
"Jokingly" does not imply that long thing you seem to think it does.
posted by jayder at 1:04 PM on March 5, 2015
Thanks for clearing that up. As you can see, it's not unheard of, and to me it honestly didn't sound like you meant he was joking about actually doing it. (And if I wasn't clear, my contempt was not directed to you.)
posted by Room 641-A at 1:09 PM on March 5, 2015
posted by Room 641-A at 1:09 PM on March 5, 2015
Jayder: I apologize for not specifying "people he knew," although perhaps the general good will of the room lead me to assume that most people (people in here) would take that as read.
641-A: sorry, and it's all good.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:11 PM on March 5, 2015
641-A: sorry, and it's all good.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:11 PM on March 5, 2015
Jesus Christ, Dreidl, why hasn't someone beaten this jackass senseless yet? I mean, violence isn't usually the answer, but sometimes we can make exceptions.
posted by uberchet at 1:20 PM on March 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by uberchet at 1:20 PM on March 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Several years later, we still wonder aloud about what would lead someone to the notion that it vibrates.
The fact that some do, perhaps? E. g. this one or this one.
posted by effbot at 2:01 PM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
The fact that some do, perhaps? E. g. this one or this one.
posted by effbot at 2:01 PM on March 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
This dude definitely meant vibration.
The fact that some do, perhaps?
Those ones use echolocation devices. Yeah, yeah sound waves are a technically a type of vibration...
But sorry, more context: the way the conversation unfolded was that the guy thought the cane actually did something on its own, rather than being a tool in the hands of a user who was extensively trained in its use to navigate his environment.
The vibration question was merely his opening line. Or some bizarro pickup attempt. Jury's still out.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:28 PM on March 5, 2015
The fact that some do, perhaps?
Those ones use echolocation devices. Yeah, yeah sound waves are a technically a type of vibration...
But sorry, more context: the way the conversation unfolded was that the guy thought the cane actually did something on its own, rather than being a tool in the hands of a user who was extensively trained in its use to navigate his environment.
The vibration question was merely his opening line. Or some bizarro pickup attempt. Jury's still out.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:28 PM on March 5, 2015
They use sonar to model the environment, and vibrations to provide tactile feedback; from the links: "Feedback on obstacles is provided through two vibrating buttons located on the handle." "...generates tactile output in the form of different vibratory patterns."
posted by effbot at 3:01 PM on March 5, 2015
posted by effbot at 3:01 PM on March 5, 2015
Yeah, I know.
Just raised the issue over dinner to make sure I wasn't misremembering.
This guy definitely meant the cane itself vibrating. Dude was a freak.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:37 PM on March 5, 2015
Just raised the issue over dinner to make sure I wasn't misremembering.
This guy definitely meant the cane itself vibrating. Dude was a freak.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:37 PM on March 5, 2015
Jesus Christ, Dreidl, why hasn't someone beaten this jackass senseless yet? I mean, violence isn't usually the answer, but sometimes we can make exceptions.
posted by uberchet at 1:20 PM on March 5
Because we're all in the same social circle that ignores or enables all sorts of behaviors, as long they don't harm the group as a whole?
posted by Dreidl at 5:09 PM on March 5, 2015
posted by uberchet at 1:20 PM on March 5
Because we're all in the same social circle that ignores or enables all sorts of behaviors, as long they don't harm the group as a whole?
posted by Dreidl at 5:09 PM on March 5, 2015
I spent a few months on crutches and then using a cane after a foot injury and found, in general, teenagers to be the most considerate and adults to be the least. Every single person who looked at me and then resolutely looked down at their crossword puzzle and sat there Not Seeing Me as my cane and I wobbled in the aisle in front of them was a grown adult. The people who would pop to their feet and say "would you like to sit down, ma'am?" were the teens. I came away from it feeling much more optimistic about the youth of tomorrow and much more cynical about my peers.
Although there was one time I got on the bus to find all the seats taken. Among the people sitting in the priority seating up front were a kid who looked to be in his mid teens and a guy who looked to be early twenties. The older guy stood up and offered his seat to me, and he and I wound up chatting as the bus rolled along. A few stops later, an elderly woman with a walker got on. Nobody moved. The guy I was talking with looked meaningfully at the kid next to me and said "What, you not going to get up and give your seat to the lady?" The briefest look of chagrin flashed across the kid's face at getting chastised before he got up and moved farther back to make room.
posted by Lexica at 7:05 PM on March 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Although there was one time I got on the bus to find all the seats taken. Among the people sitting in the priority seating up front were a kid who looked to be in his mid teens and a guy who looked to be early twenties. The older guy stood up and offered his seat to me, and he and I wound up chatting as the bus rolled along. A few stops later, an elderly woman with a walker got on. Nobody moved. The guy I was talking with looked meaningfully at the kid next to me and said "What, you not going to get up and give your seat to the lady?" The briefest look of chagrin flashed across the kid's face at getting chastised before he got up and moved farther back to make room.
posted by Lexica at 7:05 PM on March 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Dreidl: I guess I'd argue that the behavior you describe is absolutely damaging to the group. But I get your meaning.
Lexica: public shaming is useful, turns out.
posted by uberchet at 6:09 AM on March 6, 2015
Lexica: public shaming is useful, turns out.
posted by uberchet at 6:09 AM on March 6, 2015
dreidl, I'm so sorry. I would be horrified if someone I dated treated a friend that way (and then I would stop dating them). You deserve better friends, or at least a smarter housemate.
posted by emjaybee at 12:18 PM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by emjaybee at 12:18 PM on March 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Every single person who looked at me and then resolutely looked down at their crossword puzzle and sat there Not Seeing Me as my cane and I wobbled in the aisle in front of them was a grown adult.
As a gentle reminder - some of us have invisible disabilities. Some of those adults may have actually needed the seats as well, even though they didn't have visible reminders of it. It is important to model good behavior and I'm glad it got done, but you are not necessarily aware of all of their personal circumstances. There may not be any reason to despair for your peers. We may just be a little bit broken ourselves.
posted by corb at 9:23 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
As a gentle reminder - some of us have invisible disabilities. Some of those adults may have actually needed the seats as well, even though they didn't have visible reminders of it. It is important to model good behavior and I'm glad it got done, but you are not necessarily aware of all of their personal circumstances. There may not be any reason to despair for your peers. We may just be a little bit broken ourselves.
posted by corb at 9:23 AM on March 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Corb, speaking as someone who also had people regularly ignore me when I was on a cane and a moon boot, the odds of the 30+ people who all regularly ignored me in each subway car when this happened ALL be suffering from some "invisible disability" are so fucking high as to be nonexistent. One or two, maybe, but an entire subway car?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:46 PM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:46 PM on March 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yeah, I'm not saying that it's probable everyone is - but I'm just saying I have been that woman sitting down and thinking "please don't look at me, I am embarrassed enough about needing the seat, please don't look at me and judge me for sitting down when literally it is the only thing keeping me from screaming at the top of my lungs" and the accusing stares kind of suck. (I was also once confronted by someone and it was awful.)
posted by corb at 4:53 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by corb at 4:53 PM on March 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Then please feel free in joining the rest of us in hating on the other lazy schmucks.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:23 AM on March 8, 2015
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:23 AM on March 8, 2015
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This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
The most eye-opening thing someone told me once is that if you're young and healthy, you're really only "temporarily abled." Unless you die young, disability will likely be a part of your life at some point.
Not that I've never been insensitive or awkward around disabled folks. I'm still not always sure how to act in the most polite way (offer to help? don't offer?) in given situations. But that's on me, not them.
posted by emjaybee at 5:22 AM on March 5, 2015 [8 favorites]