Sherlock Holmes and the Secret Weapon
March 8, 2015 8:38 AM   Subscribe

Have you ever wondered just how Sherlock Holmes got information out of the people he spoke with? Well, wonder no more!
posted by Lemurrhea (46 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite


 
Read it to scoff, came away very impressed with the comedic writing in the piece. (THE PIECE.) It wasn't a long piece but it had it where it counts...

This seems a bit Whelkian so I expect him to turn up in 3, 2, 1...
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 9:01 AM on March 8, 2015


It wasn't a long piece

You must admit that it was well endowed with illustrations. Perhaps illustrations, even.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:06 AM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Sounds like they should have renamed the series Doctor Watson the Surecock Home, amirite?

(I suck at this.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:11 AM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


I thought, initially, that it was a dumb idea, but the piece was elevated by the excellent writing. (((ELEVATED.)))
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 9:13 AM on March 8, 2015


I mean the jokes give rise to some laughs, (((give rise)))... and I'm done here..
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 9:14 AM on March 8, 2015


whistle-activated snakes
posted by howfar at 9:19 AM on March 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


The article claims Watson was a love doctor, but I haven't seen a degree on his wall.
posted by maxsparber at 9:32 AM on March 8, 2015


I can only picture the very proper, stuffy illustrator being completely flabbergasted and appalled at this write-up. "They...what? I.. what??"
posted by bleep at 9:36 AM on March 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


Too long, didn't read. Just intimidated by the length of the thing.
posted by maryr at 9:44 AM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]


This piece really stands out - I mean, there's a lot of stiff competition out there for Sherlock/Watson humor pieces...
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 9:51 AM on March 8, 2015


penis
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:51 AM on March 8, 2015 [14 favorites]


Fun fact: when attempting to ... flesh out the post, I naively searched google for "watson crotch." Definitely a mistake.
posted by Lemurrhea at 10:10 AM on March 8, 2015 [7 favorites]


It's nice seeing Watson getting his due credit. It always seemed to me that he often got the shaft.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 10:33 AM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


I mean, Doyle sometimes portrayed him as merely some dude just hanging around
posted by armoir from antproof case at 10:34 AM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Dr. Watson and the case of lavaballs
posted by The Whelk at 10:36 AM on March 8, 2015 [4 favorites]


The article claims Watson was a love doctor, but I haven't seen a degree on his wall.

Watson is so hot that it can't be measured in degrees.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:39 AM on March 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


penis

Or... do you mean... 'appiness?
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:40 AM on March 8, 2015


no.... no, I mean penis.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:51 AM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]




"Watson have you seen, Watson?"
posted by clavdivs at 11:10 AM on March 8, 2015


Or, Jezail balls stiff portraiture.
posted by clavdivs at 11:13 AM on March 8, 2015


Well, this is not exactly what I was expecting, but it was pretty amusing nonetheless.

Although I have to say, I'm a little disappointed that they missed the opportunity to include some of the many lines from the original stories where Watson is "ejaculating" all over the place:

“What on earth has that to do with it?” I ejaculated.

And sometimes Holmes does his own ejaculating:

The ejaculation had been drawn from my companion by the fact that our door had been suddenly dashed open, and that a huge man had framed himself in the aperture.

And sometimes there were even witnesses:

While she was walking in this way down Swandam Lane, she suddenly heard an ejaculation

You get the picture.
posted by litera scripta manet at 11:42 AM on March 8, 2015 [14 favorites]


^ too fucking sweet that
posted by clavdivs at 11:49 AM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]




It's amazing no one ever slipped on all that ejaculate. And the dry cleaning bills Watson must have been liable for...
posted by Mr. Yuck at 11:57 AM on March 8, 2015


And the dry cleaning bills Watson must have been liable for...

And let's not forget that Watson got hitched to Mary Morstan by the second novel. I can only imagine what she must have thought about all the ejaculating the men were doing together.
posted by litera scripta manet at 12:01 PM on March 8, 2015


You get the picture.

Given the large number of illustrations already perused, I have to say that we have not gotten this particular picture, actually.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:03 PM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


This post is timed very well as I am currently reading Laurie R. King's The Beekeeper's Apprentice and the main character, Mary Russell, has a very tongue-in-cheek perspective on all things Sherlock.

Thanks for sharing. Also, for anyone who is wondering, the book is a delight and well worth picking up.
posted by Fizz at 12:44 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Then again is all this ejaculation a surprise when things like this were commonplace occurrences in Holmesian London.
posted by dng at 1:14 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


The best thing about all these ejaculations is how noisy they seem to be. Like tiny forces of nature.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:44 PM on March 8, 2015


The best thing about all these ejaculations is how noisy they seem to be. Like tiny forces of nature.

In the 17th C. an orgasm was often referred to as a "little death". So yes, tiny forces of nature indeed!
posted by Fizz at 1:52 PM on March 8, 2015


Now we know what the screaming was about.
posted by arcticseal at 2:20 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


"Crotch" is one of those words that gets progressively funnier each time you repeat it in your head. Until you're so overcome with paroxysms of laughter that you're asked: "What's so funny?" and all you can offer is a squeal of "Crotch!"

Then you get a heavy sigh and a head shake in return.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:28 PM on March 8, 2015 [1 favorite]




This wouldn't have been news to anyone who has read my House fanfic.

...which currently only exists in my head.
posted by Rhomboid at 4:33 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Come on in, the gutter's just fine.

DICKLEMENTARY, MY DEAR CROTCHSON he Freudishly ejaculated
posted by ostranenie at 4:35 PM on March 8, 2015 [4 favorites]


Needs more Abercrombie and Fitch rhinoceros.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:57 PM on March 8, 2015




"Come here, Watson. I need you."
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:34 PM on March 8, 2015


This explains the aluminum crutch.
posted by clavdivs at 7:30 PM on March 8, 2015


Watson is ever at his best as someone who is intelligent, oblivious, and tougher than motherfucking nails.

In the original stories? Sherlock was the master of some kind of stick-fighting nonsense. Watson had a godsdamn Webley .476 WG Model 1892 Army revolver in his jacket pocket and could hit what he shot at. In the movies, the virile and masculine RDjr could predict his opponent's next blow while fighting them, where the effete and winsome Jude Law blew shit up with a naval canon in a land-locked country. In the TV series, Watson puts up with incredible amounts of interpersonal bullshit from a no-kidding sociopath while trying to cope with PTSD, and comes through like a champ each and every time.

So, yeah. There are some balls down there to look at.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:18 PM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


Apparently, Holmes and Watson both enjoyed going to the Turkish Bath together, as well. Pretty sure that involves not a lot of clothing:
Both Holmes and I had a weakness for the Turkish bath. It was over a smoke in the pleasant lassitude of the drying-room that I have found him less reticent and more human than anywhere else. On the upper floor of the Northumberland Avenue establishment there is an isolated corner where two couches lie side by side, and it was on these that we lay upon September 3, 1902, the day when my narrative begins. I had asked him whether anything was stirring, and for answer he had shot his long, thin, nervous arm out of the sheets which enveloped him...
I mean, doesn't that sound like the start of a really porn-y fanfiction?

Oh, and then there was the time that Holmes decided Watson just had too many layers on:

He had ripped up my trousers with his pocket-knife.

Okay, I feel kind of bad about using that last one, because it's actually one of the most touching moments in the ACD canon, but what can I say... Watson's Secret Weapon made me do it.
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:51 PM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]


Oh my, Holmes.
posted by clavdivs at 9:00 PM on March 8, 2015


I found one of the "ejaculation" episodes mentioned in the video that none of these will bring disaster links to above.

This starts off promisingly:

A large and comfortable double-bedded room had been placed at our disposal, and I was quickly between the sheets, for I was weary after my night of adventure.

By night of adventure, I can only assume Watson means all the sex they were having. But wait, there's more to come (if you know what I mean):

He sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up, and I found the summer sun shining into the apartment.

Hey look, they even hint at the cause of the ejaculation:

The pipe was still between his lips

I think we all know what he means by "pipe."

Oh, and I found another one that the video mentioned. Interestingly, it's one of the only (maybe the only? I need to brush up on my ACD canon knowledge) stories narrated by Holmes instead of Watson.

And here it is that I miss my Watson. By cunning questions and ejaculations of wonder he could elevate my simple art

Of course, this begs the question, what kind of cunning questions lead to these ejaculations of wonder? I could hazard some guesses, but I think I've probably done enough damage for now.
posted by litera scripta manet at 9:10 PM on March 8, 2015 [5 favorites]


Oh my.

"Some of the blows of my cane came home, and roused its snakish temper, so that it flew upon the first person it saw."
posted by clavdivs at 9:53 PM on March 8, 2015


Ceci n'est pas une pipe.
posted by howfar at 5:24 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


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