Shitphone: a Love Story
March 10, 2015 9:48 AM   Subscribe

I was an iPhone man once, like you. Then Shitphone changed everything.

I came to believe that shitphone had helped me reconnect with my immediate surroundings, but quickly realize it had not. My idle moments were filled with idle thoughts and actions of similar or lesser value to another glimpse at the internet. I looked at the sky more, which was nice, and I stopped looking at my phone when I walked, which was a terrible habit anyway. Sometimes I looked at other people buried deeply in their nicer phones and felt like I had ascended, somehow, in the slightest way possible. (via Longreads)
posted by chavenet (64 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
 
For a while I carried a child's toy smart phone. It looked kind of like the apps screen on an iphone, and if you pushed anywhere on the screen it would make a random telephone themed sound. When people around me got lost in their smart phones I would pull out my "dumb phone". You probably would not be amazed to know that many people wouldn't even notice.
posted by idiopath at 9:58 AM on March 10, 2015 [19 favorites]


Why have a Shitphone when you can have a Nokia 3310? It's the original multipurpose phone! It's a phone, a doorstop, and a projectile weapon. It will last forever, and can only be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom.
posted by leotrotsky at 10:03 AM on March 10, 2015 [20 favorites]


coprolith phone
posted by idiopath at 10:04 AM on March 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


This was more thoughtful than I expected an article about techno-slumming to be.

Still didn't make me feel great as somebody who spent a large portion of his life in what he calls the Shitworld involuntarily.
posted by edheil at 10:07 AM on March 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


You probably would not be amazed to know that many people wouldn't even notice.

dontmakeeyecontactdontmakeeyecontactdontmakeeyecontactdontmakeeyecontact
posted by robocop is bleeding at 10:08 AM on March 10, 2015 [17 favorites]


so basically brands = cultural capital, consumerism = bad, and the way out of consumerism is buying offbrand instead of, say, repairing an old phone or buying used or rejecting the model altogether

reads kind of like something that was probably written by a future Maine Hermit
posted by runt at 10:09 AM on March 10, 2015 [8 favorites]


Only, the cell phone reception in Maine often stinks.
posted by JanetLand at 10:11 AM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


no worries. much like his spiritual predecessor, the Maine Hermit plays Pokemon when he can't get a good reception at Walden ShitPond
posted by runt at 10:14 AM on March 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


"If shitphones were ready for everyone, they wouldn’t be shitphones."

What I took away from this article is that he resents making a fiscally prudent choice. Instead of ordering a used android phone, he could have bought a used iphone5 for ~200. I don't know why he calls it shitphone. Is it just cachet? Is he so eager to hairshirt himself because he refused another Apple device? Self-scourging for avoiding Applecare?

It doesn't matter. The author meanders through his purchasing decisions, motivated, apparently, by price alone. His only validation comes when some teenagers (the scourge of the old and not-with-its) harrass him. You see? The author is still cool, or at least appears that way to bored teens. Perhaps they mistook the Posh Mobile Titan HD E500a for an iPhone?

Your phone can't validate you, John Herrman. It is not shitphone you fret about, but your own shitmind.
posted by boo_radley at 10:20 AM on March 10, 2015 [3 favorites]




You probably would not be amazed to know that many people wouldn't even notice.

Because the number one rule about dealing with insane people (in order to not get stabbed, groped, shit on, pissed on, etc.) is not to make eye contact. I'm sure absolutely everyone noticed, they just didn't want the guy/girl pretending to talk on a kids phone to potentially rub human feces on them.
posted by sideshow at 10:30 AM on March 10, 2015 [22 favorites]


Does it not come in 18k gold?
posted by T.D. Strange at 10:34 AM on March 10, 2015


You've all drunk the Kool-aid. My next phone will probably be the Peppa Pig phone. (Or possibly I'll wait for the Peppa Pig phone 2.0, which I hear lights up, flashes, and plays a jingly little tune.)
posted by sexyrobot at 10:37 AM on March 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


I liked how self-aware this piece was while still asserting its main point. He anticipated being called out about not just having Applecare, for instance, and makes the case for off-brand tech while acknowledging without acrimony why some people prefer higher-end brands.
posted by Wretch729 at 10:37 AM on March 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


The Peppa Pig Phone has 1 and 3/4-inch screen with a lovely, bright and colourful picture of Peppa on it. She's smiling. Winner: Peppa Pig phone


Note, however, that she's basically a standardized graffiti penis with googly eyes. Winner: absolutely no one anywhere.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:45 AM on March 10, 2015


The most expensive phone becomes ShitPhone approximately 8 months after purchase. Paying a premium just buys you a couple months of bliss before updates, along with the crap we voluntarily install, slows it to a dull parody of what you took out of the box. If you buy an expensive phone, you're buying a couple months where you don't swear at it. That might be worth the premium to some people, but the end result is always ShitPhone.
posted by Mayor Curley at 10:57 AM on March 10, 2015 [8 favorites]


I agree that this is an interesting article that weighs a choice that many people are forced to make, perhaps without really understanding the options available to them.

A smartphone is something that you will probably use very frequently and something that other people will notice or comment on. Buying a new model feels like an extravagance because the prices truly are extravagant and because you know that it will be worn out in a few years. Compromising is certain to add many minor inconveniences to your life though, so many people think it is worth it. Unfortunately, depending on what Apple or software developers support, your perfectly good phone may even degrade in usability simply because the market is moving on without you.

Something I would be interested to know is how a shitphone/premium shitphone compares to a "new" but two years outdated brandphone. This seems like a useful 'frugal reviews' topic.
posted by Winnemac at 10:58 AM on March 10, 2015


sideshow: I should have been clear - this was only done with the company of dear and close friends. I could give a shit if strangers pull out their phones.
posted by idiopath at 10:59 AM on March 10, 2015


I'm slightly interested in how a person goes through so many iPhones and how they come apart like that. What the hell are they doing to them?

I've had 2 Android phones (both Samsungs) but that's only because the first one got stolen. I'm thankful my Galaxy Nexus has a removable battery because replacement batteries are only $6.

The phone he talks about as a replacement has got to be the same phone Jim Lahey has.
posted by juiceCake at 11:00 AM on March 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


Hmmmm. I live in the far suburbs of consumer land, sometimes honestly wishing I could afford a place there. The truth is, I live closer to Shitville, where every knock-off makes the soul die just a little.

When I lived closer to Consumerville, I marked myself apart from the Apple herd by buying (the friendly guy at the Phone Vendor said) the most powerful, most reliable, most Android smartphone on the market, and at many hundreds of dollars, it was still two hundred dollars cheaper than the then current iPhone (4, I think). Of course, if I indentured myself for two years to V-Mark, I wouldn't have to pay anything for either phone. Although I fooled myself into thinking I made the right decision, every day of that two years I resented the slowness, the glitches, the difficulty of placing and receiving calls. This wasn't V's fault, it was my trying to get into Consumerville on the cheap. Among the failings of the anDROID phone was V's hobgoblin homegrown internet interface, which was almost like a browser but clumsier.

When the two years were up, I went with another vendor who's policy is that you don't indenture yourself for the right to make calls or surf the web. But, you can pay for the phone over two years. Thinking I (being of the Older Generation that came after the so-called Greatest Generation) did not need all the spark and wit of either the iPhone or the Big Gun Samsung phone, I opted for a "just as good as the Galaxy S4 for you old folk" Galaxy Light. I wake up or go to bed hearing either my complaints or my wife's about all of the shortcomings of the Galaxy Light. Still got 9 months to go on these POS phones.

This is a long way of saying that I think you really do get what you pay for. I look around at my computers...which ones work best? oh, the Apples. What's your tablet? Well after a failed romance with a Nexus 7, and a long walk with a friends Kindle Fire, I bought an iPad 3-Retina, at a substantial discount as the 4 came out a few weeks prior.

I understand Mr. Shitphone's attempt to avoid the hype and price of Apple. But I think I will instead do what boo_radley said upthread: buy a used 5S.

In most aspects of my life, I can't stand the pace or the shiny false glamor of Consumerville, but having lived closer to Shit Town most of my life, I have to say I notice a pervasive smell wafting from there.
posted by beelzbubba at 11:01 AM on March 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


Oh, and the wife is looking seriously at the Nokia 3310. She has a totally utiltarian expectation of a cellphone.
posted by beelzbubba at 11:04 AM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Republic Wireless will sell you a good no-contract android smartphone (moto e) for $99 and give you unlimited talk/text and unlimited wifi data for $10/month.
posted by straight at 11:17 AM on March 10, 2015 [4 favorites]


Unlimited wifi data, how fast is that data? Can you get in a shower while Facebook comes up?
posted by Oyéah at 11:22 AM on March 10, 2015


Yeah, phones are pretty much done. You can get decent - not just OK - Android phones for <$100, and there's something interesting at virtually every price point.

It's all getting a bit silly. I've got a 27" Samsung monitor which cost me around $300 new - its only sin is only having one HDMI port, which is currently connected to a $300 Proliant Microserver, itself connected to a $2 USB audio dongle, a $20 Lepai Class D amplifier (which sounds superb) and some ancient JVC speakers. The whole shebang is just insanely good at doing... everything.
posted by Devonian at 11:27 AM on March 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


Instead of ordering a used android phone, he could have bought a used iphone5 for ~200.

More people need to think like this, including me. I honestly wish instead of trading up to an iPhone 6 I had just spent $40 on a new battery for my long-lived and faultless iPhone 4. For my usage patterns it was the ideal phone and I loved the ergos of it. The 6 gives me nothing I actually want for too much money.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:28 AM on March 10, 2015


I'm rocking a ShitPhone (Motorola Moto G). The 'slowing down' thing is getting near the point of un-usability. Does this really happen to iPhones too?
posted by colie at 11:33 AM on March 10, 2015


colie:I'm rocking a ShitPhone (Motorola Moto G). The 'slowing down' thing is getting near the point of un-usability. Does this really happen to iPhones too?

Sometimes all you need is to do a full reset of the phone, they get pretty clogged up after a while. Android updates can especially slow things down when installed on top of an existing installation, it's usually best to do a full reset after any big upgrade.
posted by JauntyFedora at 11:37 AM on March 10, 2015


My iPad 2 is officially a ShitPad now. A couple of iOs (IoS?) updates ago, the keyboard basically became too slow to be usable. My Nexus 7, though, is perfectly fine, despite updates.
posted by pipeski at 11:39 AM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


I bought a BlackBerry Q5. My first ever BB device. I am happy with it but don't know who to tell because people look at me like I am insane for having a phone with a keyboard.
posted by 1adam12 at 11:41 AM on March 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


I'm rocking a ShitPhone (Motorola Moto G). The 'slowing down' thing is getting near the point of un-usability. Does this really happen to iPhones too?

In my experience, it starts happening with iPhones if your phone is about two to three models back from the current one and you're running the latest iOS. I imagine you can get a longer life out of your iThing if you forego iOS updates after a certain point. My 5S is still ticking along more or less like new.
posted by yasaman at 11:45 AM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


I've only had the slowing-down on one of my Android devices (Nexus 10) out of the (umm...) ten or so I've owned, and that cleared up after a system update and a reset. That's also been the only Android I've had that's been unstable; it's had some purple patches where it crashed around once a day. Again, seems to have settled down.

(The only Apples I own are an original and an anglepoise iMac, so I have no anecdota on iOS)
posted by Devonian at 11:49 AM on March 10, 2015


My Nexus 7, though, is perfectly fine, despite updates.

My Nexus 7 (2012) turned into a doorstop with Android 5.0, I had to resort to Cyanogenmod to get it to be even slightly useful and it's still pretty slow. My year and half old Moto X is doing fine although battery life isn't what it used to be.
posted by octothorpe at 11:53 AM on March 10, 2015


I imagine you can get a longer life out of your iThing if you forego iOS updates after a certain point.

It depends. Once you fall behind the iOS upgrade cycle by a certain amount, new apps start requiring the new OS / new hardware and you're stuck with what you have. There are a lot of iThings that _can_ run iOS 8 but probably shouldn't.

Me, I'm rummaging through Shitland for what I can only call a DroidPod Touch -- an Android phone that will never see a SIM card and will be used to run Droid apps and games over wifi, but smaller than a tablet so it'll fit in my pocket. If that sounds like the iPod Touch, it should, as I loved my 4th gen but when I went looking for a 6th gen with modern specs, Apple declared that my choice is fish.
posted by delfin at 11:54 AM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why have a Shitphone when you can have a Nokia 3310? It's the original multipurpose phone! It's a phone, a doorstop, and a projectile weapon. It will last forever, and can only be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom.

I brought one to a rubycamp in the UK way back when and people would act like it was unicorn when I texted my wife. It is the closest I've ever been to being cool and it was purely accidental luddism and cheapness.

Then it went through the laundry. It still worked as a phone but the screen was busted.
posted by srboisvert at 11:56 AM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


"Randy, when you keep getting pelted with Shit calls, you gotta get a Shit Phone." said one trailer park supervisor.
posted by Zedcaster at 11:56 AM on March 10, 2015


The best advice I can give: Buy the best of last year's model.

-or-

Buy the best, but sell it after a year and replace. (This works best with non-phone items.)
posted by Wild_Eep at 12:09 PM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm still using a 2003 Nokia 3100b. Every so often I consider updating it, but it lasts a month on a single charge, makes calls and texts, and just works despite having been abused and dropped many times over the years.
posted by fimbulvetr at 12:11 PM on March 10, 2015


i am a shitperson.
posted by ennui.bz at 12:18 PM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Unlimited wifi data, how fast is that data?

Sorry, I didn't know the right term for, "They let you just use wifi for data and don't make you buy a dataplan."
posted by straight at 12:27 PM on March 10, 2015


Yeah I'm surprised he didn't hit up eBay in this situation. My last eBay phone (a Stratosphere II) performed just fine for at least a year and change (would have been longer but it got stolen, grr) and only cost around $50 shipped. (This last cycle I finally sold out and got a Galaxy S5 with my upgrade, though. Oh well. It is already starting to get laggy and to have idiosyncratic battery usage.)
posted by en forme de poire at 12:47 PM on March 10, 2015


I do wonder whether he could have gotten more low-frustration lifetime with Shitphone1 if he had just factory resetted the device and/or installed some kind of Cyanogen whatever.
posted by en forme de poire at 12:48 PM on March 10, 2015


When using my phone in public I frequently forget that it is, by any objective measure, extremely sub-par--and when people comment on my phone, it usually takes me a minute to get their drift. Co-workers, in particular, find this hilarious.
posted by duffell at 1:11 PM on March 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


Duffel, you should've seen the looks I used to get (in 2014) from kids who asked me why my phone was so big when I told them my Sony Clie Palm device wasn't even a phone.
posted by straight at 1:27 PM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


[The Nokia 3310] will last forever, and can only be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom.

I never get rid of phones that still work, so I still have my first phone, a Nokia 3310 I got in 2001 when I moved away to University. Fast forward to the summer of 2005, I am securing the steel frame of a staircase when my phone falls out of my pocket, dropping 15 feet to the slate tile floor below. The case pops apart and the innards tumble down another staircase into the basement. I collected the pieces of the phone, the battery, the case, etc. It all fit together, a few dings and scratches, and not quite as securely as before, but still held togther. The phone started up fine, and the only loss of functionality was a newly scratchy quality from the speaker.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 1:29 PM on March 10, 2015


My friends used to make snide comments about my ancient dumbphone, and would harangue and proselytize to me on the wonders and utility of modern smartphones. They refused to believe me when I said that I neither wanted nor needed one, telling me over and over that I only think that because I don't have one. They have since given up, and only subject my beloved Nokia to the occasional short silent looks of grim disapproval.
posted by fimbulvetr at 1:38 PM on March 10, 2015


The primary use for smartphones is not voice communication. It is visual communication. I remember when I got my first iPhone, I immediately noticed its most compelling feature, I could load something on the screen and hold it up to someone and say "hey look at this." The original networking was so slow, and even the YouTube videos were so crappy, it never occurred to me that this would turn into Tumblr and Instagram and people across the world saying "hey look at this."

I recently watched this very interesting 15 minute presentation on Amazon, Apple, Facebook, and Google. Unfortunately he wastes too much time on Amazon. The presentation is so fast paced, he skips over some slides and it is worth pausing to look at them. In particular, there is one slide at 8:29 listing the most popular apps for different age demographics. The primary apps are all pretty much the same, but one popular app for the 55+ age group stands out: Solitaire.

Anyway, I wish he had cut short the Amazon retail stuff and focused more on Apple. His presentation is kind of eccentric, he compares Apple to Louis Vuitton, and says Apple is now a luxury brand and thus "aspirational." He has a few interesting comments, he says that rich people are boring because they all want the same things. But this allows new luxury products to get immediate worldwide market penetration, and set the standards by which all other products are judged.

Shitphones are aspirational too, but their owners probably aren't aware of it.
posted by charlie don't surf at 1:40 PM on March 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


When using my phone in public I frequently forget that it is, by any objective measure, extremely sub-par--and when people comment on my phone, it usually takes me a minute to get their drift. Co-workers, in particular, find this hilarious.

I have exactly the same phone. Since I'm a computer programmer under 30 people probably think this is weird but it's nice and compact and I'm... just not really that interested in having a smartphone? If I do get one eventually it will mostly be for GPS and having a real camera could be nice too I guess.
posted by atoxyl at 1:56 PM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


My first question buying a smartphone is "can I gain root access and install a decent ROM instead of the bloatware it comes with?"

None of my phones has ever become shitphone.
posted by walrus at 2:18 PM on March 10, 2015


I'm... just not really that interested in having a smartphone?

Conversely, if I could get mine implanted in my skull with an in-eye HUD and a haptic interface, I would do it tomorrow.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:21 PM on March 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


Been using a Motorola Droid since Oct. 2012, the phone slowed down so much in the last year that it was almost unusable. Deleted the Facebook APP off the phone and it is flying, like new! Glad, cause I like the phone.
posted by Hoosier Prospector at 2:40 PM on March 10, 2015


I have exactly the same phone. Since I'm a computer programmer under 30 people probably think this is weird but it's nice and compact and I'm... just not really that interested in having a smartphone?

You guys are actually super on trend!
posted by en forme de poire at 3:09 PM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


atoxyl and duffell and holyrood- phone triplets!
posted by holyrood at 6:37 PM on March 10, 2015


I only got a smartphone upgrade from my flip phone because someone gave me their old 4s. So it's 4-6 years old by now, I guess. It's great for audiobooks and podcasts. Really insanely good for that and consequently, I always have earbuds in but am never actually looking at the damn thing more than once an hour. They've changed the world, no doubt, but most of that is in making you not have to have concrete plans or look at a map before you go somewhere.

I remember the weird feeling in 2010 or 11 when I was watching the Wire for the first time, and I sat bolt upright at one point because I realized all the drug dealers had my phone.

Which was this baby... and it was indestructible: Motorola v262

I had my coworker try to shoehorn his iphone 6+ into his pocket. Looked like a TI-83 jammed in there.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 6:57 PM on March 10, 2015


I have to say, if you never get on the consumer electronics treadmill, it's pretty easy to stay off. I've had a flip phone since, well, since people only had flip phones, and I just have literally no conception of what it means to upgrade from an iPhone 4S to a 5G or whatever. I know this sounds intentionally smug, but it really exists fully in the abstract for me. Like...is the resolution higher? A better phone is...heavier? It holds more...songs? Contacts? Or something?
posted by threeants at 7:17 PM on March 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


Whoa, that makes a lot of sense. I wasn't trying to be smug either, but I have no real frame of reference for if my phone is acting slower now. Just play my podcasts, tiny computer!

Meanwhile, I have endlessly calibrated my TV for various conditions...
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:31 PM on March 10, 2015


I have to say, if you never get on the consumer electronics treadmill, it's pretty easy to stay off. I've had a flip phone since, well, since people only had flip phones, and I just have literally no conception of what it means to upgrade from an iPhone 4S to a 5G or whatever.

A couple of years after I bought the first iPhone (the first month it was available) it died. Apple generously extended my warranty for free and sent me a new iPhone. The tech suggested that I put the iPhone sim card in my old AT&T flip phone, and use that until the replacement arrived. It worked, but it took me some effort to figure out how to use such a dumb phone. My general impression was, how the hell did I ever use such a crappy phone?

I know this sounds intentionally smug, but it really exists fully in the abstract for me. Like...is the resolution higher? A better phone is...heavier? It holds more...songs? Contacts? Or something?

I kept my original iPhone and didn't upgrade until I bought an iPhone 5 (not even the 5s). The increased resolution of the retina display was astonishing. The new iPhone 5 was faster than my 2 year old MacBook. Switching from the first model to the 5 was like switching from this to this. I mean literally, those apps are representative of the peak of those two models.

The differences in a single generation of iPhone is only incremental, you'd only switch from a 5s to a 6 if it had some specific feature you thought was worth paying for, like Apple Pay or something. But if you're more than two generations behind, you kind of need to upgrade if you want to use modern apps that are optimized for faster processors and better GPUs.
posted by charlie don't surf at 8:06 PM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


I had to get a new phone as I broke the old one, against the wall, while speaking with the old T Mobile. My only complaint about my LG S-phone is the damned if you spellcheck, and damned if you don't spellcheck, word processor, and how difficult it is to post. It has some advantages besides cheapness. I can turn it off. The dictionary is pathetic. When I spell checked, then it would turn a common word like Mongolia, to magnolia. Smart, it is not a smart appliance, it is a brilliant thing, really except for the crapshoot that texting is, with auto correct running. It would change things when the send button was pushed. I have made a truce. It keeps me connected, but humbly so.
posted by Oyéah at 10:49 PM on March 10, 2015


Oh yeah and GPS, if I need GPS, there won't be a tower for fifty miles.I have never had the occasion to need GPS and be able to use it.
posted by Oyéah at 10:59 PM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Well, real GPS uses satellites, not towers.
posted by effbot at 3:22 AM on March 11, 2015


I suppose this is the place where I can admit to a tiny bit of nerdy techno-glee every time I use GPS and Google Maps. I mean, I am using a handheld device that LISTENS TO SPACE THINGS to figure out where I am, and then TALKS WIRELESSLY TO COMPUTERS ACROSS THE WORLD to show me my position on a map.

Somewhere, a twelve-year-old me is absolutely beside himself with science fiction-related joy.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:38 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


Well, real GPS uses satellites, not towers.

Every try using google maps on a phone without a data connection?
posted by peeedro at 8:37 AM on March 11, 2015


I don't understand the obsession with the Nokia 3310. I make do with a Nokia 1100 that's coming on nine years old, and I'd scrap it for a pocket watch in an instant if I didn't need to receive SMSes for work.

I'm the Area Man who Avoided Cell Phones So He Wouldn't Be That Guy, who is now That Guy for avoiding cell phones.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 10:30 AM on March 11, 2015


Every try using google maps on a phone without a data connection?

What, you mean the phone has no data ever? I don't think Google Maps would even run on such a phone. Do you mean using Maps in an area that has no data link available? You can download map data in advance and it will still work, if your phone has GPS. Apple iOS Maps.app also caches a lot of map data, but no explicit downloading of maps. Connect before you go into the blackout area and it will cache the map near you.
posted by charlie don't surf at 2:12 PM on March 11, 2015


I am the person who upgrades, then lovingly cleans, charges and replaces the now deserted instrument in its original packaging in a drawer surrounded its peers. They all still function, and they all come back to life at a touch. Sometimes I feel like Catherine Deneuve in The Hunger. There are no Apples, but there are no shitphones, either. I have chosen well. I have always chosen well...
posted by halfbuckaroo at 5:08 PM on March 11, 2015 [3 favorites]


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