"No one has ever given less of a fuck."
March 16, 2015 12:46 AM   Subscribe

 
That Buzzfeed article feel like some sort of uninspired me-tooing of those fake supermarket flyers from a little while back with fake ridiculous names for all of the foods.

Also: it is Buzzfeed, in all its glory.
posted by DoctorFedora at 12:55 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Do you see what happens, Joanna Borns, when you find a stranger in the Alps?
posted by taz at 12:57 AM on March 16, 2015 [35 favorites]


There were some amusing moments in Tim Urban's article but, overall, he seems to be missing the point. I mean, he says:

There are no rules here. I’ve been trying to hold onto any semblance of structure I could but there’s nothing at all to hold on to.

She changes Salad to Salmon, a change that has no meaning or purpose

I think the Buzzfeed article would be way worse if there were clear rules, or like a formula for changing the words. The point is that it's silly and weird and surprising, like surrealism. Or, you know, people playing around, making jokes. Like you do.
posted by overglow at 1:03 AM on March 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


She's going for the whole Clickhole absurdist thing. Which means everything has come full circle, and the internet can finally be shut down.
posted by teponaztli at 1:05 AM on March 16, 2015 [17 favorites]


5. Pen Cakes.
No and no. I say in LAROUSSE voice, NO. Because, no marrons glacés, no.
posted by clavdivs at 1:06 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


After a couple I just started ignoring the commentary and loving the original. It's like a McSweeny's list with pictures. I laughed. The over-thought hateration is dumb.
posted by wemayfreeze at 1:08 AM on March 16, 2015 [31 favorites]


The Tim Urban article is made unreadable by its proximity and similarity to the Buzzfeed article.
Buzzfeed poisons its critics; It is an unstoppable force.
posted by FallowKing at 1:09 AM on March 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


it's the grey goo of content
posted by NoraReed at 1:15 AM on March 16, 2015 [11 favorites]


I'm really hungry right now
posted by TedW at 1:18 AM on March 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


And here I've just been amusing myself by just intentionally mispronouncing all my food products (seriously, it's hilarious)...like a goddamn caveman.
posted by sexyrobot at 1:21 AM on March 16, 2015


Tim Urban just makes me think of some weird hybrid country singer. (Oh god there is an actual singer named Tim Urban.)

Honestly I thought both articles were amusing in their own way. Looking at her article list it's pretty clear Borns is taking the piss most of the time.
posted by kmz at 1:21 AM on March 16, 2015


BRB, writing an Iron Man fanfic called "Peppertony Pizzzazz."
posted by lovecrafty at 1:30 AM on March 16, 2015 [25 favorites]


The Buzzfeed article was actually kinda funny. The supposed "takedown" of that article, the "The Most Depressing Buzzfeed Article of All Time" article, was kinda depressing, though.
posted by Bugbread at 1:35 AM on March 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


Yes, the profound laziness of the original article doubled me up with laughter. Whether intentional or not, it was not improved by the commentary, although I didn't think that was actually bad, either. Given her other articles, I'm guessing it was intentional.
posted by Edgewise at 1:36 AM on March 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


Here is the essence of the Tim Urban article, what makes it so great (and of course, so depressing):

Okay so it’s confirmed. Joanna Borns has been commissioned by the biggest website in the world to take normal food and change one word to an unrelated word that happens to rhyme.

If you are paid to arrange words - you could be a journalist, you could aspire to write Raymond Carver-esque short stories, or maybe you manage your company's blog or social media feed - the entire concept that someone out there is getting paid actual money to write this article and you are not is, well, depressing or deflating.

That's where things are at for writers in 2015. A fate worse than death.
posted by Nevin at 1:37 AM on March 16, 2015 [7 favorites]


Yeah, the original Buzzfeed page appears to be written by someone who has seen the Apple Cabin Foods flyers.
posted by D.C. at 1:40 AM on March 16, 2015 [19 favorites]


Actually, her other Buzzfeed articles are pretty funny. So... context is everything!
posted by Nevin at 1:45 AM on March 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


I feel like I'm the only one clicked that these were all auto-correct fails from mobile.

That no one else is pointing this out makes me doubt my own snaky.
posted by pmg at 1:49 AM on March 16, 2015 [11 favorites]


Biscuits n maybe
posted by Abon Sapi at 2:00 AM on March 16, 2015 [9 favorites]


The vast majority of Buzzfeed articles are depressing, in the "I feel bad about humanity for making this and about myself for reading it" sense.
posted by terretu at 2:02 AM on March 16, 2015


Mm...I could really go for some dumpings...
posted by sexyrobot at 2:12 AM on March 16, 2015


and some chicken fried snake
posted by pyramid termite at 2:13 AM on March 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


Ah, if some high-prestige male comedian had done it, it would be all quoted approvingly everywhere and everyone would be "I know, right?". I can see the tedious, oft-repeated Python sketch now.
posted by alasdair at 2:51 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Yeah, there are no differences in comedy tastes. Everyone finds the exact same things funny, but just pretend to find them unfunny because they are horrible misogynists.
posted by Bugbread at 2:56 AM on March 16, 2015 [18 favorites]


The article about the article is more depressing than the original. The original... well, it's no Troll Food.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:58 AM on March 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Any time anything gets attention, people try to do more of it. I bet there are six people thinking about how to wrest that 'lMost Depressing Buzzfeed' crown away for themselves right this minute.
posted by Segundus at 3:12 AM on March 16, 2015


It wasn't funny, or even amusing. There's a potentially funny piece here, but it's been done. Apparently, it had to be a high prestige male comedian after all. Also, "bean blankies."
posted by mikeand1 at 3:12 AM on March 16, 2015


It did powerfully recall the leaden whimsicality of my uncle round the dinner table when I was eight, so there's that.
posted by Segundus at 3:15 AM on March 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


FetaMilter
posted by HuronBob at 3:20 AM on March 16, 2015 [9 favorites]


Boost of the Wobbly? Reilly?
posted by PlusDistance at 3:42 AM on March 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


Biscuits n maybe

In my head, this is sung to the tune of Bjork's "Possibly maybe".
posted by Philosopher Dirtbike at 3:43 AM on March 16, 2015 [6 favorites]


I would eat a Feta Melter.
posted by chavenet at 3:48 AM on March 16, 2015 [6 favorites]


*grabs pibgorn*
posted by Karlos the Jackal at 4:11 AM on March 16, 2015 [7 favorites]


Yeah, I thought of Tom Haverford too when I read the article--but also, I thought of how much I find Tom irritating as hell. I mean, he's funny, but it's very much in a "oh my god you MORON" sort of way as opposed to actually telling jokes.

The original Buzzfeed article was totally something Tom would write in all seriousness, though.
posted by sciatrix at 4:14 AM on March 16, 2015


I am crying laughing here. Actual tears down my face laughing. I think if I had seen the original Buzzfeed post, I would have read the first couple, thought exactly what Urban thought - this is a stupid, not clever, lazy word switch - and moved on without even reading the rest. But because he took the time and kept going, I stayed on for the ride, thinking it would be a comedy-writer think piece. But by number 4 or so, Bornes's original piece just got so surreally insane that I laughed out loud. And then Urban didn't get that that was the joke? Or was too caught up in what is supposed to be understood as "funny" that he couldn't accept that there was humor there... so then his frustration with that was even more funny to me. It was like watching a conversation between a prig and an insane person, at a Defcon-5 Monty Python level of absurdity. To the point where I stopped reading Urban's comments, because all he needed to be making was those ' ´' ' " !' ' squeaking noises that angry Woodstock makes in Peanuts strips because all the joy was coming from how weird Bornes was willing to take it.

I know there's nothing less funny than trying to explain why something is funny, but I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard at a written piece, and for me it took both writers to get me there -- though I'm pretty sure the laughing I was doing at Urban's takedown wasn't the laugh he was aiming for.
posted by Mchelly at 4:14 AM on March 16, 2015 [18 favorites]


The basis for the whole Haverford schtick is to act stupid in a silly, quirky way, but with just enough wit to make it slightly charming. I feel like the original piece was missing that last ingredient.
posted by mikeand1 at 4:23 AM on March 16, 2015


Borns is obviously one of our great situationalist geniuses. She has exterminated all rational thought and is reporting back from the wormy underground of the subconscious. Either you accept her brilliant micropoems into your neuro-linguistic configuration manifold or else chew scars apple-tummy.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:27 AM on March 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


Isn't there a sort of "DIY Buzzfeed", where Buzzfeed will let amateurs write articles themselves for shits and giggles and they'll be hosted on the Buzzfeed platform but Buzzfeed isn't actually paying them? Because if that's the case, Urban's "someone who wants to be writing for Buzzfeed isn't and this jerk is getting paid for this shit" complaint is ringing awfully hollow.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:44 AM on March 16, 2015


That had no effect on me what so ever. At no point did I laugh, smile, cringe, yell, or hurl. I felt nothing while reading this. An empty, soulless vessel. Void of any emotion and just trudging on to the end, already committed to a premise I simply gave no fucks for or against. By sunrise, I will have forgotten I ever read this. I am fine with that.
posted by gideonswann at 4:45 AM on March 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


This is basically a modern day Anna Karenina. Dear WBY: Bye Felicia.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:58 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Who the hell puts green olives on their not bones?
posted by penduluum at 4:58 AM on March 16, 2015


Apple Cabin Foods is basically perfect. By the fourth or fifth iteration it lovingly renders the captions in a painstakingly rendered imitation of stingy, poorly-registered non-process black so you can faintly see the pictures through the letters, just like a real grocery flyer.
posted by pullayup at 5:25 AM on March 16, 2015 [6 favorites]


"No one has ever given less of a fuck."

That's actually quite the compliment. It takes effort to make things look easy. She's clearly trying very hard to make a new Apple Cabin Foods. I think she mostly achieves it? Except that ACF already exists, so now us veterans know what to expect, although the listicle format changes the experience a bit. She can start us off slow, until we come to expect ever increasing ridiculousness. ACF is browsable, you can have a more leisurely experience with it.

Isn't there a sort of "DIY Buzzfeed", where Buzzfeed will let amateurs write articles themselves for shits and giggles

yes.
posted by tofu_crouton at 5:31 AM on March 16, 2015


Joanna Borns
Buzzfeed Staff
posted by kmz at 5:33 AM on March 16, 2015


Even though the gimmick is the same, Apple Cabin Foods never grabbed me. I think what sold me on this one was "salmon".
posted by Bugbread at 5:33 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


That felt like a list of actual mispronunciations from her toddler, if she has one. Which is probably hilariously funny to very close family members, and no one else.
posted by graventy at 5:43 AM on March 16, 2015


gooby plz.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 5:43 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


I don't understand devoting this amount of attention to something that's clearly intended as a mildly amusing throwaway. Buzzfeed is nothing if not take-it-or-leave-it. It's not like it's the New York Times Style section or something, where visceral revulsion and a good head-clearing rant makes sense.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:06 AM on March 16, 2015


mchelly I completely agree. I felt like he was some curmudgeonly teacher droning on in the Peanuts grown-up voice, and she was like this anarchic mischievous sprite buzzing around him and driving him to greater and great heights of apoplectic fury, and then she disappeared and he thought for a second it was over and he had won, but then she leaped out at him from behind a desk making that salad-face and shouted "SALMON!!!!" and his brain exploded and I keeled over and died laughing.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 6:18 AM on March 16, 2015 [6 favorites]


Also I hadn't heard of Apple Cabin Foods before but now that I see it this is pretty obviously a direct piss-take of that (not just a ripoff imho) which makes this guy look even sillier.

Joanna Borns for President.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 6:21 AM on March 16, 2015


So a significant part of Urban's premise appears to be that a writing slot at Buzzfeed is a sought after thing. It's a job that lots of would-be writers dream of and would sacrifice to achieve, and so it's disrespectful to those people for someone who has a coveted job at Buzzfeed to waste it on something like this.

And that can't be right, can it? Seriously? Is Buzzfeed what people aspire to now?


Because this is pretty much what they do.
posted by Naberius at 6:25 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Yeah, salmon is pretty much what made me completely lose it. And I'm making these squeaky weasel noises because I can't breathe right and my husband asked what was so funny and I couldn't tell him and I couldn't tell him and I tried to show him but all it said was "Salmon" and I lost it again and think maybe I may be divorced.
posted by Mchelly at 6:26 AM on March 16, 2015 [5 favorites]


I don't understand devoting this amount of attention to something that's clearly intended as a mildly amusing throwaway. Buzzfeed is nothing if not take-it-or-leave-it. It's not like it's the New York Times Style section or something, where visceral revulsion and a good head-clearing rant makes sense.

It's the existential horror of it all.
posted by zarq at 6:28 AM on March 16, 2015


Also I never saw the Apple Cabin Foods flyers before this post and they're funny, but I really think it's the other guy's rage that is what puts this over the top for me. Like the only thing that would make this better for me is if there were too more pages of foods but they were all called "Bloorp" and by the top of the second page of Bloorps Urban would be saying "ANOTHER BLOORP? WHY WHAYT" and yet he is still reading and frustratedly commenting and all it is is Bloorps and maybe a taco.
posted by Mchelly at 6:29 AM on March 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


And that can't be right, can it? Seriously? Is Buzzfeed what people aspire to now?

About a week ago: I Hate Myself Because I Don't Work For Buzzfeed.
posted by box at 6:32 AM on March 16, 2015


it all just comes off like buzzfeed turned tim urban down for a job.
posted by nadawi at 6:33 AM on March 16, 2015


It's the existential horror of it all.

I actually do get the outrage, it's just that in comparison to the other soul-withering pop-cultural horrors we've borne witness to in the past decades, Buzzfeed is at least absurdist and playful. It's candy, but it's not the grossest candy we have ever been offered.

Fear Factor was pretty horrifying. It's hard to remember the pop culture eyesores that made tons of money but I think that is mostly because I'm running on insufficient caffeine.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:39 AM on March 16, 2015


Cheese quake is a Cat & Girl reference.
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 6:40 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Poor writer girl was having an off day. I blame the editor for letting it through!
posted by misterdub at 6:41 AM on March 16, 2015


It's hard to remember the pop culture eyesores that made tons of money but I think that is mostly because I'm running on insufficient caffeine.

Fear Factor helped kick off the modern reality show, 'humiliation television' phenomenon. Impossible to select a single nadir there, imo
posted by zarq at 6:54 AM on March 16, 2015


wemayfreeze: "It's like a McSweeny's list with pictures"

Reminded me of a Letterman Top Ten list in the early days, when it was often pretty Dada.
posted by Chrysostom at 6:55 AM on March 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


It's important for everyone to not read clickbait and theiving content mill sites like BuzzFeed or The Huffington Post. Even if they are really easy to digest or they sometimes have an interesting or good article. They're Internet poison.
posted by koavf at 6:56 AM on March 16, 2015


The fact that this could be done with a few thousand buzzfeed articles is an excellent argument for genius's goal of annotating the web. This is the backchannel snark we crave.
posted by Going To Maine at 6:56 AM on March 16, 2015




Poor writer girl was having an off day. I blame the editor for letting it through!

"Oh god, I have a deadline tomorrow morning. ... Fuck it. Goin' to the bar."
"Oh god, I have a deadline in two hours. Well, I have time to go get breakfast."
"Oh shit, I have a deadline in like an hour. I should probably come up with something to write about."
"Oh god, I have to turn something in. In 12 minutes. Oh god. Think. Think. THINK!... I'm so screwed."
Two year old child: "Mommy, can I have blumbos and taw bearies, pease?"
"EUREKA!!"
posted by zarq at 7:03 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


buttsfeeb
posted by fleetmouse at 7:12 AM on March 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


So a significant part of Urban's premise appears to be that a writing slot at Buzzfeed is a sought after thing. It's a job that lots of would-be writers dream of and would sacrifice to achieve, and so it's disrespectful to those people for someone who has a coveted job at Buzzfeed to waste it on something like this.

And that can't be right, can it? Seriously? Is Buzzfeed what people aspire to now?


previously
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:12 AM on March 16, 2015


Impossible to select a single nadir there, imo

May I suggest The Swan?
posted by Mchelly at 7:27 AM on March 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


May I suggest The Swan?

Or Married By America.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:42 AM on March 16, 2015


I clicked the link and then I thought, "Oh, no, wait, I have to read the uncommentedon original first or I'm committing a sin." So I read the original up to "Egg bean & dip" and then thought, "This is stupid" and went back to the comments. They were endless repetitions of "this is stupid," but I kept going up to and past "Egg bean & dip." Whereupon I encountered "Peanut boy and jaleel" and found redemption and clarity and understanding. After "Pringles" I quit reading the comments. What I like best is the major risk it took--in a Buzzfeed article!--with the slow build and the somewhat sophisticated and difficult-to-parse stuff early in the list like number 3 and 6. Trusting the reader. In a Buzzfeed article. All is not lost after all.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:57 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Peppertony Pizzzazz sounds like a player for the Key and Peele football league.
posted by Edgewise at 8:01 AM on March 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


I kept waiting for a plate of beans to appear.
posted by adamrice at 8:12 AM on March 16, 2015


I made it halfway through Urban's "critique" before coming back to this thread to see if anything could reconstitute my shattered sense of literacy. (69 comments, right?)

pmg's hypothesis that these are autocorrect fails helped me realize Borns's listicle might have something to do with AI, and the thought of the machines feeding back to us a version of what they think we think livened up my memory of Urban's incensed and, so, confusingly dreary plod.

But it was Mchelly's faithful and uncanny recount of the psycholiterary Markovian encounter of unwitting Internet-connected agonists that—like the soundless flashing through optic fiber telecomm—made me understand Urban and Borns have always already been AI.

Have always already been AI.

I ㄴㅁㄴed.
posted by mistersquid at 8:14 AM on March 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Unfortunately the author of the Buzzfeed article is just doing a far lazier version of LiartownUSA's (aka ShittingtonUK) Apple Cabins flyers (complete with ripping off the use of "friends" to name foods and the misuse of pickles).

Definitely recommend everyone to check out the flyers, which are much funnier and absurd on their own with the "sales pitches" that accompany the foods.

LiartownUSA's tumblr is worth checking out also for the fake Netflix summaries. Good stuff.
posted by auggy at 8:38 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


It's a race to the bottom, with the bottom getting bottomier every day.
posted by tommasz at 8:40 AM on March 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Feta Melter: No one has ever driven less of a puck
posted by elwoodwiles at 8:44 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


The over-thought hateration is dumb.

anyone who says "hateration" with a straight face deserves to be buzzfed down the nearest clickhole.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 9:18 AM on March 16, 2015 [5 favorites]


In one of the darkest moments in human history, Borns finishes by changing Taco to Talking, literally ending everyone’s life forever.

I'm glad that's over.
posted by hellojed at 9:21 AM on March 16, 2015


Screw becoming a novelist. I have new aspirations.
posted by halifix at 9:31 AM on March 16, 2015


Also… SHRAMP.
posted by mistersquid at 9:39 AM on March 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


I don't know if Apple Cabin Foods is the originator or not, but "absurdly wrong names for food" has definitely been a thing on the internet for a while. I gotta say though, BuzzFeed's hot take on it is almost as funny as their "20 People From Classical Art Masterpieces Who Just Can't Even" ripoff of Mallory Ortberg!

and yes I would smash my own thumbs with a hammer to get a staff writer position there why is that relevant
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:40 AM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


i like peppertony pizzzazz
posted by mazola at 9:40 AM on March 16, 2015


a dull chia burr, anyan rin, ana lar oran..


DRINK! DRINK! SAY IT! DRINK!
posted by drlith at 10:34 AM on March 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


The Buzzfeed article is silly and cute while the article in the OP is kind of awful and grating. I've never been a fan of people who think over-the-top rage at things is funny and the article doesn't even have the benefit of writing about it well.
posted by flatluigi at 12:11 PM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Original should obviously be read in Brian Butterfield voice.
posted by Vendar at 12:49 PM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


LOLTECHNOLOGY
posted by rhizome at 1:44 PM on March 16, 2015


Takes me back to high school, when we went for breakfast at "Drunken Blownuts".

I'm thinking this is a McSweeny's article on "What if James Joyce Wrote for Buzzfeed?"

It's no Yelping with Cormac, but it could probably make a decent web series for anyone who can pastiche famous authors...
posted by Mad_Carew at 1:54 PM on March 16, 2015


Not only does she produce internet gold like this on Buzzfeed, according to her Twitter profile she's also writing for The Onion. So yes, there is no difference between Buzzfeed and Clickhole anymore.
posted by dominik at 1:58 PM on March 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


there is also this video of Handsome Snack Reviews: french frieds, big mike, slicey fruiters, etc
posted by NoraReed at 2:23 PM on March 16, 2015


alasdair: "Ah, if some high-prestige male comedian had done it, it would be all quoted approvingly everywhere and everyone would be "I know, right?"."

I know right? Squagels!

Also: I got a feel that the og buzzfeed listicle was like one of those shit records a band makes for the record company to close out their contract... BlingTerm...
posted by symbioid at 5:16 PM on March 16, 2015


For the record Sean Tejaratchi (ACF/Craphound dude) rules.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 8:44 PM on March 16, 2015




Joanna Borns has been commissioned by the biggest website in the world...

Just in case that gave anyone else pause, BuzzFeed is NOT the biggest Website in the world (at least according to the only rankings). BuzzFeed is #100. Google is #1.

That felt like a list of actual mispronunciations from her toddler, if she has one. Which is probably hilariously funny to very close family members, and no one else.

Actually, after the first 2, when I realized the commentary was going to be all "Can you believe it?!" I just skipped the commentary and read the names.

Both Ham Bungalo and Bong Paquito made me laugh out loud.

MOTTO PANUKEIKU!
posted by mrgrimm at 11:33 AM on March 17, 2015


WATERTOWER
posted by duffell at 6:31 PM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


Joanna Borns is an evil genius and I want to marry her.

I love it.
posted by kmz at 8:34 PM on March 21, 2015


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