"The March Madness of Internet Garbage"
March 18, 2015 7:09 AM   Subscribe

The Worst Internet Things Bracket

[alt link via Google for those getting a redirect error]
posted by alby (102 comments total) 30 users marked this as a favorite
 
Is there a bracket for things in brackets yet?
posted by Strange Interlude at 7:16 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


"This webpage has a redirect loop"
posted by escape from the potato planet at 7:17 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


Is there a bracket for things in brackets yet?

Midwest's 10 seed seems relevant:
(10) MARCH MADNESS BRACKET REPURPOSING TROPES. Oh, so you're too precious to just list some things, God forbid. Yeah, leave that for BuzzFeed. You're not like them.
posted by dismas at 7:19 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


Definitely 4, from the Midwest region. Chronological order is the only order that makes any damned sense. There is no way to force Facebook to use it. Even when it claims to be using it, it's still showing you "Somebody you don't know liked this post from 2007" as all-important breaking news and re-showing you the same post you already commented on three days ago that's had no activity since then and not showing you the thing that your own spouse posted in the last couple of hours.

But the only thing wrong with Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is there is only one of it instead of being an ongoing series.
posted by Foosnark at 7:22 AM on March 18, 2015 [9 favorites]


[I've added an alt link that goes through Google for people getting a redirect error (as I did at first)]
posted by taz (staff) at 7:23 AM on March 18, 2015


(1) POP-UP ADS ON ILLEGAL SPORTS FEEDS

I, uh, hear that he is really onto something with this one.
posted by The Gooch at 7:24 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


"This webpage has a redirect loop"

This webpage is a redirect loop.
posted by Etrigan at 7:32 AM on March 18, 2015


Conference-calling is like swimming, in that human beings clearly aren't gonna get any better at it, no matter how much time we're given.

QFT.

ROUGHLY 85 PERCENT OF INTERNET MEN. You're being yourselves and I wish you would stop.

bahahahahahahaha
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:34 AM on March 18, 2015 [16 favorites]


We used to make things in this country.
posted by duffell at 7:35 AM on March 18, 2015 [12 favorites]


Oh my god. #11 South (Crossfit message boards). This thread is the gift that keeps on giving.
posted by St. Hubbins at 7:35 AM on March 18, 2015 [35 favorites]


Jon Bois needs his own media empire.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:35 AM on March 18, 2015 [10 favorites]


"I am on Team Bacon! I have no palate and I want to belong. Bacon pizza."

I like this guy
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:37 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


OH GOD St. Hubbins, there goes my day and my faith in humanity.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:37 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


For those thinking of not clicking through, this is by writer/national treasure Jon Bois of Radio Shack Eulogy and Breaking Madden fame.
posted by davidjmcgee at 7:38 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


OH GOD St. Hubbins, there goes my day and my faith in humanity.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:37 AM on March 18 [+] [!]


Eponysterical.
posted by St. Hubbins at 7:39 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


aol doing anything

please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox please buy vox
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:40 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Speaking as a non-American, is this something I'd need to own something to understand?
posted by effbot at 7:41 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]




Years ago I made a foray into beer-snobbery and found that it was deeply unrewarding. A growler of Old Man Inquisitor Excoriationist Old Sea Shipwater Man XLVIIIIIIII Ale Stoutale Nitro Interlocutor Behemoth Alestout is great, sure, but so is a can of crummy light beer on a hot day. Every beer is pretty good.

"Every beer is pretty good" is right up there with Warren Zevon's admonition to enjoy every sandwich.
posted by jbickers at 7:46 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


effbot: Not really. See, if you know any Americans, then our constant proffering this time of year of "You should hear who's in my bracket" -- followed by every choice of college basketball team and its complete justification in the overall framework -- will teach you soon enough.

I wish Frank Turner would re-record "I Don't Care What You Did on Your Gap Year" as "I Don't Care Who's in Your Stupid Bracket."
posted by wenestvedt at 7:47 AM on March 18, 2015


They;re not arguing about how many days are in a week, its just that one guy knows you can work out every other day 4 times a week and everyone keeps being rude to him.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:49 AM on March 18, 2015 [6 favorites]


"Every beer is pretty good" is right up there with Warren Zevon's admonition to enjoy every sandwich.

This is the THING about the internet, which I also constantly fall prey to. It is now possible, without speaking to a single other human or leaving your home, to exhaustively research the absolute 100% best of the best of everything. So we can't just like beer now, we have to like The Fanciest Beer, and we have to buy raw unwashable jeans, and then it gets to the point where I just want to buy some ballpoint pens and I'm spending like three hours reading pen reviews and, like, you know what? Most pens are fine. Most jeans are fine. IT'S ALL FINE.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:50 AM on March 18, 2015 [51 favorites]


I have to admit that "(9) ATHEISTS WHO LOVE TO ARGUE. Here's a fun one: tell them there's a gap in the fossil record and then immediately mute them. This will banish them to their own specialized Hell, thereby disproving their argument." made me immediately start looking for a cranky atheist to do this to.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:53 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


My 1 seed is people who act like everyone with fewer twitter followers than them is the fat kid trying to get picked for dodgeball but blithely @ darth & Jenny Pentland like they're all sitting in the same open office talkin' shop on Slack.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:54 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


"There's a bodybuilding dot com thread where two guys argue about how many days are in a week"

I run every other day and, over the course of many long runs, had already carefully considered every POV in that thread. It's humiliating to see them all in print. I'm hopeless.
posted by klarck at 7:56 AM on March 18, 2015 [11 favorites]


that bodybuilding thread goes on for 5 pages. FIVE PAGES.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:57 AM on March 18, 2015 [14 favorites]


IT'S ALL FINE.

You've inspired me. I'm gonna immediately stop reading "best of" lists and websites and the next time someone's all "I just bought the best-reviewed pen of all time" I'm gonna be like FUCK YOU I JUST FOUND THIS PEN IN MY DAMN COUCH 5 STARS A PLUS PLUS WOULD FIND AGAIN
posted by Doleful Creature at 7:59 AM on March 18, 2015 [31 favorites]


They;re not arguing about how many days are in a week, its just that one guy knows you can work out every other day 4 times a week and everyone keeps being rude to him.

No no. See:

If you work out every other day for 31 days, that is 16 days a month, 4 days a week!

Also, of course, we have

Moron, get off your high horse. You're nothing to me. I am college educated too and I make a lot of money for a 23 yr old.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:00 AM on March 18, 2015 [12 favorites]


Love that bodybuilding thread, because it is the perfect example of an old-school internet troll in the wild. So satisfying.
posted by muddgirl at 8:03 AM on March 18, 2015 [11 favorites]


Doleful Creature, before you listen to me you should know that I bought my ice cube trays only after literally hours of research. I'm weak. WEAK!
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:04 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


Calling it now. Final Four will all be about Facebook.
posted by Naberius at 8:14 AM on March 18, 2015


plucky outsider gamergate is going to be the Zebra-in-the-Kentucky-Derby of this wretched churnfest of bullet point grunt-noise.
posted by boo_radley at 8:20 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


(searches page for "reddit")

0 hits

This bracket is broken. Or does ROUGHLY 85 PERCENT OF INTERNET MEN cover that
posted by delfin at 8:22 AM on March 18, 2015 [14 favorites]


Game 7 of the Super Bowl ???
posted by MtDewd at 8:22 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm currently on a conference call where one of the participants seem to be calling in unmuted from a garbage truck so my pick is obvious.
posted by Blue Meanie at 8:22 AM on March 18, 2015 [8 favorites]


I'd heard that that bodybuilding thread was from the section of the forum designated, either officially or by custom, for trolling the hell out of each other, but "workout programs" would be a pretty subtle title for that kind of thing
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:23 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


This is by far the toughest region of the tournament.
posted by padraigin at 8:27 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


That bodybuilding.com thread sure looks an awful lot like the by-product of off-label HGH use and some serious carb-cycling. I'm good friends with a coupe bodybuilder bros and when they are prepping for a contest well...let's just say it doesn't do your brain ANY favors...

Every discussion turns into a maddening hyper-logical-to-the-point-of-meaninglessness shitstorm. It's like the angry opposite of a pot-fueled "philosophy" debate.
posted by Doleful Creature at 8:31 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


(2) WOMEN BEING ASKED THINGS AND THEN BEING CORRECTED WHEN THEY ANSWER.
Worst Internet Things, you say?
posted by divined by radio at 8:38 AM on March 18, 2015 [26 favorites]


This is the 40th comment on this post. You won't believe what happens next!

stole that
posted by eriko at 8:40 AM on March 18, 2015


From the comments to TFA:
Youtube comments
Fastest way to go from the golden afterglow of watching something inspirational to questioning your commitment to the social contract.
A sentiment oft felt, but ne'er so well expressed.
posted by KathrynT at 8:46 AM on March 18, 2015 [40 favorites]


There's a bodybuilding dot com thread where two guys argue about how many days are in a week.

I can only assume this was a survival of the old pagan lunar calendar of 13 months and it's brutal suppression by the Church in the middle ages in favor of the 12-month solar calendar. This can be seen in the two versions of the old English ballad Robin Hood and the Curtal Friar. The better known version reads:

There are twelve months in all the year,
As I hear many men say.
But the merriest month in all the year,
Is the merry month of May

This replaced the older version found in the Percy manuscript:

But how many merry monthes be in the yeere?
There are thirteen, I say;
The midsummer moon is the merryest of all,
Next to the merry month of May.

I was not aware of strong pagan currents running through the bodybuilding community, but it doesn't surprise me.
posted by Naberius at 8:46 AM on March 18, 2015 [8 favorites]


(1) POP-UP ADS ON ILLEGAL SPORTS FEEDS

The thing some sites do where every illegal sports feed has its own chatroom box on the right is much, much worse.
posted by almostmanda at 8:47 AM on March 18, 2015


AD PLAYS, ACTUAL VIDEO DOESN'T.

I love this list so much.

And by "love" I mean loathe with the heat of a thousand suns, but you knew that already.

...

By the way, when I highlighted the selection to quote here, a box popped up, inviting me to "Share your selection with your interweb friends. Tweet (31 characters). Share on Facebook." Well played, Sir, well played.
posted by RedOrGreen at 8:50 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Worth it for teaching me about that incredible Plano East-John Tyler 1994 football YouTube video. Man.

When I was a college freshman, suffering from misery and depression for a lot of reasons that you can partially guess from the part where I said "I was a college freshman", I had a really cool and nerdy RA, Shelley. Shelley was a media geek, just like I was, and at some point in between my consuming countless David Lynch films and the entire run of The Wire and going through lists of the Best Albums Ever just to find that nearly none of them spoke to me and pirating obscure Russian videos games that promised to run my entire life into a bleak pit of crazed multiyear megalomaniacal senior theses......... Shelley comes by and is like, "OH MY GOD HOW DO YOU ENJOY ART AND NOT KNOW JOSS WHEDON?" And she tells me about Doctor Horrible, and tells me to put it on.

There is a word, most likely a German one, to describe the feeling of having somebody with whom you felt fairly in tune, somebody you trusted, somebody you relied upon, abruptly and with a very simple gesture abash any notion you had of companionship, fraternity, comfort, shelter, love. I tend to use the shorthand "Whedon", as I have found no more reliable indicator that a person who would, on some surface level, appear to have things in common with people, is in fact an agent for some grim cause which involves replacing everything I know dear with a crude simulacrum of good-ness that goes so far as to cast a talented, lovable man like Neil Patrick Harris in a short which, as far as I can tell, exists to deny us all the possibility that life can be good or fair or just or even worth living in the first place. Thankfully my spite for others' existence outweighed, even in that terrible year, my despair at carrying through with my own, so I remain here today to help prevent people who might similarly make the same mistake.

Shelley later invited me to ComicCon, specifically so that I could join her in attempting to see Joss Whedon, the pursuit of which she wound up abandoning me for for about two hours, only to come back having succeeded at nothing, not even the futile and utterly worthless task which she had asked me to overpay in order to help her do. Which I would resent her for, except that another friend of mine had me watch three seasons of Buffy and another friend asked me to give Serenity a try, so I'm not reasonably certain that the fault isn't with those people, it's with the putrid black muck that is Whedon's career seeping into people and attempting to turn them into agents of darkness. Much like Satan does, except that I know for a fact that Satan doesn't exist and it's because Doctor Horrible cannot share a universe with one containing angels, however far those celestial beings might attempt to fall.
posted by rorgy at 8:57 AM on March 18, 2015 [17 favorites]


11) PERSON ON EVERY GOTOMEETING CALL WHO IS BANGING A POT AND SHRIEKING. One person's holding a crying baby. Another has a dog who won't shut up. The presenter is standing in the bathroom, towel over his face, speaking 35 feet away from a speakerphone made in 1996. Conference-calling is like swimming, in that human beings clearly aren't gonna get any better at it, no matter how much time we're given.

100X THIS. Also the writer forgot the 20 minute set-up in the office where the one person who knows how to get the departmental computer back on track from having been used by the other company you share the conference room with is out to lunch and everyone wants to be in the drivers seat on the machine but no one knows the god damn password.
posted by edbles at 9:04 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Conference-calling is like swimming, in that human beings clearly aren't gonna get any better at it, no matter how much time we're given.

OMG. YES. I'm on a monthly conference call that ALWAYS has people, A, multi-tasking without muting so we hear all their typing and worse, and B, putting the call on hold so that their hold music is now broadcast to all attendees. AND THEN THIS MONTH the presenter finally said after 20 minutes, oh, hey, we're going to go into Presentation Mode which mutes everyone. WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN DOING THAT THE WHOLE TIME?!?!!!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:05 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


that bodybuilding thread goes on for 5 pages. FIVE PAGES.

If you only read every other page that cuts it down to four.
posted by yoink at 9:05 AM on March 18, 2015 [57 favorites]


is in fact an agent for some grim cause which involves replacing everything I know dear with a crude simulacrum of good-ness that goes so far as to cast a talented, lovable man like Neil Patrick Harris in a short which, as far as I can tell, exists to deny us all the possibility that life can be good or fair or just or even worth living in the first place. Thankfully my spite for others' existence outweighed, even in that terrible year, my despair at carrying through with my own, so I remain here today to help prevent people who might similarly make the same mistake...so I'm not reasonably certain that the fault isn't with those people, it's with the putrid black muck that is Whedon's career seeping into people and attempting to turn them into agents of darkness. Much like Satan does, except that I know for a fact that Satan doesn't exist and it's because Doctor Horrible cannot share a universe with one containing angels, however far those celestial beings might attempt to fall.
posted by rorgy at 11:57 AM on March 18 [+] [!]


So you were like super sad when that bad thing happened to Felicia Day's character? That's cool. We all process grief differently.
posted by edbles at 9:06 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


(6) GOOGLE KILLING GOOGLE READER. Google Reader was my favorite social media network of all time. It was essentially the best possible version of what Facebook could have been.

YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE.

And look, you're reading this on Google+ right now! You're even wearing a Google+ T-shirt, and you flew a Google+ to work this morning!

I hope this is a joke, because I basically burned all my google stuff in response. BTW Yandex mail is really good. I still have an RSS-shaped hole in my heart though (still not over it).
posted by Dr-Baa at 9:07 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


(16) YOUTUBE LEGAL DISCLAIMERS UNDER UPLOADS OF "THRILLER" THAT SAY "I DID NOT MAKE THIS SONG." I actually love these. They're here because I wanted to bring them up.

NO COPYRIGHT INTENDED
posted by uncleozzy at 9:10 AM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


iTunes is like having your hand held by a robot who wants to walk into the ocean and die.

This.....may the best sentence ever written.
posted by Existential Dread at 9:13 AM on March 18, 2015 [57 favorites]


I hope this is a joke

I'll go ask all my friends on Google Plus if it's a joke or not. BRB.
posted by yoink at 9:17 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


"SOMEONE ASKING "DID YOU GET MY EMAIL" IN REAL LIFE."

He does't seem to grasp that when people "ask" you this, they are not actually requesting information, but saying, "You failed to do something you said you'd do, and I'm doing you the courtesy of pretending I'm not sure you got my email rather than directly calling attention to your failure."
posted by escabeche at 9:18 AM on March 18, 2015 [15 favorites]


He does't seem to grasp that when people "ask" you this, they are not actually requesting information, but saying, "You failed to do something you said you'd do, and I'm doing you the courtesy of pretending I'm not sure you got my email rather than directly calling attention to your failure."

Not when they show up at your cube literally 5 minutes or less after sending it. There are multiple offenders like this in my office.
posted by misskaz at 9:21 AM on March 18, 2015 [15 favorites]


funnier than it had any right to be
posted by OHenryPacey at 9:21 AM on March 18, 2015


The YouTube copyright disclaimers make me feel like I have cramps in my brain.

"I claim no rights to this song". Then why are you taking an action—distributing the song online—which requires that you do have copyright?

"I did not create this song." Completely irrelevant!

"I claim fair use." You are an idiot who doesn't know what "fair use" means. Hint: it doesn't mean that you can do whatever you like with someone else's intellectual property.

"No copyright violation intended." Of course copyright violation was intended. You uploaded the song to YouTube; you are well aware that you don't own the copyright to the song (or you wouldn't have bothered to post this disclaimer); this was an intentional act. Ergo, you intended to violate copyright. Anyway, it doesn't matter whether you intended to violate copyright—what matters is that you did. You don't get to rob a bank, and then say "oops, that was an accident! I didn't mean to rob that bank!".

People apparently have no fucking clue how copyright works, on the most basic level—and believe that copying-and-pasting these made-up legal incantations makes it okay for them to break the law. arrrggh

(I'm not saying that copyright law is wonderful and without flaw, or that I necessarily disapprove of any particular violation of copyright law. I'm just saying...holy hell, people are clueless)
posted by escape from the potato planet at 9:21 AM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


Hey man, all those warez.lootz.com sites I went to in the 90s said they were strictly for informational purposes only, you could only download them if you already owned the software, everything was for backup purposes only, you could download them for 24 hours and then you had to delete everything, and also are you a cop? You have to tell me if you are.
posted by kmz at 9:27 AM on March 18, 2015 [11 favorites]


You have to say if you're copywrited before I upload u tho otherwise it's entrapment.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:27 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


Dammit
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:28 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


100) People who make the same joke .001 second before you do
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:28 AM on March 18, 2015 [11 favorites]


Holy crap that was funny, and I hate everything!
posted by lkc at 9:39 AM on March 18, 2015


i really enjoyed that, but expected to come back here and find that everyone else hated it. after all these years, how can i (occasionally) be so wrong about the collective mindset of metafilter??!!
posted by rude.boy at 9:42 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


We all wanted to sleep in this morning, and just don't have the energy to really hate anything right now.
posted by General Tonic at 9:47 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


after all these years, how can i (occasionally) be so wrong about the collective mindset of metafilter??!!

Jon Bois is the new Bill Murray.
posted by Etrigan at 9:48 AM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


He does't seem to grasp that when people "ask" you this, they are not actually requesting information, but saying, "You failed to do something you said you'd do, and I'm doing you the courtesy of pretending I'm not sure you got my email rather than directly calling attention to your failure."

Not when they show up at your cube literally 5 minutes or less after sending it. There are multiple offenders like this in my office.


I haven't found a nice way to say "I got it, but I didn't want to deal with it/you because I have so many other things I'd rather focus on." Email/texting allows me to follow my introvert fantasy of other people not being able to see me, and I hate when they call me on it.
posted by bibliowench at 9:52 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


I thought that was very good, but I really wish he'd included "Not being able to find a simple piece of information that could be expressed in one sentence without having to watch a damn video". There are so many times I've just needed to be told, like, "cut the ribbon to three inches" or "the exact words of the character's reply were..." or "cut the blue wire before the red wire" or whatever and instead all I can find is God damn fucking wikihow videos that don't give me the simple piece of information I need in text so I can read it at work.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 9:56 AM on March 18, 2015 [28 favorites]


There is a word, most likely a German one, to describe the feeling of having somebody with whom you felt fairly in tune, somebody you trusted, somebody you relied upon, abruptly and with a very simple gesture abash any notion you had of companionship, fraternity, comfort, shelter, love.

I'm having a terrifying similiar experience WITH MY HUSBAND right now (my husband! the man I married! the father of my child!) starting with "I think you would really like Die Antwoord" and continuing for the last month of insisting that, in order to really appreciate Die Antwoord, I need to listen to this Die Antwoord song, watch this Die Antwoord video, read this Die Antwoord and Lady Gaga Twitter fight. I have no idea why he thinks I would like Die Antwoord, and it's making me question every cultural product we've shared together.
posted by Ideal Impulse at 10:07 AM on March 18, 2015 [19 favorites]


I thought that was very good, but I really wish he'd included "Not being able to find a simple piece of information that could be expressed in one sentence without having to watch a damn video". There are so many times I've just needed to be told, like, "cut the ribbon to three inches" or "the exact words of the character's reply were..." or "cut the blue wire before the red wire" or whatever and instead all I can find is God damn fucking wikihow videos that don't give me the simple piece of information I need in text so I can read it at work.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 12:56 PM on March 18 [2 favorites −] Favorite added! [!]


If Google's your search engine and you're looking for visual information I usually just switch tabs into images to avoid this problem and usually you can find a nice step by step diagram on how to tie a tie or whatever.
posted by edbles at 10:07 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


If Google's your search engine and you're looking for visual information I usually just switch tabs into images to avoid this problem and usually you can find a nice step by step diagram on how to tie a tie or whatever.

I just tried Googling for "bracket" and had to switch tabs all the way to shopping to find an actual bracket.
posted by effbot at 10:12 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


> iTunes is like having your hand held by a robot who wants to walk into the ocean and die.

I quoted this line in a desperate plea for alternatives to my social media circle*. It has long since surpassed MS Word as the piece of software I hate the most, and even Word doesn't a) seem like it was designed to be bad on purpose and b) doesn't get worse and worse with each new version. iTunes, you are my winner.

Seriously, can anyone suggest something else that would play nice with a MacBook Air? IT'S THE FUCKING WORST
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:35 AM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


Loved it, but how is there not an entry for: "any video/article with the phrase 'you won't believe what happens' in it"

It's entirely possible I have missed out on many enriching experiences, but I refuse, REFUSE, to ever click through to anything that follows that formulation.
posted by ghostiger at 10:42 AM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


Imma let you finish but I want to go ahead and add articles explaining "Millenials" to this list
posted by thelonius at 10:46 AM on March 18, 2015


Websites with "Share your selection with your interweb friends" popups whenever you highlight text on the page.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:54 AM on March 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


I was about to say. I actually laughed out loud when I saw that happen.
posted by brundlefly at 10:58 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


He had to specify Worst Internet Things because if it had been Worst Computer Things the Yosemite would have won it too easily.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:00 AM on March 18, 2015


Things I would add:

1. "You do know that [UNSUPPORTED ASSERTION], don't you?"

2. "...at its finest." used sarcastically. As in, "This is ignorance at its finest!" or "Political correctness at its finest!" I don't know why, but people on the internet started using this all the damn time over the past few years. The repetition has really driven me up the wall.
posted by brundlefly at 11:02 AM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


I haven't found a nice way to say "I got it, but I didn't want to deal with it/you because I have so many other things I'd rather focus on."

"Yep, I saw it. It's in my queue."
posted by KathrynT at 11:03 AM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


doesn't get worse and worse with each new version.

Don't update. ITunes 7 is a perfectly cromulent music collection tool.
posted by MartinWisse at 11:37 AM on March 18, 2015


PERSON ON EVERY GOTOMEETING CALL WHO IS BANGING A POT AND SHRIEKING

I think the peak of this is my coworker who has fucking *parrots* in the same room. Piercing squawks out of nowhere, yes, that seems super professional!
posted by smackfu at 11:59 AM on March 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


(2) ITUNES. I thought I was the only one who messed up a sync and ended up wiping an entire music library that I had spent years building, but multiple friends have told me that they did the exact same thing. iTunes is like having your hand held by a robot who wants to walk into the ocean and die.

This should be the number one seed in the Midwest. No other piece of shit software has given me more trouble than iTunes. Including RealPlayer.
posted by Ber at 12:15 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


(1) R*DSK*NSFACTS.COM. That site is part of Dan Snyder's effort to prop up his racism and culture-marginalizing for long enough to sell a few more sweatshirts. I didn't link to the site. Instead, that link goes to what is probably my favorite video on YouTube. It's from a 1994 high school football game. If you haven't seen it, then ohhhh man, you will not regret the five minutes you give it.
rorgy: “Worth it for teaching me about that incredible Plano East-John Tyler 1994 football YouTube video. Man.”
Bois is absolutely right about that video. If, like me, you too have never seen it, it is worth the five minutes.
posted by ob1quixote at 12:18 PM on March 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


If, like me, you too have never seen it, it is worth the five minutes.

Spoiler... But the end of that video is like if at the end of Empire Strikes Back, The Death Star just rematerializes and then blows up Endor.
posted by drezdn at 1:10 PM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


He does't seem to grasp that when people "ask" you this, they are not actually requesting information, but saying, "You failed to do something you said you'd do, and I'm doing you the courtesy of pretending I'm not sure you got my email rather than directly calling attention to your failure."

Not when they show up at your cube literally 5 minutes or less after sending it. There are multiple offenders like this in my office.


Or when you have actually responded to their email, and yet the next time you see them in person they ask . . ."Did you get my email?" 4 out of 5 people who ask this will get irritated if you respond, "Yes, did you get mine?" and say, "I haven't checked my email yet today!" rather huffily.
posted by chainsofreedom at 1:37 PM on March 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


ATHEISTS WHO LOVE TO ARGUE turned me off right there (but I DID NOT mute him). If you want a 45-minute blather, just suggest to a Creationist that there IS a fossil record.

WOMEN BEING ASKED THINGS AND THEN BEING CORRECTED WHEN THEY ANSWER is the only mention at anything sexist on the 64... considering the plague of misogyny we are currently being inundated with online, I'd say he's trying to get the Gamergator audience with this major failure (NOT fail) of a Buzzfeed-clone list.
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:40 PM on March 18, 2015


I would add

Youtube videos that turn out to just be slide shows

and

People who use elaborate acronyms for movies/tvshows/books on discussion boards. SWC4ANH? Please, just say "Star Wars." Just spell out the goddamn title so I can know what the hell you're talking about because right now it sounds like you're writing a shitty software manual.

And get off my lawn.
posted by Ratio at 1:47 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


WOMEN BEING ASKED THINGS AND THEN BEING CORRECTED WHEN THEY ANSWER is the only mention at anything sexist on the 64

I would count "Roughly 85% of Internet men: you're being yourselves and I wish you would stop" in this category. Really I was incredibly gratified to see this, and the more-or-less absence of huffy, shitty pushback in the comments section. Is it possible that there is some sort of emerging awareness of the problem in places other than metafilter?!
posted by KathrynT at 2:13 PM on March 18, 2015 [10 favorites]


Wendell: you are wrong and you may want to check to see if u r a sea lion.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:42 PM on March 18, 2015


Meh. I'm just happy that that 'bracket' bit was the only thing I regretted clicking on yesterday (and only mildly disappointed it made MeFi's Front Page today). There are other better (a little or a lot) "March Madness Bracket Alternatives" out there like Public Media Madness (PBS vs NPR, with Cookie Monster and Carl Kassel destined for the finals), Forbes' Jargon Madness (with some that SHOULD be part of BullshitSans), the Most '90s Band Ever Tournament and, obviously, Marx Madness.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:11 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


...and did somebody call me a 'sea lion'?
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:28 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


a friend (really) fell asleep during a conference call and woke up hours after it was over. I do believe he said it on was mute, but I enjoy nonetheless the idea of people trying to express their important point and then *snore* *snore* and people are yelling at him to wake up but he doesn't and finally the meeting is over because it was killed by snoring.
posted by angrycat at 4:55 PM on March 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


The worst thing on the internet for me are the many poorly constructed headhunter emails I get every day (including Christmas.) They desperately try to entice me to quit my stable permanent full-time job that I like a lot for a six month contract doing four times as much work in Lincoln, Nebraska or Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Let me finish loading all of my family's stuff into a U-Haul and I'll be right there!
posted by double block and bleed at 6:34 PM on March 18, 2015


I was incredulous that GamerGate wasn't included but then saw this exchange in the comments and was satisfied.
posted by valrus at 9:43 PM on March 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


432: The bit where if you have a website, especially something running a popular platform like wordpress, you have to spend inordinate amounts of time and money dealing with "hackers" who want to use your server to send Yet More Spam or tweak search results to try and sell people crap.

146: The bit where when you search for something practical these days virtually 90% or more of the results are sites selling that thing or something similar. "adjust widget sprocket" will get you one result that is achingly similar but not right enough to use from a dilapidated message board from 2004, and 32678 from various shitty internet resellers of Adjust Brand Sleepwear, Widget Adventure Tours, and Sprocket Love Medicine.

654: Whiny middle-aged men on Meta...drat.
posted by maxwelton at 12:03 AM on March 19, 2015


CTRL+F gamergate

hmmmm
posted by Theta States at 9:18 AM on March 19, 2015


valrus: I was incredulous that GamerGate wasn't included but then saw this exchange in the comments and was satisfied.
We want this to be a fair competition. Putting Gamergate in this would be like putting the 1996 Bulls into an elementary school tournament.
LOL
posted by Theta States at 9:24 AM on March 19, 2015 [9 favorites]


"iTunes is like having your hand held by a robot who wants to walk into the ocean and die."

so so true.

But really, they need to add the fact that when I highlight text there is a popup that says "Share your selection with your interweb friends" and that needs to die.
posted by Theta States at 9:28 AM on March 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


The popup-on-highlight is far less annoying than the sites that surreptitiously add crap to your copy buffer.
Read more at http://www.metafilter.com/148075/The-March-Madness-of-Internet-Garbage
posted by Spatch at 11:51 AM on March 19, 2015 [7 favorites]


If anyone is curious, Jon Bois has said that his output has been lower since he's working on a BILL BELICHICK OFFSEASON SIMULATOR video game which looks amazing.
posted by creade at 1:32 PM on March 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


This is the funniest thing I've read all month. Everything is spot on.
posted by sidereal at 1:37 PM on March 19, 2015


Bacon pizza

Totally read that in Matt Braunger's voice.
posted by ostranenie at 9:10 PM on March 19, 2015


rorgy: “Worth it for teaching me about that incredible Plano East-John Tyler 1994 football YouTube video. Man.”
“‘Good Gosh O'Mighty’ – The Comeback,” Sports Center Featured, 12 December 2014
posted by ob1quixote at 12:43 PM on April 3, 2015


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