TedCruz.com
March 23, 2015 1:31 PM   Subscribe

Ted Cruz dot com: A domain name cautionary tale "On March 23rd, Texas Republican senator and Tea Party favorite Ted Cruz announced that he was going to run for president. If you [go] running to his website, tedcruz.com, to see what he had to say you [will be] shocked to see the message, "SUPPORT PRESIDENT OBAMA. IMMIGRATION REFORM NOW!""

And of course, there's also www.tedcruzforamerica.com.

The man himself has had to make due with tedcruz.org.

[via soletstalkabout.tumblr.com]
posted by showbiz_liz (157 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 


That's hysterical.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 1:36 PM on March 23, 2015



posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 1:36 PM on March 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Oh god, someone buy TedCruz.horse and have the tedcruz.com message and a picture of the horse. Like, right now.
posted by dinty_moore at 1:37 PM on March 23, 2015 [31 favorites]


This has made me happy today in a way that the peanut butter chocolate cake failed to do earlier
posted by sio42 at 1:38 PM on March 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


*nelson laugh*
posted by brundlefly at 1:39 PM on March 23, 2015 [11 favorites]




Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

Ok, to try to say something useful: How is this not in the standard playbook for candidates? As in, shouldn't the inability to manage something this simple be an indicator of whether a candidate is ready for prime time?
posted by aureliobuendia at 1:40 PM on March 23, 2015 [33 favorites]


What about tedcruz.wtf?
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:40 PM on March 23, 2015


as far as I can tell, tedcruz.horse is already registered, but there's nothing on the site yet.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 1:40 PM on March 23, 2015


It's probably not as easy now as it was when my kids were born to name them something that would function as a FQDN under 63 characters.
posted by randomkeystrike at 1:41 PM on March 23, 2015


Oh god, someone buy TedCruz.horse and have the tedcruz.com message and a picture of the horse. Like, right now

I would also be pleased if someone purchased horsecruz.ted and put up a picture of a stuffed bear.
posted by Going To Maine at 1:41 PM on March 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


My first thought reading this is that Tea Partiers of the Sarah Palin ilk will see this as an advantage: "He's one of us! Who can never be sure about the internet these days? He don't need no fancy-schmancy college boy 'website' anyhow!"

He's a people's candidate! Not part of the Washington establishment! All these elitists can take a hike! Grassroots!
posted by witchen at 1:42 PM on March 23, 2015


shouldn't the inability to manage something this simple be an indicator of whether a candidate is ready for prime time?

See GWB. On the other hand, see GWB.
posted by Artw at 1:44 PM on March 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


The tedcruz.porn domain name is apparently still available.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 1:46 PM on March 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


This should be playing in the background of TedCruz.com.
posted by johnnydummkopf at 1:46 PM on March 23, 2015


octothorpe: Ted Cruz’s website poses unnecessary security risks for donors

That they'll be losing money? Let’s Be Serious About Ted Cruz From The Start: He’s Too Extreme And Too Disliked To Win (Five Thirty Eight, Mar. 23, 2015)
posted by filthy light thief at 1:47 PM on March 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


By contrast, Taylor Swift has already bought taylorswift.porn to protect her brand.

I know who I'm voting for.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:47 PM on March 23, 2015 [44 favorites]


As in, shouldn't the inability to manage something this simple be an indicator of whether a candidate is ready for prime time?

Short of getting a time machine to 2004, I don't see how this would have been simply managed?

(I'm assuming that Ted Cruz the attorney could not be won over by a wheelbarrow of cash.)
posted by Shmuel510 at 1:48 PM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Damn it, my money was on http://tedcruz2016.com
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 1:49 PM on March 23, 2015


What, no love for the Ted Cruz to the Future - Ted Saves America Coloring Book?
posted by MonkeyToes at 1:49 PM on March 23, 2015


Serious question: does this really matter? If you google "Ted Cruz" or even "tedcruz," tedcruz.com isn't on the first page of results. Does anyone actually look for information on a candidate by typing candidatename.com into the address bar?
posted by googly at 1:50 PM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Just want to say that I'm glad lookatmy.horse and bad.horse are registered and point to what you would expect.
posted by archagon at 1:51 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Let’s Be Serious About Ted Cruz From The Start: He’s Too Extreme And Too Disliked To Win

Plus, y'know, he wasn't born in the U.S. There are some people who really hate that, I'm sure they'll be demanding to see his birth certificate any second now.
posted by XMLicious at 1:52 PM on March 23, 2015 [31 favorites]


I'm still not convinced that Ted Cruz isn't just Will Forte doing a very slight variation of his Tim Calhoun character.
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:55 PM on March 23, 2015 [13 favorites]


>Serious question: does this really matter? If you google "Ted Cruz" or even "tedcruz," tedcruz.com isn't on the first page of results. Does anyone actually look for information on a candidate by typing candidatename.com into the address bar?

Follow up question: How much legal trouble could one get in for selling/distributing bumper stickers with TedCruz.com on them in nice red, white, and blue lettering? What if you did this at campaigning events?
posted by johnnydummkopf at 1:55 PM on March 23, 2015 [14 favorites]


.porn and .adult seem like they are basically extortion on the part of the registries.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 1:56 PM on March 23, 2015 [25 favorites]


What about tedcruz.wtf?

Clicking on the domain owner takes you to a page about Gondolin, "a fictional city in J. R. R. Tolkien's legendarium inhabited by Elves". That's a pretty ok wtf, I think.

tedcruz.horse was registered yesterday, btw. And tedcruz2016.com uses nameservers at threehorsemen.com, which may or may not be one third of the nine horsemen in Tolkien's book.

It all fits together. I should make a YouTube video...
posted by effbot at 1:56 PM on March 23, 2015


filthy light thief, my favorite part of that article is where they show the analysis of each potential candidate's level of conservatism, based on public statements, voting record, and donor backing. Ron Paul and Rand Paul are among the least conservative based on public statements, and are the most conservative based on, you know, reality.

OH MY GOD TEDCRUZ.FORSALE IS AVAILABLE (jebbush.forsale, too!)
posted by duffell at 1:59 PM on March 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


Just want to add, I just googled Ted Cruz and went through three pages of links to find tedcruz.com, and clicked only that link. Doing my bit.
posted by johngumbo at 1:59 PM on March 23, 2015 [24 favorites]


.porn and .adult seem like they are basically extortion on the part of the registries.

.xxx has been around for a while. tedcruz.xxx is registered. No connection to Tolkien what I can see.
posted by effbot at 2:01 PM on March 23, 2015


I guess the .sucks TLD isn't available quite yet...
posted by Foosnark at 2:02 PM on March 23, 2015


Running for president for Cruz is not about winning. It's about raising money and increasing name recognition. Basically is a lucrative branding exercise which makes this domain situation even more amusing.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:02 PM on March 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


Cruz was born in a foreign country, had one foreign parent, and maintained foreign citizenship until adulthood. More than half the people who agree with his positions are on record stating that such a person is ineligible to be president. If people were consistent at all, his candidacy couldn't last more than a week or two.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 2:04 PM on March 23, 2015 [62 favorites]


So yeah obviously our first attempt at putting a sleeper agent in the white house is a bit of a failure, but we'll be back. One way or another we will stop you from using "Oh Canada!" as the headline on every news story that involves us.
posted by Poldo at 2:05 PM on March 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


Ted Cruz was born in Canada. His father is from Cuba. Where is the froth of outrage from the right wing?

/rhetorical

/also, on preview, redundant
posted by Ratio at 2:06 PM on March 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


My first thought reading this is that Tea Partiers of the Sarah Palin ilk will see this as an advantage: "He's one of us! Who can never be sure about the internet these days? He don't need no fancy-schmancy college boy 'website' anyhow!"

He's a people's candidate! Not part of the Washington establishment! All these elitists can take a hike! Grassroots!


The Harvard Law pedigree would probably complicate that position quite a bit.
posted by holborne at 2:07 PM on March 23, 2015


The new federalist position is that it isn't too late to officially designate Canadia the 51st state.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 2:07 PM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


If people were consistent at all,

Lol
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:09 PM on March 23, 2015 [32 favorites]


Cruz was born in a foreign country, had one foreign parent, and maintained foreign citizenship until adulthood

Yeah, but he looks white.
posted by Foosnark at 2:11 PM on March 23, 2015 [16 favorites]


Ah, Ted Cruz. Because every tea party needs a Mad Hatter.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:12 PM on March 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


You'd think, all things considered, Ted Cruz would be more obsessed with securing his Internet borders than he apparently is.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:13 PM on March 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


Serious question: does this really matter?

You're asking the wrong question.

The correct question is: "is this funny?".

The answer is "yes".
posted by escape from the potato planet at 2:20 PM on March 23, 2015 [19 favorites]


I just got a campaign email from Cruz announcing his candidacy. He's using some pretty crappy emails lists if he thinks I'm a potential supporter. Also, it begins, "Dear Gary". My name is not Gary.

Cruz is really knocking it out of the friggin' park when it comes to this internet stuff.
posted by brundlefly at 2:27 PM on March 23, 2015 [37 favorites]


Be serious, Gary
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 2:30 PM on March 23, 2015 [84 favorites]


Let's be real here: To say that I will be shocked to find that Ted Cruz is incapable of doing the first thing of running a modern campaign is totally inaccurate.
posted by ckape at 2:30 PM on March 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Ted Cruz sounds a lot like Tom Cruise. I'm just making connections here.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:30 PM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


That's a typo, brundlefly. It was meant to say "Dear Gray". He's courting the alien vote. Which is kind of ironic, come to think of it.
posted by Nerd of the North at 2:30 PM on March 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Also, it begins, "Dear Gary". My name is not Gary.

He doesn't think your name is Gary; he's hoping your name is, in fact, Indiana, so that he'll say Gary and you'll say Indiana and you'll go back and forth like that a few times, "Gary", "Indiana", "Gary?", "Indiana!" and he can finish off with a smug "...is the place where I am from!" and some jazz hands and you'll be bowled over and that's another vote in the bag. And that's called democracy, Indiana.
posted by cortex at 2:33 PM on March 23, 2015 [37 favorites]


#namedafterthedogjones
posted by clavdivs at 2:48 PM on March 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


I like that tedcruz.com has both mobile and desktop versions. That was nice of Mr. Cruz (the lawyer, not the slimeball).
posted by TedW at 2:50 PM on March 23, 2015


I guess the .sucks TLD isn't available quite yet...

tedcruz.sucks has already been reserved during the early access (probably by the campaign).

But tedcruzreally.sucks is wide open. Have fun.
posted by JoeZydeco at 2:56 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


BoozeCruz.horse
posted by hellojed at 3:01 PM on March 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


Pater Aletheias: If people were consistent at all, his candidacy couldn't last more than a week or two.

If people were consistent, they'd be robots. Or at least, they'd be easier to trap, in which case they would get down-graded from their classification of "most dangerous game" to "not really challenging at all," and pollsters and illegal safari operators would all be out of jobs.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:03 PM on March 23, 2015 [7 favorites]


I have the exact name as a certain former politician from New Jersey. In fact, we have the same graduate degree and our spouses have the same name. I own all of the domains of our shared name and thought it would be funny for a day to make those domains point to his rival's website.

That was until someone asked me "Do you really want to get your fifteen minutes of fame this way?"
posted by 4ster at 3:05 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Ted Cruz was born in Canada. His father is from Cuba. Where is the froth of outrage from the right wing?

I broke a years-long vow today and searched "Ted Cruz Canada" on Free Republic to enjoy the cognitive dissonance. I assure you it was as schadenfreude-y as expected and well worth the trip.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 3:10 PM on March 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


What about tedcruz.wtf?

Clicking on the domain owner takes you to a page about Gondolin, "a fictional city in J. R. R. Tolkien's legendarium inhabited by Elves".


YOU LEAVE GONDOLIN OUT OF THIS, DAMN IT

Also, way to not tip off the forces of darkness about its very existence, guys
posted by clockzero at 3:11 PM on March 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


filthy light thief: "If people were consistent, they'd be robots. Or at least, they'd be easier to trap, in which case they would get down-graded from their classification of "most dangerous game" to "not really challenging at all," and pollsters and illegal safari operators would all be out of jobs."

And Larry Ellison would be bored again.
posted by boo_radley at 3:14 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


(the lawyer, not the slimeball)

Now there's a distinction not often made.
posted by el io at 3:24 PM on March 23, 2015 [15 favorites]


"make due" sounds durty
posted by stevil at 3:27 PM on March 23, 2015


Cruz...maintained foreign citizenship until adulthood.

No, he didn't. When he was a child, he exercised his American citizenship to move to Texas; exercising a foreign citizenship caused you to lose Canadian citizenship prior to 1977. He would have had every reason to believe he had lost his Canadian citizenship, and any attorney he asked would have confirmed that he had. The law was changed in 2009, effectively restoring his Canadian citizenship retroactively, so he then had to renounce it explicitly.

Moreover, he's been a U.S. citizen for his entire life, so he is a natural born citizen. There's a laundry list of reasons Ted Cruz shouldn't be president, but citizenship isn't one of them.
posted by one more dead town's last parade at 3:28 PM on March 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


By contrast, Taylor Swift has already bought taylorswift.porn to protect her brand.

She truly is a mistress of infosec.
posted by drezdn at 3:28 PM on March 23, 2015 [21 favorites]


There's a laundry list of reasons Ted Cruz shouldn't be president, but citizenship isn't one of them.

In addition to being a secret Canadian his funny sounding name indicates he's also a Scientologist.
posted by Artw at 3:33 PM on March 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


"Moreover, he's been a U.S. citizen for his entire life, so he is a natural born citizen. There's a laundry list of reasons Ted Cruz shouldn't be president, but citizenship isn't one of them."

Yes, but that's beside the point. All of us who understand "natural born citizen" to mean what it actually means has no problem with either Obama's or Cruz's eligibility. But the birthers' own (stupid) arguments apply against Cruz and there's no getting around that.

And he's a first-term junior senator (having held no prior elected office, unlike Obama), so that makes him unqualified, too, right?

"The Harvard Law pedigree would probably complicate that position quite a bit."

And Princeton before that.

"Running for president for Cruz is not about winning. It's about raising money and increasing name recognition. Basically is a lucrative branding exercise which makes this domain situation even more amusing."

Yes, but he'll end up screwing the rest of the GOP field. He's going to draw votes away from everyone who isn't Jeb Bush, especially Rick Perry and Marco Rubio, will pull everyone further rightward (which seems hardly possible this time around), and will leave Bush and Scott Walker as the frontrunners. A big portion of the base will rebel against Bush because they're still very angry about Romney; but even if Bush gets the nomination, the whole field will be tainted in the general election for being so far to the right (as Romney was, I think). But I don't think Bush will get the nomination, it will be Walker. And although Walker is actually very far to the right, he's going to look to the general public as pretty unthreatening. Unless Cruz and the rest of the far-right crazies (Cruz, Perry, Carson, Jindal, Huckabee) goad Walker into revealing what's under his mask, as may well happen. (Christie, Pawlenty, and Rand Paul aren't viable at all and I don't think any of them will run.)

Cruz has appeal to the Bachmann-esque Tea Party/Birther true believers in a way that no one else really does, and that's because he's so belligerent -- he really will bring out the very worst in the GOP race. The other crazies will have that influence, too, but not so strongly; and I think that absent Cruz there's a greater chance that either Bush or Walker would get the nomination and run fairly well in the general election. With him, it will most likely be Walker and he'll be more tainted by the process.

And, you're right: Cruz knows that he has zero chance of winning the Presidential election. This is all about him and at the expense of his colleagues and his party and that's so very much his personality. Most of his colleagues and the movers and shakers in the GOP despise Cruz already, and I am certain that they hate him even more today. Which should mean that the primaries will be very ugly. And will just hurt the GOP even more.

It's so him.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 3:41 PM on March 23, 2015 [28 favorites]


And I love every minute of it.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 3:41 PM on March 23, 2015 [14 favorites]


If he doesn't pray to the frozen head of Walt Disney then where is his birth certificate?
posted by Artw at 3:42 PM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


IF HE WAS EVEN BORN THAT IS.
posted by Artw at 3:46 PM on March 23, 2015 [23 favorites]


If people were consistent at all, his candidacy couldn't last more than a week or two.

Oh, they're consistent. They have been consistently racist since a black man was elected president.
posted by Celsius1414 at 4:04 PM on March 23, 2015 [9 favorites]


Cruz knows that he has zero chance of winning the Presidential election.

Does he though? It's so hard to tell these days who the true believers (in their own importance) are and who's just milking it for all it's worth.
posted by TwoWordReview at 4:06 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I broke a years-long vow today and searched "Ted Cruz Canada" on Free Republic to enjoy the cognitive dissonance. I assure you it was as schadenfreude-y as expected and well worth the trip.

Visiting that site always gives me a bad case of soul-pox. Please share.
posted by Ratio at 4:12 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Cruz knows that he has zero chance of winning the Presidential election.

My money is on this all being a bid for veep to bring out the Hispanic vote.
posted by corb at 4:15 PM on March 23, 2015 [3 favorites]




Cruz was born in a foreign country, had one foreign parent, and maintained foreign citizenship until adulthood. More than half the people who agree with his positions are on record stating that such a person is ineligible to be president. If people were consistent at all, his candidacy couldn't last more than a week or two.

But he's not black, so it's all right. Right?
posted by jgaiser at 4:24 PM on March 23, 2015


Ted, if you're reading this, I have your campaign slogan:

Let's put America on Cruz Control

Thanks. That'll be $1. I'll send you an invoice.
posted by Ratio at 4:29 PM on March 23, 2015 [11 favorites]


The law was changed in 2009, effectively restoring his Canadian citizenship retroactively, so he then had to renounce it explicitly.

In 2016, the law will be changed again, restoring citizenship to everyone who doesn't double dog renounce it. In 2022, you will have to swim Lake Ontario to renounce your citizenship, and by 2035, you will have to fight a cage match.

Once a Canadian, always a Canadian.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:37 PM on March 23, 2015 [24 favorites]


Cruise with the Cruz Crew!
posted by box at 4:37 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh, they're consistent. They have been consistently racist since a black man was elected president.


C'mon, now. They were consistently racist long before that ever happened.
posted by nonasuch at 4:37 PM on March 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


Wow, so many things to consider. "Natural born citizen," which isn't even defined. And the tedcruz.com site is too perfect for words!
posted by Pocahontas at 4:38 PM on March 23, 2015


God, can you imagine running for prez if you didn't really want the job? I would rather have my fingernails and nose hairs pulled out.
posted by angrycat at 4:39 PM on March 23, 2015


"Take that, you bumsnacking Republican!"
posted by a lungful of dragon at 4:41 PM on March 23, 2015




I would rather have my fingernails and nose hairs pulled out.

Well, sure, but you're a presumably levelheaded private citizen, not the self-righteously attention-hungry & ego-swollen public figure he is.
posted by psoas at 5:02 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Crew Boos as Clueless Cruz Eschews Booze to Woo Jews
posted by Ratio at 5:05 PM on March 23, 2015 [21 favorites]


I've been trying to figure out what it is about the structure of their facial features that make both Cruz and Jindal look so witless. GWB looked smarter than both of them put together (I'm imagining 2 heads, one body) and even he looked pretty out of his element most of the time.
posted by discopolo at 5:15 PM on March 23, 2015


Uhh can I have any spare Canadian citizenships that are laying around? Since, you know, people are having such a hard time getting rid of them?
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 5:55 PM on March 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


With Jindal it's the crazy cult leader eyes.

With Cruz, it's the jowls and the smile that looks like a snarl, Cheney-like.
posted by leotrotsky at 5:57 PM on March 23, 2015


But Walker is worse than either of them. He looks like the kid in class that eats paste.

That's why he'll never be President. People are shallow that way.
posted by leotrotsky at 5:59 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Haha, from octothrope's link

For some reason, the SSL certificate for tedcruz.org lists nigerian-prince.com as another valid address for Cruz's website. (Update: the Cruz campaign appears to have removed nigerian-prince.com from the certificate around 11am.)

Hello,

I am Ted Cruz, an attorney of law to Charles G. Koch, who is based in the USA, also referred to as my client.

On the 25th of July 2000, my client, his brother, and their two Children died in the Air France concord plane crash bound for New York. They were on their way to a world cruise.

Prior to that accident and since then, I have been managing Mr Koch's properties here in the U.S. A. Some of these properties, at the time of the accident, were already put on sale. I, as his attorney, monitored the sale of the properties, and the depositing of the proceeds into Mr Koch's main offshore bank account. I have contacted you initially to assist me in repatriating the money, and possibly ownership of some of the property left behind by my client; this is to prevent ownership of both reverting to the state. By U.S law, ownership of funds in current bank accounts unattended for six years will automatically revert back to the government treasury. However, the legal procedure to activate this takes about three months, of which there are just about two months left.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating any relatives of my late client in the last six years; and with the bank indicating that they now wish to shortly start the procedure of reversion of ownership of the funds to the state, I now seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. And then you in turn can send me my share of the money. The ratio for the sharing of the funds will be fifty per cent (50%) to me, forty per cent (40%) to you, and ten per cent (10%) for miscellaneous expenses that might arise. I have all the necessary information that will be used to back up any claim we may make..

All I require is your honest co-operation and confidentiality to enable us sees this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Trust me, as Mr Koch's attorney; this is a risk-free transaction. Please send me your full names, address, and your telephone and fax numbers to enable us discuss this matter further, never mind the lack of SSL.

I very much look forward to a swift response from you.

Kindest regards,

Ted Cruz

(what's really scary is I only had to search/replace names in the last 419 email I received)
posted by jamaro at 6:01 PM on March 23, 2015 [11 favorites]


From The Onion: Who is Ted Cruz? An Infographic.
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:45 PM on March 23, 2015




I used to love elections. A quick calculation tells me there's about 596 days until the election. 596 long days of lying liars telling lies with their lying lie holes. God, it feels like a prison sentence.
posted by double block and bleed at 7:03 PM on March 23, 2015 [11 favorites]


Taylor Swift reserved the .porn name because she has a hit counter connected to it that is now powering her fleet of sky bases.
posted by nfalkner at 7:11 PM on March 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


... So you're saying that Taylor Swift, though too young to run, is at this point better prepared to be president than Cruz?
posted by TwoStride at 7:28 PM on March 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


Ted Cruz's campaign logo is an upside down burning American flag.

Someone needs to shop Ted Cruz with his logo as a teardrop tattoo STAT.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:33 PM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Damn it, my money was on http://tedcruz2016.com

I don't get this one. I click on it and first I get a gray screen, and then, eventually, about 5 landscape images of somewhere, that cycle through, but no words, just a black bar a few centimeters above the bottom of the screen.

If I use Safari, am I automatically an effete liberal whose vote Ted Cruz doesn't want? It doesn't work on Chrome for the Mac either. What the hell?
posted by leahwrenn at 7:39 PM on March 23, 2015


I've been trying to figure out what it is about the structure of their facial features that make both Cruz and Jindal look so witless.

It doesn't matter to me that Ted looks like a child molester, or a recent corpse with a weird blood supply in his limo. But since he secretly wants most citizens to justify their existence to his ignorant Tea Party, I think his wolf pedigree is fair game at some point.
posted by Brian B. at 7:43 PM on March 23, 2015


Cruz looks like Elvis the dog, sadly coming to the realization it's bath time.

<bag'o hammers.prez
posted by Oyéah at 7:54 PM on March 23, 2015


I recently tried to explain to the organizers of a local grassroots campaign why they should have a website instead of just a facebook page. I said I couldn't believe they hadn't even registered the domain. "Oh, no" they said, "we have the dot org." I told them they should register the .com, too, because people always assume it's foo.com, so if you can get it, get it. "But we don't want a website. We don't want the opposition to see what we're doing."
It's a forward-thinking strategy. Maybe Cruz is on to something.
posted by Biblio at 8:18 PM on March 23, 2015 [5 favorites]



Let’s Be Serious About Ted Cruz From The Start: He’s Too Extreme And Too Disliked To Win


Of course. It ain't about winning...It's about buying your way into a circus that will make you a crackpot celebrity who can make millions on books and speaking tours and babble your opinion on shitty "news" programs. Most of these parasites don't expect to actually become president.
posted by Liquidwolf at 8:20 PM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


If people were consistent at all

I believe that some of the real birther wackadoodles (like Orly Taitz) are actually willing to say they have some serious reservations about Cruz's eligibility. But it's obviously not going to be an actual issue in the campaign.

There was an op-ed I read somewhere recently which suggested that Cruz ought to participate in a legal challenge to his right to run in order to try to get the Supremes to clear up the constitutional definition of 'natural born' once and for all. There's no chance he would, though.
posted by yoink at 8:21 PM on March 23, 2015


I think Ted Cruz looks like a blobfish. I have had this thought since long before he announced this run. I do not consider myself to be high-minded.
posted by palindromic at 8:25 PM on March 23, 2015 [16 favorites]


I think Ted Cruz looks like a blobfish.

That's a terrible thing to say about something, and really we should be talking about his policies and views and not his... OMG! He totally does!
posted by Artw at 8:31 PM on March 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


A small derail, but if we're noticing weird resemblances, may I bring your attention to Charles Krauthammer and Quentin Massys's Ugly Duchess.
posted by yoink at 8:38 PM on March 23, 2015 [7 favorites]


The guy's policies are distasteful but insults over his appearance are just making you guys look bad. Metafilter should be better than this.
posted by LastOfHisKind at 9:10 PM on March 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


IF HE WAS EVEN BORN THAT IS.

TED CRUZ: PROVE THAT YOU WERE NOT FROM YOUR MOTHER'S WOMB UNTIMELY RIPP'D
posted by NoraReed at 10:10 PM on March 23, 2015 [18 favorites]


No, no, no. Ted Cruz is OBVIOUSLY Grandpa Munster. Which is cool because of Paul Ryan being Eddie Munster and all. The Republican Party is just a cheesy throw-back sitcom at this point. But more scary.
posted by thebrokedown at 10:16 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


The guy's policies are distasteful but insults over his appearance are just making you guys look bad.

He still looks worse.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:17 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


The guy's policies are distasteful but insults over his appearance are just making you guys look bad. Metafilter should be better than this.

basically i think that as soon as some jackass old white dude decides to do whatever he can to shit up the planet's climate, kill poor people by denying basic healthcare, fuck over anyone with a womb who wants a say in what's done to it, make immigration worse, etc, it's pretty much fair game to make fun of how he looks, unless doing so reinforces anyone's oppression on another axis. if we start having problems with blowfish-Americans being taken less seriously by their doctors or something then we can maybe reconsider those jokes but for now if anything brings a bit of levity to a world in which ted cruz is actually running for president because there are actually real human people who think that that is a good idea, shit, i don't see why i should stop them.
posted by NoraReed at 10:18 PM on March 23, 2015 [30 favorites]


Ted Cruz always manages to look like a caricature of himself, which is pretty amazing when you think about it.

And 100% in agreement with NoraReed's point.
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 10:20 PM on March 23, 2015


No, no, no. Ted Cruz is OBVIOUSLY Grandpa Munster.

Squint, and he has sort of a Belushi-esque mien. Per the end of Animal House, Ted Cruz is Senator John "Bluto" Blutarsky.
posted by donatella at 10:36 PM on March 23, 2015


At least they're consistent:

Donald Trump Redirects His Birther Fire At Ted Cruz

"He's got a hurdle that nobody else seems to have at this moment. It's a hurdle and somebody could certainly look at it very seriously. He was born in Canada," Trump said in an interview with myfoxny.com, adding that "you're supposed to be born in this country."
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:44 PM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Cruz is a sentient tumor caused by tar sands-induced mutations in Stephen Harper's bile duct. He sloughed off during Harper's stay in Alberta years ago, gibbered across the border, and never looked back (although he has numerous dorsal eyes nestled among his back hair, they are nonfunctional).
posted by benzenedream at 10:56 PM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


The guy's policies are distasteful but insults over his appearance are just making you guys look bad.

So you're saying this thread is *dons sunglasses*

Cruzin' for a bruzin'?

YYYYYYYYEEEEEAAAAAAAH!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:10 PM on March 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


blowfish-Americans

Blobfish.
posted by Artw at 11:14 PM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Cruz is a sentient

okay stop right there
posted by a lungful of dragon at 11:20 PM on March 23, 2015 [8 favorites]




Has anyone checked to see if RafaelCruz.com is still available? Of course, that guy is polling about 40 points behind "Ted" Cruz with the Republican "base".
posted by dances with hamsters at 4:32 AM on March 24, 2015




RafaelCruz.com belongs to a contemporary realist whose site design aesthetic is soooo last decade. It also looks like it hasn't been updated in a while.

However, the guy seems more trustworthy and less dumb than Ted Cruz.
posted by qcubed at 6:47 AM on March 24, 2015


Squint, and he has sort of a Belushi-esque mien. Per the end of Animal House, Ted Cruz is Senator John "Bluto" Blutarsky.

He resembles Sen. Joe McCarthy, no squint required.
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:10 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


For some reason, the SSL certificate for tedcruz.org lists nigerian-prince.com as another valid address for Cruz's website. (Update: the Cruz campaign appears to have removed nigerian-prince.com from the certificate around 11am.)

It appears that was a CloudFare issue, where they used the same certificate for unrelated domains: Don’t believe tedcruz.org, Ted Cruz is not a Nigerian prince
posted by smackfu at 8:33 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


When he speaks about welfare "takers" perhaps we should also keep in mind his wife who is a managing director at Goldman Sachs which received billions of dollars in taxpayer bailouts. "She serves as regional head of the Houston office in the private wealth-management unit, which serves individuals and families who have on average more than $40 million with the firm."

Cruz also made a big deal about refusing the Obamacare health insurance for which Congress members are eligible. Instead he is on his wife's gold-plated bank insurance plan.
posted by JackFlash at 9:15 AM on March 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


double block and bleed: I used to love elections. A quick calculation tells me there's about 596 days until the election. 596 long days of lying liars telling lies with their lying lie holes. God, it feels like a prison sentence.

Seconded - I was so totally into minute state-by-state and precinct-by-precinct swings in the election that Al Gore won, and that broke my heart. They called Florida, I announced to everyone that it was over, no mathematical way that Bush could win it, and then they took it back. 2004 was worse - it sure looked like you could, in fact, fool enough of the people enough of the time. Then there was the high comedy of Sarah Palin, but by the time we got to Mitt and Dead-Baby-Blue-Eyes the joy was gone.

On the other hand, if things go well, I might get to vote! for the first time! in a US presidential election. Too bad I'll (probably) have to hold my nose to vote for the specific candidate, but I'll take great joy in voting (if I can) against the Walker/Jeb ticket.
posted by RedOrGreen at 9:22 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


NoraReed: "some jackass old white dude"

Well, he's only 44.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:28 AM on March 24, 2015


"Natural born citizen," which isn't even defined.

I think it's phrased that way to avoid adopted children qualifying? It has the kind of flavor of that 'heirs of the body' type language that meant 'If it doesn't come from your genitals, it doesn't count.'
posted by corb at 9:34 AM on March 24, 2015


I think it's just that one must be born a citizen, rather than later becoming one. It's a stupid requirement, but I think straightforward enough.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:20 AM on March 24, 2015


Naw. The inside story -- which you get mostly from Franklin's journals though Madison and Morris sort of talk around the issue -- is that Athena showed up at the convention uninvited and kept bothering everyone with lame inspiration (apparently she later talked to the people writing He-Man) and vaguely hinting that maybe the new US would want the protection of the Aegis and oh yeah I totally have this Aegis right here in my hands. Also her owls kept pooping everywhere and she Would. Not. Stop. comparing everyone unfavorably to Odysseus.

Anyway, remembering her origins, the Framers put the natural-born thing in there to keep her out of the presidency while maintaining some plausible deniability about it.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:27 AM on March 24, 2015 [9 favorites]


After Citizens United v FEC, the whole natural-born clause thing is moot, anyway. Some foreign entity can now easily buy a politician — anonymously — to get whatever laws or policies or influence they need.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:56 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


I think it's just that one must be born a citizen, rather than later becoming one.

That, and it's "natural born," as opposed to "native born," meaning that one was not required to have been born on U.S. soil (thus, Ted Cruz is not disqualified on this basis).
posted by ogooglebar at 10:56 AM on March 24, 2015


Good Lord, he does look like Tail-Gunner Joe! The older I get the more I understand Nietzsche's fear and hatred of the Myth of the Eternal Return.
posted by Chitownfats at 12:04 PM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Ted Cruz going on Obamacare.
posted by Justinian at 2:08 PM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


I now own TedCruzforpresident.ninja, and I couldn't be happier.
posted by bradth27 at 2:08 PM on March 24, 2015 [6 favorites]


I now own TedCruzforpresident.ninja, and I couldn't be happier.

For fans of Ted Cruz and the Insane Clown Posse.
posted by drezdn at 2:44 PM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


He resembles Sen. Joe McCarthy, no squint required.

Joe or Ted. It's the hair and the scowl.
posted by jjj606 at 3:02 PM on March 24, 2015


> Good Lord, he does look like Tail-Gunner Joe! The older I get the more I understand Nietzsche's fear and hatred of the Myth of the Eternal Return.

You'll be even more unhappy when you realize that Scott Walker is Richard Nixon.
posted by benito.strauss at 3:27 PM on March 24, 2015


Hey, don't talk about Nixon like that.
posted by corb at 3:34 PM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


No no, Cruz looks like Buddy Garrity. Except I'd still take Buddy's financial ineptitude over anything Cruz is proposing.
posted by TwoStride at 3:36 PM on March 24, 2015




"Music is interesting," he said. "I grew up listening to classic rock, and I'll tell you sort of an odd story: My music taste changed on 9/11. And it's very strange. I actually intellectually find this very curious. But on 9/11, I didn't like how rock music responded. And country music collectively, the way they responded, it resonated with me.

This is a lie.
posted by brundlefly at 5:23 PM on March 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


And country music collectively, the way they responded, it resonated with me.


Did they ask him to name some songs that he likes... If not, it feels like it could have been an "All of them, Katie" moment.
posted by drezdn at 5:31 PM on March 24, 2015 [4 favorites]


The senator did not expound on which classic rock artists lost him or which country artists he has become a fan of over the past 14 years.

I'm just going to go out on a limb and assume not the Dixie Chicks.
posted by gatorae at 5:36 PM on March 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


Jon Chait, After 9/11, True Patriot Ted Cruz Sacrificed His Love of Rock Music for America and the Republican Party, New York Magazine
And here is where Cruz’s musical conversion reveals something interesting about his character. Raised by a militant conservative for a career in political activism, Cruz initially channeled his ambitions through formal education, which bred an intense intellectual snobbery. People who knew him recall Cruz asking them about their IQ and refusing to study in grad school with anybody who didn’t attend Harvard, Yale, or Princeton (a cutoff that only a Princeton grad would define).
posted by the man of twists and turns at 6:32 PM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Once a Canadian, always a Canadian.

He can renounce us all he likes, but there's a true test. Is he aware of the chances of the Maple Leafs making the playoffs? That is the question you need to ask, and if he says something like "I don't know what your talking aboot, eh?" you will have the truth.
posted by nubs at 7:11 PM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


I did here this one country track stuffed full of 9/11 samples that was the most mawkish, emotionally manipulative, and just offensive and dumb thing I've ever heard. Maybe he's responding to that and "rock" disappointed him by not doing the same?
posted by Artw at 7:35 PM on March 24, 2015


I am Ted
posted by blueberry at 8:36 PM on March 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


NoraReed: "some jackass old white dude"

"Well, he's only 44."

MY GOD, TED MISSED CAROUSEL!
posted by clavdivs at 9:22 PM on March 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Once a Canadian, always a Canadian.

Yell "hurry hard" at him and see if he starts making involuntary sweeping motions.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 12:05 AM on March 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


  1. Does "natural born" preclude candidates born via cæsarian section?
  2. If there's anything I've learned by following the presidential primaries, it's that the early leader crashes early and that (unlike in Kremlinology of yore) the "dark horse" candidate was never that surprising after all in the end.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 12:42 AM on March 25, 2015


Kenneth Walsh plays Cruz in the horror classic, "Muhaha, Eh?"
posted by clavdivs at 12:56 AM on March 25, 2015


Ted Cruz going on Obamacare.

Not so fast...
posted by TedW at 6:28 AM on March 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm just going to go out on a limb and assume not the Dixie Chicks.

Or Steve Earle. Or Emmylou Harris. Or Willie Nelson. Or K.D. Lang. Or Dolly Parton. Or Kris Kristofferson. Or Kinky Friedman.

I don't have any reason to doubt Cruz's statement, but I think what he's really getting at here is how Top 40 country fully embraced knee-jerk "stick-a-boot-up-yer-ass"/"not-a-rag-it's-a-flag" nationalism post 9/11, whereas mainstream rock ran the full gamut from cod patriotic grandstanding (oh hai Bono) to wry political commentary to heated protest to twee indifference. Since conservatives see any variation in opinion as a sign of weakness, the uniformity of popular country has a definite appeal.
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:46 AM on March 25, 2015 [5 favorites]


I'm just going to go out on a limb and assume not the Dixie Chicks.

Or Steve Earle.


That's my cue: Steve Earle, "Little Emperor," a 2011 kiss-off to W.:

Hey little Emperor, come down from your throne
The hourglass is empty, your time has come and gone
The battlements are crumblin the walls are tumblin down
Your counselors and concubines are getting out of town...
posted by MonkeyToes at 10:27 AM on March 25, 2015


Is he aware of the chances of the Maple Leafs making the playoffs?

Involuntarily laughing uncontrollably at hearing 'Maple Leafs' and 'Playoffs' in the same sentence would also be a pretty strong indicator this year.
posted by TwoWordReview at 1:32 PM on March 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh wow, The Onion stories linked here are so popular that they've got triple-digit shares on Google+
posted by Pronoiac at 3:40 PM on March 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Candidate Ted Cruz’s comment likening climate change activists to ‘flat-Earthers’ begins election in which scientists suggest issue may receive much higher billing than before

1. these are pretty horrifying views and Republicans trying to one up each other on this shit may be what dooms the human race.
2. WTF face.
posted by Artw at 6:23 AM on March 27, 2015 [1 favorite]






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