faves on metafilter tbh
April 7, 2015 12:50 PM   Subscribe

 
Well, at least they're accurate for the most part.
posted by Melismata at 12:52 PM on April 7, 2015


(I will be so irritated if "slinkies and gelatin" turn out to be drug slang I'm unfamiliar with, rather than just an inspired piece of stoner surrealism.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:54 PM on April 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


"Kale salad" is blah, but "Kale salad thanks" is amazing for some reason.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:56 PM on April 7, 2015 [19 favorites]


Based on the stoners I know, I'm kind of surprised there aren't more "eed-way" type answers.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:57 PM on April 7, 2015


Sexxxx

Crap, crap crap crap, can't say drugs, the purchase and sale of drugs is illegal. Oh wait, I know what I'll put!
posted by phunniemee at 12:58 PM on April 7, 2015 [17 favorites]


"Deep tissue massage" has been my go-to memo note on random personal checks for quite awhile now. This list inspires me to branch out.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 1:01 PM on April 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


Baby over rice.

Henceforth, anyone who questions my usage of 'baby over rice' will be met with either a look of derision, or that of jaw dropping aghast-ness. I'm gonna make this happen, guys...
posted by furnace.heart at 1:02 PM on April 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


go-to memo note on random personal checks

Banks probably think I have infinity kidneys.
posted by phunniemee at 1:02 PM on April 7, 2015 [8 favorites]


I am ashamed for my generation. Do you even know how many of the crack commandments you're breaking.
posted by Going To Maine at 1:02 PM on April 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Two. It's two.
posted by Going To Maine at 1:04 PM on April 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


"He had a rule, one student told Capital: 'The description has to be funny.'"

Are they sure they got the right guy?
posted by a manly man person who is male and masculine at 1:05 PM on April 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


Shenanigans is the best word for everything. EVERYTHING!
posted by blurker at 1:09 PM on April 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


nthing baby over rice ... there's a sock puppet username if ever you needed one.
posted by chavenet at 1:11 PM on April 7, 2015


Halal

I'm pretty sure weed is not halal.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:12 PM on April 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


For your continued silence
posted by ckape at 1:18 PM on April 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


You can buy drugs with euphemisms now?
posted by demiurge at 1:19 PM on April 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


I usually get waaaay more descriptive. Like, "a half-ounce of weed for personal consumption." Just so there's no surprise, like the dude brings me a can of specially-processed spinach or something.
posted by not_on_display at 1:20 PM on April 7, 2015


HOMER'S BRAIN: Money can be exchanged for goods, services, or euphemisms!
posted by infinitewindow at 1:20 PM on April 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I went to a university with a HUGE drug/party culture, particularly centered in the campus fraternities. I had several friends (all men) who dealt drugs and, when Venmo first came into widespread use, the euphamistic "good times" was their go-to caption.

UPD got to them within a month.

I'm not sure how I feel about the app. I think it encourages a particular type of person to further exploit their lives and put themselves on display. I kind of grimace when I see my friends link their Venmo action to be posted on Facebook.

I can't help but think, "Why the actual fuck?"

It's all so bizarre.
posted by ourt at 1:21 PM on April 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why in god's name would a drug dealer use Venmo anyway? Cash, dude. CASH.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:21 PM on April 7, 2015 [8 favorites]


I'm honestly flabbergasted that anyone thought it was a good idea to sell illegal drugs and accept payment over any payment processing system. I mean, yeah, I see the benefits over cash, sure. Cash is a freaking hassle, no doubt. But cash is basically made for situations where you don't want the transaction traced!

What's he doing, cashing out his Venmo to a bank account so he can pay his supplier? Does his supplier take Venmo?
posted by muddgirl at 1:23 PM on April 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


According to this parallel analysis of emoji, more people pay others for poop than for hamburgers on Venmo.
posted by kiltedtaco at 1:28 PM on April 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


Why in god's name would a drug dealer use Venmo anyway? Cash, dude. CASH.

I work on a college campus. Literally no student here ever ever ever carries any cash for any reason. They have their card, their phone, and their ID. And that's all.
posted by anastasiav at 1:28 PM on April 7, 2015 [8 favorites]


Some people bring slinkies and gelatin when they're hiking the appalachian trail.
posted by Smedleyman at 1:35 PM on April 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


According to this parallel analysis of emoji, more people pay others for poop than for hamburgers on Venmo.

Also relevant: 🎱 peaks at 2 AM.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:39 PM on April 7, 2015 [10 favorites]


Ask your "doctor" if Venmo is right for you.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:42 PM on April 7, 2015


They have their card, their phone, and their ID. And that's all.

I have the same memory. There was only ever one reason to have cash, and this was it. Because students at my school were not freaking idiots. Would you pay your dealer in personal checks? No? Then why is this a better idea?

Although TBH I think if you told my classmates that they could now use meal points to buy K, they would've been all for it.
posted by 1adam12 at 1:44 PM on April 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


I always wondered if dealers would accept meal points via the universally-accepted commodity of Monster Energy beverages.
posted by muddgirl at 1:45 PM on April 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


In a meta-post awesome coincidence, the FPP that followed this thread includes the phrase "kale salad" in the subject.

Well done.
posted by Walleye at 1:46 PM on April 7, 2015 [7 favorites]


I wonder how accurately a Bayesian classifier could detect probable drug dealers if trained with this data set and the transaction logs of several confirmed non-drug-dealers. I suspect that, given the frivolity inherent in getting high, encouraging drug purchasers to be more circumspect in their transaction descriptions may be an uphill battle, meaning that, with a bit of basic statistical learning, law enforcement would be able to pick 'em off from a mile away.
posted by acb at 1:49 PM on April 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


Oooh... somebody's about to get audited...
posted by Navelgazer at 1:55 PM on April 7, 2015


Excuse me, kind sir. I would like to buy some bonobos.
posted by readymade at 1:58 PM on April 7, 2015


Ridiculous lack of "tutoring."
posted by rhizome at 1:58 PM on April 7, 2015 [18 favorites]


Also, is anyone else amused by the mental image of tons of suddenly-light Columbia students timidly venturing out into Washington Square?
posted by Navelgazer at 1:59 PM on April 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm going to go with "Hawaiian Cosplay." So if you've got a hula, hit me up, I'm pretty light on the kalo.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:05 PM on April 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Of course, people I know jokingly put "drugs" as the description when it's really because the person bought them a kale salad when they forgot their credit card at lunchtime.
posted by gatorae at 2:05 PM on April 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


Venmo is a 3% charge to the transferor.

I told my college age son he can wait for the popmoney deposit. THEN go buy me the Santorums.
posted by surplus at 2:15 PM on April 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


Thirty years ago I worked for an "alternative weekly." Everyone bought from the same guy. When we were running dry, we'd run a classified ad for something called the "underwater breathers' club" and the guy would soon show up at the office, where he'd head for the darkroom. One by one staff members would go in the darkroom to buy weed. Very efficient, though I did on occasion have to answer questions about underwater breathing.
posted by kinnakeet at 2:18 PM on April 7, 2015 [26 favorites]


I told my college age son he can wait for the popmoney deposit. THEN go buy me the Santorums.

Sick, dude
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 2:24 PM on April 7, 2015


Kinnakeet, if the Lone Gunmen sold weed that would be exactly how they'd operate.
posted by aloiv2 at 2:29 PM on April 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


He should have read "Wiseguy", where it is explained how this never works
posted by thelonius at 2:38 PM on April 7, 2015


back in my hometown we knew a guy who sold weed while working at a gas station. You could buy it with your credit card. Probably put him and some customers at some risk if they ever got audited.

This guy was weird though. One time he told me about this great "scam" he discovered--he would go out to a strawberry field after the dudes from the roadside stand went home, pick strawberries for hours, and then sell them at the stand. I tried to explain to him that most scams don't involve doing pretty strenuous physical labor for next to no money, but whatever. This guy loved to hustle so much he would do it for practically nothing.
posted by Hoopo at 3:41 PM on April 7, 2015 [17 favorites]


Great Middle-Class Logistical Systems I Have Obviously Never Personally Known:

1. Tne Motorcycle Courier. Noted in a prosperous Northern city (rhymes with Cattlesfield.) You ring a number and leave a message. Some time afterwards, a biker with a walkie-talkie and a courier bag shows up at your office front desk with a package for you which, naturally, the receptionist signs for. Perfectly normal. Almost.

2. The Installation Artist. They did a world tour with an installation, which involved an amount of scaffolding, lighting rigs, and so on. The installation was built up in the artist's studio, then torn down by riggers and roadies and transported to each venue in turn. Before the tear-down, the artist stuffed the rigging with merch. At appropriate points during the tour, deposits and/or additions were made, but never by anyone with any responsibility for transportation. (A variation on the 'speaker stack', but much posher)

3. The Dinner Party. A regular North London social occasion, where everyone (of course) brings a bottle and enjoys the company of like-minded socialites - judges, politicians, journalists, professors, et al - under the benign gaze of the hostess, herself a noted and very well-connected editor. Everyone finds the evening fortifying and leaves equipped and recharged for the weeks ahead before their next soiree.

4. The Press Event. "Hey, mate, here's that blim I owe you". By all means leaven the boredom of the droning PR by popping a leetle lumpette of the squaishy black hash into your mouth. Just check it isn't opiated first. Otherwise it may be a longer walk home than you expected.


I am led to understand that nobody ever associated with any of these activities was ever Brought To Justice. Because, such activities being middle-class and prosperous. they never happened.
posted by Devonian at 4:25 PM on April 7, 2015 [6 favorites]


I work on a college campus. Literally no student here ever ever ever carries any cash for any reason. They have their card, their phone, and their ID. And that's all.
posted by anastasiav at 1:28 PM on April 7


So I really am old now, aren't I?
posted by yesster at 5:10 PM on April 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Some of these data are skewed by messages containing a lot of emoji. The “pile of poop” emoji only holds the top spot in the midnight hour because a single payment used it 1,116 times.

my hero
posted by NoraReed at 6:16 PM on April 7, 2015 [6 favorites]


Devonian, what percentage of the these systems involve deceiving innocent third parties (the receptionist, those with "responsibility for transportation") into receiving or transporting controlled substances?

Geez, folks. Do what you want to your own brain and body. But when you start putting other people at risk without telling them, you're just confirming everyones's prejudices about "druggies"
posted by CHoldredge at 6:18 PM on April 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


This is hilarious, but I'm also just sort of blown away by what an astoundingly terrible idea Venmo is. Seriously? It's a service for sending money to people, and everything you do is public by default? Seriously?
posted by moss at 6:34 PM on April 7, 2015 [6 favorites]


I used to buy "maple bars" (Xanax bars) off of other employees at an old retail job when I ran out of my own.

I don't know why I thought "maple bars" sounded inconspicuous.
posted by Redfield at 7:03 PM on April 7, 2015


Devonian, what percentage of the these systems involve deceiving innocent third parties (the receptionist, those with "responsibility for transportation") into receiving or transporting controlled substances?

Um, 25 percent, being the roadie one and that's it? It would be difficult to pin anything on the receptionist even if you were trying, since the package is addressed to you.
posted by atoxyl at 7:38 PM on April 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I remember there was a story a few years ago about a guy selling weed out of KFC, where the passphrase for it was "extra biscuits." Since then, I've always been tempted to ask for that wherever I go.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 9:05 PM on April 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


That's actually a sort of brilliant passphrase because no actual non-weed-buying customer is going to utter it. Like, there is nobody whose order at KFC is "Please give me a high but arbitrary number of biscuits. I do not care how many I get so long as there are more of them than normal."
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:22 PM on April 7, 2015 [14 favorites]


I wonder how accurately a Bayesian classifier could detect probable drug dealers if trained with this data set and the transaction logs of several confirmed non-drug-dealers. I suspect that, given the frivolity inherent in getting high, encouraging drug purchasers to be more circumspect in their transaction descriptions may be an uphill battle, meaning that, with a bit of basic statistical learning, law enforcement would be able to pick 'em off from a mile away.


I think if you can do network analysis, it must be extremely easy. (Do you need to be Facebook friends to look at this activity?)

First pass, eliminate everyone who doesn't have more than a few transaction partners. Dealers should be hubs who transact with (in fact, receive payments from) a wide range of people.

Second pass, do you even need to do a second pass? Probably you can just physically investigate everyone who gets through the first pass. But if there's too many, you can "weed" 'em out with word frequencies, frequency of transactions, etc.

Finding a legal basis to investigate might be harder than identifying your suspects. But for suspects in university housing, you may not need any particularized suspicion to go through all their shit.

This is sort of a depressing application, though. Maybe a nicer way to think of it is, now you can identify potential connections without having to use word of mouth.
posted by grobstein at 10:24 PM on April 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


This thread is missing the best part of the story; it turns out using Venmo wasn't even close to the stupidest thing here. The idiot drug dealer actually wrote an "anonymous" op-ed bragging about his profession in the student newspaper:

Weed, edibles, MDMA, coke—I have sold all of these over the past week, in staggering amounts. Several hundred students (and I would call that a conservative estimate) will be smoking my weed this Saturday. There will be more than 100 students rolling on MDMA, thanks to me alone...

I am so happy knowing that at Bacchanal a large portion of all the fun will be thanks to me. I’ve always been less interested in selling “study drugs” like Adderall and Ritalin, even though there is a huge, thirsty market for those here—there’s already enough of a stress culture surrounding academics. Fighting that stress culture, making sure that people are able to smoke a fat joint after being in Butler all day—that’s what has sustained me for so long.


He was quickly identified by other students on social media and arrested two days later.
posted by mediareport at 3:16 AM on April 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


This guy is one of the stupidest drug dealers I've ever heard of. Please. Yes, he should have required his codes to be consistent and rational. Tutoring. Or whatever cover occupation he might come up with. His arrogance is what gets him a record forever. If he was my son I'd smack him one for being a dolt. (Not really. But really.)
posted by RedEmma at 7:08 AM on April 8, 2015 [1 favorite]




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