What's the clitoris again?
April 11, 2015 6:07 PM   Subscribe

 
Yikes. I hope this isn't representative.
posted by johnnydummkopf at 6:13 PM on April 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


These people are stupid and ignorant.

On preview yes, please not representative of men and women. I haven't watched the tampons video.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 6:16 PM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]




I'm not sure straight men trying to explain tampons would be much more successful.
posted by Paul Slade at 6:30 PM on April 11, 2015 [9 favorites]


Would the men who had, at some time, been forced by their wives/gfs to go out and buy tampons know any more? (this is where we go a little too deeply into gender stereotypes...)
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:35 PM on April 11, 2015


Would the men who had, at some time, been forced by their wives/gfs to go out and buy tampons know any more?

Nope. I just bought everything that looked slightly different from the box next to it. I did not wish to fail, so I bought a huge shopping bag of possibilities. I was laughed at, but apparently one of my picks was useable.
posted by cccorlew at 6:45 PM on April 11, 2015 [3 favorites]


Really surprised at the lack of knowledge across the board. Do men really not know what and where the urethra is? I grew up with a nurse for a mum, so learned about every possible body organ and their functions - in graphic detail - at a young age.
posted by greenhornet at 6:47 PM on April 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


I know the anatomy reasonably well, but I'm sure I'd flub all the answers with a camera in my face. Some of those people didn't seem like they should be allowed near their own body, much less someone else's, however.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:47 PM on April 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


It is perhaps worth noting that I, for one, literally never learned about the female urinary system or anything further out than the vaginal opening (i.e. no labia, no clit, no urethra, no vaginal opening or discussion of hymens) in K12 health or sex ed. I am.... somehow not particularly surprised at how many people do not know that women don't pee out of the vagina.
posted by sciatrix at 6:50 PM on April 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


Would the men who had, at some time, been forced by their wives/gfs to go out and buy tampons

Why do men have to be forced to do this? I kind of assumed that stocking up on these things was a basic function of hospitality if you are going to invite women over at all. Do you not stock your bathroom with toilet paper for instance?
posted by BrotherCaine at 6:55 PM on April 11, 2015 [25 favorites]


There are plenty of people who don't understand their own anatomy. I had a girlfriend once who made a comment in passing about when "I'm old and don't have a uterus anymore." I asked what she meant, and she explained that menopause began when the uterus, having outlived its usefulness, dissolved. This would be a woman's final period. I asked where she learned that, and she said an older friend described herself once as "an old woman who hasn't had a uterus in years." Based on that, she had drawn some conclusions. It was quite a revelation to her when I explained that her friend must have had a hysterectomy.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 7:01 PM on April 11, 2015 [21 favorites]


(My girlfriend, by the way, was a 26 year old in graduate school.)
posted by Pater Aletheias at 7:02 PM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]


"A clitoris that's just like, working really hard", hahahaha, she wins
posted by en forme de poire at 7:02 PM on April 11, 2015 [9 favorites]


I kind of assumed that stocking up on these things was a basic function of hospitality if you are going to invite women over at all. Do you not stock your bathroom with toilet paper for instance?

Are there actually single men who keep their bathrooms stocked with menstrual products? I never thought to when I was single, but then I didn't keep spare toothbrushes either, which in retrospect would have been polite.

I can remember being sent to the store by my mother to buy tampons, to my great embarrassment at the time. These days there is no embarrassment, but the sheer profusion of alternatives makes it really hard to buy the right ones.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:03 PM on April 11, 2015


also, there does indeed appear to be a version where men explain the penis. They do at best a marginally better job.
posted by en forme de poire at 7:09 PM on April 11, 2015


did no one take health class? i was on drugs throughout high school and even i remember all of that. the one person who seemed to really know anything was the black lady in the penis video because she identified the best part of the penis and knew where the vas deferens was.

i have not slept with a woman in 20 something years and even i know where a clitoris is and what to do with it, to a certain point, since all women are different and like different things.
posted by Conrad-Casserole at 7:10 PM on April 11, 2015 [5 favorites]


When I was single, I did try to keep a stock on hand. I didn't worry much about the variety, I figure women who aren't already carrying tampons or pads are happy just to have something on hand even if it's not their favorite product.
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:10 PM on April 11, 2015 [6 favorites]


What's the big deal? I've bought tampons/pads, and before we all had cell phones, I've made judgement calls on what would work because the preferred model wasn't available.

It's a thing. I'm picky about lots of things, I get why you want *exactly that tampon.* Never buy me socks and underwear, because you don't know what I will wear.

Seriously. It's a thing. If she asks you to buy a thing, buy it. If they're out, call her. If you can't reach her, look at what she wanted and make a judgement call, and say "they were out, I tried to reach you, I got you this in case it's critical, where else can I look to get exactly that?"

It's not hard. Seriously guys, it's not. And if you try? That will make all the difference. She'll put the rest in guest bathroom for others who get caught out. So no worries there.

But if you can't handle periods and the things used to deal with them, you are quite simply not able to have a relationship with a female who menstruates. Which, if you bother to look, covers a lot of them.

So, guys? Cope. They have to. Every month. You can go to store once in a while.
posted by eriko at 7:11 PM on April 11, 2015 [35 favorites]


My (ex-) wife sent me out to buy Maxi-Pads once while we were in Paris. I popped into a small local pharmacie expecting to find boxes on the shelf as in an American drugstore. There were none. My decades-old, junior-high French did not prepare me for this situation, and the male pharmacien (whose English was about the same caliber as my French) and I spent several minutes in an amusing game of charades while I tried to mime "down there", "wings", "blood", etc. We finally figured it out, and had a good laugh.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 7:14 PM on April 11, 2015 [17 favorites]


These days there is no embarrassment, but the sheer profusion of alternatives makes it really hard to buy the right ones.

Nowadays one can take a photo of the box at home to be sure to get the right one.

As a grown-ass man, pretty much the only time I have embarrassment picking up menstrual products is when they're for the dogs and I'm standing in front of the pantiliners doing mental math to figure out which has the cheapest unit price and obviously buying the cheapest most off-brand thing they have. OTOH, this is balanced by the knowledge that if someone notices it, I can truthfully reply that she hates all of them and mostly I wish she wouldn't try to eat them.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:15 PM on April 11, 2015 [55 favorites]


And remember, men: tampons are also great for gunshot wounds! That's hella manly, right?
posted by mikurski at 7:16 PM on April 11, 2015 [9 favorites]


Are there actually single men who keep their bathrooms stocked with menstrual products?

This seems like a not-so-great idea, even though the intention is kind. Women are pretty particular about their preferred menstrual products, and if you don't know Tampax from Kotex you run the risk of stocking crappy stuff. Not to mention women on their periods are already carrying backup tampons/pads with them, so unless a woman starts her period at your house and is surprised and unprepared, you probably won't run into any tampon emergencies.

And, truthfully, if I saw a box of tampons in a single guy's bathroom, I'd assume that either they belonged to a recent ex or that the guy was such a player that there was a demand for tampons.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:19 PM on April 11, 2015 [17 favorites]


I spent several minutes in an amusing game of charades while I tried to mime "down there", "wings", "blood", etc. We finally figured it out, and had a good laugh.

I have had similar hilarrible parisian/provencal experiences in which le sang was confused with le singe.
posted by poffin boffin at 7:22 PM on April 11, 2015 [9 favorites]


It's when a single guy keeps monkey pads in his bathroom you have to start worrying.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 7:36 PM on April 11, 2015 [7 favorites]


I kept saying "pink tubes? IT'S THE VAS DEFERENS!" Then was like, damn people... And that guy "pee goes out of the vagina" DUDE SERIOUSLY? I mean, I guess. Maybe it's cuz I hang out with women, I dunno. But it's not like if you just take a couple seconds, you can literally SEE the urethra before going down on a woman. Though - maybe that guy was gay who said that? Still.

That said, when the guy pointed out that the vas deferens is what they snip for the VASectomy, I was like - I NEVER REALIZED THAT! It made so much sense linguistically (and biologically) but I guess I never put the two together.
posted by symbioid at 8:11 PM on April 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


One of the very first times I ever got my period, I was home alone with my dad for the weekend. It was heavy and painful and, of course, we were out of pads. My dad had to go to the store but I didn't really know how to instruct him about what to buy, so I was in a bit of distress and totally embarrassed, kind of wishing my mom was home instead.
My poor dad came back with bags full of every single box of everything that the drugstore had, a panicked expression on his face, saying, "I didn't know which one would be the best one! I hope one of them is okay!"
It was hilarious, but I still remember that moment because it made clear to me early on that guys shouldn't be embarrassed or demeaned by buying tampons or otherwise acknowledging the fact that I menstruate. It's a good standard to live by as an adult woman.
(Good job, dad.)
posted by bookgirl18 at 8:14 PM on April 11, 2015 [45 favorites]


Your dad is the best, bookgirl18.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:25 PM on April 11, 2015 [4 favorites]


There is indeed a vast difference (heh) between the clitoris (spellcheck substituted Clinton there) and urethra etc. just last week there was a big reddit post in which waaaaaay too many women expressed surprise that they didn't need to remove their tampon to pee. They thought they urinated out of their vaginas. GO USA SEX ED!
posted by futz at 8:28 PM on April 11, 2015 [4 favorites]


A woman I know who is a college professor informed me that the majority of her students, male and female, did not know the location of the clitoris. I found it hard to believe but she insisted it was so.
posted by alms at 8:32 PM on April 11, 2015


too many women expressed surprise that they didn't need to remove their tampon to pee

Why would you leave it in, though? I mean, I will if necessary because of lack of supplies, but I've found that the tampon string then acts as a wick, causing the exterior end of the tampon to get infused with urine. And that's both unpleasant and decreases the volume available for the tampon to soak up blood.

Or perhaps I'm just unlucky, and other women's anatomy somehow prevents this problem.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:06 PM on April 11, 2015 [5 favorites]


ocherdraco, I can't believe I'm typing this, but when you hold the string upward/out/to the side adequately, it absolutely does not do that. (And you would leave it in because if you're removing it every single time you urinate, you're either not urinating often enough (go hydrate!) or you're (sometimes) changing tampons way too often.)

And I have to admit, although I'm a 36+ year veteran at this general topic, I wouldn't have known any more about the Diva cup than those men.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 9:15 PM on April 11, 2015 [4 favorites]


I can remember being sent to the store by my mother to buy tampons, to my great embarrassment at the time. These days there is no embarrassment, but the sheer profusion of alternatives makes it really hard to buy the right ones.

I found myself in dire straits the other day, Ma Nature was busy kicking my ass up over my head, and I ran out of tampons. Elder Monster was out running errands, so I took a pic of the empty box and sent it to him with the note "Red in tooth and claw, indeed. Nab some, please?"

He came back with tampons and Bourbon. He's a good kid.
posted by MissySedai at 9:19 PM on April 11, 2015 [15 favorites]


nope, holding it to the side only results in pee going down the string and onto my hand. the only way to avoid stringpee is to cut the string off or just jam it up along with the tampon itself, which i dislike because it involves a lot more exploration to remove and too many public restrooms don't have soap for pre-spelunking handwashing.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:26 PM on April 11, 2015 [4 favorites]


haha you suckers all still have uteruses
posted by poffin boffin at 9:26 PM on April 11, 2015 [6 favorites]


I ask in all sincerity - what DOES an erection feel like?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:29 PM on April 11, 2015 [3 favorites]


Is it just me of were the women a bit more tentative about actually touching the penis when describing?
posted by TheLittlePrince at 9:31 PM on April 11, 2015


I kind of assumed that stocking up on these things was a basic function of hospitality if you are going to invite women over at all.


I know others objected upthread, but no, that is incredibly and uncommonly thoughtful of you.

In my experience, single men sometimes don't even bother to have toilet paper on hand.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:31 PM on April 11, 2015 [8 favorites]


Which raised a lot of questions for me about male anatomy and/or hygeine, I tell you what.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:32 PM on April 11, 2015 [8 favorites]


One girl says something like, "I think the gooch [might be the most sensitive part]?"

GOOCH?
What the whooping funt is a GOOCH?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 9:50 PM on April 11, 2015 [4 favorites]


A woman I know who is a college professor informed me that the majority of her students, male and female, did not know the location of the clitoris

The "clitoris is hard / impossible to find" is one of several vulva/vagina things I realized almost immediately was a basically Santa level bizarre and indefensible lie when I actually had an opportunity to check. Why do films / sitcoms / teenagers / mainstream comedians insist this is a thing?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:54 PM on April 11, 2015 [3 favorites]


I have never understood that trope of clitoris being hard to find.

I had heard a lot about it and I think I was a bit disappointed when I found it to be right there, front and center.

I was even worried for a while if I had mistaken something else for a clitoris.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 9:58 PM on April 11, 2015 [11 favorites]



GOOCH?
What the whooping funt is a GOOCH?


Gooch = taint. People jumping when it is touched might be less about its sensitivity than about the dangerously close proximity to the pooper.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:01 PM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]


"The clitoris is hard to find" seems like an artifact from a sexual culture where men absolutely do not touch anything below a woman's navel with anything but their wang and it's the woman's responsibility to make sure that it isn't getting shoved up their butthole.
posted by murphy slaw at 10:02 PM on April 11, 2015 [11 favorites]


EmpressCallipygos: "I ask in all sincerity - what DOES an erection feel like?"

I can only speak for myself, but, to me, it feels like an extreme need to find a woman who has a vaginal need for my erect penis. That's almost never an option for me, so other measures have to suffice.
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 10:02 PM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]


InsertNiftyNameHere: "other measures have to suffice."

I feel I need to clarify and say that these measures harm no one and involve solo behavior, so it's not like I go stalking women. (It's a sad commentary on US life that I even have to mention this.)
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 10:07 PM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]


vast difference

Lulz! This made my hour, at least.
posted by busted_crayons at 10:46 PM on April 11, 2015 [1 favorite]


EmpressCallipygos: The erection itself generally doesn't feel like much, and sometimes men get aroused for no real purpose. The arousal doesn't trigger any sexual desire necessarily and while I'm unsure if this is normal or not I used to get erections alot if my lower back was cramped, like after sitting for too long, but these were never sexual erections, just physiological responses.

If you *are* aroused, however, then the surface of the penis particularly under the head where it's most sensitive can become even more sensitive, and there can be a sensation of aching that is both physical and mental.
posted by kernel_sander at 10:57 PM on April 11, 2015 [4 favorites]


I ask in all sincerity - what DOES an erection feel like?

It feels like the instant before the most satisfying, monster sneeze you've ever had, except your mouth is quite full of gazpacho and you're eating dinner with your SO's parents for the first time, so you have to just hold it in forever. It feels intensely imminent, immensely portentous, and intimately evident. If muscle cramps were made out of chocolate, they'd be erections. Also, they're a major invasion of privacy - like if you had to walk around wearing your browser history on a sandwich board all day. Also, they feel a bit uncomfortable and silly. Except when you get to be my age. Now it mostly feels like a huge relief. OKAY, OKAY... I'm exaggerating. It mostly feels like an average relief.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:01 PM on April 11, 2015 [47 favorites]


The "clitoris is hard / impossible to find" is one of several vulva/vagina things I realized almost immediately was a basically Santa level bizarre and indefensible lie when I actually had an opportunity to check. Why do films / sitcoms / teenagers / mainstream comedians insist this is a thing?

FWIW I've known at least two women (one of whom I was not sleeping with) who've said that. And I have no reason to disbelieve either one.
posted by asterix at 11:15 PM on April 11, 2015


I dated a woman once who got a piercing so that the little ball on the ring sat on her clitoris. She said that this was at least partly so that her partner(s) would have an easier time finding it. Having had the opportunity (and possessing one myself), I can say that anatomy varies and just because you know in theory where something is, doesn't necessarily make it easier to find when everything's all slippery and the person who owns the clitoris has a tendency to squirm and writhe about when enjoying herself. I don't think a piercing is necessary, but I think it can indeed be tricky to find even if the searcher knows what they're doing.

I now feel as though I have strayed WAY too far into TMI territory. If I were a cat, I would be composure washing right about now.
posted by Athanassiel at 11:39 PM on April 11, 2015 [7 favorites]


I ask in all sincerity - what DOES an erection feel like?

Okay, so there's the emotional stuff that goes along with it (excitement, shame, awkwardness, whatever). And there's the experience of being turned on, and of wanting to have an orgasm.

But if I subtract all that stuff out and just think about the physical sensation of the erection itself, the closest thing I can think of is that it's like having a fat lip, only without any of the pain that would normally go with it. Like, you can tell that there's this ordinarily-soft-and-flexible part of your body that's swollen to the point of rigidity, you can feel this vague pressure inside it that's holding it up, and feel that the skin is stretched a little bit tighter than normal, but it doesn't hurt the way a fat lip would, it's just a sense of tightness and pressure.

(Also, if it's hard enough, or gets hard fast enough, you can sometimes feel your pulse in it, which is sort of cool.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:35 AM on April 12, 2015 [15 favorites]


Weirdly, though, having an erection feels nothing like having erect nipples, which is what I'm guessing I'd probably imagine it would feel like if I were thinking about it as someone who had never had a penis.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:38 AM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]


I had the opposite problem from most of these guys. I went to Catholic school, and was overeducated. To the point that when I first had an amorous encounter, which for various complicated reasons was in mixed company, and got my fingers all up in a lady's business, I felt it necessary to announce to the room what week of her cycle she was in. Just remember SHOW: Soft, High, Open, and Wet.

These days as a single male I stock tampons, because sometimes I need to take polish off my toenails without messing up my manicure.
posted by darksasami at 2:05 AM on April 12, 2015


The "clitoris is hard / impossible to find" is one of several vulva/vagina things I realized almost immediately was a basically Santa level bizarre and indefensible lie when I actually had an opportunity to check. Why do films / sitcoms / teenagers / mainstream comedians insist this is a thing?

The endless natural variety of anatomy may make this true in a few cases but I doubt that the popularity of the meme reflects this accurately. I've always assumed that this was more about the generally poor communication of these ideas causing a confusion between the clitoris and the g-spot.
posted by merlynkline at 2:07 AM on April 12, 2015 [1 favorite]


(Trying to be charitable to guys who say stuff like that, I think another thing "It's hard to find" can sometimes mean is "I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to be Good In Bed, and imagining that being Good In Bed is about hypercompetence rather than stuff like communication and experimentation, so when I couldn't find it instantly I pretty much just panicked instead of asking or looking closer.")
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:16 AM on April 12, 2015 [2 favorites]




Would the men who had, at some time, been forced by their wives/gfs to go out and buy tampons know any more?

Why "forced"? I mean, this sets up the purchase of menstrual products as something all men should be opposed to doing by default. The only reasons I can formulate for that being the case are not things I would endorse or feel we should gigglingly accept as a culture. Why is purchasing tampons any different than purchasing toilet paper?

Everyone in your house poops. And someone in your house has a functioning uterus. Big fucking deal.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:57 AM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]


Why "forced"? I mean, this sets up the purchase of menstrual products as something all men should be opposed to doing by default. The only reasons I can formulate for that being the case are not things I would endorse or feel we should gigglingly accept as a culture. Why is purchasing tampons any different than purchasing toilet paper?

I don't think anyone here is saying it should be that way, but it clearly is for many people. Menstruation generally, and buying menstrual products specifically, is loaded with all kinds of cultural baggage, a lot of it negative. I agree with you that it shouldn't be this way, but by and large it still is.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:23 AM on April 12, 2015


Years ago, I worked for a trade magazine called Chemist & Druggist, which went out to retail pharmacists here in the UK. We brought them news not only of the profession's endless political manoeuvrings, but also of new product launches to stock every area of their shops.

One evening at an industry do, I found myself chatting to the UK brand manager for Tampax, who was (of course) a man. He had one joke, which he deployed at every opportunity: "Mind you, I had to pull a few strings to get this job!"
posted by Paul Slade at 6:27 AM on April 12, 2015 [12 favorites]


It's not that it's especially hard to find, it's that since everyone's response to stimulation can vary, a lot of guys don't want to bother trying. Even worse than some guy who won't bother looking for it is the guy who is sure that he knows better than you how you want to be touched and starts jabbing at it with his thumb like an impatient asshat waiting for the elevator, or squeezing it like a cystic acne zit to be popped, even after you have shouted OW WHAT THE FUCK multiple times.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:01 AM on April 12, 2015 [2 favorites]


I think it's interesting that there's some variation in the men's responses to the erection question. Some men made it sound like an erection always involves much heightened sensitivity and libido, others didn't. My own experience is the latter.

Surely it's not so different from female arousal? Women have vasocongestion, too, especially in the clitoris and labia minora. It's not nearly as intense and primary as an penile erection but then I think it should be made clear to women who aren't aware, there is a wide variety of how erect a penis can be and not merely in the progressive sense leading to a full, strong erection in the way that women are more likely to be familiar with. Just as there's shrinkage, there's partial erections that just ... are, and stay that way.

But my main point is that the physiological sexual arousal responses are widely varying in intensity and context, for both men and women, and also that the sensual experience of arousal can range from being negligible to being highly sexually stimulated and sensitive, even within the context of a similar level of physiological arousal. There's a correlation, of course, and a high-libido context will likely mean a very strong physiological arousal -- in this case, an intensely erect penis. But not necessarily. You can have one without the other, to varying degrees.

My own experience is that an erection feels like a growing size and heaviness in its initial stages and then, at full erection, a proprioceptory sense of my penis as a distinct and protruding part of my anatomy (as contrasted to how I'm not really aware of it or its position when it's flaccid). Both of those -- the heaviness as it becomes more erect and the distinct sense of it as a prominent bit of my anatomy -- are independent of libido and feeling sexually stimulated. A full bladder can cause an erection because of how that bladder pressure interacts with the prostrate (which has a role in sexual stimulation and libido in ways that are even more difficult to describe, or even really be aware of if you've not investigated it as something distinct), but that erection, even a full and very hard erection, may not involve any libidinous sensations or psychology or increased sensitivity. However, my experience and probably most men's experience is that this full-bladder, morning erection that's very pronounced can very quickly become an intensely libidinous erection with specifically sexual stimulation or just something that switches the context to sex. So the main point here is that the libidinous sensual experience of physiological arousal is highly dependent upon the psychological context.

It's my understanding that lubrication for women is very similar -- it's not invariably a marker for libido and sexual interest, or, I assume, with my male experience of an erection in mind, that it means that there's necessarily an overall sense of libidinous arousal or heightened sensitivity. I can say as a man that my erections are sometimes completely idiosyncratic and inexplicable and don't involve any libido at all. This was much more true when I was young, especially as a teenager, where it seemed like I could get an erection outside the context of libido and for no apparent reason, but that also I was easily triggered into full libidinous arousal, too, and one could quickly trigger the other (which is to say, an erection for no apparent reason quickly becomes actual libidinous arousal, and any libidinous interest could instantly cause an erection). I don't miss that aspect of being a teen boy.

Nevertheless, none of this is to deny what some of the men above mentioned and that's when there's a strong libidinous arousal aspect to this physiological arousal of an erection, then an erection is something that really can be very like how people joke about it -- extreme sensitivity and a powerful psychological imperative. Psychologically, with a strong libido, the erect penis is huge, so to speak, it's a psychological imperative and suddenly the central hub of physical sensation.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 9:03 AM on April 12, 2015 [2 favorites]


also wrt what do boners feel like: it shouldn't be totally incomprehensible to non-penis-havers, as we have erectile tissue as well.

but yeah if i had a peen for a day i would get nothing at all done aside from a lot of hilarity tragedy and embarrassment

possibly felonius hilarity
posted by poffin boffin at 9:04 AM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]


Has anyone else noticed that any talk of clitorises always involves "The" clitoris. As if there's only one shared by all women, or perhaps an object of such mystery that it must be addressed as such. Or, maybe they're something on par with the being depicted in the Venus of Villendorf. I know that a lot of that is a hold over from the fact that the clitoris was invented in the 1970's by Cosmopolitan Magazine. Maybe we should all switch to using thee and thou.

Thou clitoris, where is it?
Does it paddle its canoe?
Escaping like an Indian brave,
William Henry Harrison, knave
Who quashed the noble forces and,
Spread the mystery across the land:

"Tippecanoe and Tyler too,
Oh Clitoris, oh Clitoris, where are you?"
posted by Conrad-Casserole at 9:24 AM on April 12, 2015


I was at the grocery store not long ago buying the weekly groceries, which of course included various tampons and pads for my wife and daughter, who both, it turns out, menstruate. In the check-out line, as the items were passing through the scanner, the teenaged bagger (a boy) picked up a pack of one of the products, looking scared and bewildered, and said "If I were married I would never go to the store to buy these for my wife."

Good luck there, guy, I'm sure the ladies are lining up.
posted by Cookiebastard at 9:34 AM on April 12, 2015 [4 favorites]


but yeah if i had a peen for a day i would get nothing at all done aside from a lot of hilarity tragedy and embarrassment

"I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day."
posted by asterix at 9:40 AM on April 12, 2015


my experience and probably most men's experience is that this full-bladder, morning erection that's very pronounced means you've spent at least ten minutes of your life standing over the toilet yelling, "DOWN, DAMMIT!! I HAVE TO PEE!" at your penis.
posted by soundguy99 at 10:00 AM on April 12, 2015 [4 favorites]


Really surprised at the lack of knowledge across the board.

Note the sample size in these videos is miniscule, and no doubt only the most oblivious were chosen, for the yucks. Ergo, should not be surprised.
posted by Rash at 10:18 AM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]


also wrt what do boners feel like: it shouldn't be totally incomprehensible to non-penis-havers, as we have erectile tissue as well.

Yes! This is a thing that I've wondered about! Like, on the one hand it's tempting to say "Well we've all got corpora cavernosa here so surely we all know what it feels like." But on the other hand there's a lot of details different and it feels kind of presumptuous to be like "Yeah I obviously know exactly what having an erect clitoris feels like and I can totally confirm that having an erect penis is exactly the same."
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:41 AM on April 12, 2015


Metafilter: We've all got corpora cavernosa here.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:41 AM on April 12, 2015 [1 favorite]


What with cryptic ovulation and other crypticities I don't feel like going into right now, all in service to cryptic fatherhood, which presumably results in decreased rates of infanticide and infant neglect, I'm not sure it's in women's interests for men to know all that much about these things -- or in men's interests either, of course.

It used to be accepted fact (I haven't seen it reiterated lately) that the traditional Celtic cultures of Wales and Ireland did not include even acknowledgement of the connection between sexual intercourse and pregnancy. I have too much respect for the powers of observation of traditional peoples in general to believe that this could have been simple ignorance rather than some form of deliberate obfuscation.
posted by jamjam at 11:29 AM on April 12, 2015


I ask in all sincerity - what DOES an erection feel like?

It's kinda like having one of those little rubber things on the end of your fingertip that secretaries use to avoid having to lick their finger when turning pages.
posted by rankfreudlite at 11:44 AM on April 12, 2015 [2 favorites]


I ask in all sincerity - what DOES an erection feel like?

Hard to describe.
posted by dr_dank at 12:20 PM on April 12, 2015 [2 favorites]


I ask in all sincerity - what DOES an erection feel like?

Mine? Or someone else's?
posted by Cookiebastard at 3:13 PM on April 12, 2015 [3 favorites]


>>but yeah if i had a peen for a day i would get nothing at all done aside from a lot of hilarity tragedy and embarrassment

>"I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day."


Well, there is a huge difference in the novelty factor between "for a day" and forever!
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 3:33 PM on April 12, 2015


also unless you are specifically interested in breastfeeding, boobs don't actually do anything interesting.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:40 PM on April 12, 2015 [1 favorite]


Tampons were recently explained to me (a gay guy) by a lady friend.

I had no idea there was such variety.
posted by qcubed at 9:15 AM on April 13, 2015


I ask in all sincerity - what DOES an erection feel like?

Y'know when Bruce Banner becomes the Hulk? Like that.
No, really. It's like a little uncontrolable, completely unreasonable bit of yourself.
"Raaah! Want sex now" 'Dude, we're on a plane' "RAAAH SEX!' 'Wait until we land for crying out loud' "RAAAH!!!" 'Dude, we're sitting next to an old lady and her grandkid' 'RAAAAAA!!!!"
*crosses legs/looks sheepish*

Except Banner can't hide it with a book or something.

Sorta like perky nipples. "Hi there! I'm excited! How's everybody doing!"
Or if vaginal juice came out like a firehose. Like when Popeye eats spinach and a miniture tank or a set of dynamos appear in his now engorged bicep and "Popey the Sailor Man" preable plays then he starts beating the hell out of Bluto (which in this metaphor would be the front of your trousers) to "The Stars and Stripes Forever."


And remember, men: tampons are also great for gunshot wounds
Good for broken noses too. :-)


The clitoris is the thing we don't have to go leaping straight for like a bull at a gate?
(Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.)
posted by Smedleyman at 10:27 AM on April 13, 2015


also wrt what do boners feel like: it shouldn't be totally incomprehensible to non-penis-havers, as we have erectile tissue as well.

Yeah, but you'll note that even among the penis-havers, only two even addressed the specific physical sensations thereby, while everyone else said something like "it feels like an overwhelming need to find someone to fuck" or whatever. (and thank you to the guys who shared.)

I may have erectile tissue, but I honestly don't notice when it's engaged, shall we say (there's another physical response I'm more aware of instead). So this is kind of still A Thing Unknown.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:32 AM on April 13, 2015 [2 favorites]


I may have erectile tissue, but I honestly don't notice when it's engaged, shall we say (there's another physical response I'm more aware of instead)

Huh. I find that really interesting, because I definitely notice when mine is--I get the same blood-flowing throbbing sensation that many of the dudes are talking about upthread. Fascinating.
posted by sciatrix at 10:36 AM on April 13, 2015


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