The Parent Rap
April 13, 2015 5:28 AM Subscribe
Laura June, a "writer and a real cool mom", writes a column for The Awl on parenting her new daughter Zelda.
Tagline: An endearing column about the fucked up and cruel world of parenting.
Follow the delightful account of her life as she contemplates motherhood aging her; philosophises on gender and babywear; realises although her daughter shares her face, she has her own personality; discovers Zelda's taste in music; wonders if they will get along; and celebrates milestones.
Posts in chronological order:
Six Months, One Week, and Four Days With Zelda
I Dressed a Girl and I Liked It
Why My Baby Doesn't Eat Animals
To Sleep, Perchance to Scream
Shot Through the Heart
No Offense to Laura Ingalls Wilder
Where Do Babies Come From?
The Symbiote
After Normal
Music for Babes
Rise and Grind
Dog Versus Baby
The Mimic
How I Got My Pre-Baby Body Back
One Year With Zelda
Building a Village
The Suburbs
Other People's Babies
The News Just Came in From the County of I'm Looking at the Internet
The Relapse
Is My Baby Dead? And Other Questions You Were Afraid To Ask
The Car Seat
What Do I Want?
The Lies I Will Tell My Child
Tagline: An endearing column about the fucked up and cruel world of parenting.
Follow the delightful account of her life as she contemplates motherhood aging her; philosophises on gender and babywear; realises although her daughter shares her face, she has her own personality; discovers Zelda's taste in music; wonders if they will get along; and celebrates milestones.
Posts in chronological order:
Six Months, One Week, and Four Days With Zelda
I Dressed a Girl and I Liked It
Why My Baby Doesn't Eat Animals
To Sleep, Perchance to Scream
Shot Through the Heart
No Offense to Laura Ingalls Wilder
Where Do Babies Come From?
The Symbiote
After Normal
Music for Babes
Rise and Grind
Dog Versus Baby
The Mimic
How I Got My Pre-Baby Body Back
One Year With Zelda
Building a Village
The Suburbs
Other People's Babies
The News Just Came in From the County of I'm Looking at the Internet
The Relapse
Is My Baby Dead? And Other Questions You Were Afraid To Ask
The Car Seat
What Do I Want?
The Lies I Will Tell My Child
No Offense to Laura Ingalls Wilder - I went into this one with my torch blazing but she has a valid point.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:33 AM on April 13, 2015
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:33 AM on April 13, 2015
No Offense to Laura Ingalls Wilder - I went into this one with my torch blazing but she has a valid point.
Boy, my memory of those books doesn't include those details, either. My big takeaway for parenting from those books has been that for Christmas one year, they got an orange in their stocking, and they were thrilled. Now it's raining surgar from the skies all the time, and nobody is happy.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:38 AM on April 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Boy, my memory of those books doesn't include those details, either. My big takeaway for parenting from those books has been that for Christmas one year, they got an orange in their stocking, and they were thrilled. Now it's raining surgar from the skies all the time, and nobody is happy.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:38 AM on April 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
What's up with the author blurbs on these things? On one of them, she's listed as the author of "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" and on another, as the author of "The Vampire Diaries". So, okay, they're supposed to be funny and obviously not true. But then on one she's listed as the Features Editor of The Verge, which actually appears to be true.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:55 AM on April 13, 2015
posted by jacquilynne at 7:55 AM on April 13, 2015
I read the car seat one because I'm long past that period in my life and am so very grateful to have left that particular aspect of parenting behind.
Some things for new parents:
Modern cars include a system called LATCH, which consists of hard points and tethers to make it easier to install car seats. I had cars and seats that were pre and post LATCH so I can compare and contrast. Yes, LATCH is better than non-latch in the same way that getting hit in the head with a baseball bat covered in a quarter inch of foam is better than getting hit in the head by an unsheathed bat. Your best bet is to see if your local fire department or police station has a program to assist in seat installation because I've gotten into pretzel poses in the backs of cars jamming my full body weight into the car seat while attempting to pull up slack in the straps. If nothing else, you can have the entertainment of watching someone else fight a battle that should be won with mechanical advantage, not with brawn. Speaking of which, I loved this particular device, which is a (discontinued) ratchet for tightening down straps. If the car seat manufacturers put a little more money into realistic tie downs instead of lawsuit mitigation, there would be much happier parents and safer seats, but that's only half the story. Car manufacturers have some rather interesting ways of implementing LATCH. For example, in Subaru Imprezzas, the top strap went into the back luggage area, making it exposed for damage and blocking off the precious cargo space. In Toyota Tacoma extended cabs, it was near impossible to get into the space and even harder to apply the necessary leverage.
Oh also, when you're cranking down on the straps and are thinking, "wow, this is going to totally fuck up my car's upholstery!" (spoiler alert: it will), you've clearly underestimated a child's bodily fluid and snack dispersal efficiency because they're going to be doing much, much more damage. I put in seat covers in the back of my current car and have a very limited amount of food/drink in the back (preferring to actually eat with my kids so we can talk), and they've still fucked up the seat covers.
posted by plinth at 7:56 AM on April 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
Some things for new parents:
Modern cars include a system called LATCH, which consists of hard points and tethers to make it easier to install car seats. I had cars and seats that were pre and post LATCH so I can compare and contrast. Yes, LATCH is better than non-latch in the same way that getting hit in the head with a baseball bat covered in a quarter inch of foam is better than getting hit in the head by an unsheathed bat. Your best bet is to see if your local fire department or police station has a program to assist in seat installation because I've gotten into pretzel poses in the backs of cars jamming my full body weight into the car seat while attempting to pull up slack in the straps. If nothing else, you can have the entertainment of watching someone else fight a battle that should be won with mechanical advantage, not with brawn. Speaking of which, I loved this particular device, which is a (discontinued) ratchet for tightening down straps. If the car seat manufacturers put a little more money into realistic tie downs instead of lawsuit mitigation, there would be much happier parents and safer seats, but that's only half the story. Car manufacturers have some rather interesting ways of implementing LATCH. For example, in Subaru Imprezzas, the top strap went into the back luggage area, making it exposed for damage and blocking off the precious cargo space. In Toyota Tacoma extended cabs, it was near impossible to get into the space and even harder to apply the necessary leverage.
Oh also, when you're cranking down on the straps and are thinking, "wow, this is going to totally fuck up my car's upholstery!" (spoiler alert: it will), you've clearly underestimated a child's bodily fluid and snack dispersal efficiency because they're going to be doing much, much more damage. I put in seat covers in the back of my current car and have a very limited amount of food/drink in the back (preferring to actually eat with my kids so we can talk), and they've still fucked up the seat covers.
posted by plinth at 7:56 AM on April 13, 2015 [4 favorites]
My daughter, barely walking, would come and get me, by the hand. She would take me to the stereo and say, "Baby Noocus!" Then I would put on The Police's first album, and she would dance to Every Breath You Take. It was in one of those moments I realized, "She is left handed!," (by her dance style.)
I wish I had journeled about these experiences. Then I would have more of the immediate quality of that time.
posted by Oyéah at 8:43 AM on April 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wish I had journeled about these experiences. Then I would have more of the immediate quality of that time.
posted by Oyéah at 8:43 AM on April 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I just read the one with the dog.
Dog looks and acts worried. Nothing happens, no response.
Dog growls. Nothing happens, no response.
Dog snaps at baby. "It's sad to see the dog's decline."
No, train your fucking dog, reprimand her when she acts inappropriately!
Then I read the baby seat one...yeah, it's a fucking problem, but screaming at the Enterprise employees when it's a corporate problem is...not useful in the slightest.
This woman seems to live in a solipsistic bubble. Whatever she does is written about as though it was the only thing to do, and therefore correct. She kinda reminds me of a friend of mine who somehow always gets shitty service (from places that I've had excellent service) and complains about problems of his own making.
posted by notsnot at 8:52 AM on April 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
Dog looks and acts worried. Nothing happens, no response.
Dog growls. Nothing happens, no response.
Dog snaps at baby. "It's sad to see the dog's decline."
No, train your fucking dog, reprimand her when she acts inappropriately!
Then I read the baby seat one...yeah, it's a fucking problem, but screaming at the Enterprise employees when it's a corporate problem is...not useful in the slightest.
This woman seems to live in a solipsistic bubble. Whatever she does is written about as though it was the only thing to do, and therefore correct. She kinda reminds me of a friend of mine who somehow always gets shitty service (from places that I've had excellent service) and complains about problems of his own making.
posted by notsnot at 8:52 AM on April 13, 2015 [8 favorites]
LOVED "The Lies I Will Tell My Child."
I was well into adulthood - at the age when my friends were having children of their own, no less - before I knew that other children had been brought up believing that there was an actual, factual Santa Claus. I assumed everyone thought the same thing my sister and I did: that he was a fictional character who appeared in Christmas art and media, kind of like Frosty the Snowman. It blew my mind.
We always had Christmas stockings as kids, but no mention of made of who filled them. We assumed it was our parents. It made us feel special because we got that little bit more than the adults. When we got old enough to do our own Christmas shopping, our parents started hanging up stocking themselves, and we all filled each other's.
I didn;t go around telling other kids that there asn;t a real Santa Claus because it never occurred to me that they really thought there was. It would have been like saying Darth Vader didn' exist in real life.
All my childhood Christmas memories are wonderful. I did NOT miss out without the fib. Same deal with the Easter Bunny.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:57 AM on April 13, 2015
I was well into adulthood - at the age when my friends were having children of their own, no less - before I knew that other children had been brought up believing that there was an actual, factual Santa Claus. I assumed everyone thought the same thing my sister and I did: that he was a fictional character who appeared in Christmas art and media, kind of like Frosty the Snowman. It blew my mind.
We always had Christmas stockings as kids, but no mention of made of who filled them. We assumed it was our parents. It made us feel special because we got that little bit more than the adults. When we got old enough to do our own Christmas shopping, our parents started hanging up stocking themselves, and we all filled each other's.
I didn;t go around telling other kids that there asn;t a real Santa Claus because it never occurred to me that they really thought there was. It would have been like saying Darth Vader didn' exist in real life.
All my childhood Christmas memories are wonderful. I did NOT miss out without the fib. Same deal with the Easter Bunny.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:57 AM on April 13, 2015
This woman seems to live in a solipsistic bubble
No no she moved out of Brooklyn.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:08 AM on April 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
No no she moved out of Brooklyn.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:08 AM on April 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
I totally emphasize with that one though. NYC sucks hard right now for children raising in many many ways that other cities even do not.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:09 AM on April 13, 2015
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:09 AM on April 13, 2015
“You’re going to be able to hear the neighbors,” Josh said to me, or maybe the Corcoran agent showing the apartment. “Oh no,” she said, “this is solid construction.” “Humor me and go upstairs, just bang around,” Josh asked her. She kindly did so. And of course, you could hear her, clear as day, just walking around upstairs. The condos were being rented for ten thousand dollars a month, possibly to be sold at a later date for around $3 million. And yet, you could hear the neighbors above and below.
So funny and true. Of course, for the really high end stuff, it doesn't even really matter because nobody lives there.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:30 AM on April 13, 2015
So funny and true. Of course, for the really high end stuff, it doesn't even really matter because nobody lives there.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:30 AM on April 13, 2015
What's up with the author blurbs on these things? On one of them, she's listed as the author of "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" and on another, as the author of "The Vampire Diaries". So, okay, they're supposed to be funny and obviously not true. But then on one she's listed as the Features Editor of The Verge, which actually appears to be true.
As a a member of a fully credentialed power couple, I guess she/they think everyone gets the joke? Bonus if you click the link: cutesy joke about how silly workplace fraternization rules are!
posted by 99_ at 11:02 AM on April 13, 2015
As a a member of a fully credentialed power couple, I guess she/they think everyone gets the joke? Bonus if you click the link: cutesy joke about how silly workplace fraternization rules are!
posted by 99_ at 11:02 AM on April 13, 2015
Reading the first books (so far) with my 8year old, Ingalls has provided us with an awesome opportunity for in the moment conversations. I didn't remember those passages either, I read them to myself growing up, but stumbling on them with someone following along made it unavoidable. Quoting them out of context for shock value is a bit disingenuous.
First time parent discovers everything.
posted by lawliet at 11:29 AM on April 13, 2015
First time parent discovers everything.
posted by lawliet at 11:29 AM on April 13, 2015
Dog snaps at baby. "It's sad to see the dog's decline."
No, train your fucking dog, reprimand her when she acts inappropriately!
I feel like we didn't read the same piece. Is the the Baby vs Dog one? It's an 8-year-old dog they didn't train to handle kids while they were childless. The dog is not doing well with the new child, as many dogs don't when it comes to big changes. They've looked into ways of making it easier for the dog and wound up going to the vet and getting a nervous dog some medication, which their vet seems to have recommended. She doesn't even seem to think there's any big problem here, she expects that once the child is old enough, the dog situation will work itself out. She even acknowledges it's her own fault she didn't train the dog enough. What's wrong here? At least she's not abandoning it like so many other parents.
Then I read the baby seat one...yeah, it's a fucking problem, but screaming at the Enterprise employees when it's a corporate problem is...not useful in the slightest.
She paid for a car seat, which you are required to have by law if you take a child in a car. Then it turns out they're trying to pass off broken ones and none of them seem to fit in the car she rented from them! It's completely understandable to me that she got angry. I would raise all hell, personally. Good for you I guess that you would just write an email to head office and wait for a car and car seat to materialize so you could leave the airport. To me that's pretty clearly a situation that needs to be resolved right then and there, and if you paid someone to get it done, it's for them to figure out.
This woman seems to live in a solipsistic bubble
Not picking up on that, at all. She is writing about her experience, so it's from her perspective and it doesn't seem prescriptive to me. But even still, here we have some dude on the internet telling her how she's handling her dog wrong and a stressful situation wrong and must be OMG so self absorbed, how could she think she is doing the right thing when it is I who know the right things? Do you know how often you get "helpful free advice" from strangers as a parent with a small child? You pretty much have to put up a bit of a bubble, or you would go around murdering everyone who felt they need to say "your child looks cold" for some reason even though they're bundled up in a ridiculous snowsuit, with mittens, a scarf and hat on and it doesn't even get below freezing here. Or that you should give your child a cookie. Or that you shouldn't give your child a cookie. Or that the fruit she is eating has a lot of sugar in it. Or that she looks tired. Or any number of other very helpful things. I assure you, it would be a large pile of bodies.
First time parent discovers everything.
Silly person! Doesn't she know I already have a kid?
posted by Hoopo at 11:39 AM on April 13, 2015 [6 favorites]
No, train your fucking dog, reprimand her when she acts inappropriately!
I feel like we didn't read the same piece. Is the the Baby vs Dog one? It's an 8-year-old dog they didn't train to handle kids while they were childless. The dog is not doing well with the new child, as many dogs don't when it comes to big changes. They've looked into ways of making it easier for the dog and wound up going to the vet and getting a nervous dog some medication, which their vet seems to have recommended. She doesn't even seem to think there's any big problem here, she expects that once the child is old enough, the dog situation will work itself out. She even acknowledges it's her own fault she didn't train the dog enough. What's wrong here? At least she's not abandoning it like so many other parents.
Then I read the baby seat one...yeah, it's a fucking problem, but screaming at the Enterprise employees when it's a corporate problem is...not useful in the slightest.
She paid for a car seat, which you are required to have by law if you take a child in a car. Then it turns out they're trying to pass off broken ones and none of them seem to fit in the car she rented from them! It's completely understandable to me that she got angry. I would raise all hell, personally. Good for you I guess that you would just write an email to head office and wait for a car and car seat to materialize so you could leave the airport. To me that's pretty clearly a situation that needs to be resolved right then and there, and if you paid someone to get it done, it's for them to figure out.
This woman seems to live in a solipsistic bubble
Not picking up on that, at all. She is writing about her experience, so it's from her perspective and it doesn't seem prescriptive to me. But even still, here we have some dude on the internet telling her how she's handling her dog wrong and a stressful situation wrong and must be OMG so self absorbed, how could she think she is doing the right thing when it is I who know the right things? Do you know how often you get "helpful free advice" from strangers as a parent with a small child? You pretty much have to put up a bit of a bubble, or you would go around murdering everyone who felt they need to say "your child looks cold" for some reason even though they're bundled up in a ridiculous snowsuit, with mittens, a scarf and hat on and it doesn't even get below freezing here. Or that you should give your child a cookie. Or that you shouldn't give your child a cookie. Or that the fruit she is eating has a lot of sugar in it. Or that she looks tired. Or any number of other very helpful things. I assure you, it would be a large pile of bodies.
First time parent discovers everything.
Silly person! Doesn't she know I already have a kid?
posted by Hoopo at 11:39 AM on April 13, 2015 [6 favorites]
Quoting them out of context for shock value is a bit disingenuous.
As a Native kid, hearing those quotes read aloud in context in my Grade 3 class didn't make it any better. And having the teacher pause for a few minutes for a "learning opportunity" didn't stop "The only good Indian is a dead Indian" for being a playground taunt for several weeks. All it did was teach me that white people's nostalgia was more important than my dignity - which, fair enough, was an accurate lesson.
posted by northernish at 11:43 AM on April 13, 2015 [11 favorites]
As a Native kid, hearing those quotes read aloud in context in my Grade 3 class didn't make it any better. And having the teacher pause for a few minutes for a "learning opportunity" didn't stop "The only good Indian is a dead Indian" for being a playground taunt for several weeks. All it did was teach me that white people's nostalgia was more important than my dignity - which, fair enough, was an accurate lesson.
posted by northernish at 11:43 AM on April 13, 2015 [11 favorites]
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posted by josher71 at 5:32 AM on April 13, 2015 [1 favorite]