You have never experienced ecstasy like this 1991 Sizzler commercial
April 15, 2015 12:56 PM   Subscribe

Sizzler is the one who brings us choices. A 1991 promotional video for Sizzler.
posted by blue_beetle (185 comments total) 34 users marked this as a favorite
 
I miss Sizzler. We used to take the kids there all the time. Never ate steak, though. The toast...mmmmm
posted by Thorzdad at 12:57 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Apparently Sizzler is a front organization for the Church of Scientology. Who knew?
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:03 PM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


And people wonder why punk made such a huge comeback in the early '90s.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:03 PM on April 15, 2015 [24 favorites]


A friend posted this on my facebook this morning pointing out my startling resemblance to the little tree climbing baseball girl.

And the funny thing is that that's not even the weirdest thing about the video.
posted by phunniemee at 1:04 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Why the blog spam link? Just link to the video!
posted by OwlBoy at 1:08 PM on April 15, 2015 [11 favorites]


1:32 until a non-white person comes in.
posted by St. Hubbins at 1:09 PM on April 15, 2015 [22 favorites]


Hey it's another Adult Swim infomercial!
posted by paper chromatographologist at 1:14 PM on April 15, 2015 [15 favorites]


Linked video:
posted by Fizz at 1:15 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


On the other hand, at least the horn section got a paycheck.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:16 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]



1:32 until a non-white person comes in.


I was wondering about that myself. Apparently in 1991 visible minorities just didn't know about steak or steak-eatery-establishments. Well, maybe visible minorities knew about these types of restaurants but for whatever reason, corporate doesn't give a fuck about this particular demographic.
posted by Fizz at 1:17 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Two points:

1. USA! USA! USA!
2. Not a morbidly obese person in sight.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 1:22 PM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


Too Many Cooks!
posted by sweetkid at 1:25 PM on April 15, 2015 [10 favorites]


Oh, my goodness can I please go sailing with the grizzled but lovable sea-captain that comes onscreen at 0:27?

My life will not be complete until this happens.

... and what, perhaps fictional/cartoon, charachter does he bear a striking resemblance to? Tip-of-my-tongue and all that.
posted by RolandOfEld at 1:26 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Ah 1991, don't trick me with nostalgia. You still sucked in so, so many ways.
posted by zardoz at 1:30 PM on April 15, 2015 [12 favorites]


... and what, perhaps fictional/cartoon, charachter does he bear a striking resemblance to? Tip-of-my-tongue and all that.

Yar, I think ye be talking about the sea captain from The Simpsons. Yar.
posted by bondcliff at 1:30 PM on April 15, 2015 [12 favorites]


Wednesday is "Human Sacrifice" day at The Sizzler
posted by hellojed at 1:30 PM on April 15, 2015 [19 favorites]


This is the day that just keeps on giving.
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:31 PM on April 15, 2015


... and what, perhaps fictional/cartoon, charachter does he bear a striking resemblance to? Tip-of-my-tongue and all that.

You're probably thinking of the Sea Captain from the Simpsons, who is probably based on someone else but I have no idea.
posted by phunniemee at 1:31 PM on April 15, 2015


FWIW This Esquire article (Apr 9) seems to be patient zero for this particular viral video. It has a lot more animated GIFs including the super-freaky you caught us having an affair at Sizzler moment.
posted by Nelson at 1:32 PM on April 15, 2015 [12 favorites]


Is that Scott Baio?
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 1:33 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Sizzler and Red Lobster were at each other's throats for a while there in the early 90s, trying to stake their claim as the new Corporate Restaurant One Notch Above Fast Food, after having both beat the shit out of Beefsteak Charlie's the decade previous. They would both be crushed in a pincer attack from TGI Fridays and Ruby Tuesdays.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 1:34 PM on April 15, 2015 [14 favorites]


Just thinking of Sizzler makes my teeth hurt because the way your knife would scrape against the metal plate they used to serve on. But that toast, yeah.

Apparently Sizzler is a front organization for the Church of Scientology. Who knew?

and

Yar, I think ye be talking about the sea captain from The Simpsons. Yar.

That's no Sea Captain, that's L. Ron Hubbard!
posted by Room 641-A at 1:34 PM on April 15, 2015 [9 favorites]


Yeah, apparently Ponderosa "Steakhouse" had peaked, and Wendy's was trying to integrate the Salad/Pasta/Tortilla bar concept. Man, remember that silk blouse, pleather miniskirt combo?
posted by mikelieman at 1:35 PM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


There are an inordinate number of seafarers and seafaring hats.
posted by Foam Pants at 1:36 PM on April 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


And people wonder why punk made such a huge comeback in the early '90s.

No kidding. My favorite person in the world is Mr. Rogers, my hobbies include tea and gardening, and still that video made me want to set fire to the place and bar the door.
posted by leotrotsky at 1:36 PM on April 15, 2015 [33 favorites]


This whole video is a dang proto-vaporwave video
posted by hellojed at 1:36 PM on April 15, 2015 [14 favorites]


The whispered "Sizzler" at the very end ties it together
posted by hellojed at 1:42 PM on April 15, 2015 [28 favorites]


Really seems like a spoof from Mr. Show or Kids in the Hall. I'm a big fan of the sea captain but really love the lip-licking woman who starts making out with her boyfriend. In the restaurant. Saw this a few days ago, and am partially ashamed to admit that I've watched it through four times already.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 1:43 PM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


What the hell is going on @2:48?
posted by pashdown at 1:43 PM on April 15, 2015


This whole video is a dang proto-vaporwave video

Yes! Yes it is. For great effect, pull up the video, mute the sound, and open this link in another window and hit the play button, then start the video.
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:45 PM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


How is this possibly even real?

I mean, what exec thought it would be a good idea to greenlight this 5 minute trainwreck?
posted by KGMoney at 1:46 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


How is this possibly even real?

I mean, what exec thought it would be a good idea to greenlight this 5 minute trainwreck?


The kind that bankrupted the company within 5 years.
posted by leotrotsky at 1:47 PM on April 15, 2015 [11 favorites]


Oh, great! Now I have "We Goin' Sizzler!" running on a continuous loop in my head!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:48 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


To this day, when Mrs. Guy suggests we go out to eat, and asks where we should go, I frequently just whisper "Sizzler".
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 1:50 PM on April 15, 2015 [13 favorites]


What the hell is going on @2:48?

That's the same woman from 2:17 who I can only assume finds dining at Sizzler to be an erotic experience.
posted by phunniemee at 1:53 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


That's the same woman from 2:17 who I can only assume finds dining at Sizzler to be an erotic experience.

(Cue saxophone)
posted by pashdown at 1:56 PM on April 15, 2015 [9 favorites]


The whispered "Sizzler" at the very end ties it together

i was about to post to make sure that everyone watched it ALL THE WAY TO THE END for that moment. just puts a lovely bow on top of the creepy eroticisms
posted by NoraReed at 1:59 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Oh god that initial staring contest with baseball girl, where her face very clearly tells you that, yes, we can continue this little charade if you like, but she plays 12-dimensional staring-contest, and are you quite secure in your family's safety at this particular moment?
posted by Navelgazer at 2:04 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


Oh, my goodness can I please go sailing with the grizzled but lovable sea-captain that comes onscreen at 0:27?

Captain Highliner, perchance?
posted by Pazzovizza at 2:07 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Like Captain Highliner would go out to a restaurant. Booooolshiiiiiiit.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:14 PM on April 15, 2015


One thing's for sure, Sizzler is full of seamen
posted by mike_bling at 2:14 PM on April 15, 2015 [10 favorites]


The narrating voiceover guy... he did everything in that era, no?
posted by rouftop at 2:15 PM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


I had my thesis defense at Sizzler.
posted by ducky l'orange at 2:15 PM on April 15, 2015 [9 favorites]


@It's Raining Florence Henderson: "'A thing of beauty is a joy forever.' My man John Keats said that. John Keats, that's my man!"
posted by HillbillyInBC at 2:16 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why the blog spam link? Just link to the video!

Seriously, I just had to fucking restart because of the malware-redirect bullshit on that hosting site. Can we change the link to just the video?
posted by Navelgazer at 2:18 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


The Reagan years put their claws into the early 90s, that's for sure. I haven't seen that many padded shoulders and that much hair spray since drag night at Bob and Barbara's.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 2:20 PM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


What's this style/genre of music called? Is there any good music in this style/genre?
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 2:23 PM on April 15, 2015


Is there any music in this style/genre?
posted by koeselitz at 2:25 PM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


What's this style/genre of music called? Is there any good music in this style/genre?

Shmalz. Midler?
posted by Sys Rq at 2:27 PM on April 15, 2015


I am convinced that song (minus the vocals) is a MIDI.
posted by maryr at 2:28 PM on April 15, 2015


... and what, perhaps fictional/cartoon, charachter does he bear a striking resemblance to? Tip-of-my-tongue and all that.

A cross between Captain Birdseye and the Gorton's Fisherman, perhaps.

My parents live a few blocks away from the one of the last remaining Sizzlers--it's kept in business by the teachers at the high school next door, I think. The last time I ate there must have been over two decades ago.
posted by thomas j wise at 2:29 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


What's this style/genre of music called?

Progressive House Trailer Park.
posted by Wolfdog at 2:30 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


OH MY GOD, THIS LETTUCE IS WIDER THAN MY MOUTH AND I'M ON CAMERA WHAT DO I DO
posted by Wolfdog at 2:31 PM on April 15, 2015 [8 favorites]


What's this style/genre of music called?

Sizzlin'
Corp-pop
Mormonism
Satan's Playground
Non-offenso-rama
Smiling Whitey's Blues
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 2:31 PM on April 15, 2015 [18 favorites]


OH MY GOD, THIS LETTUCE IS WIDER THAN MY MOUTH AND I'M ON CAMERA WHAT DO I DO

"You earn that Sizzler uniform, maggot, EARN IT!"

--Sergeant Sizzler
Hastily retired corporate mascot 1991-93
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 2:34 PM on April 15, 2015 [8 favorites]


There's a really cute dog at about 3:50; I hope (s)he got to visit the buffet.
posted by Wolfdog at 2:35 PM on April 15, 2015


Sizzler is the choice of America
Sizzler gives you choices every day
Sizzler is asking you to choose
Sizzler is the only choice
You must choose Sizzler
Please stop resisting
posted by dephlogisticated at 2:36 PM on April 15, 2015 [49 favorites]


All across America
The song of FREEDOM rings
A song that's growin' stronger every day
It tells us when we listen
To the message that is sings
Let us lift our voices
We can make the CHOICES
We will make the most
Of all the best that FREEDOM brings
Sizzler is the one
Who brings us CHOICES
Reachin' out across the USA
Each and every day
Get a little FREEDOM in your life

I am convinced that song (minus the vocals) is a MIDI.

Most likely a Yamaha DX7. It does other things, but this tinkly treacle is all the corporate crapmasters made it do for a whole decade.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:36 PM on April 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


There's a really cute dog at about 3:50; I hope (s)he got to visit the buffet.

We have some bad news for you. Old Yeller mashed up with Soylent Green bad.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 2:37 PM on April 15, 2015


We're going to need a bigger Sizzler.
posted by lagomorphius at 2:37 PM on April 15, 2015


Back in the day, I used to take the San Joaquin train between the Bay Area and Los Angeles a few times a year. On one trip down south, I sat behind a young woman who was making conversation with an older woman.

After establishing that the older woman was stopping at Hanford, the young woman had questions.

"If I wanted to have a great meal in Hanford, where would I go? Where's the best place for dinner?"

"Oh... Hmmm. Let me think," replied the older woman.

I leaned in, hoping it would be some hole-in-the-wall, a local gem.

"Well, that would probably be the Sizzler, then."

I hope they didn't notice my facepalm.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 2:38 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


I don't know what's happening at 4:00, but I do know that visible surprise is never an appropriate reaction to watermelon unless you're at a Gallagher show.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:42 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Little Billy had never tried watermelon soaked in cheap gin before!
posted by Wolfdog at 2:44 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


There's a really cute dog at about 3:50; I hope (s)he got to visit the buffet.

Due to lower than expected quarterly profits, the dog was the buffet.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 2:45 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


I Miss America Favorite if you agree!!!!
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 2:45 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Sizzler in the 90s! Exactly what America wants!

Or else.
posted by Drastic at 2:46 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Thing is, I didn't remember the 90s being this sincere.
posted by maryr at 2:49 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


The whispered "sizzler" was at the end of literally every Sizzler commercial. Gave it an extra special sheen of cheapness, like shoulder pads or coral ties.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 2:53 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


This is exactly the kind of music Dave Barry had in mind when he wrote the following:
I have yet to see a patriotic laxative commercial, but I imagine it`s only a matter of time. They`ll show some actors dressed up as hardworking country folk, maybe at a church picnic, smiling at each other and eating pieces of pie. At least one of them will be a black person. The Statue of Liberty will appear in the background. Then you`ll hear a country-style singer singing:

Folks 'round here they love this land;
They stand by their beliefs;
An' when they git themselves stopped up;
They want some quick relief.
Compared to the Sizzler commercial, his lyrics at least have the virtue of brevity.
posted by Wolfdog at 2:53 PM on April 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


Corp-pop

Hardcorp, surely.
posted by Kabanos at 2:54 PM on April 15, 2015 [28 favorites]


I didn't remember the 90s being this sincere

This isn't sincerity. This is conspiracy.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:55 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


Why do I feel like there are plenty of doors into this restaurant but no doors out?
posted by Servo5678 at 2:56 PM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


OMG. Sizzler was my second job after McDonalds.

This was in Canada but the restaurant decor looked the same as this video! The chairs... and this weird pastelly garden thing going on.

Those chairs gave me flashbacks and the icky version of nostalgia. *shudder*

I do have to agree about the toast though. Best part of the job.
posted by Jalliah at 2:58 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


How is this possibly even real?

I mean, what exec thought it would be a good idea to greenlight this 5 minute trainwreck?


Not to split hairs, but every place is calling this a "commercial" when it's obviously some kind of internal corporate thing like they would have shown at a shareholder's meeting, or on a loop in the campus cafeteria. Was clearly never made with the intention of being shown on public television. As much rah-rah creepy corporate atmosphere as there is, it was aimed at the suits, not the public.
posted by anazgnos at 3:01 PM on April 15, 2015 [15 favorites]


This is the sort of thing you only aim at something you want to destroy. Weaponized 90's.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 3:03 PM on April 15, 2015 [14 favorites]


Oh god, I think I actually love the song. It has three endings, all overlapping each other. If I saw a musical that climaxed like this, I'd be on my feet at the end, clapping and weeping.
posted by sleepcrime at 3:04 PM on April 15, 2015 [9 favorites]


The Reagan years put their claws into the early 90s, that's for sure.

But the family walking down the pier near the beginning is very Bill/Hillary/Chelsea.

In the late 80s, when I lived in Los Angeles, I thought the endless supply of whole kiwis on the Sizzler buffet table was wonderful; my east coast experience of kiwis was limited to an occasional expensive, mean little unripe slice.
posted by carmicha at 3:09 PM on April 15, 2015


Man, and here I thought I was finally rid of that obnoxious MTV blur-stop-blur-stop effect. (e.g. 0:45, 1:31, 2:29)

Who do we have to blame for that?
posted by JoeZydeco at 3:10 PM on April 15, 2015


All across America
The song of FREEDOM blurts
A pulse that's growin' stronger every day
It tells us when we listen
To the message that it spurts
Let us lift our arteries
We can make the hard decisions
We will make the quick incisions
Who gives a damn who FREEDOM hurts
Soylent is the one
Who brings us CHOICE CUTS
Reachin' out across the cheap buffet
EVERY DAY
Get a little A-1 for your life
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:10 PM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


As much rah-rah creepy corporate atmosphere as there is, it was aimed at the suits, not the public.

Not just the suits. If you worked at a corporate chain restaurant in the 80s or 90s, chances are you had to sit through one of these as a new hire going through your orientation. They were ubiquitous.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 3:11 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Hey we're those two guys jogging together smiling blissfully at each other while there was talk of choices showing a very progressive aspect of the company? We're they a couple?
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:11 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Sizzler. Believe in a smiling god.
posted by Foosnark at 3:17 PM on April 15, 2015 [10 favorites]


Sorry to burst your bubble Nanuk but I think the jogger on the left is just a woman with short hair. I think she appears later shaking water/sweat from her hair.
posted by RobotHero at 3:22 PM on April 15, 2015


"This is what we eat before we eat, Starvin Marvin."

But seriously, I find it hard to feel anything but affection for this. I was growing up around this time, and Sizzler was one of the "nice restaurants" that we got to go to maybe every six months or a year if we were lucky and if things were going well for dad. It's pretty easy to laugh at this now, but the feelings that so much choice and what felt like freedom generated in a young kid are undeniably real, at least for me.
posted by jbickers at 3:23 PM on April 15, 2015 [16 favorites]


This is great because I needed a reminder that the decade-as-zeitgeist and the decade-as-numerical-bounds generally don't quite coincide.
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:24 PM on April 15, 2015 [11 favorites]




the feelings that so much choice and what felt like freedom generated in a young kid are undeniably real, at least for me

Due to geographic and economic constraints I totally missed the low-to-mid-range buffet phenomenon of the 90s, so this promo piece brought back the burning desire I felt growing up in the out in the boonies, watching commercials for Bonanza where the camera panned over a seemingly infinite display of food, a desire that has never truly been extinguished... last year we took a day trip to Grand Forks, and the only buffet I could find was Pizza Ranch. Pizza Ranch.
So we went on down to Pizza Ranch.
Don't let the name fool you, Pizza Ranch is not that great.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 3:33 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


So, it's a dud ranch, then?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:37 PM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


"Baby Baby" Amy Grant yt

Oh my god, I remember people freaking the fuck out about that song. Amy Grant's fallen, she's gone secular, she's leading good Christian people away from God...
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:44 PM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


Ned: So where’s your band?
Rachel Jordan: They switched from Christian music to regular pop. All you do is change “Jesus” to “baby.”
Ned: Oh how horrible.
Rachel Jordan: Oh, they’ll all go to Hell.
posted by Servo5678 at 3:50 PM on April 15, 2015 [12 favorites]


This is a David Lynch Twin Peaks-esque mini-series waiting to happen. Just need to tweak the music a bit.
posted by Fizz at 3:53 PM on April 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


Twin Steaks
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:54 PM on April 15, 2015 [21 favorites]


This is what the Sizzler Sisters (Jerry and Jerry) squandered their money on!?
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:58 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


6 seasonings plus a movie. That movie being, Twin Steaks: Fire Up that Wok for Me, Please
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:00 PM on April 15, 2015 [25 favorites]


Mmm, still too subtle. Maybe we could add another "freedom"?
posted by Naib at 4:18 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


*sighs, unzips*
posted by loquacious at 4:23 PM on April 15, 2015 [10 favorites]


(I love this post. It's been too long since we all had a good bit of internet weirdness hit the front page.)
posted by JHarris at 4:27 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


That music is very 90s-evangelical.
posted by persona au gratin at 4:29 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Is there a better example of why we waged the Cold War?
posted by persona au gratin at 4:30 PM on April 15, 2015


Corp-pop

Softcore popcorn corp-pop porn.
posted by painquale at 4:32 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Score!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:33 PM on April 15, 2015


Just add a laugh track and get an instant SNL parody.
posted by freakazoid at 4:36 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


90s evangelical

1. 2.
posted by persona au gratin at 4:40 PM on April 15, 2015


JoeZydeco: Man, and here I thought I was finally rid of that obnoxious MTV blur-stop-blur-stop effect. (e.g. 0:45, 1:31, 2:29)

I'm glad it wasn't just me. I thought I enabled the Zapruder Film plugin by accident.
posted by dr_dank at 4:40 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Dave Holmes wrote this up last week for Esquire (with a better selection of gifs, to boot):

http://www.esquire.com/food-drink/recipes/a34211/sizzler-promo-reel/
posted by themanwho at 4:40 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


maryr: "Thing is, I didn't remember the 90s being this sincere."

I think this is the part of the 90s that was actually still the 80s. I don't think the 90s really started until Clinton took office.
posted by mhum at 4:44 PM on April 15, 2015 [11 favorites]


If you follow themanwho's Esquire link, you will encounter the following comment in the comments section:
Funny but sad at the same time because for those of us ''old'' enough and wise enough to remember America of the 20th century. This video was effective with the American of the 1980's/90s'. We were simpler, more genuine, more patriotic..less sarcastic, suspicious, shallow. Sure I can look the commercial and laugh about the idiosyncricies but inside somewhere I am crying.about what we lost..about who we were.. about a different time in America, a better time, a more evolved period in our history.. a time when kids played baseball in a field, not on an Ipad for example..
I, too, am crying inside somewhere.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:48 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Bush-era 90s was the 1890s.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:48 PM on April 15, 2015


1991 + ice cream bar + sneeze guard = Operation Dessert Shield?




Yeah, OK. Really sorry 'bout that. Go ahead and have another order of their Texas Toast. I'll let myself out...
posted by mosk at 4:51 PM on April 15, 2015 [14 favorites]


I think this is the part of the 90s that was actually still the 80s. I don't think the 90s really started until Clinton took office.

Kind of like how when you drank so much the night before that you wake up still slightly drunk and probably shouldn't operate a motor vehicle before you've had a little something to eat.

At this point, America was technically awake, but had yet to raise its head from the vomit-stained pillow that was the 80s.
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:59 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


From the Dave Holmes piece at Esquire:
Okay. We must address the lip-lick that begins at 2:16 and lasts forever. How many takes do you reckon they shot? How many more subtle ones did Debi (her name is Debi and we all know it) give them before she got fed up and threw believability to the wind?
I just fell outta my chair laughing. "Her name is Debi and we all know it."
posted by dnash at 5:00 PM on April 15, 2015 [13 favorites]


"This video was effective with the American of the 1980's/90s'. We were simpler, more genuine, more patriotic.."

Dude, I was alive and aware during the 80s and 90s and I would have laughed just as hard at this thing then.

Wait, no, actually it's possible I wouldn't have laughed back then. I might've just rolled my eyes and said "gag me with a Ginsu, this is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen."

Please, stop pining for a Glorious American past that never existed.
posted by dnash at 5:03 PM on April 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


I remember watching home movies from the 70s right back around 1991 and thinking "Ha, wow, look at how weird everybody looks! They're acting so awkward and dorky and they don't even know it!"

I was probably wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sweatpants, and about a cup and a half of hair gel at the time. I would have been twelve.

The horrible secret truth is that every epoch is a nightmare carnival of humiliating cluelessness and shameful cultural mores.

Also, I am really in the mood for some yellow triangles of damp garlic toast right now.
posted by prize bull octorok at 5:07 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


but ipads killed the baseball :(
posted by Wolfdog at 5:07 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


dnash: "Dude, I was alive and aware during the 80s and 90s and I would have laughed just as hard at this thing then. [...] Please, stop pining for a Glorious American past that never existed."

I bet dollars to donuts that this guy was prepubescent in the 80s/90s. Everything's simpler when you're a kid. It's the same as that kind of nostalgia for the simpler (but also viciously racist and sexist and everything-ist) 1950s that certain Baby Boomers have.
posted by mhum at 5:08 PM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


Chainsawsuit nails it.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:15 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


A cross between Captain Birdseye and the Gorton's Fisherman, perhaps.

Captain Fisheye? Gorton's Birdman?
posted by ennui.bz at 5:20 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


Corp-pop

Hardcorp, surely


Corpcore
posted by pullayup at 5:26 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


1991 was still very much the 80s.

Looking back at it, it's amazing how 80s that movie is, while obviously trying to be so ahead of it's time.
posted by aspo at 5:26 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Pronounced "core-core" I suppose
posted by pullayup at 5:27 PM on April 15, 2015


Gorton's Birdman?

Arrr! It's important to me! Alright, Matey? Maybe not to you, or your cynical friends whose only ambition is to go fishin'. But to me... To me... this isn't - Cod. This is my Chicken Cordon Bleu! This is my chance to do some work that actually means something. Sizzlarrrrrr!!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:27 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Only corporate needs could spec pure late-1960s "Up With People" Production values in 1991 ?
posted by Fupped Duck at 5:29 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


"It's a restaurant within a restaurant."

BEHOLD THE MIGHTY RECURSIVE MIRACLE OF THE SIZZLER! THE HIEROPHANT OF THE CHEESY TOAST WILL DELIVER ITS ENDLESS BOUNTY FOREVER AND EVER AND WHEN YOU WISH TO ESCAPE YOU MAY ENTER THE RESTAURANT WITHIN SANCTUM SANTORUM AND PARTAKE OF THE BARS ITALIAN DESERT AND SALAD, BUT BEWARE GREED IS A SIN THAT IS REPRESENTED BY EXCEEDING THE ONE PERMITTED BOWL OF RITUAL AND LORE, AND YOU MAY BE BANISHED TO THE HELL OF ICEBERG LETTUCE AND DESSICATED CARROT SHREDS IF YOU EXCEED THE GRACE OF THE SIZZLER; OH UNREPENTANT ONE THE GOD OF SIZZLER SEES THROUGH YOUR BIG HAIR TO YOUR INNERMOST SHAME. MERICA, MERICA, FREEDOM FROM GASTRIC BYPASS. I probably shouldn't post on tax day.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:29 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


1991 was still very much the 80s.

Looking back at it, it's amazing how 80s that movie is, while obviously trying to be so ahead of it's time.


Entering adulthood at the end of the 80s, it felt to me that by the late 80s, people were tired of the 80s, and its growing fascination for the 60s, so we rushed screaming headlong into the 90s. There was a huge "fuck the 80s" reactive force that made it feel like pop culture, for wont of better ideas, put a lot of effort into some directions that were just the 80s turned up to 11. The early 90s especially. A kind of disavowal in the form of amplifying it.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 5:38 PM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


Gahhhhhhh that cellphone at 1:29. Nothing has shocked me into realizing how old I am more than seeing that thing; we are now as far from 1991 today as 1991 was from 1967. All of this guy's music was probably still on cassettes! The USSR still existed! All you young'uns must think this is so ridiculous! Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
posted by argonauta at 5:39 PM on April 15, 2015 [11 favorites]


Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane: “Entering adulthood at the end of the 80s, it felt to me that by the late 80s, people were tired of the 80s, and its growing fascination for the 60s, so we rushed screaming headlong into the 90s. There was a huge "fuck the 80s" reactive force that made it feel like pop culture, for wont of better ideas, put a lot of effort into some directions that were just the 80s turned up to 11. The early 90s especially. A kind of disavowal in the form of amplifying it.”
“The '90s are going to make the '60s look like the '50s.”
posted by ob1quixote at 5:50 PM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


10. What do you think Sizzler wine tastes like? "Hot yellow Gummi Bears," probably, right? Do you think they call it Wizzler? I would.
Heh.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 5:58 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


I was six in 1991 and we went to Sizzler quite a lot (they had newspaper coupons.) I returned recently to one of the two in Daly City that are across the street from each other (apparently they are both so busy they fight for the top spot in the company every week) and was very disappointed in how much worse they are. We brought a friend from overseas to come taste one of the epitomes of American cuisine, and had to explain how it had changed. (Hometown Buffet still rules.)

Anyway, relic of the 90's: Sizzler is the last place I ever heard anyone ask us "Smoking or non?"
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:05 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Corp-pop

The mere fact that you call it that tells me you're not ready.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 6:05 PM on April 15, 2015 [9 favorites]


I mean, yeah, corporate videos always lag the latest fashions by 5–10 years. It wasn't until 1998 that you started seeing major restaurant chains using oiled Statham in their training videos.
posted by mubba at 6:05 PM on April 15, 2015 [10 favorites]


Sys Rq: no Jesus Jones?
posted by ctmf at 6:07 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


i used to work as a busboy at American Steak House, which was kind of a bargain version of Sizzler, when I was 15. FWIW.
posted by jonmc at 6:10 PM on April 15, 2015


Corporate Headquarters: Santa Mira, California.🍀
posted by clavdivs at 6:11 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: a nightmare carnival of humiliating cluelessness and shameful cultural mores
posted by brundlefly at 6:30 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


1:32 until a non-white person comes in.

Dude, spoilers.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:31 PM on April 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


I graduated college in 1989, yet there isn't a single song on the list of 1991 hits that I like. What the hell was I listening to in 1991?
posted by COD at 6:33 PM on April 15, 2015


I graduated college in 1989, yet there isn't a single song on the list of 1991 hits that I like. What the hell was I listening to in 1991?

I don't know your tastes, but the albums were a lot more interesting. (Also: R.E.M..)
posted by argonauta at 6:41 PM on April 15, 2015


I graduated college in... [buzzes in] was it Bob Marley?
posted by ctmf at 6:42 PM on April 15, 2015 [8 favorites]


There is a very small number of people whose songwriting skills I would commit acts of dark magic and psychic vampirism in order to steal, and Per Gessle is one of them. But please don't ask me to defend anything else on that list, good lord.
posted by Wolfdog at 6:43 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Serious question: where would this have been shown? Surely not on television—buying five-minute spots would be exorbitantly expensive, and few stations would be willing to sell them.

It's aimed squarely at a consumer audience, not Sizzler employees or industry folks. So where the hell were they planning to screen this?

I'm pretty sure I've never been to a Sizzler. Judging from the food in that video, I don't think I missed anything.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:46 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


I was a teenager in 1991, and I mostly listened to rap, with a little (some of my pals preferred) indie and punk and metal and industrial and classic-rock thrown in.
posted by box at 6:48 PM on April 15, 2015


(And now I see why I've never been to a Sizzler: currently, at least, there are only two on my coast.)
posted by escape from the potato planet at 6:48 PM on April 15, 2015


If anyone has a crush on the captain they should note that the rod in the girl's hands is only suitable for ponds. She probably got yanked out of the boat by a Wahoo, but they won't tell you about that.

I also imagine Robyn Hitchcock and the Egyptians playing this unknowing crowd.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 6:52 PM on April 15, 2015


It's an internal corporate video meant to be shown at big meeting, conventions, HQ pep rallies, etc. also known as a mantra, a rallying cry , and other corporate bullshit words. Possibly for investors or shareholders. This was not meant to be consumer facing. I imagine this was shown to a captive audience , then the new head honcho would come onstage and give a speech. I've worked on many corporate videos like this, yet none so cheesy.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 6:54 PM on April 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Hit post too soon. The audience in that vid seems similar to the diners.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 6:57 PM on April 15, 2015


80's started when Frank Zappa got a haircut
posted by thelonius at 6:58 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Most likely a Yamaha DX7. It does other things, but this tinkly treacle is all the corporate crapmasters made it do for a whole decade.

I seem to recall reading that something like 90% of DX7s that were sent in for service had never had any user patches saved.
posted by Foosnark at 7:24 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


America's Longest Salad Bar, Second-Longest Sneeze Guard.
posted by mon-ma-tron at 7:27 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Sys Rq: no Jesus Jones?

Look, there is a time and a place for Jesus Jones, alright?
posted by Sys Rq at 7:36 PM on April 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


Apparently in 1991 visible minorities just didn't know about steak or steak-eatery-establishments. Well, maybe visible minorities knew about these types of restaurants but for whatever reason, corporate doesn't give a fuck about this particular demographic.

In 1991 Milwaukee, this minority passed by your Sizzlers and your Ponderosas and went to Scända House! Of course, there was the whole E. coli thing on the South side a few years later which probably didn't help Sizzler any...
posted by droplet at 7:42 PM on April 15, 2015


Look, there is a time and a place for Jesus Jones, alright?

Right here, right now?
posted by Flashman at 7:46 PM on April 15, 2015 [28 favorites]


Oh, gosh, that was terrific. They set focus group results to music, and highlighted key words according to participant input: 1.) Freedom, 2.) Choices, 3.) America... and threw in quality and value, plus grill, buffet and combos.

This is unique and bold. All across America. Every day. A marketing revolution. Also freedom in your life, because a wide selection. Choices. Patriots eat here.

So much freedom. Also choices. Also bold and unique.

To tie it all together, they whisper "Sizzler!" at the end, like the evil clown talking from the drain.

+1 Would eat there, absolutely, even if it kills me, which it just might.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 7:57 PM on April 15, 2015 [6 favorites]




Long, long ago on the David Letterman show, Michael McKean (and this is going back almost to his Spinal Tap days) and Marcia Strassman appeared in a parody of a corporate promotional video...
posted by George_Spiggott at 8:38 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


hellojed: "The whispered "Sizzler" at the very end ties it together"

***Wehrenberg!***
posted by notsnot at 8:41 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


I was surprised to not see "Losing My Religion" in Sys Rq's list.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:41 PM on April 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why does this video give me flashbacks to that IHOP commercial (ca 1969)?
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:46 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


RONALD WILSON REAGAN!!!

GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH!!!

This was the moment when my ideals as a Young American were destroyed for good. GO SIZZLER!!! DELICIOUS SAUCE!!!
posted by mississippi at 9:39 PM on April 15, 2015


Sizzler. Believe in a smiling god.

So Sizzler is a subsidiary of StrexCorp then?
posted by e-man at 9:58 PM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


So, 1991? Right around the time of the First Gulf War? That would explain the super-duper patriotic American vibe - along with the wholesome, handsome sailor sharing a wholesome, chaste kiss with his wholesome, pretty girlfriend as the wholesome, deadly aircraft carrier looms in the background...
posted by e-man at 10:02 PM on April 15, 2015 [9 favorites]


Well, I'm proud to be an American
Where the refill's always free
And I don't have to ask
The waitress twice
To top up my iced tea
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:26 PM on April 15, 2015 [15 favorites]


The guy behind the Sizzler voice is all about choices. Like the choice whether or not to put the lotion in the basket.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:38 PM on April 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


...and I'll proudly
STAND UP
Next to her
And I will refuse to pay!
Service ain't worthwhile
Without no smile
GOD BLESS THE U.S.A.
!!!!!!!!!
posted by Navelgazer at 10:46 PM on April 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


It puts the lotion in the basket, or it gets the grease again...
posted by Windopaene at 11:03 PM on April 15, 2015


Okay… see… Sizzler was sort of the Chipotle of the '70s and '80s. More upscale than fast food, less upscale than a regular sit-down place. Near where we lived in Atlanta, there just wasn't a family-friendly place you could go on a weeknight and get a steak for a reasonable price.

They also had awesome french fries, or at least I thought so as a kid. Big steak fries, but still crisp on the outside and tender in the middle. They probably fried them at least partially in beef fat.

They screwed themselves when they started with the buffet, which I guess was the mid-'80s. I have a sneaking suspicion it's focus-group syndrome run amok. They'd have a survey company ask some poor schmuck at the mall, "Would you want hot appetizers in addition to salad at the salad bar?" and most people would say yes, of course. So some vice president says, "68% of respondents want hot appetizers at the salad bar, so let's do that." They essentially stopped selling steaks entirely because people stopped ordering them after that.

All of which is to say that, by the time this video came out, they were already doomed as a national chain.
posted by ob1quixote at 12:02 AM on April 16, 2015 [6 favorites]


Holy shit that woman at 2:16 with the ice cream INSTANTLY made me think of Illana from broad city. Just, 90s hair Illana. Like i could even see that show parodying this.

I'm going to make a prediction that this video is going to become a stupid meme and we're going to see a bunch of parodies, actually. It's like too many cooks but straightfaced.

I am convinced that song (minus the vocals) is a MIDI.

I hear the dueling banjos of 80s and 90s television failure. A DX7, something like a korg M1 or roland D50*, and some E-mu emax/ensoniq type sampler with a bunch of factory string patches at a vintage hilariously low bitrate.

Most vaporwavey stuff nails the tubular FM piano sound, but skips over the cheesy flutes and strings from the half-assed sampler keyboards that were a mainstay of this stuff.

I'm curious as hell to see what synthy sounds of the 2000s become classic of-that-era stuff in a couple decades. Other than "generic dubstep wobble", or that BWAAAAA in movie trailers.

*If you look at the wiki for this keyboard, you'll see that some of its sounds are actually such tropes that they were added to the general midi sound set. They sound a lot less.... bright, full, and campy on other keyboards though. Much more toy like, and less of that era.
posted by emptythought at 12:46 AM on April 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


I feel like Rush missed a trick by not recording an instrumental called "Paula Abdul Paula Abdul"
posted by Wolfdog at 3:54 AM on April 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Near where we lived in Atlanta, there just wasn't a family-friendly place you could go on a weeknight and get a steak for a reasonable price.

What about Ponderosa? Steak and Ale? Western Sizzilin' Steakhouse?
posted by thelonius at 4:10 AM on April 16, 2015


Pretty sure I saw The Mayor from Buffy right around 2:12
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 6:15 AM on April 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


Bud Harrelson, shortstop for the Mets, signed a baseball for me in the Sizzler in Floral Park, NY the season after the Mets won the World Series. Oh, and I guess they had steaks too but I don't really recall them quite as easily.
posted by tommasz at 10:57 AM on April 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


I have never been to a Sizzler. Could someone please explain the toast? (I'm on a keto, bread-free diet. Pity me.)
posted by theredpen at 4:36 PM on April 16, 2015


I have never been to a Sizzler. Could someone please explain the toast?
It's simple; you raise your yellow-wine-filled glasses, exchange a coquettish glance, and then whisper "Sizzler!" as you clink them together.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:47 PM on April 16, 2015 [7 favorites]


Gross. At least I am not craving bread any more, or really food of any kind ever again.
posted by theredpen at 4:50 PM on April 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


Sizzler Toast
posted by Room 641-A at 4:53 PM on April 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


I have never been to a Sizzler. Could someone please explain the toast? (I'm on a keto, bread-free diet. Pity me.)

"not sold toasted as the name implies"
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 4:53 PM on April 16, 2015


This video was good, but it's no Hot Drinks from the Wendy's R&B/Hiphop training tapes. Grill Skills is also very good musically, and plays with the movie within a movie concept. It's a bold move for what could be a dead and soulless commercial work, and shows that art can flourish in a capitalist postmodern society.
ˢᶦᶻᶻᶫᵉʳ
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:08 PM on April 16, 2015




Sizzler Toast
1. Melt the butter in a small saucepan in the microwave.

Danger! Danger Will Robinson!

posted by mikelieman at 5:20 PM on April 16, 2015 [10 favorites]


Well that explains the screams coming from the kitchen.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:06 PM on April 16, 2015


it's no Hot Drinks from the Wendy's R&B/Hiphop training tapes. Grill Skills is also very good musically...

Those are fantastic. I wish everything I had to learn was presented in a Hot Drinks fashion; phat beats really help with the retention.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:23 PM on April 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Yes, Virginia, Chili CAN Be Served With Cheese
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:26 PM on April 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


That recipe for Sizzler cheese toast is only enhanced by the comments.
4 teaspoons Kraft grated Parmesan cheese
don't use disgusting non tasty kraft cheese use something better like Italian cheese or French.
better than that pre-made frozen stuff
BRB, throwing away my smegma-in-a-green-can and replacing it with some grated "French" cheese.
posted by Nelson at 6:57 PM on April 16, 2015


I came here cause I was gonna post this. It is a thing of such horrific beauty. I have never been so proud to be an American with Choices as I am here, in 1991 forever.
posted by not_on_display at 10:51 PM on April 16, 2015


There is a Sizzler within walking distance of my house.

I have never gone there, not even once.
But it's popular for lunch with pensioners and families, especially now Sizzler has eradicated that 'lil Salmonella issue.

Also, from Esquire:
Meet the Guy Behind the Song in That Sizzler Ad - Talking with Stan Beard about the cheesy 1991 promo and the demise of the commercial jingle. By Dave Holmes

But do you really want to get to the truth?
posted by Mezentian at 10:56 PM on April 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


Given enough time, I think in a five-minute time frame, I could have an entire stadium of people singing this.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 11:51 AM on April 18, 2015


Except that one section, the hold outs, who wait to mass whisper "Sizzler" at the end.
posted by Mezentian at 3:54 PM on April 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


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