schlongsnuggler
April 23, 2015 9:21 AM   Subscribe

ORCWANKER - "A generator of excellent swears. Text is NSFW, obviously." From Mefi's own NoraReed and juv3nal, via mefi projects.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome (69 comments total) 34 users marked this as a favorite
 
Took me a second to parse "hamanus". I know it by its other name, imitation calamari.
posted by johnnydummkopf at 9:30 AM on April 23, 2015 [7 favorites]


Nothing tops "douchelord".
posted by Ratio at 9:31 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I was trying a Kala U-bass in a store and a guy came up all excitedly asking if you can "thump" on it. Basswanker!
You can't. He tried, after I put it down. It sounded like throwing a brick at wet cardboard.
posted by thelonius at 9:31 AM on April 23, 2015


I dunno, dorkdildo may actually turn out to be a needed part of my vocabulary.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:32 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


turdforeskin

Santorum strikes again...
posted by romakimmy at 9:32 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


A "dongdonut" sounds like some sort of kegel weight.
posted by zombieflanders at 9:34 AM on April 23, 2015


got "pissspasm" on the first try, the perfect word to mutter through clenched teeth (try it! it's fun!)
posted by everybody had matching towels at 9:43 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


My favorite so far is 'nunboner.'
posted by ActionPopulated at 9:47 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


My favorite so far is 'nunboner.'

It's like, how much more Boner could this be? And the answer is Nun. Nun more Boner.
posted by Ratio at 9:50 AM on April 23, 2015 [11 favorites]


I think the "nun" prefix came out of mefi insult jazz.
posted by NoraReed at 9:52 AM on April 23, 2015


STARWANKER
posted by The Whelk at 9:52 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I got as far as "taintdork" and decided that was probably the best one I could hope for.
posted by selfnoise at 9:59 AM on April 23, 2015


"Yiffwookie" is terrifyingly perfect.
posted by yeolcoatl at 10:00 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


This is great! I've been looking for some new swears.

Here, you can have my old one: turd fondler.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:01 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


"Wanktoucher." Pleasingly tautological.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:04 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


(Likewise "asshemorrhoid.")
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:06 AM on April 23, 2015


A generator of excellent swears USERNAMES.
posted by Dr-Baa at 10:06 AM on April 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


Dammit, now I have to find a way to work "schlongcanada" into my everyday conversation.
posted by firechicago at 10:06 AM on April 23, 2015


After wankllama, I got the sublime perfection of fishfucker.
Then I quit, because after you win the lottery, do you go out and buy more lottery tickets?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 10:06 AM on April 23, 2015


I would like to put forth that "assartist" is not, in fact, an insult.
posted by 256 at 10:12 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I got the sublime perfection of fishfucker.

Scooped by 14 years.
posted by buoys in the hood at 10:13 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


this is why i did not guarantee them to be insulting; occasionally excellent swears are needed for other reasons as well
posted by NoraReed at 10:13 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


If anyone needs ideas for Metafilter registration/names.
posted by Fizz at 10:14 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


I reject previous perfections in favor of "donggarçon."
posted by automatic cabinet at 10:22 AM on April 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


I got "boopboner", which is perfect and not an insult because now I'm imagining a penis that goes *boop!* in an adorable way when it becomes erect. Thank you metafilter.
posted by naju at 10:23 AM on April 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


"scumcanada"

Hey!
posted by Kabanos at 10:24 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Dammit, now I have to find a way to work "schlongcanada" into my everyday conversation.

Oh simple, that's the part of Canada between Michigan and Ohio that is trying to penetrate Illinois.
posted by Nanukthedog at 10:25 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


"Pissbutter" paints a tangy picture.

Also, say that 5 times fast
posted by Beardman at 10:27 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


I amazed at how many of these would be good band names.
posted by Thistledown at 10:29 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Kaleanus! Probably unpleasant but healthy.
posted by ignignokt at 10:30 AM on April 23, 2015


First thing's first: This is awesome, and I thank you for it.

Second thing: The tip jar doesn't work for me, and I would like to tip.

Third thing: If I want to use fridgehumper in my writing, do I need to, like, license it?
posted by Mooski at 10:36 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: I amazed at how many of these would be good band user names.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:37 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


...and cumburgler. There may be others. Name your price.
posted by Mooski at 10:37 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


"Nutelbow" just brings to mind chocolate spread put in odd places.
posted by ChuraChura at 10:47 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Taintwelcher. When you owe someone's taint money, but renege on the deal.
posted by T.D. Strange at 10:48 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Frostscrotum. What I got the time I locked myself out of the house in January.
posted by T.D. Strange at 10:49 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


WANKHAMSTER!!! I want my very own wankhamster!

(Why are you looking at me like that?)
posted by cstross at 10:53 AM on April 23, 2015 [9 favorites]


Rude
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:53 AM on April 23, 2015


Germanword
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:58 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Felchtemplar!
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:08 AM on April 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


No, wait, FARTMELEE.

That's not a swear, that's a challenge.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:09 AM on April 23, 2015 [7 favorites]


poopbiscuit. It is perfect. (but I'm usually a little more vulgar)
posted by Sophie1 at 11:09 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Is it just me or do a lot of the words sound like names from the MST3K'd Space Mutiny?

Buff Drinklots! Big McLargehuge! Nutt Fondler! Kale Bastard! Blast Hardcheese! Bone Felcher!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:09 AM on April 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Insufficient and incomplete if it cannot generate douchetruck.
posted by carsonb at 11:17 AM on April 23, 2015


Dammit, now I have to find a way to work "schlongcanada" into my everyday conversation.

Oh simple, that's the part of Canada between Michigan and Ohio that is trying to penetrate Illinois.


Or, there's always Dildo, Newfoundland.
posted by Kabanos at 11:22 AM on April 23, 2015


"booppecker"

*boop*

...ow.
posted by JohnFromGR at 11:41 AM on April 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


DOUCHEHOBBIT.

Thank you for this word.
posted by metasav at 11:44 AM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Oh goodie. More gendered insults. Just what we all need.
posted by merelyglib at 11:44 AM on April 23, 2015


fjordanus: for when you have a long, deep cleft riven between two large, steep surrounding landmasses
taintresurrection: when you get this, know you need to go in for another Brazilian wax
cummalware: stop visiting that kind of website without antivirus
swordbollocks: not one pommel, but two!
beerforeskin: time to leave the party. Now.

schlongbuffalo... I got nothin'
posted by jammer at 11:57 AM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


HOA politics-Douchelord is doing it for me, I will use this within the month.
posted by Oyéah at 12:03 PM on April 23, 2015


WANKHAMSTER!!! I want my very own wankhamster!

♬ wankhamster, wankhamster, hamst me a wank... ♫
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:03 PM on April 23, 2015 [7 favorites]


ARYANUS, this just came to me, erection politics aside, election politics, I mean.
posted by Oyéah at 12:07 PM on April 23, 2015


I pass time by calling my puggle names; well, more like ask him if he IS something, like:

"Hey Nugget, are you a stump humper?"
"Hey Nugget, are you a butt guru?"
"Hey Nugget, are you a waffle catcher?"
"Hey Nugget, are you realistic jiggle physics?"
"Hey Nugget, are you a Corn Snack Experience?"
"Hey Nugget, are you an express loaf?"
"Hey Nugget, are you a dangle wrangler?"
"Hey Nugget, are you a wiener cleaner?"


The answer is always yes, of course he is
posted by jake at 12:14 PM on April 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


Swainfucker.


I'm done.
posted by cromagnon at 1:05 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


mmmkay...
first of all, any swears ending in "boner" I always prefer to be spelled "boehner".

so here are the highlights of my reloadings...

batfucker
(something you can call both Catwoman and Robin)

fartbollocks
(oooh, a little UK flavour)

cumhamster
(I think you can do anything -hamster and it'd be funny)

scumbutterfly
(if you've ever been in Pismo Grove during the Monarch Butterfly season, you would appreciate this)

snotfelcher
(I think that was the real last name of one of my high school teachers... or very close... he never got any respect from the students)

sploogeresurrection
(wasn't that the title of a Matrix porn parody?)

dinoforeskin
(now I'm imagining a scene in Jurassic World in which Chris Pratt gives a mutant raptor a vasectomy... another summer movie ruined)

butthamster
(okay, I've hit my second hamster; time to quit)
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:32 PM on April 23, 2015


yifflawyer

haha what
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:01 PM on April 23, 2015


"Grudgefuckers"
So cool.
posted by clavdivs at 3:12 PM on April 23, 2015


I think I fixed the tip jar, thanks for pointing it out, Mooski! And feel free to use these wherever you want, I don't think I could own them even if I wanted to? I mean, if you want to give credit or a link or whatever that would be neat, but it is 100% not obligatory.

I'm so excited to have made something to have made it to a FPP; I've been trying really hard to get a bunch of projects up and running; I'm just sort of throwing balls at the wall right now to see what people are interested in reading/watching/etc, but I really want to be One Of Those People Who Makes Cool Stuff On The Internet as at least, like, a part-time gig. So I'm actually a bit emotional about all of you enjoying and using my swears. :'D
posted by NoraReed at 3:45 PM on April 23, 2015 [10 favorites]


Priestbollocks!
Scumbuffalo!
Douchecanada!
Copdildo!

Integrating these into my vocabulary immediately.
posted by rhiannonstone at 4:13 PM on April 23, 2015


Oh my gods, this is so good. I'm forwarding it left, right, and centre to all my discriminating friends who are still in touch with their inner 10 year olds.
posted by kaymac at 6:09 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


fartgolem

Heh Heh.
posted by kaymac at 6:12 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


cstross: "WANKHAMSTER!!! I want my very own wankhamster!

(Why are you looking at me like that?)
"

They ARE nifty, but the duct tape expenses quickly overwhelms one's finances.
posted by Samizdata at 7:16 PM on April 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Douchelicker.
posted by Westringia F. at 7:57 PM on April 23, 2015


Who started this felchpesto post?


It's FULLY AWESOME!
posted by BlueHorse at 8:50 PM on April 23, 2015


nerdhumper.

guilty as charged.
posted by emelenjr at 9:15 PM on April 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm sure most of these are already taken as usernames on reddit.
posted by guy72277 at 7:09 AM on April 24, 2015


emelenjr: "nerdhumper.

guilty as charged.
"

Wanna start a support group together?
posted by Samizdata at 10:25 AM on April 24, 2015


"Buttmineral" is my new favorite word.
posted by SisterHavana at 12:37 AM on April 25, 2015


firechicago: Dammit, now I have to find a way to work "schlongcanada" into my everyday conversation.

Helpless in the face of the compulsion to sing this to the tune of Blame Canada.
posted by pseudonymph at 6:34 PM on April 25, 2015


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