Do the hokey pokie
April 26, 2015 12:54 PM   Subscribe

When you're sitting on the couch in your snuggie, do you ever wish you could be having sex? When you're having sex, do you ever wish you could be wearing your snuggie? Now you can with the Pokie! Comes with the exclusive Pokie Sutra.
posted by jeather (72 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
Nokie.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:58 PM on April 26, 2015 [16 favorites]


"Snuggie" and "sex" never really went together in my mind.
posted by MoonOrb at 12:58 PM on April 26, 2015 [6 favorites]


The Blanket With Sleeves Down There
posted by murphy slaw at 1:00 PM on April 26, 2015 [4 favorites]


The one 'for him' seems a little closed minded.
posted by fistynuts at 1:02 PM on April 26, 2015 [9 favorites]


"One size fits most". Do I even have to make the joke?
posted by immlass at 1:04 PM on April 26, 2015 [2 favorites]


I would love to hear the conversation when they asked people to pose for those photos.
posted by FallowKing at 1:16 PM on April 26, 2015


Karl Lagerfeld once said, “Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.” The Pokie isn't just an admission that you've lost control, it's wallowing in it. Add some fredagsmys to the equation and we might as well bring the Fascists back.

I'm ordering two.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:17 PM on April 26, 2015 [8 favorites]


To see if these are truly useful we need to see the rear view.
posted by chavenet at 1:19 PM on April 26, 2015 [7 favorites]


When you're sitting on the couch in your snuggie, do you ever wish you could be having sex?

No. Unless it's with a man made out of chocolate.
posted by billiebee at 1:30 PM on April 26, 2015 [5 favorites]


"Snuggie" and "sex" never really went together in my mind.

And that's why you aren't an entrepreneur like the creators of the Pokie.
posted by jeather at 1:38 PM on April 26, 2015 [6 favorites]


Someone needs to explain "The Shared Dominion" position to me, because it looks like the pink stick figure is sitting on the blue stick figure's lap while the blue stick figure sticks his entire arm directly through her back and out her upper right torso.
posted by deludingmyself at 1:38 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Blue pokie's right hand is groping pink pokie, and his left hand is waving to the audience.
posted by jeather at 1:40 PM on April 26, 2015


Ok, let me get this straight. It is Sunday morning. I am hungover. I am on my couch with my snuggie. I have a 64oz bottle of Diet Coke and a bag of half eaten Doritos on the coffee table in front of me. Suddenly, I think to myself, "Self, time to get hard and poke someone or something. Wish I had a pocket in the front of this thing."

Not going to happen. This is solving a non-existent problem.
posted by AugustWest at 1:42 PM on April 26, 2015 [8 favorites]


Finally, an idea that sounds as bad as the name "slanket."
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:49 PM on April 26, 2015 [10 favorites]


Oh, I could have used this last Saturday. Way to keep me informed in a timely manner Mefi!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:57 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


The stick figures are deeply creepy with those awful smiles coupled with those positions.
posted by Ik ben afgesneden at 1:58 PM on April 26, 2015


"intimacy holes"
posted by item at 2:00 PM on April 26, 2015 [13 favorites]


Why is the blue person perched like a koala and dry humping the magenta person in the kidney? Nothing at all about that position seems appealing.

Also, you can click the pictures. Don't click the pictures!

Definitely click the pictures!
posted by Banknote of the year at 2:01 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Ohhh the figure hiding behind the chair is making a "shhh" gesture with his index finger and puffing his cheeks out. I thought he was sucking his thumb and crying.
posted by XMLicious at 2:07 PM on April 26, 2015 [3 favorites]


Also, calling a position "The Shared Dominion" just makes me think of Rick Perry, which is about as much of a mood-killer as I can imagine. Even if they were thinking of "The Old Dominion," that is still not arousing. And "Pig in a Pokie" is not working for me either.

Also, what is up with those pictures? It's like they are saying "Having sex in a Pokie means having sex while wearing a Pokie. Or after taking it off. Whatever." Way to sell the product, guys.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:10 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


What my life was always missing was a way to mainstream having sex in wizard robes. Thanks, Pokie!
posted by books for weapons at 2:13 PM on April 26, 2015 [10 favorites]


How easy is it to clean a snuggie? Cause the front of them will be the wet spot.
posted by AugustWest at 2:14 PM on April 26, 2015


I know that mentioning "bad taste" regarding the Pokie is pissing in the ocean. But the first illustration in the Pokie Sutra, illustrating "Bed. Peace. Poke." is a parody of? hommage to? pointless allusion to? the Annie Leibovitz portrait of John/Yoko that she took the day he was murdered, and, well, come on now.
posted by the sobsister at 2:16 PM on April 26, 2015 [3 favorites]


I am hungover. I am on my couch with my snuggie. I have a 64oz bottle of Diet Coke and a bag of half eaten Doritos on the coffee table in front of me. Suddenly, I think to myself, "Self, time to get hard and poke someone or something. Wish I had a pocket in the front of this thing."

Seems to me like people who are hangover horny are the only possible market for this thing. I remember spending a lot of Saturday mornings in my younger days with no energy, no self respect and a desperate urge to fuck.

Basically if these came with a greaseproof bacon pouch and a rolling mat they'd be perfect.
posted by howfar at 2:17 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


I put on my pokie and wizard hat.
posted by books for weapons at 2:18 PM on April 26, 2015 [20 favorites]


"convenience slot"
posted by echocollate at 2:19 PM on April 26, 2015 [2 favorites]


Oh, I could have used this last Saturday. Way to keep me informed in a timely manner Mefi!

Blame the mods, I wasn't allowed to post it until today because it had an ongoing kickstarter (which failed). Silenced all my life etc etc.
posted by jeather at 2:50 PM on April 26, 2015 [3 favorites]


This was a Kickstarter? Oh if only I'd known! I have so much extra money I wish I'd had the chance to give some to the "fuck in your snuggie" people. Wait...I've just remembered, none of that sentence is true.
posted by billiebee at 3:05 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


That is one of the saddest Kickstarters I've seen, on so many levels. $112 pledged of a $5,000 goal.
posted by Banknote of the year at 3:10 PM on April 26, 2015 [5 favorites]


Is it past time for super-intelligent cockroaches or whatever to take over and mankind to die off?
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:15 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


One can but hope.
posted by billiebee at 3:26 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


I think I'm not the only one who learned from the Upright Citizens Brigade that I can do anything I want through a hole in the sheet
posted by DoctorFedora at 3:50 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Hugh Hefner Artic Wear.
posted by clavdivs at 3:52 PM on April 26, 2015


"Greaseproof bacon pouch". Heh.
posted by Paul Slade at 3:55 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


equipped with removable INTIMACY HOLES

H-...how do you remove a hole? Do you fill it in? With what? What do you fill an intimacy hole with to the point that it is no longer a hole?
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:26 PM on April 26, 2015 [11 favorites]


Yeah, because nothing is quite a turn on than a smelly piece of flannel that should have been put in the wash two months ago, has lint balls, and guacamole and processed cheese stains all over it.

Forget 50 Shades -- this contraption is for the true sexual masochist!
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 4:26 PM on April 26, 2015


THIS IS CLEARLY MURDER!
posted by Fizz at 4:26 PM on April 26, 2015


Metafilter: no energy, no self respect and a desperate urge to fuck.
posted by Pink Frost at 4:33 PM on April 26, 2015 [11 favorites]


I'm confused. How is the female "intimacy hole" supposed to work? It doesn't seem like a frontal window to the mons pubis really gives useful access for PIV sex. Maybe oral stimulation of the clitoris, but not shameful snuggie sex. And the lack of back entrance holes for either sex seems shortsighted -- doing a major disservice to men (both gay and open-minded straight ones) and women alike. Furthermore, it seems like the front convenience slot gives very little clearance unless you have a monster dong; your standard 5 or 6 incher probably barely sticks out of the pocket, and it's a tacit insult to anyone smaller. I understand that this isn't really meant to make you look attractive while you do the deed, but you can't really do the deed at all if your perfectly average member can't even get clearance. No wonder this garbage product didn't get funded.

On the other hand I would still be interested in a porno featuring these things in the same way I would be interested in watching a trainwreck happen.
posted by Gymnopedist at 4:48 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Please take your Gymnopedi-version elsewhere. "Anyone smaller." Good day to you!
posted by sneebler at 5:07 PM on April 26, 2015


i am "anyone smaller"
posted by Gymnopedist at 5:12 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Several years ago we lived in a cold apartment and my wife invested in a real old-school union suit. She modeled it for me and I pointed out the flap on the back was "an access panel". "Yeah, I'm thinking of sewing that shut so I can get a good night's sleep". No sense of fun that one.
posted by Ber at 5:55 PM on April 26, 2015 [6 favorites]


If they had these in somewhat darker tones, you could explain them to children and nosy visitors as Game of Thrones costumes in progress.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:31 PM on April 26, 2015


The furries solved this problem long ago. "Strategically placed holes," or SPHs for short, they call them.
posted by ostranenie at 6:38 PM on April 26, 2015


$20 for this? That seems outrageously cheap for fetishwear.
posted by ostranenie at 6:41 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Okay, wait. Snuggies have an opening in the back, as they are basically oversized bathrobes worn backwards. The pokie has an opening in the back and "intimacy holes" in the front...so you can seductively reveal your bits with a tearaway portion of cheap fleece? And what's that pocket for? Condoms? Lube? Snacks?

If I wanted to have sex in my snuggie, I would just wear it backwards so the opening was in the front. I will never have to worry about this, as no one will ever want to have sex with me when I am wearing my snuggie.
posted by inertia at 6:45 PM on April 26, 2015 [5 favorites]


I don't get it, Big Dan.
posted by 4ster at 7:10 PM on April 26, 2015


This is why the terrorists hate us.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:26 PM on April 26, 2015 [2 favorites]


removable INTIMACY HOLES

Otherwise known as "marriage".

ZING!
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:42 PM on April 26, 2015 [2 favorites]


but I've already had an intimacy hole for years
posted by threeants at 7:45 PM on April 26, 2015


and it just hurts

lol

:'(
posted by threeants at 7:48 PM on April 26, 2015 [3 favorites]


I guess the target market for this is people who think having a couple of blankets on the couch and sharing them when they want to get busy in front of the TV is too complicated.

Thing is, I'm not sure that demographic can actually handle opening and closing that many snaps.




snark aside, the fact that they are still trying to sell these things despite their Kickstarter being a resounding failure gives me visions of the folks behind these ordering a couple thousand of each version from China before they actually launched the KS. Which is a pretty sobering thought.
posted by egypturnash at 7:49 PM on April 26, 2015


Sad, indeed. I would have backed that if they had an option to order a someone to go in another Pokie while you were wearing one.
posted by Samizdata at 7:54 PM on April 26, 2015


H-...how do you remove a hole? Do you fill it in? With what? What do you fill an intimacy hole with to the point that it is no longer a hole?

this is a far deeper question than you realized. (bonus: the dialog in the second link has been rendered as a series of xtranormal videos)
posted by NoraReed at 8:01 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


This is indeed a disturbing universe.
posted by nubs at 8:21 PM on April 26, 2015


What do you fill an intimacy hole with to the point that it is no longer a hole?

So far I can only tell you what hasn't worked, but let me know if you figure it out.

Might be worth taking this topic to AskMe, actually.
posted by nubs at 8:26 PM on April 26, 2015 [4 favorites]


... greaseproof bacon pouch ...

Pfft. Does it also come with TONGS? ... and CHICKEN?

GLOBAL CURRENCY!
posted by mon-ma-tron at 8:31 PM on April 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Linked this to my ex.

Me: http://thepokie.com/shop/ so they make a slanket with snap-off panels for bangin'
psy: that crazy fuckin gross
psy: i like how the pokie for him actually opens up more chest
psy: baby it's cold outside but i want to cover a felt blanket with spunk and girlwater
psy: just nasty that shit up with you
psy: also wouldn't that just be called the skanket.
posted by kafziel at 9:29 PM on April 26, 2015 [13 favorites]


All of the logistical problems everyone is listing with these are resolved if you ignore the attempt to pitch this as couplewear and consider these Wankets.
posted by gingerest at 12:07 AM on April 27, 2015 [2 favorites]


Maybe I'm a weirdo but I wear clothes under my snuggie...
posted by Aranquis at 12:18 AM on April 27, 2015


I am all for this if it means furries finally have an outfit -they- can mock.
posted by solarion at 6:02 AM on April 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


Someone needs to explain "The Shared Dominion" position to me, because it looks like the pink stick figure is sitting on the blue stick figure's lap while the blue stick figure sticks his entire arm directly through her back and out her upper right torso.

Right, so .... what part aren't you getting?
posted by webmutant at 8:10 AM on April 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


On the (assumedly, it's true) male Pokie, what is the pocket under the right armpit for? Facilitating axillism? A dildo pocket for when you can't find yer yogurt slinger through the multitudinous folds and pockets of the Pokie?

Also, since whenever I see fleece, I see static electricity (as well as hear and feel it), wouldn't it a good idea to wear an anti-static grounding bracelet during playtime to avoid performing scale lightning tests on what I like to call "The Burj Khalifa of the Bedroom"? Or have I just given spark (teehee) to a new fetish?
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 8:30 AM on April 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


The "about" section just makes me really sad for these people.
Inspired by the nation’s need for more female entrepreneurs, we were determined to introduce the Pokie to the world and, hopefully, to your home! As young adults eager to have our voices and ideas heard, we went after our dream – to create a product from the bottom-up. The Pokie has been funded 100% by our family, making it a true family endeavor. While one of us was finishing law school, and the other completing college, we stopped at nothing to make sure this product was perfect, innovative and FUN – just for you!

In addition, as young women who have been involved with and dedicated to the promotion of a positive self-image, informed sex life and healthy lifestyle, creating a product that had the potential to begin a conversation about sex, safe sex, healthy relationships and positive, strong self-esteem, was something from which we simply couldn’t turn away.
posted by Librarypt at 8:33 AM on April 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


The Pokie has been funded 100% by our family

so hey grandma, we had this idea for a fuckblanket and we knew you'd want to get in on the ground floor on this
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:58 AM on April 27, 2015 [12 favorites]


And what's that pocket for? Condoms? Lube? Snacks?

yes

I liked snuggies better when they were called fucking bathrobes

which fyi are much more convenient for fucking
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:08 PM on April 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


btw are they called snuggies in general? Because we call them onesies here which I always thought was because of JD in Scrubs. When I was a student we longed for onesies (or adult Babygros as we called them) and now they're everywhere. I bought my sister one for Christmas - leopard print with a little hood and cute ears and she slinked around all sexy in it (as sexy as you can be in a onesie) while my goddaughter bought me a navy argyle-patterned one and I slunk around looking like an overstuffed couch
posted by billiebee at 4:16 PM on April 27, 2015


These things look pretty voluminous. You could probably be facing the other way watching the telly and just holding a dildo/fleshlight in place while your partner gets busy through your intimacy hole. Just like a pair of bored chimps inside a big sack, still chewing branches and kind of looking around. "You like this huh?" "Yeah it's awesome, the thrusting etc., feels totes good. Shh." The self-heating Christmas stew of sex.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:26 PM on April 27, 2015 [2 favorites]


Hey Billiebee... Snuggies are sleeved blankets while Onesies are jumpsuits...
and Pokies are just WEIRD...
posted by calgirl at 11:16 PM on April 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


As young adults eager to have our voices and ideas heard, we went after our dream

How this is not a Mr. Show or Tim and Eric sketch already, I'm baffled.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:03 PM on April 28, 2015


There's a cat version, too.
posted by jeather at 1:46 PM on May 21, 2015


You just know that 95% of cats would be completely uninterested in being in the pouch, out of sheer cat contrariness.
posted by gingerest at 2:06 PM on May 21, 2015


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