Anashonde?
April 29, 2015 6:47 AM Subscribe
Nicki Minaj caused a bit of a stir with a recent performance at a taxi-tycoon's son's bar mitzvah (no one seemed to care that Hank Aaron and Andrew Cuomo were also there). But Grantland reporter Rembert Browne uncovers the real story - the complicated, intertwined relationships revealed in his in-depth sociological analysis of the after-party group photo.
after reading "at a taxi-tycoon's son's bar mitzvah (no one seemed to care that Hank Aaron and Andrew Cuomo were also there)" my brain is half-way melted already.
Just wait until you read that article then, because... wow. So much WTF.
posted by grouse at 6:52 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Just wait until you read that article then, because... wow. So much WTF.
posted by grouse at 6:52 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Rembert needs to stop trying to make #SQUAD happen
posted by DrLickies at 6:53 AM on April 29, 2015 [20 favorites]
posted by DrLickies at 6:53 AM on April 29, 2015 [20 favorites]
The Rembert piece is weird and mean-spirited. They're 8th graders.
posted by schmod at 6:54 AM on April 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by schmod at 6:54 AM on April 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
There was no Nikki when I had my own bar mitzvah of course. But if I was told to put my hand on e.g. Jody Watley's hip at the age of 13 they would have had to take me to the hospital. I'm amazed that these kids are as suave as they are.
posted by 1adam12 at 6:57 AM on April 29, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by 1adam12 at 6:57 AM on April 29, 2015 [9 favorites]
It's just a bit of #HUMOR.
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:00 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:00 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Suave? They're so goddamn rich, they expect this kind of thing to happen all the time. This is the Goldman Sachs Brokerage Training Class of 2025.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:03 AM on April 29, 2015 [27 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:03 AM on April 29, 2015 [27 favorites]
In America $300,000 -$400,000 can be spent on one boy's party, but universal healthcare is too expensive to consider because
posted by greasy_skillet at 7:04 AM on April 29, 2015 [64 favorites]
posted by greasy_skillet at 7:04 AM on April 29, 2015 [64 favorites]
My take on "Squad" is that it's an African-American, hip-hop thing that gets appropriated by whites. So here you have a hip-hop artist hired to appear at a tony bar mitzvah. Of course these knuckleheads call themselves a squad.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:06 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:06 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
From the end of the Rembert Browne piece:
posted by Wretch729 at 7:09 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
[Author’s note: Zero reporting was done on this story.]yup.
posted by Wretch729 at 7:09 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
The squad thing is coming from the author. Chill out, Cool Papa.
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:11 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:11 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm chill. Now your turn.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:12 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:12 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
In America $300,000 -$400,000 can be spent on one boy's party, but universal healthcare is too expensive to consider because
because that $300,000 - $400,000 was earned by the sweat of my brow, you goddamn communist.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 7:13 AM on April 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
because that $300,000 - $400,000 was earned by the sweat of my brow, you goddamn communist.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 7:13 AM on April 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
#squad is a common thing for youth of all races to post along with a picture either of their friends or of something silly like a bunch of corgis.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:17 AM on April 29, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:17 AM on April 29, 2015 [28 favorites]
I am really sad right now.
posted by latkes at 7:20 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by latkes at 7:20 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
The photo at the heart of the story, for those too lazy to click or read.
posted by Fizz at 7:21 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Fizz at 7:21 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
He didn't even get the hands right. One waist is Nate, the other is Evan, and the shoulder is Ben. Evan would have to be some sort of contortionist to have his hand be comfortably on her right shoulder. Left shoulder might make sense. Bradley would also be in a really odd position for the left waist hand to be his, and it looks to me like it's showing fingernails, so it's got to be coming from the other side. Also, I hate Rembert Browne more than I can say for leading me to spend so much time staring at the picture of that #SQUAD. I'm hopeful, though, that in about ten minutes I will have purged this article, that picture, and this bizarre non-story from my memory. Ugh.
posted by Dojie at 7:21 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Dojie at 7:21 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
You know, I think it's in pretty poor taste to assume that every kid in that picture comes from a rich Jewish family and is a member of the "Goldberg Sachs Brokerage Training Class of 2015," because they're at the bar mitzvah of one rich Jewish kid who they probably go to school or temple with. Do I need to draw an equivalent to other ethnic stereotypes? Would we welcome a comment in which a bunch of black kids at schoolmates party were referred to as the the Stereotypical Black Career Training Class of 2015?
In America $300,000 -$400,000 can be spent on one boy's party, but universal healthcare is too expensive to consider
The suggestion that there's some direct link between money spent on bar mitzvahs and the lack of universal healthcare beyond the general dysfunction of our society and economy is farcical, but if you really want to make it, Jews in New York with prominent Democrats on their guest list probably aren't the right folks to complain about.
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:22 AM on April 29, 2015 [33 favorites]
In America $300,000 -$400,000 can be spent on one boy's party, but universal healthcare is too expensive to consider
The suggestion that there's some direct link between money spent on bar mitzvahs and the lack of universal healthcare beyond the general dysfunction of our society and economy is farcical, but if you really want to make it, Jews in New York with prominent Democrats on their guest list probably aren't the right folks to complain about.
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:22 AM on April 29, 2015 [33 favorites]
The word squad seems to be a 'thing' right now with the teens... my 15-year-old and her friends use it all the time, as in, "I want to be in the Uncrustables® Squad but I don't like grape jelly..." and then there's an instagram post of them eating said Uncrustables® with the tag #squad.*
*This is an actual thing that happened.
What PA said.
posted by Huck500 at 7:23 AM on April 29, 2015 [19 favorites]
*This is an actual thing that happened.
What PA said.
posted by Huck500 at 7:23 AM on April 29, 2015 [19 favorites]
That's not Brad's hand, it's Evan's hand. Ben's hand is on her shoulder.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:24 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:24 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I didn't know the stir behind Minaj's issues with the Jewish community, but for an artist, a gig like this is pure gold. A few songs, well-handled party patrons (even if 13-year-olds get rowdy, there's a clear escape route) and you get paid and are off the premises in time to watch The Daily Show.
posted by xingcat at 7:25 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 7:25 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
He didn't even get the hands right. One waist is Nate, the other is Evan, and the shoulder is Ben.
I was going to disagree, because he's right that I'd expect more of Ben's arm behind Evan if that were the case, but I think I can see how it works. I don't think it's obviously either way though.
Definitely didn't spend the last five minutes putting my arm around an imaginary Nicki Minaj in my office.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:31 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
I was going to disagree, because he's right that I'd expect more of Ben's arm behind Evan if that were the case, but I think I can see how it works. I don't think it's obviously either way though.
Definitely didn't spend the last five minutes putting my arm around an imaginary Nicki Minaj in my office.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:31 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
That's not Brad's hand, it's Evan's hand.
I think we'd better decide early on--before things get out of control here: is this "handgate" or "handghazi"?
posted by yoink at 7:31 AM on April 29, 2015 [17 favorites]
I think we'd better decide early on--before things get out of control here: is this "handgate" or "handghazi"?
posted by yoink at 7:31 AM on April 29, 2015 [17 favorites]
ok i'm really confused by the #SQUAD thing. why does he use it as a hashtag and in all caps throughout the article? does it stand for something?
Well, Kerbal Space Program just hit 1.0...
posted by dirigibleman at 7:33 AM on April 29, 2015
Well, Kerbal Space Program just hit 1.0...
posted by dirigibleman at 7:33 AM on April 29, 2015
I thought my bat mitzvah party was really awesome because we had a make-your-own-sundae bar in the synagogue reception room.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:37 AM on April 29, 2015 [32 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:37 AM on April 29, 2015 [32 favorites]
Woah, the kid with Nicki's hand on his face is Frederick Crane, who apparently hasn't aged at all in 20 years.
posted by dirigibleman at 7:43 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by dirigibleman at 7:43 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
I thought my bat mitzvah party was really awesome because we had a make-your-own-sundae bar in the synagogue reception room.
It was.
Having your dad pay someone to hang out with you who'd never hang out with you in real life? Plus an acoustic version of "Anaconda"? Eh, not so much.
posted by PlusDistance at 7:45 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
It was.
Having your dad pay someone to hang out with you who'd never hang out with you in real life? Plus an acoustic version of "Anaconda"? Eh, not so much.
posted by PlusDistance at 7:45 AM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
Favorited for the thread title - well played, ericbop.
posted by mosk at 7:52 AM on April 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by mosk at 7:52 AM on April 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
also, handgate because
they are using the other hand to obscure their erections.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 7:53 AM on April 29, 2015 [9 favorites]
they are using the other hand to obscure their erections.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 7:53 AM on April 29, 2015 [9 favorites]
I was not familiar with the Manaj offense in the Only video. Checked it out. The thing was not to my taste and I clicked away without seeing any Nazi regalia. Does anybody know the exact minute second point in the video where it shows up (because there is no way I am loading that thing from 0.0.0 again but I am mildly interested in calibrating my outrage-meter)?
posted by bukvich at 8:04 AM on April 29, 2015
posted by bukvich at 8:04 AM on April 29, 2015
I think the offense was largely about this logo, especially as it appears on the banners there. The whole thing is playing with fascist imagery, but I think that's the thing that's clearest.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:11 AM on April 29, 2015
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:11 AM on April 29, 2015
This is hilarious. I'm completely delighted by the recognition of the minutiae of social jockeying that "even the boys" have to do in middle school. (The shoes! Three of them are wearing the same shoes! That Matt is also wearing! Priceless!)
posted by synapse at 8:16 AM on April 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by synapse at 8:16 AM on April 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
but for an artist, a gig like this is pure gold. Seriously, these rich teenager parties are like a license to print money. Your favorite artist has done one I'm sure.
posted by The Whelk at 8:20 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 8:20 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I thought a bar mitzvah was some kind of religion thing.
Huh.
posted by freakazoid at 8:24 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Huh.
posted by freakazoid at 8:24 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
This triggered a lot of jealousy in me because:
1) It makes the typical, generic cover band who played at my Bar Mitzvah look really lame in comparison to having a major pop star as the musical entertainment
2) The Bar Mitzvah boy is way too put together. Doesn't look awkward at all. I seriously cannot even bring myself to look at my old Bar Mitzvah photos, even with nearly 30 years of distance, because it just happened to occur during the absolute height of the worst period I ever went through in terms of physical appearance, style choices, hair cut, etc. There is no nostalgia, just, "Wow, did I look terrible, no wonder girls weren't exactly lining up at my locker".
posted by The Gooch at 8:31 AM on April 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
1) It makes the typical, generic cover band who played at my Bar Mitzvah look really lame in comparison to having a major pop star as the musical entertainment
2) The Bar Mitzvah boy is way too put together. Doesn't look awkward at all. I seriously cannot even bring myself to look at my old Bar Mitzvah photos, even with nearly 30 years of distance, because it just happened to occur during the absolute height of the worst period I ever went through in terms of physical appearance, style choices, hair cut, etc. There is no nostalgia, just, "Wow, did I look terrible, no wonder girls weren't exactly lining up at my locker".
posted by The Gooch at 8:31 AM on April 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
I thought a bar mitzvah was some kind of religion thing.
Don't worry, there's a bunch of stilted recitals from the Torah and formalized scrolls-bothering and other appropriately boring stuff prior to the party with the awkward dancing and build-a-sundae bar and Nikki Minaj.
posted by cortex at 8:36 AM on April 29, 2015 [10 favorites]
Don't worry, there's a bunch of stilted recitals from the Torah and formalized scrolls-bothering and other appropriately boring stuff prior to the party with the awkward dancing and build-a-sundae bar and Nikki Minaj.
posted by cortex at 8:36 AM on April 29, 2015 [10 favorites]
Nikki Minaj appears at all Bar Mitvahs, and always has. She was at mine in the form of a Russian witch, and appeared at my younger brother's Bar Mitvah in the form of a silver yad.
posted by maxsparber at 8:38 AM on April 29, 2015 [60 favorites]
posted by maxsparber at 8:38 AM on April 29, 2015 [60 favorites]
> I thought a bar mitzvah was some kind of religion thing.
There is a distinction between the bar mitzvah ceremony, which is religious, and the reception/party afterwards, which is most certainly NOT religious. Typically the bar mitzvah ceremony takes place in the morning, and the party takes place at another location in the evening.
My brother ("the rabbi!" Our parents are so proud ;-), has some great stories to tell from when he was a rabbi in L.A. One of the best is about the time two of congregants planned to host their son's bar mitzvah reception at the Playboy Mansion, and their reception invitation featured a professionally taken photo of their 12-going-on-13-year-old son wearing a smoking jacket and being kissed by two lingerie-wearing playmates. The way the invite was written it made it look like the whole thing -- ceremony and reception -- was taking place at the Playboy Mansion, with the temple's approval and participation. That was a major party foul and the cause of a few headaches for my bro, lol, who had to explain to them that that wasn't cool. Of course, the parents were pretty tone deaf about the situation, which made it worse.
posted by mosk at 8:42 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
There is a distinction between the bar mitzvah ceremony, which is religious, and the reception/party afterwards, which is most certainly NOT religious. Typically the bar mitzvah ceremony takes place in the morning, and the party takes place at another location in the evening.
My brother ("the rabbi!" Our parents are so proud ;-), has some great stories to tell from when he was a rabbi in L.A. One of the best is about the time two of congregants planned to host their son's bar mitzvah reception at the Playboy Mansion, and their reception invitation featured a professionally taken photo of their 12-going-on-13-year-old son wearing a smoking jacket and being kissed by two lingerie-wearing playmates. The way the invite was written it made it look like the whole thing -- ceremony and reception -- was taking place at the Playboy Mansion, with the temple's approval and participation. That was a major party foul and the cause of a few headaches for my bro, lol, who had to explain to them that that wasn't cool. Of course, the parents were pretty tone deaf about the situation, which made it worse.
posted by mosk at 8:42 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
...with prominent Democrats on their guest list probably aren't the right folks to complain about.
Aren't prominent Democrats who haven't made universal healthcare happen when they had the chance exactly the ones to complain about? Why doesn't New York State have universal, single-payer healthcare yet? If poor-as-dirt Saskatchewan could do it in 1946, why hasn't rich-as-fuck New York been able to do it yet?
It's a bit of a stretch, but not much of one, to argue that a desire to spend $300,000-$400,000 on your 13-year-old is exactly why prominent Democrats haven't made it happen yet.
posted by clawsoon at 8:45 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
Aren't prominent Democrats who haven't made universal healthcare happen when they had the chance exactly the ones to complain about? Why doesn't New York State have universal, single-payer healthcare yet? If poor-as-dirt Saskatchewan could do it in 1946, why hasn't rich-as-fuck New York been able to do it yet?
It's a bit of a stretch, but not much of one, to argue that a desire to spend $300,000-$400,000 on your 13-year-old is exactly why prominent Democrats haven't made it happen yet.
posted by clawsoon at 8:45 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
Nikki Minaj appears at all Bar Mitvahs, and always has. She was at mine in the form of a Russian witch, and appeared at my younger brother's Bar Mitvah in the form of a silver yad.
During the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex Supplicants she arrived in the form of a Giant Sloar!
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:46 AM on April 29, 2015 [10 favorites]
During the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex Supplicants she arrived in the form of a Giant Sloar!
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 8:46 AM on April 29, 2015 [10 favorites]
Seriously, these rich teenager parties are like a license to print money. Your favorite artist has done one I'm sure.
I heard there was this high school kid who blew all his money hiring Van Halen to play at his birthday party.
posted by happyroach at 8:46 AM on April 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
I heard there was this high school kid who blew all his money hiring Van Halen to play at his birthday party.
posted by happyroach at 8:46 AM on April 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
prominent Democrats on their guest list
... while listening to Minaj's demented ravings about her arse, over a backing tape - glad I missed it.
I did however go to a rich family's bat mitzvah (girl's version) recently, and the theme was Victoria's Secret, complete with underwear-clad models presenting the 13 year old girl to her parents.
posted by colie at 8:47 AM on April 29, 2015
... while listening to Minaj's demented ravings about her arse, over a backing tape - glad I missed it.
I did however go to a rich family's bat mitzvah (girl's version) recently, and the theme was Victoria's Secret, complete with underwear-clad models presenting the 13 year old girl to her parents.
posted by colie at 8:47 AM on April 29, 2015
Previous discussion of artists playing at private parties.
posted by Etrigan at 8:50 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Etrigan at 8:50 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't worry, there's a bunch of stilted recitals from the Torah and formalized scrolls-bothering and other appropriately boring stuff.
at our Shul, the kids have to do a whole d'var Torah - and often, it's pretty good. Best was the kid who cited a bunch of scholars, then announced that she didn't agree and went on to give her own opinions.
I've never been to the parties, but I'm pretty sure that vegan cookies and fair-trade chocolate are more likely to be featured, with maybe a live klezmer or reggae band for entertainment, because that's how people around here roll.
posted by jb at 8:51 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
at our Shul, the kids have to do a whole d'var Torah - and often, it's pretty good. Best was the kid who cited a bunch of scholars, then announced that she didn't agree and went on to give her own opinions.
I've never been to the parties, but I'm pretty sure that vegan cookies and fair-trade chocolate are more likely to be featured, with maybe a live klezmer or reggae band for entertainment, because that's how people around here roll.
posted by jb at 8:51 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
These millionaire bar mitvah parties are very much the exception rather than the rule. I didn't even have live music at mine, and the fanciest one I went to hired a local party band. My nephew is about to get bar mitvahed and as far as I can tell the plans are very modest.
Rich gonna rich, but they don't represent the majority. And unfortunately I still hear the "rich Jew" thing all the time, and I bet a lot of people do, and so it is possible to unthinkingly assume that bar mitvah parties are orgies of capitalist excess, when they are mostly 13-year-olds using their iPhones to videotape bubbe saying nice things about their grandchild, kids stealing Manischewitz wine to get lightly buzzed, and everybody noshing on a mediocre meal prepared by the temple's caterers.
posted by maxsparber at 8:59 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
Rich gonna rich, but they don't represent the majority. And unfortunately I still hear the "rich Jew" thing all the time, and I bet a lot of people do, and so it is possible to unthinkingly assume that bar mitvah parties are orgies of capitalist excess, when they are mostly 13-year-olds using their iPhones to videotape bubbe saying nice things about their grandchild, kids stealing Manischewitz wine to get lightly buzzed, and everybody noshing on a mediocre meal prepared by the temple's caterers.
posted by maxsparber at 8:59 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
mediocre meal prepared by the temple's caterers.
Your temple needs new caterers - ours does the best mac & cheese I've ever had. (Small business - 1-2 people, no serving staff, just awesome food).
posted by jb at 9:02 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your temple needs new caterers - ours does the best mac & cheese I've ever had. (Small business - 1-2 people, no serving staff, just awesome food).
posted by jb at 9:02 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
jb, ours had the most amazing frosted brownies ever. Best part of any event.
posted by datawrangler at 9:03 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by datawrangler at 9:03 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
they are using the other hand to obscure their erections.
I saw the photo and suddenly realized why teen boys might prefer to leave their baggy buttondown shirts untucked whenever possible.
posted by blue suede stockings at 9:03 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I saw the photo and suddenly realized why teen boys might prefer to leave their baggy buttondown shirts untucked whenever possible.
posted by blue suede stockings at 9:03 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think more outlets need to include this disclaimer:
[Author’s note: Zero reporting was done on this story.]
(And for those commenters here who didn't scroll all the way down--why comment on something you haven't actually read?)
posted by Ideefixe at 9:07 AM on April 29, 2015
[Author’s note: Zero reporting was done on this story.]
(And for those commenters here who didn't scroll all the way down--why comment on something you haven't actually read?)
posted by Ideefixe at 9:07 AM on April 29, 2015
I saw the photo and suddenly realized why teen boys might prefer to leave their baggy buttondown shirts untucked whenever possible.
Advice from WikiHow.
posted by clawsoon at 9:07 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Advice from WikiHow.
posted by clawsoon at 9:07 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
In America $300,000 -$400,000 can be spent on one boy's party, but universal healthcare is too expensive to consider because
Bootstraps are being under-utilized by the poor.
(And for those commenters here who didn't scroll all the way down--why comment on something you haven't actually read?)
We have feelings to share, and we don't have time to spend reading.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:09 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Bootstraps are being under-utilized by the poor.
(And for those commenters here who didn't scroll all the way down--why comment on something you haven't actually read?)
We have feelings to share, and we don't have time to spend reading.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:09 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Does this guy not know how thumbs work? It would really simplify the shoulder analysis if the did.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:26 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:26 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
A lot of the grown-ups at this bar mitzvah probably thought things couldn't be much worse (though it was in fact quite awesome, and I wonder how many of the kids now wish they'd been old enough to appreciate it then).
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 9:31 AM on April 29, 2015
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 9:31 AM on April 29, 2015
I went into this thinking that it was going to be a breakdown of who got invited to the bar mitzvah and what the social/business relationship of their parents were, or what Cool Papa Bell said. Instead, we get this affected cafeteria Kremlinology thing.
Also, as if it needs to be said (and not to be gross or anything), but if I'd been in the same position as "Nate" with the 1977 equivalent of Nicki Minaj--Linda Ronstadt, say--I'd have spontaneously ejaculated, or at least given the appearance of same. I know your generation has probably been rendered terminally blasé by internet porn, kid, but jeez.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:44 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also, as if it needs to be said (and not to be gross or anything), but if I'd been in the same position as "Nate" with the 1977 equivalent of Nicki Minaj--Linda Ronstadt, say--I'd have spontaneously ejaculated, or at least given the appearance of same. I know your generation has probably been rendered terminally blasé by internet porn, kid, but jeez.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:44 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Love you, Rem, and love this article, but you are wrong on Bradley, wrong for America on this one.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:53 AM on April 29, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 9:53 AM on April 29, 2015 [15 favorites]
Seriously, these rich teenager parties are like a license to print money.
I guess it's a not-being-Jewish thing, because there was certainly some serious parental wealth in my teenage crowd. Or maybe it was a 1970s thing. Either way, for my crowd thirteen was the turning point for parents NOT throwing parties for us anymore, parents not being even in the same town if possible. Our parties tended to end up like this.
or maybe that was fourteen.
posted by philip-random at 9:58 AM on April 29, 2015
I guess it's a not-being-Jewish thing, because there was certainly some serious parental wealth in my teenage crowd. Or maybe it was a 1970s thing. Either way, for my crowd thirteen was the turning point for parents NOT throwing parties for us anymore, parents not being even in the same town if possible. Our parties tended to end up like this.
or maybe that was fourteen.
posted by philip-random at 9:58 AM on April 29, 2015
Lou Reed might have played his own Bar Mitvah.
posted by maxsparber at 9:59 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by maxsparber at 9:59 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
You know, I think it's in pretty poor taste to assume that every kid in that picture comes from a rich Jewish family and is a member of the "Goldberg Sachs Brokerage Training Class of 2015," because they're at the bar mitzvah of one rich Jewish kid who they probably go to school or temple with.
Pretty sure the post you're quoting said "Goldman Sachs". You know, the actual investment bank. That a lot of these kids will probably wind up working for, because rich kids become rich adults, because America. Making this about anti-semitism seems kind of like a reach, and that's coming from a New York Jew who grew up going to high school with pretty much exactly these people (a lot of whom, guess what, now do in fact work in finance).
posted by Itaxpica at 10:01 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
Pretty sure the post you're quoting said "Goldman Sachs". You know, the actual investment bank. That a lot of these kids will probably wind up working for, because rich kids become rich adults, because America. Making this about anti-semitism seems kind of like a reach, and that's coming from a New York Jew who grew up going to high school with pretty much exactly these people (a lot of whom, guess what, now do in fact work in finance).
posted by Itaxpica at 10:01 AM on April 29, 2015 [11 favorites]
Here he comes, he's all dressed in black
Non-leather shoes and a big fur hat
He's never early, he's always late
First thing you learn is your haftorah from a tape
I'm... waiting for my mensch.
posted by gwint at 10:04 AM on April 29, 2015 [16 favorites]
Non-leather shoes and a big fur hat
He's never early, he's always late
First thing you learn is your haftorah from a tape
I'm... waiting for my mensch.
posted by gwint at 10:04 AM on April 29, 2015 [16 favorites]
dirigibleman: "Woah, the kid with Nicki's hand on his face is Frederick Crane, who apparently hasn't aged at all in 20 years."
He became Mathis on Mad Men.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:18 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
He became Mathis on Mad Men.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:18 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
And what skullcap shall the poor boy wear
To all the mohel's parties
posted by cortex at 10:21 AM on April 29, 2015 [14 favorites]
To all the mohel's parties
posted by cortex at 10:21 AM on April 29, 2015 [14 favorites]
It's a bit of a stretch, but not much of one, to argue that a desire to spend $300,000-$400,000 on your 13-year-old is exactly why prominent Democrats haven't made it happen yet.
the hallmark of a society at its low point is when problems are openly blamed on rich jews.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:28 AM on April 29, 2015 [20 favorites]
the hallmark of a society at its low point is when problems are openly blamed on rich jews.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:28 AM on April 29, 2015 [20 favorites]
So if Ms. Minaj was paid $300k-$400k how much did the whole party cost? For fun let's express it in multiples of the federal poverty threshold for a family of four (roughly $25k-$30k per year depending on location).
posted by jcrcarter at 10:29 AM on April 29, 2015
posted by jcrcarter at 10:29 AM on April 29, 2015
Yeah, the very modest bar/bat mitzvah's I went to as a goy teenager were very comparable to moderately nice birthday parties. The main difference I could see was the hats.
I was a transfer kid into a relatively well-to-do neighbourhood (doctors, etc..), but self-catered was the rule.
posted by bonehead at 10:30 AM on April 29, 2015
I was a transfer kid into a relatively well-to-do neighbourhood (doctors, etc..), but self-catered was the rule.
posted by bonehead at 10:30 AM on April 29, 2015
I'm pretty sure that neither The Fall nor the Velvet Underground ever did one, but I can always dream that they did.
If I had the money, I would most certainly pay Mark E Smith stupid amounts of it to jump out of a cake.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:35 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think I can contribute some new information. If you zoom in on the ambiguous Ben/Evan hand, im pretty sure I see some extra fingers. They BOTH have their hands there.
posted by raeka at 10:36 AM on April 29, 2015
posted by raeka at 10:36 AM on April 29, 2015
Or Ben/Evan is some sort of secret X-Man.
As, I'm sure, is Nikki Minaj.
Suddenly, all the pieces came together and he saw the conspiracy for what it really was. This is a graduation photo from Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.
posted by maxsparber at 10:43 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
As, I'm sure, is Nikki Minaj.
Suddenly, all the pieces came together and he saw the conspiracy for what it really was. This is a graduation photo from Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.
posted by maxsparber at 10:43 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Pretty sure the post you're quoting said "Goldman Sachs". You know, the actual investment bank. That a lot of these kids will probably wind up working for, because rich kids become rich adults, because America.
Yeah, I misquoted, but I understood the reference to the bank and meant to repeat it. (I'm not the best with similar names, even famous ones.) I don't really see how that helps.
Making this about anti-semitism seems kind of like a reach, and that's coming from a New York Jew who grew up going to high school with pretty much exactly these people (a lot of whom, guess what, now do in fact work in finance).
I'm not making this (as in, the actual substance of the article) about anti-semitism. CPB's comment that characterizes a bunch of seven and eighth graders as the "Goldman Sachs Recruiting Class" because they are merely at the bar mitzvah of a rich Jewish kid is the entree for a larger anti-semitic context here, if tacitly, and perhaps unthinkingly. It's still loaded language, and a dogwhistle.
In case it's still not clear, 'THESE RICH JEW BUSINESSMEN AND THE MONEY THEY SPEND ON THEIR JEW KIDS WHO ARE GOING TO BE RICH JEW BANKERS IS WHY DEMOCRACY IS BROKEN AND AMERICANS ARE DEPRIVED OF MEDICAL CARE' is in fact anti-semitic.
FWIW, I am Jewish and from LA and went to a high school closely identified with Hollywood. Some of my classmates were from extremely wealthy families, and some were not. You wouldn't have known who was who from a bar mitzvah picture. If we are going to argue from autobiography and anecdata.
posted by snuffleupagus at 10:51 AM on April 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
Yeah, I misquoted, but I understood the reference to the bank and meant to repeat it. (I'm not the best with similar names, even famous ones.) I don't really see how that helps.
Making this about anti-semitism seems kind of like a reach, and that's coming from a New York Jew who grew up going to high school with pretty much exactly these people (a lot of whom, guess what, now do in fact work in finance).
I'm not making this (as in, the actual substance of the article) about anti-semitism. CPB's comment that characterizes a bunch of seven and eighth graders as the "Goldman Sachs Recruiting Class" because they are merely at the bar mitzvah of a rich Jewish kid is the entree for a larger anti-semitic context here, if tacitly, and perhaps unthinkingly. It's still loaded language, and a dogwhistle.
In case it's still not clear, 'THESE RICH JEW BUSINESSMEN AND THE MONEY THEY SPEND ON THEIR JEW KIDS WHO ARE GOING TO BE RICH JEW BANKERS IS WHY DEMOCRACY IS BROKEN AND AMERICANS ARE DEPRIVED OF MEDICAL CARE' is in fact anti-semitic.
FWIW, I am Jewish and from LA and went to a high school closely identified with Hollywood. Some of my classmates were from extremely wealthy families, and some were not. You wouldn't have known who was who from a bar mitzvah picture. If we are going to argue from autobiography and anecdata.
posted by snuffleupagus at 10:51 AM on April 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
the hallmark of a society at its low point is when problems are openly blamed on rich jews.
It's the hypocrisy of rich Democrats that bothers me specifically here. If a bunch of Republican luminaries had shown up instead of Democratic luminaries, it wouldn't have stuck in my craw in the same way, for some reason I can't quite put my finger on.
But maybe I just have a problem with rich kids in general.
posted by clawsoon at 10:52 AM on April 29, 2015
It's the hypocrisy of rich Democrats that bothers me specifically here. If a bunch of Republican luminaries had shown up instead of Democratic luminaries, it wouldn't have stuck in my craw in the same way, for some reason I can't quite put my finger on.
But maybe I just have a problem with rich kids in general.
posted by clawsoon at 10:52 AM on April 29, 2015
Also, why has no one considered the possibility that the boys were convincingly instructed to keep their hands to themselves, and the fingers we see on Nikki are just a few fashionably arranged bits of a chain of previously dismembered arms she's wearing, ala Kali.
posted by cortex at 10:55 AM on April 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by cortex at 10:55 AM on April 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
She's not Jewish. Non-Jews are not bound by Jewish law. For example, they don't have to keep kosher.
posted by maxsparber at 10:59 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by maxsparber at 10:59 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
She's tattooed. That ain't Kosher.
She was the main event, not the main course. And not all Jews keep Kosher. (Pass the bacon!)
posted by snuffleupagus at 11:04 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
She was the main event, not the main course. And not all Jews keep Kosher. (Pass the bacon!)
posted by snuffleupagus at 11:04 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
Everybody hates Goldman Sachs and rich people having idiotic parties.
posted by colie at 11:06 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by colie at 11:06 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Everybody hates Goldman Sachs and rich people having idiotic parties.
Nothing idiotic about having Nikki Minaj at your party! If I were rich, I'd have her perform at my Beltane party tomorrow, I'd be all like, Nikki, how would you like some oatcakes, and, Nikki, we're going to dance around the May Pole now, so I'm going to need you to sing that song from Wicker Man.
Summerisle summerisle summerisle summerisle and on that grave there was a man ...
posted by maxsparber at 11:13 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
Nothing idiotic about having Nikki Minaj at your party! If I were rich, I'd have her perform at my Beltane party tomorrow, I'd be all like, Nikki, how would you like some oatcakes, and, Nikki, we're going to dance around the May Pole now, so I'm going to need you to sing that song from Wicker Man.
Summerisle summerisle summerisle summerisle and on that grave there was a man ...
posted by maxsparber at 11:13 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
A college friend of mine had Looking Glass as his bar mitzvah band, so many years (decades?) past their prime at that point that even he is unclear to this day whether that is cool or sad.
posted by Mchelly at 11:17 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 11:17 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, why has no one considered the possibility that the boys were convincingly instructed to keep their hands to themselves, and the fingers we see on Nikki are just a few fashionably arranged bits of a chain of previously dismembered arms she's wearing, ala Kali.
Appearing at a bar mitzvah wearing bits of dismembered people seems like something Ms. Minaj would do, definitely.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:47 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Appearing at a bar mitzvah wearing bits of dismembered people seems like something Ms. Minaj would do, definitely.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:47 AM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Today I am a man, or, rather, a woman wearing a number of segmented sections of a man!
posted by maxsparber at 11:50 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by maxsparber at 11:50 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
METAFILTER: unclear to this day whether that is cool or sad.
posted by philip-random at 12:12 PM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by philip-random at 12:12 PM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Looking at these pictures, it really makes me wonder what it'd be like to grow up that wealthy. Do you want for anything? If not, are you happy being content all the time? Spending half a million on a party for a teenager is the kind of ritziness that's more bewildering than envy-inducing.
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:42 PM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:42 PM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
HI I'M ON METAFILTER AND I CAN OVERTHINK A #SQUAD OF BEANS.
Can we make beansquad happen, actually? I've been leaning vegetarian lately, but my girlfriend doesn't like beans so I need friends to eat beans with.
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:44 PM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
Can we make beansquad happen, actually? I've been leaning vegetarian lately, but my girlfriend doesn't like beans so I need friends to eat beans with.
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:44 PM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
If not, are you happy being content all the time?
No teenager is content all the time. That's what drugs in private school are for.
posted by clawsoon at 1:00 PM on April 29, 2015
No teenager is content all the time. That's what drugs in private school are for.
posted by clawsoon at 1:00 PM on April 29, 2015
If my then-rap-crushes Foxy Brown or Lil Kim had shown up to my b'nai mitzvah* afterparty at the Purple Radisson just outside of Chicago, I'd still be talking about it, with strangers, clergymen and radio call in shows if I had to. I think Nicki Minaj has a lot more staying power than either of those women so if that kid doesn't grow up to be a blase entitled prick, he'll have even more of a story than hypothetical-me.
*a b'nai mitzvah means "more than one person". My sister and I had to share a ceremony because my parents couldn't afford to throw two parties and expect our large far flung family to make two trips to Chicago. I see nothing antisemitic in assuming these rich kids are the brood of evil finance people and will largely become the same, but I'm also a bitter not-rich person.
posted by elr at 1:31 PM on April 29, 2015
*a b'nai mitzvah means "more than one person". My sister and I had to share a ceremony because my parents couldn't afford to throw two parties and expect our large far flung family to make two trips to Chicago. I see nothing antisemitic in assuming these rich kids are the brood of evil finance people and will largely become the same, but I'm also a bitter not-rich person.
posted by elr at 1:31 PM on April 29, 2015
I think the offense was largely about this logo, especially as it appears on the banners there.
It's a headless figure squatting to poop, right? It even has the digestive tract helpfully outlined.
posted by psoas at 1:37 PM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
It's a headless figure squatting to poop, right? It even has the digestive tract helpfully outlined.
posted by psoas at 1:37 PM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
But she ain't no XBox 360!
posted by exparrot at 1:59 PM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by exparrot at 1:59 PM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
People wealthier than I spend money on pointless stuff all the time. I am far from rich, but I bet my mum would be horrified that I spend £5 on takeaway sushi for lunch rather than making a butty at home.
posted by mippy at 2:15 PM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by mippy at 2:15 PM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
In other news, there is an election leaflet from The Communist Party on my coffee table.
posted by mippy at 2:16 PM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mippy at 2:16 PM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm so proud of my MetaFilter #beansquad for actually drawing an MSPaint diagram of all the kids arms as if we were 911 truthers or GamerGators explaining how Nicki Minaj and Hank Aaron are bias.
posted by straight at 2:37 PM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by straight at 2:37 PM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
#NotAllHands
#NotAllMinajs
#NotAllMenches
posted by Rock Steady at 2:47 PM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
#NotAllMinajs
#NotAllMenches
posted by Rock Steady at 2:47 PM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was confused; I thought The Shondes performed at the bar mitzvah. Now THAT would be rad.
posted by Dreidl at 3:07 PM on April 29, 2015
posted by Dreidl at 3:07 PM on April 29, 2015
Looking at these pictures, it really makes me wonder what it'd be like to grow up that wealthy. Do you want for anything? If not, are you happy being content all the time?
I grew up the poor (read: solid middle class) kid in a rich neighborhood. The kind of place where a good friend literally wrecked the Ferrari while the parents were in Europe.
This same friend doesn't need to work (trust fund), and fills his time pretending he's a writer. He has a normal level of happiness and unhappiness, but the content is skewed. For example, he claims to be "crazy busy" with "work," but when you dig into it, the "work" is his hours spent triathlon training and coaching Little League.
He will literally and sincerely complain about the put-upon demands created by his lifestyle. Like, he really believes that it's somehow deeply wrong that his Maserati can only be serviced by the dealer. He pines for the convenience of just popping into JiffyLube. He doesn't see any irony in this. After all, why can't Maserati engineer cars that don't require special training and equipment to service?
I can't make this shit up.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:42 PM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
I grew up the poor (read: solid middle class) kid in a rich neighborhood. The kind of place where a good friend literally wrecked the Ferrari while the parents were in Europe.
This same friend doesn't need to work (trust fund), and fills his time pretending he's a writer. He has a normal level of happiness and unhappiness, but the content is skewed. For example, he claims to be "crazy busy" with "work," but when you dig into it, the "work" is his hours spent triathlon training and coaching Little League.
He will literally and sincerely complain about the put-upon demands created by his lifestyle. Like, he really believes that it's somehow deeply wrong that his Maserati can only be serviced by the dealer. He pines for the convenience of just popping into JiffyLube. He doesn't see any irony in this. After all, why can't Maserati engineer cars that don't require special training and equipment to service?
I can't make this shit up.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:42 PM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
You guys have it wrong. To do Rich right isn't to hoard money, but to throw it around. The wealthy elite agree to slap an extra two or three 0s on everything to keep everybody else out of the game. Who wouldn't spend $400 to bring a famous pop star to their kid's coming-of-age party? /cynicalbutprobablyright
Plus, the Minaj appearance has probably already paid for itself in terms of publicity generated. We're helping out in that regard right now!
posted by mantecol at 9:06 PM on April 29, 2015
Plus, the Minaj appearance has probably already paid for itself in terms of publicity generated. We're helping out in that regard right now!
posted by mantecol at 9:06 PM on April 29, 2015
The kind of place where a good friend literally wrecked the Ferrari while the parents were in Europe.
...Ferris?
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:54 PM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
...Ferris?
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:54 PM on April 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
Is there a WikiHow with tips on how to make your erection more noticeable? I mean how rude would it be to assault Ms. Minaj's self-image by insinuating that her strip-club gyrations failed to engage the hair-trigger boner of a 13 year old boy?
posted by dgaicun at 1:58 AM on April 30, 2015
posted by dgaicun at 1:58 AM on April 30, 2015
Gawker - Nicki Minaj's Boobs Have a Real Power Beaming Out of Them
posted by rosswald at 7:48 AM on April 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by rosswald at 7:48 AM on April 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Gawker - Nicki Minaj's Boobs Have a Real Power Beaming Out of Them
Note the kid's eyebrow raise a second after Minaj pulls him in. He knew exactly what he was doing there.
posted by The Gooch at 9:08 AM on April 30, 2015
Note the kid's eyebrow raise a second after Minaj pulls him in. He knew exactly what he was doing there.
posted by The Gooch at 9:08 AM on April 30, 2015
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posted by gwint at 6:51 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]