scouts say hot dog opinions could be an issue
April 29, 2015 10:27 AM   Subscribe

The NFL Draft is here and once again you are not in it. Rude! You like football, too. You at least deserve a scouting report just like the soon-to-be pros. Enter the SB Nation Bullshit Draft Scouting Report Generator.
posted by everybody had matching towels (23 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
maryr has the will to throw a ball through a duck, but scouts say subpar bread recipe could be an issue
It's true, I hate ducks and yeast.
posted by maryr at 10:51 AM on April 29, 2015 [4 favorites]


Is this where I can talk about the Real Bullshit of the NFL using public space in Chicago for their ridiculous pre-draft events and ridiculous tent city?

Okay, probably not, so anyway:

MCMikeNamara has the iron lungs to bench press 5 infants, but scouts say butterfeet could be an issue.

Honestly, the term 'butterfeet' is probably the most accurate descriptor to describe me that has yet to be used in the last 40 years.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:58 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


nubs has the weight to hike a cantelope, but scouts say HS-level French could be an issue

Hah! Jokes on them, I don't even have HS-level French.
posted by nubs at 11:09 AM on April 29, 2015


Is this where I can talk about the Real Bullshit of the NFL using public space in Chicago for their ridiculous pre-draft events and ridiculous tent city?

With the caveat that I'm not an arbiter of derail (though I flag like I am), I say go for it.

Matching Towels has the grit to make good life choices, but scouts say peg leg could be an issue.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 11:13 AM on April 29, 2015


Jokes on me: honestly that it is bullshit is pretty much the only thing I had to say about it but since I can see it from my work window, it is on my mind.

(Yesterday evening, I was on the bus to go to a protest at Chicago's police headquarters in solidarity with Baltimore, listening to Scalia's questioning about marriage equality while stuck on a bus that was slowed down because of road closures due to Draft City. It'd been a long time since I'd been so pissed off so strongly in so many different directions.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:24 AM on April 29, 2015 [5 favorites]


sciatrix has the flexible morals to give an on-field TED talk, but scouts say narrow teeth could be an issue

Pffffft. I'll just distract from my narrow teeth with flashy lights and maybe a smoke generator.
posted by sciatrix at 11:27 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


Is this where I can talk about the Real Bullshit of the NFL using public space in Chicago for their ridiculous pre-draft events and ridiculous tent city?

It makes me feel like we're in a real life Hunger Games. The NFL draft is the tributes parading through the city, and Baltimore is District 12.
posted by dnash at 11:35 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


Apparently I have "the length to hike a cantelope, but scouts say Internet consumption could be an issue." Joke's on y'all, scouts, it's definitely going to be an issue.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:36 AM on April 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo has the general yearning to suplex a Vespa, but scouts say Nickleback fandom could be an issue
posted by graymouser at 11:36 AM on April 29, 2015


TedW has the nimble fingers to peel an onion, but scouts say netflix queue could be an issue

I enjoy cooking and put onions in everything I can, and Netflix has recently been bugging me to put something in my queue, so pretty spot on for me.
posted by TedW at 11:40 AM on April 29, 2015


Drinky Die has the high motor to stir the drink, but scouts say HS-level French could be an issue

Damn it, Brother John, I tried hard in French class. I just couldn't get the conjugations down.


j/k I didn't try.
posted by Drinky Die at 11:54 AM on April 29, 2015


Tony has the fanchise smile to manual retweet, but scouts say Inaccuracy with Klobb could be an issue
posted by stltony at 11:58 AM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


Inaccuracy with Klobb

To be fair, no one could be accurate with Klobb.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 12:37 PM on April 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


Is this where I can talk about the Real Bullshit of the NFL using public space in Chicago for their ridiculous pre-draft events and ridiculous tent city?

We use it for tons of non-public ticketed events, so why not this? I mean, why this line and not Lollapalooza?

Anyway, to re-rail...

eriko has the low pad level to break a lineman in half,

Nice.

but scouts say Nickelback fandom could be an issue

YOU WILL FUCKING BURN IN HELL FOR THAT SBNATION. YOU HEAR ME? BURN. IN. HELL. I CAN BREAK LINEMEN. I WILL BREAK YOU.

Oh, did we mention my anger issues? Yeah, that should be on the scouting report as well.
posted by eriko at 12:45 PM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


And, since my NFL career is obviously in a shambles....

mathowie has the manicured hands to bench press 5 infants, but scouts say White House visits could be an issue

Yeah. Obama never could judge linemen.

jessamyn has the pain tolerance to jump pretty high, but scouts say too much time on “Tweeter” could be an issue

Just look what happened to Brendan Marshall with twitter. Sigh. So much potential.

cortex has the length to charge an iPhone, but scouts say gross fingernails could be an issue

Yeah, well, that's why he didn't get a combine invite.
posted by eriko at 12:48 PM on April 29, 2015


Hoopo has the beautiful voice to play hurt, but scouts say smelly friends could be an issue
posted by Hoopo at 1:14 PM on April 29, 2015


argentcorvid has the glute burst to stir the drink, but scouts say “promposal” pressure could be an issue
posted by ArgentCorvid at 1:27 PM on April 29, 2015


The NFL draft is the tributes parading through the city, and Baltimore is District 12.

Pretty sure it's District 11.
posted by maryr at 1:31 PM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


mogget has the franchise smile to stand near those big fans, but scouts say emoji usage could be an issue.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by mogget at 1:47 PM on April 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


The Bellman has the flexible morals to make it to the game, but scouts say voting record could be an issue.

Eerie.
posted by The Bellman at 4:10 PM on April 29, 2015


I'm going to sue for defamation:

Hello, I'm David McGahan has the pocket discipline to broad jump a canal, but scouts say Nickelback fandom could be an issue.

LIES! Though I do have fantastic pocket discipline, my pockets are always very well behaved.
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 3:36 AM on April 30, 2015


Peter has the echo location to manual retweet, but scouts say PHD could be an issue

Well to be fair my PhD (ahem) thesis only has a handful of citations, so it's a fair cop
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 3:41 AM on April 30, 2015


I don't know my football positions, so I thought it was really creepy when I put in my partner's name and got this: "[Boyfriend] has the flexible morals to smell a DB’s fear, but scouts say frequent car sickness could be an issue." I'm DB! And he has to drive everywhere because he gets carsick when others drive!

Luckily I have the extra fingers to stop a truck. (?)
posted by MsDaniB at 11:45 AM on April 30, 2015


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