A 1690s advice column
May 7, 2015 5:49 AM   Subscribe

 
"consequently more terrible by the universal stillness" is such a lovely turn of phrase.
posted by mgriffioen at 5:57 AM on May 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


I liked the part where they didn't know where the winds came from, so they stalled with a bunch of classical mythology.
posted by Oxydude at 6:20 AM on May 7, 2015 [8 favorites]


Depart thine malevolent feckless addlepate.
posted by Luminiferous Ether at 6:23 AM on May 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


Q: What's love?
A: Prithee, hurt not me. Hurt not me, none more.
posted by griphus at 6:35 AM on May 7, 2015 [33 favorites]


I originally read the title as "1960s." I like this much better.
posted by blurker at 6:42 AM on May 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


Somebody get this guy a metafilter account! That's a voice ask.me needs.

Q: If I [am thinking of committing] any great and enormous crime and sin (as adultery), but do not personally and actually commit it, am I guilty of the crime and sin?

We had the 2015 version of nearly this question on the green not too long ago.
posted by phunniemee at 6:48 AM on May 7, 2015


We see no reason why women should not be learned now. For if we have seen one lady gone mad with learning... there are a hundred men could be named, whom the same cause has rendered fit for bedlam.

Wow.
posted by swift at 6:50 AM on May 7, 2015 [17 favorites]


Here's the complete source on the Internet Archive.

Q. Of which are most born, Boys or Girls?

A. We believe their Number is pretty even, otherwise the World would soon be over-stockt with one of 'em.

posted by theodolite at 6:51 AM on May 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


When I got married nobody told me that I needed breeches.
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:53 AM on May 7, 2015


Do not eatest thine sandwich which hath festered o'ernight, forsake the incestuous fornicator, and consult a physician.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:55 AM on May 7, 2015 [26 favorites]


Q. I have been Married to a Man a few Years, who hath much deceived me in my expectations as to his good Husbandry and Love; for his Extravagancies are far above his Estate in Prospect, for as yet he hath not any, wholly depending on my industry for his Maintenance; besides he keeps Company with other Women, a Child being laid to him about a Year since, and although he denies it, yet by circumstance and the Womans Oath, all his Friends are satisfied 'tis true; to compleat all (since the Child is dead, and the Charge satisfied out of my Labour) he hath frequented some other Women who have given him worse than a Child. All which, have caused me to resolve never to live with him again as my Husband; since which he is got well again, and solicits me himself, and by Friends, to wave my resolves, and live together as Man and Wife, promising a through Reformation. I desire to know which is the least Evil, to break my Protestation and Vow to God Almighty, and live with him again, as before; or leave him to his Ruin, by my unkindness, as he calls it. Your Speedy Answer is earnestly desired.

A. Dump the Mother-Fucker already
posted by theodolite at 6:58 AM on May 7, 2015 [34 favorites]


Dancing, is it lawful?

Seek therapy.

Is it proper for women to be learned?

Seek therapy.

Why does leaning on the elbow and compressing the external corner of the right eye cause objects to appear duplicated?


I notice that you ask a lot of questions, but only mark as "Best Answer" the ones that agree with you. Have you looked into therapy?

If I [am thinking of committing] any great and enormous crime and sin (as adultery), but do not personally and actually commit it, am I guilty of the crime and sin?

First, be smart from the very beginning.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:00 AM on May 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Slarty Bartfast: thou hast forgotten “seek ye the guidance of a learned and wise solicitor”.
posted by idiopath at 7:02 AM on May 7, 2015 [8 favorites]


Doth this be a manner of thing that wouldst require my attending of regular theatrical amusements to comprehend?
posted by Strange Interlude at 7:04 AM on May 7, 2015 [9 favorites]


If the light of the moon is borrowed from the sun, why are they so differing in complexion? You can't explain that.
posted by Naberius at 7:10 AM on May 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


What a terrible 24 hours wondering if it was you whose number was up after the dog went and put his nose down in the field before a family member died.
posted by AugustWest at 7:13 AM on May 7, 2015 [13 favorites]


For a second I thought this post was about advice to time-travelers who are going to 1690.
posted by demiurge at 7:15 AM on May 7, 2015


Intricately detailed and evanescent particles of snow to follow.
posted by sexyrobot at 7:17 AM on May 7, 2015 [6 favorites]


Somebody get this guy a metafilter account! That's a voice ask.me needs.

I actually wrote a whole article on "the history of advice columns" for the program notes for a theater company in Scranton - starting with the Athenian Mercury and going through the Bintel Brief, Dear Abby, and then on through Dan Savage and Tomato Nation's "The Vine" - and I ended with AskMe, and observed that while the Athenian Mercury pretended to be a vast quorum of experts who were assembled to answer any question (it really was just maybe five guys), AskMe actually was the kind of mass sounding-board they'd aspired to being.

Plus I got permission from the mods to use this picture when it went to print.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:21 AM on May 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


Q: Is there, do you think, a large part of the world still left to discover?
A: Yes.


Delightfully still true.
posted by barchan at 7:33 AM on May 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


Wonderful! I was surprised by how surprised I was by the sophistication of some of the answers. It makes the Quicksilver Trilogy feel more plausible, but still evokes a bit of Terry Pratchett.
posted by Drexen at 7:43 AM on May 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


By "the Quicksilver Trilogy," do you mean the Baroque Cycle by Neal Stephenson?
posted by tickingclock at 7:47 AM on May 7, 2015


Derp. Yeah, that one! With the words!
posted by Drexen at 8:05 AM on May 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


The 1690s were a time of heady advice, but some of the oldest question and answer sessions recorded come from the days of cavemen.
posted by FatherDagon at 8:20 AM on May 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I liked the part where they didn't know where the winds came from, so they stalled with a bunch of classical mythology.

If you read the full entry you'll see that they're saying that the Classical myth contained a kernel of scientific fact. They tell us that the winds are caused by "water rarified." Which is, well, partially true, though I'm surprised they didn't have more to offer than that.
posted by yoink at 9:12 AM on May 7, 2015


My favorite one, from TFA:

Q: In what space of time do you think the whole mass of blood circulates through the body!
A: 'Tis probable in much shorter time than many have imagined... It will be circulated six or seven times over through the heart in the space of an hour.


A person after my own heart, that asker. I realized that I had no idea what the actual answer to this is (I just naturally assumed that someone had pinned it down by now) and was surprised to find out that it only takes one minute for an average adult, at rest. Much faster than I (or The Athenian Mercury Oracle) would've guessed!

Bonus: the question uses an inappropriate exclamation mark! Sounding like you are constantly amazed is apparently not a new thing! I wonder if gratuitous exclamation marks were the 1690s equivalent of ALL CAPS!
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 9:14 AM on May 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


"Hast thou considered going to therapy confession to seek the counsel of a learned cleric? My confessor hath aided considerably in lessening the corrupting influences of those demons by whom I am beset."
posted by resurrexit at 9:27 AM on May 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm glad to see that even back then they were aware that dogs are prophetic and supernatural animals.
posted by Liquidwolf at 9:29 AM on May 7, 2015


I liked the part where they didn't know where the winds came from, so they stalled with a bunch of classical mythology.

To be fair, this was the go to method for a thousand or so years...


I want to know more about the mechanics of how this was made! Was it read aloud? Could the illiterate ask someone to write in a question for them? Who where the five guys? How often was it produced? How expensive was it relative to something else? I'm faaaaaasincated and want to know more.
posted by The Whelk at 9:30 AM on May 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I like the one where the guy asks about moonlight and sunlight, and the first half of the answer is just the columnist berating the questioner for asking such a stupid question in the first place.
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 9:32 AM on May 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Yeah!

Sir, we beg your pardon, if we tell you, your curiosity might easily have been satisfied by almost anybody else

Sir, you will need not a little unguent to soothe the pain of such a lashing!
posted by Drexen at 10:04 AM on May 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


I enjoin thee, if thou art beset by confusion regarding thy proper station in life, take up arms, and defend the coast
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:20 AM on May 7, 2015 [7 favorites]


Here's an interesting one:
Q. Whether from the present Carriage of the Female Sex, we may not judge we are bantered into a belief of their being such Angels as they are are represented by their Admirers?

A. We can't much approve either of the Prudence, Good-Nature, or Truth of those Persons, who are eternally commending the Days of our Great Grandfathers, and declaiming againſt our own. 'Tis certain, we had Vices common here in Henry the 8th's days, which now make an English Man tremble but to hear them mentioned. To come to the Question, we think the present Carriage of the Female Sex much what the same, or at leaſt not worse, than their former Behaviour -- Many then were proud, foolish, and vain, and so they are now; and Men as well as they; and so it is like to continue when the Athenian Oracle is forgotten. After all, most of their vanity they owe to us; and if We ourselves firſt tell them they are Angels, and are afterwards angry when we find them mortal, whom can we blame for the Mistake? To be short, their Admirers think them angels, because they place their Heaven only in them; their Despisers and Enemies call them Devils, because, perhaps, some of them have tormented them; but those who know them better, and are more intimately acquainted with them, tell us poor innocent Bachelors, that they are neither one nor t'other, but as very arrant Flesh and Blood as we ourselves are.
posted by yoink at 10:28 AM on May 7, 2015 [6 favorites]


I enjoin thee, if thou art beset by confusion regarding thy proper station in life, take up arms, and defend the coast

Oh, had I but the myriads of favorites at my instant command as lodge now in my thoughts!
posted by yoink at 10:30 AM on May 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Q. Whether from the present Carriage of the Female Sex, we may not judge we are bantered into a belief of their being such Angels as they are are represented by their Admirers?

Actually, 'tis concerning ethickal matters in sporting broadsheets.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:39 AM on May 7, 2015 [9 favorites]


Actually, 'tis concerning ethickal matters in sporting broadsheets.

Yes, quite. And that "their Despisers and Enemies call them Devils, because, perhaps, some of them have tormented them" seems only too current and too relevant.
posted by yoink at 10:41 AM on May 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I am not thy physician but...
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:49 AM on May 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


I am a barber, just not thy barber. if the foul humour in thy tooth doth not abate, hasten thee to a barber and believe not thy neighbor, for whom a poultice of mustard and rat's tail did suffice.
posted by OHenryPacey at 11:10 AM on May 7, 2015 [6 favorites]


Sir,
I seek your Opinione on a Matter whych has proved most Vexacious of Late, particularly as the Yuletide is once againe upon us. Amonge my Familie there are Several diʃtaff Couʃins who had ʃupported the Jacobite Cauʃe during the moʃt recent troubles, and beinge of Quarrelʃsome Humour, frequently Weary all preʃent with their Grumblings and Moanings against Our Beloved Sovereign King William. My Chereʃhed Mother, having Fond Memories of their late Father, does inʃiʃt that they be preʃent at ʃuch Familie Occaʃions as the Feaʃt whych celebrates the Birth of Our Lord, though their preʃence be oft Tireʃome. Furthermore, another Uncle, tho a noted ʃupporter of the Parliamentary Cauʃe, has remained of ʃuch a Radical Perʃuaʃion ʃince the Great Rebellion that he will barely endure any mention of the Holy Day, but ʃhall Inveigh against it at Some Length. It is likely that he ʃhall endeavour to provoke the aforementioned Couʃins, who ʃhall In Turn ʃeek to offend the Williamite Senʃibilities of Others Present.

Shall it be neceʃʃary for my Goode Lady Wife and I to attende the Celebrations, knowinge the Strife and Disorder to likely occur, as it has in Past Yeares, and requiring a Significant Quantitye of Sack or Brandy to endure? Or might we make some Polite Excuʃe, and in ʃtead prepare a more modeʃt Feaʃt within our Own Halls?


Your Faithfull Servant,

posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:10 AM on May 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


Dear Athenian: Samuel Pepys keeps crapping in the chimney. What should I do?
posted by rankfreudlite at 12:20 PM on May 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


Sir, we beg your pardon, if we tell you, your curiosity might easily have been satisfied by almost anybody else

Late 17th-Century equivalent of the oh-so-condescending "Here, let me Google that for you"

(I'm going to start using the former on my clients; it's so much more direct)
posted by Mooseli at 12:23 PM on May 7, 2015 [6 favorites]


Advice to the Probably Dead
posted by Navelgazer at 1:13 PM on May 7, 2015


Q. I have been Married to a Man a few Years, who hath much deceived me in my expectations as to his good Husbandry and Love; for his Extravagancies are far above his Estate in Prospect, for as yet he hath not any, wholly depending on my industry for his Maintenance; besides he keeps Company with other Women, a Child being laid to him about a Year since, and although he denies it, yet by circumstance and the Womans Oath, all his Friends are satisfied 'tis true; to compleat all (since the Child is dead, and the Charge satisfied out of my Labour) he hath frequented some other Women who have given him worse than a Child. All which, have caused me to resolve never to live with him again as my Husband; since which he is got well again, and solicits me himself, and by Friends, to wave my resolves, and live together as Man and Wife, promising a through Reformation. I desire to know which is the least Evil, to break my Protestation and Vow to God Almighty, and live with him again, as before; or leave him to his Ruin, by my unkindness, as he calls it. Your Speedy Answer is earnestly desired.
This sounds like an episode of Oprah.
posted by rankfreudlite at 1:26 PM on May 7, 2015


Wonderful! I was surprised by how surprised I was by the sophistication of some of the answers. It makes the Quicksilver Trilogy feel more plausible, but still evokes a bit of Terry Pratchett.

Your comment surprised me!
posted by rankfreudlite at 1:30 PM on May 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I liked the part where they didn't know where the winds came from, so they stalled with a bunch of classical mythology.
This, actually, is the go-to method today for learned folks when they don't know the answer. Except classical mythology has changed. Now it's Einstein, Thomas Kuhns, Steven Pinker, etc. The sad think is that I only mentioned those thinkers who made a modicum of sense.
posted by rankfreudlite at 1:41 PM on May 7, 2015


This sounds like an episode of Oprah.

Hell, it sounds like an episode of Maury.


....And now I'm envisioning a medieval version of Maury Povich: "The divinations have revealed themselves - truly, this man is not the bastard child's sire!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:21 PM on May 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


Pffft!

Nothing about why cats do that.
posted by BlueHorse at 3:06 PM on May 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I liked the part where they didn't know where the winds came from, so they stalled with a bunch of classical mythology.

Really? I kind of thought they were being facetious.
posted by AV at 3:36 PM on May 7, 2015


Dancing, is it legal?

Cursed Magnets, by what manner is their operation?
posted by Navelgazer at 6:31 PM on May 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


How doth the infant be composed?
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 12:49 AM on May 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


Cursed Magnets, by what manner is their operation?

Here's what they have to say about magnets:
Nay, many things there are which we evidently perceive to be undoubted Effects of Natural Causes (under wich we may perhaps yet rank the Operation of the Magnet) the Modus of whose Action would not only puzzle the Athenians, but all the Boyls, the Cartes's and Aristotles that ever have been in Nature; and yet however, all are agreed the Effects are Natural, or according to the settled regular Powers of natural Agents
Or, in other words, while they look like magic to us, we can assume that they operate according to as yet undiscovered natural laws.
posted by yoink at 8:59 AM on May 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


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