makeup tutorials are like fucking hypnosis, man
May 13, 2015 7:43 AM   Subscribe

spring beauty tips for the gross and apprehensive.
i gotta stay the fuck off youtube. can we talk about how many LITERAL HOURS i have wasted transfixed by beautiful, expertly-glossed 23-year-olds in their softly-lit powder rooms, smiling with all of their teeth while putting on seven different layers of eyeshadow to achieve a "natural, everyday look?" makeup tutorials are like fucking hypnosis, man. i could be lulled into a stupor watching nicole guerriero and jaclyn hill talk about eyelash glue for days, yet i will never buy or apply any of my own because i'm really fucking impatient and allergic to almost everything that goes around your eyeballs. am i the only asshole sitting inside on a sunny day listening to a bitch talk about hydrating neck creams while everyone else is out enjoying being a person!? I CAN'T BE ALONE IN THIS. a month ago i had no idea youtube could be used for anything other than cat videos and drake songs, and now i'm subscribed to, like, twelve beauty channels. because i'd rather watch tiarra monet describe how to apply a sun-kissed glow (never doing that) than leave my apartment to actually get one (really never doing that). anyway, here's a list of super expensive shit i bought out of shame or desperation or some incorrect attempt at self-care that i will likely never use and definitely throw away in a fit of rage sometime in the near future. enjoy.
posted by the man of twists and turns (17 comments total) 30 users marked this as a favorite
 
Yeeeeep.

I also like hair tutorials, especially from professional hairstylists who make everything look super-easy and casual when they just spent 30 minutes doing their hair.
posted by muddgirl at 7:54 AM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


lol. this is fun. i like the paragraph about the fancy-ass salon.
posted by easter queen at 7:56 AM on May 13, 2015


The paragraph about the fancy-ass salon is how I feel every time I get my haircut. Yes I get it my scalp has some flaky issues but maybe please just cut my hair without spending the entire session commenting on "ew-that-scalp-have-you-tried-Head-and-Shoulders" (spoiler: yes of course I have). I could really use a haircut but I am avoiding the heck out of it.

But I am seriously super addicted to watching beauty tutorials that I will never, ever try.
posted by pemberkins at 8:09 AM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


Love Samantha Irby.
posted by josher71 at 8:09 AM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


Samantha Irby is a TREASURE. She's incredible.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 8:17 AM on May 13, 2015 [4 favorites]


I'm so glad she's working on a second book. Her first was hilarious and moving.
posted by neushoorn at 8:22 AM on May 13, 2015


Oh, man...YouTube is the place to go to watch people do everyday things that you have no reason to try (for me, it's people with afros growing into a 'loc style) but you can't stop watching one after the other after the other.
posted by xingcat at 8:28 AM on May 13, 2015 [2 favorites]


Yessssss Samantha Irby is wonderful and, I think, a genuinely kind person. I have had very very limited interactions with her (humblebrag)(sorry)(not really) and she's just great.

It also helps that she's just like, RIGHT. She happens to be right about most everything. Am I crushed out, or does she have perfect opinions? I think the latter.
posted by witchen at 8:31 AM on May 13, 2015 [2 favorites]


they are hypnosis, isn't that the point? except for those who make them, who are the 'i want money' mini-careerists of our age. When i was young, they wore suits to college and wanted to be estate agents aged 16 (realtors)
posted by maiamaia at 9:39 AM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


Sam Irby can do no wrong, but I was disappointed that a tutorial for the "gross and apprehensive" really didn't have as much useful advice for me as, by all rights, it ought.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:45 AM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


I love her. Her recent post about her dead dad was so perfectly written and funny and great.

i was 18 when he died and 29 when my sister came to my job carrying a blue shopping bag with this dusty fake wood box in it and the first thing i thought after peeking inside was, "BITCH HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THIS HOME ON THE MOTHERFUCKING TRAIN.
posted by kate blank at 9:51 AM on May 13, 2015 [3 favorites]


I've never read her stuff before! This is amazing.
posted by erratic meatsack at 9:59 AM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


and i just got this l'occitane almond shower oil that is just so goddamn good. and don't worry, i took one for the team and asked the saleslady at the mall if i was going to bust my fucking teeth out using an oil-based product in a wet bathtub, and she assured me that it turns into soap as soon as you squeeze it on your brightly-colored mesh thingy. i haven't broken my nose yet. go get you some, it's amazing.

Aha! I always wondered about that but asking questions is scary, so thank you, Samantha Irby, I appreciate the work you're doing here.
posted by rewil at 10:11 AM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


sooooooo good.
posted by padraigin at 11:09 AM on May 13, 2015


I only understand like every other word of this specific entry but this is such a great blog, I'd never seen it before, thanks for posting it!
posted by ostro at 12:08 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


they are hypnosis, isn't that the point? except for those who make them, who are the 'i want money' mini-careerists of our age. When i was young, they wore suits to college and wanted to be estate agents aged 16 (realtors)

posted by maiamaia at 12:39 PM on May 13 [1 favorite +] [!]


Sure or they're people super passionate about a hobby offering tutorials to other people with a probably smaller passion in said hobby that have found a way to make a living at it, JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER SUCCESSFUL VLOGGER on YouTube.
posted by edbles at 2:54 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


I believe some of these people are regulars in our bedroom each morning, by way of Partner's iPad.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 6:52 PM on May 13, 2015


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