Voldemort is polling better than many Republican presidential candidates
June 9, 2015 5:16 PM   Subscribe

You'll recall that Voldemort killed Harry Potter's parents, fed his enemies to a giant snake, and tortured and killed muggles just for fun. But he's still polling better than Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Rick Santorum, Chris Christie and Donald Trump.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (86 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
The joke's on them; he's Constitutionally ineligible to assume office!
posted by kewb at 5:18 PM on June 9, 2015 [17 favorites]


Go Bernie!
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 5:20 PM on June 9, 2015 [32 favorites]


How can you tell the difference?
posted by Thorzdad at 5:24 PM on June 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Isn't this a rehash of the last election?

BS16!
posted by bricksNmortar at 5:25 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]






Welp, spoiler.
posted by rhizome at 5:34 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Unlike the Republican candidates, Voldemort actually has a comprehensive plan for governance.
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:35 PM on June 9, 2015 [48 favorites]


he's Constitutionally ineligible to assume office!

This is all that's stopping the T-800 from taking over America.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 5:39 PM on June 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Combined?
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:42 PM on June 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


It's not like all fictional characters are more popular either: Trumps at the bottom.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:47 PM on June 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


This is all that's stopping the T-800 from taking over America.

Is the T-800 ineligible, though? I mean, it's from America (its charred remains, anyways), and if we count age in absolute value (distance from time created to present day), then at the time of the first Terminator movie, the T-800 was 45 years old, having spent all of them in or around Los Angeles.
posted by brecc at 5:49 PM on June 9, 2015


That time one Iowan showed up for a Rick Santorum event
"Still, Santorum has come from behind before."
posted by Wolfdog at 5:52 PM on June 9, 2015 [69 favorites]


Vote-de-mort!
posted by blue_beetle at 5:53 PM on June 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


For more reasons than just the simple physical resemblance, Florida's Governor Rick Scott is often "satirically" referred to as Governor Voldemort. So for a second, I thought this was about him.
posted by Cookiebastard at 5:55 PM on June 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


I didn't realize Dick Cheney had announced his run yet.
posted by T.D. Strange at 5:57 PM on June 9, 2015 [8 favorites]




For more reasons than just the simple physical resemblance, Florida's Governor Rick Scott is often "satirically" referred to as Governor Voldemort.

Rick Scott actually looks much more like Bat Boy.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:08 PM on June 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


I guess I'm missing the point but I see no way in which these favourability scores can realistically be compared to each other. Kinda ruins the article for me.
posted by solarion at 6:10 PM on June 9, 2015


Uh, guys, there are SIX republican candidates polling worse than Voldemort. I think its pretty clear that those six are his Horcruxes.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:15 PM on June 9, 2015 [40 favorites]


Still, Santorum has come from behind before.

I gave Rick ten bucks simply for giving me the chance to make these jokes again.

But wait! There's more! 2016 is now with 100% more Lindsey! And if Lindsey promises to make Cher his First Lady and put Charles Nelson Reilly on the 5, I will vote for him.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:19 PM on June 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Has Immortan Joe not announced yet?
posted by prize bull octorok at 6:26 PM on June 9, 2015 [21 favorites]


Voldy is a fictional murderer with no nose and he is polling better because he is a better candidate than any of those clowns.
posted by dirtdirt at 6:30 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Lindsey Graham says that if he becomes president, he will have a “rotating first lady.”

Spinning in her grave?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:32 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Please don't take any comfort in this poll. By the time the election rolls around, with campaign funding limits effectively out the window, they'll fill the airwaves with so many vire slurs and rumors and innuendos and slanders that you wouldn't vote for your own mother were she running.

Rightfully, this should be the election where we all learn not to listen to campaign ads.
posted by JHarris at 6:34 PM on June 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Voldy is a fictional murderer

At least it's an ethos.
posted by maxwelton at 6:36 PM on June 9, 2015 [20 favorites]


Jokes aside, it's not too hard to have low negatives when nobody's campaigning against you.
posted by effugas at 6:37 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Voldemort has one attribute that I devoutly wish every Republican candidate had:

He is fictional.
posted by AdamCSnider at 6:49 PM on June 9, 2015 [26 favorites]


I'll be voting for Smod, the candidate we really deserve: "🔜🎇🎯🌎😱💥🔥💥🚨🌋🔥🔥👍"
Smod is the candidate for all the world's people.*

*All the world's people will be killed by Smod
posted by Rangi at 6:57 PM on June 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Voldemort has one attribute that I devoutly wish every Republican candidate had:

He is fictional.


Just like Reagan has become.
posted by chimaera at 7:00 PM on June 9, 2015 [12 favorites]


The last Harry Potter movie has a much different feel if you watch it until the part where Hagrid carries Harry's dead body to Hogwart's and Voldemort triumphantly announces "Harry Potter is dead!...from now on, you put your faith in me!" and then turn your TV off.
posted by double block and bleed at 7:20 PM on June 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


"Say what you will about Voldemort, but at least he stands for something."
posted by DoctorFedora at 7:39 PM on June 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Well, no shit. Voldemort has the 1% (Malfoys), the Law & Order types (Umbridge) and the end-of-the-world crazies (Bellatrix) on his side. He's the whole package.
posted by bgal81 at 7:41 PM on June 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


Sirius Black as a write-in on account of his ethereal status.
posted by clavdivs at 7:47 PM on June 9, 2015


I need a "Voldemort was a Republican!" sticker now to go along with my snazzy new shirt.
posted by Hermione Granger at 7:57 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Has Immortan Joe not announced yet?

No, he's in there. He goes by the name Mike Huckabee these days, though.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 8:10 PM on June 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


That said, I have the hardest time mustering any real hope or enthusiasm for Bernie Sanders. Although I have historically supported middle-of-the-road politicians from Vermont (Dean, Sanders, Leahy, etc.), I was so badly burned by the media assassination of Dean in 2004 that I can't emotionally allow myself to get too invested in Sanders this time around.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 8:12 PM on June 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


"More left" is just about all the detail and emotional investment I need.
posted by rhizome at 8:31 PM on June 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Voldemort has been building his base for years. (Disclosure: I received one of those stickers as a bonus item with one of the books in Jon Rosenberg's "Infinite Pendergast Cycle".
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:44 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Voldemort being fictional is the only reason he tops all of these people: he can't actually really hurt us.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:51 PM on June 9, 2015


Though, you-know-who might want a cut of the bumpersticker sales.
posted by clavdivs at 9:35 PM on June 9, 2015


You know what? It's been too long since we had a bald president. I'm voting Voldemort.
posted by boubelium at 9:45 PM on June 9, 2015


Unmarried Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham says that if he becomes president, he will have a “rotating first lady.”

but Skymall closed where will he get one
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:46 PM on June 9, 2015 [13 favorites]


Voldemort might have better a better policy platform, so there's that.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 10:16 PM on June 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Unmarried Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham says that if he becomes president, he will have a “rotating First Lady."

From those binders full of women?
posted by JackFlash at 11:09 PM on June 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


but Skymall closed where will he get one

Guymall
posted by Room 641-A at 1:16 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


I was so badly burned by the media assassination of Dean in 2004 that I can't emotionally allow myself to get too invested in Sanders this time around.

Before his campaign, most people were like "who the hell is Howard Dean?" This is not the case with Bernie Sanders, even if the media is trying its best to ignore him or not take him seriously.
posted by Foosnark at 5:21 AM on June 10, 2015


"Unmarried Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham says that if he becomes president, he will have a “rotating First Lady.""
As much of a horrible politician he might be, this is not a bad idea much less one he should be criticized for. Seriously though, fuck keeping the presidency open only to straight married men, and fuck confining the hosting responsibilities of the White House to rigidly heteronormative ideals. A second bachelor president may not be as exciting as a female president but its still something to be encouraged rather than looked down on.
posted by Blasdelb at 5:33 AM on June 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


My money is on the Cthulu/Weedlord Bonerhitler 2016 ticket.
posted by prepmonkey at 5:41 AM on June 10, 2015


Voldy is a fictional murderer with no nose and he is polling better because he is a better candidate than any of those clowns.

He's also got a record of execution in many areas.
posted by jaduncan at 6:11 AM on June 10, 2015


Great, now the Republicans will have to become even more chaotic evil to energize their base.
posted by TedW at 6:23 AM on June 10, 2015


You'll recall that Voldemort killed Harry Potter's parents, fed his enemies to a giant snake, and tortured and killed muggles just for fun.

You say that like it's a BAD thing.
posted by TDavis at 6:42 AM on June 10, 2015


"Unmarried Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham says that if he becomes president, he will have a “rotating First Lady.""
As much of a horrible politician he might be, this is not a bad idea much less one he should be criticized for. Seriously though, fuck keeping the presidency open only to straight married men, and fuck confining the hosting responsibilities of the White House to rigidly heteronormative ideals. A second bachelor president may not be as exciting as a female president but its still something to be encouraged rather than looked down on.


It's got rather a whiff of womanising to it, the way it's phrased, and is somewhat unpalatable as a result.

That, and it's inadvertently funny, what with the whole 'spinning' thing.
posted by Dysk at 6:44 AM on June 10, 2015


He pulled himself up by his horcruxes.
posted by jaduncan at 6:55 AM on June 10, 2015


"Unmarried Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham says that if he becomes president, he will have a “rotating First Lady.""

Graham/Kang 2016 -- Twirling Towards Freedom
posted by Room 641-A at 6:57 AM on June 10, 2015


It's got rather a whiff of womanising to it, the way it's phrased, and is somewhat unpalatable as a result.

Plus, he suggested that his sister could fill the role, so it has a hint of incest to it. And the whole "confirmed bachelor" aspect makes him sound really closeted. No part of this messages well, even though all the possible interpretations conflict with each other.

For my part, I would hope that our second, possibly third (depending on which theories you ascribe to) gay president would manage to be out; this whole "gotta have a first lady" business just makes it clear how much trouble the right wing would have with that idea.

Also, "Rotating First Lady" is officially on my list of names for garage bands I'll never get around to forming.
posted by fifthrider at 7:28 AM on June 10, 2015


A second confirmed bachelor president may not be as exciting as a female president but its still something to be encouraged rather than looked down on.

Indeed, sir. Indeed. And what a bachelor must needs have is a gentleman's gentleman. A First Valet would solve many of Lindsey's problems.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:31 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


For an extra dose of ickiness on that sister-as-First-Lady business, see Wikipedia:

He helped to raise his sister, Darline Graham Nordone, after their parents both died when he was 22 and she was 13. Experiencing the early deaths of his parents, Graham says, made him mature more quickly, and Nordone, who introduced her brother at his formal announcement of his candidacy for the 2016 presidential race, said she hoped to be with him on the campaign trail frequently to show voters his softer side. "He's kind of like a brother, a father and a mother rolled into one," she said. "I've always looked up to Lindsey."

So, uh, yeah. Brother by blood, de facto "father" by circumstances, and fictive "husband" for purposes of state functions?
posted by fifthrider at 7:42 AM on June 10, 2015


And the whole "confirmed bachelor" aspect makes him sound really closeted.

Hence his Charlie Pierce name: Huckleberry Closetcase.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:56 AM on June 10, 2015


Don't blame me, I voted for Voldemort.
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 8:42 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Yeah, all this Graham is a Closet Case stuff is really fucking gross and off-topic.
posted by Cookiebastard at 9:15 AM on June 10, 2015 [7 favorites]


Also many Democratic candidates - all candidates polled worse than the shark from Jaws. I can't believe this post made it out of the gate with that kind of skew.
posted by corb at 9:17 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Mod note: Folks, maybe drop it with the speculation about sexuality.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:20 AM on June 10, 2015 [7 favorites]


The Candidates (good grief) - "Chris Lehmann on the race for the Republican nomination"
It is a cliché of American electioneering for candidates to advertise their humble beginnings and unstinting ascent in the face of adversity. Even George W. Bush, with his Andover and Skull-and-Bones East Coast Brahmin pedigree, offered up his own version of the log cabin myth, alluding to his drunken youth and subsequent soul-saving entry into the evangelical fold, and taking self-deprecating potshots at his tricky time as part-owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team. The message was that these episodes were tests of the candidate’s resolve, temporary setbacks in the higher drama of his journey to the Texas governor’s mansion. (It didn’t matter that Bush’s gubernatorial track record was decidedly dismal, since the log cabin myth is about how you attain great office, not what you actually do when you get there.)


But the emerging field of Republican candidates for the 2016 presidential election is something else altogether. Of the dozen or so people who have declared or are thought likely to declare, every one can be described as a full-blown adult failure. These are people who, in most cases, have been granted virtually every imaginable advantage on the road to success, and managed nevertheless to foul things up along the way.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 9:41 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


Also many Democratic candidates - all candidates polled worse than the shark from Jaws. I can't believe this post made it out of the gate with that kind of skew.

Yeah, sorry about the lopsided framing, but I did include the "aplagueonbothyourhouses" tag...
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:20 AM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


Personally, I'm throwing my support behind Magneto. He has executive experience!
posted by Anyamatopoeia at 11:30 AM on June 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


The First Lady's role isn't "wife of the president"; she's the White House social hostess -- always "she" so far, anyway. One can easily imagine if Bill Clinton's health started to fail, Chelsea Clinton stepping in as her mother's White House hostess. (In fact, when Hilary began campaigning for Senate before Bill was out of office, Chelsea took over a lot of the First Lady duties.)

Eleven First Ladies (or acting First Ladies, taking over for an ill one) have been not-married to the President: Martha Randolph, Emily Donelson, Sarah Jackson, Angelica Van Buren, Jane Harrison, Priscilla Tyler, Mary McElroy, Rose Cleveland, Mary McKee, Margaret Wilson, and Harriet Lane. They were nieces, daughters, sisters, daughters-in-law.

Dolley Madison even served as (unofficial) "First Lady" for the widowed Thomas Jefferson and assisted him in snubbing the British ambassador in order to further the separation between the young US and the powerful Britain. She isn't usually in the list because she was later the official, regular First Lady for her husband.

I actually think it's kind-of a cool idea -- of course you'd still need an OFFICE of the First Lady since the office plans social, state, and ceremonial occasions. But what if Lindsay Graham had his sister for his "regular" hostess six months of the year and then invited prominent Americans from cultural industries to host specific events during the other six months when she was back home? Or if Hilary Clinton did, for that matter? I mean, a state dinner hosted by Beyonce -- how amazing would that be? The Kennedy Center honors hosted by Stephen Spielberg? A health and fitness summit hosted by Michael Jordan? Ann Patchett hosting a poetry reading? Oprah Winfrey hosting pretty much anything? FIRST LADY MARK ZUCKERBERG HOSTS A TECHNOLOGY SUMMIT. I am totally on board with this.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:23 PM on June 10, 2015 [15 favorites]


Great post, E McGee.
posted by Drinky Die at 5:27 PM on June 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


of course you'd still need an OFFICE of the First Lady since the office plans social, state, and ceremonial occasions

In Canada, that's the role of the Governor General, currently male.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 6:36 PM on June 10, 2015


"For an extra dose of ickiness on that sister-as-First-Lady business, see Wikipedia:

He helped to raise his sister, Darline Graham Nordone, after their parents both died when he was 22 and she was 13. Experiencing the early deaths of his parents, Graham says, made him mature more quickly, and Nordone, who introduced her brother at his formal announcement of his candidacy for the 2016 presidential race, said she hoped to be with him on the campaign trail frequently to show voters his softer side. "He's kind of like a brother, a father and a mother rolled into one," she said. "I've always looked up to Lindsey.""
Even beyond the weird speculation about his sexuality, these aspersions are pretty vile. He may be a truly awful politician with some horrifying views on a lot of things, but stepping up to care for family when tragedy strikes is an admirable thing worth respecting and appreciating. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and thats not only ok, but the way it should be. Even if her brother would make an apocalyptically awful President, Darline Nordone would make an awesome First Lady, or sometimes First Lady, by showcasing just how strong and diverse American families really are.
posted by Blasdelb at 5:36 AM on June 11, 2015 [10 favorites]


So I looked up Lindsey Graham on Wikipedia to get some information on his actual political beliefs, instead of mockery about him having a sister but not a wife.
In May 2015 Senator Graham said "If I’m president of the United States and you’re thinking about joining al-Qaeda or ISIL [Islamic State], I’m not gonna call a judge," Graham said.
Oh good, so you'll stop violating people's rights based on what they think instead of do. I could vote for this guy...
"I’m gonna call a drone and we will kill you."
...never mind.
posted by Rangi at 9:19 AM on June 11, 2015 [2 favorites]


The last Harry Potter movie has a much different feel if you watch it until the part where Hagrid carries Harry's dead body to Hogwart's and Voldemort triumphantly announces "Harry Potter is dead!...from now on, you put your faith in me!" and then turn your TV off.

Honestly, that would have made a better ending than the atrocity that is the Deathly Hallows epilogue, which was bad enough in the book, but somehow even worse in the film when they tried to make Harry/Ron/etc look twenty years older.
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:57 PM on June 12, 2015 [2 favorites]


Now the real question is, who would Voldemort have as his First Lady? I mean, can a snake be a First Lady? She's probably the closest thing he has to a significant other.* I guess if you have a Parseltongue translator on hand at all times, you could make that work. It might get kind of awkward the first time Nagini swallows a visiting dignitary whole.

And what about the rest of the cabinet? I'm thinking Umbridge for Attorney General. And Lucius Malfoy would definitely be VP. His aristocratic ways would appeal to the 1%, and Narcissa would probably be good to have around to be acting First Lady when Nagini is too busy finding a warm place to sleep. Of course, there would probably be pretty high turn over since Voldemort has been known to kill his Death Eaters followers underlings for minor infractions.

*And when I say significant other, I really mean "receptacle for a piece of his soul," but close enough.
posted by litera scripta manet at 4:12 PM on June 12, 2015


Bellatrix Lestrange, obvs. I can't believe I even have to answer that. ;)
posted by corb at 4:21 PM on June 12, 2015 [3 favorites]


Jim Wright, Stonekettle Station: Death Spiral
This is the best Conservatives can offer America.

This cast of paranoid clowns, religious pimps, and suicidal fanatics.

I look at the GOP candidates for president I think, seriously? This, this right here, this is the best you can do?

If Jeb Bush was an airplane, it would be like attempting takeoff with one engine on fire.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 6:57 PM on June 12, 2015 [2 favorites]


Bellatrix Lestrange, obvs. I can't believe I even have to answer that. ;)

But she's such a political liability! She's like ten shades of crazy. Would you want someone like this arranging your social calendar?

Okay, to be fair, it might work better than the snake. So there is that.

Honestly, I see her less as First Lady and maybe more like Chief of Staff. I feel like she would always be right by Voldemort's side but more behind the scenes. She might be able to order people around (or at the very least do Voldemort's bidding), but just don't let let her speak to the press. I'm pretty sure diplomacy isn't her strong suit.
posted by litera scripta manet at 7:57 PM on June 12, 2015 [1 favorite]




How they should start the GOP debates this time around.
posted by markkraft at 12:36 PM on June 16, 2015 [1 favorite]




Brad DeLong's Grasping Reality: What About Today's Republican Party?: DeLong FAQ
The Republican Party is 30% of the country. The Republican primary electors are only 15% of the country. The truly loony right-wingnut majority of the primary electorate is only 10% of the country. But that is still 10% of the country. And that 10% exercises a greatly outsized political influence. This is extremely worrisome to us all. And if you are a Republican, it ought to be especially worrisome to you.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 8:42 PM on June 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


@Jlscheid: "Cliven Bundy attending @RandPaul rally in Mesquite. After photo was taken Paul met privately with Bundy.#lvrj"
posted by Golden Eternity at 8:26 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


"Honestly, that would have made a better ending "
The ending, being the whole point of and authorial insert into the books, is when Molly Weasley shouts, "Not my daughter, you bitch!" And then, "You will never touch our children again!" before killing Bellatrix. That's the whole narrative point of the story. The fight with Harry and Voldemort barely matters after Molly's made the point that from here on out, the children are safe.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:41 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


@Jlscheid: "Cliven Bundy attending @RandPaul rally in Mesquite. After photo was taken Paul met privately with Bundy.#lvrj"

Wow.
posted by Drinky Die at 8:50 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


@RoseHopefully:
#Trump2016 wants to know #WhosDoingTheRaping.
47% are a friend or acquaintance.
25% are an intimate.
5% are a relative.
52% are white.
posted by Golden Eternity at 10:23 AM on July 2, 2015 [1 favorite]




David Duke Threatens To Expose Other Politicians With White Supremacist Ties
Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke issued a warning to Republicans who have criticized House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-La.) for speaking to a white nationalist group in 2002, saying they "better be looking over their shoulders."
posted by Golden Eternity at 9:27 PM on July 3, 2015


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