o-reh-gah-no? what the hell?
June 15, 2015 11:10 AM   Subscribe

 
Oh vegan egg substitutions, you are all so good yet so awful. That's like a chart saying you can substitute love for money.

The other charts are pretty good though. My only (other) complaint is that the volume-mass conversions for flour depend a lot on the humidity where you live.
posted by GuyZero at 11:15 AM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


What is that first graph supposed to show? What herbs and spices you should use in what applications? The design ins't great and it's really not true, either. I've seen rosemary and basil used in desserts, for example, to delicious result.
posted by moviehawk at 11:23 AM on June 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


I saw something like this once but for Indian cooking. It was a diagram of how to combine ingredients and flavors. I wish I could find it again -- my Google-fu is failing me.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:24 AM on June 15, 2015


My only (other) complaint is that the volume-mass conversions for flour depend a lot on the humidity where you live

Never mind humidity, a cup can be anything from 3.1 oz to 4.3 oz of flour, depending on how you're storing and measuring it. Though I think most recipes probably expect around 4.1 oz of flour per cup.
posted by aubilenon at 11:25 AM on June 15, 2015


What is that first graph supposed to show? What herbs and spices you should use in what applications? The design ins't great and it's really not true, either. I've seen rosemary and basil used in desserts, for example, to delicious result.

Yeah, the strawberry-lemon-basil ice pops in my freezer are a pretty good argument for basil in desserts. Basil forever!
posted by sciatrix at 11:27 AM on June 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


That first image is vastly underestimating the uses of both allspice and cumin.
posted by Panjandrum at 11:29 AM on June 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


Noone's ever accused me of being even a decent cook, but here's two things:

Never mind what that one chart says, keep your bananas in your fridge, people! The outside will turn black eventually, just as usual, but the inside will stay banana in stead of black mush. Try it!

Of course you can boil Asparagus. Boil them for about 8 min., let them simmer for about 10. Serve, wrapped in a slice of ham, with molten butter.
posted by Sourisnoire at 11:33 AM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Of course you can boil Asparagus.

You can boil a hock of mutton too but I'm not sure if that's the #1 recommended way to cook it.
posted by GuyZero at 11:37 AM on June 15, 2015 [13 favorites]


Boil them for about 8 min., let them simmer for about 10.

what
posted by Aizkolari at 11:40 AM on June 15, 2015 [29 favorites]


I only ever use the chia seed/ flaxseed/banana subs in my vegan baking. Applesauce, depending. But I don't like using any of the others because it's too much work to have all that shit at my beck and call in my everyday pantry.

I just freeze all overripe bananas because: smoothies, banana ice cream, banana bread.
posted by Kitteh at 11:41 AM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Also weird that the vegetable chart didn't include a time table for baking. (Who steams eggplant?)
posted by likeatoaster at 11:41 AM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


You can boil a hock of mutton too but I'm not sure if that's the #1 recommended way to cook it.

You boil a brace of coneys; the hock of mutton gets steamed.
posted by griphus at 11:42 AM on June 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


+1 for the Simpsons reference in the title. FWIW, I am fairly certain that scene was about my mother.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:48 AM on June 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


Fine, don't believe me. I'll keep my delicious boiled asparagus to myself.
posted by Sourisnoire at 11:49 AM on June 15, 2015


God help you if you boil broccoli for six minutes.

Of course you can boil Asparagus. Boil them for about 8 min., let them simmer for about 10.

8(
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:50 AM on June 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


Okay, so I'll go along with not "boiling" asparagus, but blanching it by putting it in boiling water for a few minutes, then into an ice bath, is a perfectly acceptable way of preparing it. The boiling water is a common denominator, though.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:55 AM on June 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


The first chart is ridiculous. Has its author never eaten/cooked Thai food or Indian food? Also it's predictable that fenugreek leaves & kalonji are missing from a caucasian spice chart despite the incredible magic they can work on classic north american comfort foods, but where is celery seed?

The bay proscriptions make sense if you've only ever had two-year old supermarket bay leaves to use, but if you've got fresh strong just-dried leaves that actually have some flavour, lamb would be my first choice of flesh to pair with bay as a feature flavour.
posted by lastobelus at 11:56 AM on June 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


+1 for the Simpsons reference in the title. FWIW, I am fairly certain that scene was about my mother.


We also would have accepted "Eight spices? There must be doubles."

I've seen rosemary and basil used in desserts, for example, to delicious result.
That first image is vastly underestimating the uses of both allspice and cumin.


While I hear you on both of these, I think the point is that the chart is for which works fairly easily and without fail. In other words, if you are instructing a cook that needs a chart to tell you which spices to use, you don't want to get carried away.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:57 AM on June 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Rosemary NEVER fails.

Unless we're talking Rosemary Clooney, whom I will never forgive for letting me down.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:00 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Sourisnoire: "
Of course you can boil Asparagus. Boil them for about 8 min., let them simmer for about 10.
"

But what if I don't want asparagus soup?
posted by Splunge at 12:05 PM on June 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


I saw something like this once but for Indian cooking.

It's definitely not this one, because otherwise it would show that cardamom goes with everything.
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:12 PM on June 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


which it so does not

(still mad about that homemade rogan josh that tasted like cardamom chunks in gritty cardamom sauce)
posted by griphus at 12:14 PM on June 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Boil them for about 8 min., let them simmer for about 10.

how long have you been trapped in the 1500s and more importantly how do you have internets
posted by poffin boffin at 12:14 PM on June 15, 2015 [28 favorites]


The first chart is ridiculous. Has its author never eaten/cooked Thai food or Indian food?

Maybe they have, but the people they are designing the chart for probably haven't. Don't forget, this is designed for people who never cooked and are flipping out because they don't know what to do.

Basil in desserts would be, like, high school; this is third grade.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:16 PM on June 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


Okay, so I'll go along with not "boiling" asparagus, but blanching it by putting it in boiling water for a few minutes, 30 seconds, then into an ice bath

ftfy, YMMV, etc.

(still mad about that homemade rogan josh that tasted like cardamom chunks in gritty cardamom sauce)

Simmering them in a tea ball removes the painstaking process of fishing them from a dish and avoids the gritty chunk problem. Unless the issue was just a recipe that called for too much fucking cardamom, in which case you have my condolences.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:18 PM on June 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


indian cooking is too fiddly for me and i am pleased to leave it to the E6th street professionals who will also play loud indian disco music for you if you so much as hint that it might be welcome.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:19 PM on June 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Everything you cook is wrong and all of these charts are wrong and your favorite bands sucks and I never really liked you anyway and I'm taking my ball and going home goodbye forever.
posted by maryr at 12:19 PM on June 15, 2015 [8 favorites]


Not to hate on tumblr (I use it all the time), but sources! If you didn't make the thing, link back to the original. These charts were all created by different people.
posted by betweenthebars at 12:20 PM on June 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Unless the issue was just a recipe that called for too much fucking cardamom, in which case you have my condolences.

The "cardamom chunks" were made of beef before they went in the broth, so it was the latter I think. Cardamom is definitely next to cinnamon on my list of spices to exclude from recipes unless I want it to taste like that spice alone.
posted by griphus at 12:20 PM on June 15, 2015


Don't forget, this is designed for people who never cooked and are flipping out because they don't know what to do.

People like that do not randomly select spices from a chart and add random amounts of them to dishes. People like that panic when reading recipes because "this asks for RED PEPPER FLAKES and I only have a jar that says HOT PEPPER FLAKES what do I DO oh GOD"
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:20 PM on June 15, 2015 [5 favorites]


There are remarkably few veg that are at their best boiled (potatoes and beans, maybe?). Steaming/microwaving is almost always better for flavour and vitamin content. I would have liked a grilled and roasted columns too. If you haven't grilled eggplant or roasted any of the brassicas, you're missing some good stuff.
posted by bonehead at 12:23 PM on June 15, 2015


"this asks for RED PEPPER FLAKES and I only have a jar that says HOT PEPPER FLAKES what do I DO oh GOD"

per the last chart, I'm pretty sure they could just substitute an egg
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:24 PM on June 15, 2015 [10 favorites]


"this asks for RED PEPPER FLAKES and I only have a jar that says HOT PEPPER FLAKES what do I DO oh GOD"

Use that jar of dried ghost pepper your brother-in-law got you for Christmas a couple years back.
posted by GuyZero at 12:26 PM on June 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


it turns out every herb goes with alcohol though
posted by Juliet Banana at 12:28 PM on June 15, 2015


People like that panic when reading recipes because "this asks for RED PEPPER FLAKES and I only have a jar that says HOT PEPPER FLAKES what do I DO oh GOD"


A friend of my mom's was, uh, not the most experienced in the kitchen. When I was a kid, this person prepared escargots for a dinner party while under the misapprehension that a bulb was a clove. Three to four cloves were called for in the garlic butter.

Hilarity ensued.

That said, for someone without that baseline knowledge, doing escargots was really swinging for the fences and it's just a good thing that everyone went home alive, if fragrant.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:29 PM on June 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


Use that jar of dried ghost pepper your brother-in-law got you for Christmas a couple years back.

True story: a few years ago, Shepherd received some ghost pepper flakes from his best friend in Toronto, who is of the "the hotter the better" camp. Being under the illusion that those flakes couldn't be that hot, he made a curry for me, him, and a houseguest living with us at the time.

To say a meal made us all cry in the worst way is an understatement. The remaining hot pepper flakes were relabeled in our pantry as "BASTARD PEPPER FLAKES."

I mean, we're huge fans of spicy food but not culinary punishment.
posted by Kitteh at 12:32 PM on June 15, 2015 [10 favorites]


indian cooking is too fiddly for me

The one and only time I tried making rogan josh was b/c I was constantly getting it when we got Indian food delivered and I was like this is just meat and sauce, I can make meat and sauce. So I spend a bunch of time acquiring spices and ingredients (including the accursed cardamom), making the recipe, etc. and what I get in return is exactly what I described above: an unpleasantly gritty, spicy, intensly cardamom-y sauce and meat chunks that no longer taste like meat but that same sauce. It tasted nothing like the rogan josh I was used to getting.

I ate most if not all of it over the next few days. Some time later we decided to try a different Indian place b/c the one we liked had like one delivery driver. And so I ordered the rogan josh and it arrived and I didn't like it. Why? Because it had tasted almost exactly like what I had cooked, just less gritty and less cardamom-y.

So after all that, I'm now at the point where I don't even know what rogan josh is supposed to taste like.
posted by griphus at 12:32 PM on June 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


To say a meal made us all cry in the worst way is an understatement.

i can see through time
posted by griphus at 12:32 PM on June 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


When my AI and I (I call him StrongBad) cook together, we use the topology of this network to plan our recipes.
posted by Svejk at 12:36 PM on June 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


A friend of my mom's was, uh, not the most experienced in the kitchen. When I was a kid, this person prepared escargots for a dinner party while under the misapprehension that a bulb was a clove. Three to four cloves were called for in the garlic butter.

I was helping a friend without much experience cook a meal. She did know what a clove of garlic was. But as she began to slice them, I realized she had no idea that they need to be peeled before use.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:43 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


indian cooking is too fiddly for me

I would like to leave this chicken tikka masala recipe here for anyone who may need it. I am a phenomenally lazy cook and I find this recipe easy. Plus you can make a quadruple recipe and realize your dream of drinking tikka masala sauce without getting side-eyed at the Indian buffet.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:44 PM on June 15, 2015 [13 favorites]


People like that panic when reading recipes because "this asks for RED PEPPER FLAKES and I only have a jar that says HOT PEPPER FLAKES what do I DO oh GOD"

A fair point.

And now for some reason I'm reminded of a random scene from the movie Bachelor Party when Tom Hanks is making himself dinner, and in the middle of sauteeing something, turns to his cabinet and says "okay - let's see what the spice of today is!" and he closes his eyes and randomly picks out a jar - "and the winner is PAPRIKA! yAY!" And he proceeds to shake it into the pan of whatever he's making.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:47 PM on June 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Regarding the first chart, I'm a firm believer that if you can put something on chicken, you can put it on pork.
posted by diogenes at 12:48 PM on June 15, 2015


I am a phenomenally lazy cook and I find this recipe easy.

my idea of cooking is "pay the nice latino man at the door holding my food who is politely pretending that we didn't already see each other 4 times this week" and that's about it

oh, and using my electric kettle for tea
posted by poffin boffin at 12:52 PM on June 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


> Fine, don't believe me. I'll keep my delicious boiled asparagus to myself.

I'm willing to be open-minded, but doesn't boiling asparagus for that long turn it into complete mush?

Like, blanching it would be fine. But after eighteen minutes of wet heat, it's got to be totally falling apart, right?
posted by a mirror and an encyclopedia at 12:53 PM on June 15, 2015


like what even is that recipe, i have to buy sticks, and then throw them away, why
posted by poffin boffin at 12:53 PM on June 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Plus you can make a quadruple recipe and realize your dream of drinking tikka masala sauce without getting side-eyed at the Indian buffet.

Are you my soul mate?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:54 PM on June 15, 2015


These charts were all created by different people scanned from different people's parents' cookbooks.
posted by aught at 12:56 PM on June 15, 2015


>Don't forget, this is designed for people who never cooked and are flipping out because they don't know what to do.

People like that panic when reading recipes because "this asks for RED PEPPER FLAKES and I only have a jar that says HOT PEPPER FLAKES what do I DO oh GOD"


Not to be all cliche, but there are two kinds of people.

No, really, there are two kinds of people. Well, of inexperienced chefs. There are those who follow every recipe to the letter ("But the recipe didn't say to drain the can of beans...") and only buy the exact brand and size listed in the recipe ("Oh no, this calls for 15 oz of crushed tomato but I bought a 14 oz jar! Dinner is ruined.") and would never dream of substituting red pepper flakes for chili pepper flakes. Then there are those who see recipes as suggestions or guidelines and figure that they have a red bell pepper, they'll just puree that and use it in place of the flakes. And probably you can substitute lime for lemon and cilantro and parsley LOOK the same and maybe this casserole would be better as a soup anyway. Let's add some mustard seed, someone left some in the pantry.

An experienced cook lives, perhaps, closer to the Cooks Illustrated (elaborate instructions) or the grandma's recipe card (three lines, no measurements) end of this spectrum, but it takes practice and knowledge to know what you can change and what is essential.
posted by maryr at 12:57 PM on June 15, 2015 [3 favorites]




I would like to leave this chicken tikka masala recipe here for anyone who may need it. I am a phenomenally lazy cook and I find this recipe easy. Plus you can make a quadruple recipe and realize your dream of drinking tikka masala sauce without getting side-eyed at the Indian buffet.


I first time I felt like An Experienced Cooking Person was when I reserve-engineered a basic thai curry using what I knew about making beef stew and what was on hand.

Coconut milk covers so many sins.
posted by The Whelk at 1:02 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


You think coconut milk covers sins, try coconut cream!
posted by Ferreous at 1:04 PM on June 15, 2015


With enough coconut cream you could cover a murder scene. That stuff is thick.
posted by GuyZero at 1:05 PM on June 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


With enough coconut cream you could cover a murder scene. That stuff is thick.

why does everything come back to Hannibal
posted by The Whelk at 1:07 PM on June 15, 2015 [8 favorites]


One of the Emperor Augustus's favourite sayings was "quick as boiled asparagus".
posted by Segundus at 1:10 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


why does everything come back to Hannibal

A slow motion closeup on coursing waves of coconut cream. On the soundtrack, a heavily reverb'd recording of somebody banging two coconut shells together like in Holy Grail.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:15 PM on June 15, 2015 [10 favorites]


Cardamom is definitely next to cinnamon on my list of spices to exclude from recipes unless I want it to taste like that spice alone that go together wonderfully and make everything delicious.
posted by jeather at 1:40 PM on June 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Toss a cardamom pod in with your coffee before you grind it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:42 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


I refuse to take advice from anyone who says turmeric and vegetables don't go well together. That's pretty much the basis of Indian cuisine.

Also I plan to continue putting cumin in my pasta, thank you very much.
posted by foobaz at 2:12 PM on June 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Ugh that first chart bugs me SO MUCH.

My issue with these charts is, okay I get it, they're meant to be cheat sheets to help build kitchen confidence. I am 100% in favour of that happening! The problem is that they're rarely put together by actual professionals--they're done (I recognize a couple of them, I just can't remember the name of the site they're from) by amateur food bloggers who are putting a mishmash of "this is what I like" and "I heard this once from my grandma" together.

Fish doesn't go with cilantro? Pasta doesn't go with parsley? Are you joking me? Or sage, sugar, tarragon, thyme? Gee, my Italian cookbooks must be lying to me. Caraway doesn't go with desserts? QUICK TO THE MIDDLE EAST THEY'RE COOKING WRONG.

Or how about just dropping 'agar agar' as a substitute for eggs when thickening? This much agar will thicken. This much plus two molecules will give you rubber. It's not enough to just say "oh use agar," especially when the point of these charts is to help people who don't know much about cooking.

"Hmm," I think, "The recipe tells me to thicken this soup with an egg. But my guest is vegan! Aha, the chart tells me to use agar. Where the hell do I buy agar? Do I get the powder or the strands? How do I use this?"

And if I even have the inclination to use Google, ten minutes later I'm down the rabbit hole of gelling temperatures and needing a .01g scale just to make the damn substitution.

These charts make me so angry. They're this absolutely surface version of "how to cook" that actively make cooking more difficult and more frightening, precisely because they're not actually tested and they're not actually based on facts and often bear little resemblance to reality. Someone starts trusting these, their confidence gets shot the first time it doesn't work properly.

Don't even get me started on the volume/weight thing because my blood pressure.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:32 PM on June 15, 2015 [13 favorites]


Also I plan to continue putting cumin in my pasta, thank you very much.

wait what
posted by invitapriore at 2:33 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


I will say the knife cuts guide is pretty well done
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:33 PM on June 15, 2015


THIS is how you do charts.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:59 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


These charts make me so angry.

The one that was just unit conversions was acceptable because it is factually correct.

Not talking about the volume to weight conversion though, which really makes no sense (measure in whatever units the recipe came in. You don't have a scale? Then fix that.)
posted by kiltedtaco at 3:11 PM on June 15, 2015


There's also Mark Bittman's diagrams of stuff that can go together, like this one for slow cooker combinations.

Less of a chart, I guess, than a continuum of things that can go together, depending on your tastes.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:50 PM on June 15, 2015


Also I plan to continue putting cumin in my pasta, thank you very much.

wait what


Yeah, I'm going to need to call for an explanation here. For the good of the thread.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:59 PM on June 15, 2015


Seems pretty straightforward.
posted by maryr at 4:11 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


This says "old-fashioned American measurements," but may work for older English recipes as well.

Lots of love for the book Cook's Ingredients, which shows photos of ingredients thematically grouped, and with little explanations of each ingredient. The book is dated, superseded, and no I'm never giving up my copy.
posted by datawrangler at 4:14 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


That first chart is so wrong about garlic it has made me angry. Garlic and pork don't go together? Garlic and CHEESE don't? THE FUCK?!?!
posted by Cookiebastard at 5:25 PM on June 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


Also: Chili Mac: Chili needs cumin. Pasta is mac.
posted by Cookiebastard at 5:27 PM on June 15, 2015


That first chart is so wrong about garlic it has made me angry. Garlic and pork don't go together? Garlic and CHEESE don't? THE FUCK?!?!

right? I had to go watch baby panda videos

baby pandas go very well with garlic and a glass of shiraz
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:52 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


well pasta is pretty bland by itself just like rice is pretty bland by itself and you can put cumin on rice so why not on pasta?
posted by Jacqueline at 5:58 PM on June 15, 2015


Oh I've been pronouncing "vile soapy shit-rubbish grown by sadists and enjoyed by liars" wrong for years, apparently it's "cilantro".
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:02 PM on June 15, 2015 [9 favorites]


Mmmmm...garlic panda....
posted by Cookiebastard at 6:10 PM on June 15, 2015


I passed a guy on the street who smelled like he hadn't showered in days and that's when I remembered hey, I need to get more cumin
posted by prize bull octorok at 6:14 PM on June 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


I too looked at the spice chart. No caraway on bread?! No paprika with beef or lamb?! I spit on this chart, I spit on whoever made it, I spit on everyone and everything that would deny me a bowl of hot gulyás served with a chunk of rye bread with caraway.
posted by Joe in Australia at 6:22 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


no bread with spit
posted by poffin boffin at 6:34 PM on June 15, 2015


My people are Phoenician. There is nothing that cannot be improved by cinnamon or cardamom or sumac or honey. Oddly though, while I use coriander a lot, I think green cilantro tastes like the devil's bath water.
posted by dejah420 at 6:48 PM on June 15, 2015


These are mostly terrible charts, not least because no one bothered to make them attractive as well as inaccurate. You can hide many sins with beauty, but when you are both wrong and ugly, don't be surprised at the criticism.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:22 PM on June 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Toss a cardamom pod in with your coffee before you grind it.

Thank you, but very no.

... "vile soapy shit-rubbish grown by sadists and enjoyed by liars" ... apparently it's "cilantro".

I will fight you.

More seriously, I am one of the lucky ones for whom cilantro has a glorious, intense, not-even-remotely-soapy flavor. OTOH, parsley seems to be meant only for adding the color green to an entree, as it doesn't taste like much of anything at all to me.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:07 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Aldehydes. They get in the way of people basking in the true glory of cilantro's objective deliciousness. If only cilantro could have found another way...

Sadly, some peoples' single nucleotide polymorphism doesn't let them sense the One True Way of Deliciousness (pdf):
The desirability of cilantro has been debated for centuries. Pliny claimed that coriander had important medicinal properties: ‘vis magna ad refrigerandos ardores viridi’ (‘while green, it is possessed of very cooling and refreshing properties’) [2]. The Romans used the leaves and seeds in many dishes, including moretum (a herb, cheese, and garlic spread similar to today’s pesto) [3]; the Mandarin word for cilantro, (xia ̄ ngca` i), literally means ‘fragrant greens.’ However, the leaves in particular have long inspired passionate hatred as well, e.g., John Gerard called it a ‘very stinking herbe’ with leaves of ‘venemous quality’
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:38 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


"I feel so sorry for people who can't get stung in the face by bullet ants properly."
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:44 PM on June 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


Oh, and re: asparagus...for me, nothing beats drizzling it with olive oil, covering it with thinly-sliced shallots, dusting it with salt and pepper, adding a little white wine in the bottom of the pan, and roasting it at 375° for maybe 10-15 minutes - only long enough for it to barely start turning olive green. For bonus points, crumble some feta or goat cheese over it at the very end. Roasting it avoids mushiness and leaves it tender but still just crispy enough.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:01 PM on June 15, 2015 [6 favorites]


It wasn't until I read on here some years ago that cilantro tastes soapy to some people that I started to taste the soap. Now I can't not taste the soap. Thanks, guys!
posted by h00py at 9:53 PM on June 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


Dinner at Greg_Ace's place.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:59 PM on June 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


The shaved asparagus pizza recipe from Smitten Kitchen is a different take but soooo tasty.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 10:19 PM on June 15, 2015


Dinner at Greg_Ace's place.

Make it Wednesday, and I can smoke a pork roast to go with that asparagus. Y'all are bringing the scotch.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:39 PM on June 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Since we're piling on with asparagus suggestions, I'll add the following.

- clean your asparagus
- grab a cluster of about 3 or 4 stalks
- wrap those in prosciutto
- add some cracked pepper or other spices (no need for salt, though)
- put the bundles on a baking sheet of some kind
- insert into oven / toaster oven for 10ish minutes
- flip once
- cook until the prosciutto is nicely crisped / browned

Serve with wine, cheese, and crackers as part of a nutritionally diverse snacking experience.
posted by The Outsider at 3:27 AM on June 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Serve with wine, cheese, and crackers as part of a nutritionally diverse snacking experience.

Uh, this is basically my dinner at least three times a week.
posted by lollymccatburglar at 4:29 AM on June 16, 2015


The shaved asparagus pizza recipe from Smitten Kitchen is a different take but soooo tasty.

Have we hit the point where even the asparagus is shaven?
posted by Dip Flash at 4:54 AM on June 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


Cilantro doesn't really taste soapy to me unless I think about all the people who say it tastes soapy to them, and then my brain is like "are you sure?", which then ruins everything. I don't SUPER love the (non-soapy) taste but I will eat it anyway out of a weird but relentless superstition that its varying taste presentation means it is a secret cure to a mysterious disease we don't know about yet but which I will definitely not want to have.
posted by poffin boffin at 7:01 AM on June 16, 2015


I do crispy-pork-fat-wrapped asparagus-clusters as well, but usually just regular bacon, and usually on the grill. It's the only dish I don't splurge for super-thick Burger's Smokehouse or Nueske's bacon for; the thin stuff works better for wrapping.

Here is a recipe that involves simmering asparagus for 15 minutes that looks great; however, it's a pureed soup....
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:04 AM on June 16, 2015


If you're on the fence about cumin with noodles we should have a meetup at Xi'an Famous Foods.
posted by moonmilk at 7:11 AM on June 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Xi'an Famous Foods


i'm having a total sensory memory right now - the ruler-slapping-a-desk-sound of hand-pulled noodles slapping taut, the smell of fragrant lamb, the entire bottom half of my face going tingly and numb
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:25 AM on June 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Serve with wine, cheese, and crackers as part of a nutritionally diverse snacking experience.

Uh, this is basically my dinner at least three times a week.


It's fig and fresh vegetable season which means you don't really have to cook a Dinner if you don't want to! Just plates of appetizers in various combinations!
posted by The Whelk at 7:39 AM on June 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


I feel that if this chart were to accomplish nothing other than to make people stop saying "cardamon" and "tumeric," it will have been completely worthwhile.
posted by holborne at 8:08 AM on June 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


I can smoke a pork roast

do you have like really big rolling papers
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:06 AM on June 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


I'll tell you what, don't marinate it ahead of time or you'll never keep the damn thing lit.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:08 AM on June 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


i knew pork goes with blueberry but i didn't think it was THAT kind of blueberry
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:21 AM on June 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


If you're on the fence about cumin with noodles

Does eating egg noodles swimming in butter chicken or tikka masala sauce count?

Because I've done that.

I am not ashamed.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:34 AM on June 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


poffin boffin: indian cooking is too fiddly for me

Ahem... (with apologies for the Grandmother's Measurements)

Shred a bunch of cabbage, about 3/4 head.
Grate carrots, about the same amount.

Heat a couple of tablespoons of oil in a pan with a lid.
When hot, throw in a tablespoon or so of black mustard seeds. If you like things spicy, add a dried red chili as well.
Put the lid on, and wait until they have finished popping (unless you like cleaning cookers, that is).

Add cabbage and carrots, stir for 30 seconds.
Add 1 tsp of salt and 1/2 tsp of sugar.
Optionally add a whole lot of coriander leaf, unless (like my kids) you think it comes straight from hell.
Stir well.

Cook for another 3-4 minutes until the vegetables are cooked, but still have some crunch.
Stir in a bit of lemon juice before serving, and consider removing the chili.

Speaking of cardamom, which I happen to love... in Kerala they use the seeds from inside cardamom pods scattered on sweet, fresh pinapple, and that is the best tasting pineapple I've ever had. Don't use too many seeds, though, or you get the Only-Tastes-Of-Cardamom effect mentioned elsewhere.

And as for the E6th street professionals... that means NYC, right?

Maybe when I'm back in Manhattan in August we ought to organize an Indian cooking evening...
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 12:15 PM on June 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


It wasn't until I read on here some years ago that cilantro tastes soapy to some people that I started to taste the soap. Now I can't not taste the soap. Thanks, guys!

I didn't have many opportunities growing up to have cilantro, at least not in the cooking I had at home (and in any case I was a horribly picky eater, to my current chagrin). After I grew up and started having dishes with cilantro (Indian, Thai, Mexican, etc.), I definitely experienced the strong soapy taste, particularly in curries.

At some point, however, the soapy sensation disappeared (not unlike a soap bubble bursting), and now I love that fresh herb on all the things. I wish I'd been paying attention to when it happened, but there it is. Handfuls of the stuff, almost daily. Not a hint of soap.
posted by Celsius1414 at 12:20 PM on June 16, 2015


Same thing has happened to me with cilantro, Celsius--I had to force myself to eat it for a while though. Now I'm like NOM NOM NOM.

FYI, the roots are also edible. Clean them well, then slice into bits and throw into stir fries or curries, or slice smaller and eat as raw garnish/on salads.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:31 PM on June 16, 2015


Useful!
posted by Penguin48 at 7:13 PM on June 16, 2015


I'm pushing through. In small amounts, I'm enjoying the soapiness in a perverse kind of way. Finding a good Mexican takeaway is helping the process.
posted by h00py at 1:59 AM on June 17, 2015


43rdAnd9th - A variation on that recipe (no carrot but more or less the same) is one of my partner's favourites. Unfortunately, those mustard seeds are unkind to my partner's digestion so we rarely eat it. Another version I have had is with corn instead of cabbage.

Cardamom is awesome.
posted by Ashwagandha at 7:36 AM on June 17, 2015


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