"It's all keywords and being in Amazon's system"
June 28, 2015 9:00 AM   Subscribe

Peter was surprised to find that vampires actually aren't all that popular, either, as fetishes go. Apparently, they're more of a flash-in-the-pan, while werewolves are a stolid, reliable source of salable smut. "I had assumed that vampires would be popular, but werewolves -- they're the sexy ones. They've been sexy for decades. It's because they're so big and muscley and out of control."
For Cracked, Robert Evans interviews Peter Hayward aka Pandora Box about his career writing female orientated Kindle fetish porn. That is, fetish porn produced for the Kindle, not fetish porn about the Kindle
posted by MartinWisse (48 comments total) 21 users marked this as a favorite


 
That is, fetish porn produced for the Kindle, not fetish porn about the Kindle.

Surely, in some dark corner of Amazon we've yet to discover ...
posted by ryanshepard at 9:02 AM on June 28, 2015 [14 favorites]


"Crossing into the seedy part of the Amazon warehouse, where the lights aren't as bright, iPad glanced around, knowing he would find her there. 'Kindle, Kindle darling?' he whispered..."
posted by HuronBob at 9:07 AM on June 28, 2015 [16 favorites]


Listen, as far as niche fetishes and clever titles on Kingle may go, nobody can beat Chuck Tingle, author of such works as Pounded In the Butt By My Own Butt.

Fair warning: Don't click on that link if you're at work, and make sure you have a few minutes to giggle like you're 13 again.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 9:10 AM on June 28, 2015 [34 favorites]


That is, fetish porn produced for the Kindle, not fetish porn about the Kindle

Rule 34, yo.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:11 AM on June 28, 2015 [6 favorites]


Stikki Minaj is a pretty great nome du kindle
posted by The Whelk at 9:14 AM on June 28, 2015 [6 favorites]


"Ooh, looks like I got some sand in here." Kindle slipped off a corner of its case, barely revealing its ample USB port...
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:19 AM on June 28, 2015 [13 favorites]


Pounded In the Butt By My Own Butt

I prefer the sequel, Pounded In the Butt By My Book 'Pounded In the Butt By My Own Butt'

(yes that's a real Chuck Tingle book)
posted by Itaxpica at 9:25 AM on June 28, 2015 [23 favorites]


where is my kindle/nook coffee shop AU
posted by poffin boffin at 9:32 AM on June 28, 2015 [5 favorites]


That is, fetish porn produced for the Kindle, not fetish porn about the Kindle.

I'm pretty sure there's a book out there about a person being violated by a sentient USB cable (less sure it's a Chuck Tingle but would be unsurprised), so honestly it's only a matter of time.
posted by angeline at 9:47 AM on June 28, 2015


So of course I immediately searched for some fucked-up shit on Amazon (after furtively glancing around the room, and logging out of my Amazon account.) One thing I noticed is a lot of the Kindle books that came up are available for free on Kindle Unlimited. I can't help but think that this would cut into the income potential for this endeavor.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:48 AM on June 28, 2015


Serene Empress Dork, sometimes the free material leads the reader to seek out the author's for-purchase works.
posted by Iris Gambol at 9:53 AM on June 28, 2015 [2 favorites]


available for free on Kindle Unlimited. I can't help but think that this would cut into the income potential for this endeavor.

The way Kindle Unlimited works makes it more profitable for some authors than selling a work. If I've got my facts straight, if a work in Kindle Unlimited is 10% read, the work is marked as 'read' and the author gets a slice of the profit pie for the entire Unlimited program. If your book is 10 pages, that means getting someone to open your work, basically, and you get paid.
posted by tofu_crouton at 9:56 AM on June 28, 2015 [8 favorites]


Given the amount of time I spend in bed with my Kindle relative to time spent with my husband... umm. Never mind...
posted by bitter-girl.com at 9:57 AM on June 28, 2015 [2 favorites]


Just seeing him gave iPad a frisson in her digitizer. Kindle looked hard and tough. He was wearing a well-worn black leather case and had just gotten some fresh ink done...
posted by double block and bleed at 9:57 AM on June 28, 2015 [5 favorites]


5000 - 8000 words per 'book'? That's just a long conference paper ...
posted by carter at 9:58 AM on June 28, 2015


Authors get paid when their work is borrowed from Kindle Unlimited -- recently it was a little over $1 per KU download (if the reader reads at least 10% of the book), which certainly isn't bad for a short story. KU recently reworked its terms so that authors get paid per page read rather than per book downloaded, so I'd expect that to change the market somewhat.
posted by Jeanne at 9:59 AM on June 28, 2015 [2 favorites]


It would maybe be fun to look at one of those books for giggles, but my Amazon recommendations are fucked-up enough already.
posted by double block and bleed at 10:00 AM on June 28, 2015 [5 favorites]


Serene Empress Dork, sometimes the free material leads the reader to seek out the author's for-purchase works.

the crack dealer business model has had many years of success.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:00 AM on June 28, 2015 [8 favorites]


For you digital assistant lovers out there, I give you Conquered by Clippy, part of a trilogy that also includes Apple Watch and Tetromino (Tetris piece for the uninitiated) erotica.

Apologies if this is in the article, it's not loading on my laptop for some reason.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:04 AM on June 28, 2015 [6 favorites]


Where on earth is the instruction manual to get started on this dazzling and profitable career? My first draft of "Bred by the Billionaire Melamine Diner Tray" is almost done.
posted by mittens at 10:22 AM on June 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


It's almost comical how these stories are like a hodgepodge of distilled idealized hegemonic masculine traits--Seduced By The Wall Street Werewolf, Billionaire Baby Auction, Bought By The Alpha Wolf--rich and powerful white men with abs, owning women and children! It's like, both hilarious but kind of depressing at the same time.

The trick is to think of your readers as the typical repressed housewife with an average sex life -- I pretend every time I get a sale, it's Marge Simpson buying a book -- and they're paying to get the dirtiest sex imaginable.

Is that why someone like me with lots of partners and sorta kinky sex actually seeks the abysmally rare porn featuring happy queer sex with no power dynamics and no gender roles?

Also I'm scared to know what clicking these links are going to do to my Amazon recommendations.
posted by picklenickle at 10:26 AM on June 28, 2015 [6 favorites]


I prefer the sequel, Pounded In the Butt By My Book 'Pounded In the Butt By My Own Butt'

Reamed By My Reaction To The Title Of This Book

this has gone too far

(The lone customer review:

For a silly gay "erotic" story, the existential crisis is strong and fascinating.

I wish this was taught in advanced literature or philosophy. Being a Tingle fan for a while, I was surprised at how....meta this book was. It's actually pretty existential and has some really fascinating thought processes: what happens when a character in a short erotic fiction realizes that not only is he a fictional character short erotic fiction story, but that he only exists for the pleasure of the reader? How does he cope with the fact that he recognizes he will "die" once the story is over in a few pages?

And of course there's obligatory pounding and general shenanigans.
)
posted by kagredon at 10:49 AM on June 28, 2015 [19 favorites]


I'm scared to know what clicking these links are going to do to my Amazon recommendations.

I was renovating my bathroom recently, bought some sanitary ware from Amazon, and soon after the home page showed me 'Treat Yourself' above three toilets in a row.
posted by colie at 10:51 AM on June 28, 2015 [27 favorites]


Were they really nice toilets?
posted by double block and bleed at 11:20 AM on June 28, 2015 [6 favorites]


this has gone too far

On the contrary - by all appearances, Prof. Tingle is only in the early stages of constructing a massive, fractal-like oeuvre of direct-to-Kindle butt pounding narratives.
posted by ryanshepard at 11:55 AM on June 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


I'm really glad that the kinds of people who used to fill up the Erotic Mind Control Stories Archive [NSFW] can now make a living off of their passions.
posted by egypturnash at 12:19 PM on June 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


Also I'm scared to know what clicking these links are going to do to my Amazon recommendations.

this is literally what incognito browsing was created for.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:08 PM on June 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


I'm really glad that the kinds of people who used to fill up the Erotic Mind Control Stories Archive [NSFW] can now make a living off of their passions.

I bear no resemblance at all to that remark.
(Mostly 'cause I got my start on Literotica, thank you very much.)
posted by scaryblackdeath at 1:11 PM on June 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


"Stolid?"
posted by Wolfdog at 2:00 PM on June 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: obligatory pounding and general shenanigans; a massive, fractal-like oeuvre of direct-to-Kindle butt pounding narratives. MetaFilter: I got my start on Literotica, thank you very much.

Thanks to this thread, I now know that "Angry Man Pounded By The Fear Of His Latent Gayness Over A Dinosaur Transitioning Into A Unicorn" is a... "book"? that exists. It's like, wow. You've actually got a pretty remarkable handle on something. I'm just not sure exactly what.

MetaFilter: literally what incognito browsing was created for.
posted by mrgoat at 2:19 PM on June 28, 2015 [5 favorites]


"billionaire breeder erotica": the ultimate art form for our new age of burgeoning economic inequality.
posted by doctornemo at 2:34 PM on June 28, 2015


[excerpt from "Mounted by a Milliardnaire"]

"It's just... I expected you to be richer", sighed Samantha. "My last master was a multi-millionaire"
Maximillian's eyes flared to pinholes as he grabbed Samantha's wrist and gently but forcefully maneuvered her against into a corner of the wall. "Don't you understand, I'm a milliard-naire", he grunted.
Samantha let out a little yelp, but her eyes glazed over with defiance and she tilted her head, like the quizzical look given by a dog except sarcastic, as she said, "how can a millionaire be more wealthy than a multi-millionaire. Really, Maxi".
Maximillian had hated that name ever since he had been a kid. He bent her over the corner and snorted, "Didn't they teach you powers of ten in Harvard biochemistry school? Let me refresh your memory. Ten...". And with that he gave her a light spank. "Hundred..." A slightly harder spank. "Thousand, ten-thousand, hundred-thousand..." an arpeggio of spanks growing in intensity.
"Yes I'm so rusty on my power of ten-names, please educate me" intoned Samantha.
"million, ten-MILLION, HUNDRED MILLION..." rang out Maximillian to the beat of his own percussion on her posterior.
"YES YES KEEP GOING"
"MILLIARD..."
"STOP!" shouted Samantha, and Maximillian's open palm froze a millimeter from her reddened skin.
'Stop' was their safe word.
"Maxi, the next power of ten is a billion" said Samantha with a bemused and nonplussed air.
"No, a billion is a million million. A thousand million is a milliard" replied Max.
"Alexa" interjected Samantha. 'Alexa' was the name of their Amazon Echo (tm), a voice-controlled digital assistant that could answer simple questions as well as performing tasks such as playing music and placing orders on Amazon (tm). It was possible to change the Amazon Echo (tm)'s name to 'Amazon', but Samantha, always a touch sentimental, preferred the more personal name 'Alexa'. As the Amazon Echo (tm)'s ring of lights shone blue to indicate that it had heard her, she continued, "what is a billion?"
posted by Pyry at 3:25 PM on June 28, 2015 [18 favorites]


(I KNOW cortex will delete this but...)
What about "Mounted by a Millard's Aero"?
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:14 PM on June 28, 2015


Listen, as far as niche fetishes and clever titles on Kingle may go, nobody can beat Chuck Tingle, author of such works as Pounded In the Butt By My Own Butt.

If you go far enough through the search results you eventually get wannabe Chuck Tingles, who have manged to work "Chuck" and "tingle" somewhere into their stories, presumably so they can show up in this exact search.

For The Love of Butternut Squash (Vegetable Erotica Book 1)
Spaghetti Monster Lover
posted by BungaDunga at 6:02 PM on June 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


Hypnotized by the Wet Paper Towel on the Men's Room Floor at Barnes and Noble, Which sort of Looked like a Unicorn but I Think had Pee on it.
posted by mittens at 6:57 PM on June 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


Some Google engineer will feed these to a neural net and be able to generate porn for any fetish, on demand.

That might be how the Singularity starts.
posted by BungaDunga at 8:27 PM on June 28, 2015


Bonus: I think this reddit user is the real Chuck Tingle. His participation on the site is exactly what I would expect.

Pounded in the Ass by my own Reddit AMA post
posted by idiopath at 8:51 PM on June 28, 2015


Bonus: I think this reddit user is the real Chuck Tingle. His participation on the site is exactly what I would expect.

I didn't know clavdivs had a brother.
posted by kagredon at 9:38 PM on June 28, 2015


Brother or ...clone?

I smell an opening market.
posted by The Whelk at 9:56 PM on June 28, 2015


It looks like a good return on 8k/week word output, tbh, with no research. But the whole "Pounded In The Butt And No Longer A Millionaire Due To Amazon's Strong, Silent Habit Of Pulling Me Off" causes detumescence.

Still, the game of skirting around (ho) the rules is quite tempting. I wonder if morlock porn counts as bestiality...

And where on earth do you get the cover art? Are there license-free libraries of that stuff?
posted by Devonian at 4:03 AM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


opening market

Is that a euphemism?
posted by mittens at 4:06 AM on June 29, 2015


No, it is a double penetration entendre.
posted by Apoch at 4:26 AM on June 29, 2015


Actually (read the FPP, d'oh) the author's blogsite has lots of practical advice on cover art, etc. Especially the etc. My goodness.
posted by Devonian at 5:16 AM on June 29, 2015


I wonder if my niche could be catering to the fetishes of Christian conservatives.

Pounded in the Butt by the Supreme Court

Slamming the Coffin of Religious Freedom... and I'm Inside!

Home School Hijinks

The Werewolf Vaccination Saga
posted by Short Attention Sp at 5:37 AM on June 29, 2015


Bonus: I think this reddit user is the real Chuck Tingle. His participation on the site is exactly what I would expect.

'first things first always buy stock photo from real website you goofball with permission, that way ted cobbler cant make you a court man sayin "guess this my new home in a jail go figure"'

Good advice from Dr. Tingle
posted by Itaxpica at 1:24 PM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


Amazon set to pay self-published authors as little as $0.006 per page read

Imagine this gonna have a pretty big impact on Tingle style writers
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:17 AM on July 2, 2015


I wonder how much of their income was coming from the two programs (lending library and kindle unlimited) vs people outright buying their stories?
posted by mittens at 5:49 AM on July 2, 2015


Or, to put it another way, assuming a fairly consistent customer base that wants to read these stories, will that customer base go back to paying 0.99-2.99 for the stories, since presumably authors will be pulling out (hehe) of the two Kindle programs?
posted by mittens at 5:57 AM on July 2, 2015


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