“SO DO I!!!!!”
June 29, 2015 11:59 AM   Subscribe

Why Disney Marriages Never Work: [SLYT] What happens after the credit roll is the truly depressing part.
posted by Fizz (35 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 




They picked the best one to parody. Man, that scene at the end of the movie, when they're dancing and stuff? Literally seconds after that must have been when the first of them started to realize that they were a bunch of servants of nobles, stuck in a dilapidated castle in the middle of nowhere, who had magically had no need to eat for a decade but who were all going to be pretty hungry, pretty quick.

Their best hope would be to set off immediately, on foot, for the nearest other court that they could throw themselves at the feet of and hope against hope that the other lord or lady would decide that it was worth propping up a supposed noble that hadn't been heard of in years. Maybe for political reasons, or something.

Otherwise, they might all have to work for a living.
posted by gurple at 12:46 PM on June 29, 2015 [6 favorites]


Well, I already know that Mulan and Shang didn't work out, because Mulan ended up alone and lovesick over Aurora.
posted by imnotasquirrel at 1:13 PM on June 29, 2015 [7 favorites]


Presumably the enchantment (or fear of it) was what kept another country/fiefdom from taking this one over, like a magical toxic waste site. Though you have to wonder if a neighboring country wouldn't try to take over the surrounding village (villages?) and leave the castle alone. Or perhaps it was merely a city-state that had had a weak ruler and so got along fairly well with just a council. The Prince Formerly Known as The Beast would definitely need to make strong connections to other nobility to retake any power. Unfortunately, he'd already married a merchant's daughter. Unless he was unscrupulous enough to dump her, he would have to settle for having kids and marrying them off to neighboring nobility. However, wouldn't the nearby nobles refuse to marry their children to the progency of a jumped-up merchant's daughter?

But it is also possible he had a lot of gold stored in that castle, in which case, they'll be fine.
posted by emjaybee at 1:20 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


Mmm, even with a lot of gold (which seems a possibility) there could still be big problems. If he tried to approach a neighboring noble and make use of that gold, the noble might realize that the erstwhile Beast had no fighters to help him keep the gold and just take it.

Another way to use the gold would be to buy stuff from neighboring villages, but that would attract the attention of whatever neighbor had quietly absorbed those villages years ago, again leading to a likely beatdown.

Another strategy might be to use the money to raise a fighting force, hoping that the small size of their operation and their remoteness would discourage other nobles from attacking.

Those are all short-term solutions, though. In order to survive past the point of burning through their reserves, they'd have to carve out an agricultural base somehow. That means conflict or alliance, both of which are problematic.
posted by gurple at 1:28 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


They keep saying Beast was some sort of bear thing. He had horns! He had a long, fluffy tail! If anything, he was some sort of dog-bison hybrid.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:54 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


Chip has spent, what most of his life as a cup? Does he hide in the cubbard, now that he's in human form? Does he try to hold hot liquids in his hands? Is he still terrified of "chipping?" Does the sight of someone drinking out of a tea cup give him nightmares?

So many questions.
posted by The Whelk at 2:00 PM on June 29, 2015 [23 favorites]


Literally seconds after that must have been when the first of them started to realize that they were a bunch of servants of nobles, stuck in a dilapidated castle in the middle of nowhere, who had magically had no need to eat for a decade but who were all going to be pretty hungry, pretty quick.

You're forgetting about the serf underclass of the surrounding farmland, which either quickly allied themselves with adjacent lords for protection or (I prefer this one) recognized that the magical vanishing of their landlord provides an unexpected opportunity to explore self-governance in the service of their now significant grain surplus. The local town mayors and sheriffs would likely have come to some sort of tax-sharing and mutual support accord, a proto-Hanseatic league, if you will. They would, of course, also need to develop some sort of local militia (or hired mercenaries) for mutual defense.

How do you think these new wealthy, autonomous, and well-armed burghers would take to a now-powerless 'prince' and his coterie of courtesans demanding fealty and taxes?

With blood, that's what.
posted by leotrotsky at 2:04 PM on June 29, 2015 [9 favorites]


Also, all those servants came from somewhere right? Had families? Friends? Maybe the town connected to the castle withered away when people kept shouting from town to town that thier relatives are now pillow cushions and no one would believe them?
posted by The Whelk at 2:06 PM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


You're forgetting about the serf underclass of the surrounding farmland, which either quickly allied themselves with adjacent lords for protection or (I prefer this one) recognized that the magical vanishing of their landlord provides an unexpected opportunity to explore self-governance in the service of their now significant grain surplus. The local town mayors and sheriffs would likely have come to some sort of tax-sharing and mutual support accord, a proto-Hanseatic league, if you will. They would, of course, also need to develop some sort of local militia (or hired mercenaries) for mutual defense.

Basically the only qualities we're aware that the townsfolk possess are mob-mentality and hateful anti-intellectualism. I don't know how enlightened we can expect them to be during the interregnum.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:10 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


Well, maybe it's a massacre at the hands of an army or a militia; or maybe it's starvation in obscurity. But at least we can all agree that the film ended at more or less the absolute last moment that the ending could have been spun as "happy", rather than, say "cannibaltastic".

It's truly the bleakest and most depressing of the Disney films. I can only assume that's why my daughter loves it so much.
posted by gurple at 2:13 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


Basically the only qualities we're aware that the townsfolk possess are mob-mentality and hateful anti-intellectualism. I don't know how enlightened we can expect them to be during the interregnum.

... O.K., so now they're ruled by a war-lord. How is that better for Beast? In that case, his head's on a pike and Belle's the newest addition to Immortan Gaston's harem.
posted by leotrotsky at 2:15 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


Based on the costuming, the only timeline that even slightly makes sense would have the Beast being cursed shortly before the French Revolution, which also explains how an entire castle and member of the nobility went missing without anyone noticing.
posted by nonasuch at 2:16 PM on June 29, 2015 [5 favorites]




It's truly the bleakest and most depressing of the Disney films.

No, that's be The Fox and the Hound. That's even setting aside the fact that it's clearly a parable advocating for racial segregation.
posted by leotrotsky at 2:21 PM on June 29, 2015 [7 favorites]


Gaston's dead per the movie, but maybe he has a vengeful brother who causes trouble.

Based on the costuming, the only timeline that even slightly makes sense would have the Beast being cursed shortly before the French Revolution, which also explains how an entire castle and member of the nobility went missing without anyone noticing.

Oh well, if it's Napoleonic France, then currying favor with the Emperor and industrialization seem like the best paths to power. Build some munitions factories for the Emperor's armies.
posted by emjaybee at 2:21 PM on June 29, 2015


Well, Immortan Gaston is dead, which is the only thing that B&B have going for them right now, aside from some lingering loyalty to the nobles, even if that loyalty is waning quickly and lacking in much true passion. If Belle is smart - and we know she's very intelligent but we know little of her political acumen except that she is not well-loved by the townsfolk - she will make much hay out of her position as a commoner raised up to the level of "Lady" to make the other commoners feel included in the system and simultaneously warn the Royals of fomenting rebellion, thus earning their favor. It's a tightrope of a game, though.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:21 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


Well, I already know that Mulan and Shang didn't work out, because Mulan

... is far too good for Shang. He's tall and good looking and pretty competent and all, but he's got the personality of driftwood and she's twice as ballsy as he'll ever be.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 2:44 PM on June 29, 2015


gurple: "It's truly the bleakest and most depressing of the Disney films."

I take it you have not seen "The British Liberate the Nazi Concentration Camps, but as Dogs" aka "101 Dalmations." BLEAK AS FUCK.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:47 PM on June 29, 2015 [7 favorites]


Queen Elinor in Brave struck me as a fairytale princess who couldn't live the life she expected as a teenager.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:49 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


I take it you have not seen "The British Liberate the Nazi Concentration Camps, but as Dogs" aka "101 Dalmations." BLEAK AS FUCK

And I take it neither of you have seen Song of the South, where it feels like all the characters have guns pointed at them from offscreen.
posted by item at 3:29 PM on June 29, 2015 [7 favorites]


Queen Elinor in Brave struck me as a fairytale princess who couldn't live the life she expected as a teenager.

I was mostly horrified by the idea of giving birth to triplets in the Middle Ages. shudder.
posted by emjaybee at 3:30 PM on June 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


"The British Liberate the Nazi Concentration Camps, but as Dogs" aka "101 Dalmations."

I HAD NO IDEA.
posted by corb at 3:55 PM on June 29, 2015 [6 favorites]


The ending of Frozen is pretty bleak, too. A newly-crowned queen has terrifying weaponry at her disposal, and she's decided that her personal distaste for her closest trade partner, the Duke of Weselton, is more important than their trade relations.

Is there any doubt about what happens next? She takes what her kingdom needs by force. Armies of ice giants become the terror of the globe. Elsa's kindhearted sister will obviously object to this new regime and be tossed in the dungeon, as an example to any peasants who might resist her.

Honestly, this is a sequel I simply can't wait for!
posted by gurple at 4:15 PM on June 29, 2015 [7 favorites]


My memory is hazy, but wasn't Hunchback pretty grim, too?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:17 PM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


leotrotsky: "How do you think these new wealthy, autonomous, and well-armed burghers would take to a now-powerless 'prince' and his coterie of courtesans demanding fealty and taxes? "

"Courtiers." Unless Beauty and the Beast was a lot kinkier than I remember.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:25 PM on June 29, 2015 [6 favorites]


"I HAD NO IDEA."

Watch it again as an adult, it is SUPER DISTURBING. I mean the ending is happy and all but the first 90% of the movie is STRAIGHT UP NAZIS. The puppies are even held in "Hell Hall." Plus all the starvation during the escape ... Even Seth MacFarlane noticed. See also, The Great Escape.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:06 PM on June 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


The ending of Frozen is pretty bleak, too.

Actually, from the advance script I got a look at, the sequel seems pretty interesting. With Elsa gathering a small army of magical people, an old bedridden wizard decides to gather a grip of teenagers to oppose her plans for making Europe "safe" for magical people.

The lineup isn't set, but so far it's made up of a girl who can fly, a girl who can turn into living fire, a girl who's brutal strength and appearance hides a brilliant mind, a girl who can destroy anything she sees, and a boy who can move things with his mind.

It looks pretty original and interesting so far.
posted by happyroach at 10:28 PM on June 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


The other thing that always messes me up is how Lumiere has been consistently harassing Babette/Fifi for years. I mean, dude is sexually aggressive. And that was as a household object, now that he's been transformed back into a human. Dear lord.
posted by Fizz at 2:49 AM on June 30, 2015


You are all wrong. Clearly, all the princesses have been living together ever since the end of their respective movies. Anything else is simply risible (and not nearly as adorable as envisioned by Amy Mebberson).
posted by bouvin at 4:00 AM on June 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


happyroach, please tell me you're not making that shit up.
posted by lodurr at 7:14 AM on June 30, 2015


I dare say it's a joke about super powered teenagers who attend insitututes of higher learning lodurr
posted by The Whelk at 7:49 AM on June 30, 2015 [2 favorites]


Elsa would've made a great Magneto-esque character had Frozen ended on a darker note and Anna hadn't thawed:

"Never again," cries Queen Elsa, as she walks slowly through the icebound streets of Arendelle. The fleeing Duke of Weselton and his ginger thugs are soon impaled by sprouting shards of ice. They are the first of many. The next few hours are not kind to those who had imprisoned her, or to their children. The Cold takes most of the rest. It doesn't bother her, anyway.

Eventually she turns her pale eyes towards the now cowering Prince Hans. He has survived. This is not an accident. As she approaches, he begins to shake, perhaps from the cold. "But not you." she reflects, "No, you deserve something far more ...lengthy."

She begins to sing, very slowly, very softly, ♫ "You'll be searching your whole life to end your own pain."♫

Then she laughs, like she did with Anna as a child. Except this time it doesn't reach her eyes.

posted by leotrotsky at 9:12 AM on June 30, 2015 [4 favorites]




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