Saved by the Bell: Written by English occultist Alesiter Crowley
July 1, 2015 9:04 AM   Subscribe

Someone is turning the Saved By The Bell Wiki into a thing of beauty. The Onion's AV Club notices that a wiki for Saved by the Bell has been taken over by malevolent, occult forces that communicate in messages of existential despair, as in this quote by Screech: I think we are just insects, we live a bit and then die and that’s the lot. There’s no mercy in things. There’s not even a Great Beyond. There’s nothing.

Other samples, from Slater's War: Called an "emotional snuff-film" by The Boston Globe. Ebert refered to this infamous episode as "Hallmark, with a dash of Terrence Malick". Writer Don DeLillo warned that this episode, "...heralds the death-knell of all human consciousness. Its cloying ghost images are burned onto the inner retina of every American who watched television in the past ten years. Like a planted seed."

Wedding Plans: The script for Wedding Plans (full title: Which is also Falsely Called BREAKS. The Wanderings or Falsifications of the One Thought of Frater Perdurabo, which Thought is itself Untrue. Liber CCCXXXIII [Book 333]) was written by English occultist and teacher Aleister Crowley (using the pen name of Frater Perdurabo). As Crowley describes it: "This episode deals with many matters on all planes of the very highest importance. It is an official publication for Babes of the Abyss, but is recommended even to beginners as highly suggestive."

The Homecoming: Guest director for this episode was Ruggero Deodato, the director of controversial Italian snuff film "Cannibal Holocaust".
posted by maxsparber (39 comments total) 25 users marked this as a favorite
 
sigh *hits speed dial for the SCP* It escaped, again.
posted by The Whelk at 9:07 AM on July 1, 2015 [25 favorites]


I feel like both the writer of this article and the person who destroyed the Wiki have missed the boat on why Saved by the Bell is so awesome.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:11 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm so thankful nobody in my teen cohort was ever into Saved by the Bell.
That's one less cruddy pop culture product for which I need to feel a misplaced nostalgia.
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:16 AM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]


I feel like both the writer of this article and the person who destroyed the Wiki have missed the boat on why Saved by the Bell is so awesome.

No, the nihilistic tremor perpetuated through Bayside high by the maleovelant and twisted actions of its teen inmates and the Kafkaesque response by the school's unfathomable bureaucracy has always been the primary appeal of SBTB.
posted by griphus at 9:18 AM on July 1, 2015 [14 favorites]


for whom does the saved by the bell toll?
posted by The Whelk at 9:18 AM on July 1, 2015 [12 favorites]


My antivirus doesn't like that wiki and I'm getting weird popups.
posted by howfar at 9:18 AM on July 1, 2015


And while [M]essing with Wikipedia is kind of annoying in general, what’s happening to the Saved By The Bell Wiki is a thing of genuine beauty and if you want to do this sort of performance art, feel free to start your own blog.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:21 AM on July 1, 2015 [6 favorites]


There was no student named "Tori Scott." Every episode involving her was told from the unreliable perspective of confused teenagers in mourning for friends and lovers who vanished overnight, their homes abandoned, their lockers empty, and their absence marked only by The Belding's insistence that there were no girls, have never been any girls, and will never be any girls.
posted by griphus at 9:21 AM on July 1, 2015 [23 favorites]


And while [M]essing with Wikipedia is kind of annoying in general, what’s happening to the Saved By The Bell Wiki is a thing of genuine beauty and if you want to do this sort of performance art, feel free to start your own blog.

It's not Wikipedia, it's Wikia, which is a private wiki-hosting service. This is their blog. And it's cool as hell, too.
posted by alphagator at 9:25 AM on July 1, 2015 [16 favorites]


I'm so thankful nobody in my teen cohort was ever into Saved by the Bell.

It wasn't for teens, is the whole thing. I'd say the target audience was about 7 to 11 years old. It was on Saturday mornings, in the same block as a slew of godawful kids' cartoons.

(Even those of us who watched it as eight-year-olds knew full well it was terrible.)
posted by Sys Rq at 9:31 AM on July 1, 2015 [7 favorites]


It's not Wikipedia, it's Wikia, which is a private wiki-hosting service. This is their blog. And it's cool as hell, too.

Sites like that are usually presented as being the definitive source of actual show information (characters, episodes, plot lines); there's nothing on that Wiki that would suggest it's trying to be anything else. I use similar sites frequently when trying to learn more about certain shows. For one person to pop in and add in all sorts of nonsense crap everywhere seems to betray what the user base at large would want to use it for. And I don't think that's fair, or cool. You can do that sort of thing on your own blog. Of course, you'd have to build an audience first for that, which is a lot of work. I guess it's easier to spray graffiti all over something other people built.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:43 AM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]


I̧'m ͟so̷ exci̸t͢ed!
I'̷m so ̵exci͏t̷ed!
H̫͍͞E̼̜̫ͅ ̨C͡O̝̤̲̺̥͎͠M͚̗̼̪͓E̪͕̹̜͉͖ͅS̙̠̖̺̜͎!̸͓̟͓

posted by leotrotsky at 9:44 AM on July 1, 2015 [24 favorites]


Oh, weird. I had no idea that the musical episode from Season 3 was written and performed by Lee Marvin (on his birthday, no less).
posted by schmod at 9:46 AM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]


"H̫͍͞E̼̜̫ͅ ̨C͡O̝̤̲̺̥͎͠M͚̗̼̪͓E̪͕̹̜͉͖ͅS̙̠̖̺̜͎!̸͓̟͓"

Better get a poncho.
posted by jferg at 9:47 AM on July 1, 2015 [3 favorites]


The Good Morning Miss Bliss episodes restructured for airing under the Saved by the Bell aegis were not real prequels. They were the idealized world implanted into the ZM-6 Construct (codename "Zack Morris") to regulate his behavior among other humans. The scientists in charge were clever enough to prevent his neuroprotocol from ever questioning why so many people from his "past" had showed up thousands of miles away in the present.
posted by griphus at 9:48 AM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]


Jessie: "You macho pig."
Slater: "We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far, baby."
Screech: "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"
posted by leotrotsky at 9:51 AM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]


I feel like both the writer of this article and the person who destroyed the Wiki have missed the boat on why Saved by the Bell is so awesome.

It's awesome because the broad strokes it was painted in made it cheesily enjoyable in itself but also perfect for culture-remixing like this. Its flatness gave it the potential for multidimensionality.

Plus it will eternally be twinned in the minds of many with Showgirls, which has its own remarkable moment of relevance today as--20 years(!) after its release--Elisabeth Berkley finally attended a screening and came to terms with what it meant for her.
posted by psoas at 9:56 AM on July 1, 2015 [4 favorites]


There was no student named "Tori Scott."

Tori Scott anagrams to "Tics Rot To[o]"

Coincidence? I think not.
posted by leotrotsky at 10:00 AM on July 1, 2015


You can do that sort of thing on your own blog. Of course, you'd have to build an audience first for that, which is a lot of work. I guess it's easier to spray graffiti all over something other people built.

I respect the sober judgment and consideration reflected in your opinion. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go read about the episode where Zach trains himself in "the brown arts" to woo Kelly away from a coprophilic rival suitor. Because that is too goddamn funny.
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 10:20 AM on July 1, 2015 [5 favorites]


Zack: Time Out!
*A member of the long-dead race of Yith inhabits his body*
posted by infinitewindow at 10:22 AM on July 1, 2015 [6 favorites]


Sites like that are usually presented as being the definitive source of actual show information (characters, episodes, plot lines); there's nothing on that Wiki that would suggest it's trying to be anything else.

Except the content.
posted by layceepee at 11:11 AM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]


You can't expect dummies like me (who, not coincidentally, love Saved by the frickin' Bell) to understand such subtle humor!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:13 AM on July 1, 2015


So if this is one person's project and not an act of vandalism, does the creator pull the 'base' content from another Saved By The Bell wiki? Is that kosher, copyright-wise?
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:39 AM on July 1, 2015


This is a start. Next we need to investigate the "missing time" problem in the transition from "Happy Days" to "Joanie Loves Chachi". Undoubtedly there are horrifying insights as to the nature of time and the universe to be gained from this study.
posted by happyroach at 11:53 AM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


This is a start. Next we need to investigate the "missing time" problem in the transition from "Happy Days" to "Joanie Loves Chachi". Undoubtedly there are horrifying insights as to the nature of time and the universe to be gained from this study.

Also, the sudden disappearance and subsequent erasure of Chuck Cunningham.

Though I'm pretty sure he's in Mandyville, with the second Becky Connor and Edna DeFazio.
posted by ApathyGirl at 12:16 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]


So if this is one person's project and not an act of vandalism, does the creator pull the 'base' content from another Saved By The Bell wiki?



There never has been another Saved By The Bell wiki. It never existed.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:22 PM on July 1, 2015


Also, the sudden disappearance and subsequent erasure of Chuck Cunningham.

He moved to New York, cut his hair into a reverse mohawk, and was killed by Charles Bronson.
posted by maxsparber at 1:34 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


with the second Becky Connor

Heh.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:01 PM on July 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


Somewhere in the depths of April Richardson's excellent podcast Go Bayside, April and that episode's guest proposed an alternate Saved By The Bell where the students of Bayside lived in fear of the totalitarian regime that was Zack Morris and his cohorts. People steered clear of the cabal, hoping their club or sport would go unnoticed, lest The Group move in and take over all activities. Work hard to become captain of the varsity track team? Uh oh, Zack morris has expressed interest. The next day Zack is the captain of the team. He has always been captain. In the talent show? Watch out, Slater is too, and Zack will stop at nothing to destroy him. The assistant in your magic act was poisoned when they picked up the wrong cup of water. When they collapsed you could have sworn you heard distant laughter. Today you will be forced to lie to a congress-person about Kelly's devotion to the AV Club so she can get into college. You've never met Kelly, but today she is your best friend, today she knows everything about you, today you remember her at your 7th birthday party. Tomorrow, you will be shoved into a locker by Slater. Kelly will laugh. She does not know your name. She never did.
posted by gc at 5:03 PM on July 1, 2015 [2 favorites]


So, like, a combination of Scalzi's Redshirts and the afterschool special The Wave?
posted by infinitewindow at 8:15 PM on July 1, 2015


I hope there's a special channel that plays these episodes of SBTB in between reruns of Candle Cove and Doug.
posted by Apocryphon at 9:44 PM on July 1, 2015


So, question about the opening theme: It opens with the singer complaining about being late, but he's "saved by the bell." How would that happen? Is he so late that he's getting the second bell and leaving? Does the singer not understand the bell system? Does Bayside run on non-Euclidean time?
posted by klangklangston at 3:19 PM on July 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


It refers to John Donne's bell, which tolled for Miss Bliss and solved all of Zack's problems.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:58 PM on July 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


it tolled, not for the singer, but for the singer's teacher, who was dead (so no one took attendance)
posted by NoraReed at 4:58 PM on July 3, 2015


oh wait that is probably what sys rq said

sorry for repeating the joke. my medications are not working very well today and my comprehension is low
posted by NoraReed at 4:59 PM on July 3, 2015


my medications are not working very well today and my comprehension is low

That's from the little-known extended version of the theme song.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:13 PM on July 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


accidental effexor withdrawls remix
posted by NoraReed at 10:45 PM on July 3, 2015


Given my own experience with the amazing specificity of some mental health medications, I was willing to believe that there was a medication that had the side effect of rephrasing jokes.
posted by klangklangston at 10:47 PM on July 3, 2015


nah, it just makes my brain fuzzy so i am capable of thinking "wow, that funny joke just came into my brain" but not the part that is "yes, you saw it on your screen 20 seconds ago, it just took you a little while to parse it and Get It and now you are literally reposting the same thing"

i went and got my refill and am fine now
posted by NoraReed at 10:57 PM on July 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


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