I photo the firework

July 4, 2015 11:20 AM

Once again, Cabel Sasser runs The Gauntlet of Washington fireworks sellers to bring you the very best in fireworks packaging. I will take a case of Angry Beaver!

This tradition goes back a long way, and in some ways is a brief lesson in hosting your own content.
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Previously on MetaFilter:
Light blooming ground flower, then back away
Boom Boom Boom
Firecracker Packs

posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit (32 comments total)

I imagine the graphic designer at the firework factory is just hooked up to a red bull iv.
posted by drezdn at 11:28 AM on July 4, 2015

True story: I carry a smoke bomb on me at all times in case I run into someone I just don't want to talk to.
posted by sexyrobot at 11:29 AM on July 4, 2015 [5 favorites]

We picked up out fireworks last night. Pretty standard faire. "Golden Shower" is a perennial favorite, but I did notice an intriguing new addition: "Doggy Takes a Dump". They were sold out.
posted by Brocktoon at 11:36 AM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

One would think "Rod Show" and "Angry Beaver" would together merit a category or their own. Wouldn't one? Of course one would. Definitely not just me.
posted by Western Infidels at 11:42 AM on July 4, 2015

Two thumbs up for the weird AIDS awareness fireworks. Would love to hear the story behind that one.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 11:48 AM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Bone Yard is simply ripped-off artwork from the Williams Junk Yard pinball game.
posted by lagomorphius at 12:03 PM on July 4, 2015 [6 favorites]

Now I know where David Simon got his names for crack.

"Snazzy Z! Got your Snazzy Z right here."

"Get your High Falutin'!"

"Global Warming all sold out! Time for Bite Your Tushy! Bite Your Tushy right here!"
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 12:03 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

Is Washington not under a fire ban? I'm just North of there in BC, and our news is wall-to-wall "please stop lighting shit on fire" announcements every day and has been for weeks.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:08 PM on July 4, 2015

Nope! Crazy as it sounds, fireworks are totally fine throughout most of Washington (might be some counties/municipalities that don't allow them) despite our crazy hot and dry early summer. Campfires are banned at state parks currently, but fireworks are apparently A-ok!
posted by Jawn at 12:20 PM on July 4, 2015

Well, since this got posted here, I guess I'll mention that there's a bit of a stir in the furry fandom because the poster for Midwest Fur Fest 2010 got ripped off for a firework package.
posted by hippybear at 12:26 PM on July 4, 2015 [8 favorites]

Hmmm. I wonder how many who have actually been in firefights or even skirmishes are all that keen on the fireworks thing. I'm not.
posted by notreally at 12:31 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

I would certainly have expected someone advertising 500 grams of C.R.E.A.M. to be selling something else, also purchased with the intention of setting it on fire.
posted by penduluum at 1:20 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: This tradition goes back a long way, and in some ways is a brief lesson in hosting your own content.
posted by penduluum at 1:22 PM on July 4, 2015

Fireworks for girls?!?!!
posted by tickingclock at 1:23 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

How are you not horrified by these loud colorful explosions?
posted by idiopath at 1:33 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Is Washington not under a fire ban?

Washington Gov. Jay Inslee can declare a statewide emergency, suspend the death penalty, even call up the National Guard, but when it comes to banning fireworks, the governor says his hands are tied.
Inslee’s office points out that, according to the Revised Code of Washington, once the governor proclaims an emergency — as he did last month due to wildfire dangers — the law provides a specific list of activities the governor is authorized to prohibit. Among other things, the list includes closing down certain streets or highways, banning the sale of alcohol, even limiting a citizen’s firearms rights outside of his or her home or business. “But fireworks isn’t on that list,” Inslee spokeswoman Jaime Smith said Thursday.
posted by 445supermag at 1:50 PM on July 4, 2015

MetaFilter: Warning -- Shoots Flaming Balls
posted by neroli at 2:23 PM on July 4, 2015 [4 favorites]

Is Washington not under a fire ban?

We are experiencing drought conditions similar to BC, though our media coverage of this has not been as extensive as in Canada. There are definitely burn bans in effect on a county level, though.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 2:29 PM on July 4, 2015

Depends on what media you're paying attention to. Spokane Public Radio, which covers most of the NE corner of WA through sister stations and repeaters, has been talking for months about the extreme lack of snowpack over the winter and the extensive dry weather and the red flag warnings and the fires and the ever increasing fire bans...
posted by hippybear at 2:34 PM on July 4, 2015

If I had the time I'd produce a cross-reference to YouTube to demonstrate each of these fireworks behind these packages.

Turns out some are kind of cool (Catcalls), while others are pretty sad (Bite your Tushy).

Now I want some kind of simulator where I'm given a $500 virtual budget to buy these things and then a video is assembled with all of them going off in order (or, just my pyro side talking, ALL AT ONCE). Then we could have contests and prizes and and and ......

sigh. I'm going back to my sparkler and pop caps. Don't feel like driving to Wisconsin.
posted by JoeZydeco at 3:12 PM on July 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Here in San Luis Obispo County, one of the most drought-stricken in the state (last winter's few serious storms either passed north or south of us), of the over 2 dozen local jurisdictions, 'safe and sane' fireworks are legal in only 5 (Arroyo Grande, Grover Beach, Oceano, San Miguel and Templeton). There are two local public fireworks displays, launched offshore at Pismo Beach and Cayucos, but a couple others have been cancelled, not due to fire danger, but the two separate volunteer organizations that do them every year have disbanded. That's a dud.

But I digress.
I want to express my disapproval of the packaging of the so-called "Angry Beaver" fireworks. THESE are the REAL Angry Beavers, stars of the just-plain-funniest Nickelodeon cartoon series between the Ren & Stimpy Era and the Spongebob Era. A genuine Angry Beavers fireworks display would be neither safe nor sane, since the cartoons never were, and would cause those watching to utter the immortal words (and recurring catchphrase) of Daggett Doofus Beaver (as voiced by Richard Steven Horvitz): "THAT WAS NUTS!"
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:27 PM on July 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

It sounds like Baghdad in 1991 outside and one of my dogs is alternately shivering and barking thanks to the incessant racket. It makes me long for the days when all you could get at the fireworks stand were roman candles, bottle rockets, sparklers, and black cats.

Nowadays you can buy shit that rivals the quarter million dollar shows that many cities put on.

And FWIW, from experience I can say that having the whole show go up at once is much less exciting than you'd think. It happened in Tulsa a few years back, and I was decidedly unimpressed. Turns out there's a reason those things are choreographed.
posted by wierdo at 6:30 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm almost positive the C.R.E.A.M. packaging should redirect to here: Wu-Tang Clan - C.R.E.A.M.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 7:14 PM on July 4, 2015

(I, too, loved the show Angry Beavers, who gave us everything from mispronouncing things in an excellent manner to an insane Halloween special to the greatest cartoon character of all time: Stump.)

It's a couple of hours until dark here and already I've heard a couple of loud reports. Maybe they were belatedly celebrating the England 3rd place finish over Germany in the Women's World Cup.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 8:30 PM on July 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

Here in Flunt, I just tell the dogs it's training for urban gurellia warfare.

And to cap it, after the fireworks last night, the CD sirens go off. Helicopters, (life flight just came in) and idiots are out capping the sky.
posted by clavdivs at 10:01 PM on July 4, 2015

The "Doggie takes dump" is the best. One I found awhile ago had the unpromising name of "Artificial Fire" and one I liked a lot had random soldiers of all nations (and eras) fighting each other topped with a burning American flag and the name "American Pride"
A poster I tried to get from a booth in the eighties was "Sonic Gorilla" complete with enraged gorilla holding flaming rockets in its outstretched arms.
posted by boilermonster at 12:09 AM on July 5, 2015

"Man Cave" just doesn't make any sense at all. The picture is a guy watching TV in an actual cave.
posted by colie at 1:51 AM on July 5, 2015

Nowadays you can buy shit that rivals the quarter million dollar shows that many cities put on.

Yeah, even here in Massachusetts where fireworks are still very illegal, it's become one of those idiotic suburban conspicuous consumption things to shoot off many thousands of dollars worth of professional grade aerials.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 5:02 AM on July 5, 2015

This one is total Metafilter - it's a librarian archetype, and probably the answer to someone's AskMe.
posted by oceanjesse at 8:34 AM on July 5, 2015

These all hit that perfect look, that exquisite 5-minutes-with-bootleg-Photoshop aesthetic. You must know the one I mean, beloved of porno DVD covers and ads for check cashing places the rest of the year. It's almost a movement to itself, though I wouldn't say of art.
posted by JHarris at 4:11 AM on July 6, 2015

Bone Yard is simply ripped-off artwork from the Williams Junk Yard pinball game.

I didn't expect to be reminded of that today, or in this context. (It's a great game BTW!)
posted by JHarris at 4:24 AM on July 6, 2015

So much stolen artwork, so little sourcing...
posted by Theta States at 7:36 AM on July 6, 2015