Top-secret agents leave Cheney's itinerary in a Salt Lake City souvenir shop.
February 26, 2002 3:22 PM   Subscribe

Top-secret agents leave Cheney's itinerary in a Salt Lake City souvenir shop. So much for "secret" service. I wonder if it listed Yahoo Map directions to Cheney's undisclosed location.
posted by billder (16 comments total)
No way -- this sounds like the first volley out of the Office Of Strategic Influence (disinformation), which coincidentally was shut down today. Or was it...?
posted by davidmsc at 3:34 PM on February 26, 2002

What they don't tell you is, this: if you manage to follow the itinerary and get to Cheney, you still have to fight all the level ninjas before you can face him.
Hint: You need the secret power-ups hidden at the North Carolina Cracker Barrel on I-95. Press down on the 'b' button twice.
posted by dong_resin at 3:45 PM on February 26, 2002

The last two paragraphs are hilarious! He didn't get a measly autographed picture in exchange for his honesty and discretion, so he went to the media.

Take that, Cheney!
posted by sillygwailo at 3:48 PM on February 26, 2002

I love that the good person reporting it wanted an autographed picture of Cheney as a token "reward" (perhaps the one with the knife?), and was rebuffed. I bet the Secret Service is sorry now that they didn't get Dick, snap a Polaroid and make him sign it. (Or maybe not.)
posted by ltracey at 3:50 PM on February 26, 2002

Very nice, Dong. I salute you for that one.

My guess is this happens much more often than is reported. The last paragraph is telling. The guy who worked at the shop went to the government first and offered to give it back to the feds, but when they refused to give him a souvenir in return, he chose to go to the police.

I imagine there is a system among the feds that keeps a lot of this stuff quiet, where our tax money goes in some small way to make it worth the witness' time to keep their mouth shut. The agent he spoke to on the phone probably didn't have security clearance to know this. If there isn't some kind of system for keeping this kind of stuff out of the media, I'd be very surprised.

It was an honest mistake, and considering everything the various security details were juggling the past two weeks, we should sigh in relief that this is the worst that it got. From a "war on terrorism" perspective, the Olympics was a very successful, but expensive, non-event.
posted by ZachsMind at 3:54 PM on February 26, 2002

The agents were at a skateboard and apparel shop...

Sounds more like Cheney's undisclosed location is here.
posted by liam at 3:54 PM on February 26, 2002

(perhaps the one with the knife?)
um, this one, or this one?
posted by quonsar at 4:15 PM on February 26, 2002


maybe he's hanging out with the bones brigade!

that would be f'n cool.

also, take note: fingerboarding is now apparently a sport. damn kids.
posted by fishfucker at 4:37 PM on February 26, 2002

That photo of Cheney reminds me a lot of the famous Churchill one (holding the tommy-gun) that the Germans used as a propaganda photo.
posted by smcniven at 4:57 PM on February 26, 2002

I think it was planted to throw us off his trail. After all, the american people haven't the right to know where the people they employ are and what the hell they're doing.

Oh, and favorite quote from recent events: the judge who tried whitewater is also trying Cheney regarding the information he is withholding from people. The judge said something like "If his dealings were on the level he should have nothing to worry about". That guy is my hero, the quote made me laugh my ass off. Can't wait for this trial - any way it goes, some shit somewhere is gonna hit some fan somewhere.
posted by Settle at 4:58 PM on February 26, 2002

smcniven: Churchill with a gun?
posted by dhartung at 5:27 PM on February 26, 2002

ZachsMind said "It was an honest mistake" "we should sigh in relief that this is the worst that it got."

You're a secret service agent doing a little shopping. OK. No big deal, everyone deserves a lil' time off. Somehow the document you are carrying gets in the way of whatever you are involved in (trying on a shirt, checking out the feel of the board for its "ollie" potential, whatever). Enough said, you're on R & R, you have earned this moment. No dispute there.

You think: "I'll set these/this document down for a moment while I get to the business at hand."

(secret service agent imagines self catching serious air off of the ski jump)

OK, back to the here and now...

Agents decide to leave the shop, and do so.

Here's my problem with this:

I carry (at all times) my keys, my wallet, my smokes and a lighter. If any one of these four items are not in my posession, I might not notice right away. But, give me about an hour, I begin to gather that something is not right. Usually the normal bulge in my front right pocket is not there and I have to check for my wallet. The feel of the keys in my front left pocket is missing, so I check for them.

Well, the point I am trying to make here is that eventually I wil REALIZE that something important is not on my person.

Back to the story at hand...

There had to have come, at some point, the realization to the agent that the "important" document was missing.

As far as the reported story reveals, the agent never retraced his steps to retrieve the "important" document. Maybe it never even dawned on him that the document was missing.

My theory is this:

The agent was not just on a short break, his shift had ended. Agent goes to beer tent with his buddies and downs a few. Remembering his sweetheart back at Quantico, he decides to spend some of his hard earned dough on some Olympic crap. Slightly tipsy, "These Colors Don't Run" American flag shirt in hand, he fumbles for his wallet (front right pocket no doubt). Documet/dossier/stainless steel briefcase inhibiting his purchase completion, a decision has to be made...In his tipsy state, setting the Documet/dossier/stainless steel brief case down whilst searching for payment seems both dangerous AND exhilerating. Agent decides "I'll just set this HERE."... Twenty minutes later said agent is runway modeling-like modeling his Mexican made trinket for his buds when he realizes something is missing. "That important crap, where is it?", he wonders. "Shit I'm done for the day" he thinks "The guy who finds this will MAYBE glance at it and toss it in the trash".

"I mean, really, nothing security-wise has happened and this crap is almost over. No big whoop!"

"Hey Murph, thinks this'll shut up Suzy til' Easter?" Agent laughter, then, fade out...

posted by sharksandwich at 5:41 PM on February 26, 2002

If the guy responsible was found to have been incompetent and it wasn't just an honest mistake, my guess is he's already been raked over the hot coals for it. In secret. He may have even been castrated. Or worse: demoted to babysitting Clinton.

They should come up with something a little more efficient than just printing out the Vice President's daily itinerary on a piece of paper that could so easily fall into the hands of anyone. That's not that agent's fault. It's the fault of his superiors for being so dumb.

Why can't they just put it in their palm pilots, in an encrypted way that only agents can see? No wait... that's hackable. Okay, they could memorize it and then eat the piece of paper... no wait, stomach pump. Okay I got it..! No wait...
posted by ZachsMind at 8:35 PM on February 26, 2002

I'd be willing to bet that the reason Dick Cheney is such an ass is that he never gets laid. We all know that Kissenger's statement about power being an aphrodesiac is utter bullshit. What the hell.

Okay I'm really talking about myself. Fark you.
posted by Settle at 9:03 PM on February 26, 2002

[boyzone] Oh please, Settle. Cheney's had so much sex in his lifetime that now his heart's on crutches. That's what women do to ya. [/boyzone]
posted by ZachsMind at 9:48 PM on February 26, 2002

dhartung: Yeah that photo. I meant that in terms of a propaganda photo they both have great potential (not that they look alike). The scowl alone on Cheney's face could make a propaganda poster a hit. The knife is just icing on the cake.
posted by smcniven at 7:23 AM on February 27, 2002

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