a new way to prepare eggs

July 15, 2015 4:01 AM

Inspect A Gadget reviews the frankly horrific Egg Master
posted by fearfulsymmetry (190 comments total)

Only US$47 plus shipping for all the egg extrusion you can cope with! And more!
posted by ardgedee at 4:08 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

PLEASURE TOAST
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:13 AM on July 15, 2015 [14 favorites]

I think it's great that a lot of the ex-employees of Unit 731 are still able to find rewarding work.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:17 AM on July 15, 2015 [8 favorites]

I saw them test this on Big Box Little Box. It was the most vile looking thing, but very funny when the middle aged couple saw the eggcock emerge.
posted by billiebee at 4:26 AM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

Thank you, I have a new regular newspaper column to read.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:26 AM on July 15, 2015 [15 favorites]

Giving a friend one of these as a present is a great prank. It's not clear from the box alone just how crazy this thing is. You actually have to use it for its ridiculousness to become truly apparent. They'll probably accept it with good grace, and only when the slimy extrusion appears for the first time will they think, "Ugh! What was he thinking?! "

I'm genuinely considered stockpiling a few of these for this purpose.
posted by painquale at 4:32 AM on July 15, 2015 [41 favorites]

I'm super hungry and now all I can think of is gently coddled scrambled eggs on buttered toast.

Or a tube of half fried greasy egg.

What to choose, what to choose, hmmm.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:33 AM on July 15, 2015 [7 favorites]

eggcock

Hard to believe that is not the first use of that word in human history.
posted by fairmettle at 4:37 AM on July 15, 2015 [23 favorites]

Human civilization's finest extruded denatured protein foodstuffs.

How do you make tamago normally? This seems like it would be good for making tamago. Or encasing a Han Solo action figure in egg-carbonite.
posted by XMLicious at 4:41 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

In Scotland, we have a phrase for the slightly nauseated, damp kind of lurching gut horror you get when you see something truly distasteful. We say it gives you the claggy boak.

This gives me the claggy boak.
posted by Happy Dave at 4:43 AM on July 15, 2015 [175 favorites]

Hmm. Would crockety bloat work?
posted by aramaic at 4:45 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

On the other hand, this lends increasing credence to my theory that a malevolent AI is using global supply chains to gently test what humans will accept, with the long term plan of finding the perfect way to eliminate us. The Egg Master is just another probe.
posted by Happy Dave at 4:48 AM on July 15, 2015 [28 favorites]

Bless the Maker and His water.
Bless the coming and going of Him.
May His passage cleanse the world.
May He keep the world for His people.
posted by PenDevil at 4:53 AM on July 15, 2015 [15 favorites]

I think "boak" is a Scots spelling of "bolk", a northern dialect word that means something like belch or vomit. Claggy means sticky and messy; it seems to be related to "clay". So a claggy boak would be a projective belch accompanied by food particles, I suppose. Just like the Eggs-terminator or whatever this is called.
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:54 AM on July 15, 2015 [6 favorites]

Also from the comments, Glove and Boots test out the Rollie.
posted by WCWedin at 4:54 AM on July 15, 2015 [10 favorites]

Not to be contrarian or anything, but the humor (which I love) in this link rests on intentionally misusing the product. It comes with sticks. It's supposed to be the corn dog equivalent of a fried egg.

Even though you'd have to beat the eggs beforehand, I wouldn't be surprised if a bit of seasoning/inventive ingredients could make this into a useful time saver.

Not take away any of its absurdity, but still useful.
posted by GoingToShopping at 4:59 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

Ima let you finish, but his review of the Mr Tea trouser tea brewer had the best Miles Davis album title callback pun in one of the picture captions that I've ever seen.
posted by ambrosen at 5:03 AM on July 15, 2015 [11 favorites]

It comes with sticks. It's supposed to be the corn dog equivalent of a fried egg.

You know that's even more horrifying, right?
"Hi, what's for tea?"
"Egg on a stick."
"Thanks but I'll maybe just eat this leaf stuck to my shoe."
posted by billiebee at 5:06 AM on July 15, 2015 [48 favorites]

Even though you'd have to beat the eggs beforehand

(cough)
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 5:09 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Someone photoshop that egg into the chestburster scene from Alien.
posted by The Devil Tesla at 5:11 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

a useful time saver

Inasmuch as you no longer waste time eating anything, but can throw it away immediately?
posted by Segundus at 5:14 AM on July 15, 2015 [17 favorites]

The Egg Master is just another probe.

In so many ways.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:19 AM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

Also, I am reasonably certain that this is actually a shoggoth incubator. Just wait until you have an amorphous protean congeries of malevolent protoplasm flowing out of your kitchen gadgets!

Let me tell ye suthin’—some day yew folks’ll hear a child o’ The Egg Master a-callin’ its father’s name on the top o’ yer kitchen countah!”
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:34 AM on July 15, 2015 [21 favorites]

GoingToShopping: "Not to be contrarian or anything, but the humor (which I love) in this link rests on intentionally misusing the product. It comes with sticks. It's supposed to be the corn dog equivalent of a fried egg."

The egg is featured on a stick in multiple pictures of the Inspect A Gadget review, and the author mentions it in the review itself. It's still horrifying.

It reminds me of these snake fireworks whose popularity on July 4 I find perplexing.
posted by bluefly at 5:36 AM on July 15, 2015 [6 favorites]

this one is quite clever (the device, not the review).
posted by andrewcooke at 5:36 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

a useful time saver

Man, if I had a pound for every time I've wanted tube of de-natured egg protein a slowly extruded from a lubricated silicon housing, but said "I just don't have the time to deal with that..."
posted by generichuman at 5:38 AM on July 15, 2015 [21 favorites]

Follow the related link to the "Nutribullet". Then to the external link to "inguinal-crease-lacking".

Subterraneous.

I shit you not.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:40 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

As I dry heave into the sink, I try to remember if I read about this machine in the Book of Revelation. Why is it in the world?

Oh, man. I have to go change my pants now.
posted by crazylegs at 5:41 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

this one is quite clever

"Rococo punctuation and grammatical fixation in a pretend egg? Now I’m paying attention!"
posted by mittens at 5:45 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think this machine was one of the sabotages on a (breakfast-themed?) episode of Cutthroat Kitchen. The look on the chef's face as the egg extruded out was pretty great.
posted by quaking fajita at 5:46 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

In Scotland, we have a phrase for the slightly nauseated, damp kind of lurching gut horror you get when you see something truly distasteful. We say it gives you the claggy boak.

What a perfect expression. It has all the right consonants in all the right places and two nice open vowels. Almost exactly like vomiting!
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:10 AM on July 15, 2015

MetaFilter: it's supposed to be the corn dog equivalent of a fried egg.
posted by Foosnark at 6:17 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

You know, if you could get this to extrude a tube of that Soylent stuff on a stick, I bet you'd have a substantial market for the thing, since both products seem to be for people for whom the aesthetic/non-horror aspect of food isn't that important compared to ease of consumption. And probably Soylent-on-a-stick would make a nice change from Soylent-in-a-jar.
posted by Frowner at 6:22 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

> Even though you'd have to beat the eggs beforehand, I wouldn't be surprised if a bit of seasoning/inventive ingredients could make this into a useful time saver.

Honest question; if you have to beat the eggs beforehand, how much time would you actually save preparing your breakfast this way? I suppose if it worked the way it's supposed to you could eat your eggs on the go, but any savings in time would be more than offset by a loss in social standing when your peers saw you eating your sad egg-dog on a stick.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:23 AM on July 15, 2015 [5 favorites]

It comes with a free pipe cleaner??

I must act now.
posted by quixotictic at 6:27 AM on July 15, 2015 [5 favorites]

my eyes

cannot unsee
posted by Kitteh at 6:30 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

On the other hand, this lends increasing credence to my theory that a malevolent AI is using global supply chains to gently test what humans will accept, with the long term plan of finding the perfect way to eliminate us. The Egg Master is just another probe.

Yesterday, the hexagonal airplane seating. Today, this... you're scaring me...
posted by Naberius at 6:41 AM on July 15, 2015 [10 favorites]

Gosh, these eggs have such potential. I guess I could scramble them or poach them or even make a quiche with them. Oh, I know, I'll make a wobbly egg tube from this amazing new product from . At last, I've found an easier way! What do you think, Mr. T? I pity the fool who doesn't understand that making eggs into a tube provides fun for the whole family. Ha.hah. So.much.fun.from.eggs.kill.me.
posted by h00py at 6:53 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

Rhett and Link using the Egg Rollie is hilarious, disturbing, made me wheeze with laughter and horror. Click through to Good Mythical More for...more!
posted by the thought-fox at 6:53 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

This is one of those inventions that makes me ask "what did food ever do to you?" The people who think this is is a good idea must hate eating, food, eggs, or maybe life.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:07 AM on July 15, 2015 [5 favorites]

Dogg you know I ain't got the kind of mind it takes to cook frittata you know I got no sense of eggs YOU KNOW I GOT NO SENSE OF EGGS!
posted by Mayor West at 7:08 AM on July 15, 2015 [14 favorites]

Also from the comments, Glove and Boots test out the Rollie .
posted by WCWedin at 4:54 AM on July 15 [1 favorite +] [!]

"You're going to throw up? Throw up in the Rollie!" ftw
posted by chavenet at 7:09 AM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

It reminds me of these snake fireworks whose popularity on July 4 I find perplexing.

It's perplexing because no one actually finds them enjoyable and, thus, popular. Seriously, those things are only sold at all because fireworks are still illegal in some places and these either serve as sad replacement or training material for little ones who will graduate to things that can blow their fingers off in coming years.

But yea, the resemblance is striking and that's... not a good thing.
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:13 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

Meal Squares are totally a thing if you prefer your meal replacements to be solid, rather than liquid.

But, yes, there's just something unholy about vertical extrusion like that. It's a shame they stopped using Mercury thiocyanate for the pharoe's serpent effect. The sodium bicarbonate version of those fireworks are just lame in comparison.

Now if this egg machine had the same level of unholy as this demonstration I would have to get a few of these machines for the horror factor. As a practical matter, I wonder if prototypes of this device extruded sideways like pasta does. That would knock down the unholy factor by an order or two, at which point if consider getting one because my kitchen really needs more gadgets.
posted by fragmede at 7:35 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

This is a device for feeding meatsacks on dystopian prison planets. This fell through a tesseract from the really bad timeline - the one where Bush got three terms and succeeded in privatizing social security.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 7:36 AM on July 15, 2015 [13 favorites]

I love this gadget because now everyone in the world can share my visceral hatred of eggs.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:39 AM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

why did this happen
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:44 AM on July 15, 2015 [7 favorites]

Oh and

How do you make tamago normally?

In a square pan with much folding.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:45 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

The old Shaolin monk told me I wasn't ready to learn the secrets of egg mastery. For years I wondered what forbidden technique of egg preparation he had withheld from me. Truly, I was not expecting this.
posted by prize bull octorok at 7:49 AM on July 15, 2015 [5 favorites]

100% Cronenberg.
posted by Drab_Parts at 7:50 AM on July 15, 2015 [8 favorites]

“Only poetry or madness could do justice to the noises...”
― H.P. Lovecraft
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 7:54 AM on July 15, 2015

Breakfast at the state fair. Extrude the eggs onto the stick, dip in batter and deep fry.
posted by elizilla at 7:57 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

I know it comes with sticks, but wouldn't the more efficient way to consume these eggs be to simply place your mouth over the hole as it extrudes directly into your alimentary canal?
posted by mittens at 7:58 AM on July 15, 2015 [33 favorites]

C.M.O.T. Dibbler could serve them next to the rat onastick.
posted by elizilla at 7:59 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

Human Eggipede?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:59 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

only when the slimy extrusion appears for the first time

OH YOU MEAN EGGSTRUSION
posted by resurrexit at 7:59 AM on July 15, 2015 [13 favorites]

Would go well with a cup of joe.
posted by Poldo at 8:01 AM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

This is kind of lol-worthy, but I could honestly see little kids eating the heck out of this. You could slice it like a banana and just plop a bunch of it on the tray of a high chair. Boom, dinner. Though it's 30 seconds in the microwave for the same thing (using a big shot glass as a container) and not fifty dollars....
posted by resurrexit at 8:02 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

What mystifies me is that eggs sunny side up are pretty much the easiest thing to cook. Why do people feel the need to do all these complicated, horrifying things just to eat eggs straight up?
posted by Zalzidrax at 8:02 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

Because as grotesque as this is, it promises consistent results. Frying an egg is easy only if you know how, and this at least theoretically gets people eating eggs and not something full of preservatives.

I wonder if you could make a cake like thing in this.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:09 AM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

Many years ago I saw an article about a Japanese commercial product that was basically an eggdog: egg whites around a joke center.

When you read the article, you learned that the yoke was actually scrambled egg. The machine that made it extruded both through a heating tube, and produced a continuous feed of egg-rod that was sliced off at intervals to make the cylindrical boiled eggs.

I really, really wanted to see that, if only because I thought it would be cool.

(I have also often wondered if that's how they got the tiny little egg-slices that come in shrink-wrapped noodle bowls....)
posted by lodurr at 8:16 AM on July 15, 2015

I wonder if you could make a cake like thing in this.

Probably. One of the recipes alluded to is basically a cylindrical pulled-pork-stuffed biscuit. A little experimentation & you could probably figure it out.

The design seems potentially problematic to me. I.e., it might not clean up real well. And would the silicone hold up?
posted by lodurr at 8:18 AM on July 15, 2015

Frying an egg is easy only if you know how

I am pretty certain someone can learn to fry an egg in the time it takes to read the manual and prep this thing destined for the landfill.
posted by Karaage at 8:19 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

I wouldn't be surprised if a bit of seasoning/inventive ingredients could make this into a useful time saver.

I find it implausible that it saves any time over frying eggs in a pan.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:20 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

The tea one is very funny as well, as mentioned upthread:

"The man smiles as flavour seeps through his britches, swirling into the liquid. To be honest, it looks like he’s gently urinating into a hot tub."
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 8:20 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
GRAUNIAD?
posted by eriko at 8:20 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

OH YOU MEAN EGGSTRUSION

God I read that as eggsturation and THAT MADE IT WORSE.
posted by eriko at 8:21 AM on July 15, 2015

I wonder if you could make a cake like thing in this.

I am now imagining an endless extruding cake, passing through the icing roller before being consumed by an equally endless line of shadowy grotesque diners.

My dreams, I tell you, are vivid.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:23 AM on July 15, 2015 [5 favorites]

Looks more like eggscrement.
posted by tempestuoso at 8:24 AM on July 15, 2015 [7 favorites]

Frying an egg is easy only if you know how

(1) Make pan hot
(2) Put eggs on pan
(3) Wait a minute
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:27 AM on July 15, 2015 [6 favorites]

Colbert on the Rollie Eggmaster
posted by Karaage at 8:29 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

I mean your results don't have to be consistent... they just have to be consistently better than moist, wobbly egg-dong. Which is a much lower bar to clear.
posted by Zalzidrax at 8:29 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

I get that, ROU, and for people terrified by/uninterested in cooking, that's about as insurmountable a hurdle as me dunking a basketball without a ladder.

Don't get me wrong, I think this thing is terrible because of the results it produces. And is terrible because for most of us, yeah, cooking eggs is a no brainer that comes with certain axes of privilege (having had the time and energy to learn how to cook being chief among them; learning to cook means screwing up sometimes, which isn't affordable for everyone). If this fills a rational need for people (e.g. Quick no fuss morning fuel), it's still recognizably food without preservatives and corn syrup.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:42 AM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

You could slice it like a banana and just plop a bunch of it on the tray of a high chair.

Egg coins!

(1) Make pan hot
(2) Put eggs on pan
(3) Wait a minute

PROTIP: Cover the pan while the egg is frying and the top will set before the buttom gets overcooked.
posted by prize bull octorok at 8:45 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

"a malevolent AI is using global supply chains to gently test what humans will accept, with the long term plan of finding the perfect way to eliminate us. The Egg Master is just another probe."

"This is a device for feeding meatsacks on dystopian prison planets. This fell through a tesseract from the really bad timeline - the one where Bush got three terms and succeeded in privatizing social security."


One of these theories must be true. There is no other possible sane explanation. For the sake of us all, I hope it is the latter
posted by fimbulvetr at 8:49 AM on July 15, 2015

Without knowing precisely what the danger is, I would say it's time for our viewers to crack each others heads open and feast on the goo inside. And what better way to prepare the goo than with the Egg Master!
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 8:50 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

wobbly egg-dong

User name! User name! Get your freshly-extruded user name!
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:52 AM on July 15, 2015 [12 favorites]

I think this machine was one of the sabotages on a (breakfast-themed?) episode of Cutthroat Kitchen.

It's actually been on a number of episodes, if memory serves. The best part is that each time it's been presented, it's been described completely nonchalantly as a "vertical egg cooker" -- as if the chefs (and the audience) are supposed to already know what this eldritch terror of a device is!
posted by tocts at 9:00 AM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

Ṱ̴̖̘̗h̷͎e̛̦͡r̭͓̮̲̕͝ͅè̵̸̟͈̰'̯͇̯̤̦̮ş͏͚͍̼̼̘ ̢̳͎͇̤̺̥͢g͕̜̬o̸̜͔͟ṱ͜ ̧͖͡ͅt͏̧͉̤̗͙̤̗̝͈̕o͏̘͕̣̻̘̖͖͈̝ ̢͕̰̦̱̥̱̗͜ͅḇ̸̨̝͈̻͉̣̮͖͔e̥͈̪̭͇̞͍ ̷̨̦͉̘a̴̬ ̴̢̡̳̟̙͍b̷̧҉͔̬͈̦̼e̷̖̯͖̤̻̕ţ̟͖̬̠͙͢ţ͔̬͈̗̬̥̕e̗̝̪r̼̱̖̦̲̹ ̡͉͖̬̫͕́̕ẁ̡͖̱̘̮͎͍̼̹͘a͓͔͇̗y͏͖̭͠!̸̶͏͈̦̜͉͍͕̙̲
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:00 AM on July 15, 2015 [6 favorites]

The white-yellow color of the eggstrusion makes it look very like a banana, which just means the whole thing is even weirder.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:09 AM on July 15, 2015

I can see that this looks pretty gross (and the sound is hi-larious!), but I can't see why it would taste bad. I mean, it's just cooked egg. Unless there's some sort of lubricant residue in there or something there's really no reason for this not to just taste like fried egg.
posted by yoink at 9:20 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

I know it comes with sticks, but wouldn't the more efficient way to consume these eggs be to simply place your mouth over the hole as it extrudes directly into your alimentary canal?

For the first time in weeks, I am jealous of the guy whose face has been sewn into my ass.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:20 AM on July 15, 2015 [6 favorites]

This might have sold the product to me, purely as a creator of holiday joy.

There must be some way to make use of this for an exceptional Halloween snack experience.

Likewise, I'm tempted to seek out a way to color eggwhite blue and red and pour them into this in a divided fashion. What could be more American than eating extruded red, white and blue egg whites on a stick for the 4th of July?

All of you who Pinterest can thank me later.
posted by meinvt at 9:28 AM on July 15, 2015 [5 favorites]

eriko: God I read that as eggsturation and THAT MADE IT WORSE.

Well isn't that what they all technically are? That's kinda the point, biologically.
posted by traveler_ at 9:33 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

I can see that this looks pretty gross (and the sound is hi-larious!), but I can't see why it would taste bad. I mean, it's just cooked egg. Unless there's some sort of lubricant residue in there or something there's really no reason for this not to just taste like fried egg.

hey yoink, I made you a delicious cheeseburger

yes it's been through the blender but it's not going to taste any different; enjoy
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:44 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

egg whites around a joke center.

Unnecessary editorializing...or merely the most amusing autocorrect I've seen this week?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:51 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

i think this Inspector Gadget is way cuter than the original.

I think the original had more realistic fingernails. (Seriously. See the tea one.)
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 9:56 AM on July 15, 2015

Unnecessary editorializing...or merely the most amusing autocorrect I've seen this week?

I can't blame android for that and won't pretend I meant to do that. I did spot it, but well after the window closed.
posted by lodurr at 9:59 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

hey yoink, I made you a delicious cheeseburger

yes it's been through the blender but it's not going to taste any different; enjoy

Well, in fact, a blended cheeseburger would actually still taste pretty good, even if you'd lose a lot of the mouth-feel pleasure. But the comparison's not apt, at all. Blending eggs before you fry them isn't some weird "OMG, that's the most bizarre mouth-feel ever" thing--it's a perfectly normal way to cook eggs. Literally the only odd thing about this machine is the shape of the extruded product. In terms of how the eggs are treated I can't see anything about this product that should produce something you'd be unable to distinguish (if cut into bite-size portions) in a blind taste test from normally cooked eggs.
posted by yoink at 10:06 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

prize bull octorok: yes it's been through the blender but it's not going to taste any different; enjoy

Not to step on teh funs of snarkery*, but I would point out that cheeseburgers have multiple ingredients, and texture variations, and that the arrangement of said ingredients is kind of crucial to calling it a cheeseburger.

Eggs, on the other hand, are eggs. Barring an explanation of why it should taste different or how the qualitative difference in texture between scrambled eggs from the Egg Master are so much more horrific than those from a non-stick skillet, I'd say Yoink has a point.

--
*as though that would be allowed...
posted by lodurr at 10:07 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

yoink, i think there would be some differences. Probably whole eggs would come out sort of vaguely like the texture of poached eggs, but with more air bubbles. Part of the issue might be people don't usually get or want air bubbles in their egg whites. Probably for that reason it would also not be as firm as boiled egg, so might not be suitable for, say, egg salad or something.

Scrambled eggs, though, I think would come out right in line with how a lot of people seem to like their scrambled eggs: wet, soft, not in large chunks. (Most Americans don't eat them that way, but I've been told it's common in France, and I have family who will ONLY eat them like that.)

bottom like for me is it's a toy and a waste, but i'm with feckless fecal fear mongering: if someone eats a bit more healthily because of it, great. I find nothing offensive about it, once I get past someone else's dick jokes.
posted by lodurr at 10:12 AM on July 15, 2015

I wonder if prototypes of this device extruded sideways like pasta does. That would knock down the unholy factor by an order or two

No... No matter the orientation, this machine shits out a greasy egg-turd.
posted by cmoj at 10:14 AM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

sorry, forgot the turd jokes.
posted by lodurr at 10:20 AM on July 15, 2015

look yoink, lodurr, if you guys want to eat the motile eggworm extrusion thing, don't let me stand in your way
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:21 AM on July 15, 2015 [8 favorites]

Also there's a fair bit of evidence that texture does affect taste perception.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:24 AM on July 15, 2015

Scrambled eggs come out in curds. Whether you like them wet or dry, making good scrambled eggs is an art. What's coming out of this machine is like the "eggs" portion of a gas station breakfast sandwich.
posted by Fnarf at 10:32 AM on July 15, 2015 [5 favorites]

(1) Make pan hot
(2) Put eggs on pan
(3) Wait a minute


"The eggs are just rolling around! OH GOD THEY EXPLODED!!! MY EYES!!!!"
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:33 AM on July 15, 2015 [34 favorites]

texture? oh my yes. But I haven't seen anything so far here that actually evaluates that in isolation from dick jokes and turd jokes. Even the review is talking about the smell before he gets to the texture, so his experience is already blown to hell.

I'm guessing this guy basically doesn't like eggs very much to start with. Hell, the smell of normal eggs cooking sometimes puts me off, and I like them fine.
posted by lodurr at 10:33 AM on July 15, 2015

And if anyone *else* needs to cleanse their mental palate, here is Jacques Pepin making omelettes two ways.
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:35 AM on July 15, 2015 [5 favorites]

This is something that Google neural net would come up with after viewing 2 Girls 1 cup and an IHOP commercial.
posted by dr_dank at 10:35 AM on July 15, 2015 [11 favorites]

Scrambled eggs come out in curds.

Not necessarily. I saw Jaques Pepin explain at some length once on his show how he likes to make his runny, because that's the way they do it back home.

Anyway, you could take the simple expedient of chopping the product up. You'd do that with other foods, why not this?

Anyway, I'll shut up now, trying to explain to people why their joke isn't as funny as they think it is gets to be a drag...
posted by lodurr at 10:36 AM on July 15, 2015

Yes the classic French way to scramble is closer to a curdled custard than it is to how north Americans do it.

From the images and video the eggs look rubbery.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:53 AM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

What's coming out of this machine is like the "eggs" portion of a gas station breakfast sandwich.

I can't believe I'm considering defending the honor of gas station breakfast sandwiches, but such is the nightmare world created by the Egg Master.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:56 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

oh god all I can think of now is Margaret Cho's joke about her mother shelving a porn called Assmaster
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:00 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

From the images and video the eggs look rubbery

I would have said 'spongy', but I take your point. (They made me think of some experiments I've done mixing eggs with frozen vegetables.)
posted by lodurr at 11:00 AM on July 15, 2015

More than anything else it looks like microwaved scrambled eggs, which are pretty gross. The texture is way off and the times I've done this (hey, I was like 14) they end up smelling notably more sulfur-ey than eggs cooked in a pan.

"The eggs are just rolling around! OH GOD THEY EXPLODED!!! MY EYES!!!!"

I admit defeat.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:05 AM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

The result reminds me of a food product I encountered while working in the college cafeteria kitchen. It was a replacement for hard boiled eggs that was essentially a rope of cooked yolk inside a hollow tube of cooked egg white. It came with its own slicer that ensured that each slice was of uniform thickness (portion control is big in institutional food service) and since each slice was the same you never got one of those end slices that was more white than yolk. The students had no idea.
posted by tommasz at 11:06 AM on July 15, 2015 [5 favorites]

was essentially a rope of cooked yolk inside a hollow tube of cooked egg white

SO IT REALLY EXISTED!!!!!

I have no idea if it was any good, but pair that concept with with vat-grown egg whites and my 12 year old self gets really excited. (He really wanted to try some of that food product he'd read about that was cracked from crude oil.)
posted by lodurr at 11:27 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

So, umm, for reasons that may become apparent to me in time, I recently watched every single episode of Cutthroat Kitchen. They are currently on the eighth 13-episode season, which means they've only done like 100 episodes and that is only like 100 hours I have spent watching this show, which if you've not seen it consists of Alton Brown forcing a bunch of chefs to cook under strange conditions, such as having this gadget as their ONLY SOURCE OF HEAT.

The secret? The EggMaster works out great, even when the chef is cooking more than just eggs. The judges always, always say the consistency and texture of the eggs from the awful egg tube is GOOD. Indeed, the competitor who gets the egg tube sabotage generally comes out on top -- rather like their egg does. Other chefs who have to cook with one hand tied behind their back or who get called away to squeeze orange juice while their eggs are in the skillet get into much bigger trouble during judging. Antonia Lofaso in particular appears to HATE overcooked yolks, and the Egg Master ensures perfect consistency every single time.

What I am saying is, should you ever go on Cutthroat Kitchen, don't fear the Egg Master. Let your opponent buy it and gift it to you. It is way better than the hair straightening iron, which is also often an option.
posted by brina at 11:27 AM on July 15, 2015 [12 favorites]

maybe...maybe we should submit to the Egg Master?
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:45 AM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

The SANOVO "long egg" machine produces tube-shaped hard-boiled eggs.
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 11:45 AM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Surely the taste of food is more complex than just sensory experience - taste buds, smell, texture. There's a huge psychological component based on context. And yeah, this thing is just in remarkably bad taste, generally. It doesn't surprise me people would find the product hard to consume, even though it is largely equivalent to an egg fried by other means.

Eggs, on the other hand, are eggs.

I think you'll find that eggs is eggs.
posted by iotic at 11:47 AM on July 15, 2015 [4 favorites]

Man it would go so nice in a hotdog bun though. Little ketchup, sriracha, slice of cheese. I'd eat that right now.
posted by rifflesby at 11:47 AM on July 15, 2015

Even after listening to it emerge from it's "funnelled hole"? I guess you must be the target market :)
posted by iotic at 12:01 PM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

So, umm, for reasons that may become apparent to me in time, I recently watched every single episode of Cutthroat Kitchen.

Oh, man, I hope you're feeling better now.
posted by lodurr at 12:02 PM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

maybe...maybe we should submit to the Egg Master?

It's a lot like food
And that's what's confusing
If you embrace the egg-log that's oozing
From a Cronenberg gun
Then this is the one

Let's play (egg) master and servant
posted by frimble at 12:09 PM on July 15, 2015 [8 favorites]

My dreams forevermore will be full of creeping eggcock. I hate many of you for bringing me to this point in my life.
posted by delfin at 12:16 PM on July 15, 2015 [11 favorites]

Sometimes I think that, deep down, all of us are the same. We're all human.

But some humans made this thing and some humans bought it and I am certain I have absolutely nothing in common with them.
posted by Monochrome at 12:18 PM on July 15, 2015

hey yoink, I made you a delicious cheeseburger

yes it's been through the blender but it's not going to taste any different; enjoy

As someone who had the pleasure of having their jaw wired shut for a couple months, I can categorically tell you this is bullshit.
posted by lumpenprole at 12:32 PM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

When my jaw was wired shut, I had one guiding principle: don't eat anything that wasn't at least partially liquid to start with. Soups, stews, etc, game on. There's no way, like lumpenprole points out, your favorite solid food will ever be your favorite solid food again after that.
posted by dr_dank at 12:38 PM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

There's no way, like lumpenprole points out, your favorite solid food will ever be your favorite solid food again after that.


Counterpoint: Cake and ice cream?
posted by ian1977 at 12:42 PM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

Ice cream cake? Good after it melts. Cakey-cake? No way.
posted by dr_dank at 12:52 PM on July 15, 2015

It's only fitting that this is posted now. The Pluto fly by represents such a height of scientific achievement that before we think too much of ourselves we need to be shown the other end of the spectrum of scientific achievement.

Which is to say: WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE.
posted by sparkletone at 1:39 PM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

Man it would go so nice in a hotdog bun though. Little ketchup, sriracha, slice of cheese. I'd eat that right now.

You just this moment reminded me that I've had this very thing, but without the devil-gadget.
At my son's scout camp, I learned about "egg dogs" for breakfast. Give each person a ziplock bag, have them crack an egg or two into it and add onions, peppers, cheese to taste. Toss it into a big boiling pot of water, keeping it upright so the stuff stays at the bottom. After few minutes, the perfect egg dog. Toss it in a bun and consume, mess-free! And no plates or flatware to clean!
posted by LEGO Damashii at 1:40 PM on July 15, 2015 [10 favorites]

I am going to try that right this minute.
posted by rifflesby at 1:55 PM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Give each person a ziplock bag ...

I hate to break it to you but you were essentially doing sous vide cooking at scout camp. No fancy equipment necessary!

(those big black paperclip things work very well for holding bags upright against the edge of the vessel btw)
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:06 PM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

Oh internets, you just scratch the surface of things.

This thread made me dig up my Amazon fu because friends, there is an absolute treasure trove of all-in-wonderful devices. I mean, I see your rising egg turd thing and am gonna let you finish but ALL THE BREAKFAST IN THE MACHINE. (Juice not included).

So, anwyay, that was just along the way to Smart Planet who having discovered I oh so wanted to re-engineer my kitchen around. I mean, yo, you've probably seen a donut machine at the thirft store or whatever but imagine the surprise of your to-be-wed-friends when you present them with the ability to make fresh "twinkies" or Pop Tarts on a Stick.

What I'm saying is egg rollie is a pretty low bar and we should jump over more of it. Also yo, Rollie hellsa old like NPR.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 2:11 PM on July 15, 2015 [5 favorites]

My laziness has been revolutionized.
posted by rifflesby at 2:23 PM on July 15, 2015

I'm sorry no, I cannot imagine any human being who finds this easier than turning on a burner, putting a pan on it, cracking eggs into the pan, and waiting. Anyone that confused by simple instructions is probably not up to pouring a bowl of cereal, or putting on their pants.

This is what makes egg-related cooking gadgets so weird. Eggs are the first thing many people learn to cook. In fact, I taught my 8-year-old to make them. There are no measurements, there is no cutting involved (unless you add stuff to them), they just need a cooking surface and heat.
posted by emjaybee at 2:27 PM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Eggs that are cooked in a long tube with a distinct yolk and white have been around for a while, and are used to prepare the long version of a Gala pie. I suspect it may have originated as some sort of amusing food trickery some time around the Glorious Revolution.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:44 PM on July 15, 2015

This device doesn't come with multiple TV channels blaring "YOU CAN MAKE FOOD THAT LOOKS LIKE A RESTAURANT as long as you have lots of time and money to devote to this oh and an army of food stylists" and Pinterest one-upsmanship and so on and so forth. It promises easy, painless, food ready without thinking about it. Your comparison to a bowl of cereal is apt, I think; the whole point is that this is
as easy as cereal, without the (oft-gendered) baggage around cooking and providing.

For me, at least, this is why I think gadgets like this (or its spiritual predecessor, the George Foreman grill thing) appear easier; they're more or less totally divorced from the enormous amount of expectation we place on food production.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:47 PM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

In that video, for a second, the extruding egg sort of looks like it has a face with a really sad, horrified expression. It's like the saddest wavy arm man thing ever.
posted by artychoke at 3:00 PM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

I hate to break it to you but you were essentially doing sous vide cooking at scout camp. No fancy equipment necessary!
I hate to break it to you, but sous vide chefs are essentially doing campfire cookery.
posted by Wolfdog at 3:04 PM on July 15, 2015 [8 favorites]

Or as the Brits like to call it, Nematode-In-A-Hole.
posted by sourwookie at 3:10 PM on July 15, 2015 [3 favorites]

I think my joke may have fallen flat there, Wolfdog.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:11 PM on July 15, 2015

I hate to break it to BOTH of you, but campfires are technically just a primitive form of Ziploc bags
posted by DoctorFedora at 3:12 PM on July 15, 2015 [14 favorites]

Just wanted to point out that it doesn't have to cost $50. $14 on Amazon? I think I have found the perfect Christmas gift-exchange item.
posted by chazlarson at 5:44 PM on July 15, 2015

I didn't notice it at first, but that eBay link of mine is a KNOCKOFF. Not only does this thing exist in the world, it apparently sells well enough that knockoffs are available under a couple-three brands.
posted by chazlarson at 5:51 PM on July 15, 2015

I have a friend who imports hardware. The companies he deals with will happily package the same item, with or without minor cosmetic changes, in any number of different packages in order to sell them through different stores and at different price points. If the number of controls, and approximate layout is the same, if the voltage is the same, if the main moulding is the same: it's probably the same product.
posted by Joe in Australia at 6:27 PM on July 15, 2015

The shell looks slightly different in all of them. The Rollie one he reviews has two distinct lights with plastic lenses, where these other ones seem to have an entirely different light setup with differently-textured rubber sleeves with different printing.

Still could very well be coming out of the same factory; I just kind of expected The One And Only when I noticed that there were at least four different visually distinct versions.
posted by chazlarson at 6:38 PM on July 15, 2015

ROU_Xenophobe: "(1) Make pan hot
(2) Put eggs on pan
(3) Wait a minute"

It's a bit more involved, though, no?
1) Add butter to pan (not too much, though!)
2) Heat pan on low
3) Put eggs on pan
4) Cover pan with lid
5) When egg is cooked on bottom but not yet browned, add tablespoon of water and put lid back on pan (the water boils, turning into steam, which cooks the top of the yolk)
Alternatively
5) Try to flip egg over with spatula, and pray like hell that the yolk doesn't break

(I use the steam method. Much easier)

Not amazingly hard, mind you. I do it every morning, even half-asleep. And it's still probably easier than prepping and cleaning this...thing. But don't oversell the ease of cooking eggs.

(Oh, also, note to all people who write recipes everywhere in the world: Indicate the amount of heat!! There's a world of difference between "Heat pan (low flame) and cook" and "Heat pan (high flame) and cook", and yet it seems half the recipes are just "Heat olive oil in a pan. Add the shrimp and cook until pink" and then you end out with rubbery, tasteless shrimp or the like)
posted by Bugbread at 7:04 PM on July 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

Again, before anyone takes that wrong, it's not an argument in favor of this gadget. I suspect the egg dogs would just have the taste and mouthfeel of an omelet, not some horror from the deep, as folks are implying, but it costs a lot, takes counter space, will certainly break quickly, and any ease in cooking will be countered by difficulty in cleaning. So, I'm not fer it, I'm agin it.
posted by Bugbread at 7:19 PM on July 15, 2015

I kind of like the hot dog bun idea, honestly. I mean, it's still weird and a bit gross, but with the right condiments it would be really tasty and you could sell millions of them to hipsters from your food truck.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:30 PM on July 15, 2015

I wonder what would happen if you poured cake batter in there. I think you might get something like an extruded doughnut. Dust it with powdered sugar, put a streak of jam along the top, serve it with ice cream and you've got a nice little dessert going. Or make a savory corn batter with diced onions and jalapeños, or even just a farmer's omelet with chopped onions, herbs,sausage and stuff. There are actually quite a few things that might work and would be both tasty and, if presented nicely, quite appealing.
posted by Joe in Australia at 8:06 PM on July 15, 2015

I wonder what would happen if you poured cake batter in there.

"Look, I'm making spotted dick!"
posted by mittens at 8:28 PM on July 15, 2015 [11 favorites]

Cannot favorite enough.
posted by Joe in Australia at 8:48 PM on July 15, 2015

It suddenly strikes me that "extruded" feels like an unpleasant word to use in association with food.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:37 PM on July 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

You're gonna hate what I have to tell you about pasta, then...
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:54 PM on July 15, 2015 [7 favorites]

you could sell millions of them to hipsters from your food truck

Roll it in some spice mix and call it a Breakfast Churro. Someone make this happen.
posted by ryanrs at 10:17 PM on July 15, 2015

"I kind of like the hot dog bun idea, honestly. "

See, I keep thinking about tacos or burritos.

(I do find that microwaved eggs taste different from fried. Could be it's just the texture interfering, but I wonder if different cooking methods really do alter *something* that affects flavor.)
posted by galadriel at 1:23 AM on July 16, 2015

Galadriel, that's absolutely the case. When you fry eggs you're flavoring them in two ways: you've probably applied some flavourful shortening (e.g., butter) to the pan; and the egg is cooking via conduction from a hot pan. This high level of heat browns the egg's under-surface and makes it tastier. The egg also cooks somewhat unevenly, so you have a range of temperatures and degrees of cooking, each of which is perceived differently and contributes to the complex flavours.

In contrast, a microwave cooks food directly via rays that penetrate the egg's surface to some degree. They tend to cook the egg more evenly, so you don't get a spectrum of temperatures and degrees of cooking, and they don't have a chance to brown any part unless the whole egg is overcooked. The cook may also omit the shortening, which means that microwaved eggs effectively lose a whole extra level of seasoning.
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:57 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

yoink: "Well, in fact, a blended cheeseburger would actually still taste pretty good, even if you'd lose a lot of the mouth-feel pleasure"

This whole sentence is full of badness.
posted by krinklyfig at 4:06 AM on July 16, 2015 [4 favorites]

yoink: "I can see that this looks pretty gross (and the sound is hi-larious!), but I can't see why it would taste bad. I mean, it's just cooked egg. Unless there's some sort of lubricant residue in there or something there's really no reason for this not to just taste like fried egg."

Of course it has some kind of lubricant or residue that never washes off, which imparts an awful chemical taste and smell to everything you cook in it. That's my experience with every single one of these Ronco-type appliances. These things are not designed by people who want to share their love of food with the world.
posted by krinklyfig at 4:15 AM on July 16, 2015

I mentioned this because of the "eggs is eggs" discussion above--would eggs really be able to taste differently just because they were cooked a different way--so I don't think this is too much of a random digression.

"a microwave cooks food directly via rays that penetrate the egg's surface to some degree. They tend to cook the egg more evenly"

Well, sort of. I mean, there is a difference in thoroughness of cooking when there is a difference in thickness/density/moisture content of a microwaved food--for example, if you just crack an egg into an omelet cooker and nuke it, the outside/thinnest gets cooked to a dry rubbery consistency and the yolk/surrounding egg white doesn't get cooked.

This is because a microwave heats by relatively weak waves that hit the entire outside of the item, and don't always penetrate fully into the whole item if it is unevenly thick or dense. Where they penetrate, they cause the moisture in the item to heat, so the item cooks from the inside out... but only at the depth to which the radiation penetrated or the heated moisture moved, if it was free to move around.

If you keep heating something eventually the heat from the outside of the item will heat the inside--by convection, really--but you end up with really cooked outside with a lot of moisture lost to evaporation, and unpredictably cooked still-moist interior. You certainly can get "a range of temperatures and degrees of cooking" :)

So I'm wondering if heating an egg this way--boiling the internal moisture close to the surface--does something different to the innate flavor of the egg itself. But here we move beyond the physics and I am in uncharted waters, so I don't have terminology to even guess. Does exciting the moisture/evaporating moisture out/making it rubbery also break something[*] down that is flavor in an egg? Does it cause mysterious-to-me molecular bits to combine into other bits that don't taste quite the same?

My point, which I never actually stated above (thank you, clarity of insomnia), was yeah, all eggs is not all eggs; the way they're cooked does make a difference. Perhaps this monster-machine could be affecting the flavor.
...
[*] proteins? amino acids? enzymes? what makes flavor, anyway?
posted by galadriel at 6:23 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

what makes flavor, anyway?

I always chalked it up to elves.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:26 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]

Galadriel, look up tha Maillard Reaction. High heat (i.e. what you get from a pan but not from a microwave) chops up some chemicals into tasty bits. That's why poached eggs aren't like fried ones, for instance.
posted by Joe in Australia at 6:32 AM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

Good morning. I’m writing from Argentina. I would be interested to know if you sell the machines to achieve Long Egg.

Sometimes you should read the comments.
posted by chavenet at 7:50 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]

Well...

1) Flavour is a complex interaction between sensing things on the tongue, the palate, and well up into the sinuses. What we call 'taste'/flavour is actually about 90% aroma. Texture also plays an important part.

2) The Maillard reaction is what happens when browning occurs, and creates a lot of new aromas and other flavour compounds. A lot as in hundreds, depending on what you're cooking.

3) A properly fried egg, according to the French, has no browning on it at all, actually, so that's not really accounting for the difference between a microwaved egg and a fried one. Seasoning is more likely the culprit here, and different temperatures. A microwave is going to get your egg hotter faster, all other things being equal, so yes some of the compounds will combine in different ways.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:51 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

Of course it has some kind of lubricant or residue that never washes off, which imparts an awful chemical taste and smell to everything you cook in it.

I did a little Googling around for user reviews of the thing. Nobody who wasn't being jokey about the phallic shape seems to think the machine imparted any kind of flavor to the eggs. Here's an extended review by someone who tried out a bunch of recipes on her husband and her kids. The response was thumbs-up all around except for the roll-up pizza recipe (and, really, that seems clearly like a bridge too far).

It's pretty clear that the only thing the machine does is produce eggs that look funny--but in terms of the way they're actually cooked, they're just good ol' fried eggs.

yoink: "Well, in fact, a blended cheeseburger would actually still taste pretty good, even if you'd lose a lot of the mouth-feel pleasure"

This whole sentence is full of badness.

Take a bite of a cheeseburger. Chew it for a bit. Now you've got blended cheeseburger in your mouth. When you're eating cheeseburger do you feel it going from "yummy" to "disgusting" as you chew? Do you spit it out after you've chewed for a while? Is swallowing that mouthful a desperate attempt to get the ghastly flavor of blended cheeseburger out of your mouth? No? Then guess what--you agree with me that blended cheeseburger actually tastes o.k. Not "just as good as non-blended" but still actually a pleasant combination.
posted by yoink at 10:15 AM on July 16, 2015

Then guess what--you agree with me that blended cheeseburger actually tastes o.k. Not "just as good as non-blended" but still actually a pleasant combination.

And I'm telling you that real world experience does not bear out your thesis. Tell you what, why don't you blend cheeseburgers down to a fine slurry for lunch for a week. Then we can talk.
posted by lumpenprole at 10:55 AM on July 16, 2015 [7 favorites]

When you're eating cheeseburger do you feel it going from "yummy" to "disgusting" as you chew?

Sooo...if your friend is eating a cheeseburger, and then deposits a chewed mouthful onto your plate, does the cheeseburger remain yummy?
posted by mittens at 11:22 AM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]

When you're eating a cheeseburger (that is, a good burger and not a McDonald's thing) do you enjoy the release of juices and new flavor as you bite through the seared crust? Chewing isn't just digestion, it's also deeply tied to how food tastes.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:35 AM on July 16, 2015 [4 favorites]

Yeah, um, texture and composition of ingredients really does play an enormous role in flavour perception, up to and including triggering gag reflexes. The act of chewing releases flavours. In the real world, simply pureeing a cheeseburger is not only likely to not be as good as the real thing, it's likely to be actively disgusting. As lumpenprole, who's actually had to do this, has said more than once.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:53 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]

I wish to state for the record that I am in favor of our starting a "blended hamburgers for a week" trend across the whole of the internet.

yoink, do your duty and let's get this thing rolling. Youtube montage videos and fame await.
posted by aramaic at 11:53 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]

starting a "blended hamburgers for a week" trend across the whole of the internet.

For some reason I've suddenly decided to go on a strictly-fruit diet for a week.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:24 PM on July 16, 2015 [4 favorites]

Great for kids!
posted by Artw at 1:16 PM on July 16, 2015

Great for kids!

How do you fit them in the machine?
posted by Celsius1414 at 1:22 PM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]

That's what the Vitamix is for.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:27 PM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]

Once the "egg-log" pops out of the machine you can Octodog it.
posted by Artw at 1:34 PM on July 16, 2015

> Then guess what--you agree with me that blended cheeseburger actually tastes o.k.

we have the weirdest arguments on this site
posted by MysticMCJ at 2:00 PM on July 16, 2015 [13 favorites]

Yoink, I think you're technically correct about the flavor, but really technically. Consider trying to lose weight (note: I'm not talking about fighting obesity or an eating disorder, but the more run-of-the-mill "lose a few pounds before summer" type weight loss). After dinner, when no longer hungry, you watch some TV and you serve yourself a handful of M&Ms as a treat (if you dislike M&Ms, mentally replace the word "M&M" with "chip" or "almond" or any other bite-sized yummy thing). What happens? You put one in your mouth and you savor the taste for a few seconds and then you swallow it and pop in another. It's not because you're hungry; you just ate dinner. It's not because the taste changed; it stayed the same. It's because even though the taste is identical, and you are not hungry, a big part of the enjoyment is in areas other than just the taste. I'm assuming some primal evolutionarily-adapted thing where the imbibing is a major factor, but that's just a guess. And it feels so stupid. You want to lose weight, the yummy taste you want is right there in your mouth, and yet you don't get satisfaction from it without swallowing it and putting in another M&M.

The point being, psychology (for want of the right word) is really important. And I'm talking on a primal level, not the regular psychological level. On the regular psychological level you don't want to eat more M&Ms. You're trying to lose weight, and you don't have an eating disorder, so there's no compulsive psychological drive. But on some far deeper level your brain is saying "Flavor and odor and texture aren't enough. I need to enjoy food in a certain way to enjoy it."

I think that's what you'll get with blended hamburger. Sure, the taste may be identical. The smell may be identical. But your body may still reject it for reasons that make no sense to your logical, waking mind or even your "I am stressed from work and I had a traumatic childhood experience involving penguins" psychological level.

I think a big part, too, is knowing that you're eating blended cheeseburger. If you went to a restaurant of some country whose cuisine you were entirely unfamiliar with, and you were served Regrub Eseehc, a cheesy beef soup made with vegetables and bread, you might entirely enjoy it.
posted by Bugbread at 4:06 PM on July 16, 2015 [4 favorites]

I am suddenly imagining an ice cream cone, except the cone is made of blended cheeseburger dried or fried or something into a crispy cone-shaped container, and filled with like mashed potatoes or something.

I'd eat that. Once, anyway.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:59 PM on July 19, 2015

For 1 April one year, I made meatloaf cupcakes frosted with mashed potatoes. Unsurprisingly, late at night on the line we got bored, and as usual started deep frying whatever we could get our hands on.

Battered deep-fried meatloaf topped with mash = YES
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:05 PM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

"opening"? I would have gone with "orifice".
posted by idiopath at 8:45 AM on July 22, 2015

or possibly "cloaca"
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:47 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]

Cloegga
posted by en forme de poire at 8:49 AM on July 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

I think a big part, too, is knowing that you're eating blended cheeseburger

Absolutely. But that's entirely an argument for my position. I was talking about what blended cheeseburger would actually taste like, not whether putting "Blended Cheeseburger" on the menu would be a big seller. (And I didn't say, as some seem to have chosen to assume, that it would be indistinguishable or just as good as non-blended--I said "a blended cheeseburger would actually still taste pretty good, even if you'd lose a lot of the mouth-feel pleasure."

You know what "blended cheeseburger" would be? Sausage. Put it in a sausage skin and fry it up, and people would love it.
posted by yoink at 9:52 AM on July 27, 2015

did

did you literally spend five days thinking of that pun
posted by sciatrix at 9:54 AM on July 27, 2015 [6 favorites]

I love you all but every time I scroll down through and see "blended cheeseburger" in my Recent Activity, I love you a little less.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:15 AM on July 27, 2015 [6 favorites]

Why are we still having this argument? It's perfectly possible to blend a cheeseburger and find out, for real, how tasty it is.

Someone do so, and put it on Youtube. Goddammit, c'mon!
posted by aramaic at 12:15 PM on July 27, 2015

Still on about this when an actual person who has actually had to actually puree their food has stated categorically that you are flat out wrong about your assertion?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:36 PM on July 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

You know what "blended cheeseburger" would be? Sausage.

No, it really wouldn't. Why are you ignoring people who have actually had to do this? Why are you ignoring someone for whom the perception of food is something of an all-encompassing obsession telling you that texture matters in the perception of taste?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:00 PM on July 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

yoink: "Absolutely. But that's entirely an argument for my position. I was talking about what blended cheeseburger would actually taste like"

Well, yes, that's why I said that you were technically correct. Because you also said:

Take a bite of a cheeseburger. Chew it for a bit. Now you've got blended cheeseburger in your mouth. When you're eating cheeseburger do you feel it going from "yummy" to "disgusting" as you chew?

So now we're talking not only about "taste" but whether you perceive that taste as "yummy" or not. And that's why a cheeseburger, as you chew it, could "taste" in a certain way and you would perceive that taste as "good", but if it were a blended burger, it could "taste" the same way and you would perceive that taste as "bad". It goes beyond just losing mouth-feel.

I mean, I like the smell of jasmine tea, which gets its fragrance from skatole. I don't like the smell of shit, which also gets its fragrance from skatole. The fact that they are the "same smell" is true, but that's just a technical point, and doesn't really affect the way my mind perceives the smell.
posted by Bugbread at 8:35 PM on July 27, 2015

If you blended a cheeseburger, and put it in a sausage skin, you could totally make a sausage from it. And, if you put that sausage in a roll you would have a hotdog. And then you could blend that hotdog and make a patty out of it! Do you see where I'm going with this? IT WOULD BE A MÖBIUS BURGER.
posted by Joe in Australia at 8:51 PM on July 27, 2015 [5 favorites]

You go too far! You're playing God!
posted by Artw at 9:09 PM on July 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

IT WOULD BE A MÖBIUS BURGER.

As drawn by HR Giger.
posted by Dip Flash at 2:27 AM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

* flings self on thread in an effort to stop the cheeseburger derail *

Hey! Is anyone else checking out the rest of the "inspect a gadget" links? He just posted one about a peanut butter maker!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:34 AM on July 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

As drawn by HR Giger.

I'm imagining Mayor McCheese opening the mouth of his cheeseburger-head and a Xenomorph-like telescoping series of cheeseburger-heads extends out, dripping with grease...
posted by XMLicious at 4:50 AM on July 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

I'm now going to feed everything into this device and have it extrude Satan and you will rue the day you ever clicked on this link.
posted by h00py at 5:18 AM on July 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm imagining Mayor McCheese opening the mouth of his cheeseburger-head and a Xenomorph-like telescoping series of cheeseburger-heads extends out, dripping with grease...

Billions and billions severed.
posted by mittens at 6:25 PM on July 29, 2015 [6 favorites]