F is for Fabulous. F is for Fabio.
July 16, 2015 9:01 AM   Subscribe

Fabio: Confessions of the Original Male Supermodel. Known to the world as Fabio (no last name needed), he is king of the stereotypical romance covers, spokeshunk for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and is doing just fine, thanks.

(I know the last link is from 2009 but I just couldn't resist because Jay Rayner.)
posted by Kitteh (52 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
 
insight and profundity is not what Fabio does
Imagine my surprise.
posted by yoink at 9:03 AM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Please let his smooth jazz sexy talk album Fabio After Dark not be lost to history. We must remember for the sake of future generations.
posted by griphus at 9:09 AM on July 16, 2015 [13 favorites]


We can hate on him all we want, but it sounds like he's got his life the way he wants it, and even better, he doesn't splash himself all over social media -- and purposefully says that's exactly how he likes it. There's something to be said for that.
posted by blucevalo at 9:11 AM on July 16, 2015 [12 favorites]


For what's it's worth, I read that as 'spokeschunk'. I'll leave it to your imaginations to decide what he's a chunk of.
posted by plinth at 9:12 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Yup, that's what the poor and ugly must be doing wrong: Not praying specifically enough.
posted by timdiggerm at 9:12 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


They wanted me to be Tarzan, but that would have meant living in Mexico for three or four years – and there’s not enough money in the world to make me want to do that. Some places you just want to visit. No way. I don’t think so. I’m out.

Boo. Hiss.
posted by vacapinta at 9:15 AM on July 16, 2015 [6 favorites]


I remember around ~'96 there was a news report on Fabio's new website and the footage of him trying to work a mouse was precious.
posted by griphus at 9:16 AM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


doing just fine, thanks.

How's the goose?
posted by Sys Rq at 9:16 AM on July 16, 2015 [9 favorites]


I legitimately had not thought of Fabio in years until I read the Guardian this morning. I had a moment of "OHHHH RIIIIGHT". I figured why not a Fabio post because I need some more goofy stuff on the Blue.

Fuck, griphus, find that footage. I need to see it badly.
posted by Kitteh at 9:17 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


Any conversation about Fabio needs this.
posted by wyndham at 9:20 AM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Fabio (no last name needed)

But it's Lanzoni in case anybody wants to know and doesn't read the article. The fact that I know this probably says a lot about me that also probably isn't a surprise.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:23 AM on July 16, 2015 [5 favorites]


Fabio is here to stay, that's why we have the Fabio Kit!
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 9:38 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Fabio was hit in the face by a bird while he was on a roller-coaster.

Good lord I loved writing that sentence.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:38 AM on July 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


Italian? why have i always thought he was swiss?
posted by poffin boffin at 9:38 AM on July 16, 2015


Neat articles. Kudos to Fabio.
posted by davidmsc at 9:43 AM on July 16, 2015


I honestly can't tell if anything in that Guardian piece is self-parody or not.

Meanwhile, my fondest memory of Fabio was his turn in the amazingly and hysterically terrible Acapulco H.E.A.T..
posted by TwoStride at 9:44 AM on July 16, 2015


Italian? why have i always thought he was swiss?

Because he's so cheesy?
posted by yoink at 9:50 AM on July 16, 2015 [12 favorites]


One of my favorite things in the history of EVER is the fact that the 'non-average' dude (Gil Hyatt) who was chosen by the woman (Larissa Meek) on the second season of "Average Joe" dumped her ass on a dime after she revealed a shocking secret: that she once dated Fabio. The producers hyped it up like she was going to reveal that she'd just gotten out of the clink for being a convicted serial killer or something, but nope... just Fabio.

To this day, the reveal and aftermath is one of the most delightful things I've ever seen on television. It aired a decade ago and my face still lights up with joy remembering it. The thought of Fabio was just too much!
posted by divined by radio at 9:51 AM on July 16, 2015 [8 favorites]


I was working at a small, heavily male dominated startup, and shared an office with a guy named Dave who was responsible for one of the best jokes anyone has ever played on me. First, he just cut out a couple of pictures of Fabio from magazines and put them on the walls, and when that got my attention, he escalated, decorating our shared office with a Fabio theme. His piece de resistance was the promotional bookshelf featuring a very large cutout of Fabio, which we used for documentation and other reference books. For a while, we had informational "Fabio Facts" handouts in the little outbox outside our door.

I don't know that he ever explicitly told people that was my Fabio stuff, or if he just relied on people blaming the lady for the Fabio theme. And what could I do about that? Defensively tell everyone who came by that the Fabio stuff was all Dave's? That would be weird. So I just went along with it, and even added a few things myself.

It was all very tasteful, though, I assure you.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:58 AM on July 16, 2015 [18 favorites]


As a *pushing mumble mumble* I'll take this profound insight very well, thanks!

"Age is just a mental thing," he says when I point out the impending birthday. "I prefer to be 50 and look 41 rather than the other way round." And if you were hoping for greater insights than this, for eloquence that pierces the very heart of human existence, perhaps you should go looking elsewhere;
posted by infini at 10:03 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: It was all very tasteful, though, I assure you.
posted by infini at 10:05 AM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


The thought of Fabio was just too much!

Oh my god the excerpt of the "Fabio: on Films" track:
I like to take a special lady to the cinema, where we can hold hands in the dark, and whisper very quietly about what we see. I wonder, would she kiss me like that? Will I always be the hero of her life? I wish there were more romantic films, because romantic films can lead to beautiful adventures after we leave the theater.
If you need me I'll be obsessively re-lighting tea lights in the tub.
posted by griphus at 10:08 AM on July 16, 2015 [18 favorites]


This is gold.

you cannot take yourself too seriously. Look at Napoleon.
posted by infini at 10:10 AM on July 16, 2015 [11 favorites]


"People come to Los Angeles and sell their soul every day. It’s sad. Here, the mentality is that everyone has a price. But I say no – no money can buy my soul."

I cannot stress enough how happy it makes me that this quote is directly below a photo of him which is captioned:

"Fabio as the face of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter."
posted by billiebee at 10:26 AM on July 16, 2015 [21 favorites]


When I was in high school, Fabio made an appearance at the big department store downtown to promote his new cologne. My bestie at the time kinda collected autographs/photos of herself/whatever with random celebrities that came through our medium-largeish-but-sleepy-in-the-celeb-action-department town for promotional stuff/shooting movies (other encounters I remember being present for are Barry "Greg Brady" Williams & comedian Sinbad). Naturally, the appearance of Fabio was an excellent excuse to cut class and a prime opportunity for yuks, so we headed downtown and stood in line with dozens of kinda regular middle aged ladies who all had calendars and whatever to sign. And we get to Fabio, and we're giggling like dorks, my friend gets super serious and says, "Can I kiss you?" and Fabio says "No... but I will kiss you?" and goofy-cartoonily-romancily embraced her and gave her a peck on the cheek and we all scrrreaaaaaaamed and it was just the most hysterical thing to our little weirdo dorkball crew and he just laaaaughed and I love Fabio forever for that.
posted by Ennis Tennyone at 10:27 AM on July 16, 2015 [40 favorites]


but what if Fabio's soul is sustained by I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
posted by Kitteh at 10:28 AM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


Well, because the soul is housed in his physical form, and that form needs sustenance to survive, and such foodstuffs can be bought with money, and one can obtain money by promoting products like fake butter, then yes, ICBINB sustains his soul.

I remember around ~'96 there was a news report on Fabio's new website and the footage of him trying to work a mouse was precious.

Searching around, I found this: FABIO the cat ON COMPUTER - I only assume the video is titled that way to con people who wanted to see Fabio the Man us a computer, but the uploader felt they had to at least give some hint that it wasn't the male model Fabio, but instead a fuzzy kitty.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:32 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


I swear to God this thread is making my day. You all are the best.
posted by Kitteh at 10:34 AM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


It's not selling out if he really can't believe it's not butter.
posted by RobotHero at 10:35 AM on July 16, 2015 [29 favorites]


The thing that's always inspired me about Fabio is how he just makes it all seem so effortless.
posted by Flashman at 10:37 AM on July 16, 2015


I ran into Fabio at the LA auto show, he seemed like he would be a good houseguest.
posted by The Power Nap at 10:57 AM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Mullets are NOT outdated.
posted by jfuller at 11:00 AM on July 16, 2015


I was in the PetsRus store talking to the clerk about Bird Brain, my budgie, who had itchy feet, and I was seeking a treatment. Suddenly, Fabio walked in, and asked for dog food for his dogs. Every employee in the store dropped what they were doing, and rushed to him, gushing and offering to carry his dog food to his SUV. There he stood, looking exactly like he does in photographs. Very tall, red shirt, black pants,beautiful long blond hair, which he was tossing around while everyone attended to him. I stood there, frustrated that the clerk no longer cared in the slightest about Bird Brain's itchy feet. I don't follow movie stars much, and often they look surprisingly tired and diminished in real life. But Fabio did not, I have to say. I went home, frustrated and feeling annoyed at the shallowness that is sometimes Los Angeles. Stunned the next week, to learn that Fab had been hit by a goose on a rollercoaster. I spent the next week thinking of Alfred Hitchcock and staring at Bird Brain.
posted by effluvia at 11:07 AM on July 16, 2015 [29 favorites]


I was thinking it must be difficult to go through life so horribly disfigured as this bloke is, but I guess not!

I’d be the biggest hypocrite if I said I really worked very hard for my career, because it was given to me on a silver platter. I can’t take any credit. My major focus was sports and going to the gym.
posted by three blind mice at 11:21 AM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


What on earth is he planning to do with that not-butter?
Never mind, I don't want to know.
posted by Too-Ticky at 11:35 AM on July 16, 2015


Mullets are NOT outdated.

Yeah, they're old-school and classic, harkening back to a different, rougher age. You know, like polio.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:36 AM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Apollo's Chariot is a fantastic roller coaster on its own merits, but it is made all the better when you can say "HERE. RIGHT HERE IS WHERE IT HAPPENED."
posted by Wolfdog at 12:46 PM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Miriam Minger (3rd link.) Now that's an unfortunate name for a romantic novelist.
posted by glasseyes at 2:18 PM on July 16, 2015 [3 favorites]


That there are multiple good real life Fabio encounters in this thread is turning my day around.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:51 PM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


> I remember around ~'96 there was a news report on Fabio's new website and the footage of him trying to work a mouse was precious.

Oh hey! I never saw that but I remember it really well!

We (the web shop I worked for) had built the ICBINB website and the ad agency said that three of us had to fly out to California to help produce the TV spots they were making to tout it. So of course the developer had to go, to ensure the site worked while Fabio clicked on it, and the copywriter had to go, in case Fabio needed something to say, and the guy who ran the company had to go, because it was important that Fabio be met by a fellow VIP rather than an underling. Which meant that I didn't go; I was the designer and Fabio wasn't likely to need any designs on the spot.

When the temp-entourage came back they had autographed Fabio/ICBINB mousepads to hand out (I can't remember whether I got one and lost it, or just didn't get one), and the developer saying that, in fact, Fabio had spec'd out in detail the TOTL Macintosh he wanted to use for the commercial. Which I never got to see because I didn't have a TV at the time.

So I dunno. Say what you want about Fabio, but he's kind of a geek.
posted by ardgedee at 4:55 PM on July 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


I wonder how come he's still single, and still holding out to have kids, at 56

that's two unrelated questions, kind of
posted by infini at 5:00 PM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm the suspicious sort.
posted by infini at 5:01 PM on July 16, 2015


I assume at some point, maybe hundreds of years from now, a slightly wrinkled Fabio will burst into flames and collapse into ashes and from the ashes will rise a child who will grow up to be Fabio. And the cycle continues as it always has.
posted by griphus at 5:08 PM on July 16, 2015 [18 favorites]


I never really thought of Fabio until I saw him on Bo' In the USA. The skits he did for that show were hilarious and showed a very self aware guy who wasn't afraid to make fun of himself. I respect that.
posted by snwod at 5:09 PM on July 16, 2015


People come to Los Angeles and sell their soul every day.

I live in LA and no one has offered to buy my soul yet. It's not as easy to sell as people want you to believe. They won't even let me put it on EBay anymore, some nonsense about having to sell a tangible item.
posted by thefoxgod at 5:38 PM on July 16, 2015


I'd totally sell my soul to the devil, but he just laughs and says it's a slam dunk and he already has it for free.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:02 PM on July 16, 2015


Another thing Fabio became famous for was his stereo system. It was a kind of running joke in Stereophile Magazine: "What are you-- Fabio or something"?
posted by cleroy at 8:25 PM on July 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


(1)
"I never really thought of Fabio until I saw him on Bo' In the USA. The skits he did for that show were hilarious and showed a very self aware guy who wasn't afraid to make fun of himself. I respect that."

As much as I love Fabio snark, I'm convinced there's a significant intelligence behind Fabio's career. Yes, the connective tissue that allowed Fabio his broad pecs, height, square jaw and symmetrical face are random. But his attractiveness and fitness aren really special enough to become synonymous with male modeling. Maybe I'm wrong because I'm not naturally attracted to men, but it seems like even his age range there's a number of stereotypical hunks that have better natural charisma is their expressions and features. Instead of nothing but effortless luck, there must have been some very shrewd choices to lean into a few very specific stereotypes in order to raise his profile but maintain a generic image that allows others to superimpose whatever they want on his personality.

(2)
It's not that Fabio sounds dumb in his quotes. He just seems like someone whose has never really had it that bad. Never had serious financial setbacks or responsibility that contained real threat of failure. Kinda like a teenager who has never left home.

(3) I love this post the same way I love rubbing my feet together when I first get into a soft bed. And one of my favorite things about this post was the Wikipedia article written such that no sentence structurally tied together with the next. It's hard to check on my mobile but I suspect this may have been done on purpose.
posted by midmarch snowman at 9:39 PM on July 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


He's pretty charming and funny in the Birthday Boys sketch where he has a child with his partner, one of the uglier birthday boys.
posted by kittensofthenight at 11:08 PM on July 16, 2015


When shooting those covers, it’s simple: you’re hugging a beautiful girl and you think about making love to her. You look at the camera and you go, “I’m serious – if I get hold of you, I’ll do a number on you. I would make you lose your sanity!”

I... uh... Well I just lost MY sanity.


no wait that was my appetite
posted by louche mustachio at 11:11 PM on July 16, 2015


"Fabio: Confessions of the Original Male Supermodel."

Actor slash Supermodel!
posted by pseudocode at 12:11 AM on July 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


I once saw him sitting in a fancy car in the parking lot of a drugstore on Sunset Boulevard with two very cute, very young ladies, and said to my friend "clearly, those are his nieces" and we managed not to bust up until we got inside.

But seriously, it sounds like he has a terrible madonna/whore complex and is pretty lonesome. There are plenty of decent women in Los Angeles.
posted by Scram at 3:21 PM on July 19, 2015


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