Someone ask Charlotte Riley if this is accurate, plz
July 17, 2015 9:36 AM   Subscribe

 
If you want to instantly improve your Twitter feed, I highly recommend following one of this piece's co-authors, Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff). She is a next-level retweeter who has led me to many, many great Twitter accounts.
posted by joelhunt at 9:54 AM on July 17, 2015 [4 favorites]


WHAT DO YOU MEAN "IF"
posted by poffin boffin at 9:58 AM on July 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, you would eventually stumble upon his old MySpace page and fall into a giggling fit.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 10:00 AM on July 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


THAT IS PURE GOLD
posted by Kitteh at 10:02 AM on July 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


my favourite is the one where he's like HERE LOOK DOWN MY PANTS because my friend mai helpfully photoshopped a piece of red velvet cake onto his crotch for me
posted by poffin boffin at 10:07 AM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


She is a next-level retweeter who has led me to many, many great Twitter accounts.

Yes, and also was Matilda and is The Faceless Old Woman who secretly lives in your home.
posted by maxsparber at 10:36 AM on July 17, 2015


Where are all the photos of him with dogs do I have to do everything myself?
posted by billiebee at 10:40 AM on July 17, 2015 [4 favorites]




Tom Hardy may be the first man ever about whom I find myself surprised to say "he has really great frown lines".
posted by steganographia at 10:46 AM on July 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


What's funny about this, to me, is what when Autostraddle posted a very similar article about Samira Wiley months ago, everyone freaked out in the comments about how gross and invasive it was to publish weird fantasies about a real person where they could read them.
posted by Juliet Banana at 11:06 AM on July 17, 2015


If Tom Swift were your boyfriend he would send you pictures of his inventions every day. And whenever he called you he would say "This will be my greatest invention yet!"
posted by octobersurprise at 11:30 AM on July 17, 2015 [6 favorites]


In this article it's about what Tom Hardy would do, whereas some of the things in the other list where things the author would do to Samira Wiley. Not that I'm making any judgement on that article, it's just how I read the difference.
posted by billiebee at 11:41 AM on July 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


I venture it's legit to say there's a double standard of sorts in that any female-oriented version of this immediately comes off as creepy and objectifying and manic-pixie-dream-girl etc, whereas with men we can make up fake unrealistic sensitive souls that you can day dream about it.

I would also venture to say that the split happens because of the power differential and cultural attitudes towards dating; whereas with boys and men it's usually reducible to the status you achieve by 'possessing' a hot girlfriend, women inhabit a cultural realm where romantic fantasies can be nigh sexless and void of icky connotations.
posted by pmv at 12:15 PM on July 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


I venture it's legit to say there's a double standard of sorts in that any female-oriented version of this immediately comes off as creepy and objectifying and manic-pixie-dream-girl etc, whereas with men we can make up fake unrealistic sensitive souls that you can day dream about it.
Well, The Toast has this "If X were your boyfriend/girlfriend" series that's been going for quite a while, and one of the interesting consistent characteristics of the series is that it focuses on tiny elements of relationship drama rather than weird sexy stuff. "Your mom would giver her the side-eye, but she would eventually win her over by letting her borrow a fabulous faux-fur," for example, puts these kinds of pieces squarely in the realm of charming fan fiction. Except for the "If a velociraptor were your girlfriend," that one just got weird.
posted by verb at 12:47 PM on July 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


If you want to instantly improve your Twitter feed, I highly recommend following one of this piece's co-authors, Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff). She is a next-level retweeter who has led me to many, many great Twitter accounts.

And Lindsay Ellis will be better known to many as "Nostalgia Chick."
posted by Navelgazer at 5:35 PM on July 17, 2015


Fuck yeah Tom Hardy.

This was charming.

and poffin boffin: outside now!
posted by biscotti at 5:12 AM on July 18, 2015


LEGEND
posted by arcticseal at 6:29 AM on July 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


When you ask where the hell that came from, he would respond, “Socrates! It’s from Apologia!”

And he would say it "so-CROTT-eys." You know he would.

The Toast has this "If X were your boyfriend/girlfriend" series that's been going for quite a while, and one of the interesting consistent characteristics of the series is that it focuses on tiny elements of relationship drama rather than weird sexy stuff.

It also helps that mostly they don't pick attractive meat so much as charming, intelligent, intensely charismatic people that exist in a realm beyond sexual orientation. I mean, I don't care where you are on the Kinsey scale or whether you'd want to actually make the sexytimes with them; if you don't want Tom Hardy or Idris Elba to be your boyfriend or Gillian Anderson or Natalie Dormer to be your girlfriend, you are just dead inside.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:45 AM on July 18, 2015 [6 favorites]


Iridic I just got reading that article and I appear to have moved up a step on the old obsession ladder there, thanks. I mean:
May 2012: While discussing male grooming with GQ, Hardy reveals that he has very strong feelings about poodle haircuts.

“I feel sorry for a poodle because he's a dog. You know, a dog is a fucking great creature. They would do anything for you. And the poodle gets a haircut. No one asks if the poodle wants his hair cut like that. Do they? They just fucking cut his hair like that. And he just walks around. And everyone is like, ‘Why is that poodle so snarky?’ Fuck you.”
posted by billiebee at 6:53 AM on July 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


My favorite story from my boyfriend Tom Hardy is when he wrote about finding a kitten.

"I'm like no, you don't understand this is not my kitten, this is god's child I found in the street."
posted by Windigo at 11:24 AM on July 18, 2015 [8 favorites]


If Thomas Hardy were your boyfriend, he would suddenly break off the engagement, move to the countryside, and spend many years writing novels about long-suffering heroines modeled after you, leaving you to ever wonder what happened until the day you receive the yellowed old letter confessing his undying love and unworthiness, which his will specified was only to be delivered a year to the day after his death.
posted by mubba at 5:54 PM on July 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


I just came to say that I don't have a twitter login. I just go to @marawritestusff's feed and flip through occasionally.

Wilson is a National Treasure.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:57 AM on July 19, 2015


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