13. Snakes
July 22, 2015 6:07 AM Subscribe
Is this something i have to New Yorker to understand?
posted by Zerowensboring at 6:15 AM on July 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Zerowensboring at 6:15 AM on July 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's something you have to crippling social anxiety to understand
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:16 AM on July 22, 2015 [87 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:16 AM on July 22, 2015 [87 favorites]
Maybe if you read it in Woody Allen's voice?
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:18 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:18 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
The California version is you're afraid you'll do the "let's hang out sometime", fully expecting the usual "yeah, totally" with no concrete actual plan - which lets you both get on with your lives - but then they go and suggest something that actually sounds fun and then you're going to have to see this person again.
posted by Space Coyote at 6:27 AM on July 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by Space Coyote at 6:27 AM on July 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
6) They’ll say yes, and we’ll have a perfectly nice time and bond over what it’s like being in our twenties and working in creative fields and struggling to find fulfillment on a day-to-day basis. It will slowly grow dark outside as we share and laugh late into the evening, and when we part we’ll agree that it was a truly lovely time and that we’ll definitely do dinner soon, and then we will never speak again.
I've actually been party to this one -- a great time with a wonderful woman, and damn was she ever lovely, and we really enjoyed being in the company of the other, a few Deep Glances were made and received: this was A Good Thing. As we parted, I found that not only was she born on the same day as my ex-wife, but also the same year, and I am not a superstitious man, and I think horoscopes are for horrible mopes, but this was Bermuda Triangle stuff, and I was not going to go near it, and I never did. I suspect she wondered, time to time, just exactly What The Fuck Happened; hopefully, she found a person with whom there were no birthday issues. Myself, I felt lucky to have escaped with my life.
posted by dancestoblue at 6:27 AM on July 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
I've actually been party to this one -- a great time with a wonderful woman, and damn was she ever lovely, and we really enjoyed being in the company of the other, a few Deep Glances were made and received: this was A Good Thing. As we parted, I found that not only was she born on the same day as my ex-wife, but also the same year, and I am not a superstitious man, and I think horoscopes are for horrible mopes, but this was Bermuda Triangle stuff, and I was not going to go near it, and I never did. I suspect she wondered, time to time, just exactly What The Fuck Happened; hopefully, she found a person with whom there were no birthday issues. Myself, I felt lucky to have escaped with my life.
posted by dancestoblue at 6:27 AM on July 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
Is this something i have to New Yorker to understand?
Yes, you can go back to reading The Chive or Adbusters now.
BTW, if you're not ready for a subscription, all you have to do to read the New Yorker is open the link in a private browsing tab on Firefox or Chrome.
posted by Nevin at 6:30 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yes, you can go back to reading The Chive or Adbusters now.
BTW, if you're not ready for a subscription, all you have to do to read the New Yorker is open the link in a private browsing tab on Firefox or Chrome.
posted by Nevin at 6:30 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
They forgot: They'll say yes, and we'll have a perfectly good time talking for quite some time. Then, upon leaving, we'll hug and say our goodbyes, only to suddenly realize as we start walking, that we're headed towards the same subway station in awkward silence devolving into a simmering and nonsensical hostility. We will never speak again.
posted by Debaser626 at 6:31 AM on July 22, 2015 [65 favorites]
posted by Debaser626 at 6:31 AM on July 22, 2015 [65 favorites]
Ugh #12 is has come true for me, right up to "...and years later..."
time to start looking for summer houses by a lake
posted by photovox at 6:32 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
time to start looking for summer houses by a lake
posted by photovox at 6:32 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
17. Coffee.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 6:32 AM on July 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 6:32 AM on July 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
When did lists become an acceptable substitute for articles? I blame McSweeney's. I mean, this is the goddamn New Yorker we're talking about here. Not that the list wasn't humorous, but still.
posted by dortmunder at 6:34 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by dortmunder at 6:34 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
15. They’ll say yes, and I’ll look forward to our coffee date for weeks and then, on the planned day, I will be feeling tired and not be a good conversationalist and I will hurt their feelings by seeming uninterested in them.
Dear everybody I've ever made plans with,
This.
Sincerely,
phunniemee
posted by phunniemee at 6:36 AM on July 22, 2015 [41 favorites]
Dear everybody I've ever made plans with,
This.
Sincerely,
phunniemee
posted by phunniemee at 6:36 AM on July 22, 2015 [41 favorites]
Ugh, this is why I'm more likely to cross the street to avoid a person I like than a person I dislike. If I like them, there's terrifying pressure and I might fuck it up! If I dislike them, whatever, worst that can happen is that I like them more after chatting with them....which I can then fuck up...and spend hours tormenting myself about the stupid shit I said, unable to sleep, twitching anxiously and moaning softly to avoid the terrifying reality of being alone with my thoughts...which is actually pretty bad ...and just occurred to me now...and that would horrify and upset me...so now I can never go out in public again. WTF.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:43 AM on July 22, 2015 [23 favorites]
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 6:43 AM on July 22, 2015 [23 favorites]
Mod note: A few comments deleted. Sorry if folks are running into paywall problems, and if that becomes the norm, we'll probably have to start skipping New Yorker posts, but in the meantime try opening in an incognito/private browsing window, and if we need to discuss the New Yorker as a problem for Mefi posts, it's probably better to do that in Metatalk.
posted by taz (staff) at 6:46 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by taz (staff) at 6:46 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
22. They could be the obnoxious style of pedant who thinks English should behave like some other language entirely and is secretly trying to correct my speech the entire time even when I am being perfectly understandable and using a common word for which no good alternative exists.
posted by sciatrix at 6:48 AM on July 22, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by sciatrix at 6:48 AM on July 22, 2015 [10 favorites]
9. I’ll forget my wallet at home and not realize that I’ve forgotten it until after I’ve already ordered some complicated six-dollar coffee drink and then they’ll have to pay for me and they’ll think I only invited them to con them into buying me a fancy beverage.
Ahhhh, this is my life. Also the corollary: I continuously worry I left my wallet at home even though I confirmed I had it before I left because, I don't know, black holes. So I periodically pat my pocket in public to make sure it's still there and then worry that random people standing next to me at the intersection will think that I think they're going to mug me and be insulted.
How have I survived this far in life, I do not know.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 6:57 AM on July 22, 2015 [20 favorites]
Ahhhh, this is my life. Also the corollary: I continuously worry I left my wallet at home even though I confirmed I had it before I left because, I don't know, black holes. So I periodically pat my pocket in public to make sure it's still there and then worry that random people standing next to me at the intersection will think that I think they're going to mug me and be insulted.
How have I survived this far in life, I do not know.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 6:57 AM on July 22, 2015 [20 favorites]
Ahhhh, this is my life. Also the corollary: I continuously worry I left my wallet at home even though I confirmed I had it before I left because, I don't know, black holes. So I periodically pat my pocket in public to make sure it's still there and then worry that random people standing next to me at the intersection will think that I think they're going to mug me and be insulted.
Pickpockets Love Him!
It's even better when you're wearing a suit jacket, because then it's PAT left suit pocket PAT right suit pocket PAT back pocket left PAT back pocket right and you've just signaled the runner to steal third.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:02 AM on July 22, 2015 [31 favorites]
Pickpockets Love Him!
It's even better when you're wearing a suit jacket, because then it's PAT left suit pocket PAT right suit pocket PAT back pocket left PAT back pocket right and you've just signaled the runner to steal third.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:02 AM on July 22, 2015 [31 favorites]
So I periodically pat my pocket in public to make sure it's still there and then worry that random people standing next to me at the intersection will think that I think they're going to mug me and be insulted.
23. Late in the afternoon the conversation will wane and I'll feel helpless about what to say next to rekindle it and reflexively I'll swing up my arm to check my watch, non-chalantly, to give us both an out, except I don't actually wear a watch, and haven't for years, and they'll notice there's no watch on my arm and I'll see that they noticed, and they'll see I noticed them noticing, and I'll pretend to scratch my wrist instead and take a sip from my empty cup.
posted by notyou at 7:05 AM on July 22, 2015 [24 favorites]
23. Late in the afternoon the conversation will wane and I'll feel helpless about what to say next to rekindle it and reflexively I'll swing up my arm to check my watch, non-chalantly, to give us both an out, except I don't actually wear a watch, and haven't for years, and they'll notice there's no watch on my arm and I'll see that they noticed, and they'll see I noticed them noticing, and I'll pretend to scratch my wrist instead and take a sip from my empty cup.
posted by notyou at 7:05 AM on July 22, 2015 [24 favorites]
Gahh, I don't have time to get coffee with my existing friends, the last thing I need is to more friends to not have time for.
posted by octothorpe at 7:06 AM on July 22, 2015
posted by octothorpe at 7:06 AM on July 22, 2015
Okay though but what if you actually do want to get coffee and not nightmares-of-what-could-have-been-that-will-plague-you-for-years? Is there some sort of secret code for that?
posted by jetlagaddict at 7:09 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jetlagaddict at 7:09 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's this one:
Things will go well in the coffee shop for a while, then they'll suddenly stand up and rush out of the shop, sobbing. A couple of days later, they'll apologise and say can we have another coffee to make up for their bad behaviour, so you say yes because while it was a bit weird, weird can be good.
The second meeting goes uneventfully enough, and they're nice and smart and well, perhaps it's wroth carrying on and seeing where it goes.
Then they start phoning you. Incessantly. With emails. Showing up unexpectedly. Insistently. You ask them to stop. They don't. After a while you learn to avoid them, but the phone calls carry on, which you don't answer. Although they diminish in frequency, they continue on and off.
For years.
Years.
You learn about the bad kind of weird.
posted by Devonian at 7:13 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Things will go well in the coffee shop for a while, then they'll suddenly stand up and rush out of the shop, sobbing. A couple of days later, they'll apologise and say can we have another coffee to make up for their bad behaviour, so you say yes because while it was a bit weird, weird can be good.
The second meeting goes uneventfully enough, and they're nice and smart and well, perhaps it's wroth carrying on and seeing where it goes.
Then they start phoning you. Incessantly. With emails. Showing up unexpectedly. Insistently. You ask them to stop. They don't. After a while you learn to avoid them, but the phone calls carry on, which you don't answer. Although they diminish in frequency, they continue on and off.
For years.
Years.
You learn about the bad kind of weird.
posted by Devonian at 7:13 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
wow, I can testify that every one of these outcomes has happened for me, except for any of the outcomes involving mutual attraction.
Even the abduction one has happened to me, minus the abduction part.
posted by tel3path at 7:15 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Even the abduction one has happened to me, minus the abduction part.
posted by tel3path at 7:15 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's also tricky because, you know, I like going out! I like people!* I LOVE Metafilter meetups! They are a ton of fun! Being social is something that can be enjoyable for me! It's just hard because it can also be cripplingly, upsettingly terrifying and I just don't know which it's going to be until I'm there. This also means I talk too much because I get anxious and then I worry that people think I'm the worst.*
One of the reasons I like Metafilter meetups so much, actually, is that it is, for me, the social outlet with the highest concentration of people who will understand if I get up in the middle of a conversation and am like "I have to go now. Now. 'Bye." or, if I have people over for board games or something, will totally get it and not think I'm unbelievably rude if I'm like "Thank you all, I've had a nice time, now everyone who doesn't live here has to get out of my house. Now. Right now. Thank you. Goodbye. Leave. Now."
*False. I hate people.
*This is why I spent like forty minutes at the last DC meetup trying to explain Pretty Little Liars to people who don't watch it. YOU'RE WELCOME GUYS!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:28 AM on July 22, 2015 [23 favorites]
One of the reasons I like Metafilter meetups so much, actually, is that it is, for me, the social outlet with the highest concentration of people who will understand if I get up in the middle of a conversation and am like "I have to go now. Now. 'Bye." or, if I have people over for board games or something, will totally get it and not think I'm unbelievably rude if I'm like "Thank you all, I've had a nice time, now everyone who doesn't live here has to get out of my house. Now. Right now. Thank you. Goodbye. Leave. Now."
*False. I hate people.
*This is why I spent like forty minutes at the last DC meetup trying to explain Pretty Little Liars to people who don't watch it. YOU'RE WELCOME GUYS!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:28 AM on July 22, 2015 [23 favorites]
4. They’ll say yes, but with a lack of enthusiasm just distinct enough that I’ll know they don’t really want to and are just too polite to decline, and then I’ll feel vaguely guilty the whole time we’re having coffee because it’ll be clear that they’d rather not be there.
This is my greatest fear. I'd rather deal with the snakes, heck, I'd even rather talk about CrossFit. But they also left off:
24. I'll invite them out for coffee and then not actually order any coffee myself and then I'll be too inarticulate to explain that even though I don't drink coffee or tea, there's no acceptable substitute for "get coffee" that has all the same implicit, widely understood social conventions as far as intent, level of casualness, length of time, and so on. And since I don't explain it well they'll just wonder what sort of weirdo invites someone for coffee when they don't drink coffee, which will make me even more self-conscious about sitting in a coffee shop sipping orange juice than I already was.
posted by mstokes650 at 7:34 AM on July 22, 2015 [14 favorites]
This is my greatest fear. I'd rather deal with the snakes, heck, I'd even rather talk about CrossFit. But they also left off:
24. I'll invite them out for coffee and then not actually order any coffee myself and then I'll be too inarticulate to explain that even though I don't drink coffee or tea, there's no acceptable substitute for "get coffee" that has all the same implicit, widely understood social conventions as far as intent, level of casualness, length of time, and so on. And since I don't explain it well they'll just wonder what sort of weirdo invites someone for coffee when they don't drink coffee, which will make me even more self-conscious about sitting in a coffee shop sipping orange juice than I already was.
posted by mstokes650 at 7:34 AM on July 22, 2015 [14 favorites]
You're not a weirdo for drinking orange juice in the coffee shop. You're a style maverick!
posted by Don Pepino at 7:39 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 7:39 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
25. When I go to put bourbon in the coffee, they'll ask me for some.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:45 AM on July 22, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:45 AM on July 22, 2015 [9 favorites]
26. He will insist you come over for coffee as he is too fussy to drink any of that swill they serve at the place where all the baked goods are vegan and half the kids who work there have unusual hair. He's not at all offended when you show up at dawn a few days later, rattled by a recent sleep-walking incident, and are taking him up on his invitation. "Office hours are for patients," he insists, "My kitchen is always open to friends."
It's puzzling that the sleep-walking doesn't seem to worry him at all. His coffee maker looks like this though (and that probably should worry you).
posted by sparkletone at 7:53 AM on July 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
It's puzzling that the sleep-walking doesn't seem to worry him at all. His coffee maker looks like this though (and that probably should worry you).
posted by sparkletone at 7:53 AM on July 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
8. They'll wear something cooler than me to the coffee place.
YES. Then I'll realize how much cooler than me they are, and that I'm way out of their league and they're probably resenting their decision right now and oh man why did I try to make a friend.
Alternatively, I'll wear my coolest outfit, then they will want to hang out again and I'll have nothing to wear, so I will want to go out and buy a new shirt. But what if it looks too new? And what will I wear on the third friend date?
posted by Fig at 7:58 AM on July 22, 2015 [13 favorites]
YES. Then I'll realize how much cooler than me they are, and that I'm way out of their league and they're probably resenting their decision right now and oh man why did I try to make a friend.
Alternatively, I'll wear my coolest outfit, then they will want to hang out again and I'll have nothing to wear, so I will want to go out and buy a new shirt. But what if it looks too new? And what will I wear on the third friend date?
posted by Fig at 7:58 AM on July 22, 2015 [13 favorites]
> So I periodically pat my pocket in public to make sure it's still there and then worry that random people standing next to me at the intersection will think that I think they're going to mug me and be insulted.
The first time I visited Europe it was a trip organized by my high school, and the teacher in charge of the trip made it sound like the entire continent was filled with pickpockets, pickpockets who would swoop in and STEAL EVERYTHING YOU HAD ON YOU if you so much as LET YOUR GUARD DOWN FOR EVEN A SECOND. Now I'm 41 and I still obsessively pat down my pockets whenever I'm in public, anywhere. Thanks, Ms. McGill.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:04 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
The first time I visited Europe it was a trip organized by my high school, and the teacher in charge of the trip made it sound like the entire continent was filled with pickpockets, pickpockets who would swoop in and STEAL EVERYTHING YOU HAD ON YOU if you so much as LET YOUR GUARD DOWN FOR EVEN A SECOND. Now I'm 41 and I still obsessively pat down my pockets whenever I'm in public, anywhere. Thanks, Ms. McGill.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:04 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
When did lists become an acceptable substitute for articles?
The 1800s. It might be time to get used to them.
posted by maxsparber at 8:09 AM on July 22, 2015 [15 favorites]
The 1800s. It might be time to get used to them.
posted by maxsparber at 8:09 AM on July 22, 2015 [15 favorites]
13. Snakes
Snakes is a BONUS.
I would like some coffee immediately.
With or without snakes.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:10 AM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Snakes is a BONUS.
I would like some coffee immediately.
With or without snakes.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:10 AM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
There are NEVER snakes.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:12 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by louche mustachio at 8:12 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
The first time I visited Europe it was a trip organized by my high school, and the teacher in charge of the trip made it sound like the entire continent was filled with pickpockets, pickpockets who would swoop in and STEAL EVERYTHING YOU HAD ON YOU if you so much as LET YOUR GUARD DOWN FOR EVEN A SECOND.
I had the same experience. I remember my teacher warning us that people would throw babies at us so that they could get to our pockets while our arms were full. But this was also the teacher who 'accidentally' led us through the red light district, so obviously a paragon of virtue.
But I think my constant patting my pockets is more a result of college where I had a pair of pants with a giant hole in the pocket I always forgot about. Which led to one day where I had to backtrack my entire way across campus to find my house key that had vanished.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 8:13 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
I had the same experience. I remember my teacher warning us that people would throw babies at us so that they could get to our pockets while our arms were full. But this was also the teacher who 'accidentally' led us through the red light district, so obviously a paragon of virtue.
But I think my constant patting my pockets is more a result of college where I had a pair of pants with a giant hole in the pocket I always forgot about. Which led to one day where I had to backtrack my entire way across campus to find my house key that had vanished.
posted by C'est la D.C. at 8:13 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
mstokes650, I too refer to getting or needing "coffee" when what I really mean is tea. It's just easier and conveys the social idea of the drink you need. It's like getting a beer when what you will actually order is a cider or a Bud Lite.
posted by maryr at 8:14 AM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by maryr at 8:14 AM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
A glitch caused this to load as one massive stream of consciousness wall of text without numbers, making it unclear to me when each scenario would begin and end. For instance, I thought snakes was the conclusion to drowning in the lake. It also freaked me out that so many of you went to the trouble of numbering this 'list' yourselves until I reloaded the page and realized it was indeed a list.
posted by Corduroy at 8:21 AM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Corduroy at 8:21 AM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
wow, I can testify that every one of these outcomes has happened for me
Tell us about the time with the snakes.
posted by instead of three wishes at 8:21 AM on July 22, 2015 [16 favorites]
Tell us about the time with the snakes.
posted by instead of three wishes at 8:21 AM on July 22, 2015 [16 favorites]
Okay though but what if you actually do want to get coffee and not nightmares-of-what-could-have-been-that-will-plague-you-for-years? Is there some sort of secret code for that?
And thus begins mainstream uptake of the hanky code.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 8:22 AM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
And thus begins mainstream uptake of the hanky code.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 8:22 AM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Mod note: Comment and some replies removed, not so much with the sorta tonedeaf pronominal beefing.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:24 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:24 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
And thus begins mainstream uptake of the hanky code.
That's covered by "PAT left suit pocket PAT right suit pocket PAT back pocket left PAT back pocket right and you've just signaled the runner to steal third" these days....
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:31 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
That's covered by "PAT left suit pocket PAT right suit pocket PAT back pocket left PAT back pocket right and you've just signaled the runner to steal third" these days....
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:31 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
23. You look forward to it for a full week. And when it happens, it's a blast. In fact, you end up talking longer than you expected, you smile and laugh the whole time, you agree that the conversation was especially enjoyable, and when you leave you feel slightly buzzed. But shortly you find yourself replaying certain parts of the conversation, you start to second-guess everything you said and did, and by the time you arrive home you're thoroughly convinced that you were a complete buffoon. You spend the rest of the day feeling inadequate or even repulsive and you resolve to never make the mistake of taking this sort of social and emotional risk ever again.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 8:31 AM on July 22, 2015 [67 favorites]
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 8:31 AM on July 22, 2015 [67 favorites]
They will pretend to become my friend in order to get close enough to me to discover my weaknesses and then sneakily use Sun Tzu-style manipulation to destroy me.
This can be kind of fun in your 20s, when you are trying to do that exact thing to them, but eventually you start to wonder why you have no non-destroyed friends, and then you realize that you are a sociopath and that you have been kidding yourself that you are not watching Hannibal for the lifestyle tips, and, really, there is no going back then.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:34 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
This can be kind of fun in your 20s, when you are trying to do that exact thing to them, but eventually you start to wonder why you have no non-destroyed friends, and then you realize that you are a sociopath and that you have been kidding yourself that you are not watching Hannibal for the lifestyle tips, and, really, there is no going back then.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:34 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
The first rule of cross fit is that you must tell everyone about cross fit.
The second rule of cross fit is that you must tell everyone about cross fit.
The third rule of cross fit is...
posted by 13twelve at 8:37 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
The second rule of cross fit is that you must tell everyone about cross fit.
The third rule of cross fit is...
posted by 13twelve at 8:37 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
I mean, this is the goddamn New Yorker we're talking about here.
13. Snäkes
posted by horsewithnoname at 8:41 AM on July 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
13. Snäkes
posted by horsewithnoname at 8:41 AM on July 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
The third rule of cross fit is...
You must never actually do a full pull-up.
posted by zombieflanders at 8:42 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
You must never actually do a full pull-up.
posted by zombieflanders at 8:42 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
They will pretend to become my friend in order to get close enough to me to discover my weaknesses and then sneakily use Sun Tzu-style manipulation to destroy me.
I became convinced that my fiance (now husband) was doing this as soon as I got into the church on our wedding day*. I was pretty sure that the entire relationship to that point had been a long con just so he could say "no" when asked if he would take me as his wife. I was so unbelievably thrilled when he said yes that as soon as we got out of the church and into the limo I jumped right into his lap and, since my dress was satin, I slid off and all I could do was sit on the floor of the limo laughing like a maniac because I was so happy.
*I was very anxious; I also became convinced I had gout. No, I don't know why. My maid-of-honor reassured me by telling me that symptoms of gout wouldn't manifest for twenty-four hours so I'd be fine and I felt better. When we got back from the honeymoon, I asked how she knew that and she was like "oh, I made it up, but I knew it didn't matter because obviously you didn't have gout."
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:47 AM on July 22, 2015 [53 favorites]
I became convinced that my fiance (now husband) was doing this as soon as I got into the church on our wedding day*. I was pretty sure that the entire relationship to that point had been a long con just so he could say "no" when asked if he would take me as his wife. I was so unbelievably thrilled when he said yes that as soon as we got out of the church and into the limo I jumped right into his lap and, since my dress was satin, I slid off and all I could do was sit on the floor of the limo laughing like a maniac because I was so happy.
*I was very anxious; I also became convinced I had gout. No, I don't know why. My maid-of-honor reassured me by telling me that symptoms of gout wouldn't manifest for twenty-four hours so I'd be fine and I felt better. When we got back from the honeymoon, I asked how she knew that and she was like "oh, I made it up, but I knew it didn't matter because obviously you didn't have gout."
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:47 AM on July 22, 2015 [53 favorites]
Maybe if you read it in Woody Allen's voice?
You both complain about how the coffee tastes terrible and the portion is too small.
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 8:47 AM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
You both complain about how the coffee tastes terrible and the portion is too small.
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 8:47 AM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
I... um. I know it's supposed to be funny, but I moved a couple years ago to a place where I really have trouble fitting in, and I've basically given up on making friends at all after one too many friend-dates gone super horribly wrong. Alcohol was usually involved, which is probably far more dangerous than coffee, but I basically just reached my limit with feeling like I was getting to know someone and everything was going swimmingly and then they have a couple drinks and start telling a "hilarious" story about last weekend's drunk driving escapade, or ranting about "the coming race war." It's so freaking awkward to encounter this kind of thing because I simultaneously feel compelled to call the person out on their wretched attitudes and/or behavior and yet it feels rude to lecture a stranger in their own living room. So it's easier to just try to avoid getting to know people altogether lest their masks slip off and reveal a completely dysfunctional human beneath.
(The drunk driving one was something special. She transitioned from complaining about her mandated community service for her last DUI to relating a tale of getting sloshed on margaritas at a place outside of town, taking another drink for the road, and covering the open top with her one hand to keep her shotgun-riding dog from drinking out of it while she drove with the other. This was our first and only dinner together.)
posted by the turtle's teeth at 8:48 AM on July 22, 2015 [8 favorites]
(The drunk driving one was something special. She transitioned from complaining about her mandated community service for her last DUI to relating a tale of getting sloshed on margaritas at a place outside of town, taking another drink for the road, and covering the open top with her one hand to keep her shotgun-riding dog from drinking out of it while she drove with the other. This was our first and only dinner together.)
posted by the turtle's teeth at 8:48 AM on July 22, 2015 [8 favorites]
28. You will have a good time despite ending up in a bar instead of a coffee house or maybe because of this.
29. You will do it again a few months later, at a coffee house this time as originally planned, and have a good time again.
posted by egypturnash at 8:50 AM on July 22, 2015
29. You will do it again a few months later, at a coffee house this time as originally planned, and have a good time again.
posted by egypturnash at 8:50 AM on July 22, 2015
My maid-of-honor reassured me by telling me that symptoms of gout wouldn't manifest for twenty-four hours so I'd be fine and I felt better. When we got back from the honeymoon, I asked how she knew that and she was like "oh, I made it up, but I knew it didn't matter because obviously you didn't have gout."
A good friend is one who lies to you when, and only when, it is necessary.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:52 AM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
A good friend is one who lies to you when, and only when, it is necessary.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:52 AM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
When did lists become an acceptable substitute for articles?
A "listicle" is objectionable if it's just lazily listing off items that are readily to hand ("top ten" albums/guitarists/vacation destinations/films-featuring-chainsaws/whatever) with a few snide comments about each item. An article where you had to make up the content of each item from scratch in order to present it in list format is hardly the same kind of beast.
posted by yoink at 8:55 AM on July 22, 2015
A "listicle" is objectionable if it's just lazily listing off items that are readily to hand ("top ten" albums/guitarists/vacation destinations/films-featuring-chainsaws/whatever) with a few snide comments about each item. An article where you had to make up the content of each item from scratch in order to present it in list format is hardly the same kind of beast.
posted by yoink at 8:55 AM on July 22, 2015
30. They say yes and are super. serious. about. coffee.
31. They say yes and show up at the right time, only have brought their cousin who is in town visiting. They turn out to be an obnoxious dud, but you hit it off with their cousin. After you depart, you realize you don't have the cousin's contact info.
32. Halfway through coffee, you realize things are not going as well as you thought when you notice the person next to you is furiously tweeting your conversation.
33. You do not get any financial compensation for the 'hit' CBS show based on the tweeted awkwardness, but they do use your real name.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:56 AM on July 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
31. They say yes and show up at the right time, only have brought their cousin who is in town visiting. They turn out to be an obnoxious dud, but you hit it off with their cousin. After you depart, you realize you don't have the cousin's contact info.
32. Halfway through coffee, you realize things are not going as well as you thought when you notice the person next to you is furiously tweeting your conversation.
33. You do not get any financial compensation for the 'hit' CBS show based on the tweeted awkwardness, but they do use your real name.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:56 AM on July 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
34. You wear a white shirt and spill coffee all over it and it stains and your new friend thinks you're a slob and so you never wear white outside of the house again.
posted by schnee at 9:08 AM on July 22, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by schnee at 9:08 AM on July 22, 2015 [10 favorites]
1-4, the ones dealing with either being rejected, ignored, or having the invitation accepted solely out of politeness all hit very close to home.
Just last week, partially inspired by the emotional labor thread, I told my wife I'd take care of the arrangements in inviting another couple to a concert with us. Now, the guy from this couple is pretty much my best friend. He was my fraternity brother in college. Was my roommate for several years of my 20s where we had all sorts of raucous adventures together that we both look back on fondly. He was the best man at my wedding and I was the best man at his. He's (rightly) mentioned more than once that I don't take the initiative to invite him out as frequently as he does the same with me. The concert is one we have free tickets for, so it won't cost them a dime.
Despite all that, I was pretty much white knuckling it the whole time I was writing up the text ("This is stupid, of course he's just going to say 'no'"), felt nauseated immediately after hitting "send" ("This is going to be so humiliating when he says 'no'"), and freaked out when it took him more than 60 seconds to respond back ("I can't believe I'm going to have to go through the shame of telling my wife that he's just ignoring my text altogether!").
posted by The Gooch at 9:10 AM on July 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
Just last week, partially inspired by the emotional labor thread, I told my wife I'd take care of the arrangements in inviting another couple to a concert with us. Now, the guy from this couple is pretty much my best friend. He was my fraternity brother in college. Was my roommate for several years of my 20s where we had all sorts of raucous adventures together that we both look back on fondly. He was the best man at my wedding and I was the best man at his. He's (rightly) mentioned more than once that I don't take the initiative to invite him out as frequently as he does the same with me. The concert is one we have free tickets for, so it won't cost them a dime.
Despite all that, I was pretty much white knuckling it the whole time I was writing up the text ("This is stupid, of course he's just going to say 'no'"), felt nauseated immediately after hitting "send" ("This is going to be so humiliating when he says 'no'"), and freaked out when it took him more than 60 seconds to respond back ("I can't believe I'm going to have to go through the shame of telling my wife that he's just ignoring my text altogether!").
posted by The Gooch at 9:10 AM on July 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
A good friend is one who lies to you when, and only when, it is necessary.
Is a new acquaintance someone who gets invited for drinks but to whom I'm not comfortable explaining that the actual drinks are the least important part of the invitation?
..Asking for a friend.
posted by memento maury at 9:22 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Is a new acquaintance someone who gets invited for drinks but to whom I'm not comfortable explaining that the actual drinks are the least important part of the invitation?
..Asking for a friend.
posted by memento maury at 9:22 AM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
A glitch caused this to load as one massive stream of consciousness wall of text without numbers,
Back in the good years before the Dark Times, this was known as an Essay or Article.
posted by Celsius1414 at 9:39 AM on July 22, 2015 [13 favorites]
Back in the good years before the Dark Times, this was known as an Essay or Article.
posted by Celsius1414 at 9:39 AM on July 22, 2015 [13 favorites]
17: You're English and you fancy a nice cup of tea. The Coffee House only serves Earl Grey Tea and you spend the rest of the coffee date talking about how sinisterly floral and GREY Earl Grey Tea is, that it's not proper tea and your friend leaves thinking all English people are weirdos.
posted by JenThePro at 9:41 AM on July 22, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by JenThePro at 9:41 AM on July 22, 2015 [9 favorites]
leotrotsky: "you've just signaled the runner to steal third."
Or do weird macarena
posted by TheLittlePrince at 9:48 AM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Or do weird macarena
posted by TheLittlePrince at 9:48 AM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was recently asked by a non-native English speaker to go out for tea at 6pm or so, and I had to ask "tea like the drink? or tea like the meal?" because here in Northern England the phrase is completely ambiguous.
If we want to go out for a cup of tea we generally just say "want to go for a coffee?" and then order tea.
posted by emilyw at 9:52 AM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
If we want to go out for a cup of tea we generally just say "want to go for a coffee?" and then order tea.
posted by emilyw at 9:52 AM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
I remember my teacher warning us that people would throw babies at us so that they could get to our pockets while our arms were full.
My brother went to Italy with his class when he was in high school and this happened to one of his friends on their first day there. Exactly the same as all the panic stories you hear about. My brother said everyone just stared and watched it happen because nobody thought it actually could happen for real.
This is why my policy is to avoid touching babies at all costs. Friends, let it be known that if you throw your baby at me I will not catch it, and not just because I have terrible hand-eye coordination.
posted by phunniemee at 10:08 AM on July 22, 2015 [10 favorites]
My brother went to Italy with his class when he was in high school and this happened to one of his friends on their first day there. Exactly the same as all the panic stories you hear about. My brother said everyone just stared and watched it happen because nobody thought it actually could happen for real.
This is why my policy is to avoid touching babies at all costs. Friends, let it be known that if you throw your baby at me I will not catch it, and not just because I have terrible hand-eye coordination.
posted by phunniemee at 10:08 AM on July 22, 2015 [10 favorites]
35. They'll say yes and we'll go and the conversation will sort of stumble along even though we really do like each other and then i will start wondering why i did this and what 'friends' are and really what does it mean to be 'friends' with someone, there's no one who i match perfectly with, are we all just sort of faking it by ignoring the things we hate about each other and also does anyone else have these thoughts or is it just me and OH GOD I HAVE BEEN SITTING HERE WIDE-EYED FOR TEN MINUTES AND THEY ARE STARING MAYBE I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR HAVING FRIENDS OKAY
Ironically, this submission is a team effort between me and a friend batting back and forth "oh and also this bit!" after reading the original list
posted by Hold your seahorses at 10:14 AM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
Ironically, this submission is a team effort between me and a friend batting back and forth "oh and also this bit!" after reading the original list
posted by Hold your seahorses at 10:14 AM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
I was recently asked by a non-native English speaker to go out for tea at 6pm or so, and I had to ask "tea like the drink? or tea like the meal?" because here in Northern England the phrase is completely ambiguous.
I was confronted with the phrase "meat tea" meaning an evening meal and I assumed they meant we would have a mug of bovril and it was very upsetting.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:33 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
I was confronted with the phrase "meat tea" meaning an evening meal and I assumed they meant we would have a mug of bovril and it was very upsetting.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:33 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
36. You have a great time and are both convinced you'll become great friends. You go out again. You discover you have already told all of your good stories and that you have nothing to say to each other anymore. You go home realizing you're the boring person you always suspected and only have approximately two hours worth of interesting things to say and that is all your entire life adds up to, some really funny packaged stories that may not have even happened to you specifically.
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 10:37 AM on July 22, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by Yoko Ono's Advice Column at 10:37 AM on July 22, 2015 [10 favorites]
Gahh, I don't have time to get coffee with my existing friends, the last thing I need is to more friends to not have time for.
Nice humblebrag. But your crowds of friends won't protect you from (13) or (16).
posted by betweenthebars at 10:38 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Nice humblebrag. But your crowds of friends won't protect you from (13) or (16).
posted by betweenthebars at 10:38 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
37. After asking your new acquaintance out for coffee, you realize that you let the mask slip, you revealed yourself as a person with basic social needs, your human vulnerability exposed like a raw gaping wound. You have no choice but to relocate to a new city.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:41 AM on July 22, 2015 [36 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:41 AM on July 22, 2015 [36 favorites]
It's puzzling that the sleep-walking doesn't seem to worry him at all.
Sleep is when we are at our most defenseless. Coffee is a tool to stave off helplessness. Tell me, sparkletone...what keeps you awake at night?
posted by MrBadExample at 10:46 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sleep is when we are at our most defenseless. Coffee is a tool to stave off helplessness. Tell me, sparkletone...what keeps you awake at night?
posted by MrBadExample at 10:46 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
17. He will ask me to come over to Netflix and chill.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 10:46 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 10:46 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
You discover you have already told all of your good stories and that you have nothing to say to each other anymore.
I thought that was marriage?
posted by The Gooch at 10:55 AM on July 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
I thought that was marriage?
posted by The Gooch at 10:55 AM on July 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
38. You already believe this person is 2cool4u and still can't believe they agreed to meet you for coffee, and this disbelief only grows as the day draws near, and on the coffee date in question, everytime you start talking there comes a point where your mouth is still moving, their eyes are glazing over, and a voice in the back of your head is saying, "Oh my god shut up what are you doing why are you still talking stop talking now holy shit stop"
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 11:11 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 11:11 AM on July 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
42. You are mostly a listener, not a talker, and this serves you well at coffee meetups because a lot of people like to talk and you really do like to listen to other people talk. But the person you are sitting across from is also a listener, not a talker and you both sort of stare at each other asking questions that are replied to with questions.
posted by Cassford at 11:20 AM on July 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by Cassford at 11:20 AM on July 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
These are like reading the last page of a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book and suddenly realizing you made a wrong decision somewhere along the way.
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 12:02 PM on July 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 12:02 PM on July 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
38. After asking your new acquaintance out for coffee, you realize that you let the mask slip, you revealed yourself as an ancient, inhuman monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:18 PM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:18 PM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
38. After asking your new acquaintance out for coffee, you realize that you let the mask slip, you revealed yourself as an ancient, inhuman monster...
[something something] TREE FIDDY.
posted by fifthrider at 12:24 PM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
[something something] TREE FIDDY.
posted by fifthrider at 12:24 PM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
> These are like reading the last page of a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book and suddenly realizing you made a wrong decision somewhere along the way.
Yeah, but those wrong decisions usually led you to a place where you got buried alive or shot in the head or eaten alive by carnivorous ants.
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:32 PM on July 22, 2015
Yeah, but those wrong decisions usually led you to a place where you got buried alive or shot in the head or eaten alive by carnivorous ants.
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:32 PM on July 22, 2015
I am really starting to get upset about this whole snakes thing. Maybe I need to live in NYC.
I love snakes and nobody even bothers to ask if I want to go to snakes coffee.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:43 PM on July 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
I love snakes and nobody even bothers to ask if I want to go to snakes coffee.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:43 PM on July 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
43. As the portal closes on you, sending two halves of your body hurtling through endless whirlpools of time, you come to regret having your coffee meetup at the Starbucks on UFO 54-40.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:45 PM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:45 PM on July 22, 2015 [7 favorites]
54. You have a lovely evening, and you are witty and charming as hell, even if they don't say much and seldom make eye contact, but at the end of the night you realize that you are a ghost and were dead the WHOLE TIME
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 1:16 PM on July 22, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 1:16 PM on July 22, 2015 [8 favorites]
Your new coffee friend turns out to bore easily, and is in fact, a married velociraptor in disguise, you notice his ring dent first. He outs himself tapping his claws under the table. Making a suave exit, you excuse yourself for a moment, and go hide in the bathroom heat duct.
posted by Oyéah at 1:16 PM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Oyéah at 1:16 PM on July 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
I chuckle but all of the things in that list have actually happened to me, except snakes.
posted by mcrandello at 10:36 PM on July 22, 2015
posted by mcrandello at 10:36 PM on July 22, 2015
I love snakes and nobody even bothers to ask if I want to go to snakes coffee.
For what it's worth I know a place with coffee and snakes sometimes! It can happen!
posted by jetlagaddict at 10:55 PM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
For what it's worth I know a place with coffee and snakes sometimes! It can happen!
posted by jetlagaddict at 10:55 PM on July 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Been at least five years since I've had coffee with another person, and it's not uncommon for snakes (garter, racer and bull) to be hanging out around the rocks near the bird bath where I sit and drink my morning coffee.
posted by Tenuki at 11:04 PM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Tenuki at 11:04 PM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
44. They ask why you got a particular condiment in your coffee and it turns out that you've been drinking your coffee wrong for years and no one ever told you and my god this is just further proof that you were raised by wolves and you have no concept how to live in human society.
posted by galadriel at 4:54 AM on July 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by galadriel at 4:54 AM on July 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
You mean most people don't put wasabi mustard in their coffee?
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:12 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:12 AM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I chuckle but all of the things in that list have actually happened to me, except snakes.
So is it comforting to know the universe 100% for sure has snakes in store for you next time, or is it more of an existential dread thing?
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 12:39 PM on July 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
So is it comforting to know the universe 100% for sure has snakes in store for you next time, or is it more of an existential dread thing?
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 12:39 PM on July 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
53. The place you decided to meet up at is mysteriously closed that day/at that time, so you stand on the street and try to figure out the next best option and agree on a place that you think is around the corner (but you don't want to be rude and whip out your phone to confirm location/hours) and it turns out to be six blocks away and you discover that "walking down the street together" is a surprisingly intimate act and even though it's a time of year that the weather's usually awful you don't want to be that yutz who only has the weather to talk about so you start telling a story and gesticulating and your new acquaintance is watching you and walks right into a light pole so you end up accompanying someone you barely know to an urgent care center to get stitches.
posted by psoas at 2:03 PM on July 23, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by psoas at 2:03 PM on July 23, 2015 [8 favorites]
47? You meet for coffee and you're having a nice conversation and everything seems to be going well but then your head starts aching in that one spot in the back and your eyes start having flashes of fire going through them and you become aphasic and can't find even the most basic of words like your name and you have chest pain and left leg and left arm weakness and oh my fucking god conversion disorder hell.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 2:57 PM on July 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 2:57 PM on July 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by pulposus at 6:12 AM on July 22, 2015 [10 favorites]