You can't fuck osmosis jones
August 2, 2015 9:44 AM   Subscribe

you can't fuck osmosis jones. other things you can't fuck: ratigan, rats from secret of nimh, the alan rickman fish from help im a fish, the iron giant, the weed ghost from cartoon all stars to the rescue, mufasa's ghost, the horrible cgi dinosaurs from dinosaur, or many other cartoon things. The deets: on tumblr. on youtube (2m) (via @Monodi)
posted by JHarris (25 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite


 
....I'm not sure what this is but

you cant fuck the titty chicken from rock a doodle. likewise, the titty penguin from that other don bluth movie: strictly off limits. this goes out to the good people of the web and also to you, mr donathan bluth. stop putting titties on birds you animal, you damned hooligan.

seems to check out
posted by Existential Dread at 9:57 AM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]


Did somebody... start an entire Tumblr based on this famous @dril tweet?
posted by valrus at 10:01 AM on August 2, 2015 [6 favorites]


you can't fuck metafilter. it's too blue and besides you're going to get things stuck in your computer's ports and then where will you be.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:01 AM on August 2, 2015 [7 favorites]


This is like a key and peele sketch in tumblr form and I like it.
posted by bleep at 10:07 AM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]


Don Bluth is likely responsible for a lot of weird fetishes and he's probably okay with that fact.
posted by Ferreous at 10:26 AM on August 2, 2015 [3 favorites]


I just need a few pointers to help polish my style.
posted by stebulus at 10:31 AM on August 2, 2015


can i at least fuck the big-lipped alligator

no? ok

*does it anyway*
posted by ostranenie at 11:02 AM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]


there's also the whole single-celled organism thing, if he reproduces at all it's going to be by mitosis or something, there's going to be no role whatsoever for a second party to get involved here. the dude's going to have no concept of sexual pleasure whatsoever except in the context of bill murray

you could fuck bill murray I guess, osmosis might get some pleasure out of that, though it might be a bit weird having bill involved if you're going for a special intimate thing with osmosis, depending on what you're into
posted by eykal at 11:02 AM on August 2, 2015


From the conclusion of one of the comments: What I’m saying is that you absolutely can fuck Osmosis Jones if you just try hard enough.

Nature finds a way, I guess is what I'm saying
posted by ostranenie at 11:07 AM on August 2, 2015


it’d be like fucking a giant awful marshmallow with john goodmans voice coming out of it

challengeaccepted.jpg
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:24 AM on August 2, 2015 [2 favorites]


Rule 34 will be invoked. Bet on it.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 11:49 AM on August 2, 2015


I clicked the link to the tumblr site, and I noticed the photo they used for the "Listen, Buddy" intro was of Mother Angelica of the Annunciation.

S'MATTER WITH FOLKS? SHE'S NINETY-TWO YEARS OLD, YA MONSTERS! AND ON TOP OF THAT, SHE'S RETIRED BY NOW - BUT AS AN ACTUAL NICE PERSON™ (AND ONE OF THE POOR CLAIRES OF ADORATION, NO LESS) SHE SPENT HER WHOLE LIFE GIVING MORE THAN A THOUSAND SHITS, MORE THAN A THOUSAND DAMNS AND-

YOU GET THE IDEA. THE POINT IS, SURE, YOU CAN PRETEND TO FUCK WITH THE POOR CLAIRES OF ADORATION, SURE, BUT WITH ALL THE LOVE GOING TO CAT PHOTOS AND OTHER MEMES, IT SEEMS LIKE SOME PARTS OF TEH WEB ARE FEELING A BIT...SLIGHTED.

LONELY.

IT NOW SEEMS THAT IN SPITE OF RULE 34*, NOBODY FUCKS THE INTERNET. AND BOO FUCKIN' HOO IS ALL I CAN SAY.

*CHALLENGE ACCEPTED AND MET, CP.
posted by Smart Dalek at 11:51 AM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]


Did You Know? There's an entire movie about how you shouldn't fuck cartoons. Cool World, Ralph Bakshi, 1992. Streaming on Netflix right now. I dare you to watch more than 20 minutes.
posted by theodolite at 11:58 AM on August 2, 2015 [7 favorites]


But Brad Pitt!
posted by maryr at 12:03 PM on August 2, 2015


I am not proud of this, but I just realized that Brad Pitt is not, in fact, in Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
posted by brennen at 12:13 PM on August 2, 2015


Don't be silly. All the biggest cartoon characters are in that movie.
posted by JHarris at 12:30 PM on August 2, 2015 [3 favorites]


'The poor claires of adoration.'

Best Balzac-like title ever.
posted by clavdivs at 12:43 PM on August 2, 2015


Okay so the big problem is that the blog is only focusing on penetration which duh, that’s off the table, but there’s lots of other ways to have sex.

I was laughing until I hit this comment and realized this is some awfully heteronormative thinking about having sex with cartoons. Then I realized that I was being one of those people that people are thinking of when they complain about political correctness gone mad. (But the commenter does make a fair point! You could have sex with almost all of these cartoon characters, as long as you aren't you looking for a place to stick a dick in.)

I made it all the way through Cool World but it was rough going. It's like Monkeybone's lost sibling; an incoherent, busy, unpleasant mess with some interesting ideas and cool animation. They both don't work in the same kind of a frantic, creepy way.

Back in high school I knew a girl who had a fetish for Roger Rabbit. This was when the web was barely a thing, and cartoon fetishes were unheard of. Once or twice we had fascinating conversations about it; I wasn't trying to make fun of her and I wasn't getting off on it, so she was free to be as frank as she liked. I remember her saying that she liked his stretchiness. She figured she was the only person anywhere who was into that sort of thing, and I remember telling her that it was a big world and there were probably other people somewhere who were into cartoon rabbits and stuff. She was a furry before there was an organized furry community, poor thing. (Imagine not just thinking you're a sex weirdo, but thinking you're the only person in the world who gets horny for something!) I hope she's going to cons and stuff now and she's settled down with some nice guy in a fuzzy rabbit suit.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:34 PM on August 2, 2015 [8 favorites]


you cant fuck the ghost walrus. look, i shouldnt have to spell this out for you. its a walrus. and a ghost.

I cannot argue with this logic. It is iron clad.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:38 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]


Okay, so all these things you can't Fuck... that narrows it down to Marry or Kill...
and the best variation on "Fuck/Marry/Kill" I've seen is the poetically synonymous "Bed/Wed/Behead"
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:16 PM on August 2, 2015 [1 favorite]


Where do you think Wilford Brimley came from?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:18 PM on August 2, 2015 [2 favorites]


However, you can fuck the minions. Be careful.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:36 PM on August 2, 2015


Wilfred Brimley came from a shape shifting bunny suit.
Then he shot up the communications room, nearly killing Windows.

Those crazy Swedes.
posted by clavdivs at 6:18 PM on August 2, 2015


you cant fuck the ancestor tree from pocahontas. sure, you can try i suppose, buy all you’ll get is dissatisfaction, shame and wood mites on your genitals.

I'm pretty sure you can fuck that magical, insane tree-woman in The Last Unicorn. Can't speak to the wood mite issue, though.
posted by mr_deerheart at 11:24 PM on August 2, 2015


I was laughing until I hit this comment and realized this is some awfully heteronormative thinking about having sex with cartoons. Then I realized that I was being one of those people that people are thinking of when they complain about political correctness gone mad.

This blog is definitely not coming from the POV that would consider the term "political correctness gone mad" a valid complaint and would welcome the above criticism. In its defense it's called "you can't fuck osmosis jones", and it drops this line: "its confirmed in the 'patty cake' scene that toons have different concepts of intimacy".

She figured she was the only person anywhere who was into that sort of thing, and I remember telling her that it was a big world and there were probably other people somewhere who were into cartoon rabbits and stuff.

I know hindsight is helping but this seems bizarre to have ever been the case. Don Bluth put titties on chickens and penguins, and gave the rooster a 60-20-20 figure. They were intended to be sexy.
posted by deathmaven at 3:32 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


« Older Delta Flight 191   |   The Tongueless Fish Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments