Waiting for Delta
August 7, 2015 11:30 AM   Subscribe

Are Rogue Militants Preparing for War on American Soil? (Spoiler: Betteridge's Law of Headlines applies here.) How that whole Jade Helm 15 conspiracy thing worked out, just in case you were wondering. Not yet established: correlation with frequency of chemtrails, if it was all a big headfake by the lizard people, whether it will affect Texas adopting the gold standard (previously on the blue).
posted by Halloween Jack (58 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
 
You laugh, but the crazies are out there getting violent.

Charlie Pierce: Breaking Down the Jade Helm Clusterf*ck
Naturally, this whole delusion was fanned on the scurvier precincts of the airwaves and the skeevier frontiers of the Intertoobz by the usual suspects. And it was all pretty funny, until the last couple of days. First, a couple of local gomers decided to take potshots at an army base in Mississippi. And then, down in the newly insane state of North Carolina, shit really got real in a hurry.
Walter Eugene Litteral, 50, Christopher James Barker, 41, and Christopher Todd Campbell, 30, are accused of stockpiling guns and ammunition, as well as attempting to manufacture pipe bombs and live grenades from military surplus "dummy" grenades, according unsealed criminal complaints released Monday. The close to 60 pages of information compiled by federal authorities since July include allegations Litteral planned to makes explosives out of tennis balls covered in nails and coffee cans filled with ball bearings. According to the documents, both Litteral and Campbell spoke openly about their opposition to Jade Helm 15, a series of ongoing special forces training missions in several Southwestern states that has drawn suspicion from residents who fear it is part of a planned military takeover.
There is a real wildness at the edge of our politics, and the far frontier of political respectability is not as distant as it once was. It would have been politically perilous for Abbott, Cruz, and Paul simply to have dismissed the Jade Helm truther theories as the unfortunate product of sad and angry minds. For all the talk about how Donald Trump has tapped into some general dissatisfaction with government and some ill-defined populist moment, the energy behind his campaign comes mainly from these sad and angry places, deep in the tangled underbrush of fear, hate, and profitable ignorance, where it's all funny until somebody builds a bomb.
posted by zombieflanders at 11:36 AM on August 7, 2015 [26 favorites]


Jingoistic yahoos were absolutely certain that refrigerated Blue Bell ice cream trucks would be repurposed as rolling morgues.
That explains the aftertaste.

It's a fascinating read. It's like McCarthyism taken to it's illogical conclusion.
posted by arcticseal at 11:38 AM on August 7, 2015


That is a great link ZF, thanks.
posted by Drinky Die at 11:47 AM on August 7, 2015


The idea that SF soldiers practicing infil/exfil in what was marked as "hostile" territory would be riding around in deuce-and-a-halfs and walking into restaurants in fatigues with visible weapons is so amazingly stupid that I'm surprised anyone gave it credence.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:51 AM on August 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


The fantastic American History podcast The Dollop did an episode about this and it was fascinating listening. (Language warning in audio but the site is SFW)
posted by purosaurus at 11:53 AM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


But but but I thought we were supposed to support our troops with zero reservations, and anyone who questions that is a commie traitor.
posted by thecjm at 11:54 AM on August 7, 2015 [5 favorites]




Support the Troops (when they invade other countries, keep them the f**k outta Texas)
posted by filthy light thief at 11:58 AM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Laugh it up but this Secret Service agent is clearly a Lizard-American. The truth is out there.
posted by Eyebeams at 11:58 AM on August 7, 2015 [6 favorites]


But but but I thought we were supposed to support our troops with zero reservations, and anyone who questions that is a commie traitor.
That was before Kenyan socialism destroyed life as we knew it. Try to keep up.
posted by Nerd of the North at 12:00 PM on August 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


Greg Abbott ordered his State Guard to monitor the drill, setting up an alarming situation in which federal soldiers, Texas troops and CJH irregulars might just possibly converge in a Waco-style shootout.

If that happened, it wouldn't be the state guard or the military that started it, it would be these fucking apocalypse-LARPing gun-humpers.
posted by emjaybee at 12:00 PM on August 7, 2015 [10 favorites]




"I'm sure they're out there somewhere," he said, "doing something."

I'll sleep better tonight knowing there are people keeping a close eye on whatever it is(n't).
posted by tallthinone at 12:01 PM on August 7, 2015


Conspiratorial thinking knows no party affiliation. Alex Jones was selling this same flavor of Kool Aid to anti-Bush lefties back in the early 2000s, and far too many were drinking it up just the same as the Tea Party kooks of today.
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:02 PM on August 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


The idea that SF soldiers practicing infil/exfil in what was marked as "hostile" territory would be riding around in deuce-and-a-halfs and walking into restaurants in fatigues with visible weapons is so amazingly stupid that I'm surprised anyone gave it credence.

When in Rome?
posted by Talez at 12:02 PM on August 7, 2015


Eyebeams: Laugh it up but this Secret Service agent is clearly a Lizard-American. The truth is out there.

And when Glenn Beck mocks you, you know the cover-up is going deep.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:05 PM on August 7, 2015


The place had gotten into the spirit of things, putting out a chalkboard on the sidewalk that advertised a Jade Helm 15 Special, which, when it turned out not to exist, seemed like a nasty joke.

Bravo, chalkboard troll.
*golf clap*
posted by arcticseal at 12:05 PM on August 7, 2015 [14 favorites]


I also want to point out that the guy who is the focus of the piece is from Long Island, but moved to Texas. I can't tell you how many guys like him I've met; grew up on the east coast, came down here, bought a "ranch" and a full-camo wardrobe from Cabell's, got a giant truck, and spend lots of their time talking about Mexican invaders and "those people" in "urban areas" and how much better it is out in BFE.

Texas has plenty of our own homegrown racists, apparently now that's attracting those from other states. Fucking awesome.
posted by emjaybee at 12:07 PM on August 7, 2015 [16 favorites]


Moreover, he actually appeared to believe that a handful of amateur observers supported only by some social-media tipsters were going to record the movements of the most professional warriors on the planet on a terrain that stretched over — God, who knew? — 5,000, 10,000 square miles.

Well, if the whole point of the exercise is to infiltrate civilian areas behind enemy lines, wouldn't a necessary part of the exercise be people trying to detect, identify, and track them?

Thanks Patriots for making our exercise more realistic and thus increasing its training value! (Not that they seem to have done a very good job of detecting, identifying, or tracking them...)
posted by Naberius at 12:08 PM on August 7, 2015


In that Lizard Person Secret Service, I love the fact it says "ignore the artifacts from zooming really far into this video, but pay attention to the way his (blurry) features appear to shift," as if that's not an issue of digital artifacts.

Technology is a blessing and a curse when it comes to revealing the truth.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:10 PM on August 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


filthy light thief – I literally LOL'd at that. I must say, I had never seen or even heard of that video and it kind of made my afternoon. Happy Friday everyone!
posted by Eyebeams at 12:14 PM on August 7, 2015


Gawker's Phase Zero: You Should Be Angry About Jade Helm Even If You're Not Crazy
The bullet holes punched into the center mass of this pistol-packing suburban soccer mom weren’t fired by ISIS terrorists preparing for a shopping-mall assault, or by local cops training against an active shooter at the local school. They were fired by a Marine during special operations “realistic military training,” or RMT, in Gulfport, Mississippi.

The training was called Raven 15-03, and took place at locations across the Gulf Coast of United States in February in order to give the 3rd Marine Special Operations Battalion a chance to practice “helicopter-borne and vessel-borne insertion, breaching techniques, fast-roping, and close-quarters battle techniques” in “populated environments,” according to a Marine Corps press release. The release didn’t address the details of the “realistic” scenario dreamed up by the Marine Special Operations Command that involved gunning down a married civilian woman with a recent manicure.

Realistic military training in which military forces leave their bases and practice how to kill people out in the real world are a relatively recent phenomenon. One such exercise of this group, Jade Helm, has been seized on recently by right-wing paranoids who suspect that Barack Obama is using it to rehearse an invasion of Texas. But here’s the thing: They’re not altogether wrong.

What knucklehead decided that for Raven 15-03, an appropriate shooting target should be a soccer mom! And who decided that, despite owning 31 million acres—48,000 square miles—the military now needs to skulk around off-base because it would be more realistic to operate amongst the “civilian population,” also known as America?

No one decided. It just happened. And then the shit hit the fan. And that is good.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:20 PM on August 7, 2015 [6 favorites]


Also, if I were commanding a team of special ops types tasked with getting themselves and their equipment through Texas unnoticed, I would have dressed them in pseudo-military, mall ninja tactical crap from armysurplusworld.com and have them claim to be another patriot group looking for Jade Helm. "You guys seen them anywhere?"

It would be sort of the post 9/11, Fox News World version of that Gomer Pyle episode where the mobile command post got inadvertently disguised as a Hippie Bus.

Maybe the guys in the restaurant really were Jade Helm...
posted by Naberius at 12:20 PM on August 7, 2015 [6 favorites]


> Conspiratorial thinking knows no party affiliation. Alex Jones was selling this same flavor of Kool Aid to anti-Bush lefties back in the early 2000s, and far too many were drinking it up just the same as the Tea Party kooks of today.

The difference is that the Dem's weren't electing the anti-Bush lefties to Congress or governorships. It's a very big and very important difference.
posted by benito.strauss at 12:34 PM on August 7, 2015 [11 favorites]


I'm sorry Texans, but it's this sort of thing that makes me point at you and laugh.

Grimly.
posted by aramaic at 12:42 PM on August 7, 2015


Bastrop is practically suburban Austin. He isn't even close to the center of mass for these loons. That Rolling Stone reporter didn't have the cajones to report from Giddings.
posted by bukvich at 12:59 PM on August 7, 2015




The difference is that the Dem's weren't electing the anti-Bush lefties to Congress or governorships. It's a very big and very important difference.

Oh, of course. There are many differences, and the right wing lunatic fringe is much, much more dangerous, even when not actively engaged in acts of domestic terrorism. I'm just speaking from my experience as a twenty-something Austinite in the 2000s who loathed Bush/Cheney and was a regular viewer of Alex Jones's loony but entertaining cable access show.
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:04 PM on August 7, 2015


The release didn’t address the details of the “realistic” scenario dreamed up by the Marine Special Operations Command that involved gunning down a married civilian woman with a recent manicure.
He's got a point, you know. It's not the soccer mom. It's little Tiffany.
posted by octobersurprise at 1:05 PM on August 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


Fred Clark raises a question of character: does finding out that there is no conspiracy feel good? Finding out that horrible news is false should feel good.

If someone says to herself "thank God I was wrong, there wasn't a coup" then that person has a fixable problem. They're bad at weighing evidence, but seeing their belief turn out to be false gives her a reason to be more careful in future.

Some believers will end up feeling bored and go looking for the next zany story to believe, jonesing for a fix of sweet, sweet make believe. They like to fantasize about being heroes. Hey, I hear planned parenthood is grinding up babies for cash!

If the belief that planned parenthood might be grinding up babies for cash brings a smile to your face, your problem is moral, not epistemological.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:07 PM on August 7, 2015 [9 favorites]


the man of twists and turns: Jim Wright: Jade Helm: The Insanity that Ate Texas

Maybe after Texas gets eaten, we can salvage the ruins from the newly expanded Gulf of Mexico and build a nice big bridge to span the distance between New Mexico and Louisiana. Of course, that's a pretty long distance, so we'd have to build some way-station islands, but it would probably make the whole tiresome drive cooler.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:14 PM on August 7, 2015


Here's the thing: Jade Helm is kind of crazy, in the sense that it is measurably weird for multiple detachments of plainclothed, black-ops soldiers to be practicing their infiltration skills on rural highways and ordinary people's private land. Even though the Army Special Operations Command issued a statement reassuring the public that most of the maneuvers would be conducted in "remote areas," people wanted to know which remote areas, and why there needed to be soldiers rehearsing for an unconventional war on American soil at all, and what exactly it meant that the operation's architects had drafted a map of Texas labeling the state as "hostile territory." Which is simply to say: You didn't have to be a full-on gold-burying, ammo-hoarding devotee of the Big American Crazy to be slightly creeped out by Jade Helm, especially when you might come across some highly trained military killers tramping through your neighbor's backyard.

No, this is just paranoid idiocy, pure and simple. It's obvious that they're training for unconventional combat in conditions similar to those found in battlefields that they may reasonably expect to be deployed to in the future: areas of the Middle East. Some areas are labeled "hostile territory" because that's what the region is being used for in the context of the training.
posted by Sangermaine at 1:19 PM on August 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


Also, if I were commanding a team of special ops types tasked with getting themselves and their equipment through Texas unnoticed, I would have dressed them in pseudo-military, mall ninja tactical crap from armysurplusworld.com and have them claim to be another patriot group looking for Jade Helm. "You guys seen them anywhere?"

The problem with this is far too many in the military aren't white, thus, they'd be caught out immediately.
posted by eriko at 1:20 PM on August 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


Are Rogue Militants Preparing for War on American Soil? (Spoiler: Betteridge's Law of Headlines applies here.

zombieflanders: You laugh, but the crazies are out there getting violent.

So Betteridge's Law is incorrect, but the article needs to be re-written to clarify that the Rogue Militants are not with any branch of the US military, but civilian militants.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:20 PM on August 7, 2015


Rustic Etruscan: Gawker's Phase Zero: You Should Be Angry About Jade Helm Even If You're Not Crazy

Why? Because military folks are practicing for urban warfare in real cities? Or because they bought Handgun Target #9 ("Soccer Mom" with a handgun aimed forward)? That seemed to be the focus of much the article:
Someone in the bureaucracy decided to buy this particular target for the Raven exercise; someone approved it, and then the purchase was made with our tax dollars. And then the moms were delivered and put on stakes and dozens (hundreds) of Marines looked at them and—what? They probably giggled...and then shot at them anyway.
Somehow, I doubt marines giggled when shooting targets. And I approve targets not all looking like stereotypical Bad People.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:26 PM on August 7, 2015 [10 favorites]


Who wants to dress up as warboys and drive around rural Texas this weekend?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:45 PM on August 7, 2015 [9 favorites]


The problem with this is far too many in the military aren't white, thus, they'd be caught out immediately.

And the police would shoot them.
posted by elizilla at 1:51 PM on August 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


In that Lizard Person Secret Service, I love the fact it says "ignore the artifacts from zooming really far into this video, but pay attention to the way his (blurry) features appear to shift," as if that's not an issue of digital artifacts.

Degrade 34 to 36. Pan right and pull back. Stop. Degrade 34 to 46. Pull back.
posted by srboisvert at 2:02 PM on August 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


plainclothed

Is this true or just made up?
posted by kiltedtaco at 2:18 PM on August 7, 2015


It is almost always better for your mental health to read rogue as rouge.
posted by srboisvert at 2:57 PM on August 7, 2015


I just drove across rural VA and NC and I saw a lot more Confederate flags flying on trucks than usual, and AFAIK there's no Ole Miss game this weekend. A few of these vehicles had obviously homemade flat black paint jobs. Did not give me the warm fuzzies.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 2:59 PM on August 7, 2015


It is almost always better for your mental health to read rogue as rouge.

That's why I like to think of Sarah Palin's book is about her discovery of her perfect lipstick to complement shooting wolves from helicopters.
posted by arcticseal at 3:01 PM on August 7, 2015


Jingoistic yahoos were absolutely certain that refrigerated Blue Bell ice cream trucks would be repurposed as rolling morgues.

"How does the ice cream taste?"

"It varies from person to person."
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:08 PM on August 7, 2015 [9 favorites]


Umberto Eco, in Foucault's Pendulum, gives these words to a sensible person who is skeptical of the convoluted plot her man has helped invent: "...your plan is full of secrets, full of contradictions. For that reason you could find thousands of insecure people ready to identify with it. ... Beware of faking: people will believe you."

Conspiracy theories pave the way for bad shit, as in North Carolina, mentioned upthread. They are not harmless. And Gov. Abbott should be ashamed of facilitating paranoia.
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:51 PM on August 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


Somehow, I doubt marines giggled when shooting targets. And I approve targets not all looking like stereotypical Bad People.

I would rather the U.S. military not even contemplate shooting at U.S. civilians.
posted by jonp72 at 6:15 PM on August 7, 2015


I don't want to spoil Foucault's Pendulum, but that character did not get the point of the real danger and dies shortly before the end of the book because of her innocent and willful ignorance. The greatest danger is that your concoction is actually true though you thought you made it up, and you attract the attention of the Illuminati who decide to play with you, even though they could not have cared less about you before you opened your big fat mouth.

Also Foucault's Pendulum is a fictional novel!

Jade Helm is real. The Department of Defense is conducting warfare preparations against the citizens of the United States. That doesn't bother me too much because I subscribe to a quasi-Quietist philosophy, but you do not have to be any kind of Rocket Scientist to know that a bunch of people who buy ammo by the pallet really do not like this at all.
posted by bukvich at 6:15 PM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Please, comport yourself. A pallet of ammo is a geometric commodity, the more you want, the more it costs. Like the Tulip bulb craze thing.
posted by clavdivs at 6:27 PM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Seriously, could the U.S. military have picked a name that wasn't some Tom Clancy reject like Jade Helm? Any PR guy could have told you that you give it the most boring-ass, non-descriptive name possible, something like Synergistic Integration Functional Demonstration, Version 1.3. See, I'm narcotized into indifference already.
posted by jonp72 at 6:51 PM on August 7, 2015


Seriously, could the U.S. military have picked a name that wasn't some Tom Clancy reject like Jade Helm?

Myself, I thought it sounded like they were raiding Molten Core for leet tanking gear.
posted by AdamCSnider at 8:45 PM on August 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


I don't want to spoil Foucault's Pendulum, but that character did not get the point of the real danger and dies shortly before the end of the book because of her innocent and willful ignorance.

Not to be pedantic, but Lisa doesn't die. Lorenza and Belbo do. That's assuming that the narrator is at all reliable, which is one hell of an assumption.

Whenever I see these militia nut things in the news these days I get this really weird, almost nostalgic feeling. The way you feel when you see someone from high school years later? Or a notable public figure who sort of disappeared from the scene for a decade or so? I remember these loons being everywhere back in the 1990s. I think I may be part of a very, very narrow generation of Americans whose first introduction to terrorism was a bunch of white, male middle-class people - the Unabomber, the Oklahoma City bombing, the anti-abortion bombers.
posted by AdamCSnider at 9:04 PM on August 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


warbaby did a fantastic post about this a number of years ago tracking the surge in right-wing militia nonsense during a Democrat presidency. For those worried about JADE HELM why not read about Robin Sage and then get a goddamn grip.
posted by longbaugh at 11:59 PM on August 7, 2015


Who wants to dress up as warboys and drive around rural Texas this weekend?

Yeah that sounds like the best way to get shot I'm on board
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:02 AM on August 8, 2015


I would like to point out that Governor Abbot called out the State Guard, not the National Guard.

The Texas State Guard is an oddity, something like the Shriners, with different hats. Just about every state has an organization like this.

They're not bad, the ones I have met have been nice guys. Unarmed, I'm pretty sure.
posted by atchafalaya at 6:00 AM on August 8, 2015


Just for once, why doesn't the paranoia latch onto something useful? Like "My god, the secret cabal of Big Biznez Gumnt is poisoning our livers with HFCS" or "Chemtrails? Chemtrails? That's some serious shit coming out of all those tailpipes!". What is it about real systematic, profoundly destructive, deeply misrepresented entrenched dangerous realities that they seem so unattractive to worry about compared to fantasies? Is it the danger that you actually end up responsible for fixing things that you know to be wrong, rather than deep-down knowing that the enjoyable wingnuttery you joyfully espouse doesn't matter?

You can't fix craziness, but why can't you use it?
posted by Devonian at 6:18 AM on August 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Not to be pedantic, but Lisa doesn't die. Lorenza and Belbo do.

You might be right. My reading of the ending has a much bigger body count. Those guys do not leave witnesses. I don't see how Lisa can come out on the other end.

A pallet of ammo is a geometric commodity, the more you want, the more it costs.

google tells me a box of 50 is thirty cents per round and a pallet gets you down to 21 cents per round for standard 9mm bullets. Disclaimer: I have never actually had a pallet of ammunition delivered to my home.
posted by bukvich at 7:11 AM on August 8, 2015


I want fresh Russian or Ukrainian 7.62mm. 150-175$ per 1000 is going rate. That's high, do your first pallet will cost you more if you want it upfront, now, off course order and a pallet is cheaper. My count is 50,000 rounds for a packing pallet.
Olokok, for you, 5%. Off. Cash up front.
posted by clavdivs at 2:13 PM on August 8, 2015


I think I may be part of a very, very narrow generation of Americans whose first introduction to terrorism was a bunch of white, male middle-class people...

There's also all those folks victimized by Nathan Bedford Forrest's little band of terrorists.

Also, Pete Lanteri looks kind of familiar.
posted by TedW at 5:35 PM on August 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


The problem I have with this, that I attempted to elucidate to my neighbor, is that each of these soldiers has a mother, father, girlfriend, boyfriend, sister, brother, homie or best friend who is also an American.

It's not like these people are robots who are not somehow Americans and would have no compunction wasting another American. Or rounding them up and putting them into a concentration camp. I mean, do you know a soldier who would be cool with that?

Sure, some of them are dirtbags, but many really do buy into the culture of honor and glory and God and country and would seriously not be okay with supposed Jade Helm level conspiratorial shenanigans.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 3:07 PM on August 10, 2015


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