You will know fear
August 19, 2015 1:57 AM Subscribe
She abandons the quad. Clomps home in her wellies. Throws the door open. Partner:
"You're back early. How's the quad running since I converted it to run on eucalyptus oil?"
posted by pracowity at 2:08 AM on August 19, 2015 [31 favorites]
"You're back early. How's the quad running since I converted it to run on eucalyptus oil?"
posted by pracowity at 2:08 AM on August 19, 2015 [31 favorites]
If I was a Eucalyptus tree I'd be running as fast as I could. (Which, I guess, is zero...)
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 2:17 AM on August 19, 2015
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 2:17 AM on August 19, 2015
Look Up And Live!
posted by But tomorrow is another day... at 2:32 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by But tomorrow is another day... at 2:32 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you're ever walking through a eucalyptus forest and you think you hear satan, don't worry. It's just a koala.
posted by adept256 at 2:38 AM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by adept256 at 2:38 AM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Dear employer,
I apologise for my recent absences from work. My house is in a wooded area. The koalas have me surrounded, and I am down to my last can of baked beans. Please send help.
Kind regards
Langton's Ant
ps. Oh shit I think I just saw an emu. Shit shit shit. Those fuckers are like balrogs.... Drums in the deep. I cannot get out. I cannot get out...
posted by langtonsant at 2:59 AM on August 19, 2015 [15 favorites]
I apologise for my recent absences from work. My house is in a wooded area. The koalas have me surrounded, and I am down to my last can of baked beans. Please send help.
Kind regards
Langton's Ant
ps. Oh shit I think I just saw an emu. Shit shit shit. Those fuckers are like balrogs.... Drums in the deep. I cannot get out. I cannot get out...
posted by langtonsant at 2:59 AM on August 19, 2015 [15 favorites]
You haven't known fear until you've camped in the Australian bush and heard the sound of koalas talking about how their day was.
posted by awfurby at 3:10 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by awfurby at 3:10 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
"I don't know what I'll do now" she says looking at the Koala hanging on her back wheels.
Try the reverse gear.
posted by three blind mice at 3:34 AM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Try the reverse gear.
posted by three blind mice at 3:34 AM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
The Babacute-cute-cute!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:37 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:37 AM on August 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
Talk about true lethality having one serious marketing team...
On the other hand, a truly lethal species which stages its disagreements thus is never going to be perceived as too threatening.
posted by rongorongo at 3:50 AM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
On the other hand, a truly lethal species which stages its disagreements thus is never going to be perceived as too threatening.
posted by rongorongo at 3:50 AM on August 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
For more information on drop bears from a credible source...or another credible source.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:06 AM on August 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:06 AM on August 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
"‘He was in love with me and I rejected him so he chased me’"... Looked to me like it was in love with that tire... but, if that's what she want's to believe...
posted by HuronBob at 4:12 AM on August 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by HuronBob at 4:12 AM on August 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think those drop bear articles are taking the piss, mate
posted by numaner at 4:19 AM on August 19, 2015
posted by numaner at 4:19 AM on August 19, 2015
the one I saw in Perth had a sail
look at the claws, THE TERRIFYING CLAWS
posted by MarionnetteFilleDeChaussette at 4:41 AM on August 19, 2015
look at the claws, THE TERRIFYING CLAWS
posted by MarionnetteFilleDeChaussette at 4:41 AM on August 19, 2015
years ago I was in the outback bush in rural Australia - early morning bush walk - when I heard the most insane growling. Made the hair on my arms rise up. I assumed it was a bush pig and quickly headed back up the trail. I later learned that it was growling koalas. Bastards!
Oh, and those who think that drop bears are not real, the Australian Museum thinks otherwise. :)
posted by greenhornet at 4:44 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh, and those who think that drop bears are not real, the Australian Museum thinks otherwise. :)
posted by greenhornet at 4:44 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
She told the Adelaide Advertiser: ‘He was in love with me and I rejected him so he chased me’
Tinder for koalas.
Just remember I thought of it first.
posted by tommasz at 5:17 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Tinder for koalas.
Just remember I thought of it first.
posted by tommasz at 5:17 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
I enjoyed when she told it to piss off.
"Oh...right then. Sorry about that, ma'am."
posted by Chrysostom at 5:21 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Oh...right then. Sorry about that, ma'am."
posted by Chrysostom at 5:21 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hell hath no fury like a koala scorned.
posted by sutt at 5:27 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by sutt at 5:27 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
It Koallows.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:46 AM on August 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Mister Moofoo at 5:46 AM on August 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
I lived in Australia and wasn't aware that koalas could run; I thought they were a sort of Australian equivalent to the sloth, tree-bound, immobile and somewhat dopey. (There is an urban legend in Australia that koalas are permanently drunk because the eucalyptus oil from the leaves they eat ferments inside them, intoxicating them.)
posted by acb at 5:50 AM on August 19, 2015
posted by acb at 5:50 AM on August 19, 2015
"want's"....It appears I need at least a 3 hour edit window....
posted by HuronBob at 6:23 AM on August 19, 2015
posted by HuronBob at 6:23 AM on August 19, 2015
Koalas: so dumb they cannot recognize a eucalyptus leaf on a table, and apparently inexplicably violent.
Have we perhaps found the core demographic behind the bewildering electoral success of Tony Abbott?
posted by leotrotsky at 6:32 AM on August 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
Have we perhaps found the core demographic behind the bewildering electoral success of Tony Abbott?
posted by leotrotsky at 6:32 AM on August 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
If I drove into this koala forest to on my quad and now couldn't get out, what should I do? Hypothetically.
posted by klausman at 6:56 AM on August 19, 2015
posted by klausman at 6:56 AM on August 19, 2015
Would you rather fight a duck-sized Koala, or a Koala-sized duck? And how would you know which it was?
posted by blue_beetle at 7:33 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by blue_beetle at 7:33 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Cloverfield II.
posted by bowline at 7:34 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by bowline at 7:34 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
My Australian ex-girlfriend was astounded by the idea that anyone would think koalas are cute. To her they were just mangy raccoons that sit in trees and get drunk all day. Of course, when she visited North America she thought raccoons were adorable, whereas everyone here knows they're just really big rats.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:53 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:53 AM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Volker suggests several methods bushwalkers can adopt to defend against potential drop bear attacks. These include wearing forks in the hair or spreading Vegemite behind the ears or under the armpits.
I'd rather be eaten, thanks.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:29 AM on August 19, 2015
I'd rather be eaten, thanks.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:29 AM on August 19, 2015
Now, see: if you were in a hole with a Koala, we could help ya.
posted by alex_skazat at 8:49 AM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by alex_skazat at 8:49 AM on August 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Would you rather fight a duck-sized Koala, or a Koala-sized duck? And how would you know which it was? ... You know you're confusing Koalas with platypus, right?
posted by HuronBob at 9:50 AM on August 19, 2015
posted by HuronBob at 9:50 AM on August 19, 2015
alex_skazat: "Now, see: if you were in a hole with a Koala, we could help ya."
Nope. That helpless, they'd be dead before they could post.
posted by Samizdata at 1:48 PM on August 19, 2015
Nope. That helpless, they'd be dead before they could post.
posted by Samizdata at 1:48 PM on August 19, 2015
I think those drop bear articles are taking the piss, mate
That's what they - the bears - want you to think!
Oh...oh gods, you're one of them! Run, everyone. RUN!
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:41 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
That's what they - the bears - want you to think!
Oh...oh gods, you're one of them! Run, everyone. RUN!
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:41 PM on August 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Possums fucking is still a worse noise to hear late at night.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:44 PM on August 19, 2015
posted by geek anachronism at 4:44 PM on August 19, 2015
The headline promised me a quad-riding Koala.
posted by reiichiroh at 7:19 PM on August 19, 2015
posted by reiichiroh at 7:19 PM on August 19, 2015
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posted by Samizdata at 2:08 AM on August 19, 2015 [5 favorites]