By the time we drop Deez Nuts on them, they’re pretty deep into the poll
August 20, 2015 7:14 AM   Subscribe

Deez Nuts, the Independent candidate from Iowa, is polling at 9 percent in North Carolina for President of the United States. Sadly, Deez Nuts does not appear to exist. But Brady Olson does [...] Brady Olson is 15 years old. He filed to run for the President of the United States with the FEC on July 26 as Deez Nuts.
Presidential Sensation Deez Nuts Is a 15-Year-Old Iowa Farm Boy
posted by griphus (115 comments total) 24 users marked this as a favorite
 
I'm not sure America is ready for Deez Nuts.
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:17 AM on August 20, 2015 [40 favorites]


Dozens of real Deez Nutses or Deez Nutzes do live as citizens in the United States of America with legally changed names...
I would not bet a single dollar that all of those people had legally changed their names.
posted by Etrigan at 7:18 AM on August 20, 2015


Savior and Nuts join President Emperor Caesar, Buddy the Cat, Buddy the Elf, Jack Sparrow, James “Titus the Great” Law, Princess Oawlawolwaol, and Donald Trump in the 2016 race for the presidency.

I see what you did there.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 7:21 AM on August 20, 2015 [27 favorites]


“The U.S. would have to pass an amendment to take out Article 2,” says Olson. “But Congress wouldn’t do that—after being so embarrassed after losing to Deez Nuts.”

Okay, that made me laugh.
posted by Stynxno at 7:22 AM on August 20, 2015 [13 favorites]


It's worth mentioning that these are the best third-party-candidate numbers anyone's put up since Perot.
posted by mhoye at 7:23 AM on August 20, 2015 [38 favorites]


Really, though, the magic is what that name does for normally dry-as-dust political survey questions. Do you have a favorable or unfavorable opinion of Deez Nuts?
posted by mhoye at 7:24 AM on August 20, 2015 [16 favorites]


I can see why that's gaining traction. Bofa is a very important issue.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:25 AM on August 20, 2015 [18 favorites]


I wonder if Goodspaceguy will join the fray.
posted by duffell at 7:27 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]


Maybe he's going to promise every American citizen a bag of goodies.
posted by vogon_poet at 7:28 AM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


No doubt his poll numbers have been swayed by the backing of that shadowy SuperPAC, The Pen15 Club.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:28 AM on August 20, 2015 [65 favorites]


Well okay, but my man Not Sure is doing pretty well, too.
posted by RobotHero at 7:29 AM on August 20, 2015 [11 favorites]


No doubt his poll numbers have been swayed by the backing of that shadowy SuperPAC, The Pen15 Club.

Also the Teabag Party
posted by Kabanos at 7:29 AM on August 20, 2015 [13 favorites]


Do the polls show whether Santorum could come out on top over D.........

Nah, never mind.
posted by Cookiebastard at 7:30 AM on August 20, 2015 [29 favorites]


Wow, the 18- to 29-year-olds are surprisingly informed and negative on Deez Nuts.
posted by Huck500 at 7:31 AM on August 20, 2015 [6 favorites]


How is this not titled: Deez Nutz: Exposed?

Missed clickbait opportunity of the year.
posted by T.D. Strange at 7:35 AM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


We Exposed Deez Nuts, You Won't Believe The Bofa That Resulted
posted by griphus at 7:36 AM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


He should choose They Vibrate as his running mate.
posted by Kabanos at 7:37 AM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


"I am not intimidated by Deez Nuts!"
Gov. Scott Walker
posted by Floydd at 7:41 AM on August 20, 2015 [12 favorites]


#FeelTheNuts
posted by univac at 7:41 AM on August 20, 2015 [13 favorites]


Mike Judge was an optimist.
posted by entropicamericana at 7:42 AM on August 20, 2015 [85 favorites]


“It started because somebody emailed us under the name Deez Nuts,” says Jim Williams, an issue polling specialist a Public Policy Polling. “He said, ‘I’m Deez Nuts. I’m running. Here’s my filing statement. Would you poll me?’”

Williams thought “this is something Public Policy Polling would do,”


Bless you, sir.
posted by nubs at 7:43 AM on August 20, 2015 [46 favorites]


I'm just left struck by the question of how he, as a future High School senior, could dip Deez Nutz into his college application essays.
posted by Blasdelb at 7:44 AM on August 20, 2015 [13 favorites]


The endorsements have started.
posted by Etrigan at 7:47 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


This really did not go well when it happened in Black Mirror.
posted by One Second Before Awakening at 7:50 AM on August 20, 2015 [7 favorites]


I remember the halcyon days of Randee of the Redwoods. I think Spuds McKenzie might have run, too. Nothing like joke candidates to let you know things have gotten underway.
posted by emjaybee at 7:52 AM on August 20, 2015


I hope he chooses Updogg as his running mate.
posted by drezdn at 7:59 AM on August 20, 2015 [13 favorites]


I think Bofa will have to beat out Deez Nuts, but then accept him as his running mate.

Bofa / Deez Nuts 2016!
posted by dis_integration at 8:04 AM on August 20, 2015 [5 favorites]


TRUMP CAMPAIGN BLAMES DEEZ NUTS

DEEZ NUTS SPOILER HANDS VICTORY TO HILARY
posted by straight at 8:04 AM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


You know, I kind of get it. I keep looking at what may well be the largest field of candidates in living memory, and I just can't see any of them actually winning the Presidency. Even the handful I would be willing to vote for.

But I mean someone has to win the election, don't they?

Don't they?
posted by Naberius at 8:04 AM on August 20, 2015


“The next step is to get some party nominations, like the Minnesota Independence Party or the Modern Whig Party,” Olson says. “It would also be great to find a VP, preferably McCubbins because the Nuts/McCubbins ticket sounds amazing.”

This kid's got a good head on his shoulders.
posted by Itaxpica at 8:08 AM on August 20, 2015 [16 favorites]


"This really did not go well when it happened in Black Mirror" - statement is applicable to the vast majority of news stories lately
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:10 AM on August 20, 2015 [14 favorites]


I'm just left struck by the question of how he, as a future High School senior, could dip Deez Nutz into his college application essays.


I was a student on the admissions committees and I would have insisted we consider this guy (who was doing the 1995 equivalent) then. Twenty years later, I would be even more insistent.

It's one thing to make some joke on the Internet (a skill which, obviously, I respect), but filing the paperwork shows a special kind of follow through.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:11 AM on August 20, 2015 [28 favorites]


NOTE: Submission of false, erroneous, or incomplete information may subject the person signing this Statement to penalties of 52 U.S.C. §30109.

I hope it either stays a joke or he officially gets his name changed to Deez Nuts. Really, I just hope he gets his name changed.
posted by phlyingpenguin at 8:13 AM on August 20, 2015


prosecute deez nuts
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:14 AM on August 20, 2015 [10 favorites]


We can't go soft on Deez Nuts. Given the crimes he's committed, we have to use a firm hand with Deez Nuts.
posted by dis_integration at 8:23 AM on August 20, 2015 [13 favorites]


But the dig at Trump is the whole point of the article, right? I mean this is the Daily Beast, so obviously.
posted by The World Famous at 8:27 AM on August 20, 2015


Free Deez Nuts!
posted by dr_dank at 8:31 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]


Please tell me there is a bumper sticker I can purchase!?!
posted by Fizz at 8:32 AM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


I just heard that Mr Nuts got an endorsement from Senator Dover.

Ben Dover for Deez Nuts in 2016!
posted by dis_integration at 8:32 AM on August 20, 2015 [11 favorites]


> The endorsements have started.

Another missed opportunity. Headline should have read: Athletic Support for Deez Nuts
posted by Kabanos at 8:39 AM on August 20, 2015 [36 favorites]


The candidate polling at 9 percent in North Carolina against Trump and Clinton isn’t a real person.

Wait, she isn't?
What's the reverse of a garden path sentence, which only misleads you if you don't read the first half properly
posted by Gordafarin at 8:48 AM on August 20, 2015 [5 favorites]


If elected, will there be calls for impeachment?

SACK DEEZ NUTS!
posted by Sunburnt at 8:48 AM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


Athletic Support for Deez Nuts

Really? I'd heard his athletic supporters were low on cash at the moment. The article was Jocks Strapped.
posted by resurrexit at 8:49 AM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]




tonycpsu: "The Day Every Local News Station Got BOFA'd"

"You just got Bank of Fuckin' America'd bro!"
posted by boo_radley at 8:51 AM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


phlyingpenguin: "NOTE: Submission of false, erroneous, or incomplete information may subject the person signing this Statement to penalties of 52 U.S.C. §30109."

Eh, you can pretty much file under whatever name you want to appear on the ballot. So Bobby Jindal might run as Piyush "Bobby" Jindal or P. Bobby Jindal or "Bobby" Jindal or Bobby Jindal or Bobby (Piyush) Jindal or whatever he feels is most appropriate. Some states alphabetize on the ballot, and then you may have to provide a legal name to prevent an arms race that begins as Aaron Aardvark and ends at Aaaaaaron Aaaaaaardvark, but it's more typical that everyone who files at the opening of the filing period gets their spot decided by lottery; then names are placed in the order they come in. Or else everyone is sorted by lottery. Women run under their maiden or married names, people drop unpronounceable last names in favor of a First/Middle combination, people run under all kinds of combinations of First, Middle, Nickname, and Initials for their forenames. You'll see names like Daniel "Big Dan" Smith in local elections a lot, because name recognition by a nickname can really matter.

Generally the election commissions aren't super-concerned with what you're calling yourself, but whether you're reporting your fundraising correctly under all your many and various names and committees. An opponent could probably file a complaint that Joe "Vote For Me" Jones was not a real nickname and was intended to game the ballot, and force him to just run as Joe V. Jones, but they give you pretty wide latitude if you'd really prefer to campaign as Deez Nuts -- as long as your fundraising is all appropriate.

PS, I looked it up, and he runs as Bobby Jindal (no quote marks or nicknames) and his paychecks are made out to Piyush Jindal. Louisiana does have a ballot rule about "real" names but apparently it's sufficient that your identity not be confusing to voters.

Other examples: Nikki Haley is Nimrata "Nikki" Randhawa Haley; Mitt Romney is of course Willard Mitt Romney; John Ellis "Jeb" Bush; and of course everyone's favorite Rich White (Republican) who decided to run as Rick White even though he'd never been called "Rick" in his life because that was just TOO awful to put on a ballot.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:52 AM on August 20, 2015 [33 favorites]


Just in case there was any doubt left that we are living in an overwrought satirical parody universe.....
posted by schmod at 8:58 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


I've heard that he was encouraged to run by a former New Hampshire congressman. He was all over Deez Nuts.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:09 AM on August 20, 2015 [6 favorites]


I for one am an ardent supporter of Deez Nuts. Let's get busy people, we can't let Deez Nuts down!
posted by MikeMc at 9:26 AM on August 20, 2015


This joke candidate was first brought to my attention a couple weeks ago after a somewhat misogynistic headline claiming the candidate was homosexual when in fact he was rallying against our rationale for entering the Iraq war: "Deez Nuts Hate Bush!"
posted by AGameOfMoans at 9:30 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


Even more interesting, in my mind, is that Not Sure is polling at 12%... Idiocracy here we come!
posted by twjordan at 9:35 AM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


Jesus this is all so stupid. It's a 15-year old kid. He took an amusing advantage of lax restrictions on a candidate filing. He will never be on an actual ballot, even as an independent candidate, because he literally cannot run for President.

That PPP even polled this is a sign of how our media is either unacceptably bored or hopelessly incompetent with actually reporting on the election right now. I know I sound like I'm making an impassioned case for my lawn here but as I've noted before, this election's kind of, you know, important and we've already got actual circus acts getting on ballots for real.

Just stop this. Please. I'm legitimately begging you here, media, country, voters, world, whatever. For Christ's sake please start taking this fucking seriously.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 9:45 AM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


I think, XQUZYPHYR, you are a little bit missing the joke. Nobody is taking it even the slightest bit seriously, except in that this guy's poll numbers might say something about how people are viewing the election.

Also, this kid is amusing, and I am 100% in favor of random 15-year-old kids from rural Iowa being amusing.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 9:47 AM on August 20, 2015 [28 favorites]


This may be the only moment of legitimate levity in the grim meat-hook election cycle of 2016. For Christ's sake don't spoil it.
posted by wotsac at 10:13 AM on August 20, 2015 [18 favorites]


I've never seen someone so livid about Deez Nuts before.
posted by griphus at 10:18 AM on August 20, 2015 [16 favorites]


Jesus this is all so stupid. It's a 15-year old kid. He took an amusing advantage of lax restrictions on a candidate filing. He will never be on an actual ballot, even as an independent candidate, because he literally cannot run for President.

Geez, dude. Climb down off of Deez Nuts and get a grip.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:22 AM on August 20, 2015 [9 favorites]


It's worth mentioning that these are the best third-party-candidate numbers anyone's put up since Perot.

To be fair, on an apples-to-apples basis Perot would still have six months before he announced his candidacy.
posted by rhizome at 10:23 AM on August 20, 2015


That PPP even polled this is a sign of how our media is either unacceptably bored or hopelessly incompetent with actually reporting on the election right now.

PPP has always included the questions for entertainment or not much more than that. They're the outfit that asked people whether they liked Congress better than {telemarketers, John Edwards, root canal, NFL replacement refs, lice, the Kardashians, Nickelback, lobbyists, North Korea, ebola, Lindsey Lohan, colonoscopies, Fidel Castro, Washington pundits, carnies, traffic jams, cockroaches, playground bullies, Donald Trump, meth labs, France, Genghis Khan, communism, used car salesmen, gonorrhea, Brussels sprouts}
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:27 AM on August 20, 2015 [5 favorites]


Despite what some view as a lack of qualifications due to the youth and inexperience of Deez Nuts, no one can deny the passion, anger, and delight inspired by Deez Nuts. No one is ever bored by Deez Nuts. And, rising in the polls like this, Deez Nuts cannot be ignored. So, America is taking a long, hard look at Deez Nuts. And that's a good thing.
posted by Cookiebastard at 10:31 AM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


Are you a voter? Because Deez Nuts will poll you.
posted by zippy at 10:32 AM on August 20, 2015 [5 favorites]


in your guts you want Deez Nuts
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:34 AM on August 20, 2015 [11 favorites]


it's morning wood in America again
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:35 AM on August 20, 2015 [11 favorites]


I read "For Christ's sake" as "For Christ's sack". I blame Deez Nuts.
posted by mogget at 10:36 AM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


I know I sound like I'm making an impassioned case for my lawn here but as I've noted before, this election's kind of, you know, important

Too important. Which is exactly why people are clutching Deez Nuts in terror.
posted by octobersurprise at 10:39 AM on August 20, 2015 [13 favorites]


As of today, there are 445 days left until the election. I love this kind of humor mixed in with all of the tedious ads, polls, speeches, speculations, blahblah that will only increase in number and intensity up until next November 8.

I wanna see more of Deez Nuts.
posted by Fig at 10:47 AM on August 20, 2015 [6 favorites]


For Christ's sake please start taking this fucking seriously.

Honestly? It's too early in the process for me to care. Maybe when primaries actually start happening, then, you can expect me to respect the process. Until then, I throw my full support behind Deez Nuts.
posted by graventy at 10:50 AM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


In town, I often visited his music shop "CDs Nuts".
posted by dr_dank at 11:02 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]


Great work on the tags, btw.
posted by Pronoiac at 11:02 AM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


Just stop this. Please. I'm legitimately begging you here, media, country, voters, world, whatever. For Christ's sake please start taking this fucking seriously.

I love the state I grew up in dearly, but they could award electoral college votes to Deez Nuts and it would be a better outcome than half the people they've elected in recent years.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:09 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


Buddy the Cat, 2016: One Cat, One Vote, One Beer!

...I'm gonna drink a little gin and some mellow wine
Then I'm gonna try that voting machine out just one more time...
posted by MonkeyToes at 11:14 AM on August 20, 2015


He will never be on an actual ballot, even as an independent candidate, because he literally cannot run for President.

Yeah, Deez Nuts could put an end to this right now. Why doesn't he just release the original long-form birth certificate? If he has one. Huh? Why can't he produce it?
posted by Naberius at 11:16 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


A week or so ago, I had started to make a megapost about the kind of insane presidential candidates you can find just by browsing the FEC website, starting with Limberbutt McCubbins. But events overtook me, and it was a lot of work to browse the hundreds of entries, for uncertain results. Mostly I found defunct campaigns, Christian fascists, moderate no-hopers, obvious jokes, and the mentally ill. I didn't want to be accused of making a whole post just to laugh at people's dreams, so I dropped it.

I made a note of some remarkable ones, though, like George Bailey, who could be leveraging his wholesome name and position as a Southern black conservative to outflank Ben Carson on the right. (“I am one of God’s ordained ministers, fearless and willing to go on record and oppose using Americans taxes to line the pockets of murderers in Parent Planhood Clinics for murdering our unborn babies.”)
posted by Countess Elena at 11:21 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


Jesus this is all so stupid. It's a 15-year old kid. He took an amusing advantage of lax restrictions on a candidate filing. He will never be on an actual ballot, even as an independent candidate, because he literally cannot run for President.

People under the legal age required to hold the office of President can and do run for that office regularly, and they may be included on the ballot, depending on local regulations. For example, during the 2012 election, Peta Lindsay (who was in her late twenties at the time, and was thus ineligible to hold the office of President) was the candidate for the Party for Socialism and Liberation, and she was included on the ballot for eleven states.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 11:23 AM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


*SNIFF*
GOD BLESS AMERICA
posted by Theta States at 11:25 AM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


Running on a strict dickfor platform I assume.
posted by holybagel at 11:27 AM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]


Peta Lindsay (who was in her late twenties at the time, and was thus ineligible to hold the office of President) was the candidate for the Party for Socialism and Liberation

And her VP was a naturalized (?) citizen. Between them, those two were as likely to be elected as Deez Nuts.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:41 AM on August 20, 2015


Is there a funding site set up so I can contribute to this kid's college fund?
posted by Theta States at 11:50 AM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


If elected, Deez Nutz would be so deep in the corporate- and special-interest coin purse that we'd never know what he stands for, despite his testimony.

On the other hand, this candidate would be most at ease when the heat is on, and will sit firm if Congress gives a chilly reception.
posted by Sunburnt at 12:08 PM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


Yeah, without a platform based on shrinkage, we'll know Deez Nutz is balls deep in corruption
posted by rhizome at 12:34 PM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]


Maybe the question we need to ask is: can America handle Deez Nuts?
posted by ssg at 1:31 PM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


"If Deez Nuts is in the White House when the phone rings at 3am, I can tell you what is going to happen! America won't stand tough! No! America will shrink from what needs to be done! American will shrink like a frightened turtle if Deez Nuts is in charge!"
posted by nubs at 2:28 PM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


Benefits of having an imaginary person as president:
1) Fewer scandals
2) Fewer military actions
3) Less torture and incarceration of innocent people
4) More efficient legislation
5) Shorter State of the Union address
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 2:58 PM on August 20, 2015


And her VP was a naturalized (?) citizen. Between them, those two were as likely to be elected as Deez Nuts.

Yeah, bofa them.
posted by dry white toast at 3:21 PM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


Seriously though how much longer until an actual-for-real corporation runs as a candidate and it gets taken seriously

Isn't that Trump?
posted by Djinh at 3:35 PM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


Benefits of having an imaginary person as president:

Deficits: no one to check the non-imaginary people.
posted by octobersurprise at 4:10 PM on August 20, 2015


For Christ's sake please start taking this fucking seriously.

For Christ's sake let people blow off a little steam. I am being 100% serious here, is Deez Nuts candidacy any less legitimate than Trump's? Trump isn't running for president, he's running a viral marketing campaign for his next reality TV show - so this process was already a farce long before Deez Nuts revealed themselves.
posted by Colby_Longhorn at 6:13 PM on August 20, 2015 [7 favorites]


The New York Times weighs in on Deez Nuts:
Tom Jensen, the director of Public Policy Polling, said he added Deez Nuts to statewide survey three weeks ago because “the name makes people laugh, and it’s a long presidential election.’’

But Mr. Jensen also drew a serious conclusion from the Deez Nuts surge.

“I would say Mr. Nuts is the most ludicrous and unqualified third-party candidate you could have, but he’s still polling at 7, 8, 9 percent,’’ Mr. Jensen said. “Right now the voters don’t like either of the people leading in the two main parties, and that creates an appetite for a third-party candidate.’’
So that's what the New York Times has to say about Deez Nuts.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 6:18 PM on August 20, 2015 [3 favorites]


"I would say Mr. Nuts is the most ludicrous and unqualified third-party candidate you could have ... "

Well, pretty obviously he's not the most ludicrous and unqualified candidate ...
posted by octobersurprise at 6:35 PM on August 20, 2015


That would be Doze Nuts
posted by Freelance Demiurge at 7:43 PM on August 20, 2015 [2 favorites]


But Mr. Jensen also drew a serious conclusion from the Deez Nuts surge.

Oh, aren't we all too familiar with what happens after Deez Nuts surge all over the place?
posted by dis_integration at 8:04 PM on August 20, 2015


In all seriousness, Deez Nuts are the best thing that has happened in this campaign yet. While the ship is sinking you need a middle-school chuckle or two.
posted by dis_integration at 8:05 PM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh, aren't we all too familiar with what happens after Deez Nuts surge all over the place?

A brief nap?
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:11 PM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


All I know is this election I'm voting for D's all the way down the ballot.

All Democrats? Nope.

ALL DEEZ NUTS.
posted by arcolz at 8:14 PM on August 20, 2015 [4 favorites]


Deez Nuts, explained

Don't ever change, Vox!
posted by tonycpsu at 9:10 PM on August 20, 2015


Trump is not running as a joke. He is running to be the first American emperor.
posted by bigbigdog at 9:21 PM on August 20, 2015


You know what, I can't tell if my standards are too low, but I was so relieved and delighted to see a 15 year old white troll reach national fame who wasn't just spewing /chan or GG hate. I've been laughing out loud at his website all day. From his official platform:

Social Justice:
I am not sure what social justice is, so I googled it just before I wrote this but all I saw were a bunch of teenage girls talking about how fat they are, so I am definitely not in favor of social justice. You aren't fat, you're beautiful. Oops, I just read the third result. Looks like social justice is not about teenage girls feeling fat because they were comparing themselves to the girls in the teen choice awards. Turns out it is about cops not going around killing people. I am also not in favor of that. Deez Nuts is, without hesitation, anti-girls without self-esteem/anti-murderous cops

Minimum Wage:
The minumum wage is a heated issue. I, too, have visited the shores of San Francisco where it costs $5 to have a bum spit in your face. Because of that, I am extremely in favor of a $15 nationwide minumum wage increase– Wait, an intern (I have several) just told me it's now $7 to have a bum spit in your face, so replace $15 with $17 minimum wage increase. You know what? Let's just make it an even $20 for good measure.


Maybe the kids are alright.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:04 PM on August 20, 2015 [10 favorites]


insane presidential candidates you can find just by browsing the FEC website, starting with Limberbutt McCubbins.

Link.
posted by homunculus at 11:01 PM on August 20, 2015


There is a vast difference between Deez Nuts and the rest of the field--candidates who have prostrated themselves before the ghost of Ayn Rand (unfortunately their seminal influence). That one of those wriggling jerks, each with the barest germ of an idea, can win a race--simply by flailing around more effectively--and give rise to a new presidency demonstrates what a pungent, sticky mess our electoral process is.

Deez Nuts is our best hope to keep the other candidates away from the dark places where they can do the most damage. He will wipe them from the body politic; their slimy ideas will dry and turn to dust in the open air. Vote Deez Nuts in 2016.
posted by maxwelton at 11:41 PM on August 20, 2015 [1 favorite]


Trump is not running as a joke. He is running to be the first American emperor.

He'd be 156 years too late for that.
posted by acb at 3:38 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


My mom's in North Carolina for the summer so I asked her what she thought of Deez Nuts, assuming it would have been on the local news, and I got in trouble for being vulgar. :(
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:15 AM on August 21, 2015 [10 favorites]


From the platform:
Gay Marriage

Can you beleive what our country has come to? Us, as country, forcing TRADITIONAL families to get gay married? What's next? Us forcing wholesome, christian families to engage in polygamy? Us forcing them to, against their will, get married to bits of string? It is something I simply will not stand for. If elected president, I will make sure that all those people who got gay marriages even though they didn't want to will be taken care of.
This kid is clearly having a lot of fun. Sadly, school starts next week, so he'll probably have to stop running for president and do his homework instead.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:37 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Rumors are circulating on InfoWars that Deez Nuts was not even born in America, or at all
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:59 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Does the Constitution forbid unborn candidates?
posted by nubs at 10:02 AM on August 21, 2015


Deez Nuts must be having the time of their young life right now.
posted by MetropolisOfMentalLife at 10:04 AM on August 21, 2015


nubs, the candidates have to be born, naturally
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:18 AM on August 21, 2015


the candidates have to be born, naturally

Being unborn is natural too!
posted by nubs at 10:20 AM on August 21, 2015


All we are saying is...give Deez a chance...
posted by Cookiebastard at 12:00 PM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


The punishment for a second offense is death.
Donald Trump or Deez Nuts?
posted by octobersurprise at 12:07 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


I imagine he'll call himself the Trumperor.
posted by bigbigdog at 5:18 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Third prize is you're fired.
posted by The World Famous at 8:38 AM on August 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


In a surprise development, Bernie Sanders and John Kasich have been endorsed by Deez Nuts.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 12:13 PM on August 22, 2015 [4 favorites]


#FeelTheNuts
posted by Cookiebastard at 1:27 PM on August 22, 2015 [1 favorite]




Brady Olson is a little overwhelmed by the attention. Also, he has to decide whether he wants to march in the Graettinger Labor Day Parade as a member of his high school band or a presidential candidate.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 6:03 PM on August 27, 2015


This thread is the gift that keeps on giving
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 6:09 PM on August 27, 2015


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