Reboot, reuse, recycle
August 21, 2015 8:07 AM   Subscribe

93 Movie Remakes and Reboots Currently in the Works. From the recent and the successful to the silent and obscure, Hollywood is going to remake and reboot it all.
posted by immlass (154 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
 
No Howard the Duck. No peace.
posted by delfin at 8:15 AM on August 21, 2015 [9 favorites]


Timur Bekmambetov's Ben-Hur sounds pretty good, tbh. Also there's no less than three Kurt Russel movies in there. I don't know what that means, but it stood out.
posted by griphus at 8:15 AM on August 21, 2015


My phone gets as far as showing Akira and then the page stops working. I guess I should take that as some kind of warning or metaphor or something.
posted by Artw at 8:15 AM on August 21, 2015 [6 favorites]


Also three Jean Claude Van Damme movies as well. Also ughhhh I was wathcing and enjoying Kickboxer and then it had a super-egregious sexual-assault-of-love-interest-as-motivator-for-the-male-lead moments and noap. Let's hope they leave that bullshit out of the remake.
posted by griphus at 8:17 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Nobody wants you, Akira remake, nobody.
posted by Artw at 8:19 AM on August 21, 2015 [30 favorites]


Pete's Dragon? Give me a break.

As many, many people have said on Twitter, though, I would totally watch a remake of Weird Science where Gabourey Sidibe and Rebel Wilson compile their own personal Channing Tatum.
posted by infinitewindow at 8:22 AM on August 21, 2015 [24 favorites]


You don't need to worry about the Akira remake. As this linked article hints, it's been in development hell at Warner Bros. for 13 years, and I remember hearing about attempts in the 90s. I seriously doubt it's ever going to really happen. It's like the live-action Neon Genesis Evangelion adaptation that's been kicking around for like 20 years.
posted by Sangermaine at 8:23 AM on August 21, 2015


Big Man Japan broke my brain a little when I saw it, mostly the last ten minutes of it made absolutely no sense.
posted by Kitteh at 8:24 AM on August 21, 2015


I was all like "meh, I guess that's OK" until I got to page 3 and they hit me with The Naked Gun, Point Break, Road House, Scarface, Starship Troopers, The Warriors, and Weird Science. And then I was all like "meh, those gonna suck."
posted by Cookiebastard at 8:24 AM on August 21, 2015


I think it's important to note that "in the works" seems like it could mean anything from "Hey we own the rights! I guess maybe sorta coulda we could make this" to "In Production." A number of these also seem to be films they've wanted to make for years and years (Hi, Akira!) but have never been able to get their shit together on, and probably have little chance of actually being made.
posted by tittergrrl at 8:26 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


The Hollywood remake system has proven completely incapable of at all understanding why people love Paul Verhoeven movies. I wouldn't be surprised if the Starship Troopers "remake" was a straight adaptation of the novel or maybe American Sniper In Space.
posted by griphus at 8:27 AM on August 21, 2015 [15 favorites]


I read to the bottom of the third page and it felt like falling into the well of lost souls, and what should I meet at the bottom but cultural vitality.

They laughed when the press release said Ed Helms was stepping in for Leslie Nielsen in a Naked Gun remake, but they won't be laughing for long.
posted by biffa at 8:27 AM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


An Akira remake is only acceptable if the delightful Osric Chau plays the lead. (Didn't he star in a really well done fan trailer for Akira? Because the image seems to trigger me remembering something about that...)
posted by Kitteh at 8:27 AM on August 21, 2015


It's like the live-action Neon Genesis Evangelion adaptation that's been kicking around for like 20 years.

You mean Pacific Rim?
posted by sparklemotion at 8:28 AM on August 21, 2015 [11 favorites]


That would actually be the sixth film or TV version of Ben-Hur going back to 1907.
posted by octothorpe at 8:28 AM on August 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


"Garbage Industry Spawns More Garbage - Tales from the Apocalypse"
posted by glaucon at 8:31 AM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


I understand the desire and demand to remake Problem Child 2 but Problem Child 3? That's taking it a bit too far, Hollywood.
posted by item at 8:31 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


I don't really mind remakes if the original film is forgotten or not very good. A modern take on The Black Hole (they better keep the ending!) would be fine with me.

What I don't understand is why studios think some of these title have enough brand recognition to make licensing the original worthwhile. Take The Craft, a film that is completely forgotten. If they want to make a film about witches, just call it Wiccateens and then you don't have to credit the original producers. It's not like it is going to build on the rich characters and intricate world-building of the original*.

Is it that funding a project is easier if you can pretend it is based on a previously successful film?

* may be sarcasm
posted by AndrewStephens at 8:33 AM on August 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


I'd actually be OK with a new adaptation of Alien Nation.
posted by teponaztli at 8:33 AM on August 21, 2015 [16 favorites]


I didn't get further than the first page, but I'm already seeing a few that basically have nothing more on them than that someone optioned the rights, which in no way guarantees that a movie will ever be made or seriously attempted--a production company could snap up the option simply because they're already working on something similar and are trying to strangle the potential competition in the cradle. Plus, some are only continuations of existing series, or "remakes" of movies that were themselves remakes. (Per octothorpe above, the best-known Oz movie was the tenth Oz movie, with some of its predecessors produced by L. Frank Baum himself.) And, as just mentioned by other commenters, some of these movies should be remade.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:35 AM on August 21, 2015


There are a couple of movies on here-- The Black Hole and Flash Gordon-- which boggle me, because the stories are terrible, but the design made those movies worth watching. Reboots generally take the story and discard the design, so... huh. I guess you could view them as a reliable template to hang some fantastic production design on?
posted by phooky at 8:35 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Take The Craft, a film that is completely forgotten.

We must hang out with very different people.
posted by griphus at 8:36 AM on August 21, 2015 [42 favorites]


New intellectual property is risky. To keep shareholders happy with high returns, studios are just recycling all the stuff they own, and hoping they can make bank in foreign markets.

Capitalism and art aren't completely incompatible, but shit like this isn't helping.
posted by SansPoint at 8:36 AM on August 21, 2015 [6 favorites]


Surely a gritty reboot of Look Who's Talking Too will be the greatest movie ever!
posted by blue_beetle at 8:37 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'd actually be OK with a new adaptation of Alien Nation.

I prefer to think of it as a District 9 cash-in with much cheaper rights.
posted by biffa at 8:40 AM on August 21, 2015


I don't really mind remakes if the original film is forgotten or not very good.

Generally this is my opinion too, but as evidenced by your example of The Craft, both "forgotten" and "not good" are subjective conditions.
posted by dogwalker at 8:43 AM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


Surely a gritty reboot of Look Who's Talking Too will be the greatest movie ever!

Not gritty, bleak, they should cast Travolta and Alley as the actual grown babies and then have the voices of the babies as still trapped somewhere in there so that we can hear them but with the adults shuffling through the empty detritus of their existences.
posted by biffa at 8:44 AM on August 21, 2015 [12 favorites]


There are plenty of movies about (or referencing) making movies, but has there been one about making a remake? If so, has anyone remade it?

Hollywood needs me.
posted by Devonian at 8:45 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


There's nothing wrong with a remake per se. If the original was lacking in some way, or you have some fresh new perspective or idea that you can bring, that's fine.

But the better the original, the higher the bar. If you're trying to remake The Godfather, you better have something beyond mind-blowing to bring to the table. If you're remaking Baby Geniuses...you pretty much have carte blanche.
posted by Sangermaine at 8:48 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


A Star Is Born

Wow, has it been that long since the Barbra Streisand version?!

WarGames

Some movies only work in a certain time and place (e.g., when computers were new). The recent "Fame" and "Footloose" reboots failed for this reason. If they were to make a new WarGames, it wouldn't be WarGames. Hmmph. /lawn
posted by Melismata at 8:48 AM on August 21, 2015 [10 favorites]


There are a couple of movies on here-- The Black Hole and Flash Gordon-- which boggle me, because the stories are terrible, but the design made those movies worth watching.

You've got it all wrong. It's the title that's the important part.
posted by neckro23 at 8:50 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


I'm sure I knew about the Footloose remake at the time, but it somehow slipped my mind so completely that when someone told me Whiplash was in it its existence was a superse. Pretty sure I will return to that state of ignorance before long.
posted by Artw at 8:51 AM on August 21, 2015


...but has there been one about making a remake?

This is going to bother me for days because I know I've seen that plot before but I don't at all remember if it was a movie or TV show or which movie or TV show.
posted by griphus at 8:52 AM on August 21, 2015


That would actually be the sixth film or TV version of Ben-Hur going back to 1907.

And just to make a list of works that were already remakes or reboots or work adapted from existing intellectual property:

1. Akira
2. The Batman
3. Beauty and the Beast
4. Ben Hur
5. The Birds
6. The Crow
7. Das Boot
8. Don't Look Now
9. Dumbo
10. Dungeons and Dragons
11. The Entity
12. Flash Gordon
13. Ghost in the Shell
14. Green Lantern
15. The Grudge
16. Headhunters
17. Hellraisers
18. The Howling
19. The Invisible Man
20. It
21. Jumanji
22. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
23. The Legend of Conan
24. Logan's Run
25. The Fugitive
26. The Magnificent Seven
27. Manhunt
28. Masters of the Universe
29. Mortal Combat
30. The Mummy
31. The Naked Gun
32. Nosferatu
33. Pete's Dragon
34. Pet Sematary
35. Power Rangers
36. Red Sonja
37. Scarface
38. Spider-man
39. A Star is Born
40. Starship Troopers
41. Strangers on a Train
42. Stuart Little
43. The Sword in the Stone
44. Tomb Raider
45. The Warriors
46. The Wolf Man
47. Zorro
posted by maxsparber at 8:53 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


dogwalker meet griphus; griphus, dogwalker. You guys talk while I sit over here in the corner alone and friendless, waiting patiently for the studio to call me back about my spec script Battle Beyond the Stars remake.
posted by AndrewStephens at 8:54 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Pfft. All these retreads and I haven't gotten so much as a nibble on my James Bond time-travel 60s period concept. MeMail me, Hollywood!
posted by Rock Steady at 8:54 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


I actually kind of liked NuRoboCop, or at least bits of it - it veers between an attempt to update the original with some solid ideas on how to do it and an utterly generic 2010s action movie repeatedly.
posted by Artw at 8:54 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


The willingness to re-make stuff drives me bonkers when there are other properties stalled for one reason or another that I want to see.

Neill Blompkamp's short Halo film, I thought, was the harbinger of a truly excellent sci-fi action film, but that didn't happen.

And I'm still waiting for the Robotech movie to get made...

Le sigh.
posted by Thistledown at 8:56 AM on August 21, 2015


I don't know what the fuck the new LXG is all about, the original being an utter dog and not exactly a box office draw. I guess they could be trying to make it more of an adaptation of the comic, but that seems unlikely - the best we could think of on Twittrr is that it might be an attempt to cash in on Penny Dreadful.
posted by Artw at 8:58 AM on August 21, 2015


dogwalker meet griphus; griphus, dogwalker.

oh we already met on the line to meet Fairuza Balk and Skeet Ulrich at CraftCon '07.
posted by griphus at 8:58 AM on August 21, 2015 [14 favorites]


THE MUMMY

HOW DARE YOU
posted by poffin boffin at 8:59 AM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


After watching the recent Richard Stanley doc all I want is a show where Balk and Stanley team up and do stuff.
posted by Artw at 8:59 AM on August 21, 2015


That documentary would have been much improved by maybe another hour of Balk talking about trying to work with Brando as an actor and Brando just not giving the smallest rat turd.
posted by griphus at 9:01 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Not gritty, bleak, they should cast Travolta and Alley as the actual grown babies and then have the voices of the babies as still trapped somewhere in there so that we can hear them but with the adults shuffling through the empty detritus of their existences.

Travolta and Alley going about their movie character grown baby lives and then every time someone interacts with them, whatever their spoken reply is should be drowned out by the sound of an internal crying angry baby. This will accurately represent adulthood as it has never before been accurately represented.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:01 AM on August 21, 2015 [11 favorites]


"So no one was saying anything I walked up to Marlon and I said 'Mr. Brando you can't just urinate on a P.A. like that' and he just looked at me and said 'I can do whatever I want, I'm the Eternal King of Time.' And no one knew if he was kidding! Ten minutes after that he just punched Val Kilmer in the stomach, walked into the bush and didn't come back out for two weeks."
posted by griphus at 9:02 AM on August 21, 2015 [10 favorites]


This is going to bother me for days because I know I've seen that plot before but I don't at all remember if it was a movie or TV show or which movie or TV show.

why hasn't christopher guest made this already
posted by poffin boffin at 9:04 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


All the disasters on that movie are funnier when they are happening under the director I don't like.
posted by Artw at 9:04 AM on August 21, 2015


Michael Bay's The Birds? Seriously?
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 9:05 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Travolta and Alley going about their movie character grown baby lives and then every time someone interacts with them

I always like to point out that Pulp Fiction was just one Kirstie Alley away from being a Look Who's Talking film.
posted by maxsparber at 9:06 AM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


Also the other day for the very first time I watched the Nic Cage Wicker Man atrocity in full and idk if I will ever fully recover.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:08 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


When they run out of Bond novels to gritty up, they should branch out into Ian Fleming's other work. Gritty Gritty Bang Bang could really put the gore in fantasmagorical.
posted by oulipian at 9:08 AM on August 21, 2015 [16 favorites]


Ball and Stanley could fight crime but that seems a bit prosaic for them, maybe it could be a Saphire and Steel type thing. Obviously Stanley's wizard helping out but the spells failing at critical points would be part of the plot.
posted by Artw at 9:09 AM on August 21, 2015


Also the other day for the very first time I watched the Nic Cage Wicker Man atrocity in full and idk if I will ever fully recover.

It helps to think of it as an unrelated film that coincidentally has the same name and plot.
posted by maxsparber at 9:09 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Rename it to "Bee Fun".
posted by Artw at 9:10 AM on August 21, 2015 [9 favorites]


I would have called it "OH YES THE BEES."
posted by maxsparber at 9:11 AM on August 21, 2015 [6 favorites]


Come to think of it, why aren't they remaking The Bees or The Swarm. I loved those films when I was a kid. There was a guy who fought bees with a sword.
posted by maxsparber at 9:13 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Take The Craft, a film that is completely forgotten.

Not in my house, where it's remembered any time my wife needs a pick me up.
posted by lumpenprole at 9:14 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


hilariously burning man this year has been infested with bitey green stink bugs, this is what happens when you DISHONOR AND DILUTE the meaning of actual human sacrifice
posted by poffin boffin at 9:14 AM on August 21, 2015 [7 favorites]


Some of these were terrible movies but good ideas, so they really do need to be rebooted. Disney's The Black Hole was awful, but a story about a madman turning the crew of a ship into zombie cyborgs? Yes, please.

But others ought not be rebooted or remade. Big Trouble of Little China? You'll buy your ticket over my dead body.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:16 AM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


I think I could turn and live with stink bugs. They are so placid and self-contained. They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins. They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God. Not one of them kneels to another or to his own kind that lived thousands of years ago. Not one of them is respectable or unhappy, all over the earth.
posted by maxsparber at 9:16 AM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


The Rock in a Big Trouble themed anthology would be something I would be so into though.
posted by Artw at 9:18 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


A gigantic beauty of a stink bug, fresh and responsive to my caresses. Head high in the forehead, wide between the antennae, limbs glossy and supple, tail dusting the ground, eyes full of sparkling wickedness, antennae finely cut, flexibly moving.
posted by oulipian at 9:23 AM on August 21, 2015


Is that from when stink bugs invaded the remake of The Black Stallion?
posted by maxsparber at 9:25 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


I generally do not trust Hollywood as it is currently constituted to remake any beloved movie. Pretty much everything about how the system works today argues against any results being a satisfying experience.

I do think that Howard the Duck deserves a second chance, but I would not wish today's film industry upon him. The odds of the duck falling into the hands of movie people who love and understand his story seem remote.

That said, I'm not sure how, but there are some stories that somehow resist abomination. There have been countless Dracula movies, for example, and a fair number of them have at least something to recommend them.

Finally, I would gladly trade every one of these remakes for one unmade sequel: Hanoi Xan and the World Crime League.

To bring it full circle: Out of curiousity I looked up W. D. Richter, and was reminded that before Buckaroo -- a movie that, like Star Wars is not a remake so much as a pastiche -- he wrote the screenplays for two successful remakes, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) and Dracula (1979).
 
posted by Herodios at 9:27 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Nosferatu remake written by Dave Eggers? I don't know how I feel about that.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:28 AM on August 21, 2015


A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Bloodsucking.
posted by maxsparber at 9:29 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Dungeons & Dragons??? Well, it couldn't be any worse than the original...
posted by Mogur at 9:29 AM on August 21, 2015


Wargames reboot director: "[...] and have a kind of teenage youthfulness to it."

ugh

The only winning move is not to watch.
posted by numaner at 9:33 AM on August 21, 2015 [7 favorites]


As long as they're as good as the remakes of Total Recall and Robocop, I'm psyched.
posted by gottabefunky at 9:34 AM on August 21, 2015


Dungeons & Dragons was a piece of shit, but it did well enough in theaters for a direct-to-video sequel called Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God which is actually not too bad if you're a giant D&D nerd.
posted by griphus at 9:35 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Nosferatu remake written by Dave Eggers?

Is it a remake of Nosferatu? Or of Nosferatu? Or of Nosferatu?

Those Hollywood barstids keep rejecting my Dracula / Cyrano mashup spec script, Noseferatu.
 
posted by Herodios at 9:36 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Greatly relieved not to see Buckaroo Banzai on here.
posted by ryanshepard at 9:37 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Also the other day for the very first time I watched the Nic Cage Wicker Man atrocity in full and idk if I will ever fully recover.

Fortunately, the film itself presents a solution for this.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 9:38 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Also the D&D movie has the immortal line "just like you thieves, always taking things that don't belong to you," which is in permanent rotation with my D&D crew.
posted by griphus at 9:38 AM on August 21, 2015 [8 favorites]


Greatly relieved not to see Buckaroo Banzai on here.

That was already remade as The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.
posted by maxsparber at 9:39 AM on August 21, 2015


Don't name things, you know that triggers Monkey Paw curses.
posted by Artw at 9:45 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


My rule if I was dictator of Hollywood would be if you do a remake or adaptation you can't use the same title as what you adapt. So The Thing From Another World and The Thing are okay, (Both based on Who Goes There?) but the 2011 The Thing is not. I haven't yet ruled on whether just calling it Thing would have been sufficient.

This means they're more likely to remake/adapt things based on the quality of the story rather than whether it has name recognition.
posted by RobotHero at 9:47 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


I wouldn't declare a blanket moratorium on remakes and reboots, but I would like to propose a rule: if you want to remake a movie, you must submit a 2500-word essay explaining why you wish to do so and what flaws in the original you intend to address.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:50 AM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


As a rule of thumb remakes are okay if you make them in the 70s or 80s.
posted by Artw at 9:53 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


The Rock in a Big Trouble themed anthology would be something I would be so into though.

Hmm. I just flashed on something that has never been done right that would be right up Dwayne's alley.


This fall . . . The Rock is Doc Savage!

It's perfect. He's perfect.

Have your people call my people.
 
posted by Herodios at 9:55 AM on August 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


An Akira remake is only acceptable if the delightful Osric Chau plays the lead.

Every single movie on the list
would be not just acceptable but actively excellent with Osric Chau in the lead. Double for any movie in which he can co-star with the Rock.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:01 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Problem: too much reuse and recycle, not enough reduce.
posted by allthinky at 10:06 AM on August 21, 2015 [7 favorites]


No "Beastmaster"? What the hell?
posted by thelonius at 10:16 AM on August 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


An Akira remake is only acceptable if the delightful Osric Chau plays the lead.

Every single movie on the list would be not just acceptable but actively excellent with Osric Chau in the lead. Double for any movie in which he can co-star with the Rock
.

Correction: every movie ever made would be better with Osric Chau and the Rock. Yes, including Sherlock.
posted by Mogur at 10:17 AM on August 21, 2015


Rock Savage would be just about the perfect thing.
posted by Artw at 10:18 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


I wouldn't declare a blanket moratorium on remakes and reboots, but I would like to propose a rule: if you want to remake a movie, you must submit a 2500-word essay explaining why you wish to do so and what flaws in the original you intend to address.

Come now, it's always some combination of these:

The original film:
[_] Was not nude enough.
[_] Was not gorey enough.
[_] Was not explody enough.
[_] Reflected morals of its time instead of mine.
[_] Had someone else's name on it.
[_] Didn't make me any money.


As a rule of thumb remakes are okay if you make them in the 70s or 80s

*twang!!*
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssPOK!!itikatikatikatikatikatika . . .

 

 
posted by Herodios at 10:18 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


This fall . . . The Rock is Doc Savage!

OK, I could go for that. With Zach Galifianakis as Ham. I'm with others that say the first film was bad and a reboot could do it justice (Flash Gordon, Black Hole, Dungeons & Dragons), but some of them need no reboot (Cube, Big Trouble in Little China, Howling), and some need no reboot, but are intriguing (Highlander, Logan's Run, Stargate), but others are real head-scratchers: I mean honestly, Das Boot? Naked Gun? Why would you remake these films?
posted by eclectist at 10:21 AM on August 21, 2015


I'd love to see a version of Naked Gun that doesn't have OJ Simpson in it.
posted by maxsparber at 10:25 AM on August 21, 2015


Can we get a Brewster's Millions in here? Isn't it about time for another remake of that?
posted by j9ac9k at 10:33 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


I might need to dial back my love for Key & Peele a bit when seeing their names attached to a Police Academy reboot has me thinking, "Well, it might be good!"
posted by gladly at 10:37 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


The original film:
[_] Was not nude enough.
[_] Was not gorey enough.
[_] Was not explody enough.
[_] Reflected morals of its time instead of mine.
[_] Had someone else's name on it.
[X] Didn't make me any money.

Well, duh! None of the others are even remotely plausible.
posted by Melismata at 10:39 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


As a rule of thumb remakes are okay if you make them in the 70s or 80s.

Fine, but everything Francis Ford Coppola made in the 70s should be untouchable.

1979 Apocalypse Now
1974 The Godfather: Part II
1974 The Conversation
1972 The Godfather
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:48 AM on August 21, 2015


Coppola made "One From the Heart" in 1979 (released in 1980), and there's an entire French movement that has essentially be remaking it ever since: Cinéma du look.
posted by maxsparber at 10:51 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Big Trouble of Little China? You'll buy your ticket over my dead body.

By which you mean, of course, "the check is in the mail."

This fall . . . The Rock is Doc Savage! It's perfect. He's perfect.

Honestly, this is brilliant. If ever there was an actor capable of playing the scene where Doc Savage improves his ablity to smell by smelling ever-weaker samples of scents—the big smell-training montage—it's the Rock.
posted by The Tensor at 10:54 AM on August 21, 2015 [7 favorites]


Apocalypse Now remake where Willard sails up the Euphrates to assassinate Dick Cheney.
posted by Artw at 10:57 AM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


All that and no reboot of The Shadow? Come on Hollywood, get your shit together. I know Jeremy Northam is too old now, but you've got no one to blame but yourselves for letting that ship sail. Was his role in Enigma not an obvious enough clue for you?
posted by Naberius at 10:57 AM on August 21, 2015


Apocalypse Now was already remade as The Island of Dr. Moreau, including Marlon Brando in the same role.
posted by maxsparber at 10:58 AM on August 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


Interesting titbit from the documentary: Wells was convinced Conrad had ripped him off.
posted by Artw at 11:04 AM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


I have tried numerous times to mentally recast Apocalypse Now with a modern cast (but otherwise not changed in any way AT ALL) and I can't really do it because I keep putting Val Kilmer as Col Kurtz and then laughing myself into a stupor.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:10 AM on August 21, 2015 [7 favorites]


Also I'm afraid someone would want James Franco as Willard and then I would have to destroy the entire human race.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:11 AM on August 21, 2015


Also I'm afraid someone would want James Franco as Willard and then I would have to destroy the entire human race.

Um ...

Actually, a pretty good choice on that one.
posted by maxsparber at 11:13 AM on August 21, 2015


We are talking about the same Willard, aren't we?
posted by maxsparber at 11:14 AM on August 21, 2015


The three versions of The Thing really show how bad Hollywood has gotten at this game lately. The original was fun in that '50s "and you call yourself a scientist" sort of way but was hampered by the special effects of the time and censorship. So the John Carpenter remake in the 80s had a lot of room to improve and actually went back to the short story and brought back the shape-changing plot from that. Since the effects work had advanced enough and the Hays Office was long gone by that time, they were able to show all the crazy stuff from the book.

The recent prequel/remake, in contrast, added exactly zero to to mix. It updated the effects but basically just followed the same beats as the Carpenter version and ended up seeming like a pointless exercise. The actors in the new movie were younger and more attractive than the old crusty guys in the older version but I doubt that I remembered a single performance ten minutes after I finished watching it. It felt like watching a college theater production of a play that the student actors were all twenty years too young to play.
posted by octothorpe at 11:14 AM on August 21, 2015 [8 favorites]


oh no but what about matthew mahogany as kilgore

also larry fishburne could play chief and it would be very meta
posted by poffin boffin at 11:15 AM on August 21, 2015


I'm generally against most remakes, but I'm kind of into the idea of a new Alien Nation. The theme is as relevant as ever, if not more so, but it's not one of those original classics that's so perfect and widely available that I'd just tell people to seek out the original.

I've also got no problem with Ben-Hur, since it's already been made several times, and any excuse to see Jack Huston in period costume is OK by me.

On the other hand, Escape from New York? I mean, sure, it was a dystopian fantasy, but wasn't half the appeal the metatext of New York's real-life dystopianness at the time?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:28 AM on August 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


Those Hollywood barstids keep rejecting my Dracula / Cyrano mashup spec script, Noseferatu.

"Your carotid artery, sir... is rather large."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:35 AM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Seriously, though, buying the rights to the name "Nosferatu" for your vampire movie is beautiful, because they originally wanted to film Dracula in 1921 but couldn't get the rights from Bram Stoker's widow.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:38 AM on August 21, 2015 [6 favorites]


Hmm. I just flashed on something that has never been done right that would be right up Dwayne's alley.


This fall . . . The Rock is Doc Savage!


Will he be filming that before or after Disney's Jungle Cruise?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:42 AM on August 21, 2015


Rule #1: if a film has an IMDB rating of 6.6 or higher, a remake is unnecessary.
posted by fings at 11:56 AM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


... Escape from New York ...

Snake Plissken? I thought your franchise was dead.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 12:01 PM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Rule #1: if a film has an IMDB rating of 6.6 or higher, a remake is unnecessary.

Rule #2: if a film has an IMDB rating below 6.6, a remake is inadvisable.
posted by Foosnark at 12:16 PM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


"Casablanca! They've re-made Casablanca. Philistines! I mean, Casablanca? The one starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive."
posted by fader at 12:26 PM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Another thing I'd like to see in the reboots and remakes conversation is sequels and prequels to movies that generally don't come up in conversation when you talk about sequels.

Setting the CGI vs. practical effects argument aside, the 2011 movie The Thing was a good prequel. Good script, good acting, they really did their homework to paint a picture to stand with the 1982 version. It wasn't as good as the original in any objective sense, but it was a darn fun popcorn movie, and it was fun to see, say, exactly how that fire axe got buried in the wall for Kurt Russell to find it back in 1982.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:34 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


I liked their equivalent to the blood test. Mostly it just seemed pointless though.
posted by Artw at 12:37 PM on August 21, 2015


fader: ""Casablanca! They've re-made Casablanca. Philistines! I mean, Casablanca? The one starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive.""

The one with David Soul, Ray Liotta and Scatman Crothers was the definitive version.
posted by octothorpe at 12:38 PM on August 21, 2015


Kirstie Alley was in the briefcase in pulp fiction.
posted by mannequito at 12:39 PM on August 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


exactly how that fire axe got buried in the wall for Kurt Russell to find it back in 1982.

The bit where they showed in pedantic detail where the melty-face creature came from was the bit where I wanted to say "you've got to be fucking kidding me" and turn a flamethrower on the whole fan-pandering affair.
posted by Artw at 12:39 PM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


The Hollywood remake system has proven completely incapable of at all understanding why people love Paul Verhoeven movies.

Not for lack of trying. This is Verhoeven's output as director for his American period:

2000 Hollow Man
1997 Starship Troopers
1995 Showgirls
1992 Basic Instinct
1990 Total Recall
1987 RoboCop

Hollow Man generated a sequel; Starship Troopers, three sequels; Showgirls, one sequel/spoof; Basic Instinct, a sequel; Total Recall, a TV series and a remake; RoboCop, two sequels, two TV series, and one remake. Has there ever been another director with a batting average of 1.000 for spontaneous franchise creation like this?

But yes, you are right: of the nine movies that are sequels or remakes to his six flicks, I have seen five and those were all dreadful. And yet all of his were watchable.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:10 PM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Both Starship Troopers and Robocop spun off cartoon series as well.
posted by griphus at 1:16 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Also, damn:
In 2013, Verhoeven remarked to The Hollywood Reporter: "I decided after Hollow Man, this is a movie, the first movie that I made that I thought I should not have made. It made money and this and that, but it really is not me anymore. I think many other people could have done that. I don't think many people could have made RoboCop that way, or either Starship Troopers. But Hollow Man, I thought there might have been 20 directors in Hollywood who could have done that. I felt depressed with myself after 2002."
posted by griphus at 1:18 PM on August 21, 2015 [7 favorites]


I will pay all the dollars to see Elizabeth Banks as Frankie Drebin in The Naked Gun remake.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2015


I don't know what the fuck the new LXG is all about, the original being an utter dog and not exactly a box office draw.

I would say that an underperforming, miscast adaptation of great source material is exactly the sort of thing that should be remade. To keep with Alan Moore: V for Vendetta, From Hell and Watchmen were all great as graphic novels; as films, they all... approached adequate
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:45 PM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Setting the CGI vs. practical effects argument aside, the 2011 movie The Thing was a good prequel. Good script, good acting, they really did their homework to paint a picture to stand with the 1982 version. It wasn't as good as the original in any objective sense, but it was a darn fun popcorn movie, and it was fun to see, say, exactly how that fire axe got buried in the wall for Kurt Russell to find it back in 1982.

I am with cpb on this one: I enjoyed it well enough, and I defy anyone to supply us a better unnecessary prequel to a remake of an adaptation of a short story.

(Actually, I really would like to hear what else fits in this set.)
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:49 PM on August 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


I am willing to shoot a low-budget prequel to the 2012 Total Recall film just to satisfy this.
posted by griphus at 1:53 PM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


I really doubt LXXG will be a return to source material.
posted by Artw at 2:04 PM on August 21, 2015


(Actually, I really would like to hear what else fits in this set.)

A hypothetical movie about a young Seth Brundle would fit the bill.
posted by Faint of Butt at 2:05 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Penny Dreadful is a better LOEG adaptation than any Hollywood adaptation will be.
posted by griphus at 2:07 PM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Highlander, eh? I loved the original, and the series - the sequel movies, though, ugh.

Ryan Reynolds, originally mooted as the new Connor MacLeod, is no longer on board, though.

Whew. Narrowly escaped that one.

I nominate either James McAvoy or Michael Fassbender.
posted by dnash at 2:10 PM on August 21, 2015


Nosferatu remake written by Dave Eggers? I don't know how I feel about that.

I think they meant Robert Eggers. Unless actually it's a movie about a husband and wife who become vampires and are like, "oh no, we're not good enough to be vampires!" and travel around the country visiting various obnoxious vampire friends, and then smugly conclude that they were really the best vampires all along.
posted by thetortoise at 2:46 PM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


McAvoy is too Scottish to be Connor MacLeod.
posted by biffa at 2:58 PM on August 21, 2015 [6 favorites]


Wow. For the most part, that's a list of "Why?" For the most part, I think the obvious reason is because most of those titles lend themselves to being overblown CG love-fests. Just imagine...A Birds remake, and this time we can have billions of birds turning the sky black! And the mahem! Ugh.

I have to admit, though, I'm pretty intrigued by a live-action Ghost in the Shell. I think it could work a hell of a lot better than Akira. Then again, I'd be perfectly happy if they never did it, too.

And, remake Seven Samurai? Oh, hells no.
posted by Thorzdad at 3:10 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Okay, the specific rule for Kurosawa samurai movies is you can remake them, but they have to be set in the old west, or in space.
posted by RobotHero at 3:16 PM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


Does that Ghost in the Shell movie still have Scarlett Johansson cast as the Major?
posted by thetortoise at 3:18 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Unless actually it's a movie about a husband and wife who become vampires and are like, "oh no, we're not good enough to be vampires!" and travel around the country visiting various obnoxious vampire friends, and then smugly conclude that they were really the best vampires all along.

So tell me more of what you thought about Only Lovers Left Alive.
posted by eclectist at 3:23 PM on August 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


Snake Plissken? I thought your franchise was dead.

I think the rumor was, the next installment was going to be Escape From Earth.

How that would work I have no idea. Maybe Snake and co. fighting through an apocalyptic hellscape to get to Cape Canaveral, to get on the last ship to a secret Mars colony.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 3:36 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Okay, the specific rule for Kurosawa samurai movies is you can remake them, but they have to be set in the old west, or in space.

I'd also allow a post-apocalyptic future Earth.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:38 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


How about a corrupt mining town in the 1930s?
posted by Artw at 7:07 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Try the 1890s. They help the miners hold out against the Pinkertons.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:13 PM on August 21, 2015


wasn't escape from new york remade like fifteen years ago by hideo kojima
posted by DoctorFedora at 7:17 PM on August 21, 2015


You guys are telling me you wouldn't want to see a prequel to Dirty Harry showing Officer Callahan's first day on the job?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:01 PM on August 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


The trailer for "Point Break" is pretty awesome.

Apparently "War Games" had a sequel in 2008, WarGames: The Dead Code which by all accounts is dreadful. The computer wiz kids teams up with Professor Falken and W.O.P.R. to fight the new evil AI, R.I.P.L.E.Y.. Falken hasn't changed his password since 1983 and now has to use 1960s mainframe technology to fight armed Predator UAVs!

More ominously, "according to MGM's original press release, the film is budgeted as one in a series of direct-to-DVD sequels."
posted by autopilot at 8:39 PM on August 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


I will take "The Thin Man" being remade with Robert Downey, Jr., as William Powell. (I can't think of anyone to match Myrna Loy, so she may have to be digitally dubbed in.)

A "Taps" remake would be fun -- but no stunt-casting of Tom Cruise as the old headmaster or anything.

Also, please remake "The Cutting Edge" with Chris Pratt as the hockey player (but this time from California, growing up as a Mighty Ducks fan).
posted by wenestvedt at 8:47 PM on August 21, 2015


Those Hollywood barstids keep rejecting my Dracula / Cyrano mashup spec script, Noseferatu.

Those Hollywood barstids keep rejecting my Dracula / Cyrano Jones mashup spec script, The Trouble with Bloodsuckers.
posted by bryon at 9:36 PM on August 21, 2015


You guys are telling me you wouldn't want to see a prequel to Dirty Harry showing Officer Callahan's first day on the job?

Not unless they call it Clean Harry, no.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:43 PM on August 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


NowaitI'mback

The Seven Samurai was already remade, for chrissakes, as The Magnificent Seven.
They're remaking BOTH.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 12:34 AM on August 22, 2015


We need a remake of Altman's The Player.

But, "this is a no stars project." No Schwazeneggers, no car chases, no pat Hollywood endings. The story is just too damn important.
posted by bstreep at 1:12 AM on August 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


The best thing about The Thing is that the original story is so badly written it's a miracle that somebody thought it's a good source for adapting into anything, really. I mean, it's full of stuff like this:

"The huge blow-torch McReady had brought coughed solemnly. Abruptly it rumbled disapproval thoatily. Then it laughed gurglingly, and thrust out a blue-white, three-foot tongue."
posted by Pyrogenesis at 5:29 AM on August 22, 2015 [4 favorites]


The Craft

I really hope there are a lot of teens who see this and do cringe worthy things like I did. :D
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 6:47 AM on August 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


The best thing about The Thing is that the original story is so badly written

There may have been a reason JWC moved into editing.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:12 PM on August 22, 2015


Clean Harry

He spends the entire movie filling out forms and organizing his desk
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:11 PM on August 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


He spends the entire movie filling out forms and organizing his desk

"He's a self-disciplined cop who follows all the rules, but this time they've pushed him a little too far. So he's going to take some of his accumulated vacation time and focus on his personal relationships."
posted by lumpenprole at 3:29 PM on August 24, 2015 [4 favorites]


"I know you're wondering... Did I fire six shots or only five? In the interests of full disclosure it was only five."
posted by Artw at 4:35 PM on August 24, 2015 [5 favorites]


"Do you feel lucky, punk? If so, would you mind picking up some lottery tickets for the office?"
posted by Chrysostom at 7:16 PM on August 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


"Sociology? Oh, you'll go far — that's if you live ... Just don't let your college degree get you killed - because a student loan is a serious commitment."
posted by Artw at 7:31 PM on August 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


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