I, too, have birthdays.
August 25, 2015 6:35 AM Subscribe
Would you go to a toddler’s birthday party and kick over their cake to announce that you, too, have birthdays?
This is why I stopped getting invited to my friends' kids' birthdays.
posted by Sangermaine at 7:15 AM on August 25, 2015 [30 favorites]
This is why I stopped getting invited to my friends' kids' birthdays.
posted by Sangermaine at 7:15 AM on August 25, 2015 [30 favorites]
TLDR: if you aren't part of the target audience, take a walk around the block and appreciate that you don't need to comment and defend your non-minority group.
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:35 AM on August 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:35 AM on August 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yeah, I remember going to a public diversity meeting or something in college and listening to a guy talk about what his group was doing to promote equality for African Americans on campus, and a white student stood up and asked what she could do personally, and the guy said she should just treat people fairly and they would take care of the activism stuff... He was really nice about it. She got really, really upset and called him a racist and stormed out.
posted by Huck500 at 8:57 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Huck500 at 8:57 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
I love this, thank you for posting it. I'm seeing more and more that as a white cisgendered queer woman, my role in the anti-oppression movement is sometimes being on the front lines, and sometimes stepping back and amplifying the voices of others (with money, when I can.)
posted by arcticwoman at 9:22 AM on August 25, 2015
posted by arcticwoman at 9:22 AM on August 25, 2015
arcticwoman: "sometimes stepping back and amplifying the voices of others (with money, when I can.)"
I like to bring homemade chocolate chip cookies to protests that I agree with, but I'm not the protesting demographic. I say, "I really appreciate what you're doing, thank you for being out here talking about this issue, it's so important. Here, I brought you cookies."
I think one person bringing you cookies undoes like 20 jerks shouting mean things from passing cars. Especially if it's cold out.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:38 AM on August 25, 2015 [31 favorites]
I like to bring homemade chocolate chip cookies to protests that I agree with, but I'm not the protesting demographic. I say, "I really appreciate what you're doing, thank you for being out here talking about this issue, it's so important. Here, I brought you cookies."
I think one person bringing you cookies undoes like 20 jerks shouting mean things from passing cars. Especially if it's cold out.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:38 AM on August 25, 2015 [31 favorites]
I have an work acquaintance who recently uttered
"Hrumph. 'Gay Pride' day. Why isn't there a 'Straight Pride' day, huh?"
and, thanks largely to the internet, I had the perfect comeback, with
"There is a Straight Pride day; it's every other day of the year."
I just think it's a comment on the amount of guilt felt, and it's toxicity, when the first gut reaction is to defend one's privilege by pointing out how it's not spherical-cow-in-a-vacuum perfect privilege, rather than simply saying nothing.
Meanwhile, the Meet Your First Black Girlfriend video was awesome.
posted by eclectist at 9:43 AM on August 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Hrumph. 'Gay Pride' day. Why isn't there a 'Straight Pride' day, huh?"
and, thanks largely to the internet, I had the perfect comeback, with
"There is a Straight Pride day; it's every other day of the year."
I just think it's a comment on the amount of guilt felt, and it's toxicity, when the first gut reaction is to defend one's privilege by pointing out how it's not spherical-cow-in-a-vacuum perfect privilege, rather than simply saying nothing.
Meanwhile, the Meet Your First Black Girlfriend video was awesome.
posted by eclectist at 9:43 AM on August 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
"There is a Straight Pride day; it's every other day of the year."
To be fair, straight people have no trouble being proud even on Pride Day, so there's not even anything lost....
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:50 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
To be fair, straight people have no trouble being proud even on Pride Day, so there's not even anything lost....
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:50 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Did you lose something when they lifted themselves up?
This is something a lot of us need to be asking ourselves a lot more oftern.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:56 AM on August 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
This is something a lot of us need to be asking ourselves a lot more oftern.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:56 AM on August 25, 2015 [6 favorites]
thanks largely to the internet, I had the perfect comeback, with "There is a Straight Pride day; it's every other day of the year."
Heck, I remember getting a variation on that from my parents when I was a snot-nosed kid and randomly sassed off about how come we celebrate Mothers' Day and Fathers' Day, but not Children's Day, and I remember that line of reasoning really making an impression on me. I suspect that the people whose kneejerk response to Black History Month or Gay Pride is to immediately counter with "But why isn't anyone celebrating meeee?!?" are just folks who are still pissed about never getting their notional Children's Day presents.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:41 AM on August 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
Heck, I remember getting a variation on that from my parents when I was a snot-nosed kid and randomly sassed off about how come we celebrate Mothers' Day and Fathers' Day, but not Children's Day, and I remember that line of reasoning really making an impression on me. I suspect that the people whose kneejerk response to Black History Month or Gay Pride is to immediately counter with "But why isn't anyone celebrating meeee?!?" are just folks who are still pissed about never getting their notional Children's Day presents.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:41 AM on August 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have an work acquaintance who recently uttered
"Hrumph. 'Gay Pride' day. Why isn't there a 'Straight Pride' day, huh?"
and, thanks largely to the internet, I had the perfect comeback, with
"There is a Straight Pride day; it's every other day of the year."
When I was much younger I was occasionally miffed that there wasn't really any way that was culturally acceptable way to be "white proud". I wanted to have some way to celebrate who I was (or thought I was at the time). I didn't want to put my culture above others just wanted to have some way of saying that I was proud of who I was just because I was me (if that makes any sense).
I grew up in a small, rural, pre-internet logging town and the concept of privilege was essentially non-existent, and it wasn't until college that I had even met that many minority groups of any kind, at all let alone have enough understanding of any of their experiences to have any real empathy.
As I've gotten older I've spent a pretty substantial amount of effort into trying to understand my place in the world and how my race and culture affected others and what my place in all that is. I still struggle with understanding my emotional reaction to racial and cultural issues and examining them through a lens that lets me see my own privilege and how it relates the issue and my own emotional state. This isn't so much to say "yay for me! look at how enlightened I am!" just to point out that it takes a lot of work to start bringing yourself out of ignorance.
Depending on the delivery, saying "it's every other day of the year" might not have the effect of starting a person down the long road of self-examination that they might appear to need. instead it may do the opposite and have the effect of further isolating the person in their own bubble, looking out into a big scary world in which they feel that they are "less than" some other group a group that that person doesn't understand or might not like. That reaction to feel less than is understandable and I've felt that way several times and that reaction can lead to hostility without really thinking about how you feel. it takes a concerted effort on the part of a person in that position to really think about things, and some people don't want to do it (or even know it's an option).
posted by Dr. Twist at 10:47 AM on August 25, 2015
"Hrumph. 'Gay Pride' day. Why isn't there a 'Straight Pride' day, huh?"
and, thanks largely to the internet, I had the perfect comeback, with
"There is a Straight Pride day; it's every other day of the year."
When I was much younger I was occasionally miffed that there wasn't really any way that was culturally acceptable way to be "white proud". I wanted to have some way to celebrate who I was (or thought I was at the time). I didn't want to put my culture above others just wanted to have some way of saying that I was proud of who I was just because I was me (if that makes any sense).
I grew up in a small, rural, pre-internet logging town and the concept of privilege was essentially non-existent, and it wasn't until college that I had even met that many minority groups of any kind, at all let alone have enough understanding of any of their experiences to have any real empathy.
As I've gotten older I've spent a pretty substantial amount of effort into trying to understand my place in the world and how my race and culture affected others and what my place in all that is. I still struggle with understanding my emotional reaction to racial and cultural issues and examining them through a lens that lets me see my own privilege and how it relates the issue and my own emotional state. This isn't so much to say "yay for me! look at how enlightened I am!" just to point out that it takes a lot of work to start bringing yourself out of ignorance.
Depending on the delivery, saying "it's every other day of the year" might not have the effect of starting a person down the long road of self-examination that they might appear to need. instead it may do the opposite and have the effect of further isolating the person in their own bubble, looking out into a big scary world in which they feel that they are "less than" some other group a group that that person doesn't understand or might not like. That reaction to feel less than is understandable and I've felt that way several times and that reaction can lead to hostility without really thinking about how you feel. it takes a concerted effort on the part of a person in that position to really think about things, and some people don't want to do it (or even know it's an option).
posted by Dr. Twist at 10:47 AM on August 25, 2015
I rather liked the line from a recent video that I cannot remember the name of which was about police violence and black oppression. Middle-end-ish he says something like how he didn't need a white pride event because he didn't need to counteract a lifetime of being told explicitly and subtly that there was something wrong with his identity or that he was somehow less-than because of it.
posted by phearlez at 11:42 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by phearlez at 11:42 AM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
" I was occasionally miffed that there wasn't really any way that was culturally acceptable way to be "white proud". "
That's because "white" is a misnomer. "Black" refers to people whose ancestors are traced to slaves and thus don't know their heritage. There are German Pride, Italian Pride, Irish Pride events, etc. So there's no "white pride" parades or anything because there really isn't much of a thing such as "white". And American Pride day is probably July 4th.
posted by I-baLL at 12:06 PM on August 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
That's because "white" is a misnomer. "Black" refers to people whose ancestors are traced to slaves and thus don't know their heritage. There are German Pride, Italian Pride, Irish Pride events, etc. So there's no "white pride" parades or anything because there really isn't much of a thing such as "white". And American Pride day is probably July 4th.
posted by I-baLL at 12:06 PM on August 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
There are German Pride, Italian Pride, Irish Pride events, etc.
During that same period I saw those sorts of pride in ethnic heritage as innately phony since the people who participated in them appeared to be Irish or what have you on only the day of the Irish festival and had no other cultural traditions that they carried on day to day (didn't speak the language, eat the food or listen to the music etc. etc.). My family essentially disavowed their German extraction to "fit in" as did my wife's family with their Cuban roots.
mostly the take away from what I was trying to say is that when I was young I really just wanted some way that I was proud of who I was and in my eyes there wasn't an appropriate way to do it.
posted by Dr. Twist at 12:38 PM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
During that same period I saw those sorts of pride in ethnic heritage as innately phony since the people who participated in them appeared to be Irish or what have you on only the day of the Irish festival and had no other cultural traditions that they carried on day to day (didn't speak the language, eat the food or listen to the music etc. etc.). My family essentially disavowed their German extraction to "fit in" as did my wife's family with their Cuban roots.
mostly the take away from what I was trying to say is that when I was young I really just wanted some way that I was proud of who I was and in my eyes there wasn't an appropriate way to do it.
posted by Dr. Twist at 12:38 PM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
This gets hard for me to process when two actually oppressed groups start trying to override each other's issues. For example, when gay marriage was legalized, I heard a lot of trans people vocalizing their discontent that they still have massive problems to deal with, and gay marriage shouldn't be the LGBTQ community's priority. On one hand, I see that if you are oppressed, you have to take every opportunity you have to step into the spotlight and make yourself heard, or else you will be ignored. On the other hand, it's not about you? I'm not sure. Don't kick birthday cakes, but maybe punch up at them?
It gets even stickier when you realize that although not everyone is oppressed, nearly everyone feels oppressed. Black Lives Matter interrupting Bernie Sanders is something I understand, they need to be heard. But what happens when everyone who feels oppressed decides to jump onto other peoples' stages?
I'm legitimately asking, because I don't know. I'm trying to listen and learn as much as possible, and I have no intention of kicking over anyone's birthday cake, because I'm aware I get 355 days out of the year and today it's not about me.
posted by buriednexttoyou at 2:35 PM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
It gets even stickier when you realize that although not everyone is oppressed, nearly everyone feels oppressed. Black Lives Matter interrupting Bernie Sanders is something I understand, they need to be heard. But what happens when everyone who feels oppressed decides to jump onto other peoples' stages?
I'm legitimately asking, because I don't know. I'm trying to listen and learn as much as possible, and I have no intention of kicking over anyone's birthday cake, because I'm aware I get 355 days out of the year and today it's not about me.
posted by buriednexttoyou at 2:35 PM on August 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Man now I want to pass out laxative cookies to Westboro Baptist protestors.
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 8:32 PM on August 25, 2015
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 8:32 PM on August 25, 2015
Did you lose something when they lifted themselves up?
If Corey Robin's The Reactionary Mind is correct, the grievance at perceived loss of privilege (which can include superior status to another group) is at the core of much of right-of-centre politics, especially in its populist forms.
posted by acb at 2:55 AM on August 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
If Corey Robin's The Reactionary Mind is correct, the grievance at perceived loss of privilege (which can include superior status to another group) is at the core of much of right-of-centre politics, especially in its populist forms.
posted by acb at 2:55 AM on August 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
I've never heard it put so well. Thanks for the article.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:34 AM on August 26, 2015
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:34 AM on August 26, 2015
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posted by Fizz at 7:08 AM on August 25, 2015 [33 favorites]