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August 28, 2015 5:54 AM Subscribe
For the last three days, a Search and Rescue Officer for the US Forest Service has been telling his stories to the NoSleep subreddit. They are by turns unsettling, sad and and just plain creepy ... and what's with the stairs? Read the comments, too.
r/nosleep previously on Metafilter.
Previously on r/AskReddit: HIKERS and BACKPACKERS of Reddit. What is the weirdest or creepiest thing you have found while hiking?
r/nosleep previously on Metafilter.
Previously on r/AskReddit: HIKERS and BACKPACKERS of Reddit. What is the weirdest or creepiest thing you have found while hiking?
Kind of like a Ranger Rick/X Files mashup.
posted by mygoditsbob at 6:02 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by mygoditsbob at 6:02 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am done with /r/nosleep. Fuck that place. Nightmares, nightmares.
posted by SPUTNIK at 6:07 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by SPUTNIK at 6:07 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I could have lived without knowing this subreddit or these stories existed.
eep.
posted by Happy Dave at 6:14 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
eep.
posted by Happy Dave at 6:14 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh, good, I started my day reading about a dead baby. Thanks for that!
posted by bondcliff at 6:17 AM on August 28, 2015
posted by bondcliff at 6:17 AM on August 28, 2015
All those stories with kids, man. True, not true, doesn't matter. I'm going to be antsy until I see my child again tonight.
posted by anastasiav at 6:18 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by anastasiav at 6:18 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Aaaaand there's my morning bout of the mental creepy-crawlies. I have never liked hiking into woods and these stories prove I am right.
posted by Kitteh at 6:23 AM on August 28, 2015
posted by Kitteh at 6:23 AM on August 28, 2015
That top comment in the hikers/backpackers thread has always freaked me out, just imagining if they didn't ever see that woman until they got home and looked at the pictures.
posted by jason_steakums at 6:23 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jason_steakums at 6:23 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've just started in on the first one, and my early armchair diagnosis is "some people get freaked out by the wilderness, especially if they're lost/hungry/exhausted/injured, and hallucinate." Even at something as benign as Boy Scout camp, where you're never really that far from other people, I had what I can only describe as mystical experiences when I was a child. My theory is that your mind will scribble any old thing over the void to cover it up.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:32 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:32 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yeah, these are all totally real. Yep. Yes sirree.
posted by Behemoth at 6:37 AM on August 28, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by Behemoth at 6:37 AM on August 28, 2015 [15 favorites]
As someone who has always, as long as I can remember, been that asshole who wanders off into the woods by herself when she has no business doing so, I can honestly say that reading these made me... no, I'm still gonna be that asshole who wanders off into the woods by herself when she has no business doing so.
I'm just as God made me. Or, y'know, whoever.
And could be how they take me too; hopefully it won't be TOO interesting.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:38 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm just as God made me. Or, y'know, whoever.
And could be how they take me too; hopefully it won't be TOO interesting.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:38 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
My God, it's full of stairs!
posted by thomas j wise at 6:40 AM on August 28, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by thomas j wise at 6:40 AM on August 28, 2015 [16 favorites]
I'd also submit that sleep deprivation does super-weird things to your perception. When I was in the Territorial Army on long exercises with 2-3 hours of sleep a night, I had full-on hallucinations while standing guard, like seeing hip-high dwarfish figures rattling the gates of the compound I was guarding, leering at me. That freaked me out a little.
On one memorable occasion during a night route march, our section commander halted, signalled to everyone to get down and turned round to me. He whispered, 'Dave, am I cracking up or is there a fucking lion in that field?'
We all examined it carefully through our rifle scopes and concluded it was a lion. A massive lion, sitting in a field in the West Highlands.
Then we took four more stops and it resolved itself into a large, pale rock. We stopped and got a brew on after that, because we were all so knackered we were in danger of walking off the edge of a cliff if we'd continued.
posted by Happy Dave at 6:40 AM on August 28, 2015 [36 favorites]
On one memorable occasion during a night route march, our section commander halted, signalled to everyone to get down and turned round to me. He whispered, 'Dave, am I cracking up or is there a fucking lion in that field?'
We all examined it carefully through our rifle scopes and concluded it was a lion. A massive lion, sitting in a field in the West Highlands.
Then we took four more stops and it resolved itself into a large, pale rock. We stopped and got a brew on after that, because we were all so knackered we were in danger of walking off the edge of a cliff if we'd continued.
posted by Happy Dave at 6:40 AM on August 28, 2015 [36 favorites]
For some reason this reminds me of the tail end of The Man Who Would Be King, when Dravot's been killed and Carnahan is wandering back through the middle of nowhere seeing weird and unspeakable things in the shadows. Not ghost stories per se, just very, very convincing accounts of what it's like to be out in the woods alone, and scared or traumatized, and have your mind start playing tricks on you. That part of the story always scared the bejeezus out of me.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:40 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:40 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Why did I click that link oh why did I click that link never click that link
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:41 AM on August 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:41 AM on August 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Can anyone verify the stories of the staircases? I'm curious now. The author presents them like common knowledge in the forestry service.
posted by d. z. wang at 6:43 AM on August 28, 2015
posted by d. z. wang at 6:43 AM on August 28, 2015
Interesting. I have also seen figures when I am sleep deprived, and the darkness has its way with the mind.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:43 AM on August 28, 2015
posted by louche mustachio at 6:43 AM on August 28, 2015
Meow. Meow. Meow.
posted by annathea at 6:44 AM on August 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by annathea at 6:44 AM on August 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
Well shit, maybe Lovecraft In Brooklyn was right about paving the earth.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:46 AM on August 28, 2015
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:46 AM on August 28, 2015
I'm going on a solo hiking trip this weekend. 3 days, in the woods, alone. At least I have a cabin and am not camping, but I am very, very sorry I clicked those links.
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:46 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:46 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Humans. So suggestible.
posted by clvrmnky at 6:47 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by clvrmnky at 6:47 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
*dashes off letter to Robert Macfarlane to ask him about stairs in the woods*
posted by Kitteh at 6:48 AM on August 28, 2015
posted by Kitteh at 6:48 AM on August 28, 2015
If you're going out into the woods, especially if you're going alone, a personal emergency beacon might save your life.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:56 AM on August 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:56 AM on August 28, 2015 [6 favorites]
The stairs thing spoils the rest of them by being too-obviously baloney. They were nicely not-overplayed until that one.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 6:57 AM on August 28, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by Sing Or Swim at 6:57 AM on August 28, 2015 [14 favorites]
I hate to break the kayfabe, but for anyone who's not familiar with reddit in general and /r/nosleep in particular - it's the best place on the web to read fictional scary stories told in the first person.
posted by muddgirl at 7:00 AM on August 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by muddgirl at 7:00 AM on August 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
That top comment in the hikers/backpackers thread has always freaked me out, just imagining if they didn't ever see that woman until they got home and looked at the pictures.
I love /r/nosleep and don't really understand the impulse to dwell on the fakeness of the place (the "everything is true here, even if its not" idea is the perfect rule for telling these kind of stories), but that story is on a whole other level.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:03 AM on August 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
I love /r/nosleep and don't really understand the impulse to dwell on the fakeness of the place (the "everything is true here, even if its not" idea is the perfect rule for telling these kind of stories), but that story is on a whole other level.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:03 AM on August 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
The stairs thing spoils the rest of them by being too-obviously baloney. They were nicely not-overplayed until that one.
Yeah. They could've gotten more mileage by just discussing the stairs as the remains of old fire watches, which everyone tells you never to go up, and at first you think it's because they're unstable but later realize there might be another reason...
Otherwise this is better writing than I usually see on /r/nosleep! People there need to learn that a little subtlety goes a long way. It was a great choice to intersperse some real stories of people getting lost or injured (or chased by a moose!) in the woods with the ones about the scary monster dude who just wants to be a kitty. meow meow meow
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:03 AM on August 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
Yeah. They could've gotten more mileage by just discussing the stairs as the remains of old fire watches, which everyone tells you never to go up, and at first you think it's because they're unstable but later realize there might be another reason...
Otherwise this is better writing than I usually see on /r/nosleep! People there need to learn that a little subtlety goes a long way. It was a great choice to intersperse some real stories of people getting lost or injured (or chased by a moose!) in the woods with the ones about the scary monster dude who just wants to be a kitty. meow meow meow
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:03 AM on August 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
All these stories have the same sort of construction to them that reminds me of, oh, every urban myth I've ever heard.
The set-up, the assertions that such and such could not possibly be an explanation, the "another day, another dollar" tone, the assertion something can't be possible in the face of (we are told) solid, unimpeachable, contradictory evidence.
I like that it this is tempered with old fashioned area 51 conspiracy theory language about not talking about the stairs.
Man, people love to tell stories. It's like, our thing.
For the record, I used to be a pretty common outdoorsman in Canada's North. Never saw or heard of anyone seeing stairs. Must be a local or US parks service thing.
I did /feel/ sasquatch following me once, but even the dog knew something was weird that time. TRUE STORY.
posted by clvrmnky at 7:05 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
The set-up, the assertions that such and such could not possibly be an explanation, the "another day, another dollar" tone, the assertion something can't be possible in the face of (we are told) solid, unimpeachable, contradictory evidence.
I like that it this is tempered with old fashioned area 51 conspiracy theory language about not talking about the stairs.
Man, people love to tell stories. It's like, our thing.
For the record, I used to be a pretty common outdoorsman in Canada's North. Never saw or heard of anyone seeing stairs. Must be a local or US parks service thing.
I did /feel/ sasquatch following me once, but even the dog knew something was weird that time. TRUE STORY.
posted by clvrmnky at 7:05 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
The male shape emitting a mountain lion scream and taking too-long strides is terrifically creepy.
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:05 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:05 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I love how all of these are stories that could of totally of happened. My great-grandmother once fell and broke her hip, and we didn't find her until two-days later. When we were waiting for the ambulance she kept telling us stories of all these men who had broken in and replaced all of her appliances with fakes - I was like 11 or 12 at the time and I believed her and started freaking out that none of the adults in the room really cared. Then my grandmother explained to me that my grandma was just hallucinating and it made a lot more sense.
These all remind me of this. I also really liked the one about the woman who thought someone was following them. It's funny how suggested and freaked out we can get even when we know things aren't real.
posted by mayonnaises at 7:05 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
These all remind me of this. I also really liked the one about the woman who thought someone was following them. It's funny how suggested and freaked out we can get even when we know things aren't real.
posted by mayonnaises at 7:05 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Otherwise this is better writing than I usually see on /r/nosleep!
/r/nosleep has a really high amount of noise, but the signal is amazing.
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:06 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
/r/nosleep has a really high amount of noise, but the signal is amazing.
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:06 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I love /r/nosleep and don't really understand the impulse to dwell on the fakeness of the place
Personally, dwelling on the fictional aspect is the only way I can get to sleep at night after reading Top posts from the past month.
posted by muddgirl at 7:09 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Personally, dwelling on the fictional aspect is the only way I can get to sleep at night after reading Top posts from the past month.
posted by muddgirl at 7:09 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
/r/nosleep has a really high amount of noise, but the signal is amazing.
absolutely. it's one of my favorite creative writing subreddits because when it works, even if the craftsmanship is obvious and you can totally tell why it works, that doesn't stop it from scaring the bajesus outta you. a well-told ghost story is a thing of beauty
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:11 AM on August 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
absolutely. it's one of my favorite creative writing subreddits because when it works, even if the craftsmanship is obvious and you can totally tell why it works, that doesn't stop it from scaring the bajesus outta you. a well-told ghost story is a thing of beauty
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:11 AM on August 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
Eh, I'm inclined to believe that wild and remote places are inexplicable in their own fashion. Such isolation can be unsettling and the human mind loves to scare itself. I like believing that there are weird unexplained bits of the world; it makes everything so much more fascinating.
posted by Kitteh at 7:12 AM on August 28, 2015
posted by Kitteh at 7:12 AM on August 28, 2015
They read like the stories paramedics and cops like to tell outsiders and newbies, starting with first-person accounts of broken legs they've had to treat and ending with the story of the guy sliced in half by a pane of glass.
posted by ardgedee at 7:13 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by ardgedee at 7:13 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
So glad there is a search and rescue guy out there who is prone to just absolutely making up shit all the time.
posted by cellphone at 7:19 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by cellphone at 7:19 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Pretty damn good; am quite creeped out even sitting here in a sunny metropolis. The references to South Park and to the stairs being 'like a video game glitch' don't fit with the character though.
posted by StephenF at 7:21 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by StephenF at 7:21 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
So basically the commenters on this thread can be divided between those who are really fun around a campfire and those who are no fun at all around a campfire.
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:21 AM on August 28, 2015 [44 favorites]
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:21 AM on August 28, 2015 [44 favorites]
Americans seem to do a better class of creepy campfire story. Here in Scotland the one we all told each other at school camp was called 'Trevor the Phantom Puttypicker'.
Not making that up. It is pretty creepy when you're nine though.
posted by Happy Dave at 7:25 AM on August 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
Not making that up. It is pretty creepy when you're nine though.
posted by Happy Dave at 7:25 AM on August 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
I don't see what's party-pooping about acknowledging a well-crafted spine-tingler. I don't have to pretend something is true to be freaked out by it.
posted by muddgirl at 7:25 AM on August 28, 2015
posted by muddgirl at 7:25 AM on August 28, 2015
Does anyone else find reddit text blocks neigh unreadable due to lack of formatting?
posted by Ferreous at 7:28 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Ferreous at 7:28 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm so glad someone gets my clever title, Bwithh. House of Leaves is one of my favourite novels (and I both do and don't recommend reading it at midnight, in the dark, uninsulated attic of an otherwise empty 18th-century house).
I'm not sure the stairs in these stories are necessarily a reference to the book, but it was certainly the first thing that sprung to my mind.
I think at least some of these stories are true -- maybe not all of them. I also wanted to point up this comment in the third link as a strong contender for scariest one of all.
posted by daisyk at 7:28 AM on August 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm not sure the stairs in these stories are necessarily a reference to the book, but it was certainly the first thing that sprung to my mind.
I think at least some of these stories are true -- maybe not all of them. I also wanted to point up this comment in the third link as a strong contender for scariest one of all.
posted by daisyk at 7:28 AM on August 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Oh, I'd totally buy the idea of a human predator creating a familiar comfortable setting in a remote area to lure people. I'd be very tempted to sit on those inexplicable stairs or as in that Reddit comment you linked, a decent chair and table after a long sweaty tiring hike too.
posted by Kitteh at 7:31 AM on August 28, 2015
posted by Kitteh at 7:31 AM on August 28, 2015
Does anyone else find reddit text blocks neigh unreadable due to lack of formatting?
That's just this dude, who's not using any text formatting and not breaking into paragraphs.
Oh, I'd totally buy the idea of a human predator creating a familiar comfortable setting in a remote area to lure people.
What about an inhuman predator that doesn't quite understand humans and thinks a flight of stairs which obviously don't belong and which are mysteriously pristine will be comforting and inviting?
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:35 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
That's just this dude, who's not using any text formatting and not breaking into paragraphs.
Oh, I'd totally buy the idea of a human predator creating a familiar comfortable setting in a remote area to lure people.
What about an inhuman predator that doesn't quite understand humans and thinks a flight of stairs which obviously don't belong and which are mysteriously pristine will be comforting and inviting?
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:35 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Just another day working in Are You Afraid Of The Dark? National Forest.
posted by dr_dank at 7:35 AM on August 28, 2015 [23 favorites]
posted by dr_dank at 7:35 AM on August 28, 2015 [23 favorites]
What about an inhuman predator that doesn't quite understand humans and thinks a flight of stairs which obviously don't belong and which are mysteriously pristine will be comforting and inviting?
Well, first I'd wonder how the inhuman predator has even seen a set of stairs to replicate them, much less a variety of different stair styles.
Guys, what if Bigfoot/Sasquatch is a secret carpenter and just flat out gets his feelings hurt as he watches humans flee from all the hard work he has done? Just a sad ole Sasquatch watching from nearby, his craftsmanship shunned again.
posted by Kitteh at 7:45 AM on August 28, 2015 [17 favorites]
Well, first I'd wonder how the inhuman predator has even seen a set of stairs to replicate them, much less a variety of different stair styles.
Guys, what if Bigfoot/Sasquatch is a secret carpenter and just flat out gets his feelings hurt as he watches humans flee from all the hard work he has done? Just a sad ole Sasquatch watching from nearby, his craftsmanship shunned again.
posted by Kitteh at 7:45 AM on August 28, 2015 [17 favorites]
Metafilter: am I cracking up or is there a fucking lion in that field?
posted by I-baLL at 7:45 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by I-baLL at 7:45 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh these are great. I've been looking for some scary stories for an October event I'm doing; I think some of these ideas could work for it.
posted by emjaybee at 7:52 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by emjaybee at 7:52 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Worked for 5 years for the US Forest Service in northern Idaho. Idaho has some of the deepest, most remote wilderness in the lower 48. Never saw, or heard of any staircases in the woods. The forest service did not have S&R people. That was handled by the Sheriff and state police AFAIK.
Fire lookouts are made of wood and supported by four cables, one on each corner. The structure is jointed and the cables have slack so the tower flexes in the wind. Remove one of the cables and the entire structure, including the stairs completely collapses.
The only other structures I've seen are old miner and trapper cabins.
Great campfire stories though.
posted by ThreeCatsBob at 7:55 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Fire lookouts are made of wood and supported by four cables, one on each corner. The structure is jointed and the cables have slack so the tower flexes in the wind. Remove one of the cables and the entire structure, including the stairs completely collapses.
The only other structures I've seen are old miner and trapper cabins.
Great campfire stories though.
posted by ThreeCatsBob at 7:55 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Kitteh: Oh, I'd totally buy the idea of a human predator creating a familiar comfortable setting in a remote area to lure people. I'd be very tempted to sit on those inexplicable stairs or as in that Reddit comment you linked, a decent chair and table after a long sweaty tiring hike too.
What kind of chair? I automatically thought of a plush chair, which sounds comfortable at first, but then I realize is a terrible idea when taken out of the safety of a space where people live. Even a wicker chair in the wild is suspicious to me. Where a stuffed chair would be home to mold and creatures, the wicker chair may well be structurally unsound, inviting you to collapse on the ground and get poked with the fractured fragments of the chair. Similarly, I would eye any set of mysterious stairs with suspicion. ಠ~ಠ
As for seeing things when sleep deprived, that really is a thing. I was driving six hours back home after a weekend music festival that ended at 10 PM or midnight. I should have pulled over an hour earlier and switched drivers, but everyone was asleep, and I didn't have class until later that day, so I thought I'd take one for the team and do it all. But 30 minutes away from our destination, my body was trying really hard to tell me "YOU NEED SLEEP NOW." I fought it, but realized I had pushed myself too far when I momentarily thought a big semi trailer ahead of me was a tunnel. "No, I thought, that can't be right. There are no tunnels on this part of the drive, that's a truck."
Luckily, we all made it home safely, and I mark that off as another stupid thing I will never do again.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:01 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
What kind of chair? I automatically thought of a plush chair, which sounds comfortable at first, but then I realize is a terrible idea when taken out of the safety of a space where people live. Even a wicker chair in the wild is suspicious to me. Where a stuffed chair would be home to mold and creatures, the wicker chair may well be structurally unsound, inviting you to collapse on the ground and get poked with the fractured fragments of the chair. Similarly, I would eye any set of mysterious stairs with suspicion. ಠ~ಠ
As for seeing things when sleep deprived, that really is a thing. I was driving six hours back home after a weekend music festival that ended at 10 PM or midnight. I should have pulled over an hour earlier and switched drivers, but everyone was asleep, and I didn't have class until later that day, so I thought I'd take one for the team and do it all. But 30 minutes away from our destination, my body was trying really hard to tell me "YOU NEED SLEEP NOW." I fought it, but realized I had pushed myself too far when I momentarily thought a big semi trailer ahead of me was a tunnel. "No, I thought, that can't be right. There are no tunnels on this part of the drive, that's a truck."
Luckily, we all made it home safely, and I mark that off as another stupid thing I will never do again.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:01 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
The scariest thing that ever happened to me? A friend and I were hiking up a trail after a rain so that tracks were easily left. We reached a certain point, we stopped for a few minutes, then started to head back. About 100 yards down the trail, there were fresh mountain lion tracks on top of ours.
posted by ThreeCatsBob at 8:02 AM on August 28, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by ThreeCatsBob at 8:02 AM on August 28, 2015 [15 favorites]
The story in the third link about the missing girl and the sudden loud roar reminds me of YellowBrickRoad.
posted by doctornecessiter at 8:04 AM on August 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by doctornecessiter at 8:04 AM on August 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Here is my campfire story that a small number of mefites can attest to the accuracy of, having seen the physical evidence it left behind. This is the story of how I got my scrotum pierced.
When I was in High School I went on an Outward Bound adventure thing in Western North Carolina near Grandfather mountain where I did just under a hundred miles of hiking, something like 10 miles of whitewater canoeing and a whole bunch of rock climbing and bouldering over the course of a month. This whole trip was really a bad idea for me as I had massively ingrown toenails on both sides of both big toes that desperately needed surgery, and the concept of hiking 100 miles on my toes through the mountains should have filled me with thoughts of the horrors to come, but I was young and stupid. My toenails dug deep into my toes, and it was bad enough that it was already turning me bowlegged, giving me scoliosis that persists to this day. At the beginning, the pain in my feet was pretty comparable to the pain of city slicker legs learning to carry more than half of one's body weight's worth of all the supplies one would need for a week at a time of hiking up the hills of deep Appalachia. However, it quickly got worse. I also knew that I had surgery scheduled for only a few weeks after I got back and, if I wanted relief, I'd have to take good care of my toes. I did everything I could think of to lessen the impact, from stuffing toilet paper under the nails to trying to walk on my heels, nothing really worked. Life was terrible.
It got bad enough that when we went whitewater canoeing near the end, and had bootie things to keep our feet warm with water that would leak in, my feet got really badly infected with what I now to to have been Pseudomonas, or at least something that smells like it. Each of my four big toe cuticles swelled up the the size of a half a shelled peanut and turned a delightful shade of green, and even more disconcertingly they didn't hurt as much. We were pretty solidly in the middle of nowhere on the river by this point and there wasn't really a viable way out for medical attention so we lanced the sores with a sowing needle and rubbed alcohol and then all the antibiotic creams we had into the wounds to, ideally, kill it with fire. Thankfully the antibiotics worked but, less thankfully the pain returned, and somehow it was even worse. My toes were a wreck, they were inflamed all over, there were decent sized abscesses about the size of the other half of that shelled peanut where the infections had been, and the nails were still ingrown and digging. When we finished the canoeing, there was only one last trip and not really anything more that could be done for my toes medically, so I went.
At one point we ended up spending an entire morning going uphill and steeply, with tools to clear invasive Himalayan blackberries from ecologically precious more remote areas in addition to our full packs. On the first day, we ended up spending an entire morning going uphill and steeply. Everyone was complaining and wanting rests and guzzling precious water, but I was having none of it. Indeed, with such a marvelous abundance, I realized that this uphill thing was AMAZING. While hiking up, all of the pressure was on my heels and, importantly, not my toes. I was having fun and energetic, practically sprinting up, even while everyone else was languishing. It was so great that by the time we crested a hill and started going down for a ways I was devastated, all of the pressure now was on my toes, life was terrible again, and somehow yet worse. I tried everything I had already tried before; walking backwards, walking on my heels again, walking sideways, but noting worked. That is until I got an idea.
I was still full of this energy that mystified my companions, and I went up to one of the instructors to ask about my idea. I was thinking that I could sprint down to the next campsite so that all the pressure would be on my heels again while I sprinted. I even had the gear for the next meal, which I could get started early for everyone. They had their reservations but somehow I managed to almost talk them into it, we were only going to hike another two miles or so anyway. So the moment I got this most hedged and uncertain affirmative response possible, I bounded off at top speed. IT WAS AWESOME AGAIN, at least while I was still accelerating, as I hadn't really thought through the physics of what I was trying to do. You see, the moment that I got up to speed, everything was the same again only now I was going crazy fast, the poundings on my toes were harder, and I really didn't want to try to stop with a bit more than half my body weight propelling me down this mountain. To my credit, I apparently managed to make it at least a mile and a half in this fashion, and remarkably fast. That is until I hit a sharp bend in the trail that I didn't see until the last moment and a root I didn't see at all. I tripped over that root hard and fast, and right over the edge of the trail, which was also a dusty cliff that went about three hundred feet down to a ravine. I somehow managed to land on my pack to slide down this cliff with a nominal and then increasing amount of control, the first thing I did was to drop the tools and spread my legs to sort of kick my way down as I slid past bushes and small trees, getting completely covered in scratches and dust. When I finally came to a stop I was about 75 vertical feet down from the trail, but largely intact. So I dusted myself off, checked myself out figuring myself almost implausibly intact, and started my way back up the cliff. I first walked up to where the tools were and then, using the climbing skill I had learned, hauled myself up to the trail using the various bushes growing into the cliff. It must have taken me a good half hour to get back to near the top, and the whole time I had this overwhelming sense of something being terribly wrong, but I just figured there was nothing else to do but get myself back onto the trail. Once I got to just below the trail, I tossed up the tools, and took off my pack to use it to hook onto some of the roots I had just tripped on to make it a bit easier. Then, as I hauled myself up, I noticed a really startled rescue party of three of the more fit students in the group who had been sent ahead to make sure I was alright after the instructors reconsidered the wisdom of letting me sprint off.
They looked down the cliff at the path of devastation I had carved into it and decided it was the most badass and stupid thing they had ever seen. They got me some water and were dusting me off when I noticed this sharp pain and a return of that overwhelming sense of impending doom. I again didn't really think much of it at first, like it must just be noise in my anxious system or something, but then it came back and harder and was definitely coming from my scrotum. I could feel the blood drain from my face before I looked down at what I then realized was a twig going through my pants in one end, and out the other. It was also clearly sharp and wet with something like lymph. Frozen with terror, I screamed a distinctly unmanly scream when one of my friends bumped the stick as he was brushing me off, and we all slowly realized the terrible thing that had happened while I was sliding down the cliff. I then borrowed a sharp knife from the guy who had all the sharpest knives and went a mostly ceremonial distance out into the woods. I broke the twig at both ends to free it from my pants so I could get a better idea of the injury, and then there it was, going straight through my scrotum, thankfully right between the testicles. I was relived, but still terrified, I was fifteen and had big plans for them. I can remember repeating to myself over and over again that this is just like a fishhook, this is just like a fishhook, this is just like a fishhook - thinking that with the barbs on the twig I'd want it to only go in the direction it went in. I used the knife to cut the twig a third time, right behind my scrotum, so that I could pull the twig all the way through, like how you're supposed to do with fishhooks. The only thing left to do with it then was to pack it with gauze and a slurry of all the antibiotics available, let it air dry a bunch regularly, and hope for the best.
I walked like John Wayne for the rest of the journey.
posted by Blasdelb at 8:07 AM on August 28, 2015 [38 favorites]
When I was in High School I went on an Outward Bound adventure thing in Western North Carolina near Grandfather mountain where I did just under a hundred miles of hiking, something like 10 miles of whitewater canoeing and a whole bunch of rock climbing and bouldering over the course of a month. This whole trip was really a bad idea for me as I had massively ingrown toenails on both sides of both big toes that desperately needed surgery, and the concept of hiking 100 miles on my toes through the mountains should have filled me with thoughts of the horrors to come, but I was young and stupid. My toenails dug deep into my toes, and it was bad enough that it was already turning me bowlegged, giving me scoliosis that persists to this day. At the beginning, the pain in my feet was pretty comparable to the pain of city slicker legs learning to carry more than half of one's body weight's worth of all the supplies one would need for a week at a time of hiking up the hills of deep Appalachia. However, it quickly got worse. I also knew that I had surgery scheduled for only a few weeks after I got back and, if I wanted relief, I'd have to take good care of my toes. I did everything I could think of to lessen the impact, from stuffing toilet paper under the nails to trying to walk on my heels, nothing really worked. Life was terrible.
It got bad enough that when we went whitewater canoeing near the end, and had bootie things to keep our feet warm with water that would leak in, my feet got really badly infected with what I now to to have been Pseudomonas, or at least something that smells like it. Each of my four big toe cuticles swelled up the the size of a half a shelled peanut and turned a delightful shade of green, and even more disconcertingly they didn't hurt as much. We were pretty solidly in the middle of nowhere on the river by this point and there wasn't really a viable way out for medical attention so we lanced the sores with a sowing needle and rubbed alcohol and then all the antibiotic creams we had into the wounds to, ideally, kill it with fire. Thankfully the antibiotics worked but, less thankfully the pain returned, and somehow it was even worse. My toes were a wreck, they were inflamed all over, there were decent sized abscesses about the size of the other half of that shelled peanut where the infections had been, and the nails were still ingrown and digging. When we finished the canoeing, there was only one last trip and not really anything more that could be done for my toes medically, so I went.
At one point we ended up spending an entire morning going uphill and steeply, with tools to clear invasive Himalayan blackberries from ecologically precious more remote areas in addition to our full packs. On the first day, we ended up spending an entire morning going uphill and steeply. Everyone was complaining and wanting rests and guzzling precious water, but I was having none of it. Indeed, with such a marvelous abundance, I realized that this uphill thing was AMAZING. While hiking up, all of the pressure was on my heels and, importantly, not my toes. I was having fun and energetic, practically sprinting up, even while everyone else was languishing. It was so great that by the time we crested a hill and started going down for a ways I was devastated, all of the pressure now was on my toes, life was terrible again, and somehow yet worse. I tried everything I had already tried before; walking backwards, walking on my heels again, walking sideways, but noting worked. That is until I got an idea.
I was still full of this energy that mystified my companions, and I went up to one of the instructors to ask about my idea. I was thinking that I could sprint down to the next campsite so that all the pressure would be on my heels again while I sprinted. I even had the gear for the next meal, which I could get started early for everyone. They had their reservations but somehow I managed to almost talk them into it, we were only going to hike another two miles or so anyway. So the moment I got this most hedged and uncertain affirmative response possible, I bounded off at top speed. IT WAS AWESOME AGAIN, at least while I was still accelerating, as I hadn't really thought through the physics of what I was trying to do. You see, the moment that I got up to speed, everything was the same again only now I was going crazy fast, the poundings on my toes were harder, and I really didn't want to try to stop with a bit more than half my body weight propelling me down this mountain. To my credit, I apparently managed to make it at least a mile and a half in this fashion, and remarkably fast. That is until I hit a sharp bend in the trail that I didn't see until the last moment and a root I didn't see at all. I tripped over that root hard and fast, and right over the edge of the trail, which was also a dusty cliff that went about three hundred feet down to a ravine. I somehow managed to land on my pack to slide down this cliff with a nominal and then increasing amount of control, the first thing I did was to drop the tools and spread my legs to sort of kick my way down as I slid past bushes and small trees, getting completely covered in scratches and dust. When I finally came to a stop I was about 75 vertical feet down from the trail, but largely intact. So I dusted myself off, checked myself out figuring myself almost implausibly intact, and started my way back up the cliff. I first walked up to where the tools were and then, using the climbing skill I had learned, hauled myself up to the trail using the various bushes growing into the cliff. It must have taken me a good half hour to get back to near the top, and the whole time I had this overwhelming sense of something being terribly wrong, but I just figured there was nothing else to do but get myself back onto the trail. Once I got to just below the trail, I tossed up the tools, and took off my pack to use it to hook onto some of the roots I had just tripped on to make it a bit easier. Then, as I hauled myself up, I noticed a really startled rescue party of three of the more fit students in the group who had been sent ahead to make sure I was alright after the instructors reconsidered the wisdom of letting me sprint off.
They looked down the cliff at the path of devastation I had carved into it and decided it was the most badass and stupid thing they had ever seen. They got me some water and were dusting me off when I noticed this sharp pain and a return of that overwhelming sense of impending doom. I again didn't really think much of it at first, like it must just be noise in my anxious system or something, but then it came back and harder and was definitely coming from my scrotum. I could feel the blood drain from my face before I looked down at what I then realized was a twig going through my pants in one end, and out the other. It was also clearly sharp and wet with something like lymph. Frozen with terror, I screamed a distinctly unmanly scream when one of my friends bumped the stick as he was brushing me off, and we all slowly realized the terrible thing that had happened while I was sliding down the cliff. I then borrowed a sharp knife from the guy who had all the sharpest knives and went a mostly ceremonial distance out into the woods. I broke the twig at both ends to free it from my pants so I could get a better idea of the injury, and then there it was, going straight through my scrotum, thankfully right between the testicles. I was relived, but still terrified, I was fifteen and had big plans for them. I can remember repeating to myself over and over again that this is just like a fishhook, this is just like a fishhook, this is just like a fishhook - thinking that with the barbs on the twig I'd want it to only go in the direction it went in. I used the knife to cut the twig a third time, right behind my scrotum, so that I could pull the twig all the way through, like how you're supposed to do with fishhooks. The only thing left to do with it then was to pack it with gauze and a slurry of all the antibiotics available, let it air dry a bunch regularly, and hope for the best.
I walked like John Wayne for the rest of the journey.
posted by Blasdelb at 8:07 AM on August 28, 2015 [38 favorites]
Yay NoSleep! My favorite bedtime activity besides watching doctored ghost and alien videos because I'm stupid.
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posted by charred husk at 8:07 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by charred husk at 8:07 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
As for seeing things when sleep deprived, that really is a thing.
I've had that experience while driving too sleep deprived too, shadows that looked like things, headlights behaving in ways they shouldn't, and sometimes I think it's too bad because I kind of like the subtle reality warping, but it's obviously unsafe to drive like that, and I wish there was a way to bring on the sensation quickly in a safe environment, and every single time I'm halfway down this thought path before I realize that I'm just describing taking drugs.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:08 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've had that experience while driving too sleep deprived too, shadows that looked like things, headlights behaving in ways they shouldn't, and sometimes I think it's too bad because I kind of like the subtle reality warping, but it's obviously unsafe to drive like that, and I wish there was a way to bring on the sensation quickly in a safe environment, and every single time I'm halfway down this thought path before I realize that I'm just describing taking drugs.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:08 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
The hikers/backpackers thread linked is much scarier that the /nosleep stuff because it's mostly real things that have happened. No malarky about staircases. More like "I think we stumbled on a meth camp" or "why was that guy watching us set up camp like a creeper?"
posted by Windigo at 8:18 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Windigo at 8:18 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Now, as most of you know, when a mountain lion screams, it sounds almost exactly like a woman being brutally murdered.
Being an east coaster, I chuckled at this, and then I went and listened to some mountain lion screams and damn. That is a creepy noise.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:18 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Being an east coaster, I chuckled at this, and then I went and listened to some mountain lion screams and damn. That is a creepy noise.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:18 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also during this trip there were two days set aside for the whole group of like thirty kids to split up and make camp on our own individual half acre plots, alone. The idea was that we'd have 48 hours without any human interaction with which to find ourselves and have a meaningful experience of some kind. They took all of our knives and matches, safety first, and gave us each a notepad and pen with which to record the experience as well as a pathetic amount of trail mix with which to sustain ourselves. The guy with the sharp knife had A LOT of knives. It actually seemed kinda cool, that is, until I realized that the instructors kept the entrenching tool and toilet paper we used to poop. The experience quickly morphed from being simultaneously boring and interesting to absolute torture as my bowels swelled and swelled. I could feel the poop, both watery and hard at the same time, gurgling in my bowels and producing gas that I had no choice but to expel with the greatest possible care. I lasted about 30 hours in this fashion, before I realized that there was no hope, either I would figure something out or I would shit my pants.
At this point I desperately wished that I hadn't bet on waiting it out and gotten a stick to make a cathole with before I managed to largely incapacitate myself with shit, but I knew these were the life choices I had to live with. There was this stream running right through the middle of my plot, and I knew that it was bad form at best to shit near a stream. By this point however, I was committed to shitting where I was in the state I was then in, there was no other option. I probably couldn't have made it to the main camp with the entrenching tool away from the steam if I had wanted to. I had burned my ship out with my negligence, the only way out now was to dig and hope for the best.
I quickly selected a spot that was on a slight hill above the stream, though still within view, which I figured would at least buy my down-steam companions some time before the shit went downhill. It was also conveniently right next to a lambs ear bush that had been taunting me the whole time with its luscious billowy softness and, if you have never had the chance, wiping your ass with lambs ear is a heavenly experience worthy only of the Gods. So with a poorly suitable digging stick I set to work, awkwardly balanced so as to use my sphincter from different angles to hopefully keep it strong enough until I completed my task. Thankfully, I ended up with a roughly appropriate hole, pulled down my pants, and did my business. There was a lot of poop in there and it was taking a couple of minutes to navigate the entire load around my colon and out, but I spent that time openly weeping with relief. It was glorious, and I was looking forward to that lambs ear for a shit I could tell my grandkids about, but then everything changed. I heard this sound.
Maybe it was my particularly vulnerable state, being mid shit, but the Youtube video does not do the terror it inspires anywhere near justice. Mid-shit, I started to frantically look around for the bird that caused it, but all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this massive seeming black bird crashed out of the sky into the stream where it promptly began to drown and bleed out simultaneously. I shat the last big chunk right as the bird died and floated motionless in the stream. That was also when I noticed the Peregrine falcon on a nearby tree branch eyeing its kill, as if it were admiring its handiwork, and then eyeing me with a kind of indescribable WTF stare. I wish that I could say that I saw something meaningful in that stare, but I was just dumbstruck by the absurdity of my own existence. It looked at its kill again, must have decided it didn't want wet food I guess, and flew off, leaving me still squatting over my the last few days of food in front of a dead bird in the stream. I was a teenager who had just taken me 30 hours to decide to poop, I was not ready for this.
In the end, I wiped myself with the lambs ear, covered my hole with some exrta dirt then some rock and more dirt, and walked up to the poor bird. It turns out that it was a Pileated Woodpecker, ala Woody the Woodpecker, the poor critter had a huge gash in it from the pot of the wing to down and across the neck almost decapitating it. I decided that no one would believe me if no one saw the body, so I dug it a grave away from the cathole, much easier without a colon full of shit, but only buried it after the instructors came by to pick us up.
posted by Blasdelb at 8:19 AM on August 28, 2015 [21 favorites]
At this point I desperately wished that I hadn't bet on waiting it out and gotten a stick to make a cathole with before I managed to largely incapacitate myself with shit, but I knew these were the life choices I had to live with. There was this stream running right through the middle of my plot, and I knew that it was bad form at best to shit near a stream. By this point however, I was committed to shitting where I was in the state I was then in, there was no other option. I probably couldn't have made it to the main camp with the entrenching tool away from the steam if I had wanted to. I had burned my ship out with my negligence, the only way out now was to dig and hope for the best.
I quickly selected a spot that was on a slight hill above the stream, though still within view, which I figured would at least buy my down-steam companions some time before the shit went downhill. It was also conveniently right next to a lambs ear bush that had been taunting me the whole time with its luscious billowy softness and, if you have never had the chance, wiping your ass with lambs ear is a heavenly experience worthy only of the Gods. So with a poorly suitable digging stick I set to work, awkwardly balanced so as to use my sphincter from different angles to hopefully keep it strong enough until I completed my task. Thankfully, I ended up with a roughly appropriate hole, pulled down my pants, and did my business. There was a lot of poop in there and it was taking a couple of minutes to navigate the entire load around my colon and out, but I spent that time openly weeping with relief. It was glorious, and I was looking forward to that lambs ear for a shit I could tell my grandkids about, but then everything changed. I heard this sound.
Maybe it was my particularly vulnerable state, being mid shit, but the Youtube video does not do the terror it inspires anywhere near justice. Mid-shit, I started to frantically look around for the bird that caused it, but all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this massive seeming black bird crashed out of the sky into the stream where it promptly began to drown and bleed out simultaneously. I shat the last big chunk right as the bird died and floated motionless in the stream. That was also when I noticed the Peregrine falcon on a nearby tree branch eyeing its kill, as if it were admiring its handiwork, and then eyeing me with a kind of indescribable WTF stare. I wish that I could say that I saw something meaningful in that stare, but I was just dumbstruck by the absurdity of my own existence. It looked at its kill again, must have decided it didn't want wet food I guess, and flew off, leaving me still squatting over my the last few days of food in front of a dead bird in the stream. I was a teenager who had just taken me 30 hours to decide to poop, I was not ready for this.
In the end, I wiped myself with the lambs ear, covered my hole with some exrta dirt then some rock and more dirt, and walked up to the poor bird. It turns out that it was a Pileated Woodpecker, ala Woody the Woodpecker, the poor critter had a huge gash in it from the pot of the wing to down and across the neck almost decapitating it. I decided that no one would believe me if no one saw the body, so I dug it a grave away from the cathole, much easier without a colon full of shit, but only buried it after the instructors came by to pick us up.
posted by Blasdelb at 8:19 AM on August 28, 2015 [21 favorites]
My dad has an campfire tale that I probably can't do justice to. It involves a cabin-camping trip with his two brothers. A big storm rolled in with rain and wind. In the middle of the night, my dad remembers my uncle "Gene" getting up and going outside to take a leak. A bit later, my dad hears a loud thumping at the door of the cabin, like Gene was locked out in the rain and desperate to come back in. My dad sits up and hollers, "For chrissakes, Gene, it's not locked!" At that, both his brothers also sit up - Gene, it turns out, had been fast asleep in his sleeping bag. My dad was smart enough not to get up and check who was at the door.
...or maybe, as my dad always ended this story, it was Gene knocking on the door, and something else was in Gene's sleeping bag...
posted by muddgirl at 8:27 AM on August 28, 2015 [15 favorites]
...or maybe, as my dad always ended this story, it was Gene knocking on the door, and something else was in Gene's sleeping bag...
posted by muddgirl at 8:27 AM on August 28, 2015 [15 favorites]
Spoiler: the operator traced the call; it was coming from inside Blasdelb 's scrotum!
posted by dr_dank at 8:37 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by dr_dank at 8:37 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Now, as most of you know, when a mountain lion screams, it sounds almost exactly like a woman being brutally murdered.Same with foxes, particularly vixens. There've been times when I was close to getting out of bed to call the police.
Being an east coaster, I chuckled at this, and then I went and listened to some mountain lion screams and damn. That is a creepy noise.
posted by Acey at 8:57 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Same with foxes, particularly vixens. There've been times when I was close to getting out of bed to call the police.
Oh good! Now my new found nightmares will have some variety. How nice.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:06 AM on August 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
Oh good! Now my new found nightmares will have some variety. How nice.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:06 AM on August 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
When I was in the Territorial Army on long exercises with 2-3 hours of sleep a night...
Midnight training patrol, third or fourth night. I'm on point. We come to a field, and I call up my PL because there are hockey players out on the field.
"What do you want me to do?"
"Whaddaya mean? You wait 'till the end of the fuckin' period and cross the fuckin' ice!"
"Right. Oh, okay, they're gone. Let's go."
(We didn't even think to cover the Zamboni. Sleep deprivation makes you dumb.)
There was, of course, no ice. This was Southern California in April.
Later in that same exercise, we were sitting around waiting for the PL to get the next mission. Suddenly, everything around me gets really bright. I look around and can't see where the light is coming from. Therefore, I reason, it must be coming from me. But that only makes sense if I am the Messiah. Oh, wait, PL's coming back. I'll tell him that I'm the Messiah later.
Yes, it was the moon coming out from behind the clouds. I know that now.
posted by Etrigan at 9:09 AM on August 28, 2015 [10 favorites]
Midnight training patrol, third or fourth night. I'm on point. We come to a field, and I call up my PL because there are hockey players out on the field.
"What do you want me to do?"
"Whaddaya mean? You wait 'till the end of the fuckin' period and cross the fuckin' ice!"
"Right. Oh, okay, they're gone. Let's go."
(We didn't even think to cover the Zamboni. Sleep deprivation makes you dumb.)
There was, of course, no ice. This was Southern California in April.
Later in that same exercise, we were sitting around waiting for the PL to get the next mission. Suddenly, everything around me gets really bright. I look around and can't see where the light is coming from. Therefore, I reason, it must be coming from me. But that only makes sense if I am the Messiah. Oh, wait, PL's coming back. I'll tell him that I'm the Messiah later.
Yes, it was the moon coming out from behind the clouds. I know that now.
posted by Etrigan at 9:09 AM on August 28, 2015 [10 favorites]
The impression that I get from hanging around with self-described skeptics is that the ones who are the most relentlessly "HURF DURF INVISIBLE SKY WIZARD" about other people's beliefs are also the ones who don't spend a whole lot of time camping, because while spending one's nights in the dark woods won't necessarily make one believe crazy shit, it will give one a very empathy-producing understanding of why people believe crazy shit. When my brain is getting a lot of sensory input from unidentifiable sources, some of the ways that it fills in the gaps in its knowledge are really incredible and terrifying.
It is true that sleepy brain is the wackiest brain. I am prone to hallucinations when sleep issues are involved, and they tend to fall along traditional supernatural themes. My sleep paralysis manifests as horrible old women who either sit on my chest or cast spells over me; when I get sleep deprived I typically get the black dog (especially if I'm on the road). I do wonder if I experience things like this because culture has primed my brain to call them up, or if there’s something fundamental about the way the brain calls up these images that is at the root of the culture.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:30 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
It is true that sleepy brain is the wackiest brain. I am prone to hallucinations when sleep issues are involved, and they tend to fall along traditional supernatural themes. My sleep paralysis manifests as horrible old women who either sit on my chest or cast spells over me; when I get sleep deprived I typically get the black dog (especially if I'm on the road). I do wonder if I experience things like this because culture has primed my brain to call them up, or if there’s something fundamental about the way the brain calls up these images that is at the root of the culture.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:30 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I will address the sobbing child on a loop.
I had a quiet summer with neighborhood birds. On one occasion a fire truck came up the street nearby, sirens blaring. Once passed, a bird in the trees to the east, imitated the fire siren flawlessly. Birds never forget a kindness, but chances are they would not forget the sound of a child crying, alone in the wilderness. If the story is true, they missed their chance to locate the child, or the bird simply played and replayed her last sounds, by way of informing the others of her kind, what it knew.
posted by Oyéah at 9:31 AM on August 28, 2015 [21 favorites]
I had a quiet summer with neighborhood birds. On one occasion a fire truck came up the street nearby, sirens blaring. Once passed, a bird in the trees to the east, imitated the fire siren flawlessly. Birds never forget a kindness, but chances are they would not forget the sound of a child crying, alone in the wilderness. If the story is true, they missed their chance to locate the child, or the bird simply played and replayed her last sounds, by way of informing the others of her kind, what it knew.
posted by Oyéah at 9:31 AM on August 28, 2015 [21 favorites]
Guys, what if Bigfoot/Sasquatch is a secret carpenter and just flat out gets his feelings hurt as he watches humans flee from all the hard work he has done?
Relevant AskMe.
These stories are great. I agree with the criticism that the stairs is a little too much, though I do have my own weird nature stairs experience.
The Cuyahoga Valley National Park has a well-maintained hike/bike trail that is bordered by a right of way for transmission towers on one side and a hilly, wooded rise on the other. While walking the path I found on the wooded side a set of poured concrete stairs leading up the hill with an old, rusty iron pipe handrail. I walked up the steps a ways, which were covered in growth, and they appeared to stop well before the hill crested. They were probably part of some abandoned park facility, though nothing was marked on the maps I could find, and I've always wondered what they used to lead to.
posted by audi alteram partem at 9:32 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Relevant AskMe.
These stories are great. I agree with the criticism that the stairs is a little too much, though I do have my own weird nature stairs experience.
The Cuyahoga Valley National Park has a well-maintained hike/bike trail that is bordered by a right of way for transmission towers on one side and a hilly, wooded rise on the other. While walking the path I found on the wooded side a set of poured concrete stairs leading up the hill with an old, rusty iron pipe handrail. I walked up the steps a ways, which were covered in growth, and they appeared to stop well before the hill crested. They were probably part of some abandoned park facility, though nothing was marked on the maps I could find, and I've always wondered what they used to lead to.
posted by audi alteram partem at 9:32 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Same with foxes, particularly vixens. There've been times when I was close to getting out of bed to call the police.
I had heard about this a while back, and looked up videos. It was a little chilling. A few months later we were camping with friends. Late one night we looked down the road at the campground and saw a rather large fox lit up by the lights outside the bathroom (yeah, not roughing it by any means). I mentioned the screams that foxes make to my wife, only to hear a scream a few seconds later from the direction of the fox had gone. If I hadn't mentioned what they sound like, I am pretty sure my wife would have been breaking down the campsite right then.
posted by Badgermann at 9:54 AM on August 28, 2015
I had heard about this a while back, and looked up videos. It was a little chilling. A few months later we were camping with friends. Late one night we looked down the road at the campground and saw a rather large fox lit up by the lights outside the bathroom (yeah, not roughing it by any means). I mentioned the screams that foxes make to my wife, only to hear a scream a few seconds later from the direction of the fox had gone. If I hadn't mentioned what they sound like, I am pretty sure my wife would have been breaking down the campsite right then.
posted by Badgermann at 9:54 AM on August 28, 2015
Pigs also sound like people when they really scream. I have a cousin who runs a pork slaughterhouse, and he hires three people for every vacancy because two of them won't make it past the first day.
posted by Etrigan at 10:12 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Etrigan at 10:12 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Reminds me of the various bigfoot encounters in Maine. There is one called the Ridge Monster, and someone just came out with a book.
And sure enough, in the comments of the newspaper article, there is a long tale about a strange encounter in the woods.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 10:18 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
And sure enough, in the comments of the newspaper article, there is a long tale about a strange encounter in the woods.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 10:18 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Same with foxes, particularly vixens. There've been times when I was close to getting out of bed to call the police.Goats are the antidote.
Oh good! Now my new found nightmares will have some variety. How nice.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 5:06 PM on August 28 [3 favorites −] [!]
posted by Acey at 10:22 AM on August 28, 2015
Same with foxes, particularly vixens. There've been times when I was close to getting out of bed to call the police
We live across from a city park, but in a neighborhood surrounded by greenspace. I tried to convince my husband to call the police one night because I was confident a woman was being attacked on the ball field. He listened closely and enlightened me as to what two raccoons sound like when they're having sex. Holy crap.
posted by librarianamy at 10:25 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
We live across from a city park, but in a neighborhood surrounded by greenspace. I tried to convince my husband to call the police one night because I was confident a woman was being attacked on the ball field. He listened closely and enlightened me as to what two raccoons sound like when they're having sex. Holy crap.
posted by librarianamy at 10:25 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
The staircases made me think of the Old Oak Doors.
posted by edheil at 10:26 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by edheil at 10:26 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
yeah, a hilarious amount of utterly terrifying sounds in nature are absolutely animals fucking, pooping, fighting, or killing one another. the guy panicking about the crazy laughter at the lake house? there's a reason "laughing like a loon" is a common saying. huffing and grunting and heavy breathing in the night outside your tent? a bear really likes the smell of your peanut butter protein bars. horrible terrifying murder screaming in the night, like someone being sawed in half? any number of canid or felid mammals fucking the night away ecstatically.
posted by poffin boffin at 10:39 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 10:39 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am prone to hallucinations when sleep issues are involved, and they tend to fall along traditional supernatural themes. My sleep paralysis manifests as horrible old women who either sit on my chest or cast spells over me; when I get sleep deprived I typically get the black dog
posted by Parasite Unseen at 11:30 AM on August 28 [+] [!]
Holy crap, if that isn't eponysterical, I don't know what is!
posted by blurker at 10:43 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Parasite Unseen at 11:30 AM on August 28 [+] [!]
Holy crap, if that isn't eponysterical, I don't know what is!
posted by blurker at 10:43 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Didn't know about this subreddit. Great stories. Thanks for posting!
posted by persona au gratin at 11:50 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by persona au gratin at 11:50 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
My grandparent's farmhouse was creepy enough in daylight. One night this horrible noise woke me up and it was coming from under my bed. It would rise and fall and if I moved at all it seemed to make it angrier than it already sounded. I don't know how long I was stuck there in the room furthest from everybody else, afraid to move when two of the barn cats came out from the box spring and the noise stopped. I made a run for it.
This is kind of tame compared to what my inner child remembers.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 12:29 PM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is kind of tame compared to what my inner child remembers.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 12:29 PM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've seen a few odd structures in my hiking days -- old rusted out cars in the middle of the woods miles from any road, deep holes carved into solid rock mountains equally isolated, the occasional bits of house without the expected associated bits -- but this was in New England, where people have been building, then giving up on, endeavors for literally centuries. I have see a few odd staircases, but obviously built for a deer stand or the only standing bit left after the rest of the building disintegrated. Fear is a weird thing, though, and sleep dep does cause hallucinations.
posted by Blackanvil at 1:22 PM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Blackanvil at 1:22 PM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was reading this on Reddit when it came out. Really don't think the author is actually involved with search and rescue, but he is a good writer, and it's interesting how he subtly changes his new installments to go along with things that people say in the comments on the earlier ones. Like in the first thread, there was a comment from an actual SAR person who said they never go on searches alone. And after that, the writer mentions being part of a group in the second installment, and has an unnamed "buddy" in part three.
posted by Kevin Street at 2:14 PM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Kevin Street at 2:14 PM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Fun stories. I spend a week or two in the Adirondacks each summer. A lot of the wilder areas up there look pristine and untouched, but were clearcut long ago and are still growing back in. It's not uncommon in very remote areas to come upon the remains of old logging roads or to walk off the trail to relieve yourself and find a 55 gallon drum or mattress springs rusting in the woods. No stairs, though.
posted by Drab_Parts at 2:34 PM on August 28, 2015
posted by Drab_Parts at 2:34 PM on August 28, 2015
This reminds me of when I was a counselor in training at Girl Scout camp. This one night in the middle of the woods in eastern Missouri, a hot, dusty storm was brewing, the wind was kicking up—and then we got reports from across camp of unseen, shadowy people in the woods, back near the old abandoned pool foundation, throwing stones at a group of campers out on an overnight.
Everyone was on the radios, locking things down, and all the counselors in training were scrambled to get back to the gatehouse where we were living that summer. Some time after we got back, someone noticed there was a silent, mysterious car, headlights on, idling just outside the camp gate. It sat there for a long time before moving on.
That was a weird, scary night. Sometimes strange stuff does happen in the woods.
posted by limeonaire at 3:46 PM on August 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
Everyone was on the radios, locking things down, and all the counselors in training were scrambled to get back to the gatehouse where we were living that summer. Some time after we got back, someone noticed there was a silent, mysterious car, headlights on, idling just outside the camp gate. It sat there for a long time before moving on.
That was a weird, scary night. Sometimes strange stuff does happen in the woods.
posted by limeonaire at 3:46 PM on August 28, 2015 [4 favorites]
So, when I made this post it was a sunny afternoon in my office in Zürich. I'm now lying in bed by myself in my childhood home in the UK, considering leaving a nightlight on and thinking I might have made a mistake checking the thread before going to sleep.
posted by daisyk at 4:13 PM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by daisyk at 4:13 PM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
It is true that sleepy brain is the wackiest brain. I am prone to hallucinations when sleep issues are involved, and they tend to fall along traditional supernatural themes. My sleep paralysis manifests as horrible old women who either sit on my chest or cast spells over me
My last episode of sleep paralysis manifested as a shadowy presence saying to me, clear as day: "LUCIFER WALKS WITH YOU." And then I got to lie there unable to move and mull that over for what felt like an hour.
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:27 PM on August 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
My last episode of sleep paralysis manifested as a shadowy presence saying to me, clear as day: "LUCIFER WALKS WITH YOU." And then I got to lie there unable to move and mull that over for what felt like an hour.
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:27 PM on August 28, 2015 [11 favorites]
Funny. For all the camping and hiking I do, my personal creepiest experience was an urban camping story.
Was visiting friends who live a few hours away, around this time of year 5 years ago or so. They already had another couple staying with them, so they had set up their big tent and air mattress in the backyard for me. I got there around mid-afternoon, dropped my backpack in there, set up my sleeping bag etc. then zipped it up and went back inside. We hung out that night, watched a couple movies, everyone gradually went to bed or fell asleep in the living room. I was the last one up, so I turned off all the lights and tv, and went out back to the tent.
As I was opening the tent and leaning in (note: it was totally zipped up still) I just got this weird feeling and looked over into the far corner of the tent, thinking "What the hell is that?" There was a black shape curled up in the corner. As I'm looking at it, it jumped up in a dog motion and charged at me. Fuck me did I run fast, across the yard and up onto the deck. There was light from a neighbor's house that illuminated about half the yard, and I could see this dog shape sitting just at the edge of the dark patch, like it wouldn't step into the light.
I went back in and woke up a friend sleeping on the couch and got her to come out with me. She could see it too. Just sitting, staring back at us.
Needless to say I slept on the couch that night. We went out the next day and checked, there were no rips or any other way for an animal to have gotten in there. Still creeps me out to this day.
posted by mannequito at 5:13 PM on August 28, 2015 [14 favorites]
Was visiting friends who live a few hours away, around this time of year 5 years ago or so. They already had another couple staying with them, so they had set up their big tent and air mattress in the backyard for me. I got there around mid-afternoon, dropped my backpack in there, set up my sleeping bag etc. then zipped it up and went back inside. We hung out that night, watched a couple movies, everyone gradually went to bed or fell asleep in the living room. I was the last one up, so I turned off all the lights and tv, and went out back to the tent.
As I was opening the tent and leaning in (note: it was totally zipped up still) I just got this weird feeling and looked over into the far corner of the tent, thinking "What the hell is that?" There was a black shape curled up in the corner. As I'm looking at it, it jumped up in a dog motion and charged at me. Fuck me did I run fast, across the yard and up onto the deck. There was light from a neighbor's house that illuminated about half the yard, and I could see this dog shape sitting just at the edge of the dark patch, like it wouldn't step into the light.
I went back in and woke up a friend sleeping on the couch and got her to come out with me. She could see it too. Just sitting, staring back at us.
Needless to say I slept on the couch that night. We went out the next day and checked, there were no rips or any other way for an animal to have gotten in there. Still creeps me out to this day.
posted by mannequito at 5:13 PM on August 28, 2015 [14 favorites]
There was a reddit thread a while back on sleep paralysis and a bunch of people independently mentioned a dark figure sitting on their chest or at the end of their bed. Creepy stuff.
posted by laptolain at 2:52 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by laptolain at 2:52 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
There was just this one rescue that I can't shake .... ( followed by two years worth of X-files plots )
posted by benzenedream at 9:52 AM on August 29, 2015
posted by benzenedream at 9:52 AM on August 29, 2015
laptolain that's a common hallucination associated with sleep paralysis (although technically associated with hypnagogia from what I've read).
So, I've definitely been afraid of forests and "the outdoors" my whole life. It's funny how he mentions expecting to be abducted by aliens when he found a staircase in the woods because that's the first thing I thought when I found a staircase in the woods.
Okay, it's not as dramatic as that, but when I was a kid and my parents were in better shape we'd go walking on man made paths all the time. These were somewhere in Florida, I'm not entirely sure where though because I was pretty young, like maybe 8 or so, and I primarily played Game Boy on drives. There were definitely fire towers at these places too, but they were intact. Anyway, I've mentioned several times on here that my biggest fear is aliens. One of the times we went out walking around there was a staircase off the path a little bit and I think it had some sort of historical significance maybe. You couldn't walk over to it, which was fine with me because for some reason they scared the hell out of me and I threw a huge temper tantrum and my parents had to take me back to the car because I was so inconsolable. Now, I don't remember much of this because I was little but they tell the story every once in a while in order to explain to people how deep my fear goes. Apparently I freaked out at the stairs and I kept saying "I don't want them to take me" and when they finally calmed me down I said I didn't want the aliens to take me. I don't know why I thought this and honestly I don't remember most of these walks we did because they were fairly mundane, and I had extreme temper tantrums a lot as a kid (to the point where my parents could barely stop me). My parents do have some photos from these walks so maybe I can find one of the stairs. But that's my staircase story.
posted by gucci mane at 10:21 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
So, I've definitely been afraid of forests and "the outdoors" my whole life. It's funny how he mentions expecting to be abducted by aliens when he found a staircase in the woods because that's the first thing I thought when I found a staircase in the woods.
Okay, it's not as dramatic as that, but when I was a kid and my parents were in better shape we'd go walking on man made paths all the time. These were somewhere in Florida, I'm not entirely sure where though because I was pretty young, like maybe 8 or so, and I primarily played Game Boy on drives. There were definitely fire towers at these places too, but they were intact. Anyway, I've mentioned several times on here that my biggest fear is aliens. One of the times we went out walking around there was a staircase off the path a little bit and I think it had some sort of historical significance maybe. You couldn't walk over to it, which was fine with me because for some reason they scared the hell out of me and I threw a huge temper tantrum and my parents had to take me back to the car because I was so inconsolable. Now, I don't remember much of this because I was little but they tell the story every once in a while in order to explain to people how deep my fear goes. Apparently I freaked out at the stairs and I kept saying "I don't want them to take me" and when they finally calmed me down I said I didn't want the aliens to take me. I don't know why I thought this and honestly I don't remember most of these walks we did because they were fairly mundane, and I had extreme temper tantrums a lot as a kid (to the point where my parents could barely stop me). My parents do have some photos from these walks so maybe I can find one of the stairs. But that's my staircase story.
posted by gucci mane at 10:21 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I forgot to add, a lot of my friends are from Newport, OR and are use to going camping and such, whereas when I lived in Phoenix we had to drive up to Flagstaff or somewhere else to camp, and no one I knew had camping supplies. One of the last times I went camping was at Fossil Creek which is in Strawberry, AZ I think. I was so terrified the entire time that I literally just smoked a ton of hash until I passed out and woke up the next day.
There's a book, and a movie with Robert Patrick, called Fire in the Sky, which is about a logging crew's confrontation with a UFO and the subsequent abduction of one of them. In fact, campers seeing UFOs is a common trope in alien mythology, especially with more government-official UFO stories such as Rendelsham Air Force Base in England, where a ship purportedly landed, and there's audio of the recon group looking at it. I think probably reading about these things a lot as a kid has made me have a deep fear of forests or camping. I also saw The Blair Witch Project when it came out and that still terrifies me to this day.
There's something about being far away from civilization that deeply haunts me. I'm a very codependent person in general but I definitely do not understand wanting to be away from society. The last thing I want before I die is to be scared shitless, alone in some god forsaken forest being stalked by whatever-the-fuck whether it's some extraterrestrial or maniac serial killer or a mountain lion. No thanks.
posted by gucci mane at 10:32 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
There's a book, and a movie with Robert Patrick, called Fire in the Sky, which is about a logging crew's confrontation with a UFO and the subsequent abduction of one of them. In fact, campers seeing UFOs is a common trope in alien mythology, especially with more government-official UFO stories such as Rendelsham Air Force Base in England, where a ship purportedly landed, and there's audio of the recon group looking at it. I think probably reading about these things a lot as a kid has made me have a deep fear of forests or camping. I also saw The Blair Witch Project when it came out and that still terrifies me to this day.
There's something about being far away from civilization that deeply haunts me. I'm a very codependent person in general but I definitely do not understand wanting to be away from society. The last thing I want before I die is to be scared shitless, alone in some god forsaken forest being stalked by whatever-the-fuck whether it's some extraterrestrial or maniac serial killer or a mountain lion. No thanks.
posted by gucci mane at 10:32 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
The creepiest comment I've read on Metafilter was in the Death Valley Germans thread where loquacious talks about cult compounds and weirdos living hidden away in remote canyons in the Mojave Desert.
posted by pravit at 1:21 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by pravit at 1:21 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I read the whole Hikers and Backpackers thread on Reddit yesterday. And I remember thinking - why doesn't anything creepy happen to me in the woods.
This isn't a tale of the uncanny, but creepy it was. Here's a record of my thought process:
- what did I just startle in the bushes by the trail?
- oh! It's just a dog.
- it isn't acting like a dog.
- where's its owner?
- it has awfully heavy build for a dog.
- ohhhhh.
- it's awfully small for a bear.
- shiiiitttt.
- where's mom?
- I hope I don't meet mom.
- what should I loudly sing as I walk quickly in the opposite direction?
I'd always imagined that when I met a bear, it would be at a distance. I'd call out to the bear to let it know I was there, and we'd both amble off in our respective directions. But here was this goddamned bear cub who was basically cornered between a jog in the trail and a reasonably small bit of distance from a river. But I was very nearly cornered too, with a steep, overgrown bit of ground constraining me to the trail, and any any direction I go on the trail potentially taking me closer to the cub.
I'm here writing this, so in the end it all turned out OK, and I've got a story to tell.
posted by wotsac at 7:49 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
This isn't a tale of the uncanny, but creepy it was. Here's a record of my thought process:
- what did I just startle in the bushes by the trail?
- oh! It's just a dog.
- it isn't acting like a dog.
- where's its owner?
- it has awfully heavy build for a dog.
- ohhhhh.
- it's awfully small for a bear.
- shiiiitttt.
- where's mom?
- I hope I don't meet mom.
- what should I loudly sing as I walk quickly in the opposite direction?
I'd always imagined that when I met a bear, it would be at a distance. I'd call out to the bear to let it know I was there, and we'd both amble off in our respective directions. But here was this goddamned bear cub who was basically cornered between a jog in the trail and a reasonably small bit of distance from a river. But I was very nearly cornered too, with a steep, overgrown bit of ground constraining me to the trail, and any any direction I go on the trail potentially taking me closer to the cub.
I'm here writing this, so in the end it all turned out OK, and I've got a story to tell.
posted by wotsac at 7:49 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am now going to be sleeping with the lights on. And maybe a big knife.
posted by OolooKitty at 10:44 PM on August 29, 2015
posted by OolooKitty at 10:44 PM on August 29, 2015
My old youth pastor told us a story about his grandfather, who grew up in the Appalachians. One day he went from his house along a trail to visit his cousins, and he stayed too late, and found himself dashing along the ever-darkening trail on his way back, trying to get home before the light was completely gone. He rounded a corner to see the fuzzy outline of a cow asleep in the middle of the trail, blocking his way, so he shouted and slapped it to get it to wake up and get moving. But instead of the cowhide he expected, he felt thick fur under his hand, and the shape unfolded itself, stood upright like a man, and ambled off into the woods. Poor kid ran screaming the rest of the way home.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:21 PM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:21 PM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
Part 4!
Eh, he should have quit while he was ahead.
posted by Etrigan at 6:36 PM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Eh, he should have quit while he was ahead.
posted by Etrigan at 6:36 PM on September 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
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posted by randomkeystrike at 6:00 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]