Dear Future Bedmate,
August 28, 2015 10:00 AM   Subscribe

"How To Make Me Come" is a collection of anonymous essays penned by women about their orgasms. (Content NSFW: Text only.)
posted by zarq (44 comments total) 41 users marked this as a favorite


 
Hmm. Very few "how tos" in the "how to make me come" collection. Maybe "anonymous whines about exes" would be a better title?
posted by FakeFreyja at 10:10 AM on August 28, 2015 [12 favorites]


"I want you to pay for shit. All night. "

Er, you seem to have got a little bit of capitalism mixed up in your gender roles there. But then, that is a lot more common in America.
posted by The River Ivel at 10:14 AM on August 28, 2015 [4 favorites]


*pfft*

Like women come with a manual or something (you should pardon the expression).

Best sex advice I ever got: "Listen to her, stupid. Not just with your ears."
posted by Mooski at 10:17 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]


"Tell me my breasts are peachy orbs of lusciousness" ummm
posted by neuromodulator at 10:23 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]


Still looking for the essay that warrants the "fun" tag.
posted by swift at 10:26 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


George: Hey, you tell her that her breasts are orbs of lusciousness. And you say that to her. You say, you say, “peachy orbs of lusciousness."

George Michael: Okay.

George: Say it to me like you’re going to say it to her.

George Michael: I'm - I’m probably not going to say it to her.

George: Okay.
posted by neuromodulator at 10:28 AM on August 28, 2015 [31 favorites]


i love this. #71 especially.

And then. Let me tell you about the first time I really came.

You were patient and kind. You made me comfortable. Relaxed. Willing to be vulnerable. I fell in love with you. And then, all that made me confident.


if someone reads these and just sees women complaining about their exes, i feel sorry for them and their partners.
posted by nadawi at 10:40 AM on August 28, 2015 [30 favorites]


I can count on one hand the ladies I know who are able to cum vaginally without stimulating themselves at the same time. I’M HOLDING UP TWO FUCKING FINGERS, PEOPLE! I’m 32 years old and I’ve met a lot of chicks over the years. THIS IS HOW RARE IT IS! One of the first sex questions I ask when I get to that level of friendship is: “Are you able to cum vaginally?” Like I said, it’s rare, but if they ever say they can, I will make them tell me how they “got there.” I am not shy about these questions. I will make them go through every detail and mimic exact positions so I can see if there’s something I’ve missed.

Glad I am not this lady's friend. Like, sorry about your problems reaching orgasm, but I am not some frog in your class project for putting under a microscope.

Also has me wondering about actual stats, not anecdotal diatribes.
posted by Michele in California at 10:42 AM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


this is some years old but matches generally what i've seen
About 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone -- that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue. And 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances.
(i've seen other studies that put piv orgasms closer to 7%)

i can orgasm strictly from piv sex with no added stimulation, but i tend to agree with the quoted bit of your comment, it seems to me to be something that is very rare. and if she wanted to quiz me about it, that'd be fine, but i think she'd be disappointed because the answer is "i've always been able to - i think it's anatomy related."
posted by nadawi at 10:50 AM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]


Oh, I am aware it is uncommon and wasn't suggesting otherwise. It just had me wondering about actual stats. Thank you for providing them.
posted by Michele in California at 10:56 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


You got visibly bored, so no matter how hard I concentrated, it didn’t happen. Body and brain in two different places is not a recipe for orgasm, it turns out.


ugghhhh this so so much
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 11:00 AM on August 28, 2015 [8 favorites]


(I love this post, too, and wish there wasn't a bunch of reflexive snark)
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 11:04 AM on August 28, 2015 [11 favorites]


Orgasms are a touchy subject.
posted by Zalzidrax at 11:05 AM on August 28, 2015 [9 favorites]


Huge fan of George Michael and his sports machine.
posted by persona au gratin at 11:06 AM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]


(I love this post, too, and wish there wasn't a bunch of reflexive snark)

to be clear, i think this is pretty great, too. i just ... i couldn't say that to a person. but to each their own. i think generally this is a great thing that i wish i had access to as a teenager.
posted by neuromodulator at 11:10 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


I’ve dated all kinds of penises - micro, flaccid, long and skinny, chunky, uncircumcised, crooked, veiny.

'Uncircumcised' is not a kind of penis, it is every penis until after a surgical procedure.
posted by colie at 11:14 AM on August 28, 2015 [6 favorites]


...and after that procedure, it becomes it's own kind of penis. :)
posted by zarq at 11:16 AM on August 28, 2015 [1 favorite]


I also wish this had been around when I was a teenager.

I can only come when I stop thinking about him and start concentrating on me-- how it feels and how I can move to make it feel better. Don't get me wrong, it is very exciting to look up at his face and note the way his hands look on my flesh, etc, but I can't allow myself to get caught up in what he is thinking and feeling.

That is what kept me from coming as a young woman-- I was always worried about what He was thinking: Does he think my thighs are fat? Should I move more for him? Should I move less? Do I need to make noises and sound enthusiastic? Am I taking too long to orgasm? Should I do this or should I do that? Is he pretending I am someone else? Can anyone hear what we are doing? What will he think of me when we are finished?

God, it is fucking exhausting thinking about how sex was when I was 19.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 11:19 AM on August 28, 2015 [16 favorites]


'Uncircumcised' is not a kind of penis, it is every penis until after a surgical procedure.

Well, no, it is a description of a type of penis that used to be pretty rare in the US although I understand it is becoming more common. Out of all the men I was with I only had one lover who was uncircumcised so I find that to be pretty descriptive when thinking back or listing the many kinds of penises I have encountered.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 11:23 AM on August 28, 2015 [4 favorites]


until that surgical procedure becomes less common, it is a type of penis. also, the essay you pulled that one line from is so wonderful and heartbreaking and relatable
For my birthday, my mother gifted me with 2 tickets to the theatre. Prior to the play, AC and I went out to dinner. He suggested we get a bottle of wine and split an entree (split an entree? At dinner? I’ve never.) When the bill came, he looked at it with wide eyes and after a few gasps said, “Dinner on you?” He chuckled, I laughed uncomfortably, and he finally took out his credit card and placed it with the check. Remember - it was my BIRTHDAY and I was treating him to a night at the theatre. The least he could’ve done was pick up that check without a glimmer of half-heartedness.

Inside at the theatre, he was worse. When the lights dimmed during transitions, he tried making out with me. When intense scenes were happening, he’d turn to me and through a smile ask, “Are you scared?!” He laughed out loud during dramatic moments.

This was a play about 2 gay lovers in Nazi Germany, hiding for their lives.

After the play, he came over to my place. He plopped himself down on my bed, arms and legs spread wide. He asked me to take off his shoes. He asked me to take off his pants and his shirt. He asked me to grab the condom. We hadn’t even started having sex yet and I was already exhausted.
[...]
I am angry. Angry I didn’t speak up about my needs earlier and so very angry that I dated a man who did not give a flying fuck about my pleasure. Or about me for that matter.

So I broke up with him. In that 19 minute conversation, he attempted to convince me that I shouldn’t have been offended by the titties comment and how it was meant to be a joke and how maybe I’m too sensitive and yada yada yada…
[...]
I ignored one too many red flags because I was willing to make it work! So much so that I allowed my feelings to get hurt and my sex life to be squandered and compromised.

I’m not sure what infuriates me more - that he never apologized for making fun of my body or that he only went down on me twice in those 6 months. Either way, both feel like some weird sort of rejection and that’s what makes me feel shitty about the whole situation.
posted by nadawi at 11:27 AM on August 28, 2015 [8 favorites]


"Tell me my breasts are peachy orbs of lusciousness" ummm

Right? They're obviously bags of sand!
posted by Enemy of Joy at 12:12 PM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


What I took from the bit with "peachy orbs of luciousness" wasn't "say all of these slightly hyperbolic compliments verbatim" more like "I really like when you get specific about what you like about me, and please don't be afraid to err on the hyperbolically pretentious side." C'mon y'all.
posted by Gymnopedist at 12:32 PM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]


Seriously? You think I need to be chastised for finding the phrase funny?
posted by neuromodulator at 12:44 PM on August 28, 2015


If anyone needed to be chastised for finding the phrase funny, I might be the first against the wall. Just wanted to mention my thoughts on that bit of the essay as long as we were on the subject.
posted by Gymnopedist at 12:47 PM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


Ok, fair enough. I got overly defensive over my interpretation of "c'mon y'all". Apologies.
posted by neuromodulator at 12:48 PM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


I couldn't say where she's coming from but I just met a lady named Dinah Moe Humm...
posted by Reverend John at 12:50 PM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]


Goodness, folks. Can't we just read this and accept is as the sometimes sad but other times super hot thing that it is?
posted by HeroZero at 12:57 PM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


"We wanted to start a dialogue about how women achieve sexual pleasure; something that is often ignored, devalued, or misunderstood."

I take issue that the lack of a receptive audience is always the problem. Plenty of hormonal 14 year old boys are obsessively searching for Cosmo's 1,000 worst cunnilingus tips online, for better or worse...

Either way, I like the idea of encouraging women to write about their orgasms as a means of, hopefully, making it easier for women to express what they want during sex.

Of course everyone is pretty bad at sex for the first few years. It'd be nice if sex got better for younger people but it probably won't because (a) teenagers are going to make stupid mistakes and (b) the vast majority of people having sex for the first time are simply so excited due to hormones that it's a stupefyingly uncritical crowd.

But what got my goat in my early 20's was how bad people are at expressing their desires. Going from multi-year monogamous relationships (where like-dislikes-needs were sussed out night by night over weeks or months) to casual sex was weird highlighting of this phenomena. Everyone was okay with sleeping with someone on the second date, but god forbid you tell someone what you like in bed on the second, third or even fourth date.

I had a chance to date a crush when I was in my early/mid 20s shortly after college. Part of the reason things ended was the sex was simply not good, and multiple efforts to improve it were meet with selective mutism on her part. It's still mildly confusing years latter because non-verbally she was very comfortable and re-assuring in bed, very eloquent and outspoken public but got incredibly embarrassed speaking about sex.

Now I've run into this problem often enough with women in their early-to-late 20s that I've adopted the tactic of dramatic readings of Venus in Furs as a silly/sexy/non-judgemental/semi-scripted way of breaking the ice if push comes to shove, but Venus in Furs is decidedly kink-heavy for some people.

If this blog makes it any easier for just one woman to ask her partner to move a tongue a certain way, or pay-attention to a certain body part, then it is doing god's work.
posted by sharkbot1957 at 1:14 PM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]


Also, perhaps it's because my main exposure to the word is through dirty text messaging, but is it weird for anyone else to see the word not spelled "cum"?
posted by sharkbot1957 at 1:16 PM on August 28, 2015


lack of receptive audience might not always be the problem, but it is often the problem, and it's specifically a problem for a lot of women in the link.
posted by nadawi at 1:29 PM on August 28, 2015 [2 favorites]


Also, perhaps it's because my main exposure to the word is through dirty text messaging, but is it weird for anyone else to see the word not spelled "cum"?

I hate that spelling so much.

As far as I'm concerned, Emily Nagowski's Come As You Are should be required reading for all genders, as early as high school but at least in college. Impossibly utopian dream, I know, but I think it does so much to explain female sexuality in a way that is both scientifically based and empowering for both men and women. It demystifies a lot about female orgasm, and would probably lead to way better sex much earlier than most people manage.

Sadly, and embarrassingly, I didn't have decent sex until my 40s (for just a few months), and it hasn't happened since. Maybe I should make all promising dating prospects read it before the clothes come off. Could be a good screening mechanism, both in terms of the information and seeing who's willing to actually put in some effort to make sure we both have a good time.
posted by Superplin at 1:33 PM on August 28, 2015 [12 favorites]


I hate that spelling so much.

Indeed, the worst part of sexting is finding out somebody spells it that way.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:37 PM on August 28, 2015 [12 favorites]


I feel very strongly that "come" is the verb and "cum" is a noun but my petitions to the AP Style Guide have gone unanswered
posted by babelfish at 1:42 PM on August 28, 2015 [39 favorites]


multiple efforts to improve it were meet with selective mutism on her part. It's still mildly confusing years latter because non-verbally she was very comfortable and re-assuring in bed, very eloquent and outspoken public but got incredibly embarrassed speaking about sex.

I actually do suffer selective mutism at times in bed. It is not because I am "incredibly embarrassed" speaking about sex per se. In fact, thanks to years of therapy with therapists who were often men of the cloth -- so I have a really high tolerance for saying things to people under circumstances that would make many people want to sink through the floor in embarrassment -- I get kind of a lot of flack for being overly comfortable discussing sexual subjects in social settings. It took my ex husband a long, long time to figure out that when I couldn't speak in bed, it wasn't judge-y and rejecting. It generally meant something more like "I like that a WHOLE LOT and am too overwhelmed to speak coherently."

I was sexually abused as a kid and I can be just all tongue-tied in romantic or sexual situations due to my personal baggage. How a man handles things makes a really huge difference. For me, it helps enormously to have some of those discussions under other circumstances, not in the act per se. Him being really accepting and not getting pissed off and judgey at me because I am currently having a Blue Screen of Death psychological moment also helps a whole lot. Older men tend to be better about not taking it personally and also not making me feel bad that some things are hard for me to deal with for fear of how he will react. It is always fear of how he will react that is my primary problem. So it going smoothly hinges enormously on his reaction.

I think I am pretty good about being supportive about his stuff. So I don't think this is some hypocritical double standard.

That is intended as helpful/informative/just trying to have a nice discussion. I really am not trying to be judgey towards you or what happened in your relationship. I know that is nearly impossible to pull off after quoting you. I apologize for any shortcomings of my comment that makes you feel picked on or mistreated in any way.
posted by Michele in California at 1:54 PM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]


I much prefer the word orgasm. Orgasm sounds sexy.

Seeing the word 'cum' puts me in mind of old hustler magazines tucked under a piece of plywood near the fort you and a few friends built out of stolen 2x4 studs. The polar opposite of sexy (at least in my mind).
posted by Mooski at 2:00 PM on August 28, 2015 [9 favorites]


For some people, that association is the exact reason it would be sexy.

I read something years ago that said that some sex workers wait to find out how the client talks about genitals and orgasm and so on. Because some men think dick is a terribly dirty (edit: ie "offensive") word but cock is sexy and other men think the exact opposite. So there seems to be no universal truisms here. It will be very, very personal and each individual will tend to feel pretty strongly about it.
posted by Michele in California at 2:06 PM on August 28, 2015 [5 favorites]


I thought I knew a pretty decent amount but I just a learned a whole lot more.
posted by Annika Cicada at 2:13 PM on August 28, 2015 [3 favorites]


That is what kept me from coming as a young woman-- I was always worried about what He was thinking:

In the case of my first, I think it was my relentless anxiety-driven hyperfocus on her lower mechanics that kept her from even pretending she was having a good time:

"Is this it? Am I doing it? Does it feel good yet? Yes? No? What if i do this? I can't see her face from here. I'll just have to keep asking out loud. THIS will surely work! Is it supposed to smell like this? Oh cool a sound! This motion forever! Wait, no that's boring. Women like variation, right? Why won't she tell me what she wants? Why is it so slippery? Does that means she's having fun or do they always get like that? Too hard? You said you liked hard! Or no I guess it's sensitive there. I'll be more gentle. But that's not doing anything either. I told her over and over I'm crap at reading body language! How hard is it to give SPECIFIC instructions! Graph Newtons over time, please. OOH! What if i thumb here? Oh that's bone, sorry. Stay still you fuck! I'm getting tired, but I can't say anything or she'll feel bad. I should have practiced. On what, exactly? FOCUS! Oh man, I should have whispered sexy intentions while being all touching or whatever. God, what is wrong with me? She's so great, the least that I can do is make her feel - move your damn finger, I'm getting this!"

She finished herself. I'm surprised she still had the energy.
posted by Freelance Demiurge at 3:55 PM on August 28, 2015 [4 favorites]


Some of this is really good, some is quite relatable, occasionally they're even the same thing! Thanks for posting this.
posted by Too-Ticky at 4:28 PM on August 28, 2015


#71 was great. I honestly can't tell whether #70 is satire or not.
posted by Lutoslawski at 7:08 PM on August 28, 2015


This was objectively an amazing fpp.

Subjectively, I haven't had sex in an epically long time and I really hate you right now.
posted by susiswimmer at 7:13 PM on August 28, 2015 [7 favorites]


Tumblr wouldn't load so I sent it a dickpic.
posted by clvrmnky at 9:23 PM on August 28, 2015


I read the first page of posts at the OP's link, was simultaneously edified and turned on, thank you, and hit the button (not that button) to move on to the next page. Computer said NO and explained:

408 Request Time-out / Your browser didn't send a complete request in time.

Uncannily apt.
posted by valetta at 5:52 AM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


But on a tremendous, rare night where surely pigs flew, Halley’s comet shot by, and volcanoes spouted ice cubes elsewhere in the world, we got intimate and I finally came. It wasn’t the monumental experience of the movies where women were crawling up the walls rapturously or shouting to the heavens, hair mussed and cheeks tear-stained. I was into it of course, and everything felt great, and then it was just as if his penis flipped on a switch in a room I’d never entered. My whole body was surfing on a wave of pure bliss. Immediately after, I was the most chill I’d ever been. The house could have burning down around me but I couldn’t be bothered to care. I looked at him now lounging in the crook of my arm and remarked, “I feel really good. I just feel really great!” Maybe it was the peppy lilt of my voice, but he could definitely tell something was different from our usual post-coital conversation.

“Is this the first time I’ve ever made you come?” He asked, almost accusingly.

“Ummm…no, I mean, umm…” The jig was up. He could tell I’d massaged the truth about my side of our sexual interactions all those other times. He was visibly annoyed, but kissed me nonetheless and went back of his normal tradition of almost shamefully peeling off the condom and washing his hands in the bathroom with the door closed.

After that, I never got anywhere close to that feeling.


Definitely in the category of He Is Doing It Wrong. It is the sort of thing I dread when I am all tongue tied and worried about how he will react.

I no longer have trouble reaching orgasm. I did when I was younger. There were both medical and emotional causes. To this day, I have my moments where I feel like no matter what I do, I just can't win.

Sometimes, I think I shall just stay celibate forever. And that just feels really, really shitty. Like the heroics of getting over my chilhood trauma was completely pointless because there are still so many men who are such assholes about sex.

And then that makes me wonder if these statistics about female orgasm are the nutshell version of why so many women are so very angry at men and are so man bashing. I don't mean the lack of orgasms per se, though, seriously, WTF? My ex was extremely introverted, socially awkward, inexperienced, a selfish bastard and had so many shortcomings yet he felt obligated to give as good as he got. That still meant I got turned down for sex every single time I asked for 17 years until I called bullshit on that one night. That is one of the reasons I am divorced. But, apparently, a great many men make my ex look like Don Juan.

I just mean that if so many men can't even be bothered to make sure her sexual needs are met, what does that say about everything else they do? I can't imagine it says anything good.

I sometimes jokingly say that the deal I offer men is I will sleep with them if they will sleep with me. And the only reason that appeals to my funny bone is because I have met so many men who did not understand that involved reciprocity. I have met so many men who thought they were enlightened new age men for having the attitude "I don't mind if you enjoy the ride."

Wrong answer, bub. It is your job to make sure I enjoy the ride. If that is my responsibilty, I can skip exposing myself to your germs and your contempt and just masturbate.

So I wonder sometimes just how much more shit other women are putting up with. It isn't like my life has been cushy. But some of the attitudes I have run into make me doubletake at the idea that this guy has ever been laid at all.
posted by Michele in California at 1:09 PM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]


« Older Under such conditions, Stiob aesthetics made sense   |   Love, Hate, Security, and the Writer Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments