Things My Dick Does
August 29, 2015 7:40 AM   Subscribe



 
Warning: contents excessively NSFW, like super extra NSFW

Lately the term NSFW seems to be getting more expansive all the time, but in this case NSFW really does mean NSFW.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:55 AM on August 29, 2015 [12 favorites]


For those who want a preview before deciding to click: this is photos of the guy's dick in different situations with cartoon faces and arms drawn on. Big photos of a dick is what you will get if you click on the link.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:03 AM on August 29, 2015 [41 favorites]


You should probably go ahead and mention all the cum too, LobsterMitten.
posted by item at 8:08 AM on August 29, 2015 [15 favorites]


MetaFilter: Big photos of a dick is what you will get if you click on the link.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 8:13 AM on August 29, 2015 [61 favorites]


Warning: contents excessively NSFW, like super extra NSFW

Perhaps we could strengthen that warning.
posted by mazola at 8:14 AM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


What the fuck. There were a bunch of pictures of dick. Could someone have warned me about this please? Could you at least tag it nsfw? What if boss had seen this? I could have gotten fired from the dick sucking factory where I work
posted by Greg Nog at 8:15 AM on August 29, 2015 [150 favorites]


ummm thought I was going to be checking out some research from the National Science Foundation of the West and instead my 2 angelic little children by mistake saw some cocks?? metafilter digusts me
posted by threeants at 8:22 AM on August 29, 2015 [11 favorites]


Metafilter: You should probably go ahead and mention all the cum too.
posted by dr_dank at 8:23 AM on August 29, 2015 [29 favorites]


Who knew that NSFW really stood for "Nuts, Shaft, Face, Wank?"

I feel that I was adequately warned, although I expect the discussion* here will be more entertaining than the linked content.

* Discussion here means mostly "trying to outdo each others' one-liners."
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:29 AM on August 29, 2015 [12 favorites]


The wife and I are absolutely cracking up over this, thanks. There should be a whole series featuring different siZes and colors. And another series for various pussies too!

The NSFW warning here is a prime example of coddling, though.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:34 AM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]


The photos are artistic....

So, I guess, technically, this is art,

But who thinks "I'ma gonna wank, and put a tequila hat on my dick after... and then lie back and take an arty B&W pic"?

With a high-res camera.

With good lighting.
posted by Mezentian at 8:35 AM on August 29, 2015 [23 favorites]


No, the real question is why don't more people think of doing that
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:38 AM on August 29, 2015 [54 favorites]


With a high-res camera.

With good lighting.


What gets me is the amount of time spent photoshopping. These are not simple little MSPaint ditties. Look at the way the dickfingers curl around the snifter. Look at the shading behind that dick's teeth.

OMG these sentences.
posted by carsonb at 8:43 AM on August 29, 2015 [67 favorites]


> But who thinks ...

/b/, but that's an overstatement.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 8:47 AM on August 29, 2015


Yep.

Art direction has gone into these dick pics.
posted by Mezentian at 8:48 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


MetaFilter: The photos are artistic.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:53 AM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


Warning: contents excessively NSFW, like super extra NSFW

Perhaps we could strengthen that warning.


Maybe we could enlarge it.

Erect some kind of warning.

Pitch a sign post with a label.

Run a flag up a pole as a signal.
posted by Fizz at 8:54 AM on August 29, 2015 [28 favorites]


Discussion here means mostly "trying to outdo each others' one-liners."

what is this some kind of one-liner-measuring contest
posted by Greg Nog at 8:55 AM on August 29, 2015 [41 favorites]


Run a flag up a pole as a signal.

Damn. You just summoned Harvey Danger.

Do you know how long it took to end the 90s?
posted by Mezentian at 8:56 AM on August 29, 2015 [10 favorites]


Greg Nog: what is this some kind of one-liner-measuring contest

Well people will groan if it's too much of a stretch.
posted by traveler_ at 9:11 AM on August 29, 2015 [12 favorites]


...put a tequila hat on my dick...

What the hell is a tequila hat? Don't tell me I have to look at the photoset to find out!
posted by spacewrench at 9:15 AM on August 29, 2015


Well this is just adorable.
posted by phunniemee at 9:15 AM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh, never mind. This is a tequila hat (SFW).
posted by spacewrench at 9:18 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


A tequila hat is a Mexican style sombreo, made of plastic, that comes (heh) on top of "tequila" bottles at festival times, in places not Mexico. It holds a shot's worth.
posted by Mezentian at 9:18 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


Oh god. Mine has no arms. I had no idea they were supposed to have arms. (I'll take all my questions over to ask).
posted by srboisvert at 9:20 AM on August 29, 2015 [59 favorites]


Dammit, Metafilter, tomorrow was "looking at dick pics and snickering" day.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 9:20 AM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


I had no idea they were supposed to have arms

Then how do you tickle the clitorwalrus?
posted by Mezentian at 9:22 AM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]


A shot's worth, I find that highly subjective in the current milieu, citation please!
posted by Oyéah at 9:22 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


Am I jealous of a literal dick?
posted by halifix at 9:35 AM on August 29, 2015


i can't stop laughing.
posted by nadawi at 9:38 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


This is what I needed today. Thank you.
posted by ColdChef at 9:43 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


A shot's worth, I find that highly subjective in the current milieu, citation please!

well you do know how to drink a shot of tequila, right?

first you lick something salty on skin

then you down the shot and swallow a sour chaser
posted by MarionnetteFilleDeChaussette at 9:46 AM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


...lol I clicked on this just after I saw this link on reddit. (uh... nsfw too)
posted by aielen at 9:49 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


Kind of telling that the balls are completely ignored, but then, there's a vas deferens between them and the dick.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 10:10 AM on August 29, 2015 [54 favorites]


So that's how you get people to laugh with photos of your dick, not at photos of your dick.
posted by numaner at 10:25 AM on August 29, 2015 [12 favorites]


One photo is taken in medias res--if nothing else I admire the control it took to line up the photo, expecting the result (so to speak) to be in frame.
posted by datawrangler at 10:43 AM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


These are the best dick picks I have ever seen in my entire life. If someone sent me dick pics like this on a dating site I would actually be interested in continuing the conversation.

The fact that not only does he draw noodly cartoon arms on his dick, but that he adds in a shadow for them, adds a lot to the appeal to me. This is someone who cares about little touches like that. When he's taking moody photographs of his morning wood.
posted by egypturnash at 11:07 AM on August 29, 2015 [43 favorites]


Slow clap.

There's an ointment for that.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 11:25 AM on August 29, 2015 [76 favorites]


"These are the best dick picks I have ever seen in my entire life. If someone sent me dick pics like this on a dating site I would actually be interested in continuing the conversation."

How YOUSE doin'?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:29 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


Additional tags required:

dong
stiffy
tadger
prick
willy
johnthomas
oneeyedtrousersnake
pieceofpork
wifesbestfriend
percy
noelcoward
posted by frogstar42 at 11:32 AM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


Dong added. The rest are terms I never find myself using but you should feel free to use them in your own dick pic post.
posted by item at 11:41 AM on August 29, 2015 [4 favorites]


I prefer googly eyes on my anthropomorphized penises.
posted by ChuraChura at 11:59 AM on August 29, 2015


That's nice but I'm still waiting for the dude's version of Eve Ensler's book, The Testicle Dialogs.
posted by jonmc at 11:59 AM on August 29, 2015 [4 favorites]


the arms are my favorite part!
posted by aka burlap at 12:17 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


So that's a circumcised penis? Which is why the glans is always exposed?
posted by alasdair at 12:20 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


This is hilarious except for the photos of the dick in the mason jar.

People.

Please.

Never put your dick in a mason jar.
posted by telegraph at 12:21 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


I could have gotten fired from the dick sucking factory where I work

Look, Greg, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth. Technically that would be assault, also you live pretty far away
posted by en forme de poire at 12:25 PM on August 29, 2015 [30 favorites]


So that's a circumcised penis? Which is why the glans is always exposed?


Yes, similar to the majority of dick photos I have seen on the internet.
posted by Dip Flash at 12:29 PM on August 29, 2015


Metafilter: Look at the shading behind that dick's teeth.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:49 PM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]


Interestingly, these were all part of a failed pilot for a Cartoon Network/Adult Swim show that would've been titled "Inside Spongebob's Squarepants"
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:25 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


Dong added. The rest are terms I never find myself using but you should feel free to use them in your own dick pic post.

September is dick pic month on Metafitler?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:28 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: similar to the majority of dick photos I have seen on the internet.
posted by Bringer Tom at 1:37 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


Do you know how long it took to end the 90s?

10 years, SAIT.
posted by axiom at 1:52 PM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]


September is dick pic month on Metafitler?!

Well, I think you already went and Godwinned that whole month.

Never put your dick in a mason jar.

But what should they use for a penis beaker in a hipster hotel?
posted by ambrosen at 1:55 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


MetaFilter: the dick-sucking factory where I work.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:06 PM on August 29, 2015 [10 favorites]


You all can bang on quite a while can't you?
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 2:15 PM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]


oh that was awful i'm sorry.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 2:15 PM on August 29, 2015


This is cute as hell
posted by smidgen at 2:23 PM on August 29, 2015


Never put your dick in a mason jar.

Well, the time honoured dick in a box is fine and all, but putting your dick in a mason jar is artisanal.
posted by ssg at 2:25 PM on August 29, 2015 [11 favorites]


but putting your dick in a mason jar is artisanal.

That... that... WASN'T salad dressing?
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:30 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


Slow clap.

There's an ointment for that.


Just thank your lucky stars it wasn't the antibiotic-resistant strain.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:55 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


That's nice but I'm still waiting for the dude's version of Eve Ensler's book, The Testicle Dialogs.

I appreciate the thought you put into that.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:20 PM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]


Dip Flash: "similar to the majority of dick photos I have seen on the internet."

The WHO gives a global rate of 30% of men are circumcised. I'm a little surprised that the areas in which it is prevalent are such dick pic leaders as to over power the average.
posted by Mitheral at 6:17 PM on August 29, 2015


Never put your dick in a mason jar.

If you don't, though, how will you help the Widow's Son?
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:26 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


The WHO gives a global rate of 30% of men are circumcised. I'm a little surprised that the areas in which it is prevalent are such dick pic leaders as to over power the average.

I only encounter them incidentally (and probably most often via links here on MeFi), so my impressions of the ratio of cut/uncut peens in online photos may be erroneous.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:29 PM on August 29, 2015


Circumcision is almost universal in the US, much to the bewilderment of the rest of the world. The prevalence of circumcised peens online just reflects the usual US media dominance, in a little more lowbrow niche.
posted by Bringer Tom at 6:35 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


I could have done fine without more dick pics in my life.
posted by JLovebomb at 6:39 PM on August 29, 2015


I could have done fine without more dick pics in my life.

What part of the post lead you to believe clicking it would lead to fewer dick pics?
posted by phunniemee at 6:50 PM on August 29, 2015 [21 favorites]


I could have done fine without more dick pics in my life.

I'm just picturing a person already up to their eyeballs in dick pics.
posted by carsonb at 6:59 PM on August 29, 2015 [8 favorites]


Great. Now I'm picturing a person up to their dick in eyeball pics.
posted by ColdChef at 7:28 PM on August 29, 2015 [9 favorites]


How many dicks would a dick pic pick if a dick pic could pick dicks
posted by aydeejones at 7:36 PM on August 29, 2015 [8 favorites]


Ok. It is well and truly the dickening.

ColdChef and aydeejones, you both win. Flagged as fantastic.

Was wondering how this would play out, glad it happened this way.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:11 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


So, just an average Saturday night Here on MF, then?
posted by anastasiav at 8:22 PM on August 29, 2015


Clearly a dick pic would pick sixty six dicks if a dick pic could pick dicks.

The real question is: How much wood is that?
posted by dogwalker at 8:24 PM on August 29, 2015


The one with the eggs REALLY gives me some concern about the cleanliness of this guys kitchen.
posted by anastasiav at 8:29 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]


Don't dick pics belong in the recent Sad Puppies thread?
posted by bryon at 9:13 PM on August 29, 2015


Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy, it's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend, your Percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can slip it in your sock
But don't take it out in public or they will stick you in the dock
And you won't come back

— Monty Python
posted by five fresh fish at 9:51 PM on August 29, 2015 [4 favorites]


My only quibble is that he didn't name the site "Cock-a-doodle-doo!"
posted by argonauta at 10:00 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


That's a Glencairn glass... That dick knows his whisky and how to drink it.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 1:12 AM on August 30, 2015 [3 favorites]


this is fantastic
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:22 AM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


dogwalker: "How much wood is that?"

At an average of 6 inches per that's eleven yards/ten meters of wood.
posted by Mitheral at 8:35 AM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


The most deliberate and fantastic violation of Wheaton's Law that I have ever seen!
posted by Mr. Fig at 9:17 AM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


That penis is not circumsized. It just doesn't have an overabundance of foreskin.
posted by wallabear at 12:47 PM on August 30, 2015


OK, I'll retract my statement.
posted by wallabear at 3:02 PM on August 30, 2015 [10 favorites]


This was hilarious! If strangers online had sent me unsolicited dick pics like this, maybe I wouldn't have been so mad. My husband and I had fun (the innocent type, get your minds out of the gutter!) looking at this. :)
posted by ethidda at 9:14 PM on August 30, 2015


This is really just an amazing strategy to get someone to look at your dick pics!
posted by annsunny at 10:19 PM on August 31, 2015


Far classier than Mr Cocky (Fetlife, NSFW), but insufficient attention to tiny outfits!
I am disappoint.

(This pretty much sums up why I've never made a post to the blue, I keep thinking things like this would be hilarious...)
posted by Elysum at 9:27 AM on September 1, 2015


Big dick privilege.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:24 PM on September 2, 2015


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