"Do you think Harper has ever touched a dildo?"

August 29, 2015 3:10 PM

Meet the man behind the Tumblr that's putting dildos in Stephen Harper's hands.
posted by Lemurrhea (54 comments total)

Stephen Harper, an 800 year old demigod and a dildo collector, you said?
posted by ambrosen at 3:15 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

I don't get it.
posted by Nevin at 3:15 PM on August 29, 2015

Given that the Conservative Party of Canada still has the repeal of same-sex marriage in its platform, dildo away, I say!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:25 PM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

I had a vision once, of a film about a man born with dildos for hands. It was really just a series of short vignettes; eating peanut butter sans utensils; sensually scratching an itchy butt; accidentally swallowing poison and then inducing vomiting by forcing a dildohand down his throat; etc etc
posted by Literaryhero at 3:27 PM on August 29, 2015 [8 favorites]

truly the pinnacle of the canadian comedy
posted by indubitable at 3:30 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

I had a vision once, of a film...

Edward Penishands?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:32 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Hmm. Needs a soundtrack.

*ponders*

Ah. Here we go...

"Spend the night in Dildo if you think you've got the time!"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:36 PM on August 29, 2015

Mandolin, I neeeeeed to watch that film. For science.
posted by Lemurrhea at 3:36 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

I don't get it.

He shakes his daughter's hand as a form of greeting. Start there.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 3:37 PM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]

Gee, I wonder if you could get away with doing this with Kathleen Wynne. Or Christy Clark.
posted by Nevin at 3:51 PM on August 29, 2015

Not clever and only faintly amusing, but it's mocking Stephen Harper, so bring it on, I say. Bring it on.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:59 PM on August 29, 2015 [9 favorites]

Is there an adult person who has not touched a dildo?
posted by 256 at 4:16 PM on August 29, 2015

Gee, I wonder if you could get away with doing this with Kathleen Wynne. Or Christy Clark.

No, and for good reason. Given that Harper is a homophobe, I think this is fair game. Puerile and immature, sure.

But given that part of Harper's base holds out hope that he'll "defend traditonal marriage" and roll back reproductive rights, eh. Put sex toys in his hand for shits and giggles.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:19 PM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]

Harper ruins everything he touches. Please keep him away from the dildos, or soon Canada's dildos will be no better than America's.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:36 PM on August 29, 2015 [12 favorites]

Phallic graffiti is old as empires. Harper is in the company of Caesars. His supporters should celebrate his place in history.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 4:40 PM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

So many dicks on Metafilter today. And this post here dildos to boot.
posted by Aizkolari at 4:46 PM on August 29, 2015 [4 favorites]

"Spend the night in Dildo if you think you've got the time!"

Well, you know what they say: One night in Dildo makes a hard man humble.
posted by Naberius at 4:54 PM on August 29, 2015 [12 favorites]

Edward Penishands?

GOD one time in school I was staggering around the village on a wild variety of substances with an argentinian friend and i can't come up with a plausible reason why we were in a sex shop on st marks place (like it honestly wasnt for sex shop reasons, we would have gone somewhere better) but anyway she saw a copy of this cinematic masterpiece and stared at the title for maybe 5 minutes and then said, aloud but mostly to herself, "edward ... penny-shands?" and then the actual name dawned on her and oh how we laughed
posted by poffin boffin at 5:00 PM on August 29, 2015 [16 favorites]

more dildo, less senate
posted by anothermug at 5:03 PM on August 29, 2015

In Soviet Canada, you spend night in dildo!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:10 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

Actually, it's weird how everybody makes fun of Dildo, Newfoundland, but nobody ever mentions Buttplug, Manitoba.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:18 PM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]

He shakes his daughter's hand as a form of greeting. Start there.

Which is more than he gets at hockey games.
posted by Poldo at 5:28 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

That's spelled "Butteplugue."
posted by RobotHero at 5:29 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Please keep him away from the dildos, or soon Canada's dildos will be no better than America's.

In what way are they qualitatively better pleasure inducing devices? Just curious...you know, idle curiosity...
posted by kjs3 at 5:44 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

They are cleaner and more polite.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:48 PM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]

Colder, maybe. Immerse in warm water first.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:57 PM on August 29, 2015

256: "Is there an adult person who has not touched a dildo?"

Probably lots.

kjs3: "In what way are they qualitatively better pleasure inducing devices?"

We have more beavers.
posted by Mitheral at 6:02 PM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

Please keep him away from the dildos, or soon Canada's dildos will be no better than America's.

In what way are they qualitatively better pleasure inducing devices? Just curious...you know, idle curiosity...

On the contrary, currently it's 1.32015 Canadian Dildos to the American Dildo.

Thanks Harper.
posted by sebastienbailard at 6:28 PM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]

With the rise of the oil rigs pulling young newfoundlanders away from their partners, a significant amount of money was invested in teledildonics, so the Dildo lovers could be together as best they could.

Minor side benefit: the skills gained have helped with remote presence-based surgery. But really, it was dildos.
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:29 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

It would make more sense if he had one in each ear. That would explain his listening skills.
posted by Muncle at 6:30 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

We have more beavers.

They're also for assholes. But I guess that explains the Harper-holding-dildos thing.

Hey yo!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:01 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]

Minor side benefit: the skills gained have helped with remote presence-based surgery. But really, it was dildos.

Seems like the first company to get the whole teledildonics/telesex thing worked out could make a mint
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:08 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

"So you just carry that around, wherever you go? In case a dildo-based argument breaks out?"
posted by argonauta at 8:24 PM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]

I don't get it.

But you have the courage to admit it.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:35 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

I strongly dislike this sort of facile abuse of an electioneering politician. There is so much to hold Harper accountable for, and doing so is infinitely more effective in shaping people's voting decisions. If anything, puerile photoshoppery simply backfires; no one against Harper will become more against him, while those who support him will undoubtedly become more resolute in their intentions.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:38 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

Fair. But to hear Harper in his own words cries out for dildos in his hands.

There are more substantive ways to take him on, to be sure.

But can some of us who have been wounded by the raging homophobia of this asshole and his followers at least not have a laugh at his expense?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:29 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Look - it's merely a lark and not a policy discussion.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:31 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

more dildo, less senate

I'd love to read this in the Hansard:

"Will the Member from Dildo please rise?"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:34 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

In Soviet Canada, you spend night in dildo!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:10 PM on August 29

In Soviet Canada, dildo spend night in you!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:36 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]

Edward Pen is Hands is nothing. Wait until you see the truly grotesque thing, Edward Scissorhands.
posted by Pyrogenesis at 11:01 PM on August 29, 2015

With the rise of the oil rigs pulling young newfoundlanders away from their partners, a significant amount of money was invested in teledildonics, so the Dildo lovers could be together as best they could.


"Teledildonics" has got to be the most awesome linguistic invention of the internet age.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 6:37 AM on August 30, 2015

Puerile and immature, sure.

There are more substantive ways to take him on, to be sure.

I really, really dislike Harper and his policies. He cheated on the last two elections that he won. [Serious question] What can we do to make sure that he does not get elected again?
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 6:50 AM on August 30, 2015

256: "Is there an adult person who has not touched a dildo?"
Probably lots.

My parents certainly.

Please, god.
posted by Mezentian at 7:00 AM on August 30, 2015

There is so much to hold Harper accountable for, and doing so is infinitely more effective in shaping people's voting decisions.

Is it? I mean, don't get me wrong that it would be nice if that were true, but what makes us think it is? Are there data to support the claim that holding politicians to account for their actual failings is more effective than ridicule or mindless, baseless smears?
posted by howfar at 8:37 AM on August 30, 2015

What can we do to make sure that he does not get elected again?

Make sure everyone you know under the age of thirty votes.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:40 AM on August 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

Gee, I wonder if you could get away with doing this with Kathleen Wynne. Or Christy Clark.

Of course not, for really blindingly obvious reasons, and you know it.

#fuckharper
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:50 AM on August 30, 2015

"Teledildonics" has got to be the most awesome linguistic invention of the internet age.

It apparently dates back to 1975!
posted by shakespeherian at 8:54 AM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]

relevant
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:09 AM on August 30, 2015 [2 favorites]

This is the same Stephen Harper who was the subject of a nude portrait [NSFW] a few years ago.

I wonder if the sexual satire is an expression of the fantasies of a certain segment of the population. I don't find him at all attractive, but then I'm not in his age or political bracket. He does have a good head of hair.
posted by mantecol at 10:07 AM on August 30, 2015

He does have a good head of hair.

Lego hair for a man with the emotional range of a Lego man.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:00 AM on August 30, 2015 [4 favorites]

Cause to celebrate: Stephen Harper would quit as PM even if party loses by a seat — Harper makes vow with polls showing the tightest three-way race in decades
posted by davidpriest.ca at 6:39 PM on September 7, 2015

Of course he would rage quit if he doesn't get to be PM.
posted by Mitheral at 8:15 PM on September 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

"Peegate" memes flood twitter
posted by nubs at 8:02 AM on September 8, 2015

From the interview:

Conservative Leader Stephen Harper says he will cease to be prime minister if his party comes a close second in the Oct. 19 election, signalling he will not resort to any procedural tactics to remain in power.

"My position has always been if we win the most seats I will expect to form the government and if we don't, I won't," Harper said.

I have two rather competing feelings that come up after reading this.

One, if you don't have the most seats you don't form the government - that's how the system works, and are we really treating it as big news that a political leader won't resort to "procedural tactics" to hold onto power (which kinda reads like a coup)?

Two, the system allows for minority and collation governments, and I don't think there's anything wrong with them nor do I understand the general distaste and disregard for them that our political elites seem to have. In fact, anything our political elites tend to despise I immediately tend to assume might be good for the country...Having a collation government might be a fantastic way to break the hold the PMO has on everything, for example.
posted by nubs at 8:31 AM on September 8, 2015 [1 favorite]