it's like a weird naked pink egg
September 3, 2015 5:39 AM   Subscribe

 
I suppose really it's the indefinite article that belongs in scare quotes in the video title.
posted by letourneau at 5:47 AM on September 3, 2015 [8 favorites]


IT IS TWO WATERMELONS YOU LIAR

LIAR, LIAR, LIAAAAAARRRRRR
posted by Greg Nog at 5:49 AM on September 3, 2015 [43 favorites]


The odds that I would injure myself doing this are nearly 100%.
posted by schmod at 5:50 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


greg is the ancient booer of this thread
posted by poffin boffin at 5:52 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Bonus points for the Scotch Brite sanding tip.
posted by chavenet at 5:54 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


It's like wasting a ton of food, but for fun!
posted by sonascope at 5:58 AM on September 3, 2015 [9 favorites]


but the attached rind is what makes watermelon a viable outdoor party food. Without the rind, you end up holding the flesh in your grubby hand which has been touching god-knows-what the dog left in the grass this time. Sure you can eat most of a slice no problem, but in the end you're left with a hand full of dirty, sticky, warm disappointment.
posted by logicpunk at 5:59 AM on September 3, 2015 [18 favorites]


You are not wasting anything if you eat the second watermelon of lies.
posted by Dr Dracator at 6:00 AM on September 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


"Hey, kids! I've skinned a watermelon!"
"Neato!"
"Actually, I carved out the insides of one watermelon, then shaved down a second watermelon, and put my hands and Scotch Brite all over the outside of the watermelon with no skin on it, so you can't hold it by anything, and it also has my germy hands and whatever bits of Scotch Brite fell off of it."
"Um."
"So enjoy!"
"We'll take Popsicles."
posted by xingcat at 6:00 AM on September 3, 2015 [33 favorites]


You are not wasting anything if you eat the second watermelon of lies.

Yeah, I don't think they just took the hollowed watermelon's innards and threw it all into the sea or trod on it whilst bellowing LOOK ON MY WORKS YE MIGHTY ETC.
posted by poffin boffin at 6:02 AM on September 3, 2015 [12 favorites]


You are not wasting anything if you eat the second watermelon of lies.

I saw the way that guy hacked off the rind on the sacrificial melon. Ain't no pickles being made from that shredded mess.
posted by sonascope at 6:03 AM on September 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


If you have chickens they will eat the rind, and then you can eat the chickens.
posted by Dr Dracator at 6:03 AM on September 3, 2015 [9 favorites]


IT IS TWO WATERMELONS YOU LIAR

LIAR, LIAR, LIAAAAAARRRRRR


My sentiments exactly. When he got to "First, find two watermelons of similar size", I closed the video in disgust. YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES.

I wanted to see a video about someone actually somehow accomplishing this. I am disappoint.
posted by Fleebnork at 6:03 AM on September 3, 2015 [13 favorites]


in the end you're left with a hand full of dirty, sticky, warm disappointment

Have you been talking to my wife? :(
posted by uncleozzy at 6:05 AM on September 3, 2015 [13 favorites]


I was going to furiously be like "THIS IS LIKE SKINNING AN ANIMAL BY JUST STICKING ANOTHER ANIMAL INSIDE IT" and go on a whole grumpy rant about that

but actually that was a thing

in medieval england they were like "hey you know what looks cool as hell, peacocks. we should serve peacocks at our fancy banquets!"

but the problem is that apparently peacocks taste like shit

just fucking wretched

so what they would do is they would skin a peacock and then throw away the ass, ass peacock meat

then roast a delicious chicken and put that inside the peacock skin

then bring the whole thing out to the table and be like,"LOOK dudes look how pretty this is"

and everyone would ooh and aah but they would get to eat yummy bird instead of shitty peacock

and that's how the host would impress everybody and get hella laid

but today we have skateboard tricks for that
posted by Greg Nog at 6:05 AM on September 3, 2015 [94 favorites]


yes but they also put live birds inside pies and cheered when these lice-riddled winged shit demons flew out of their food
posted by poffin boffin at 6:07 AM on September 3, 2015 [34 favorites]


Ain't no pickles being made from that shredded mess.

Please tell me you regularly go up to people eating watermelon and chastise them for not saving the rinds to eat later
posted by Greg Nog at 6:07 AM on September 3, 2015 [13 favorites]


the food they ate with their mouths
posted by poffin boffin at 6:07 AM on September 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


I like potato salad.

That video is impeccably edited! The chop chop of the knife lines up with the beat of the music!

And now I want a peaducken. Thanks, Greg Nog.
posted by moonmilk at 6:07 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


cheered when these lice-riddled winged shit demons flew out

same
posted by Greg Nog at 6:08 AM on September 3, 2015 [4 favorites]


Though I guess a peaducken is really just a seagulgeon?
posted by moonmilk at 6:11 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


That's awful lot of effort to go for one of the least exciting fruits out there. (Yeah, I hate watermelon. I SAID IT.)
posted by Kitteh at 6:13 AM on September 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


you must now wear this peeled melon rind of shame upon your head
posted by poffin boffin at 6:15 AM on September 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


Watermelon is a negative food; you use up more nutrition eating it than you gain, the time is lost and your overall boredom index goes up instead of down.
posted by Segundus at 6:19 AM on September 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


However, were you to skin a watermelon and a roast chicken popped out - HOW ABOUT THAT, EH?

Or some fat, throbbing, alien grub, all stubby black bristles around a puckered teeth-studded anus of a mouth, which quivered in its own slime for a couple of beats, then threw itself with sudden, explosive force at Uncle before burrowing into his torso as he screamed and thrashed.

But no, what's inside the watermelon? A watermelon.

No achievement unlocked here, bub.
posted by Devonian at 6:21 AM on September 3, 2015 [18 favorites]


you must now wear this peeled melon rind of shame upon your head

Hey, no wasting food!

Watermelon is delicious. Especially when soaked in vodka. Maybe it's vodka I'm thinking of.
posted by moonmilk at 6:22 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Watermelon is a negative food; you use up more nutrition eating it than you gain, the time is lost and your overall boredom index goes up instead of down.

Not so fast -

I am home all day today, facing down having to see a whole parade of people to screen them to be potential new roommates. It is hot, and my air conditioner just died last night. I was getting hungry and there wasn't anything I felt like making.

But then i remembered that there is a whole small watermelon in my fridge from my CSA.

Half of that watermelon was my breakfast this morning, and I ate it standing over the sink so I didn't drip all over the place and I made a mess but THAT WATERMELON WAS SO FUCKING GOOD.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:25 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Watermelon is delicious. Especially when soaked in vodka. Maybe it's vodka I'm thinking of.

When people make watermelon vodka cocktails, or infuse the entire watermelon with vodka, I am always like, "I do not understand why you hate vodka. WHAT DID VODKA DO TO YOU."
posted by Kitteh at 6:28 AM on September 3, 2015


I like watermelon. Not so crazy about vodka. Gin, sure. I bet watermelon would be nice with gin. A little herbal to go with the sweet.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:33 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


That's awful lot of effort to go for one of the least exciting fruits out there

That's not effort. This is effort.
posted by flabdablet at 6:36 AM on September 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


"I do not understand why you hate vodka. WHAT DID VODKA DO TO YOU."

How else are you going to sneak an entire bottle of vodka into a cricket match?
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 6:37 AM on September 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


This Is Just to Say

I have skinned
the watermelon
that was in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for a barbecue

Forgive me
it fit so neatly
inside this other watermelon
I had
posted by chavenet at 6:40 AM on September 3, 2015 [34 favorites]


HIs other video on making a watermelon smoothie is actually quite cool.
It would be better if you poured in some rum whilst you smoothied though.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 7:14 AM on September 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


that is true for almost all things. rum embetters us all.
posted by poffin boffin at 7:20 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


This guy is totally that guy who is at the big family-gathering party and spends all his time hanging out with everyone's kids.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:21 AM on September 3, 2015


Huh. It's a strangely beautiful object.

But I'm pretty sure the people who end up eating it are going to wonder where the little green fibers between their teeth came from.
posted by mondo dentro at 7:33 AM on September 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


the food they ate with their mouths

...if you are lucky
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:33 AM on September 3, 2015


This guy is totally that guy who is at the big family-gathering party and spends all his time hanging out with everyone's kids.

I am aghast at the lack of screenshots of Michael Badalucco in The Man Who Wasn't There available on GIS.
posted by griphus at 7:34 AM on September 3, 2015


MetaFilter: You're left with a hand full of dirty, sticky, warm disappointment
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 7:43 AM on September 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


I just remembered something that happened when I was a kid.

We had a big family picnic at my grandparents' house, and as we were cleaning up after, somehow we overlooked a half of a big watermelon, that was left on the picnic table in the back yard.

And at night, the raccoons came.

In the morning, we found the meat from the half of the watermelon had been very neatly scooped out by lots of little raccoon hands, and there was a small pile of seeds next to the scooped-out rind.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:47 AM on September 3, 2015 [19 favorites]


This watermelon lie is similar to a trick in Penn & Teller's How to Play with Your Food, which I used to read when I was a little kid (this book also taught me that atheism existed). Their trick is you reeeeally carefully peel an orange, keeping the peel as intact as possible, then insert an apple into the empty peel. When in front of your audience you then dramatically rip into the peel, hiding the fact that it had been peeled previously. You nonchalantly eat the apple while denying that you got it out of an orange peel at all. I just now realized that this also taught me how to gaslight people.
posted by heart's ease at 8:00 AM on September 3, 2015 [8 favorites]


1. I fucking really like potato salad.
2. It's kind of cool but also pretty fucking stunty and like - ok food stunts aren't my cup of tea.
3. That guy who always played with everyone's kids? I never understood that guy.
4. Fuck it, I fuckin love watermelon, especially as a salad with a little mint.
posted by From Bklyn at 8:36 AM on September 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


You are not wasting anything if you eat the second watermelon of lies.


In fact, you are disposing of the evidence.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:42 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Be smart from the very beginning.
posted by flabdablet at 10:58 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


"potato salad...which nobody really likes"

LIES
posted by ellieBOA at 11:55 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


Re: wasting a ton of food.

My mother was born in Nebraska in 1929, so I can't so much as eat an apple without wondering if a more moral me would have fished the seeds out and eaten the core and stem.

However: Watermelon in a blender, and then poured through a fine strainer, yields the Olympus-worthy drink that is watermelon juice.

The only waste is the flavorless pulp; about two cups for a big, ripe melon. Compost that. Worms will dine in heaven for about an hour. Not much food wasted.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:17 PM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


the most offensive thing about this video is everyone eating the watermelon without any Tajín
posted by burgerrr at 2:12 PM on September 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


My favorite part is when it descends into ripping chunks of melon out with their bare hands and throwing them at each other. Probably because Uncle brought the insides of the watermelon of lies for a previous dish in this party, and everyone has basically had it up to here with eating watermelon.
posted by egypturnash at 2:29 PM on September 3, 2015


If the first part of this thread doesn't convince everyone that Greg Nog and poffin boffin are the sockpuppets of a single entity then I don't know what will. Nice try with the simultaneous comments at 9:07, but now we know you have two computers.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:49 PM on September 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


I think these surprise egg watermelons would make a great barbecue. Open one, it's full of a pate egg! Another, potato salad molded by plastic wrap! Oooh, maybe some olive loaf. An the shells would make perfect Jello molds.
posted by littlewater at 3:33 PM on September 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


I like watermelon. Not so crazy about vodka. Gin, sure. I bet watermelon would be nice with gin. A little herbal to go with the sweet.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:33 AM on September 3


Here you go. Rosemary watermelon lemonade with gin.
posted by Fig at 3:46 PM on September 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


IAmBroom: "The only waste is the flavorless pulp; about two cups for a big, ripe melon. Compost that."

Alternatively, spoon it into an ice cube tray and make watermelon ice cubes. Use these to chill your watermelon juice.
posted by chavenet at 4:19 PM on September 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Open one, it's full of a pate egg! Another, potato salad molded by plastic wrap! Oooh, maybe some olive loaf.

one should contain a creepily lifelike marzipan baby jesus that you then hungrily devour
posted by poffin boffin at 5:53 PM on September 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


poffin boffin: one should contain a creepily lifelike marzipan baby jesus that you then hungrily devour

Pausing now and then to tap the rhythm on the table and intently hiss 'MY OWN. MARZIPAN. JESUS' while staring unblinking at that one cousin that you can't stand.
posted by pseudonymph at 6:34 PM on September 3, 2015 [6 favorites]


Less fancy, more practical: DaveHax, How to Eat a Watermelon.
posted by Hot Pastrami! at 7:53 PM on September 3, 2015


I skimmed through the video without the sound on. I was very disappointed to see that that watermelon egg WAS NOT filled with delicious potato salad.
posted by conic at 8:35 PM on September 3, 2015


There would be some words if I opened a watermelon and it was filled with potato salad.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 8:59 PM on September 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


Another child of a Depression - era mother here! We would have just eaten the water-melon. Due to living in a city we all would have been very sad about not being able to plant the seeds and grow more watermelon.
However you CAN roast the seeds and end up with a yummy snack. You need a LOT of watermelon seeds to make it worthwhile.
All this other stuff looks like Too Much Fuss,
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 10:19 PM on September 3, 2015 [1 favorite]


The true purpose of watermelon seeds is for spitting them at your younger sibling(s). The advent of seedless watermelons is a crime.
posted by Wretch729 at 6:44 AM on September 4, 2015 [2 favorites]


chavenet: IAmBroom: "The only waste is the flavorless pulp; about two cups for a big, ripe melon. Compost that."

Alternatively, spoon it into an ice cube tray and make watermelon ice cubes. Use these to chill your watermelon juice.


Did you miss the part about the pulp being flavorless? You're essentially dropping frozen paper pulp into your drink.

Ice cubes of pure water are a much better, easier idea.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:15 AM on September 4, 2015


Unless you don't want your drink diluted. They sell little cubes of rock in boutiques in my neighborhood for the express purpose of freezing them and putting them in your overpriced scotch that you don't really enjoy drinking. Watermelon pulp: why not?
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 4:40 PM on September 4, 2015 [1 favorite]


MetaFilter: In the end you're left with a hand full of dirty, sticky, warm disappointment
posted by ostranenie at 7:59 AM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


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