What happens when women propose to men
September 5, 2015 3:17 PM Subscribe
"Reactions to that one simple gesture (a marriage proposal, from a woman) contain sexist multitudes. After all, women are conditioned from an early age—by Disney, their families, the wedding industry—to hope for marriage, but simultaneously discouraged from taking any initiative in making that marriage happen. And men are expected to fear—or at least resist—matrimony. Should they decide they'd like to wed, they're required to spend an enormous amount of financial and emotional capital to create a (preferably public) display of atypically masculine vulnerability and emotionality. The sheer popularity of YouTube proposals complete with flash mobs, tear-y eyed assembled family, and the bride's shocked gasps caught in three angles is a strong indicator of the pedestal upon which we place these stories. With the reverse proposal, all this fanfare is still required, but both partners face the prospect of a lifetime of ribbing and weird comments from strangers..."
The part about getting pizza sounds brilliant to me, I definitely hope we do that.
posted by Wolfdog at 3:32 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Wolfdog at 3:32 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I remember showing somebody the adorable pics of zoomorphic proposing to Optimus Chyme and being deeply disappointed by the tsk-tsking response. They were so cute and it was so sad!
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:40 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Pope Guilty at 3:40 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think a lot of people still subconsciously buy into the narrative that a woman in a straight relationship literally cannot know if the man she is with loves her until he proposes. Patriarchy and advertising want women to be unsure of their relationships. They push men as shameless cheaters who will leave you the second someone younger or skinnier comes along (so you better keep up the beauty maintenance! and don't get lazy with the housework!). Proposals are societal permission to take a break from that and just feel secure in your relationship. That's why strangers act like you won the goddamn Showcase Showdown--it's a big deal if you've been with someone for a year, or three, or five, and you are finally allowed to be confident in his love for you.
So when they hear of a woman proposing to a man, even when he emphatically says Yes!, the first thing they think is how does she even know he loves her??? how arrogant of her to assume!!
posted by almostmanda at 3:53 PM on September 5, 2015 [153 favorites]
So when they hear of a woman proposing to a man, even when he emphatically says Yes!, the first thing they think is how does she even know he loves her??? how arrogant of her to assume!!
posted by almostmanda at 3:53 PM on September 5, 2015 [153 favorites]
"As the institution of marriage changes with a changing society (one that is decreasingly religious, straight, or monogamous, traits that are key tenets of traditional marriage..."
Hate to burst your bubble there but, um, the traditional definition of marriage is that women are property, rape isn't a crime, and polygamy (without mutual consent) is absolutely normal. This is why I always laugh when people cry about the "thousands of years old" sanctity of marriage. This whole monogamy thing, especially among deeply religious cultures, is totally "new" in the grand scheme of things.
posted by trackofalljades at 3:55 PM on September 5, 2015 [24 favorites]
Hate to burst your bubble there but, um, the traditional definition of marriage is that women are property, rape isn't a crime, and polygamy (without mutual consent) is absolutely normal. This is why I always laugh when people cry about the "thousands of years old" sanctity of marriage. This whole monogamy thing, especially among deeply religious cultures, is totally "new" in the grand scheme of things.
posted by trackofalljades at 3:55 PM on September 5, 2015 [24 favorites]
I proposed to my husband on Leap Day. No one thought it was weird or gave either one of us a hard time about it. I assume that's because we're both a little eccentric and I'm bossypants.
The real reason I proposed was that I had never really pictured myself getting married. Once I realized that I didn't just love him, but wanted to MARRY him, I thought I better make sure and do the asking. Then he would know that I wasn't just accepting his offer, but eagerly extending my own.
I feel like it also laid the groundwork for us to pick and choose traditions and roles that worked for us. I took his name, he moved into my house, I do all the cooking, he does the vacuuming, he sends all the birthday and holiday cards and I buy all the wedding and shower gifts.
It saddens me to think that people have all kinds of hang-ups about proposals, but it's only a moment. I would venture that antiquated gender roles in the proposal are not necessarily indicative of many marriages as a whole. Perhaps it is a last gasp of the old ways of getting (and being) married?
posted by annaramma at 4:01 PM on September 5, 2015 [29 favorites]
The real reason I proposed was that I had never really pictured myself getting married. Once I realized that I didn't just love him, but wanted to MARRY him, I thought I better make sure and do the asking. Then he would know that I wasn't just accepting his offer, but eagerly extending my own.
I feel like it also laid the groundwork for us to pick and choose traditions and roles that worked for us. I took his name, he moved into my house, I do all the cooking, he does the vacuuming, he sends all the birthday and holiday cards and I buy all the wedding and shower gifts.
It saddens me to think that people have all kinds of hang-ups about proposals, but it's only a moment. I would venture that antiquated gender roles in the proposal are not necessarily indicative of many marriages as a whole. Perhaps it is a last gasp of the old ways of getting (and being) married?
posted by annaramma at 4:01 PM on September 5, 2015 [29 favorites]
One of The most sucessful marriages in history started with a reverse proposal, a wealthy, widow, who ran her own business proposed to a younger male employee.
This was Kadijah who proposed to Prophet Muhammad before he was famous. She did so because he was honest and made money for her.
They were very happy together until she passed.
'Reverse proposal' should just be 'proposal'
A man who receives a proposal ought not feel he is 'less of a man'. Instead he ought to remember this story! :)
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 4:01 PM on September 5, 2015 [72 favorites]
This was Kadijah who proposed to Prophet Muhammad before he was famous. She did so because he was honest and made money for her.
They were very happy together until she passed.
'Reverse proposal' should just be 'proposal'
A man who receives a proposal ought not feel he is 'less of a man'. Instead he ought to remember this story! :)
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 4:01 PM on September 5, 2015 [72 favorites]
My husband and I had what you would consider a "mutual proposal" sort of a mix. We knew we wanted to get married and talked about it openly, we just weren't sure when or how (money and school and jobs, etc.) I was still in college, too. So, when I accidentally found my wedding dress, I asked if we could move the wedding up and get something set in stone so I could buy the dress (an ivory cocktail dress from the prom section at a department store.) He was a bit flustered, but said yes. We then made plans and looked at rings, ultimately I decided on the ring and knew when it would arrive. He technically then officially proposed the day the ring came in the mail on our floor covered in fall leaves that needed to be vacuumed up. I still joke about the leafy carpet.
Going through this, and my untraditional, small courthouse wedding definitely has lead to weird conversations.
When I was filling out my graduation sheet the semester before I graduated, you have to fill out the name you want on the diploma. We were planning to get married a month before graduation so I wondered aloud what last name I should put. My classmate kind of answered looking down at my finger and not seeing a ring yet. I let her know that I had a dress and a date set but at the same time since it was informal that it could move until after graduation. She seemed super nervous, especially since I didn't have a ring and said something along the lines of "You never know so you should put your maiden name on it just in case it doesn't happen." I did put my maiden name on it and now I regret it because we did get married on time and now it feels weird. Her response was very odd too, like our relationship didn't count because I didn't have a hunk of metal and stone on my finger.
I also constantly got questions of "Oh how'd he ask you?!" only for people to be disappointed when I said, "Well we decided a while back to get married and I found my dress so really this was just us finally getting a ring." They often had a sad look for some reason, when I actually think it's pretty beautiful that we could be on the same page about it.
posted by Crystalinne at 4:12 PM on September 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
Going through this, and my untraditional, small courthouse wedding definitely has lead to weird conversations.
When I was filling out my graduation sheet the semester before I graduated, you have to fill out the name you want on the diploma. We were planning to get married a month before graduation so I wondered aloud what last name I should put. My classmate kind of answered looking down at my finger and not seeing a ring yet. I let her know that I had a dress and a date set but at the same time since it was informal that it could move until after graduation. She seemed super nervous, especially since I didn't have a ring and said something along the lines of "You never know so you should put your maiden name on it just in case it doesn't happen." I did put my maiden name on it and now I regret it because we did get married on time and now it feels weird. Her response was very odd too, like our relationship didn't count because I didn't have a hunk of metal and stone on my finger.
I also constantly got questions of "Oh how'd he ask you?!" only for people to be disappointed when I said, "Well we decided a while back to get married and I found my dress so really this was just us finally getting a ring." They often had a sad look for some reason, when I actually think it's pretty beautiful that we could be on the same page about it.
posted by Crystalinne at 4:12 PM on September 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
Bah! to the traditionalists. Our marriage is still going strong despite being initiated by a "reverse proposal".
it's been nearly a week!
honeymoon mefi session right here wooooo
posted by tss at 4:15 PM on September 5, 2015 [106 favorites]
it's been nearly a week!
honeymoon mefi session right here wooooo
posted by tss at 4:15 PM on September 5, 2015 [106 favorites]
I think technically I proposed? We were at dinner talking about plans for the year, mainly what sort of vacations we wanted to take, and I said, and I think we should get married. And he said, what? And I said, you heard me. Seven years and two children later, we're doing alright.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:22 PM on September 5, 2015 [31 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:22 PM on September 5, 2015 [31 favorites]
I don't blame any person who would prefer proposing to receiving a proposal. Surprising someone (or even just planning something wonderful) is a lot more fun then being on the other end, IMO.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:33 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:33 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
My fiancee and I were chatting in the car on the way back from something one night, and somehow it came up that we'd both been thinking about getting married. We decided that sounded like a great idea! Then a few months later her mom came to visit and gave me a ring to give to her, in front of both of us, which was awkward. But hey, now she has a ring!
I actually like hearing peoples' stories here - for a while it felt like we'd done it in some unromantic way, or something, when the reality was just the opposite. You get so conditioned for it to look a certain way that it can feel like you're doing something wrong if it looks at all different.
posted by teponaztli at 4:35 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I actually like hearing peoples' stories here - for a while it felt like we'd done it in some unromantic way, or something, when the reality was just the opposite. You get so conditioned for it to look a certain way that it can feel like you're doing something wrong if it looks at all different.
posted by teponaztli at 4:35 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
We have been lying to our families for thirteen years about how my husband supposedly proposed to me, because the truth is that we took some ecstasy and one of us said, "if anyone should be married, it's us!" and then we got out a big sheet of posterboard and started making a guest list. Still going strong!
posted by something something at 4:39 PM on September 5, 2015 [133 favorites]
posted by something something at 4:39 PM on September 5, 2015 [133 favorites]
According to a friend's Facebook announcement, she and her guy (they had been living together awhile, I think) were sitting on the couch playing videogames, and she said, "You wanna get married?" and he said, "Sure." They kept on playing.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 4:40 PM on September 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by Mister Moofoo at 4:40 PM on September 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
Patriarchy and advertising want women to be unsure of their relationships. They push men as shameless cheaters who will leave you the second someone younger or skinnier comes along (so you better keep up the beauty maintenance! and don't get lazy with the housework!).
True, but patriarchy and advertising also push the narrative that straight men are supposed to make a grand gesture of sweeping a lady off her feet in the animalistic ritual of the proposal, that he must spend one month's salary (or two or three) on a shiny rock, and that he must have enough wealth and status and charisma to win over the object of his desire -- all of which is in complete contradiction with the other narrative that straight men are incredibly lazy and will gladly accept any offer of boobs.
I think a LOT of men would gladly forego the former for the latter. Besides, it'd be in many cases more of an ego-stroke than an emasculation to have the woman spontaneously confirm his worthiness rather than merely declare his courtship display satisfactory. Plus, marriage is itself a status symbol, so it's a leg up for him any which way you dice it.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:40 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
True, but patriarchy and advertising also push the narrative that straight men are supposed to make a grand gesture of sweeping a lady off her feet in the animalistic ritual of the proposal, that he must spend one month's salary (or two or three) on a shiny rock, and that he must have enough wealth and status and charisma to win over the object of his desire -- all of which is in complete contradiction with the other narrative that straight men are incredibly lazy and will gladly accept any offer of boobs.
I think a LOT of men would gladly forego the former for the latter. Besides, it'd be in many cases more of an ego-stroke than an emasculation to have the woman spontaneously confirm his worthiness rather than merely declare his courtship display satisfactory. Plus, marriage is itself a status symbol, so it's a leg up for him any which way you dice it.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:40 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
If I had proposed to my wife in front of an audience or put it on YouTube she would have punched me in the face.
posted by grumpybear69 at 4:47 PM on September 5, 2015 [43 favorites]
posted by grumpybear69 at 4:47 PM on September 5, 2015 [43 favorites]
> or put it on YouTube
I bet that would have gotten a lot of views.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 4:49 PM on September 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
I bet that would have gotten a lot of views.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 4:49 PM on September 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
It boggles my mind that couples make any kind of mystery about this. I can understand planning some sort of surprise romantic date to "officially" get engaged, but how could you do that if you hadn't already discussed marriage and basically agreed you both wanted to do get married and agreed about how soon you wanted to do it?
posted by straight at 4:57 PM on September 5, 2015 [25 favorites]
posted by straight at 4:57 PM on September 5, 2015 [25 favorites]
I know some people who just got married after almost 6 years of dating. They're so well matched, everyone was expecting to hear news of a proposal 3 years ago!
I'm not close to them so this is just speculation, but I think what happened is that while she is the one who typically takes charge of planning events and he happily goes along for the ride, they both wanted a "traditional" proposal. And whether or not they had a conversation about this mutual desire, it took him a couple years to get his act together on that perfect proposal. In the meantime, they got front row seats to dozens of friends' weddings. From the photos, the eventual proposal did look super romantic. I just hope the tension of those limbo years didn't do damage to the relationship.
posted by mantecol at 5:00 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm not close to them so this is just speculation, but I think what happened is that while she is the one who typically takes charge of planning events and he happily goes along for the ride, they both wanted a "traditional" proposal. And whether or not they had a conversation about this mutual desire, it took him a couple years to get his act together on that perfect proposal. In the meantime, they got front row seats to dozens of friends' weddings. From the photos, the eventual proposal did look super romantic. I just hope the tension of those limbo years didn't do damage to the relationship.
posted by mantecol at 5:00 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I cohabited for three years with the woman who would become my wife before we got married. Somewhere along the line one of us (I swear I don't remember who) offhandedly mentioned in conversation that we should probably get married at some point and the other one casually agreed, and that was that. A few weeks later, after neither of us had expressed any second thoughts, we were both of a mind to just get the necessary paperwork signed and be done with it, and only THEN tell our families. Fortunately our friends talked us out of that route. But we did manage to give our families only token last-minute notice so neither side had a chance to much more than get there and concede to our extremely simple plans. Piece'a cake.
But based on the rigamarole most of our various friends were actively thrilled to go through to get married (I got dragooned into participating and had to wear a damn tux three damn times, curse their hides), I gather we were what you'd call "outliers".
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:15 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
But based on the rigamarole most of our various friends were actively thrilled to go through to get married (I got dragooned into participating and had to wear a damn tux three damn times, curse their hides), I gather we were what you'd call "outliers".
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:15 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
We mutually proposed in bed, shopped for the engagement ring together, and then put on a faux proposal for my family.
As part of our giddy silly family day, my soon-to-be husband went to ask my father for my hand in marriage. My father could be heard throughout the house booming "well have you asked her what she thinks? She's a feminist, she might not like the whole ring idea."
In my circles that was a way more appropriate response. I dunno, with flash mobs etc. I really feel for the kids these days.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:39 PM on September 5, 2015 [30 favorites]
As part of our giddy silly family day, my soon-to-be husband went to ask my father for my hand in marriage. My father could be heard throughout the house booming "well have you asked her what she thinks? She's a feminist, she might not like the whole ring idea."
In my circles that was a way more appropriate response. I dunno, with flash mobs etc. I really feel for the kids these days.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:39 PM on September 5, 2015 [30 favorites]
So, I met this awesome woman, and we had what I suppose was an unusual relationship, slept together on the first date, she continued to date others.
Two weeks later she demanded I take a key to her apartment. I was afraid we were moving too fast and would be out on my ass in days.
One day some months later, we were visiting my grandparents, and wandered over to the local thrift store, where they had the most awesome tux for $20 bucks. I SO wanted to buy it, and after a small amount of arguing, decided to. On our way back to the grans, she was griefing me over a small pile of things and out slipped "AND when are you going to ask me to marry you?" I thought a minute about what I was waiting for and couldn't come up with an excuse, so I asked her. In front of the 7-11. She started to cry, said yes and then kissed me in a most awesomely sexy way. The manager of the 7-11 came out and yelled at us and said she had called the cops.This was met with much laughter from us, as we were both in our late 20's and not likely to be mistaken for teens. My grans were the first to know.
posted by evilDoug at 5:41 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
Two weeks later she demanded I take a key to her apartment. I was afraid we were moving too fast and would be out on my ass in days.
One day some months later, we were visiting my grandparents, and wandered over to the local thrift store, where they had the most awesome tux for $20 bucks. I SO wanted to buy it, and after a small amount of arguing, decided to. On our way back to the grans, she was griefing me over a small pile of things and out slipped "AND when are you going to ask me to marry you?" I thought a minute about what I was waiting for and couldn't come up with an excuse, so I asked her. In front of the 7-11. She started to cry, said yes and then kissed me in a most awesomely sexy way. The manager of the 7-11 came out and yelled at us and said she had called the cops.This was met with much laughter from us, as we were both in our late 20's and not likely to be mistaken for teens. My grans were the first to know.
posted by evilDoug at 5:41 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
Today as I was working on the ongoing renovation of one of the bedrooms in my house and thinking about the single bed I need to buy for it, I happened to flash back to a particularly obnoxious piece of advice from The Rules, which I read in my early twenties because a friend of mine was really into it and urged me to. The authors relate an anecdote about a woman who was hoping to marry her boyfriend soonish and also needed a new bed. As a dutiful Rules adherent, who is supposed to act like marriage is the last thing on her mind, the woman bought a single bed even though if they were to get married soon she would then need to buy a double. Excuse me while I try to unroll my eyes. If her boyfriend was the kind of man who would have decided he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her because she was planning ahead for life with him (or simply wanted to be able to stretch out at night), was he worth marrying? If she was acting out some ridiculous charade instead of being honest about what she wanted and needed, was she?
All these stories about real proposals are such an antidote to that thought, thank you. It doesn't matter who proposes to who, or how it happens. It's the level of mutual commitment to and enthusiasm for the idea once proposed that matters.
posted by orange swan at 5:53 PM on September 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
All these stories about real proposals are such an antidote to that thought, thank you. It doesn't matter who proposes to who, or how it happens. It's the level of mutual commitment to and enthusiasm for the idea once proposed that matters.
posted by orange swan at 5:53 PM on September 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
Neither of us proposed to each other, we were already domestic partners, and one evening at dinner at that German place near BAM that changed its name so I can never remember it (and they serve beer in vast flagons as beer should be served so I often forget many things when I am there) she mentioned that she was unopposed to the idea of marriage (she was already stuck with me at that point, the paperwork to get un-domesticated woulda been like 35 bucks. No way she's gonna waste that kinda cash, practicality and frugality are two of her many virtues,and besides I bought her a merry-go round ride after we filled the paperwork out at the courthouse. Done and done.) I think the whole gay marriage becoming more and more legal thing removed her objections to the institution of marriage as a whole and I was like "my mom likes making dresses, send her your measurements she'll make you something awesome" (which she did and it was) and then we had currywurst.
We ended up getting married in the chapel in Green-Wood cemetery which is beautiful and cheap as hell to rent out, basically in our back yard and also it's where those pitchfork 'Cemetery Gates' concert videos were filmed, though I only realized that much later after watching this and recognizing the angel on the left hand side, since I was standing by him during the ceremony. Also they let us rent out the trolley they use for giving tours, and really, who doesn't like a good trolley ride? We had a brief moment of panic when the accordionist from the ensemble I played in at the time who had agreed to play for us was going to be out of the country, but all experimental/traditional accordionists know each other so he was able to get Hannah Temple, the accordionist for Rude Mechanical Orchestra to fill in and fill the chapel with a mix of polish folk songs (my bride's family is from Poland so her Grandmother especially appreciated those), klezmer and tango. (She was/is/and always shall be an unstoppable music machine. When we paid her and thanked her for playing her ass off the whole time she laughed and said it was the easiest gig she ever played, she got to sit down instead of march and no one unleashed hounds upon her, she's used to having to deal with tear gas and riot cops as part of RMO. From weddings and B'nai/B'not Mitzvah to protests and riots, she does it all. Later I had the privilege of performing with her as part of the last Skytime performance/happening/event/thing with Pauline Oliveros before Elaine Summers died. Highly recommended for all your accordion needs. ) My bride's friends read poems we chose, and we read part of the Song of Songs, alternating lines, and her best friend from college who is a pagan priestess of some sort, and legally empowered by the city and state of New York to do so (and the power of our check clearing the bank which is I think the only thing City and State on New York really gives a damn about in these matters), pronounced us married.
At the end when we were starting to pack things up a bunch of elderly ladies and gentlemen who were on a tour of the cemetery peered in the chapel and I invited them to join us since we had all these leftover sandwiches and cupcakes that Baked in Brooklyn made for us and delivered super cheap since they are literally across the street, and there are limits to how many sandwiches and cupcakes even *I* can eat (including a large amount of cold beer that they were happy to help up take care of since they had been hiking around on a warm summer's day and were quite parched and nothing is as refreshing as free beer) which they enjoyed and gave us their advice, which we listened to carefully and strive to heed every day and their blessings, which apparently worked because we're still married.
posted by Perfectibilist at 5:54 PM on September 5, 2015 [21 favorites]
We ended up getting married in the chapel in Green-Wood cemetery which is beautiful and cheap as hell to rent out, basically in our back yard and also it's where those pitchfork 'Cemetery Gates' concert videos were filmed, though I only realized that much later after watching this and recognizing the angel on the left hand side, since I was standing by him during the ceremony. Also they let us rent out the trolley they use for giving tours, and really, who doesn't like a good trolley ride? We had a brief moment of panic when the accordionist from the ensemble I played in at the time who had agreed to play for us was going to be out of the country, but all experimental/traditional accordionists know each other so he was able to get Hannah Temple, the accordionist for Rude Mechanical Orchestra to fill in and fill the chapel with a mix of polish folk songs (my bride's family is from Poland so her Grandmother especially appreciated those), klezmer and tango. (She was/is/and always shall be an unstoppable music machine. When we paid her and thanked her for playing her ass off the whole time she laughed and said it was the easiest gig she ever played, she got to sit down instead of march and no one unleashed hounds upon her, she's used to having to deal with tear gas and riot cops as part of RMO. From weddings and B'nai/B'not Mitzvah to protests and riots, she does it all. Later I had the privilege of performing with her as part of the last Skytime performance/happening/event/thing with Pauline Oliveros before Elaine Summers died. Highly recommended for all your accordion needs. ) My bride's friends read poems we chose, and we read part of the Song of Songs, alternating lines, and her best friend from college who is a pagan priestess of some sort, and legally empowered by the city and state of New York to do so (and the power of our check clearing the bank which is I think the only thing City and State on New York really gives a damn about in these matters), pronounced us married.
At the end when we were starting to pack things up a bunch of elderly ladies and gentlemen who were on a tour of the cemetery peered in the chapel and I invited them to join us since we had all these leftover sandwiches and cupcakes that Baked in Brooklyn made for us and delivered super cheap since they are literally across the street, and there are limits to how many sandwiches and cupcakes even *I* can eat (including a large amount of cold beer that they were happy to help up take care of since they had been hiking around on a warm summer's day and were quite parched and nothing is as refreshing as free beer) which they enjoyed and gave us their advice, which we listened to carefully and strive to heed every day and their blessings, which apparently worked because we're still married.
posted by Perfectibilist at 5:54 PM on September 5, 2015 [21 favorites]
I proposed to my wife the first time with a bowl of Caesar salad. Gay marriage wasn't actually legal though, so when a couple of years later we first heard the news that it was, we looked at each other and said "Let's get married!" "Yes! Thursday?" "Perfect!" We eloped, went for sandwiches after, and we're now twelve years and two kids down the road.
posted by arcticwoman at 5:54 PM on September 5, 2015 [24 favorites]
posted by arcticwoman at 5:54 PM on September 5, 2015 [24 favorites]
Zoomorphic/Optimus Chyme engagement made the Grey!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:58 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:58 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Making a big deal of proposing in public seems like an awful, awful, horrible idea to me.
Of course, so does spending more than a few hundred dollars on a wedding, so you can tell who the big romantic in the house is. Getting married in Vegas by a guy in an Elvis jumpsuit is easily your best memorable wedding value.
posted by LastOfHisKind at 5:58 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Of course, so does spending more than a few hundred dollars on a wedding, so you can tell who the big romantic in the house is. Getting married in Vegas by a guy in an Elvis jumpsuit is easily your best memorable wedding value.
posted by LastOfHisKind at 5:58 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
which is all a round about way of saying "we took the parts of the marriage ceremony and traditions that surrounded it which worked for us (since we were the ones getting married) very seriously (though made certain they were fun for us and our guests) and added new ones where the old ones were lacking, and discarded the ones that were unnecessary, especially the whole weird psychodrama around a proposal" .
posted by Perfectibilist at 6:20 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Perfectibilist at 6:20 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
We didn't reverse-propose, but it was very nonstandard. I had lived with my now-wife for over 20 years and we were quite comfortable with things but one year my company changed health insurance providers, and suddenly it would be much cheaper for us to be married on my company plan than for her to continue to buy it on the open market. I brought the price pamphlet home, dropped it on the desk in front of her, and said "It might be time."
There are other reasons and we'd probably have done it by now anyway even if the ACA had been in place, but it was just a business arrangement. Before we got married when people would ask when we were going to get married, we both liked to say "We have a perfectly good relationship, why should we let the government fuck it up?" Turns out the answer is healthcare. And inheritance. And taxes. And a few other things you can't get through normal contract law.
posted by Bringer Tom at 6:21 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
There are other reasons and we'd probably have done it by now anyway even if the ACA had been in place, but it was just a business arrangement. Before we got married when people would ask when we were going to get married, we both liked to say "We have a perfectly good relationship, why should we let the government fuck it up?" Turns out the answer is healthcare. And inheritance. And taxes. And a few other things you can't get through normal contract law.
posted by Bringer Tom at 6:21 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
I wrote my then-boyfriend a letter in which I laid out the tax and visa advantages of being married, and included a few soppy bits about how much I loved him, and stuffed it in his pocket when he was on his way to the airport for an overseas trip, where he would have plenty of time alone to consider the idea.
We are still married now, 13 years later. I don't think either of us feels cheated about how having a society-approved public proposal. But I sometimes feel a little awkward saying we got married for tax reasons. (But seriously, we got 20,000 euro back in tax each year that we wouldn't have otherwise. Good god, we should have gotten married years before.)
I saw a proposal happen at my local supermarket a couple of days ago. The lights dimmed and romantic music started playing, and a guy in a tux and a woman in an evening gown walked in with flowers and balloons and had a Moment and then kissed passionately and everyone cheered. I still don't know exactly how it worked since they were both prepared and dressed up, and had clearly planned it, but whatever. The person on the checkout said they had first met at the supermarket, so that was... Romantic, I guess.
posted by lollusc at 6:35 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
We are still married now, 13 years later. I don't think either of us feels cheated about how having a society-approved public proposal. But I sometimes feel a little awkward saying we got married for tax reasons. (But seriously, we got 20,000 euro back in tax each year that we wouldn't have otherwise. Good god, we should have gotten married years before.)
I saw a proposal happen at my local supermarket a couple of days ago. The lights dimmed and romantic music started playing, and a guy in a tux and a woman in an evening gown walked in with flowers and balloons and had a Moment and then kissed passionately and everyone cheered. I still don't know exactly how it worked since they were both prepared and dressed up, and had clearly planned it, but whatever. The person on the checkout said they had first met at the supermarket, so that was... Romantic, I guess.
posted by lollusc at 6:35 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
> and everyone cheered
Oh, it all makes sense now. Public proposals are a hazing ritual to reinforce loyalty!
posted by I-Write-Essays at 6:43 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
Oh, it all makes sense now. Public proposals are a hazing ritual to reinforce loyalty!
posted by I-Write-Essays at 6:43 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
At some point I said to my boyfriend at the time, "So, you want to get married or what?" "Sure, I guess," he said, or something like that. No engagement ring. Wedding on the cheap, reception at my grandmother's place, uncle took black-and-white photos and processed them himself. Didn't change my name when I got married, didn't see the point. We've been married 39 years as of last May.
posted by Peach at 6:48 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Peach at 6:48 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's not a "reverse proposal" because a woman proposes to a man. It's a proposal of marriage. JFC. #iblamethepatriarchy
posted by immlass at 6:53 PM on September 5, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by immlass at 6:53 PM on September 5, 2015 [28 favorites]
I told my husband that if he tried to do some splashy public surprise proposal I would say no. We already planned to get married so the proposal was a formality anyway, but I hate surprises and being the center of attention, and I didn't want him to start our engagement with that sort of spectacle. He took me on a trip to a surprise destination (my concession to surprise) and we proposed at midnight on new year's eve. We both brought rings. Celebrated our seventh anniversary last weekend.
posted by town of cats at 6:54 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by town of cats at 6:54 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I needed a green card. We sat in the couch and discussed it, and made a practical decision. We don't even remember who brought it up. We got a simple ring on a street market and an appointment with an immigration lawyer. I was happy to tell the story to friends and family when they asked, not knowing it would seem unromantic or disappointing, until I later learned how intense the whole proposal thing was in the US. I had no idea, I thought the get-down-on-one-knee thing only happened in movies.
posted by papalotl at 6:55 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by papalotl at 6:55 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Might be better for the kid in some ways if it's legitimate."
"Yeah, fair enough"
posted by Segundus at 6:56 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Yeah, fair enough"
posted by Segundus at 6:56 PM on September 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
With the reverse proposal, all this fanfare is still required, but both partners face the prospect of a lifetime of ribbing and weird comments from strangers
I am 45 and have been married for 14 years, and I don't recall ever discussing our proposal with strangers. Maybe in AskMe, in context. Maybe these couples are being ribbed because they bring the topic up to strangers, which is a weird, attention-seeking thing to do.
posted by gingerest at 7:05 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am 45 and have been married for 14 years, and I don't recall ever discussing our proposal with strangers. Maybe in AskMe, in context. Maybe these couples are being ribbed because they bring the topic up to strangers, which is a weird, attention-seeking thing to do.
posted by gingerest at 7:05 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
My now-wife asked me, and I said yes. There were no fancy dinners, diamond ring, family, photographers, or other fanfare involved. A while later she gave me a ring, and a while after that I gave one to her (both plain silver rings, no diamonds). We recently celebrated thirteenth lucky years of marriage (like lollusc and something something, above)!
posted by mbrubeck at 7:10 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mbrubeck at 7:10 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've been married about 13 years and our proposal was pretty non-standard. We got really drunk in a bar a friend was working at at started talking about how funny it would be to get married. Then we decided to get engaged and both signed a cocktail napkin with our bartender friend witnessing it.
That napkin is still hanging on our fridge.
posted by lumpenprole at 7:16 PM on September 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
That napkin is still hanging on our fridge.
posted by lumpenprole at 7:16 PM on September 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
I did the whole public proposal in front of friends and chosen family, but I did it because I knew that was what she wanted. We had been friends for five years, a couple for two, and I had heard all about her first marriage, and how she ached for the rituals that she had grown up expecting but did not get with her husband.
We had been talking about marriage since the second day we were a couple - both of us were very clear early on that this was what both of us wanted long term. Still, life being what it is, I gave it a couple of years so we could both be solidly sure past the NRE, and then got down on one knee at that year's Yule party.
Because I was afab and have not transitioned, the marriage was not legal, of course. So this year on the same date of our ceremony, we will traipse into the courthouse next county over, and get the legal sanction for the marriage that has been true and real for 13 years now. There was no question about whether we would legalize our marriage, just when, and we decided we want to honor the day we will forever consider to be our wedding day.
posted by Vigilant at 7:23 PM on September 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
We had been talking about marriage since the second day we were a couple - both of us were very clear early on that this was what both of us wanted long term. Still, life being what it is, I gave it a couple of years so we could both be solidly sure past the NRE, and then got down on one knee at that year's Yule party.
Because I was afab and have not transitioned, the marriage was not legal, of course. So this year on the same date of our ceremony, we will traipse into the courthouse next county over, and get the legal sanction for the marriage that has been true and real for 13 years now. There was no question about whether we would legalize our marriage, just when, and we decided we want to honor the day we will forever consider to be our wedding day.
posted by Vigilant at 7:23 PM on September 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
I don't understand ostentatious, public, look-at-me proposals and they seem like a recent (internet-fueled) phenomenon. Deciding to get married seems like such a complicated, personal decision that I just don't get doing it with a flash mob or choreography or a mariachi band. Until the past few years, I actually thought proposals were something that only happened in movies because wouldn't you want to discuss that?
posted by Mavri at 7:57 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Mavri at 7:57 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I bought a genuine medieval ring, which you can do for around $100 if you don't mind it being probably too high in lead content to wear. Then I left it in a box in my sock drawer for a while, while I pondered whether I was really going to propose, and if so, when. (This is traditional, right?)
Meanwhile, my boyfriend and I drove a few hours south to visit my parents. On Sunday morning, he rolled over in bed & asked me to marry him. I claimed I had to think about it, because I wanted to be the one proposing.
We drove home tiredly & went out for Thai food. I produced the ring and asked my boyfriend to marry me. He said "Yes" with some sarcasm in his tone.
posted by yarntheory at 7:59 PM on September 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
Meanwhile, my boyfriend and I drove a few hours south to visit my parents. On Sunday morning, he rolled over in bed & asked me to marry him. I claimed I had to think about it, because I wanted to be the one proposing.
We drove home tiredly & went out for Thai food. I produced the ring and asked my boyfriend to marry me. He said "Yes" with some sarcasm in his tone.
posted by yarntheory at 7:59 PM on September 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
I know some people who just got married after almost 6 years of dating. They're so well matched, everyone was expecting to hear news of a proposal 3 years ago!
My husband and I were together 7 years before marrying. It never occurred to me to wonder about what other people thought about it. He proposed in front of my family and we got married with family and friends. We talked openly about marriage for a long time, and the reason we didn't do it earlier had to do with money and the fact that in 2009 we both lost our jobs at different times for recession-related reasons and took some time to get our shit back together. I don't think it damaged our marriage to wait. If anything, it made us more certain, and more relaxed and happy, when the day came.
posted by Miko at 8:00 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
My husband and I were together 7 years before marrying. It never occurred to me to wonder about what other people thought about it. He proposed in front of my family and we got married with family and friends. We talked openly about marriage for a long time, and the reason we didn't do it earlier had to do with money and the fact that in 2009 we both lost our jobs at different times for recession-related reasons and took some time to get our shit back together. I don't think it damaged our marriage to wait. If anything, it made us more certain, and more relaxed and happy, when the day came.
posted by Miko at 8:00 PM on September 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
We decided together while lying in bed talking. Then we picked a date because it was between our parents' anniversaries (his are married 45 years, mine 41 this year.)
When my ring came in, I made him actually say, "will you marry me?"
Almost 17 years later still married and didn't need the big deal proposal. I don't understand them at all.
posted by SuzySmith at 8:10 PM on September 5, 2015
When my ring came in, I made him actually say, "will you marry me?"
Almost 17 years later still married and didn't need the big deal proposal. I don't understand them at all.
posted by SuzySmith at 8:10 PM on September 5, 2015
The emphasis on the proposal seems really, really contrived, trying to live your life like a 50s hollywood movie or an Edwardian novel. I can't imagine 'popping the question'. Getting married takes 2 people, from the get go.
posted by signal at 8:14 PM on September 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by signal at 8:14 PM on September 5, 2015 [7 favorites]
isn't a reverse proposal just a breakup?
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:30 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:30 PM on September 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
my husband asked me to marry on our 3rd date.
We didn't.
He was going through a horrific divorce from an unstable partner. Our 3rd date never ended.
Never the less my father and his wife strongly disliked of my boyfriend.
so I created a spread sheet jam packed with pluses and minuses regarding our potential marriage.
I presented it to the Parents and my Boyfriend : Tax Benefits/Health Care Benefits/Child custody benefit/being Disowned benefit (/jk)...
My boyfriend stopped me in my tracks by saying, "I'd like it to be because we love each other."
I dropped to my knees and proposed. into our 13th year now, this may not be a 'reverse proposal' but rather the best heartfelt proposal I ever made.
posted by Twist at 8:42 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
We didn't.
He was going through a horrific divorce from an unstable partner. Our 3rd date never ended.
Never the less my father and his wife strongly disliked of my boyfriend.
so I created a spread sheet jam packed with pluses and minuses regarding our potential marriage.
I presented it to the Parents and my Boyfriend : Tax Benefits/Health Care Benefits/Child custody benefit/being Disowned benefit (/jk)...
My boyfriend stopped me in my tracks by saying, "I'd like it to be because we love each other."
I dropped to my knees and proposed. into our 13th year now, this may not be a 'reverse proposal' but rather the best heartfelt proposal I ever made.
posted by Twist at 8:42 PM on September 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think my wife might have reverse proposed by saying "I think we should do the wedding thing, our parents would appreciate it." (In contrast to never getting married, which could also have happened since we're both kinda odd). I followed this up a few months later with a brief forward-proposal at the close of her first half marathon (romantic pull-quote: "get away! I can't breathe!")
Of course, if I had known how glorious marriage would be (yes, it's a bourgeois social construct, but so is having a job and I do that too), I would have forward-proposed half a year sooner.
posted by ftm at 8:47 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Of course, if I had known how glorious marriage would be (yes, it's a bourgeois social construct, but so is having a job and I do that too), I would have forward-proposed half a year sooner.
posted by ftm at 8:47 PM on September 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I did not reverse-propose, but did not get any kind of "real" proposal. "I wish I could marry you!" sort of burst out of him, and I said "did you just propose?" and he said ".....yes?"
We'd only been dating three months so I offered to let him out of it if he didn't mean to do it. He refused. So I insisted we be engaged at least a year. It didn't make any difference. I never got an engagement ring. Neither of us likes jewelry and so we don't usually wear our wedding rings either.
It's been 18 years. I still occasionally offer to let him out of it. I like seeing him roll his eyes at me.
posted by emjaybee at 9:18 PM on September 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
We'd only been dating three months so I offered to let him out of it if he didn't mean to do it. He refused. So I insisted we be engaged at least a year. It didn't make any difference. I never got an engagement ring. Neither of us likes jewelry and so we don't usually wear our wedding rings either.
It's been 18 years. I still occasionally offer to let him out of it. I like seeing him roll his eyes at me.
posted by emjaybee at 9:18 PM on September 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
the rock has not yet responded to any of my proposals but in the event that he does i will update this post
posted by poffin boffin at 9:47 PM on September 5, 2015 [34 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 9:47 PM on September 5, 2015 [34 favorites]
So it was 1990. We were in school, in our early 20's. We were all "we don't need a piece of paper to prove our love" and just about to move in together into a shitty apartment in downtown Toronto. My mom always reminds me that when I told her we were moving in together and she expressed disapproval that I said, "oh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you." Man, I was a dick about it.
We were always saying "what's the difference if we're married or not?" and it slowly started to evolve into "well, yeah, so what's the difference? Why not get married?" I started thinking of a not-lame way I could ask her, but she was already thinking the same thing.
I remember we were driving up Avenue Rd. and we were trying to figure out our whole new apartment, not-thrilled-parents, married/not-married situation and she said "well maybe we should just get married." I was taken aback, not because she asked, but because I thought it wasn't supposed to happen like this: in a late '80's Suzuki Sidekick, driving northbound on one of the main Toronto rush hour routes in late afternoon.
I expressed my hesitation at how we couldn't get engaged in the car, in traffic, but we talked about the practicality of it and we started growing on the idea, hashing it out in what seemed more like a happy agreement than a proposal at the time, but we had to pick up our friend because we were going out that night to see The Jolly Boys at El Convento Rico (latin drag bar on College St. that also sometimes has bands) and he was coming with us.
Once we were at the bar and having drinks we told our friend that we were officially engaged and we all got really happy and into it and our friend called up to the Jolly Boys onstage and they proceeded to play "She Wears My Ring" which is kind of a creepy song but we got into the irony of it and the fact that the fucking Jolly Boys were playing a song for us. And then we realized there was no engagement ring...this is where my memory gets hazy...either my (now) wife had one or our friend did...but it didn't fit me so our friend put it on and it forever became the joke that he was also engaged to us.
2-year engagement, married July 24, 1993.
Just dropped kid number #1 off at University in another province last week and I'm kind of having a hard time with it.
Never told this before. It's a cloudy account that isn't the "proposal story" people want to hear when they ask, but it's pretty much us.
I've probably got some details wrong, because I usually do, but holy shit, that was 24 years ago.
posted by chococat at 10:47 PM on September 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
We were always saying "what's the difference if we're married or not?" and it slowly started to evolve into "well, yeah, so what's the difference? Why not get married?" I started thinking of a not-lame way I could ask her, but she was already thinking the same thing.
I remember we were driving up Avenue Rd. and we were trying to figure out our whole new apartment, not-thrilled-parents, married/not-married situation and she said "well maybe we should just get married." I was taken aback, not because she asked, but because I thought it wasn't supposed to happen like this: in a late '80's Suzuki Sidekick, driving northbound on one of the main Toronto rush hour routes in late afternoon.
I expressed my hesitation at how we couldn't get engaged in the car, in traffic, but we talked about the practicality of it and we started growing on the idea, hashing it out in what seemed more like a happy agreement than a proposal at the time, but we had to pick up our friend because we were going out that night to see The Jolly Boys at El Convento Rico (latin drag bar on College St. that also sometimes has bands) and he was coming with us.
Once we were at the bar and having drinks we told our friend that we were officially engaged and we all got really happy and into it and our friend called up to the Jolly Boys onstage and they proceeded to play "She Wears My Ring" which is kind of a creepy song but we got into the irony of it and the fact that the fucking Jolly Boys were playing a song for us. And then we realized there was no engagement ring...this is where my memory gets hazy...either my (now) wife had one or our friend did...but it didn't fit me so our friend put it on and it forever became the joke that he was also engaged to us.
2-year engagement, married July 24, 1993.
Just dropped kid number #1 off at University in another province last week and I'm kind of having a hard time with it.
Never told this before. It's a cloudy account that isn't the "proposal story" people want to hear when they ask, but it's pretty much us.
I've probably got some details wrong, because I usually do, but holy shit, that was 24 years ago.
posted by chococat at 10:47 PM on September 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
It's been nearly thirty years of sin for us. Not sure that a government chit is going to do anything for us. 2 legit 2 quit.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:01 PM on September 5, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by five fresh fish at 11:01 PM on September 5, 2015 [12 favorites]
The wife and I first proposed to each other in a dusty ditch by the side of the road in Reno, Nevada. We were both shitfaced at the time and we each got down on one knee and said, in as close to unison as we could manage, "will you marry me?" Then we dusted ourselves off and went back to her step-parent's house where I threw up about a pint of discount Nevada bourbon.
About four months later, on her birthday, I got her a ring and actually proposed. Her response was, and I quote, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Ah, to be young again and in love... And also in a ditch in Reno.
posted by stet at 11:04 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
About four months later, on her birthday, I got her a ring and actually proposed. Her response was, and I quote, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Ah, to be young again and in love... And also in a ditch in Reno.
posted by stet at 11:04 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
I proposed to my wife in a pretty conventional manner (in a public place but at a time when we were the only ones there). However I must have had her mother chewing nails waiting. We were LDR at the time and I had discussed it with her with timing just before we were going to be together for a week. And ... then the ring I had custom made wasn't ready in time and I had to delay six weeks until we were together for another period.
posted by Mitheral at 11:29 PM on September 5, 2015
posted by Mitheral at 11:29 PM on September 5, 2015
I got engaged in June, over dinner while discussing the fact that we'd been together for almost six years and plan to legally complicate our finances together by getting a mortgage in the next 18 months. So I said, well, we might as well get married and he said yes, that is a good point. So we shook hands on it, told our family and went second hand ring shopping the week afterwards.
It was wonderful. And if it had involved being down on one knee, in public or not, you'd have not seen me for the dust cloud.
posted by halcyonday at 11:54 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
It was wonderful. And if it had involved being down on one knee, in public or not, you'd have not seen me for the dust cloud.
posted by halcyonday at 11:54 PM on September 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I proposed to my husband to be. It was not at all romantic. He was visiting me in San Francisco; he lived in Europe. We were at Ocean Beach, one of the less romantic beaches. I asked him if we should should get married. He explained how he was a Marxist who did not believe in marriage. I explained how I was a feminist who did not believe in marriage. "But those things are beside the point if we want to live together, because you're not American and I'm not Swedish. If we want to live together, we have to get married." He allowed as how that was true and went back to Sweden. I saw him there a few months later. We got married at Stockholm's city hall, with no family or friends present. I was wearing one of his shirts and a pair of pants. A German tourist took a blurry snap as our only wedding photo. Not having a real wedding was a relief.
posted by Bella Donna at 11:55 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 11:55 PM on September 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
If I had proposed to my wife in front of an audience or put it on YouTube she would have punched me in the face.
... and she would have been right to do so.
posted by Paul Slade at 12:56 AM on September 6, 2015
... and she would have been right to do so.
posted by Paul Slade at 12:56 AM on September 6, 2015
Mod note: A few comments deleted. Let's skip the TMI derail about how eager you might be to marry 22-year old Britney Spears, please.
posted by taz (staff) at 1:38 AM on September 6, 2015
posted by taz (staff) at 1:38 AM on September 6, 2015
My proposal, six years into our relationship. Driving a car through heavy traffic:
ME: So ... sounds like we're pretty much decided? You're going to take the fellowship, we're going to move here?
PERSON WHO IS NOW MY SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: OK, well, then, um. I was thinking that, um, we should probably talk about, um, you know, what's going to happen with our health insurance. Or, or if we need to visit each other in the hospital, or if one of us is in jail ...
PERSON WHO IS NOW MY SPOUSE: Yeah, that's a good idea.
[Very.]
[Long.]
[Pause.]
PERSON WHO IS NOW MY SPOUSE: Wait, did you just propose?
ME: Yeah.
PERSON WHO IS NOW MY SPOUSE: Oh.
[Very.]
[Long.]
[Pause.]
PERSON WHO IS NOW MY SPOUSE: *sighs* I guess so.
Eight years after that, we're still together, and still madly in love. :)
posted by kyrademon at 3:13 AM on September 6, 2015 [18 favorites]
ME: So ... sounds like we're pretty much decided? You're going to take the fellowship, we're going to move here?
PERSON WHO IS NOW MY SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: OK, well, then, um. I was thinking that, um, we should probably talk about, um, you know, what's going to happen with our health insurance. Or, or if we need to visit each other in the hospital, or if one of us is in jail ...
PERSON WHO IS NOW MY SPOUSE: Yeah, that's a good idea.
[Very.]
[Long.]
[Pause.]
PERSON WHO IS NOW MY SPOUSE: Wait, did you just propose?
ME: Yeah.
PERSON WHO IS NOW MY SPOUSE: Oh.
[Very.]
[Long.]
[Pause.]
PERSON WHO IS NOW MY SPOUSE: *sighs* I guess so.
Eight years after that, we're still together, and still madly in love. :)
posted by kyrademon at 3:13 AM on September 6, 2015 [18 favorites]
About 14.5 years ago, Mrs. Plinth proposed to me because I'm thick.
posted by plinth at 4:59 AM on September 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by plinth at 4:59 AM on September 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Is the "public proposal" really a thing? I also thought it was just In The Movies. That in real life no-one actually does that shit. Firstly because growing up in Australia I have literally never seen anyone propose to another person except in a movie or TV.
And Secondly, well it just seems absurd and passive aggressive. That you are trying to make it more difficult for them to say no.
posted by mary8nne at 5:00 AM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
And Secondly, well it just seems absurd and passive aggressive. That you are trying to make it more difficult for them to say no.
posted by mary8nne at 5:00 AM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Definitely a thing. I was involved in one, and it was spectacularly uncomfortable, even knowing that the couple had definitely discussed the topic previously.
IIRC, over 100 people were involved, and it took several months to plan.
posted by schmod at 5:45 AM on September 6, 2015
IIRC, over 100 people were involved, and it took several months to plan.
posted by schmod at 5:45 AM on September 6, 2015
I'm enjoying reading these stories more than I thought I would.
Our conversation went something like:
"It might be worth getting married for all the legal advantages."
"Yeah, you're probably right."
That was three weeks ago. We've been together for a long time and live in a state that had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into marriage equality. Having spent almost all my life as a (very) second-class citizen, and with parents who had a very bad divorce, I guess I've become very cynical about the whole marriage business. I've refused to attend them for years. It's just hard for me to sort out my feelings about the thing and put it into words. And yet, here I am.
I feel like the wedding scene from Joe Versus The Volcano is the Platonic ideal of how these ceremonies should go, so that's what I'm aiming for. Again, preferably officiated by a guy in an Elvis suit. He, meanwhile, has a giant Catholic family, so this is going to be an interesting experience.
One thing for sure we agree on is that the giant, over the top weddings that are currently fashionable aren't for us. I know a couple who dropped around $35k on a wedding and that seems full-on nuts to me. I believe my mom went to a department store and bought a nice white dress, my dad wore a business suit, they took one photo after the ceremony, and then they went out for Chinese food. That sounds tolerable.
posted by LastOfHisKind at 6:49 AM on September 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Our conversation went something like:
"It might be worth getting married for all the legal advantages."
"Yeah, you're probably right."
That was three weeks ago. We've been together for a long time and live in a state that had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into marriage equality. Having spent almost all my life as a (very) second-class citizen, and with parents who had a very bad divorce, I guess I've become very cynical about the whole marriage business. I've refused to attend them for years. It's just hard for me to sort out my feelings about the thing and put it into words. And yet, here I am.
I feel like the wedding scene from Joe Versus The Volcano is the Platonic ideal of how these ceremonies should go, so that's what I'm aiming for. Again, preferably officiated by a guy in an Elvis suit. He, meanwhile, has a giant Catholic family, so this is going to be an interesting experience.
One thing for sure we agree on is that the giant, over the top weddings that are currently fashionable aren't for us. I know a couple who dropped around $35k on a wedding and that seems full-on nuts to me. I believe my mom went to a department store and bought a nice white dress, my dad wore a business suit, they took one photo after the ceremony, and then they went out for Chinese food. That sounds tolerable.
posted by LastOfHisKind at 6:49 AM on September 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am 45 and have been married for 14 years, and I don't recall ever discussing our proposal with strangers. Maybe in AskMe, in context.
I'm a bit younger and have been married for a slightly shorter time, but I've also never been asked about our proposal. Wedding stories seem to come up fairly often (and people aren't shy about being disapproving of our elopement), but never proposals, other than here on Metafilter.
Our conversation went something like:
"It might be worth getting married for all the legal advantages."
"Yeah, you're probably right."
Ours wasn't far off of this, late at night in a hotel room in another country. I was the one who brought up the subject, so I suppose you could say I "proposed," but it was definitely a mutual decision and discussion, based on very real visa and tax issues.
I know a couple who dropped around $35k on a wedding and that seems full-on nuts to me.
Some friends just recently finished paying off their wedding. It was about six years ago, and they largely financed it with credit cards. The pictures were lovely (I was living far away at the time and couldn't afford to attend), but the idea of spending six years paying for a wedding at usurious interest rates has always struck me as one of the worst ideas I have ever heard of.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:10 AM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm a bit younger and have been married for a slightly shorter time, but I've also never been asked about our proposal. Wedding stories seem to come up fairly often (and people aren't shy about being disapproving of our elopement), but never proposals, other than here on Metafilter.
Our conversation went something like:
"It might be worth getting married for all the legal advantages."
"Yeah, you're probably right."
Ours wasn't far off of this, late at night in a hotel room in another country. I was the one who brought up the subject, so I suppose you could say I "proposed," but it was definitely a mutual decision and discussion, based on very real visa and tax issues.
I know a couple who dropped around $35k on a wedding and that seems full-on nuts to me.
Some friends just recently finished paying off their wedding. It was about six years ago, and they largely financed it with credit cards. The pictures were lovely (I was living far away at the time and couldn't afford to attend), but the idea of spending six years paying for a wedding at usurious interest rates has always struck me as one of the worst ideas I have ever heard of.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:10 AM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
yes, it's a bourgeois social construct
You say that as if it's a bad thing.
posted by IndigoJones at 7:24 AM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
You say that as if it's a bad thing.
posted by IndigoJones at 7:24 AM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
I went to my first minor league baseball game a couple weeks ago, and it was wonderful- great seats, good baseball. But there were all these local customs I had no idea existed: military people took some sort of public oath before the game, children had sack races between innings, there were trivia contests. At one point a couple came up to perform in a trivia contest about famous mullets, only wait, that was a ruse: he was really going to publicly propose to her! I still can't imagine how that was a good way to propose.
posted by acrasis at 7:27 AM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by acrasis at 7:27 AM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
My fiancée accidentally proposed to me. She claimed it was just planning, but said planning included specific dates and guests. When she asked what I thought of her plan, I simply said "yes".
posted by solotoro at 8:24 AM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by solotoro at 8:24 AM on September 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
There were no fancy dinners, diamond ring, family, photographers, or other fanfare involved. A while later she gave me a ring...
I gave you a ring two days later. At a fancy picnic I prepared. I'll allow as how there was no fanfare though.
Technically, I was proposed to first, but it was only to prove a point, and I said no. (I had found out at Prom that some of our friends were engaged and my sweetie was so appalled that he asked me to marry him. When I said no, he said, "See, that's how you're supposed to answer when you're seventeen.") Yes, we did go to Prom together.
posted by Margalo Epps at 8:41 AM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I gave you a ring two days later. At a fancy picnic I prepared. I'll allow as how there was no fanfare though.
Technically, I was proposed to first, but it was only to prove a point, and I said no. (I had found out at Prom that some of our friends were engaged and my sweetie was so appalled that he asked me to marry him. When I said no, he said, "See, that's how you're supposed to answer when you're seventeen.") Yes, we did go to Prom together.
posted by Margalo Epps at 8:41 AM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Baseball game a few weeks ago, they had one of those staged proposals on the Jumbotron, and the woman looked SO annoyed. Which is what so many of those situations really look like if you don't go with the subtitles. Surprises are so often just plain upsetting. It's only romantic for the person staging the surprise.
posted by Peach at 10:17 AM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Peach at 10:17 AM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
About three months after we started dating, he told me the story of how his brother proposed to his sister-in-law (to whom the brother had been married 18 years) after four months. I looked him in the eye and said "don't you fucking dare" and he laughed. About eight months after we started dating, he came home with me for Christmas, and on December 23rd asked (as we were walking to a bar to meet friends) "so is your mom the kind of person who would enjoy sharing big events in your life?" and I said "are you asking for the reasons I think you're asking?" and he nodded and gave me a big grin and said "at least it wasn't four months!"
(We had discussed it before. The timing was a bit of a surprise but the sentiment was not, and most definitely mutual. In fact, a few weeks earlier we'd stayed up late after a holiday party at which we both got spectacularly drunk to watch Love Actually, and I thought to myself I should just get the proposal over with. But I wanted to do it when I was a little bit more sober and maybe not at 3 AM.)
I don't know if it's a generational thing, but everyone we told about the engagement was super eager to know the story of how it happened. I found myself quite annoyed at having to tell the story so many times to people I wasn't that closed with, because to me it was a private moment between him and me and my family, but asking about it is definitely a Thing.
posted by Phire at 1:05 PM on September 6, 2015
(We had discussed it before. The timing was a bit of a surprise but the sentiment was not, and most definitely mutual. In fact, a few weeks earlier we'd stayed up late after a holiday party at which we both got spectacularly drunk to watch Love Actually, and I thought to myself I should just get the proposal over with. But I wanted to do it when I was a little bit more sober and maybe not at 3 AM.)
I don't know if it's a generational thing, but everyone we told about the engagement was super eager to know the story of how it happened. I found myself quite annoyed at having to tell the story so many times to people I wasn't that closed with, because to me it was a private moment between him and me and my family, but asking about it is definitely a Thing.
posted by Phire at 1:05 PM on September 6, 2015
I proposed to my husband, in Poets' Corner in Westminster Abbey. We made our friend who was with us take our picture, and then a choir started singing. It was awesome! We had talked about getting married a bunch of times before, and I said I really wanted to be the one to propose. We did plan the whole thing together, so it wasn't a surprise, but it was still very emotional. I even bought matching rings for both of us (titanium bands), so he had an engagement ring, too, and we ended up just keeping the rings to be our wedding bands.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 2:02 PM on September 6, 2015
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 2:02 PM on September 6, 2015
After all, women are conditioned from an early age—by Disney, ...
I saw Tangled for the first time maybe a year ago and I was enjoying it right up until about the last thirty seconds where the voiceover says
EUGENE: [blah blah the audience all wants to know if we got married] After years and years of asking and asking, I finally said yes.
RAPUNZEL: Eugene!
EUGENE: All right! I asked her.
I was SO MAD. It almost ruined the entire movie for me. It could have been some cute joke about how she really only had to ask him once, but noooo let's just casually dismiss that option.
posted by cheesegrater at 2:09 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
I saw Tangled for the first time maybe a year ago and I was enjoying it right up until about the last thirty seconds where the voiceover says
EUGENE: [blah blah the audience all wants to know if we got married] After years and years of asking and asking, I finally said yes.
RAPUNZEL: Eugene!
EUGENE: All right! I asked her.
I was SO MAD. It almost ruined the entire movie for me. It could have been some cute joke about how she really only had to ask him once, but noooo let's just casually dismiss that option.
posted by cheesegrater at 2:09 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
High fives to all my ladies who proposed. I did it back in May, on one knee, in Barbican tube station.
it was the coolest thing I've ever done and I realised in that moment, all these years I've been saying, as a feminist, I would totally propose if I wanted to be married to someone, I wasn't just saying it to be true to my principles, it was totally true. It was the most romantic thing and I promise any ladies reading this thread wondering but feeling like it wouldn't maybe be as good as being proposed to, it was awesome.
Also my fiancé (hee! Still not bored of that) was into it and that was just another clue that I've put a ring on a super awesome feminist man.
posted by greenish at 3:16 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
it was the coolest thing I've ever done and I realised in that moment, all these years I've been saying, as a feminist, I would totally propose if I wanted to be married to someone, I wasn't just saying it to be true to my principles, it was totally true. It was the most romantic thing and I promise any ladies reading this thread wondering but feeling like it wouldn't maybe be as good as being proposed to, it was awesome.
Also my fiancé (hee! Still not bored of that) was into it and that was just another clue that I've put a ring on a super awesome feminist man.
posted by greenish at 3:16 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
My wife and I proposed to each other. We'd discussed marriage ("We're probably going to end up married, aren't we?" "Yeah") and decided it would be a good idea. So we picked a date about a year in advance and then on our next dating anniversary went out to one of our favorite restaurants, gave each other inscribed books to start our new joint library, and put on matching engagement rings. Up to that point (and from thereafter) we'd been equals in whatever we did, so it felt only natural that we should both have the chance to ask and respond without putting either of us on the spot.
posted by Spatch at 4:23 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Spatch at 4:23 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
My ex-wife proposed to me.
That's kind of the full story.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:52 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
That's kind of the full story.
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:52 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I call bullshit, turbid dahlia. There's a story. It's OK if it's too painful. However you should know we'll all be making something up. Mine involves time travel, the Stasi, and an amorous irish setter. You may want to set the record straight before it becomes accepted lore.
posted by evilDoug at 6:06 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by evilDoug at 6:06 PM on September 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I proposed to my wife standing on the rocks above a waterfall in the woods. I was thinking to myself, this will be easy. Just say it. So I put my hand around her as we gaze to the bottom of the falls and say...."sooo, uh.....isn't that water pretty?" And I'm like, wtf? So then I lean in and say
"what I meant to say is.....those trees are sure green across the gorge!" Fast forward a minute and it turns out 5th time is the charm.
posted by triage_lazarus at 6:08 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
"what I meant to say is.....those trees are sure green across the gorge!" Fast forward a minute and it turns out 5th time is the charm.
posted by triage_lazarus at 6:08 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
We were 20, had been dating for three years, and I was undocumented. At the time, the border patrol had been doing sweeps in our town, going through grocery stores and checking IDs as people left. It was an extremely stressful time for us both. We'd talked about marriage; we were young and I wanted to wait. But he didn't want to wait for the border patrol to decide for him. He proposed in bed, I accepted, and we each went home to tell our parents. A few months later, he got down on one knee in the living room of my parents' tiny house and presented me with a lovely $40 ring, the day before our tiny courthouse wedding. Our extended family didn't find out about our marriage until shortly after the green card came in the mail, a year later.
We've been married for five and a half years. :)
posted by cobain_angel at 9:27 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
We've been married for five and a half years. :)
posted by cobain_angel at 9:27 PM on September 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Metafilter: I wanted to do it when I was a little bit more sober and maybe not at 3 AM.
posted by Paul Slade at 12:52 AM on September 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Paul Slade at 12:52 AM on September 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
This is a fantastic thread. Thanks for the stories. When I was 30 I was certain by 40 I'd be married with kids. Now approaching mid-40s, and I suspect I'll never meet the right person such that I'd get married, and never will have kids. But that's ok! If I do get married, I'll tell my engagement story on MF.
posted by persona au gratin at 2:15 AM on September 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by persona au gratin at 2:15 AM on September 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
there was a point in our relationship when my partner and I were talking about moving in together and she told me that she only wanted to move in with someone that she believed that she was going to marry. It wasn't an explicit, "we must be married before we move in together" but more like, "I don't want to go into co-habitation with an attitude of: 'let's try it out and see.' I don't want to live with you just because it's more convenient for both of us. It's a big step for me to share my life and household with someone, and I want to know that, at the end of the day, we both want this bigger thing."
And, well for me, it's not that I didn't share that goal. I knew for a very long time how much I loved her, but I had also seen how marriages can turn into these logistical, nightmarish beasts. And, well, house-hunting is complicated and stressful. Packing and moving in together is complicated and stressful. Packing and moving and having people expect a wedding just seemed too much.
So, I said, "I want to be with you. I want us to be together, to share a house and our cats and our lives. I want to be married, and I want to know if you want it too."
She said that she wanted all of that too. Yes to everything. That was wonderful.
But I also said, "I think moving in together is going to be complicated and stressful. I don't think it's going to be a problem, but I'd like to space out things a bit if that's ok?"
"I think so. I trust you. I know you wouldn't ask if you didn't mean it."
"Can I just keep asking then, until it's all official, and there's a ring and we've told our parents and signed up for all of the event plans and everything?"
"Yes, please do."
So, I'd ask her again just when we're walking together, enjoying each other's company, and I'd find a new facet of her that I treasure. I'd ask her to marry me in the midst of a long, lazy Sunday morning spent in bed. I took her to see the city where I grew up, and indulge in the misty beauty of British Columbia, and I asked her to marry me again under the cedars of Stanley Park. Now, whenever we have dinner on the porch of our new apartment, and there's a particularly lovely sunset, I'll hold my sweetheart's hand and ask her if she'd marry me.
And always she says yes.
I'm putting on the final touches of a ring design with a jeweler that we found in Vancouver, and as much as I'm excited to put it on her finger; I kind of feel like it'll be the last time that I get to ask, because the asking was always intended to be a temporary placeholder for the ring, but now I enjoy asking so much that I don't want to stop.
posted by bl1nk at 6:52 AM on September 7, 2015 [9 favorites]
And, well for me, it's not that I didn't share that goal. I knew for a very long time how much I loved her, but I had also seen how marriages can turn into these logistical, nightmarish beasts. And, well, house-hunting is complicated and stressful. Packing and moving in together is complicated and stressful. Packing and moving and having people expect a wedding just seemed too much.
So, I said, "I want to be with you. I want us to be together, to share a house and our cats and our lives. I want to be married, and I want to know if you want it too."
She said that she wanted all of that too. Yes to everything. That was wonderful.
But I also said, "I think moving in together is going to be complicated and stressful. I don't think it's going to be a problem, but I'd like to space out things a bit if that's ok?"
"I think so. I trust you. I know you wouldn't ask if you didn't mean it."
"Can I just keep asking then, until it's all official, and there's a ring and we've told our parents and signed up for all of the event plans and everything?"
"Yes, please do."
So, I'd ask her again just when we're walking together, enjoying each other's company, and I'd find a new facet of her that I treasure. I'd ask her to marry me in the midst of a long, lazy Sunday morning spent in bed. I took her to see the city where I grew up, and indulge in the misty beauty of British Columbia, and I asked her to marry me again under the cedars of Stanley Park. Now, whenever we have dinner on the porch of our new apartment, and there's a particularly lovely sunset, I'll hold my sweetheart's hand and ask her if she'd marry me.
And always she says yes.
I'm putting on the final touches of a ring design with a jeweler that we found in Vancouver, and as much as I'm excited to put it on her finger; I kind of feel like it'll be the last time that I get to ask, because the asking was always intended to be a temporary placeholder for the ring, but now I enjoy asking so much that I don't want to stop.
posted by bl1nk at 6:52 AM on September 7, 2015 [9 favorites]
Mr. Nat, I don't think you read my comments here, but if you do, kindly don't read this one and go away.
Now. For those of us women who might be thinking about possibly doing a thing like this.. thanks all for your stories of how of course it's actually lovely. Not that I was worried, but damn, seriously, there are people who decide to judge couples forever based on who proposed to whom? When I first started to get inklings that I might want to make plans in this general direction, I never considered what anyone else would think.
And now I'm gonna go right on not caring one whit about what anyone else thinks, and do as I please anyhow.
posted by nat at 4:01 PM on September 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Now. For those of us women who might be thinking about possibly doing a thing like this.. thanks all for your stories of how of course it's actually lovely. Not that I was worried, but damn, seriously, there are people who decide to judge couples forever based on who proposed to whom? When I first started to get inklings that I might want to make plans in this general direction, I never considered what anyone else would think.
And now I'm gonna go right on not caring one whit about what anyone else thinks, and do as I please anyhow.
posted by nat at 4:01 PM on September 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by Evstar at 3:30 PM on September 5, 2015 [11 favorites]