"And that's why you always hit your dot!"
September 9, 2015 5:54 PM   Subscribe

During halftime on Saturday, the Kansas State Marching Band was supposed to make a formation showing the Enterprise spaceship ramming the University of Kansas Jayhawk. Things did not go as planned.

The band director shared the page of drill, clearly showing the Enterprise. Captain Kirk himself has spoken in defense of the band; however both the university and the Big 12 have since issued sanctions against the director.

Controversial halftime shows by college bands are, of course, nothing new.
posted by damayanti (53 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Things did not go as planned.

Sure.
posted by mhoye at 5:58 PM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


That's some amazing choreography going on there, too bad people are caught up in the cartoon mascot blowing the fictional spaceship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:00 PM on September 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


"Starship" "Enterprise"
posted by Jimbob at 6:03 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


So that's what you have to do to show a blowjob on the evening news.
posted by ardgedee at 6:05 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Only one way to top this: dickbutt.
posted by Existential Dread at 6:08 PM on September 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


Really did not look anything whatsoever like a penis.
posted by nanojath at 6:09 PM on September 9, 2015 [62 favorites]


Well MY penis has warp engines, according to the wife.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:11 PM on September 9, 2015 [12 favorites]


"Ensign Bobbitt, prepare for emergency saucer separation!"

But srsly tho, that wasn't a terribly distinct Enterprise, but it definitely didn't look like a wiener either. I'm gonna call it a bad/cluttered design and leave it at that.
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:15 PM on September 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


Okay, I've read the wikipedia article, I've read the original script, but I still can't figure out what was really happening with that Virginia Pep Band thing. Was it just "hyuk hyuk our rivals are hicks" or some unscripted fellatio pantomime, or what?
posted by queensissy at 6:16 PM on September 9, 2015


That looked more like the Enterprise than it did like a penis.
posted by dirigibleman at 6:23 PM on September 9, 2015 [18 favorites]


This is why we don't hire stadiums full of random high-schoolers to interpret abstract art.
posted by amtho at 6:25 PM on September 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


a giant dick made up of marching band members

...an excerpt from Clive Barker's "In The Hills, The Chubbies".
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:27 PM on September 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


Why would it go into the mascot's mouth? Doesn't the Penterprise normally patron Uranus looking for Klingons?
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:30 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


So that's what you have to do to show a blowjob on the evening news.

Looks like someone has been blissfully unaware of Trump's recent presidential bid!
posted by codacorolla at 6:30 PM on September 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


If K State really wanted to burn Kansas, all they'd have to do is form Charlie Weis cashing a check.

added bonus burn on Note Dame
posted by Existential Dread at 6:31 PM on September 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


This all led to some discussion of the various merits of "picture shows" vs. "curvilinear" shows on my facebook feed; curvilinear being something like this.

Of course, the problem with curvilinear drill is that you inevitably get either a uterus + fallopian tubes (see, the first set of the link) or sperms at some point during the show, so, yeah.
posted by damayanti at 6:32 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Its too bad they are not TBDBITL. Oh, wait.
posted by ChuraChura at 6:35 PM on September 9, 2015


We're being pulled inside, Commodore. You must veer off.
posted by lagomorphius at 6:40 PM on September 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


I see an Enterprise. I can see how someone not expecting that might see a penis. But it looks pretty unambiguously not a penis to me. Does a significant portion of America think a penis has a giant gap in the middle or something?

I don't get why it's flying into the bird's mouth, though. It should be launching photon torpedos (played by the drummers) and making the bird explode.
posted by egypturnash at 6:46 PM on September 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


Well MY penis has warp engines, according to the wife.

"She canna take any more, Cap'n! She's gonna blow!
posted by sebastienbailard at 6:50 PM on September 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


The Enterprise us famously one of the few examples of a popular culture starship that isn't overtly phallic (I'm looking at you, Millennium Falcon cockpit) and this is just a poorly executed drill. Maybe I made the mistake of seeing the design on paper first but I'm having a hard time seeing anything phallic at all. Frankly if you people react this way any time something longer than it is wide approaches a mouth I bet you're a real hoot at baseball games.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 6:53 PM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Most remarkable.
posted by Kabanos at 6:54 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


mhoye: "Things did not go as planned.

Sure.
"

I hope you're not insinuating that college students would purposefully subvert an idiotic march routine about which their band director had been haranguing them for over a month into a penis being fellated by a giant bird?

I think anyone with good sense knows that such an act of rebellion would be beyond the pale for our young scholars.
posted by double block and bleed at 7:06 PM on September 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


I could sort of pick out a Starship Enterprise, but I was also expecting to see the Starship Enterprise based on the link/discussion. If I did not know what was supposed to be going on I don't know what I'd see.

I can't find a video that includes the music part of the performance; were they playing music from Star Trek?
posted by mountmccabe at 7:10 PM on September 9, 2015


Does a significant portion of America think a penis has a giant gap in the middle or something?

Which one is less strange: a misshapen penis, or a giant bird swallowing a starship (or a normal bird swallowing a tiny starship, I guess)?
posted by Rangi at 7:12 PM on September 9, 2015


I love it that William Shatner is stepping up as the internet's resident expert on what looks like a dick and what doesn't.

I just have this mental image of Shatner standing in front of this line of people holding vaguely phallic items on velvet cushions, declaring each to be a penis or not.
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 7:18 PM on September 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


Wil Wheaton: Don't be a dick!

William Shatner: That's not a dick!
posted by nubs at 7:25 PM on September 9, 2015 [16 favorites]


They were playing the Trek theme, according to this take from Psychology Today, which I particularly liked because the writer understands band.

I mean, it's a bunch of 18- to 21-year-olds in the first performance of the season. They haven't been practicing long. And while it's possible that they have the foresight to figure out where to stand so that from the perspective of the bleachers it looks phallic for a couple seconds, it's more likely they just aren't that good yet.

Sorry about all this, Dr. Tracz.
posted by rewil at 7:29 PM on September 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


yeah it sorta looks phallic but it more looks like band kids who are bad at their routine.
posted by nadawi at 7:47 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Well, "Space Seed" was one of the better TOS episodes.
posted by condour75 at 7:48 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


flagged for "starwars" tag
posted by stevil at 7:49 PM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Bird? Y'all can argue about Enterprises and dicks all you want but that's totally Olaf from Frozen prepping to beej there
posted by prize bull octorok at 7:50 PM on September 9, 2015


I don't know, looks more like USS Excelsior to me. That hunk of junk.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:06 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


The halftime show was part of aKobayashi Maru exam.
posted by PHINC at 8:12 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I mean, kinda, sorta, if you squint at it right? But if the band director deserves a fine, then we basically have to fire every meteorologist who ever meterologized.
posted by tonycpsu at 8:42 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


OMG, poor Siobhán Riley.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:09 PM on September 9, 2015


Why was it pointed at the bird's mouth.

Why was it pointed at the bird's mouth?!
posted by wemayfreeze at 10:16 PM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


I feel compelled to mention that I had nothing to do with this, as I do anytime a crude phallus shows up where it does not belong.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:27 PM on September 9, 2015


Damn you, Kansas State. This means I'm going to have to file away the diagram of my tribute to Dick Cheney: my version of his glasses over a smirking smile looks too much like balls dangling over a fire.
posted by CincyBlues at 10:45 PM on September 9, 2015


Why was it pointed at the bird's mouth?!

That was all Kim Davis authorized.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:38 AM on September 10, 2015


Yeah, that's not Enterprise.

It's Constellation.
posted by stebulus at 4:29 AM on September 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


I can see they kind of screwed up the secondary hull, but it still doesn't look like a penis to me.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:41 AM on September 10, 2015


I'm voting for incompetence since I didn't see penis, Enterprise, or jayhawk. I saw a robot arm vs, a giant crab. Or something from flow.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 6:00 AM on September 10, 2015


Reminds me of the "Louie Louie" story from a few months back. But I suppose that dirty-minded pareidolia is an evergreen human interest piece.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 6:21 AM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


As a longtime band member (who actually played in the Kansas marching band for a year way back when, rock chalk!) I think that this was just a case of a few people missing their mark. I also think the amount of controversy that's erupted over this is silly to say the least. All I thought when I saw the video was "oh, they're fighting the giant space-Jayhawk, cute lol" - I think calling the not-quite Enterprise a penis would be a pretty big stretch of the imagination.

Also, having grown up in the area, I'm not at all surprised that the newscasters are too prudish to say the word "penis" on TV - although I still find it a bit sad (I mean, come on, really??)
posted by photo guy at 6:23 AM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Do Americans really not know what a penis looks like?
posted by yeolcoatl at 6:49 AM on September 10, 2015


I dunno, sex ex in school these days is really bad in some places....
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:19 AM on September 10, 2015


As a former marching band member, I can attest that a band would never, NEVER try to sneak anything by the censors. Perish the thought. ;)

However, even if it were intentional, I have no idea why people get so upset about things vaguely shaped like penises. My reaction mirrors the formation when I ask: who gives a flying fuck?
posted by ilana at 7:39 AM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Do Americans really not know what a penis looks like?

i mean - i still think it's just a messed up formation - but it does at points resemble a penis.
posted by nadawi at 7:44 AM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


So I was thinking in the shower this morning about Shatner and dicks and spaceships (as one does) and then I rewrote a scene from ST:V in my head:

KIRK: Excuse me.

BEING: (ignoring Kirk) It will carry my power to every corner of creation...

KIRK: (insistent) Excuse me!

The Being regards Kirk like he was a pesky insect.

KIRK: (continuing) I just wanted to ask a question.

McCoy looks at Kirk like he just farted in church.

KIRK: (continuing) What does GOD A GIANT DICK need with a starship?

The Being, Spock, Sybok, and McCoy all regard Kirk with a series of disbelieving looks and smirks.

KIRK: What the fuck did I do?
posted by nubs at 8:01 AM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


I don't really see a penis, but I honestly would have had zero idea what that thing was supposed to be. I know this is hard for MetaFilter to imagine, but there really are lots of people who don't know what the Enterprise looks like (or what the Star Trek theme sounds like).
posted by naoko at 11:35 AM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Three words: Halftime Rorschach Test.
posted by spock at 7:01 PM on September 10, 2015


I know what the Enterprise looks like, and I still don't see it in the halftime show. It's just ... the Enterprise is a complicated shape, and doesn't translate that well to a two-dimensional, connect-the-dots type of outline that's also messed up by people being out of place.

I probably would have wondered WTF the jayhawk was supposed to be eating instead of assuming it was eating a penis, though.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 12:44 AM on September 11, 2015


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