On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
October 5, 2015 8:13 AM   Subscribe

 
For those, like me, who are wondering:

ennui: a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.
posted by I-baLL at 8:15 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


What book brought you closest to suicide?
posted by sammyo at 8:16 AM on October 5, 2015 [9 favorites]


The King in Yellow.
posted by I-baLL at 8:18 AM on October 5, 2015 [12 favorites]


The best part is that most of these are better security questions than the ones you usually see.
posted by CrayDrygu at 8:19 AM on October 5, 2015 [47 favorites]


When did you realize that what you desired and achieved will make you miserable for the rest of your life?
posted by OmieWise at 8:20 AM on October 5, 2015 [6 favorites]


Least favorite child is a good one because it requires frequent update.
posted by three blind mice at 8:22 AM on October 5, 2015 [86 favorites]


It happens to a lot of guys. When did it happen to you?
posted by I-baLL at 8:23 AM on October 5, 2015 [9 favorites]


When did you realize that (like control) security is an illusion?

At what time did you suffer your first (of many) life-crippling data breaches?

What was the color of the wallpaper at that Holiday Inn when you finally realized your decline into mediocrity was inexorable?

SRSLY These write themselves.

posted by lalochezia at 8:25 AM on October 5, 2015 [12 favorites]


Why?
posted by I-baLL at 8:28 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


What is the nonsensical phrase you answer every security question with?
posted by Foosnark at 8:32 AM on October 5, 2015 [11 favorites]


When did you stop trying?

When did you realize that (like control) security is an illusion?


There's some overlap here with the set of Buddhist password security questions.
posted by leotrotsky at 8:35 AM on October 5, 2015 [9 favorites]


What is the nonsensical phrase you answer every security question with?
posted by Foosnark at 11:32 AM on October 5 [+] [!]


Eponysterical?
posted by leotrotsky at 8:36 AM on October 5, 2015 [13 favorites]


In a system I use at work, one of the options for a security question was, I swear to god, "What is your favorite security question?"
posted by jcreigh at 8:37 AM on October 5, 2015 [49 favorites]


What do you want on your tombstone?
posted by LogicalDash at 8:38 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


There's some overlap here with the set of Buddhist password security questions.

Yes, but the one that always tricks me up is: "Why?"
posted by briank at 8:40 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


What is the sound of one hand clapping? (extension of Zen Buddhist security questions)
posted by Oyéah at 8:41 AM on October 5, 2015


Maybe some of those would've worked for this guy.
posted by clawsoon at 8:42 AM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]


Logical Dash:
"Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Remains Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship" What else would you put?

As for questions:
Where did you first realize that everything in this universe is temporary and you too will die?
What is your greatest regret?
posted by Hactar at 8:45 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


"Why" would not be a valuable security question since the only valid answer is "because".
posted by Billiken at 8:46 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]


LogicalDash: What do you want on your tombstone?

Good try, Kraft "Foods," I won't fall for your subversive, October marketing gimmicks.

(But kudos to whoever wrote up the Wikipedia section on the slogan, because "A Tombstone pizza would then be summoned" is a great way to make me want a magical pizza, summoned forth to save me from imminent demise.)
posted by filthy light thief at 8:50 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]


Hactar: Pepperoni and cheese.
posted by I-baLL at 8:50 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh, godammit, sim-post.
posted by I-baLL at 8:50 AM on October 5, 2015


The best part is that most of these are better security questions than the ones you usually see.

Most of them. Then there's the one where a majority of people answer with Firefly.
posted by radwolf76 at 8:51 AM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]


peperony and chease
posted by dismas at 8:52 AM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]


I don't want andy on my Tombstone. Sorry, Andy, but I didn't order the meatbag special.
posted by I-baLL at 8:53 AM on October 5, 2015


The best part is that most of these are better security questions than the ones you usually see.

"Better" as in not even the child taking care of you after your dementia diagnosis will be able to access your retirement funds intended to pay the medical bills and such.
posted by pwnguin at 8:55 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


In all seriousness, I can't stand the "Favorite" type security questions. I have lots of favorites, that change depending on which moods I'm in. I always choose the fact-based ones (which maybe says something more about my personality than I am prepared to admit).
posted by Rock Steady at 8:55 AM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]


I-ball: "For those, like me, who are wondering: "

Perhaps, yes, once, I wondered. As a small child, I can recall a fleeting sense of excitement and fascination. But no longer.
posted by boo_radley at 8:56 AM on October 5, 2015 [9 favorites]


What was the name of your father's longtime secretary?
What job did you lose for not putting out?
posted by Oyéah at 8:58 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]


Has anybody yet launched a startup to do psychological profiling of internet users (for target-marketing and/or national-security purposes) by aggregating and algorithmically analysing their password-reset questions?
posted by acb at 9:01 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


At one employer a bad translation resulted in, "What was your mothers first name?" instead of "maiden name". My answer, "MyMothersNameWas_____SheDiedInChildBirth" (My mother is just fine, my sense of humor not so much.)
posted by nathan_teske at 9:06 AM on October 5, 2015


The King in Yellow

Oh, come now. It's not one of Raymond Chandler's best efforts, but...
posted by randomkeystrike at 9:08 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


What was your parent's favorite alcoholic beverage that caused their slow, yet socially acceptable suicide, during your formative years?

How do you describe your specific type of mental dysfunction/incurable depression that stops you from having future meaningful relationships?
posted by alex_skazat at 9:11 AM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]


What medication has proven the most effective at lessening your dull horror at the wakening nightmare of your life?
posted by nubs at 9:16 AM on October 5, 2015 [17 favorites]


More nihilism...
posted by Monkeymoo at 9:18 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


When was the last time you ruminated on how gross and dehumanizing a concept "maiden name" is?
posted by maxwelton at 9:19 AM on October 5, 2015 [18 favorites]


Billiken: ""Why" would not be a valuable security question since the only valid answer is "because"."

Surely "Be¢aU$e"
posted by chavenet at 9:19 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


I once worked somewhere that had a higher-than-average security check for when you called tech support. They asked you about five of these questions - and then asked you to WRITE YOUR OWN question. When you called tech support, they would read you two of the pre-selected ones, and then the one you wrote.

At the time I filled that out, I was feeling a little oppressed by the corporate lifestyle, and so for the self-generated question and answer, I used:
Q - What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
A - African or European?
For about seven months afterward, it was always really fun calling tech support; they would read me two random questions in a bored voice, but then I would hear them move on to "Third question - what is the airspeed velocity...of...." and I don't think a single one actually managed to finish the sentence because they were laughing too hard.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:22 AM on October 5, 2015 [30 favorites]


BROWN? NO! RED? NO! THE ANSWER IS TAWNY
posted by not_on_display at 9:24 AM on October 5, 2015 [12 favorites]


When did you first felt sad listening to a happy song?
posted by lmfsilva at 9:26 AM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]


In all seriousness, I can't stand the "Favorite" type security questions. I have lots of favorites, that change depending on which moods I'm in. I always choose the fact-based ones (which maybe says something more about my personality than I am prepared to admit).

Me too. Like the "best friend in childhood" one. I'm always thinking - at what point of my childhood? Until I was at a job where we had client passwords and security answers for things and for "mother's maiden name" someone put "Elvis Valentine" (or something equally nonsensical), and I realized then that security answers didn't have to be true, they just had to be something you could remember. It was kind of a revelation for me at the time.
posted by triggerfinger at 9:30 AM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]


When did you first feel happy listening to a sad song?

[Amateurs!]
posted by Namlit at 9:35 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Where were you when it really sank in that your parents would die someday?
posted by indubitable at 9:38 AM on October 5, 2015


Who are these people who have one favourite song/TV show/colour which sticks with them for the rest of their life? Are they actually real?
posted by acb at 9:39 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
So to hack the lax, try "12345/6"; (important dates); "password", and "Firefly".
posted by mal de coucou at 9:40 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]


"What song was the soundtrack, this morning, to your failed attempt to crawl out of bed?"
"Whose inevitable betrayal of your trust in them surprised you the most?"
"Which of your absentee parent's attempts to buy back your love was the most transparent?"
"Where do you keep the bottle for your lunchtime pick-me-up?"
"When did you realise that you had a brain tumour that is causing periodic hallucinations like this question?"
"How does it make you feel that you no longer need to season your food, because everything tastes like ash anyway?"
posted by frimble at 9:43 AM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]


What did you do, you dirty thing?
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:46 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]


These would certainly make the list of passwords compromised by whichever-big-website-failed-basic-security-this-fortnight more entertaining.
posted by straight at 9:48 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Just use this handy-dandy Security Question Response GeneratorTM.
posted by blue_beetle at 9:49 AM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]


my answers are still too easy to guess.
posted by josephtate at 9:58 AM on October 5, 2015


When did you drop your first ice cream cone on a dirty sidewalk?

When did your second bunny die?

What was the first question at school you had to answer with your new retainers in?

How many times did you not travel to Amsterdam?

etc.
posted by Namlit at 9:59 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


If you could trade your life with one of your Facebook friend's, who would it be?
posted by Nanukthedog at 10:04 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Which video game made you feel like you'll never be good enough?

When was the last time you heard "Let's just stay friends"?

Where was your mother's last surgery on her quickly ailing body?

How long ago did you call you the Helpdesk about the dead light above your cubicle?

How many of your comments on Metafilter has been deleted by a mod in the last month?

How many time did you have a chance to go to the beach last summer and cancelled because of self-consciousness?
posted by numaner at 10:09 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


You are on an airplane that is about to crash. You have time to make one phone call. What is the name of the person you will wish you were speaking to while you say your goodbyes to your immediate family instead?
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:10 AM on October 5, 2015 [18 favorites]


The pilot.
posted by I-baLL at 10:14 AM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]


"Why" would not be a valuable security question since the only valid answer is "because".
posted by Billiken


According to The Exam, "because" is only worth half credit. The full credit answer is "Why not?"
posted by yeolcoatl at 10:19 AM on October 5, 2015


The website that my son's school uses for parents to check grades is the WORST. The security questions are PICTURES OF STUFF, and you have to click on the pictures of things you like.

Meanwhile, it's like pictures of sailboats and hiking and things I really have no opinion on.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE SURE MY KID IS HANDING IN HIS HOMEWORK ON TIME, I'M NOT TRYING TO CREATE AN OK CUPID ACCOUNT.
posted by Lucinda at 10:31 AM on October 5, 2015 [6 favorites]


According to The Exam, "because" is only worth half credit. The full credit answer is "Why not?"

I have used this as a security question and answer before.
posted by dortmunder at 10:34 AM on October 5, 2015


You guys read too much Umberto Eco.


...not that that's a bad thing.
posted by I-baLL at 10:49 AM on October 5, 2015


Why do you think your 'privacy' matters? Or your 'data' for that matter.

*sips espresso, goes back to Camus paperback*
posted by Happy Dave at 10:51 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why do you think your 'privacy' matters? Or your 'data' for that matter.

Why the 'scare quotes'? Isn't that 'tendentious'?
posted by thelonius at 11:05 AM on October 5, 2015


ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE SURE MY KID IS HANDING IN HIS HOMEWORK ON TIME, I'M NOT TRYING TO CREATE AN OK CUPID ACCOUNT.

New school funding source?

You are a 96% match to James' mother.
You are a 94% match to Alex' father.
--- See More Matches ---
posted by frimble at 11:15 AM on October 5, 2015 [6 favorites]


I-baLL:
The only problem with "Do you know the password?" is that the answer is too short.
posted by Hactar at 11:16 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


No.
posted by I-baLL at 11:18 AM on October 5, 2015


It’s your birthday. Someone gives you a calfskin wallet. How do you react?

You'’ve got a little boy. He shows you his butterfly collection plus the killing jar. What do you do?

You'’re watching television. Suddenly you realise there’s a wasp crawling on your arm.

You're reading a magazine. You come across a full-page nude photo of a girl/guy. You show it to your husband/wife. He/She likes it so much, he/she hangs it on your bedroom wall. The girl/guy is lying on a bearskin rug.

You're watching a stage play - a banquet is in progress. The guests are enjoying an appetiser of raw oysters. The entree consists of boiled dog stuffed with rice. The raw oysters are less acceptable to you than a dish of boiled dog.

You'’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise, it’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on it's back. The tortoise lays on it's back, it's belly baking in the hot sun, beating it's legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that?

Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind about your mother.
posted by frimble at 11:19 AM on October 5, 2015 [19 favorites]


Who are these people who have one favourite song/TV show/colour which sticks with them for the rest of their life? Are they actually real?

If I actually thought about what my favorites were in those categories, I might be pondering a long while, but I do have a mental list of on-the-record, canonical "favorites" which I use for those security questions that are unchanging, regardless of my actual enjoyment of them relative to the other options.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 11:19 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]


Who are these people who have one favourite song/TV show/colour which sticks with them for the rest of their life? Are they actually real?

Does anyone actually like anything, or does everyone just select "favorites" as a form of identity construction in order to fit in with or distinguish themselves from their peers?
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:20 AM on October 5, 2015 [4 favorites]


Let me tell you about my mother.
posted by gwint at 11:24 AM on October 5, 2015 [7 favorites]


Does anyone actually like anything, or does everyone just select "favorites" as a form of identity construction in order to fit in with or distinguish themselves from their peers?

Aw geez. Can I pick a different security question? Your answer field is limited to 255 characters and doesn't accept 1 or 2 as valid characters. How can I answer this, properly cited?
posted by frimble at 11:26 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Is this testing whether I'm an authorized user or a replicant, frimble?
posted by I-baLL at 11:27 AM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]


# When was the first time you recall being in a public space, trying not to cry, not even understanding why you feel like you have to cry?
# How many black shirts and jackets do you own?
# Provide the number of times friends have shown you photos of yourself that they've taken for which you have had to suppress replying, "But that's not me?"
# Which major city on a continent other than the one you were raised in did you first fantasize about being a place that could free you from the feelings you keep having?
# Do you prefer pain or numbness?
posted by ardgedee at 11:28 AM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]


Q: "You stare into the void and become Zarathustra. On your walk home you mug a small child for their cupcake. What is the flavor of the frosting?"

A: Avarice
posted by Ashen at 11:29 AM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]


How old were you when you revisited the songs, films, and television shows you loved as a child, and realize that they held no appeal for you now, and worse, that they actively repelled you, that in fact you had come to loathe the person you once were, and still are, and can never escape, like an imago writhing fitfully in a pupa that will not split open to let you free? And that despite the jejune and disposable quality of these things you once cherished, nothing you have consumed since has come even remotely close to capturing as much of your imaginative devotion? See up there, when you answered an earlier security question, "what is your favorite TV show," and you reflexively spat out "The Walking Dead" despite the fact that the last season and a half remain unwatched on your Netflix account, and have for months, and will likely remain thus for many months more? Can you even name the central characters, now, on the spot, without a quick Googling to jog your memory? Would it trouble you for more than a moment if the show was suddenly cancelled, unfinished?

How old were you when you realized there was not even enough left of yourself to properly despise?
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:30 AM on October 5, 2015 [17 favorites]


How old will you be when you finally realize that your life's work was for naught?

How many seconds ago did you most recently long for death's merciful release?
posted by scruss at 11:55 AM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Q: You're not helping. Why is that, Leon?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:08 PM on October 5, 2015 [5 favorites]


What year of your life has been the most wasted, having no permanent impact on anyone or anything, including yourself?

What formerly beloved movie has been the biggest disappointment to you when you rewatched it?

If you were to meet your 16-year-old self, what would be the source of their biggest dismay about the way you turned out?

What website do you waste the most of your time on--time you should spend working or exercising or bettering yourself?
posted by Pater Aletheias at 12:09 PM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]


On non-preview, prize bull octorok beat me to most of those.

When did you realize that your attempts to be clever on the internet would always be fail to be as clever or as quick as someone else's? When did you realize you that you thought of cleverness as a competition, but it was one you could never win?
posted by Pater Aletheias at 12:12 PM on October 5, 2015 [8 favorites]


What was the last victory you achieved before all subsequent victories felt hollow and meaningless?
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:18 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]


What is the name of your least favorite child? McSweeney.

In what year did you abandon your dreams? Can't remember.

What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress? McSweeney.

At what age did your childhood pet run away? My age or Major's?

What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship? McSweeney.

In what city did you first experience ennui? McSweeney, Massachusetts.

What is your ex-wife’s newest last name? McSweeney.

What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others? The Pats, baby.

What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show? McSweeney's!

What was the middle name of your first rebound? McSweeney's!

On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder? McSweeney Street, McSweeney, Massachusetts.

When did you stop trying? When I submitted to McSweeney's.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:19 PM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Came for the Blade Runner reference, was not disappointed.
posted by Dr Dracator at 12:29 PM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why the 'scare quotes'? Isn't that 'tendentious'?

Only if you 'think' any of this has 'meaning'.
posted by Happy Dave at 12:41 PM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


What is the keen and quivering ratio of anguish that we must pay for each ecstatic instant?
posted by mr. digits at 12:51 PM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


What's the frequency, Kenneth?
posted by oulipian at 12:52 PM on October 5, 2015 [3 favorites]


Whose head would you like your tombstone dropped on?

What is the largest number of times you ever hit the snooze bar on an alarm clock?

When was the first time a dream was a rerun?
When was the first time a dream was a rerun with a different ending?

How many books do you own that you absolutely never want to read again?
How many books do you own that you absolutely never want to read for the first time?

When did you replace mcsweeneys.net with madmagazine.com in your bookmarks?
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:39 PM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


You guys read too much Umberto Eco.

How do you Travel with a Salmon?
posted by MtDewd at 2:41 PM on October 5, 2015


What is your favorite punch?
What is your favorite disease?
What was the first thing you stole?
What was your first lie about?
When did Jesus first speak to you?
How many dollars did you steal from the offering plate?
What finally made you realize everyone is play acting?
Why do you believe you really saw the baby spiders eat their mother?
posted by Oyéah at 2:54 PM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


What comes to mind when first tasting a madeleine?
posted by Chitownfats at 3:17 PM on October 5, 2015 [2 favorites]


When did you first realise the inevitability of maximum entropy?
posted by manbagofmanifestdestiny at 5:26 PM on October 5, 2015


Security questions always make me feel so alone, like it's only me and HAL left, and he's demanding answers. After reading through this thread, I can see all of humanity shares this feeling. And I don't feel so alone anymore.
posted by Tandem Affinity at 7:38 PM on October 5, 2015


When I read these, I hear them in the voice of Werner Herzog.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:58 PM on October 5, 2015


What will you do when my peers make your job redundant within the next five years?
posted by sylvanshine at 10:28 PM on October 5, 2015


Which is your favorite stage of grief?
posted by sylvanshine at 10:29 PM on October 5, 2015 [1 favorite]


Does anyone actually like anything, or does everyone just select "favorites" as a form of identity construction in order to fit in with or distinguish themselves from their peers?

And the identity they construct never evolves to the point where their favourite song/band/book/movie is replaced by a new one?
posted by acb at 3:26 AM on October 6, 2015


And the identity they construct never evolves to the point where their favourite song/band/book/movie is replaced by a new one?

Why would anyone need to do that?
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:09 AM on October 6, 2015


Is there in truth no beauty?
posted by comealongpole at 2:03 PM on October 7, 2015


Least favorite child
I don't care for G.O.B.
posted by duffell at 2:33 AM on October 9, 2015


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