The Millennial Pledge
October 10, 2015 5:37 PM   Subscribe

This post was deleted for the following reason: This is not a winner, looking at the reaction. Sorry. -- restless_nomad



 
wat
posted by chimaera at 5:40 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm not a millenial, but I take it this means that if I ever have a girl I can name her Uber? (or I can name a boy Uber, but only if I'd had him before becoming an adult?

Also, the writer doesn't seem to know what the word bereaved means.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:40 PM on October 10, 2015 [5 favorites]


I will learn to pick my battles.

Oh the fucking irony.
posted by kandinski at 5:43 PM on October 10, 2015 [15 favorites]


fuck this article. i'm so fucking tired of people trying to tell my generation how to live our lives when they didn't have to look the uncompromising lie that is the American Dream straight in the face every day of their own young adult life. at this point i no longer can discern or bother to care if these articles are satire: just fuck off, seriously.
posted by JimBennett at 5:44 PM on October 10, 2015 [35 favorites]


Meh.
posted by cosmologinaut at 5:44 PM on October 10, 2015


i will try not to wonder too much about some 58 year old guy who's laughing and doesn't give a fuck, until i'm over 50 and realize what a boring ass i've been
posted by pyramid termite at 5:44 PM on October 10, 2015


Dear Douchebag Author,

No.


Love, a millennial.
posted by Drinky Die at 5:44 PM on October 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


I can't tell if this is satire or not.
posted by KChasm at 5:45 PM on October 10, 2015 [4 favorites]


Also, this is the recipe:

1/3rd complaints about the young that the old have always had
1/3rd complaints about inconsiderate people that the most soigné have always had
1/3rd complaints about texting

Toss lightly, serves me and me alone because YOU ALL GET OFF MY LAWN
posted by kandinski at 5:46 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


For once, I am going to deliberately identify as a millennial just so that I can use this loophole to be permanently let out of adulthood. Score. I mean, a guy at the LA Times, a reputable news organization, said it was literally true. I am entitled to enjoy my life. I won't waste my time on people I will never find funny. I will consume gratuitous amounts of smut on the internet. Sometimes I will stay up all night until my body absolutely refuses to let me, just because I can. And fuck cursive.

Well, that was freeing.
posted by Sequence at 5:46 PM on October 10, 2015 [5 favorites]


Christ, what an asshole...
posted by Captain l'escalier at 5:47 PM on October 10, 2015 [5 favorites]


I will learn all my siblings' names (even the younger ones).

....what?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 5:47 PM on October 10, 2015 [9 favorites]


This has nothing to do with millennials, this is just some dude being cranky.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:48 PM on October 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


To be fair, JimBennett, they did the same thing to my generation (Gen X) too.
posted by soren_lorensen at 5:48 PM on October 10, 2015 [5 favorites]


I'm pretty sure this is satire, because the guy calls himself 'obviously' a millennial when he's clearly not within the age range he identifies as millennial.

It's pretty unfunny though!
posted by Quilford at 5:48 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


Ah, seriously. I'm on a train right now. I'm so happy the author is not sitting next to me, thinking I'm like minded (I'm not a millenial by a good two decades), and letting me hear what he thinks of them.
posted by kandinski at 5:48 PM on October 10, 2015


Much more interesting, and accurate, designation of cultural generations at HiLoBrow which, great, thanks, now I have to go read it all again because.
posted by emmet at 5:51 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


My mom lives 3000 miles away.
I could hug her every week, but it's going to mean running up those credit cards...

(Not a millennial)
(Not millennial-ist)
(Literally not sure if I spelled "millennial" correctly)

posted by madajb at 5:51 PM on October 10, 2015


*rolls eyes at the old guy*
posted by clvrmnky at 5:52 PM on October 10, 2015


There is literally nothing more tedious in the world than people whining about millennials. Literally. I am not even misusing literally here. Dear millennials: there is nothing wrong with you. Dear everyone else: there is nothing wrong with them. Please shut up and move on to other tedious topics.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:52 PM on October 10, 2015 [11 favorites]


Dear Mr. Erskine,

I feel that you should be aware that some asshole is signing your name to stupid letters and publishing them as columns in the Los Angeles Times.

Sincerely,

A Millennial
posted by zachlipton at 5:53 PM on October 10, 2015 [22 favorites]


The article was so weirdly specific ("I will not spend an entire weekend exploring my own mouth with a coffee straw." wtf?) that I honestly wondering who the author was mad at. The real lesson here is that one should talk to their offspring instead of writing cranky articles.

However, another part of me hopes that this was really written by an artificial intelligence algorithm named TrollBot-3000.
posted by Alison at 5:53 PM on October 10, 2015 [4 favorites]


That doesn't mean that we millennials, ages 18 to 34, can't do better.

I'm a millenial now?

OK, here's my pledge. I pledge that I, without hesitation or trepidation, will tell anyone who deigns to tell me what I must or must not do in order to be considered an 'adult' that I couldn't give a dusty fuck about what they think.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:53 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm pretty sure this is satire, because the guy calls himself 'obviously' a millennial when he's clearly not within the age range he identifies as millennial.

I think that's an attempt at dad humor, Dave Barry style. It's aiming for legitimate "observational" gripes with a dash of comedy. He's not actually writing a self-deprecating satirical piece. (Though it's anyone's guess. I'm confused too.)
posted by naju at 5:53 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


His twitter profile description:

"Deist. Scorpio. Philanthropist with a deep need to give. Discovered method for turning old above-ground pools into starter homes."
posted by HeroZero at 5:54 PM on October 10, 2015


a deep need to give advice to people who don't give a fuck, sure
posted by JimBennett at 5:55 PM on October 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Hey Millenials, please have a big party when the last baby boomer dies.
posted by bonobothegreat at 5:56 PM on October 10, 2015 [7 favorites]


This made me think of the "Getting a Job, a Short Story by Your Parents" FPP, mainly because every single one of these pledge points sounds like it was written by a parent of a millennial. So, I guess this was spot on, assuming that's what he's aiming for.
posted by litera scripta manet at 5:57 PM on October 10, 2015


This has nothing to do with millennials, this is just some dude being cranky who totally forgot the deadline for his column was in like 2 hours and said "Oh shit. I got nothin'. I'm toast. I'll lose my job -- wait. I can always bash milennials. People love that stuff."
posted by Miko at 5:58 PM on October 10, 2015 [5 favorites]


Hey Millenials, please have a big party when the last baby boomer dies.

But by then, they'll be the "olds", getting cranky at the younger generations.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:58 PM on October 10, 2015


Nothing about sunscreen? I'm pretty sure you're supposed to wear sunscreen.
posted by mbrubeck at 5:58 PM on October 10, 2015


Wait, home-made smut is a bad thing? And this is now a millenial-specific problem? Bit of a case of the Old Man Yells at Cloud here, I think.
posted by blnkfrnk at 5:58 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


fuck this article. i'm so fucking tired of people trying to tell my generation how to live our lives when they didn't have to look the uncompromising lie that is the American Dream straight in the face every day of their own young adult life. at this point i no longer can discern or bother to care if these articles are satire: just fuck off, seriously.

I came here to say exactly this. Being able to work a job and have a modest living is the epitome of fucking entitlement? Taking out loans and going to college like everyone fucking told us to and expecting a slightly better than modest life is the epitome of fucking entitlement?

I'm fucking done with stupid shit like this. Everyone, boomer, X, or millennial should be able to work a job and live at least a comfortable existence. If we can't do that we've fucking failed as a society (which we have) and who's at fault is completely fucking irrelevant to this fact. Let's just fix it so millions of people don't have to live in fucking poverty after working a 40 hour week.
posted by Talez at 6:00 PM on October 10, 2015 [8 favorites]


Yeah, that was the other thing I thought. Why should they give up smut? I mean, feel free to give up smut if you want to, but it's not some sort of marker of adulthood. One of the nice things about being an adult is that you can enjoy your smut without worrying that your parents will find out.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 6:00 PM on October 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


I really thought this had to be parody - I was waiting for it to be funny, then it wasn't.

Dear millenials,

Almost everyone who is not a millenial doesn't actually care. Many of us, indeed, have a vague sense that you are "somewhere around 28, is that the millenial age range" or "wow, he's thirty-two, god I'm old" and that's the extent of our awareness of your age. We may not like it if you come in late all the time or text nonstop, but believe us, we've noticed that Gary in Records does the same thing and he's fifty.

Also, we wish we could afford to save 10% of what we make, but actually because of widespread inequality we feel great if we've saving at all.

The other generations
posted by Frowner at 6:02 PM on October 10, 2015 [7 favorites]


I think the second point is about sexting? Because that's somehow worse than professional smut? It's hard to understand; you would think pro-smut vs. Anti-smut would not be a major facet of a discussion of millenials. Yay/nay smut is a timeless argument.
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:03 PM on October 10, 2015


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