Everyone sing along now. EVERYONE.

October 27, 2015 3:32 PM

What's the 13.5? Why, it's 十三五 - China's 13th Five Year Plan. And here's a happy, chirpy pop song and video to explain it all. (slyt)
posted by Devonian (48 comments total)

From this video, I can tell that China's going to beef up investment in domestic ad agencies that can create earworm brand awareness campaigns for Western Millennials and Gen Zs.
posted by infinitewindow at 3:41 PM on October 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

I am in shock. And why must it be this strange country western john denver style in perky americanese?
posted by infini at 3:46 PM on October 27, 2015

That ear-worm makes the lack lack of real popular representation sound great! Sign me up!
posted by cosmic.osmo at 3:47 PM on October 27, 2015

Why is Ziggy Stardust marveling at Chinese planning policy, etc.? S/he would not deign to such lows, I am certain.

Also awesome that this official English ad for this plan goes for a rhyme of the plan itself (in Mandarin) with 'poo.' The best.
posted by BlackPebble at 3:47 PM on October 27, 2015

Chorus!
posted by jazon at 3:53 PM on October 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

Here is what I learned from this video:

China makes some kind of plan every five years

They just made or are making their 13th such plan

Making these plans is a big bureaucratic pain in the ass

Here is what I did not learn:

Anything at all about the plan itself

posted by aubilenon at 3:54 PM on October 27, 2015 [24 favorites]

Gen Z

I will thank you not to borrow without attribution the title of my forthcoming comedy about zombified teenagers
posted by clockzero at 3:55 PM on October 27, 2015 [4 favorites]

Gen Z: The Final Generation
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:58 PM on October 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

Next it just goes to Gen AA
posted by aubilenon at 4:00 PM on October 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

WHAT DID I LITERALLY JUST SAY
posted by clockzero at 4:00 PM on October 27, 2015 [14 favorites]

As a chinese speaker I just closed the window after the second horrendous pronunciation of 十三五
posted by raw sugar at 4:01 PM on October 27, 2015 [14 favorites]

"teenagers"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:01 PM on October 27, 2015

It's no "Indignantly Condemn the Wang-Chang-Chiang-Yao Gang of Four."

I await Bowie's reaction, although perhaps he is above noticing such things. The totally out-of-place Aladdin Sane makeup -- it's not even a glam song! -- does remind me unpleasantly of the thousands of Chinese IP knockoff products that seem to have no relevance whatsoever to their inspiration.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:19 PM on October 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

As a chinese speaker I just closed the window after the second horrendous pronunciation of 十三五

I made it to the third and can confirm that each time it was uttered, it was wrong in a different but no less horrendous way.
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:20 PM on October 27, 2015 [9 favorites]

link I meant to add
posted by Countess Elena at 4:23 PM on October 27, 2015

I will say there is something reassuring about a government having a plan as opposed to letting a market work itself out. The only US government plans I'm aware of have been ended, privatized, or were about executing nuclear warfare. On the other hand, the only place I'm aware of where a command economy worked was in the Culture novels.
posted by infinitewindow at 4:31 PM on October 27, 2015 [2 favorites]

You know who else had a five year plan?

Well, the Soviet Union, obviously (There's even an asteroid), but also Argentina, Bhutan, Ethiopia, India, Nepal, Pakistan, Romania, South Korea, Vietnam and Indonesia.

Hitler? He had a Four Year Plan (for certain values of four).
posted by zamboni at 4:40 PM on October 27, 2015

For the United States, aren't presidential elections like 4 year plans personified?
posted by FJT at 5:07 PM on October 27, 2015 [5 favorites]

I don't know if you've noticed this, but in the US, the president and congress may have different plans.
posted by aubilenon at 5:11 PM on October 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

Don't forget Malaysia. We just unveiled our 11th. (no singing and dancing though) Singapore used too as well, but these days nothing as explicitly so and as comprehensively so.
posted by cendawanita at 5:13 PM on October 27, 2015

Today in Chinese Soft-Power Surreality [Atlantic] This article linked a couple of more videos from Fuxing Road Studio, the creators of this masterpiece.

"When I grow up, I want to be the president of the US / prime minister of the UK/ president of China!"

They also did "The Communist Party of China is with You Along the Way"
posted by honestcoyote at 6:02 PM on October 27, 2015

Here is what I did not learn: Anything at all about the plan itself

The official China youtube channel also has more educational videos to improve your deficient knowledge. Among many, this one has more details.
posted by sfenders at 6:07 PM on October 27, 2015

Knowledge of the plan is not relevant, comrade. One must only support the plan.

Also, a billion people and hundreds of thousands of expats and they really couldn't find anyone who could say 三十五 correctly? Hey China, I'll do it. Pick me.
posted by 1adam12 at 6:14 PM on October 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

The Soviets only got to year 1 of their 13th 5-year plan before the union dissolved. If China finishes the 13th 5-year plan, not only will they beat the Soviets at their own game, it will become the longest existing nominally Communist country in history.
posted by pravit at 6:28 PM on October 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

Do you know who else has five year plans? The USDA. A google search isn't telling me when the agency started doing this, or why we didn't pick a different number of years. But although I am in the middle of writing my next 5-year plan, I wasn't planning on writing a peppy song about it.
posted by acrasis at 6:51 PM on October 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

Say what you want, but at least they're allowed to plan more than 12 months out in advance.
posted by schmod at 7:07 PM on October 27, 2015 [5 favorites]

Say what you want, but at least they're allowed to plan more than 12 months out in advance.

Hey, the Republicans (reportedly, under protest) agreed not to burn down the US until March 2017, that's a whole 18 months!
posted by T.D. Strange at 7:34 PM on October 27, 2015

Here is what I did not learn:

Anything at all about the plan itself


well five year plans are more like five year suggestions
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:13 PM on October 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

Pepsi Red?
posted by Joe in Australia at 8:46 PM on October 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

The official China youtube channel also has more educational videos...

Meanwhile, of course, YouTube is blocked in China.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 9:05 PM on October 27, 2015 [3 favorites]

I honestly misheard one of the times as Susanoo
posted by halifix at 9:19 PM on October 27, 2015

I love it.

I mean, imagine someone comes up to you and says, out of the blue, "Country X has announced its new five year plan!"
Even knowing nothing about Country X, you would probably guess:
1) It does this every five years
2) It probably does this based on lots of discussions, research, think tanks suggestions, etc.
3) After it makes the plan, localities probably have to figure out how to implement the plan on a local level

So this video takes 3 minutes to tell you what could be encapsulated in just 8 words: "China has announced its new five year plan"

Well, I guess they tell you the name. That's something you couldn't guess off-hand. So "China has announced its new five year plan, shi san wu"

I look forward to hearing the eight hour opera that covers the actual Preface, and the three week music festival that covers the Table of Contents.
posted by Bugbread at 10:17 PM on October 27, 2015 [6 favorites]

What I learned is that people will laugh at soul crushing repressive totalitarianism as long as it has a catchy tune.
posted by Justinian at 11:43 PM on October 27, 2015 [1 favorite]

Justinian: "What I learned is that people will laugh at soul crushing repressive totalitarianism as long as it has a catchy tune."

If I made a catchy tune about 最終的解決 and didn't ever explain what it was, it might make people laugh. That doesn't mean that all it takes to make people laugh at Hitler's Final Solution is a catchy tune.

I've got no idea if 13.5 is soul-crushing repressive totalitarianism or not. The video sure as heck didn't tell me anything about it.

Besides which, seriously, there is no way you can honestly believe that if the Chinese government made a catchy tune about Tienanmen Square, MeFites would all be laughing about it.

(I would also heartily laugh at videos by the Japanese government about government bond plans, but not about comfort women, by the North Korean government about cellphone system installation plans, but not about forced labor, by the Cambodian government about light rail construction plans, but not about Pol Pot, etc.)
posted by Bugbread at 12:20 AM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Would you settle for The Inquisition?
posted by ardgedee at 3:34 AM on October 28, 2015

(Granted it's harder to get wound up about things that happened 600 years ago rather than within living memory, but that was still a horrible moment in a miserable time.)
posted by ardgedee at 3:36 AM on October 28, 2015

ardgedee: "Would you settle for The Inquisition ?"

I wasn't expecting that!
posted by Bugbread at 4:47 AM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Biting the hook when shady manipulators actively and overtly seek to meme you is biting the hook, even when you think you're being wry and meta about it.

Don't bite the hook.
posted by sonascope at 5:44 AM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

ardgedee: "Would you settle for The Inquisition ?"

I wasn't expecting that!
posted by Bugbread at 20:47 on October 28

kifsigh.mp3
posted by DoctorFedora at 6:36 AM on October 28, 2015

China isn't totalitarian (that's North Korea), it's authoritarian. In the first, you can't do anything that's not permitted; in the second you have a lot more freedom but you can't choose your authorities and they make rules you can't argue about.

Both, no matter how nasty, are risible. In fact, laughing about them is one of the most powerful and effective forms of maintaining a personal sense of freedom in a repressive regime, which is why satire and mockery are punished so harshly. Having a crime of 'insulting the state' or 'insulting the President' is a powerful signal that, even if a place is a democracy, it is repressive towards its people. Similarly, as society that says "thou shalt not laugh at this, it is Too Serious" is setting itself up for those who then go "I am protecting the Too Serious, thou shalt not say anything against me" and... well, no. Go stick your heard in a pig, you pompous flatulent gibbon is my default position (I do try to be wittier if I'm actually going to making fun of someone. You don't get brownie points if what you do is even stupider than the thing you're mocking.)

It may be in bad taste to laugh about something terrible, but bad taste ain't no crime. Mel Brooks, Monty Python, Private Eye - nobdoy's ever accused these people of acting in good taste. But boy, are they funny and boy, am I glad.

I never want to live anywhere were bad taste is outlawed, nor where making fun of the Chinese Communist Party is seen as somehow dangerous. This is not an institution that does irony! Give it some!

(And, uh, is 'meme' a transitive verb now? Golly.)
posted by Devonian at 6:49 AM on October 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

DoctorFedora: "kifsigh.mp3"

Did you check the link? It really wasn't what I was expecting. Probably not what you're expecting, either.

sonascope: "Biting the hook when shady manipulators actively and overtly seek to meme you is biting the hook, even when you think you're being wry and meta about it.

Don't bite the hook."

...because? I'm seriously trying to figure out what the problem with laughing at this is. "China is terrible, so don't ever do anything that the Chinese government wants you to do"? The Chinese government wants people to hug more. So now I need to stop hugging my kids, because the Chinese government wants me to hug them?
posted by Bugbread at 7:06 AM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Devonian: And, uh, is 'meme' a transitive verb now? Golly.

Sure, this is contemporary English, we can even transitive adjectives if we want! If you're really bold, you can even intransitive.
posted by biogeo at 7:35 AM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Give me time. I haven't even come to accept 'meme' as a noun.
posted by Devonian at 7:44 AM on October 28, 2015

One of the items on the agenda to be discussed during the plenum on the Five-Year Plan this week is the relaxation of the "one-child" policy. The Straits Times summarises the issues to be discussed this week, grouped into 5 categories, and speculates on the outcomes. There is a lot jammed into one paragraph:

"3. SOCIAL REFORMS: China may abolish its one-child policy in a bid to solve the problems of declining birth rates and an ageing population, after dismal results from a loosening of the policy in 2013. The household registration system may also be relaxed to speed up urbanisation and improve incomes and spending."

However, some are skeptical that this will be enough to boost the working population. As BloombergView points out, as China joins the developed world, couples don't want more kids:

"As societies become wealthier and concentrate in cities, couples choose to have fewer kids. A peer-reviewed study from 2012 found that between 2000 and 2005, urbanization accounted for a net decline in fertility in all but three of China’s provinces. The government could try enforcing maternity-leave policies better and providing more generous childcare subsidies. But such policies haven’t really succeeded in Singapore or Japan, and there’s little reason to think that they’d work any better in China."

posted by cynical pinnacle at 8:27 AM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]

Whoa, China is considering abolishing its one-child policy? Quick, MeFites, go kill your secondborns, you wouldn't want to do something the Chinese government also wants to do!
posted by Bugbread at 3:13 PM on October 28, 2015

Awoo Lai, the creative director of BBDO Shanghai, said the company was responsible for the "earworm" in a now-deleted Weibo post (screenshot here).
posted by zhwj at 5:58 PM on October 28, 2015

At least they get to make a five-year plan and stick with it.

In my work, we get the dubious joy of making rolling five-year plans.
That is to say, a new five-year plan every year.

Such planning.
Much consultation.
Wow.
posted by The Outsider at 3:03 AM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]

In my work, we get the dubious joy of making rolling five-year plans.

Also known as the Financial Analysts Full Employment Act.
posted by cynical pinnacle at 11:17 AM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]