MARPUSS
November 8, 2015 10:32 AM Subscribe
It’s a Thursday morning, and you’re sitting around with nothing to do. You had a job, but it exploded, so now you’re stuck here in your boring house. Suddenly, your phone rings. Murder, Cheat, and Fuck Your Way Through Boston
This is the perfect thing to do on a hungover Sunday night when nothing makes any sense anyway. I completed the mission and along the way unconcerned the Super Clicker award (or does everyone get that?) but it was three minutes ago and I can't remember what decision I took to make it. Murdering the Deans I think? i'm also now worried about how much i offend God because i think about my butt on Sundays sometimes
posted by billiebee at 10:48 AM on November 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 10:48 AM on November 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Mutiny! The Cadillac of crimes!
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:54 AM on November 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:54 AM on November 8, 2015 [9 favorites]
Jesus Christ. You have no moral compass at all. You just completely misrepresented your scientific credentials to an actual scientist.
posted by Maecenas at 10:58 AM on November 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Maecenas at 10:58 AM on November 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
I died of old age.
I don't know what I was expecting.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:02 AM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't know what I was expecting.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:02 AM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
The part about the mutiny anthem sung to Bruce Springsteen's Born to Run...hilarious. Six hour coughing fit!
posted by FireFountain at 11:02 AM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by FireFountain at 11:02 AM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
So this isn't Fallout 4 related?
posted by JARED!!! at 11:02 AM on November 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by JARED!!! at 11:02 AM on November 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Mutiny! Mutiny! Mutiny! Mutiny! Mutiny!
We doff our caps to thee, O Mutiny!
Mutiny! The Cadillac of crimes!
I love to take control of a boat,
And when the captain says, “Don’t do that!”
I love to say, “Be quiet! I’m doing it!”
Finally! A crime that’s just for the ocean!
At last! A special mischief you can do on a boat!
posted by miyabo at 11:05 AM on November 8, 2015 [12 favorites]
We doff our caps to thee, O Mutiny!
Mutiny! The Cadillac of crimes!
I love to take control of a boat,
And when the captain says, “Don’t do that!”
I love to say, “Be quiet! I’m doing it!”
Finally! A crime that’s just for the ocean!
At last! A special mischief you can do on a boat!
posted by miyabo at 11:05 AM on November 8, 2015 [12 favorites]
Murder, Cheat, and Fuck Your Way Through Boston
Or, as I like to call it, "Saturday."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:09 AM on November 8, 2015 [18 favorites]
Or, as I like to call it, "Saturday."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:09 AM on November 8, 2015 [18 favorites]
spoiler alert
don't say you're under ten.
it can only end badly.
posted by philip-random at 11:20 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
don't say you're under ten.
it can only end badly.
posted by philip-random at 11:20 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I got my head chopped off.
posted by lagomorphius at 11:24 AM on November 8, 2015
posted by lagomorphius at 11:24 AM on November 8, 2015
What is this...I don't *not* like it, I just don't know what it is.
It's a Clickventure! And they're really hard not to do at work.
posted by greenland at 11:27 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's a Clickventure! And they're really hard not to do at work.
posted by greenland at 11:27 AM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
> You did it! You heroically turned yourself into a one-person crime factory and got the Lord to incinerate the city!
Hopefully the voices in my head telling me this will be the last thing I ever hear.
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:29 AM on November 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Hopefully the voices in my head telling me this will be the last thing I ever hear.
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:29 AM on November 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
Your severed heads are donated to a charity that sends disembodied heads to orphans so that they can practice kissing on them.
I'm useful!
posted by numaner at 11:29 AM on November 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
I'm useful!
posted by numaner at 11:29 AM on November 8, 2015 [6 favorites]
Thought I would be succored by the money ghost, got suckered by her instead
posted by clockzero at 11:31 AM on November 8, 2015
posted by clockzero at 11:31 AM on November 8, 2015
This is the best thing to ever come from clickhole
posted by the bricabrac man at 11:40 AM on November 8, 2015
posted by the bricabrac man at 11:40 AM on November 8, 2015
Making clouds is God’s way of screaming [...].
More facts with which to educate the nieces and nephews.
posted by detachd at 11:48 AM on November 8, 2015 [8 favorites]
More facts with which to educate the nieces and nephews.
posted by detachd at 11:48 AM on November 8, 2015 [8 favorites]
it's like Porpentine's ultra business tycoon iii except without the fourth wall breaking point about loneliness, distraction, and domestic strife but instead is just a random satire of choose-ur-own-adventures
cool
posted by runt at 12:00 PM on November 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
cool
posted by runt at 12:00 PM on November 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
“I seat 38,000 people and I’m fucking a stranger!” screams Fenway Park as you continue to do your genitals to this historic stadium, where legends like Pedro Martinez and Wade Boggs achieved baseball greatness.
man, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that...
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:01 PM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
man, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that...
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:01 PM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
“I love mutiny!” shrieks a 9-year-old girl wearing an Afanasi Matushenko mask.
“If mutiny were a car, I would crawl inside of it to die!” bellows a man wearing a T-shirt that says “I Love To Forcibly Wrest Control Of The Ship Away From My Captain And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt.”
I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE TO THIS UNIVERSE NOW.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:07 PM on November 8, 2015 [16 favorites]
“If mutiny were a car, I would crawl inside of it to die!” bellows a man wearing a T-shirt that says “I Love To Forcibly Wrest Control Of The Ship Away From My Captain And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt.”
I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE TO THIS UNIVERSE NOW.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:07 PM on November 8, 2015 [16 favorites]
OK, none of this has ever happened in Nethack.
posted by thomas j wise at 12:31 PM on November 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by thomas j wise at 12:31 PM on November 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
I died of old age, which is 100% more hardcore than any of the other choices. I mean, have you ever spent time with really old people? Tough as nails.
posted by clvrmnky at 12:41 PM on November 8, 2015
posted by clvrmnky at 12:41 PM on November 8, 2015
Oh my Bus God....
posted by schmod at 12:52 PM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by schmod at 12:52 PM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
OK, none of this has ever happened in Nethack.
posted by thomas j wise at 12:31 PM on November 8 [1 favorite −] Favorite added! [!]
I would completely play a Boston-based theological insurance fraud-themed sin rampage roguelike.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:57 PM on November 8, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by thomas j wise at 12:31 PM on November 8 [1 favorite −] Favorite added! [!]
I would completely play a Boston-based theological insurance fraud-themed sin rampage roguelike.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 12:57 PM on November 8, 2015 [12 favorites]
"Beep beep"
posted by Jalliah at 12:59 PM on November 8, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Jalliah at 12:59 PM on November 8, 2015 [8 favorites]
Also from Clickhole: You're A Single-Celled Organism. Can You Evolve Into A Duck?
posted by teraflop at 1:41 PM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by teraflop at 1:41 PM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
Bus God is a God of Old Testament Wrath. I would think a God raised on the choirs of Mass Transit would be a little more forgiving.
On the other hand, given the way people behave, I image buses might strike motorists and pedestrians alike down with fire if that option were available.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:48 PM on November 8, 2015
On the other hand, given the way people behave, I image buses might strike motorists and pedestrians alike down with fire if that option were available.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:48 PM on November 8, 2015
The Red Dust Of Harmony Gulch: A Tale Of The Wild West
Your horse’s name is Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. (“Dr. Nate” for short). His mother was named Linda: The Horse Who Forgave Judas, and his father was named Professor Ronald Horse, Ph.D. His entire lineage is a who’s who of world-famous equestrian titans.
Bad science happened to Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam when he was a horse puppy and now he can say a handful of English words. His grammar is terrible because of his brain, but it’s still pretty amazing for a horse.
“We have done a delicious memory as more if many and it’s several. And plus forever!” Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam says. His voice is kind and full of friendship.
He can actually be very eloquent when he wants to be, but mostly he is stoic and only speaks occasionally, just like the taciturn, blood-red rocks of the unforgiving Wild West.
posted by Iridic at 2:40 PM on November 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
Your horse’s name is Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. (“Dr. Nate” for short). His mother was named Linda: The Horse Who Forgave Judas, and his father was named Professor Ronald Horse, Ph.D. His entire lineage is a who’s who of world-famous equestrian titans.
Bad science happened to Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam when he was a horse puppy and now he can say a handful of English words. His grammar is terrible because of his brain, but it’s still pretty amazing for a horse.
“We have done a delicious memory as more if many and it’s several. And plus forever!” Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam says. His voice is kind and full of friendship.
He can actually be very eloquent when he wants to be, but mostly he is stoic and only speaks occasionally, just like the taciturn, blood-red rocks of the unforgiving Wild West.
posted by Iridic at 2:40 PM on November 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
I ended up getting taking shelter from a rainstorm with a young debutante engaged to marry a man she doesn't love.
posted by Flashman at 3:20 PM on November 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Flashman at 3:20 PM on November 8, 2015 [7 favorites]
This reads like fafblog.
the gorillas of memory
The other day a guy comes up to me an says "The thing about life is you can't have any regrets" an I says "what about the gorilla" an he says "don't regret the gorilla" an I says "what about the leprechauns then" an he says "don't regret them neither" an I says "well what about the muskox or the obelisk or the radish king" an he goes "nope nope nope" an I'm gettin into this now an I says "not even the terrible time tortoise" an he says "I loved the terrible time tortoise" an I figure this guy is the smartest guy ever an we're dancin jigs an singin songs an he gets eaten by a gorilla. The gorilla, she always remembers.
There was a point to this story and one day I will remember what it is and one day when you come back to read it it will be here again.
which is a really really good thing.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:42 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
the gorillas of memory
The other day a guy comes up to me an says "The thing about life is you can't have any regrets" an I says "what about the gorilla" an he says "don't regret the gorilla" an I says "what about the leprechauns then" an he says "don't regret them neither" an I says "well what about the muskox or the obelisk or the radish king" an he goes "nope nope nope" an I'm gettin into this now an I says "not even the terrible time tortoise" an he says "I loved the terrible time tortoise" an I figure this guy is the smartest guy ever an we're dancin jigs an singin songs an he gets eaten by a gorilla. The gorilla, she always remembers.
There was a point to this story and one day I will remember what it is and one day when you come back to read it it will be here again.
which is a really really good thing.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:42 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Who'da thought fucking Fenway Park would end up badly? Not me, that's for sure.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:12 PM on November 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 5:12 PM on November 8, 2015 [5 favorites]
I never expected to be the only person on metafilter that tried to fuck a physicist.
posted by Hoopo at 6:00 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Hoopo at 6:00 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Fun fact, Hoopo! I've been shot down twice by astrophysicists recently. I only know two astrophysicists. Well, three, but ones a guy.
posted by Jacen at 7:09 PM on November 8, 2015
posted by Jacen at 7:09 PM on November 8, 2015
I just want to know if being a duck is actually possible...
posted by Night_owl at 7:24 PM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Night_owl at 7:24 PM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
At first I thought "that sounds like a fun vacation."
Then, I clicked the link and thought "that sounds like the BEST VACATION."
posted by louche mustachio at 8:22 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
Then, I clicked the link and thought "that sounds like the BEST VACATION."
posted by louche mustachio at 8:22 PM on November 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I just want to know if being a duck is actually possible...
I did some math about it and I am pretty sure it is not.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:24 PM on November 8, 2015
I did some math about it and I am pretty sure it is not.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:24 PM on November 8, 2015
Ah! Harvard University! The special jail where people with too much math are imprisoned forever and forced to teach each other about poems. It is one of the cruelest and most prestigious prisons, not just in Boston, but in the entire state of Marpuss.
omgggggggggggg
posted by en forme de poire at 12:20 AM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
omgggggggggggg
posted by en forme de poire at 12:20 AM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
“Cambridge” is a French word meaning, “It’s Boston, everybody.”
literally dead
posted by en forme de poire at 12:21 AM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
literally dead
posted by en forme de poire at 12:21 AM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
The letter from the mayor reminds me of the robocalls we get in Somerville, sometimes from the mayor (Joe Curtatone) about snow emergencies and stuff. They go to ignignokt's Google Voice number, and get badly transcribed into messages from "Joker Tony" or "Mary Joe Credit Twenty" from the "city of Summer Bell." I am almost certain they mention Bus God. So, yeah, this a pretty accurate depiction of Boston and the creator of this clearly did their research.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:02 AM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:02 AM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
I just want to know if being a duck is actually possible...
It is possible to be a duck. I did it twice.
posted by i feel possessed at 11:40 AM on November 9, 2015
It is possible to be a duck. I did it twice.
posted by i feel possessed at 11:40 AM on November 9, 2015
not to brag or anything but I was both a duck and a picture of a duck.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 6:25 PM on November 9, 2015
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 6:25 PM on November 9, 2015
OMG I AM DUCK
posted by Night_owl at 6:44 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Night_owl at 6:44 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Clickhole is a very deep and clicky hole.
posted by Night_owl at 6:44 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Night_owl at 6:44 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
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posted by Drumhellz at 10:40 AM on November 8, 2015 [3 favorites]