Baby Hitler
November 9, 2015 12:48 PM   Subscribe

On October 23, The New York Times Magazine caused a stir when they released the results of their reader poll: "If you could go back and kill Hitler as a baby, would you do it?" US presidential candidate Jeb Bush is now the first of the candidates to announce, on video, that he would do so.
posted by Greg Nog (255 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's Request -- frimble



 
Poor Jeb. Even if he had a well-considered answer (e.g. shower baby Hitler with art supplies), what else can he say? His audience doesn't do nuance.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:50 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Per Twitter, I would love to see a similar question come up at one of the debates. The catch is that the asker would replace Adolf Hitler with, say, Jefferson Davis or John C. Calhoun.
posted by zombieflanders at 12:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [28 favorites]


Clearly he hasn't read the International Association of Time Travelers bulletin 1147.
posted by Rangi at 12:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [57 favorites]


Jeb Bush is a baby killer who doesn't know the name of the movie Back to the Future.

Got it.
posted by bondcliff at 12:52 PM on November 9, 2015 [14 favorites]


His audience doesn't do nuance.

Nonetheless, aren't they usually against baby murder? Or do they only care when it's still in the womb?
posted by Sys Rq at 12:53 PM on November 9, 2015 [16 favorites]


Jeb Bush has claimed that he would go back in time to kill baby Hitler. I say to you, friends, is this the kind of person you want leading the free world? Jeb Bush does not have the fortitude to do the things that REALLY need to be done.

Friends, I would go back in time and kill DOUBLE HITLER. Jeb Bush can't make that claim! He would only go back and kill one Hitler! And, in fact, in the coming days I will be publishing my plans for dealing with MECHA HITLER as well!

Vote with a clear conscience that ALL HITLERS will be dealt with under my administration!
posted by backseatpilot at 12:53 PM on November 9, 2015 [24 favorites]


Yeah, why wasn't it FETAL Hitler, this poll has failed me.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:56 PM on November 9, 2015 [32 favorites]


I'm so glad our political discourse has reached the level of an episode of Danger 5.
posted by dortmunder at 12:56 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


...and he opposes abortion, because killing babies.
posted by Gelatin at 12:56 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


It's the kind of straightforward answer that Jeb wishes he could have given back when people asked him if the Iraq War was the right thing to do in retrospect. Fortunately this one only involved killing a baby and not other, more complicated considerations.
posted by AndrewInDC at 12:56 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


Judging by the historical record, backseatpilot, you already will have had killed Double Hitler! (And Mecha Hitler.) You've got my vote!
posted by Rangi at 12:56 PM on November 9, 2015 [15 favorites]


Why not just kill Hitler's mother? That way you don't have to kill a baby. Or do you prefer to kill babies, Jeb Bush?
posted by bondcliff at 12:57 PM on November 9, 2015 [25 favorites]


So brave. What a bold stance, to be opposed to Hitler.
posted by entropicamericana at 12:58 PM on November 9, 2015 [103 favorites]


Also conveys a basic competence in understanding the risks of time travel and history alteration. Already way more qualified than his brother.
posted by Nelson at 12:59 PM on November 9, 2015


So far we have one Republican presidential candidate insisting that he really is an attempted murderer, and another who recorded himself saying he would kill a baby. What a campaign.
posted by Rangi at 12:59 PM on November 9, 2015 [49 favorites]


And, in fact, in the coming days I will be publishing my plans for dealing with MECHA HITLER as well!

It's been done.
posted by Gelatin at 1:00 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Actually, that's a more challenging question... Jeb Bush, would you go back in time and have Hitler's mom have an abortion? Or is it only fair game to murder him at the moment he emerges from the womb and takes his first breath?
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:01 PM on November 9, 2015 [57 favorites]


Why not just kill Hitler's mother? That way you don't have to kill a baby. Or do you prefer to kill babies, Jeb Bush?

Why not just seduce Hitler's mother, beating his father to the punch? Then you get to go back in time and get laid, and avoid paying child support. Think big people.
posted by dortmunder at 1:01 PM on November 9, 2015 [38 favorites]


Why not just kill Hitler's mother?

I can think of a war that had been different if you had gone back in time and killed Barbara Bush...
posted by Ber at 1:01 PM on November 9, 2015 [12 favorites]


Per Twitter, I would love to see a similar question come up at one of the debates. The catch is that the asker would replace Adolf Hitler with, say, Jefferson Davis or John C. Calhoun.

What if you had a shot a Hitler, but your superbullet's path through the time-space continuum would take it straight through Reagan as well? What say you, candidates?
posted by AndrewInDC at 1:02 PM on November 9, 2015 [12 favorites]


No, no, no, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: if you want to stop/delay the terrors of the 20th century you don't kill Hitler, you kill Bernays.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 1:02 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


The real trick is to kill wounded military pride, a decade of total economic disaster, and centuries of underlying racial resentment, as a baby
posted by theodolite at 1:03 PM on November 9, 2015 [109 favorites]


What if you had a shot a Hitler

Jeez, how many Hitlers are there?
posted by clockzero at 1:04 PM on November 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


Rangi: "Clearly he hasn't read the International Association of Time Travelers bulletin 1147."

Dammit Rangi you stole my comment.

(And yeah, wow, the abortion thing had not occurred to me but this has suddenly turned into a much more interesting question to ask politicians!)

I used to put this question as an essay on a business ethics final; to show me they understood the various ethical systems we'd studied, they had to analyze the question according to any three ethical systems they chose, and then tell me their own answer. My favorite was a guy who did a really nice job analyzing his systems, but when he had to decide his actual answer, he couldn't come to terms with either killing a baby or allowing Hitler to live, so he decided the best thing to do would be drop him on his head several times in the hopes of causing brain damage without killing him. I gave him full marks for creative thinking.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:05 PM on November 9, 2015 [48 favorites]


Really, all you'd have to do is stop the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, now that I think about it. No First World War, no Second World War.
posted by dortmunder at 1:06 PM on November 9, 2015 [10 favorites]




"Mr Governor, would you travel back in time and shake baby Hitler?"
posted by poffin boffin at 1:07 PM on November 9, 2015 [13 favorites]


theodolite: "The real trick is to kill wounded military pride, a decade of total economic disaster, and centuries of underlying racial resentment, as a baby"

If you could go back in time and kill the Treaty of Versailles as a baby ...
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:07 PM on November 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


Instead of using time machines to hand out retroactive Plan B prescriptions, why not use the same time machines to improve the lives of the families in the region generations earlier, bypass WW1 altogether, and provide no sociopolitical pathway to a Nazi state?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:07 PM on November 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


Too late! Somebody already did it.
posted by rikschell at 1:08 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


Wait, would I, as a baby, kill Hilter, or would I kill Hitler while HE was a baby? That question could be phrased better.

If we were BOTH babies, I'd probably have the jump on him. I was a ten-pounder, and Mom says I hardly ever cried when I got hurt. So, big, muscular Yankee babybrute with no sense of pain up against little Adi with his sensitive artist's fingers; I probably would have just smothered him in his cradle like Hercules or something.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:08 PM on November 9, 2015 [41 favorites]


Say what you will about Hitler, but at least he killed Hitler.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:09 PM on November 9, 2015 [245 favorites]


Instead of using time machines to hand out retroactive Plan B prescriptions, why not use the same time machines to improve the lives of the families in the region generations earlier

What do you think he's trying to do, demonstrate how to run a country? He's got a presidential campaign to worry about!
posted by AndrewInDC at 1:09 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


would you travel back in time to warn harold godwinson that william the bastard was on his way
posted by poffin boffin at 1:10 PM on November 9, 2015 [17 favorites]


The Underpants Monster: "If we were BOTH babies, I'd probably have the jump on him. I was a ten-pounder"

If you could go back in time, would you kill baby Hitler using another baby as a bludgeon?
posted by boo_radley at 1:12 PM on November 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


Jeez, how many Hitlers are there?

Well, we've established at least three in this thread already...
posted by Itaxpica at 1:13 PM on November 9, 2015


This wasn't so bad as the framing led me to believe. I guess he sounded a little eager when talking about hypothetical baby killing, but it's a silly question anyway.

It would have been more interesting if the option was whether he would try to convince Hitler's mother to get an abortion.
posted by zixyer at 1:13 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


This should help when you have going past for historical modifications.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:14 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Maybe just take some blueprints for an M1 Abrams back in time and and start handing them out in Poland and France. No need to kill any babies.
posted by bondcliff at 1:14 PM on November 9, 2015


You know who else killed Hitler?
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 1:14 PM on November 9, 2015 [59 favorites]


So brave. What a bold stance, to be opposed to Hitler.


To be fair, at the rate they're going, clarifying whether or not you are anti-Hitler is going to be something even the most mainstream member of the GOP is going to have to do by the time 2016 rolls around. Jeb! is just getting out in front of the announcements.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:15 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


Maybe just take some blueprints for an M1 Abrams back in time and and start handing them out in Poland and France. No need to kill any babies.

Right, the sabot should keep them intact during the firing process.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:15 PM on November 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


You know what would be awesome? A time machine made out of babies!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:15 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


But if he went back in time and killed Baby Hitler, we wouldn't have had Adult Hitler. And without Adult Hitler, the Bush family wouldn't have the money to run for president. It's a time paradox!
posted by kafziel at 1:18 PM on November 9, 2015 [68 favorites]


would you travel back in time to warn harold godwinson that william the bastard was on his way

"hey, yeah, so listen this guy William is coming to conquer you, but before we get to that, why do you people have nine fucking conjugations?
posted by clockzero at 1:18 PM on November 9, 2015 [14 favorites]


Yeah, the only way to make this ethically palatable, is to send a baby back to do it. 2 babies enter a ring, only one leaves. And if baby Hitler wins, you keep sending new babies back. And if Baby Hitler keeps winning, you better watch out, because a Hitler that grew up killing baby after baby in hand to hand combat is an unstoppable bad ass killing machine.

In conclusion, I am not in favor of trying to kill Baby Hitler. The risk of creating a serial baby killing Ultra Hitler is just too great.

Jen Bush: wrong on Baby Hitler, wrong for America.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:19 PM on November 9, 2015 [23 favorites]


Would Jeb! kill and then EAT baby Hitler? Coz I bet you dollars to donuts that Trump would.
posted by rikschell at 1:19 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Yeah, the only way to make this ethically palatable, is to send a baby back to do it. 2 babies enter a ring, only one leaves.

And since most babies look like Winston Churchill this would be double awesome.
posted by bondcliff at 1:20 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


Wasn't this the plot of a Twilight Zone ep?

A person invented a time machine and went back and killed the baby Adolf Hitler... but the family (or the nanny, whatever) covered it up by replacing the real Hitler with a Roma child, and he was the one who grew up to be the murderous dictator (and it explained his dark hair relatively non-Aryan appearance).

So my point is I wouldn't go back to kill baby Hitler because someone already did and now look where it got us.
posted by The Notorious SRD at 1:21 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Why not just seduce Hitler's mother, beating his father to the punch? Then you get to go back in time and get laid, and avoid paying child support.

Because then you'd return to the present only to discover that you were Hitler's real father all along. (I can't believe I still have to explain this stuff.)
posted by The Tensor at 1:21 PM on November 9, 2015 [44 favorites]


Wait a minute -- did Hitler commit suicide to prevent the birth of a Baby Hitler? What if Hitler was preventing a worse future from happening by stopping that Baby Hitler? What if Hitler was doing good by that?

*braincramp*
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:22 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Nuke the baby from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
posted by AndrewInDC at 1:22 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


Pickles. Mustard.
posted by lagomorphius at 1:23 PM on November 9, 2015


Would Jeb! kill and then EAT baby Hitler?

No, he eats shoots and leaves.
posted by octobersurprise at 1:25 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


JEB! CAN FIX IT!
posted by bitdamaged at 1:25 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


After Terri Schiavo, Jeb! lost his baby-Hitler-killing privileges.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 1:26 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


It's Raining Florence Henderson: "You know what would be awesome? A time machine made out of babies!"

Baby.......

wait for it........

wait for IT........

Baby Hitlers?
posted by Samizdata at 1:26 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


We're laughing now, but if someone invents time travel in the next nine years this is all going to be a lot less hypothetical.
posted by nonasuch at 1:26 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Would Jeb! kill and then EAT baby Hitler? Coz I bet you dollars to donuts that Trump would.

Trump wouldn't kill and then eat baby Hitler. He's just swallow Baby Hitler whole and let the digestive juices kill him very, very slowly. Trump is Sarlaac, is what I'm saying, and Hitler doesn't stand a chance! Sarlaac: Making America Chime Again.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:26 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


I think Elvis already covered this situation.
posted by rikschell at 1:26 PM on November 9, 2015


Also, the whole baby Hitler thing presupposes the world would be better without him.

What if, without the manufacturing might of German, it isn't?

Bah bah BAHHHHHHHHHHH!
posted by Samizdata at 1:27 PM on November 9, 2015


Greg Nog: "Yeah, the only way to make this ethically palatable, is to send a baby back to do it. 2 babies enter a ring, only one leaves.

Frankly, the idea of putting babies in some of "fighting ring" is disgusting. It would be much cheaper AND easier to simply place them both in a big jar and then shake it
"

Hang on a sec, BRB. Got an idea for "Will It Blend"...
posted by Samizdata at 1:28 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Where does Clinton stand on the baby Hitler issue?
posted by mattoxic at 1:29 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


But if he went back in time and killed Baby Hitler, we wouldn't have had Adult Hitler. And without Adult Hitler, the Bush family wouldn't have the money to run for president. It's a time paradox!

Seriously.
posted by Sys Rq at 1:29 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Clinton wants to sign Baby Hitler's mother up for free healthcare.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:31 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Send a baby? We just need Skynet.
posted by lmfsilva at 1:32 PM on November 9, 2015


If time travel is ever invented at any point it would theoretically be possible to use it from any other point right? So Jeb is obviously a liar - why isn't he spending his time lurking around police call boxes or whatever waiting to surprise a time traveler and hijack their time machine? DOES HE REALLY EVEN CARE ABOUT THE URGENT NEED TO KILL BABY HITLER? All GOP candidates serious about killing baby Hitler should devote their time and campaign funding to setting up surveillance on all possible places where a time machine could pop in so as to be able to steal it for purposes of assassinating potentially evil babies.

The United States' political discourse continues to reach new and undreamt of levels of idiocy.
posted by Wretch729 at 1:32 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


This would have been a good opportunity for Jeb to say he'd take Baby Hitler back to the future with him and put him in one of those charter schools in Florida that he's been bragging about, but I guess even Hitler isn't immune to the soft bigotry of low expectations.
posted by AndrewInDC at 1:33 PM on November 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


would you travel back in time to warn harold godwinson that william the bastard was on his way

Harold knew. What he didn’t know was that his brother Tostig and Harald Hardraade were on their way (or at least, if he knew he was seriously discounting it). That was the real shocker. The clash at Fulford was the key moment in 1066. Had Edwin and Morcar managed to win, then Harold Godwinson could have called off his northward march, saved his forces, and more swiftly faced Williame. As it was, Edwin, Morcar, and Harold actually did their level best in a really bad situation. In September 1066 almost 20,000 enemy soldiers landed in ten days—a really astounding number for the time. Harold likely would have aced either threat alone.
posted by Emma May Smith at 1:34 PM on November 9, 2015 [13 favorites]


If the rise of Donald Trump makes anything clear, it's that killing Hitler would just force his constituency of enraged, violent brownshirts driven by racial hatred to find someone else to lead them.
posted by Naberius at 1:34 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


All to easy to say you would have done that which you had not done. I would have taken Jesus down from the cross . oops. What would that do for Christianity?
posted by Postroad at 1:34 PM on November 9, 2015


In Stephen Fry's Making History, time travelers prevent the birth of Hitler (contraceptives in the water, not murder), and in his stead another leader takes over Germany in the 30s and 40s. Gloder. Gloder is like Hitler in the killing of Jews and Roma and homosexuals, but a better political and military leader, and *wins* WW2. Oops.

And that would be scenario in which a member of the Bush family kills baby Hitler without a good understanding of the consequences and a follow-through plan.
posted by kandinski at 1:34 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


really though i would travel back in time to kidnap ulfberht and fast forward a bit to deliver him to the sapa inca and then sit back and wait for conquistador kebab hilarity
posted by poffin boffin at 1:35 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


You should not travel back and kill Baby Hitler unless you also have the technology to create Baby Antihitler. Then you go back, smash Baby Hitler and Baby Antihitler together and WHAMMO! A new universe.

There are some who claim that this has already happened and instead of a Big Bang, it created Eurovision.
posted by delfin at 1:37 PM on November 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


Forget killing Hitler once, if elected, I promise to kill Hitler until the money runs out. As soon as someone returns from killing him, the next person in line steps into the machine and travels back to the moment immediately before the previous person killed him and then kills him then. You can never be too safe.
posted by feloniousmonk at 1:37 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


Wait wait wait.

Who would we have to compare with his various family members if he succeeded?

Mind. Blown.
posted by clvrmnky at 1:37 PM on November 9, 2015


I love you beautiful nerds.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:38 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


In Stephen Fry's Making History, time travelers prevent the birth of Hitler (contraceptives in the water, not murder), and in his stead another leader takes over Germany in the 30s and 40s. Gloder. Gloder is like Hitler in the killing of Jews and Roma and homosexuals, but a better political and military leader, and *wins* WW2. Oops.

Right. That's why any sane plan would kill Baby Hitler and replace him with an even Hitlerier dummy Baby Hitler.
posted by AndrewInDC at 1:38 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I would have taken Jesus down from the cross . oops. What would that do for Christianity?

i would have explained that hundreds of years down the line millions of people would be misinterpreting his message to harm millions of other people and also falsely proclaiming him to be the messiah and i imagine he would have climbed down himself and went to get a falafel
posted by poffin boffin at 1:38 PM on November 9, 2015 [16 favorites]


But Eyebrows McGee, what if dropping Baby Hitler on his head several times is how Hitler became Hitler? Just brain damaged enough to have the mask of sanity long enough to get into power, then goes full Hitler? This must have been how it happened! Your student did it!
posted by Soliloquy at 1:39 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Stupid Baby Hitlers need the most attention.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:39 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Nevermind Hitler. I'd go after Ayn Rand.

I don't know if I'd actually *kill* Ayn Rand, but I'd definitely go back in time and try to get her deported when she was in the US illegally.
posted by rmd1023 at 1:39 PM on November 9, 2015 [27 favorites]


Hitler Babies is my favorite Saturday morning cartoon.
posted by rikschell at 1:40 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


After Terri Schiavo, Jeb! lost his baby-Hitler-killing privileges.

On the other hand, if Jeb! puts Baby-Hitler into a persistent vegetative state and is forced to keep Baby-Hitler alive indefinitely, then that would be appropriately ironic punishment for Baby-Hitler and Jeb!
posted by a lungful of dragon at 1:41 PM on November 9, 2015


So, Jeb Bush, how long have you been in favor of murdering babies?

116 years, apparently.
posted by univac at 1:43 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Maybe Jeb was confused by that old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, kill Baby Hitler once, shame on — shame on you. Kill Baby Hilter — he can't get killed again.
posted by Kabanos at 1:43 PM on November 9, 2015 [48 favorites]


If I could go back in time I would be into murdering Hitler babies before it was cool.
posted by univac at 1:44 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Yeah, the theme song to Muppet Babies has been stumbling through my head for an hour, now.

Hitler Babaaaaabies...
We make our demons come through
Hitler Babaaaaabies...
We'll do the same for you
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:44 PM on November 9, 2015 [14 favorites]


Man, as soon as the Hitlers had their baby they stopped hanging out and have no time for any of their friends. I wish someone would kill their baby.
posted by bondcliff at 1:44 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


Jeb! last week in Iowa stated "I eat nails when I wake up, then I have breakfast." in order to come off more high energy and macho. Now he's talkin about "stepping up" and killing baby Hitler.

He's gonna tea-bag his opponents in the next debate.

What an insane joke this guy is.
posted by tittergrrl at 1:45 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


So exactly how well-versed are the readers of the NYTimes Magazine in temporal mechanics and causality logic?
posted by polymodus at 1:46 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Right, but what if he tea-bagged Hitler? Who would be the joke, THEN?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:47 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


A more interesting question is that, were you able to time travel, at what point would you think it ethical to kill Hitler? (Assuming you had to kill him openly, justify the killing to his time, and justify your delay to your own time.)
posted by Emma May Smith at 1:47 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


If you could go back in time, would you kill baby Hitler using another baby as a bludgeon?

A sort of pinch-Hitler-hitter, if you will?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:47 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Also, I have it on good authority that Baby Hitler contains secret compartments meant for grain storage.
posted by delfin at 1:48 PM on November 9, 2015 [20 favorites]


I'm afraid we're still ten years away from irony-free time travel. Used to be only five years, but fucking Stuart tried to jump the gun.
posted by Iridic at 1:48 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Bush revealed his weakness on foreign policy with this response. A more considered response would have been, "No, because I could achieve the same noble end without resorting to extrajudicial killing. What I would do on my first day as Time Traveler would be to go back and time and pick up the wee Baby Hitler, and then go forward in time to deliver the wee baby Hitler to the Nuremberg Tribunal.
posted by univac at 1:49 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Baby Hitler was built by Joseph.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:49 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Even if he had a well-considered answer (e.g. shower baby Hitler with art supplies), what else can he say?

"That's a ridiculous question. Why don't we talk about about the real issues facing our country?"
*pivots into abortion/healthcare/immigration/guncontrol/whatevs*

I mean seriously: sidestepping inane questions into your campaign talking points is pretty much media training 101, no?
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 1:50 PM on November 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


Do we know for sure Jeb wouldn't just murder a random baby?
posted by Artw at 1:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


babies can have their own lawyers in alabama now don't forget

this brings us to the thorny problem of finding a jury of his peers without further time travel to kidnap infant genocidal maniacs
posted by poffin boffin at 1:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Wouldn't it be a lot more practical and less worrisome to time travel back and just shoot Hitler during WWI, instead of worrying about killing Baby Hitler and with the ethical considerations of killing babies as opposed to a legitimate military target, or is that a dumb question?
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Which of the GOP candidates is going to interrupt the debates to be the first to say they are actually a time traveller from the future here to fix the future, like some sort of Ultra Conservative Kyle Reese?

I'd have probably said Ben Carson until a few weeks ago, but he's obviously got some sort of weird Stargate/Otherworld pyramid thing going on, so now my moneys on Bobby Jindal in a desperate attempt to return to the main stage.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:52 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


Of course you can't kill baby Hitler. You can't punish people for things they haven't done yet and while the Hitler of our past is an evil man who no one in their right mind would oppose the killing of, baby Hitler is innocent just like all babies. That baby has not yet committed any atrocities and you've now traveled back in time thereby altering the timeline. You have no way to predict with 100% certainty whether or not baby Hitler will grow up to be the same as the adult Hitler from our timeline.

Additionally, you now have the power to prevent those crimes from happening by non-violent means. If your goal is to prevent WWII and the atrocities that come with it and you have a way to do it without killing anyone at all. Killing baby Hitler is clearly the wrong answer.

So now Jeb has come in favor of killing innocent babies, punishing people for crimes they've not yet committed, and has failed to recognize a moral dilemma or at least failed to provide his audience with proof that he has and has carefully considered that dilemma in giving his answer.
posted by VTX at 1:53 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


For real though Jeb's staff are probably just reading the polls and showing him graphs that have ELECTION POINTS on one axis and CRAZY BULLSHIT on the other
posted by theodolite at 1:54 PM on November 9, 2015 [13 favorites]


Maybe the trick is to travel back in time and set up a SuperPAC for Otto Weis and the SPD to help them in the 1933 Reichstag election.
posted by The Notorious SRD at 1:54 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Hitler was pretty bad at war, an incompetent who frequently ordered his generals into total disaster. Kill Hitler and you risk having a more competent Nazi regime that lasts longer and kills more people.

Also, any change whatsoever to 20th century history would mean we don't get the astonishing good luck of avoiding nuclear war. The string of coincidences and right-person-at-the-right-times that have averted Armaggeddon over and over give some reason to think that time travellers have already intervened in our past.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:55 PM on November 9, 2015 [13 favorites]


2 babies enter a ring, only one leaves.

The trick would be to go back and get Baby Jesus to enter the ring with Baby Hitler.

"…and in this corner… from his hometown of Nazareth, Galilee...'SWEEEEEEEEEEET' BABY JESUS!!!!"

It's win-win. Either Jesus kills Hitler, which is obviously great, or Jesus still dies for our sins and we're no worse off than when we started, except we have the added bonus of an exciting world-class evening of sports entertainment beamed live from Las Vegas.
posted by Kabanos at 1:57 PM on November 9, 2015 [14 favorites]


Everyone knows if you go back in time to do something you get the opposite of what you wanted. Your time machine smashes into Hitler's office, saves Hitler and knocks out the other time-traveling shape-shifting robot ship staffed by miniaturized space british who were also there to kill Hitler.
posted by bleep at 2:02 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


babies can have their own lawyers in alabama now don't forget

Hang on, writing screenplay for a My Cousin Vinny prequel.
posted by AndrewInDC at 2:04 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Also how has nobody linked to the relevant SMBC comic yet?
posted by Wretch729 at 2:05 PM on November 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


Speaking of Doctor Who, the first person who says that they'd go back in time and instill a quality of mercy into Baby Davros Hitler gets my vote.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:06 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


The string of coincidences and right-person-at-the-right-times that have averted Armaggeddon over and over give some reason to think that time travellers have already intervened in our past.

Okay but then how come we got President GWB? And why didn't anyone stop me before I dated that really bad ex-boyfriend that one time?
posted by sallybrown at 2:06 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Following that line of reasoning, Justsomebody, leads me to ask, "What if preventing WWII causes something worse?" Then next question is, "What if time travelers have already tried everything and the history that we have is best compromise that they can manage and any other changes to the timeline result in a timeline worse than the current one?"

If GOP candidates are supposed to be all for small government, shouldn't the answer be, "Heck no. The government should interfere with the past as little as it can and not at all if they can help it. The only thing I could do is screw it up more."
posted by VTX at 2:06 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Why not just seduce Hitler's mother, beating his father to the punch?

Adolf Bush.

What could possibly go wrong?
posted by Kabanos at 2:09 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm actually pretty shocked Jeb! didn't incompetently equivocate his answer to this one. I would have expected a long-winded rambly thing about how changing the past could harm the future etc, following by 50 million news headlines about "Jeb! Refuses to Kill Hitler," "Jeb! Cradles Baby Hitler" etc. Because that's the level of his campaign prowess so far.
posted by sallybrown at 2:09 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Jeb Bush has claimed that he would go back in time to kill baby Hitler.

Clearly we need to send a marine battalion back in time to protect Hitler.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:09 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


What about if we just stole baby Hitler from his parents and gave him to a nice Jewish family that couldn't conceive?
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:10 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Adolf Bush.

Stuff happens.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 2:11 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


...I bet you dollars to donuts...

I guess that expression originated at a time when donuts cost less than a dollar.
posted by Sir Rinse at 2:13 PM on November 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


And to think there's a whole year of this ahead and we're already at Hitler baby murders
posted by the uncomplicated soups of my childhood at 2:21 PM on November 9, 2015 [34 favorites]


I like that he forgot Michael J. Fox's middle initial and just called him "Michael Fox." MIDDLE INITIALS ARE REAL DAMN IMPORTANT IN YOUR FAMILY JEB.
posted by almostmanda at 2:22 PM on November 9, 2015 [12 favorites]


Michael J. Fox's real middle initial is A. He couldn't use "Michael Fox" because there was already an actor using that name, and he didn't want to be "Michael, a fox."

THE MORE YOU KNOW...
posted by Etrigan at 2:25 PM on November 9, 2015 [14 favorites]


Look, EVERYBODY knows that if you go back in time and kill Baby Hitler, it creates an irony sink in the space-time continuum that inevitably results in a competent alternate Hitler, or a replacement Roma Hitler, or whatever. The ONLY responsible way to prevent WWII is to live in the past long-term as Young Hitler's wise friend and mentor who steers him down the right path. You have to be Hitler's Ben Kenobi, basically. And that's not as sexy or viscerally satisfying as thumping your chest and saying YEAH I'D KILL BABY HITLER I'D KILL HIM GOOD and that's why this project never gets funding and that's why there's still goddamn Actual Hitler in our history books. Everybody is willing to kill babies but nobody is willing to step up and commit to Ben Kenobiing Hitler.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:25 PM on November 9, 2015 [18 favorites]


So far we have one Republican presidential candidate insisting that he really is an attempted murderer, and another who recorded himself saying he would kill a baby

Wait, at what point in this thread did we start talking about season 3 of Scandal
posted by pullayup at 2:31 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


I don't know if I'd actually *kill* Ayn Rand, but I'd definitely go back in time and try to get her deported when she was in the US illegally.

Whoa that's kinda dark.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:33 PM on November 9, 2015


But if we kill Baby Hitler and prevent World War 2, what would the Republicans compare everything Obama does to?

"Obamacare - worse than Antietam?"

"Obamacare - its literally like The Trail of Tears?"

"Obama is literally Kaiser Wilhelm?"

Also, somebody should have asked JEB! exactly how he would go about murdering this baby, who happens to be Hitler in some timeline. I mean, he really needs to imagine looking down at a little tiny baby and resolving to murder it in some specific way to really get the full effect. I don't want a president who only is able to imagine killing babies in theory.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:37 PM on November 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


You have a machine in front of you that generates radioactive tachyons. When you turn it on, it will irradiate the past and kill one person per second, selected completely at random from time and space, so mathematically you are guaranteed to kill Hitler _eventually_.

What is the optimal amount of time to run the machine? Solve for x. Show your work.
posted by delfin at 2:42 PM on November 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


We all know you can't kill baby Hitler via time travel lest you unleash an even worse hellish dystopia, so Metafilter, tell me what historical figure you would murder via time travel, and when you would do it. Show your work.

For my part, I'd attempt to engineer some sort of fatal on set accident for Ronald Reagan. (Sure hope that doesn't get me put on a Secret Service or NSA watch list by the way! Does the Secret Service care about hypothetical time travel threats to a dead president? Anyway, disclaimer: THIS IS A THOUGHT EXPERIMENT ONLY.) Showing my work: a significant portion of our current hellish dystopia of ruinous neocon reactionaries can be laid at Reagan's feet, so I'd like to give a Reagan-free timeline a go.
posted by yasaman at 2:44 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


I have only one question - where in all of this is Ursula?
posted by tzikeh at 2:44 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Next debate: Mr. Bush, you've said that you would go back in time and kill baby Hitler. Suppose that after doing so, you return to discover that the world is a miserable hell-scape because of unforseen consequences stemming from that action. You can use the time-travel device one more time, but you can't use it to undo your act of infanticide as that would cause a paradox of universe ending proportions. Do you:

-head to 1930s Germany and take the place of Hitler to allow the world to unfold as it should;
-send one of your opponents from this debate to do that task, and if so, which one is most suitable to that role in your opinion;
-continue your Presidential run as if nothing had happened, because you view turning the world into a miserable hell-scape as your chief mission in life?
posted by nubs at 2:46 PM on November 9, 2015 [23 favorites]


I like that they specified baby Hitler; that's an important detail.
posted by TedW at 2:46 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Basically you gotta stalk him his whole life and then the moment he dies something bad, boom!
posted by Artw at 2:49 PM on November 9, 2015


If Jeb actually had access to a time machine, wouldn't he be more likely to go back and use his knowledge of the future to help his grandpappy Prescott overthrow Roosevelt in a fascist coup?
posted by T.D. Strange at 2:49 PM on November 9, 2015 [10 favorites]


Does this mean that under the Bush administration women will be allowed to have an abortion as long as their fetus is Hitler?
posted by humanfont at 2:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


Maybe we shouldn't be asking the crazy-person candidates such goofy questions though

Like, maybe we should try to force voters to imagine why it might be a bad idea to have a president who probably can't pay his cable bill without light-heartedly comparing Chinese people to ants
posted by clockzero at 2:53 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


He's only allowed to shoot baby hitler, guns being inherently moral.
posted by Artw at 2:53 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


The fetus is always Hitler.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:54 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


> "And why didn't anyone stop me before I dated that really bad ex-boyfriend that one time?"

Your dating that guy actually prevented a global thermonuclear apocalypse.

Nothing to do with time travel. Just a funny coincidence, really.
posted by kyrademon at 2:56 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Does this mean that under the Bush administration women will be allowed to have an abortion as long as their fetus is Hitler?

What if every fetus ever was either Hitler or Beethoven? Would you legalize abortion or not, Jeb!?
posted by sallybrown at 2:56 PM on November 9, 2015


Think about it, though. If we send a time machine back to kill Hitler, we are inserting time machine technology into Hitler's era, with which Nazi scientists could send Hitler's DNA and essence forward to be birthed in our time.

So every fetus is Schroedinger's Hitler.

check and mate
posted by delfin at 2:57 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


Would you rather go back in time to kill a dozen duck-sized Hitlers or one Hitler-sized duck?
posted by Doktor Zed at 2:57 PM on November 9, 2015 [14 favorites]


Everybody seems to be assuming that baby Hitler would be an easy kill. This is a mistake.
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:05 PM on November 9, 2015 [11 favorites]


True, Baby Hitlers are generally accompanied by 2d6 random level 9+ monsters when encountered in their lairs.
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:10 PM on November 9, 2015 [12 favorites]


All kidding aside, is this the sort of hard hitting question we can expect at the next Republican debate?
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:11 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


How many five-year-old Hitlers could Jeb! take on in a knife fight?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:13 PM on November 9, 2015


The ONLY responsible way to prevent WWII is to live in the past long-term as Young Hitler's wise friend and mentor who steers him down the right path. You have to be Hitler's Ben Kenobi, basically.

And then you get killed, Hitler vows revenge, and we're back at square one.
posted by dannyboybell at 3:15 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Is shooting Baby Hitler legal under Florida's Stand Your Ground law?

Only if the baby isn't armed.
posted by Artw at 3:15 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why would Baby Hitler be in Florida?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:16 PM on November 9, 2015


Hey, hey, LBJ! How many babies did you [imagine killing after being asked a hypothetical question]?
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 3:16 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Florida Man Kills Baby Hitler
posted by Kabanos at 3:17 PM on November 9, 2015 [12 favorites]


BABY HITLER HIDING OUT IN FLORIDA?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:19 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Am I the only one who thinks that the scariest part of his answer is that he doesn't know that he doesn't have to answer every question?
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 3:19 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


I think Ben Carson tried to stab Hitler once but the details are foggy, it was a long time ago.
posted by mazola at 3:22 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


It was at West Point. Or 7-11. One of those two, probably.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:24 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


BABY HITLER HIDING OUT IN FLORIDA?

RICK SCOTT SUPPORTS BABY HITLER IN FAKE DEATH SCAM
posted by poffin boffin at 3:25 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


He's gonna tea-bag his opponents in the next debate.

That's a debate that should definitely be televised (possibly NSFW).
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 3:25 PM on November 9, 2015


Jeez, how many Hitlers are there?

Nein!
posted by dephlogisticated at 3:27 PM on November 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


If you go back in time and kill Baby Hitler and thus somehow prevent WWII, does European colonialism never collapse? Who gets the Bomb without the impetus of winning a global war? Without the total devastation of European industry that allows the rise of America as a superpower, does the world live on under European hegemony?
posted by indubitable at 3:28 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


also not to mention the possibility of the ULTRA HITLER scenario already covered elsehwere
posted by indubitable at 3:29 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Only if the baby isn't armed.

An armless Baby Hitler can still do some damage with his goose steps.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 3:30 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


After you kill Baby Hitler, would you use Baby Hitler's stem cells for research? And if you did - give the world stem cell research in oh 1890 or so, and by doing so, you provided great minds with the ability to cure cancer, whereupon everyone in the 21st century world was suddenly cancer free and we all wondered how we got here and we realized that what we did was kill a baby who was never nurtured or natured long enough to cause a hollocaust in Europe... Well then... Wouldn't Hitler be the good guy and you suddenly be the amoral slob?
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:30 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Nein!

Nein! Nein nein.
posted by octobersurprise at 3:31 PM on November 9, 2015


I have to point out that if you killed Hitler and successfully prevented World War Two, you'd also be killing countless American jobs! Looks like we'll need that Keystone pipeline after all!
posted by AndrewInDC at 3:32 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Which of the GOP candidates is going to interrupt the debates to be the first to say they are actually a time traveller from the future here to fix the future, like some sort of Ultra Conservative Kyle Reese?

BAH GAWD THAT'S HERMAN CAIN'S MUSIC
posted by jason_steakums at 3:35 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


Maybe we shouldn't be asking the crazy-person candidates such goofy questions though

The next Republican debate is going to be AMAZING now that some of the candidates are getting desperate.

JEB: And that's why I would, in fact, go back in time and kill Baby Hitler.
TED CRUZ: I hold here in my hand... *displays baby with drawn-on swastika*
posted by delfin at 3:35 PM on November 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


What really sucks is when you go back in time to kill Baby Hitler and you come back and you end up in an alternate timeline where because WWII never happened, a US Air Force sergeant who might otherwise have gone on to an innocuous career as a painter became the dictator of a terrifying mechanized global empire of death, and the name BOB ROSS is synonymous with evil.
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:36 PM on November 9, 2015 [31 favorites]


I still can't really believe he's so terrible of a candidate that he'd answer this, knowing his own family's, let's call it, questionable at best, history with ties to Nazi Germany. What possible benefit could there be in him answering this? Whatever W had, he got all of it. The nomination should have been Jeb's to lose, all he had to do was be remotely competent, but we're witnessing one of the worst displays of retail politics in American history.
posted by T.D. Strange at 3:45 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


The only morally acceptable answer to this question is, "Are you kidding with this shit? Why don't you tell your readers where you went to journalism school?"
posted by echocollate at 3:46 PM on November 9, 2015 [11 favorites]


someone ask Ted Cruz if he would travel back in time to kill Joe McCarthy and secretly replace him
posted by indubitable at 3:47 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


Eyebrows McGee: ...he decided the best thing to do would be drop him on his head several times in the hopes of causing brain damage without killing him.

If you can still find him, I will mail you a five-spot to get this guy signed up for a MeFi account.
posted by wenestvedt at 3:49 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Jeeze, how many Hitlers are there?

Whatever the tally is so far, here's [SLYT] another one.
posted by wenestvedt at 3:52 PM on November 9, 2015


How many five-year-old Hitlers could Jeb! take on in a knife fight?

Governor Bush, would you rather fight 100 Hitler-size ducks or one horse-size Hitler?
posted by echocollate at 3:53 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


This must obviously be the alternate time-line, you know the one where democracy has failed.
posted by Fizz at 3:54 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


If you go back in time and kill Baby Hitler...

The po-faced answer is that killing one person won't solve the larger underlying issues that led that person to thrive to power under those issues. Going to the Treaty of Versailles and convince everyone the humiliation of the Central Powers will have dire consequences would have a larger influence in preventing WWII than killing Hitler - under these circumstances, someone else would step up to the brown shirts, and has mentioned above, could even turn out to be someone better at that killing and war business. Like someone who'd say "this Operation Barbarossa idea is stupid, people".

A different issue would be theoretically, killing, say, Shoko Asahara, which would have prevented the formation of Aum Shinrikyo and subsequently the Tokyo Subway Sarin attack. I don't think there were any major underlying issues that led to it, while people that caused great harm to society as a whole, from warmongers and terrorists like Hitler and Bin Laden are just a face of something bigger.
posted by lmfsilva at 3:55 PM on November 9, 2015


"You go back in time, Jeb and you come upon Baby Hitler."

"Why am I going back in time?"

"Maybe you're fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Who knows? You look down and you see Baby Hitler crawling toward you. You reach down and flip Baby Hitler on his back."

"Do you make up these questions or do they write 'em down for you?"

"Baby Hitler lays on its back, his belly baking in the hot sun, beating his legs, trying to turn himself over but he can't, not without for your help. But you're not killing him."

"What do you mean I'm not killing him?"

"I mean you're not killing him. Why is that Jeb? (tense silence) They're just questions, Jeb."
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 3:57 PM on November 9, 2015 [32 favorites]


All these questions will be lost in time. Like bullshit in a mudslide.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:00 PM on November 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


Nein! Nein nein.

Ich habe neunundneunzig probleme bekam aber ein Hitler nicht ein.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:03 PM on November 9, 2015 [7 favorites]


"Are you kidding with this shit? Why don't you tell your readers where you went to journalism school?"

The BuzzFeed webinar for new White House correspondents. Now for the last time, Mr. President, can this Dalmatian puppy even, or can it not? The American people deserve a straightforward answer!
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:09 PM on November 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


Suppose you kill baby Hitler, but you don't kill baby Stalin or vice versa.
posted by humanfont at 4:11 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Baby Stalin has not been mentioned due to liberal media bias.
posted by Artw at 4:14 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


If Baby Hitler died in infancy, someone else would have been the timeline's bad guy. He rose to power through electoral support. The only difference would be that a different given name and style of facial hair would be ruined.
posted by Tanizaki at 4:20 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


probably some guy named horst with those silly cheek puffs
posted by poffin boffin at 4:23 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


All of this was covered pretty thoroughly by If You Kill a Baby Hitler, which was, admittedly, not the strongest or most well-conceived book in the If You Give a Mouse a Cookie series.
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:28 PM on November 9, 2015 [20 favorites]


All of this was covered pretty thoroughly in If You Kill a Baby Hitler, which was, admittedly, not the strongest or most well-conceived book in the If You Give a Mouse a Cookie series.

I will have to read this one. My favorite was 'Don't Let The Hitler Drive The Military.'
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:30 PM on November 9, 2015 [11 favorites]


Suppose you kill baby Hitler, but you don't kill baby Stalin or vice versa.

In Soviet Russia, Baby Stalin kills you.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:32 PM on November 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


Where does Clinton stand on the baby Hitler issue?

Clinton is a time travel policy wonk, so she will point out that going back in time to kill Hitler will lead to a temporal paradox where you kill him, but then he doesn't exist, so you don't go back to kill him, which means he exists so...and then people will get bored and wander of to where Sanders is promising that the Power of Socialism will erase Hitler from history.

Do you want to get parallel universes? Because that's how you get parallel universes.


If the rise of Donald Trump makes anything clear, it's that killing Hitler would just force his constituency of enraged, violent brownshirts driven by racial hatred to find someone else to lead them.

Hey look, don't blame me- I told the IATT at the next meeting that killing Ronald Slump would result in a worse replacement. But nobody will listened.
posted by happyroach at 4:42 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


But if we kill Baby Hitler and prevent World War 2, what would the Republicans compare everything Obama does to?

"Obamacare - worse than Antietam?"

"Obamacare - its literally like The Trail of Tears?"

"Obama is literally Kaiser Wilhelm?"


You know, I forget where I learned this - I want to say it was here, but I can't find the post - but before there was a Hitler to compare people to, the go-to answer was Pharaoh Rameses. You know, from Exodus. That was your most evil person.
posted by kafziel at 4:44 PM on November 9, 2015 [13 favorites]


That's amazing. "Obamacare is the worst thing since the biblical plagues."
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:48 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


2016 PresElect CNN Debate Moderator: Sec Clinton if Baby Hitler raped and murdered Kitty Dukakis would you support the death penalty for Baby Hitler? #checkmatelibs!
posted by humanfont at 4:49 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Who the heck was "Hitler?"
posted by Cookiebastard at 4:50 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Why would Baby Hitler be in Florida?

No individual income tax.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


Why would Baby Hitler be in Florida?

So he can kill all the Jews that retired there?

Also, isn't this just another typical gotcha question that's always asked by the Lamestream Liberal Media? Shouldn't the response be, "Kill Hitler? There's no right answer here, but this is why so many Americans -- good, wholesome, God-fearing people -- are worried the government is going to take away their guns. And after all, guns didn't kill Hitler, Hitler killed Hitler. That he used a gun to do so in part was just incidental. The cyanide did most of the Hitler-killing"
posted by mosk at 5:01 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


You know, from Exodus. That was your most evil person.

now i want to travel back in time and force baby hitler to watch that ridley scott Exodus monstrosity

killing him isn't really bad enough after all
posted by poffin boffin at 5:03 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Would Donald Trump build a huge wall around baby Hitler?

Pivoting to the serious, would any of these candidates use their time machines to change immigration policy to make it easier for Jewish, Roma, Polish and homosexual refugees from Hitler to immigrate to the US or some other safe haven? I kind of doubt it. I think "Eek, no, we don't want them here" was a phrase on many lips even back then.
posted by puddledork at 5:37 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Go back in time and kindernap Adolf Schickelgruber, promise him a better last name, drop him off in Idaho near some horses. Find Joseph Stalin and promise him he can join the circus, but drop him off in Rio, during Carnival. You kidnap Werner Van Braun and promise him a real pony down in New Mexico.

Then there is no post war baby boom, and I wouldn't be boring you with my ennui.
posted by Oyéah at 5:47 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


because WWII never happened, a US Air Force sergeant who might otherwise have gone on to an innocuous career as a painter became the dictator of a terrifying mechanized global empire of death, and the name BOB ROSS is synonymous with evil.

But isn't Bob Ross the Tom Bombadil of our universe? He just is, even in the darkest timeline.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 5:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [27 favorites]


I'd say I was going to go back and kill Hitler but then I would go kill Christopher Columbus instead. If we are going to fuck with history, lets go all in.
posted by weretable and the undead chairs at 6:09 PM on November 9, 2015 [9 favorites]


My daughter has me watching Attack On Titan Junior High and now because of this wonderful thread I am imagining Baby WW II and all its antics. Go little Churchill go! Baby Stalin and Baby Roosevelt are waiting!

I am a sick bastard.
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 6:10 PM on November 9, 2015


I'd say I was going to go back and kill Hitler but then I would go kill Christopher Columbus instead. If we are going to fuck with history, lets go all in.

Well, heck, go all the way back and find that common ancestor whose DNA we all share and do her in. While she's still a baby.
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:16 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


It's Raining Florence Henderson: "Right, but what if he tea-bagged Hitler? Who would be the joke, THEN?"

You mean teabagged Baby Hitler?

Then he gets arrested, listed as a sex offender, and it becomes a moot point.
posted by Samizdata at 6:44 PM on November 9, 2015


Go back to the Garden of Eden and kill the hybrids the time travellers made.
posted by Oyéah at 6:51 PM on November 9, 2015


prize bull octorok: "True, Baby Hitlers are generally accompanied by 2d6 random level 9+ monsters when encountered in their lairs."

No worries. I got this.

Specialized in single handed weapons, dual wielding, ambidexterity, and I have Cleave AND Great Cleave. Y'all stand back and watch this.
posted by Samizdata at 6:52 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


No, no, no, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: if you want to stop/delay the terrors of the 20th century you don't kill Hitler, you kill Bernays.

You know who else thought the Jew(s) were responsible for Hitler's crimes? That's right, ...
posted by grobstein at 6:54 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


No, no, no, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: if you want to stop/delay the terrors of the 20th century you don't kill Hitler, you kill Bernays.

You guys, Hitler was bad and all, but the real villain was a powerful Jew operating behind the scenes!

Btw today is the anniversary of Kristallnacht. Gut yontiv.
posted by grobstein at 6:56 PM on November 9, 2015 [6 favorites]


No, no, no, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: if you want to stop/delay the terrors of the 20th century you don't kill Hitler, you kill Bernays.

I mean, I don't think public relations is like the greatest human achievement or anything, but "worse than Hitler" is a pretty serious charge to lay...

... Against a Jew...

... On the anniversary of a Nazi pogrom.
posted by grobstein at 7:12 PM on November 9, 2015 [12 favorites]


You go back to the moment Jeb Bush said he'd kill baby Hitler. You say, "Can't you see you lack the diplomatic skill to deflect even the most gross and obvious trolling? How can you possibly expect to successfuly serve the US, as president?"
posted by Oyéah at 7:24 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


And without Adult Hitler

I like this. It's close enough to his real full name that I'm pretty sure I can, in any given conversation about Hitler, keep repeatedly calling him "Adult Hitler", but deny that I'm doing so if questioned. It really is the little things that bring the most joy.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 7:36 PM on November 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


Why would Baby Hitler be in Florida?

Someone hasn't read their Judy Blume.
posted by tzikeh at 7:57 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


so he decided the best thing to do would be drop him on his head several times in the hopes of causing brain damage without killing him

This made me snort with laughter on the train.
posted by bendy at 7:58 PM on November 9, 2015


The only response is "Oh, *Adolf*. I was thinking about a different dictator baby."
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:08 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Really, all you'd have to do is stop the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, now that I think about it. No First World War, no Second World War.

So many ridiculous mishaps and stupid errors happened to result in Ferdinand getting killed that I have to assume that he wasn't killed in the original timeline and a bunch of time agents had to cobble together a "random" series of accidents to make it happen. Possibly to prevent a mega-Hitler. Or possibly they screwed up and made things worse.
posted by emjaybee at 8:29 PM on November 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


Q: What's Aryan and goes 100 miles per hour in a circle?
A: Baby Hitler in a blender.
posted by bendy at 8:51 PM on November 9, 2015 [3 favorites]


If Jeb were to successfully go back in time and kill the baby/fetal pre-führer Hitler he finds, he'd effectively be wiping out a considerable part of his families' fortune, and potentially their future political failures, including his own pathetic run for the presidency.

"There has been a steady internet chatter about the "Bush/Nazi" connection, much of it inaccurate and unfair. But the new documents, many of which were only declassified last year, show that even after America had entered the war and when there was already significant information about the Nazis' plans and policies, he [Prescott Bush] worked for and profited from companies closely involved with the very German businesses that financed Hitler's rise to power. It has also been suggested that the money he made from these dealings helped to establish the Bush family fortune and set up its political dynasty. " from The Guardian
posted by nikoniko at 8:53 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


I have a friend whose answer to the "who would you kill" question is Alexander the Great, but I always bring the conversation down by saying "the first thing that slithered out of the primordial ooze with feet." I usually have to buy them Mich Ultras after that.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:34 PM on November 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


He should worry more about baby Trump.
posted by mazola at 9:39 PM on November 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


Not sure where I read this idea, but if you have an actual time machine and could do this, here's what the pacifist would do:

Go back the night of Adolf's Hitler's conception, the night his pop knocked up his mom. Wait for Hiter's dad as he's heading home for the night, and stop him for a smoke. Engage him in conversation. Ask for directions. Even a few seconds would probably suffice. After he goes on his way and continues home and, later, when his sperm embeds in Mrs. Hitler's egg, it will almost certainly be a different sperm cell, which will create a different person--even a girl! Butterfly effect saves humanity.
posted by zardoz at 9:40 PM on November 9, 2015 [5 favorites]


i thought you were gonna say "take one for the team and bone down with hitler's dad" which is really going above and beyond in one's dedication to historical timeline meddling
posted by poffin boffin at 10:10 PM on November 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


Who is giving Jeb! the news about this change in his time travel itinerary?
posted by Artw at 10:17 PM on November 9, 2015


the first thing that slithered out of the primordial ooze with feet.

Feet were alright. It's opposable thumbs that led to trouble.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:33 PM on November 9, 2015


He should worry more about baby Trump.

Or baby Hillary Clinton, who would seem much more inclined to go to war than Trump.
posted by John Cohen at 11:20 PM on November 9, 2015


five fresh fish: "the first thing that slithered out of the primordial ooze with feet.

Feet were alright. It's opposable thumbs that led to trouble.
"

Nope. It's all the head trauma from falling out of trees.
posted by Samizdata at 11:29 PM on November 9, 2015


Why not go back in time with a few suitcases of cash. 1907. Meet young Hitler. Present yourself as Jewish (whether you are or not). Pretend to admire his talent and offer to help. Bribe or strong-arm the head of the Vienna Academy of Arts into either accepting Hitler as a student, or getting him set up as an architecture student. Show up again a few years later. Make sure newly graduated Hitler gets a good job. Perhaps with a Jewish-run firm if there was one at the time. Then come back a couple of years later for a side trip to Sarejevo and stop the assassination of the archduke.

Not only does the time traveller accomplish her goals without infanticide, but a miserable person is made much happier. And, in a great irony of the multiverses, this formerly miserable person will not blame the Jews but will see them as his benefactors. He might even have a wonderful career designing monumental buildings. As a bonus, WWI won't happen. At least not for a while.
posted by honestcoyote at 11:40 PM on November 9, 2015 [4 favorites]


This is just an insidious plan by the Braunau chamber of commerce to get time-traveling tourists.
posted by pseudocode at 12:56 AM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


It would more effective for Gov.Bush to carry out a selective massacre of the innocents in Austria and Germany over a 10-year period. That way he not only takes out baby Hitler, but also snuffs baby Goring, baby Himmler, baby Rohm,baby Himmler,baby Goebbels, and baby Hess, among others And if he's in the mood he can also smoke a teenage Fritz Thyssen, one of his paternal grandfather's future clients.
posted by abakua at 3:13 AM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


Isn't actual politics bad enough that you have to drag in your counterfactual politics too already?
posted by Segundus at 4:34 AM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Ich habe neunundneunzig probleme bekam aber ein Hitler nicht ein.

This says: I received 99 problems but a Hitler not one.

My best attempt:

Ich hab' neunundneunzig Probleme doch keinen Hitler.
posted by dis_integration at 5:04 AM on November 10, 2015


Why not go back in time with a few suitcases of cash. 1907. Meet young Hitler. Present yourself as Jewish (whether you are or not).

Since I'm black, he probably wouldn't believe that I was Jewish. Hell, me time traveling to 1907 Austria or wherever young Adolf is might kick up some overt racism in him or anyone else that sees me.

This is why black people don't time travel.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:06 AM on November 10, 2015 [8 favorites]


ALL HITLERS will be dealt with under my administration!

EXCUSE me? I'll have you know that I'm just a red-blooded American drag queen and I've never invaded anybody! #NotallHitlers!

I have only one question - where in all of this is Ursula?

Staying the heck out of this thread. A girl could get hurt!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:44 AM on November 10, 2015 [8 favorites]


....aber Hitler ist keins (da)von
posted by runincircles at 5:54 AM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm pretty sure if Jeb could go back in time he would be too busy rebooting his campaign to kill baby hitler.
posted by srboisvert at 6:31 AM on November 10, 2015 [4 favorites]


♫ “Baby Hitler, baby Hitler,
riding on a pig, baby Hitler!” ♫
posted by blueberry at 6:52 AM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


All this emphasis on Baby Hitler and no one ever wants to deal with the terrifying prospect of Toddler Hitler.

Bite your legs off, he would.
posted by delfin at 7:58 AM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


"They're just questions, Jeb."

Seriously? We don't need Voight-Kampff for these guys. I mean Nexus-Mitt could barely pass for human at a presser, and this generation is only a little better.
posted by The Bellman at 8:06 AM on November 10, 2015


But, what about Reverse Hitler?
posted by snottydick at 8:07 AM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Look, if you have a time machine and are using it for anything other than going back and seeing Bo Diddley, Hank Williams, Jimi Hendrix, or the Clash, you're a goddamned fool who's wasting a valuable resource.
posted by the phlegmatic king at 8:10 AM on November 10, 2015 [4 favorites]


Rescuing Jesus is always a cool trick.
posted by Artw at 8:14 AM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


I don't know what you expected, asking the governor of a southern state whether it's ok to execute children. Of course he's going to say yes.
posted by Ham Snadwich at 8:26 AM on November 10, 2015 [8 favorites]


I would go back to troll modern day creationists by writing 7 DAYS WAS A FUCKING METAPHOR AND SCIENCE IS REAL on dinosaur bones in aramaic
posted by poffin boffin at 8:29 AM on November 10, 2015 [10 favorites]


You guys, Hitler was bad and all, but the real villain was a powerful Jew operating behind the scenes!

Whatevs, Bernays was fucking garbage.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 8:46 AM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


This is just a reminder that every time you mention Hitler you increase his power in the afterlife, which he then uses to help Donald Trump
posted by halifix at 9:19 AM on November 10, 2015


MCMikeNamara: "Which of the GOP candidates is going to interrupt the debates to be the first to say they are actually a time traveller from the future here to fix the future"

Careful what you wish for.
posted by Reverend John at 9:52 AM on November 10, 2015


Look, if you have a time machine and are using it for anything other than going back and seeing Bo Diddley, Hank Williams, Jimi Hendrix, or the Clash, you're a goddamned fool who's wasting a valuable resource.


Getting some modern HD footage of Josephine Baker would be amazing.
posted by Rainbo Vagrant at 11:24 AM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


You're Hydra, aren't you?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:56 AM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Whatevs, Bernays was fucking garbage.

Christ, What an Asshole.
posted by zarq at 2:46 PM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


> "i thought you were gonna say 'take one for the team and bone down with hitler's dad' ..."

I was expecting "threesome with the Hitlers", myself.
posted by kyrademon at 4:00 PM on November 10, 2015 [1 favorite]


Artw: "Rescuing Jesus is always a cool trick."
Greg Nog: "I don't really care about the consequences, I just think it would be fun to walk onto Golgotha"

Artw, Greg Nog, I'd like you to meet the Second Treatise of the Great Seth, a gnostic document from the third century found at Nag Hammadi, wherein the Great Seth himself reveals that Jesus wasn't ACTUALLY crucified; he turned invisible and hid in the crowd and threw his semblance upon Simon the Cyrene and poor Simon was crucified in his place while Jesus laughed hysterically at the stupidity of man, and then jumped to heaven in one giant leap, whereupon he made fun of everybody who was Christian or Jewish and called them laughingstocks, except for Seth, who totally got him, and also maybe should sleep with your wife because of his awesome gnosis, I'm just saying.

Basically if Donald Trump wrote a gospel, it'd be the Second Treatise of the Great Seth.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:16 PM on November 10, 2015 [7 favorites]


Wow. How the hell did Seth MacFarlane get his hands on a time machine?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:20 PM on November 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


Well, as long as we're doing the Gospel Times, why don't we dress up as John the Baptist and just give Salome a little bit of what she wants?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:32 PM on November 10, 2015


Just brain damaged enough to have the mask of sanity long enough to get into power, then goes full Hitler?

Never go full Hitler.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:45 PM on November 10, 2015


Never go full Hitler.

My darling demi-demagogue,
My mini-Mussolini,
May I have half a word with you today?
You know I'm partly partial
To a moiety of a meanie,
So never go full Hitler all the way.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:27 AM on November 11, 2015 [3 favorites]


See also Michael Moorcock's Behold the Man, in which a time traveler goes back to meet Jesus. Things don't exactly turn out like he expects.
posted by Chrysostom at 7:58 PM on November 11, 2015


For the record, Ben Carson would not abort baby Hitler*.

*That is not from the Onion. It is the actual, non-April-fools-day CNN.com headline.
posted by zakur at 5:51 AM on November 12, 2015 [2 favorites]


For the record, Ben Carson would not abort baby Hitler*.

Last week Jeb Bush was asked who his favorite Marvel superhero was. He answered "Supergirl," ("she's pretty hot") and Batman.

One day, a candidate will say this and it will be glorious.
posted by zarq at 6:41 AM on November 12, 2015


This thread lead me to discover Reductio ad Hitlerum. Doesn't seem to be quite that phenomenon though.
posted by ZeusHumms at 12:08 PM on November 13, 2015


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