The Gay Men Who Hate Women

November 11, 2015 5:35 PM

The Gay Men Who Hate Women "Some of the worst misogyny I've experienced has come from gay men. It can feel almost more gross than it does from straight men. It's like, you're not even trying to express sexual interest in me, you're just asserting your dominance over my body just because you're a man—you're just doing it because you can."
posted by crossoverman (18 comments total)

I have never had a straight man, unprovoked, comment to my face about how disgusting female genitalia--and by extension my genitalia--are, and then expect me to laugh about it. I have had multiple gay men do this, apparently under the mistaken idea that it's cute because they're gay guys or... something. This shit is sadly pretty goddamn common, and it really really really needs to stop.
posted by sciatrix at 5:42 PM on November 11, 2015 [57 favorites]

Yeah it's been a common thing for me too sciatrix. That and groping.
posted by zug at 5:52 PM on November 11, 2015 [6 favorites]

A gay man that I know quite well and who was once a close friend, and who is now quite wealthy and living in NYC, commented once that I and his sister were the only females he spoke with socially. "Is it because your social circle is all gay men? Are there no lesbians at least?" He thought about this for a moment, then replied, "I guess it's because we really don't like women. And lesbians are the worst." My jaw is still hanging.
posted by kinnakeet at 5:53 PM on November 11, 2015 [7 favorites]

A (gay male) friend of mine once pointed out, "You know, gay men are really self-centered. Lesbians are always coming into gay movements and protesting with us and helping us out, but I NEVER see gay men supporting lesbians." I thought about it for a bit and realized he was right. Tons of lesbians come out to the HIV/AIDS fundraisers (lesbians are by far the least at-risk group for HIV infection) but very few gay men come out and support things like abortion rights.
posted by zug at 5:55 PM on November 11, 2015 [13 favorites]

Word up to the stranger in the gay bar who asked baby-femme me point blank if I was a lesbian.. then whether I thought Pamela Anderson was hot... and then grilled me further on who I thought was "hot". Humiliating to feel like even in a gay space I had to prove my credentials.

(this was after Pamela Anderson's heyday too, so weird example?? )
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:58 PM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

The extremely supportive gay men in my life have always made a distinction to call themselves 'queer' politically and 'queer men who are interested in men'. I've also been fortunate enough to see some of them do a face-off in educating other gay men about intersectional feminism and why they need to respect the cis and trans women in their lives. I'm not doing #notallgaymen since hell there are SO MANY GAY MEN doing fucked up things, but it goes to show how allyship is supposed to work. I'm endlessly grateful for their presence.
posted by yueliang at 5:59 PM on November 11, 2015 [6 favorites]

I witnessed a gay man call a woman who was ostensibly his friend "fish" to her face. To me this was no different from his calling her a cunt.
posted by brujita at 6:03 PM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

I've got to think that some of it is "women are the ball" sort of thinking, where gay dudes who resent being forced to pretend to like female bodies lash out by hating female bodies, with no thought to the fact that women are people who might be offended by this.
posted by Zalzidrax at 6:08 PM on November 11, 2015 [4 favorites]

I've certainly experienced some of this as well. The basement thing rings true. I can remember waitering at a restaurant where one of the very wealthy owners was gay. It was an epiphany of sorts for me as I realized that this incredibly rude man had nothing in common with me. Nothing.

Having said that, I'm part of a group for queer parents and the gay fathers that I have met there tend to be very strong allies to queer women.
posted by Cuke at 6:10 PM on November 11, 2015 [2 favorites]

"yassss kweeen slay!"

What does it mean? Seemed a pretty significant quote, right over my head.
posted by Meatbomb at 6:15 PM on November 11, 2015

Of course there are misogynist gay men but should this thread really be a collection of anecdotes about evil gay men who hate women?
posted by chaz at 6:19 PM on November 11, 2015 [6 favorites]

"yasssss" — lispy drawn-out 'yes', exclamation of approval
"kween" — queen
"slay" — 'you're killing it'
posted by sixswitch at 6:19 PM on November 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

The pseudo-psychologizing that gay men who hate women do so are "lashing out" because they have been "forced to pretend to like female bodies" is no different from the old canard that gay men become gay men because they are in families with overbearing mother figures and spineless father figures. In short, it's pretty damn offensive in and of itself. This thread is teeming with baseless generalizations and overripe #allgaymen tropes that would be decried as gay-bashing in any other thread.
posted by blucevalo at 6:20 PM on November 11, 2015 [10 favorites]

"yassss kweeen slay!"

What does it mean?

"You go, girl" is the closest synonym I can think of, with shades of "go forth and conquer!"
posted by lumensimus at 6:21 PM on November 11, 2015 [3 favorites]

Maybe we can talk more about TFA and less about the thread?
posted by sixswitch at 6:21 PM on November 11, 2015

ahhh, i dunno.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:25 PM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

This thread is teeming with baseless generalizations and overripe #allgaymen tropes

"Teeming"? There are some anecdotes to the effect that it exists, and a couple of counterexamples of gay men doing the opposite, in a thread that's all of fifteen replies long at this point. Hardly an out-of-control shitstorm.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:25 PM on November 11, 2015 [1 favorite]

Zug I got into hiv rights mainly because of the very visible contingent of gay men at rallies to support abortion rights back just before Canada's abortion law was struck down. But your friend is absolutely right that there have been many lesbians in the hiv movement as well.
posted by biggreenplant at 6:26 PM on November 11, 2015 [2 favorites]