“When was the last time you cried?”
November 16, 2015 9:30 PM   Subscribe

 
slow clap.
posted by GuyZero at 9:41 PM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Maybe I've just spent too much of my 20 LA years on the road therefore having all my humor squashed, but to me this feels lazy.

Am I missing a joke beyond the dual pillars of making fun of this sort of tumblr and "hey Angelenos spend all their time in cars"?
posted by drewbage1847 at 9:48 PM on November 16, 2015 [5 favorites]


Just spent 2 hours on the 405.

Ha fucking ha.
posted by Sophie1 at 9:52 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


I don’t really like Humans of New York because it perpetuates the idea that NYC is the center of the universe. On the other hand, it seems like a lot of folks read it and learn something new and human about the inhabitants of their city. And it inspired Humans of Appalachia which is a notion I can really get behind because that’s a region that -to me- seems in real need of humanization. This is a little funny, but because of the subject of the riff it feels kind of like an attempt to de-humanize the people of Los Angeles, and that’s something I dislike. Maybe I’m just cranky and old, but there it is.
posted by Going To Maine at 9:54 PM on November 16, 2015 [7 favorites]


My normally 30 minute commute was an hour today because of one van stalled in one of five lanes. I don't even know how that happens.
posted by downtohisturtles at 9:55 PM on November 16, 2015


Wait until you read "Human Feces of San Francisco" (although the map seems broken currently)
posted by GuyZero at 9:58 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


On the other hand City of Gold.
posted by gwint at 10:08 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Test drive a 2016 Toyota Pathos today.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 10:14 PM on November 16, 2015 [6 favorites]


That's a lot of hassle for a one-liner
posted by Joseph Gurl at 10:14 PM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


I moved away from Los Angeles over the summer. Maybe this was made by and for exhausted Angelenos who had to deal with the 405, or something. But I don't know, I miss LA, and I'm so tired of everyone's little quips about it. Yeah, I get it, everyone drives a car. Me, I miss Griffith Park. Me and P-22 were buddies, at least as far as I was concerned.
posted by teponaztli at 10:17 PM on November 16, 2015 [9 favorites]


This is terribad.
posted by eyeballkid at 10:26 PM on November 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


These are pretty funny if you've been in LA for about a week.
posted by Ideefixe at 10:34 PM on November 16, 2015 [4 favorites]


One time I adopted a cat from a woman who really hated LA. She was with one of those cat adoption organizations that rescues cats and holds onto them forever, or until they're adopted.

But this was in LA, mind you. She was from New York, originally, and had apparently been living in Culver City in spite of her better judgment since the mid-80s. She said the truth about LA hit her one morning when she walked outside. "I threw up my arms and said 'it's the Sun! The Sun has baked everyone here stupid!" and also she realized that the pizza is terrible, and don't even try looking for bagels.

Incidentally, the cat we adopted actually turned out to be feral. He clawed me up really badly any time he was near me. After a few terrifying days (which were also kind of heartbreaking, when you think about it), we finally had to take him back to the cat rescue organization. Fortunately, they were a no-kill operation. Turns out he didn't do well unless he was around other cats, and I'm sure he's happily tusslin' with other alpha-cats as we speak.

Anyway, if there's a point to this story, it's that now any time I hear some comment about how much LA sucks, I think of "the sun has baked everyone stupid!" and chuckle to myself. And then I go home and pat the Angeleno cat we adopted a year later, who, as I type this, is sort of draped over my knee.

What a life I have lived, I tell you.
posted by teponaztli at 10:51 PM on November 16, 2015 [8 favorites]


Incidentally, the cat we adopted actually turned out to be feral. He clawed me up really badly any time he was near me.

This wasn't part of your previously stated relationship with P-22, was it?
posted by namespan at 11:09 PM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


Where most of those pictures were taken, the temperature is going to get up to 81 degrees on Friday. Having weather like that in late November is worth all the shitty Tumblr jokes in the entire Internet.
posted by sideshow at 11:47 PM on November 16, 2015 [2 favorites]


That's a lot of hassle for a one-liner

Yeah, this kind of seems like a Jimmy Fallon bit that doesn't stop.

When I exercise I go for walks around the track at the high school where they filmed Grease (I couldn't count the number of times I've passed the bleachers where the guys sang their part of Tell Me More) and on weekends when we go to get a hot dog at the Helm's Bakery I'll often think about how we're in the same neighborhood where they shot the original King Kong. I'll look around at Culver City's quiet streets and think about how people like Buster Keaton and Chaplin filmed so much stuff right where we're standing. Whenever I get dolled up in drag and go out to crazy fetish balls to party with a few hundred others artsy-faggy weirdos, I'll pass the clubs where all of your favorite rock stars had their lost weekends and the studios where they recorded a couple of the albums that changed your life. Every time we pass the Paramount lot on our way to some event at the Hollywood Forever cemetery, I'll think about a diagram I saw in some Star Trek book showing the Enterprise-D, superimposed over Paramount, showing that they're nearly the same size. I'll note where the lot begins and then as we reach the end of the studio I'll think, "It's that big." It's almost like I can see the spaceship, hovering over Hollywood.

If you give a damn about pop culture, LA is the fucking Horn of Plenty.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:17 AM on November 17, 2015 [22 favorites]


I'll be visiting in May. Let's party.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 2:43 AM on November 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


Just spent 2 hours on the 405.

I'm pretty sure that I'd just pull over to the side of the road and start crying at that point. Two hours should get you to a whole 'nother metro area.
posted by octothorpe at 4:51 AM on November 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


LA is amazing. This website is awful.

I don’t really like Humans of New York because it perpetuates the idea that NYC is the center of the universe.

Even disregarding the fact that the dude who does it travels all over the world and does his schtick with people of other lands, I completely disagree with your statement and have never gotten that vibe from it.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 5:18 AM on November 17, 2015 [6 favorites]


I'm pretty sure that I'd just pull over to the side of the road and start crying at that point.

It would take at least half an hour to get over to the side of the road. It's easier to just stay in your lane and cry.

For the past two months I've been driving from Northridge to a client in El Segundo (31 miles) twice a week. Because I live in the Valley, there's really only one route to cross over, which is on the 405 through the Sepulveda Pass (or, as you begin to think, past the Sherman Oaks Galleria, which starts to feel like some sort of giant border patrol station). It's only 5 lanes each way.

If I leave the house before about 6:15, I can get to work in about 70 minutes (Waze tells me 40 when I'm in my driveway, and then ticks upward over the next 15 minutes). If I leave the house after that, it's minimum an hour and 45 minutes.

I had a panic attack a couple weeks ago, right around the Sunset exit. Got off at Jefferson, sat in a Chik-fil-a parking lot . I didn't have any klonopin with me, so I took a children's benadryl and waited. It would take a couple hours for anyone to come get me (and where would I leave my car?). So I just waited it out and drove home around 10 when traffic clears out for a while.

So basically this blog looks like my life.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:19 AM on November 17, 2015 [5 favorites]


It's only 5 lanes each way.

That's hilarious. I don't think that there's a highway in my entire state that's even four lanes each way.
posted by octothorpe at 6:29 AM on November 17, 2015 [4 favorites]


That's right, world. Keep on convincing yourselves to stay the hell away from my amazing city.
posted by The World Famous at 6:53 AM on November 17, 2015 [8 favorites]


It's not just cliched, but it comes at a time when public transportation is positively booming in LA. (The Expo line to the beach is on track for an April/May grand opening.) I've been driving in LA for 30 years, and have been car-free for almost two. That will not work for everyone for sure, but it is not the lolpublictransportation suggestion it used to be, and I encourage everyone to look into saving even one short car trip a week. Forget the costs of driving -- just not having to worry about the traffic has reduced my stress levels greatly. For example, the Red Line will take you from DTLA to Hollywood during rush hour in 10 minutes. In Santa Monica, it can take that long just to drive a few blocks to get on to the freeway.

I'm pretty sure that I'd just pull over to the side of the road and start crying at that point. Two hours should get you to a whole 'nother metro area.

I'm going to take a guess and say that two-hour trip covered ~10 miles.

I don't think that there's a highway in my entire state that's even four lanes each way.

We have streets that are four lanes each direction!
posted by Room 641-A at 6:54 AM on November 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


I love LA but this is funny.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:04 AM on November 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


I dunno. Thought it was kind of funny too. In a very silly, not at all serious way. (And this is coming from someone who lives car less in LA and constantly has to explain to friends and family that yes, it is possible for that to work.)
posted by mosschief at 7:41 AM on November 17, 2015


We have streets that are four lanes each direction!

And very fleet-footed pedestrians I assume.
posted by octothorpe at 7:53 AM on November 17, 2015


I didn't find it funny and it doesn't really connect with my experience. My experience in LA involves lots of walking, the occasional bus and train. I'm very rarely in a car and when I am it's usually with other people. I was hoping for something more like Blaxicans of LA.
posted by rednikki at 7:53 AM on November 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


I much prefer Felines of New York
posted by glaucon at 8:06 AM on November 17, 2015


Yesterday a tumbleweed that seemed taller than my car flew past me going the wrong way on the 10. I can't blame it for using the shoulder as it took me seventy minutes to go fifteen miles, an eon in which I considered transforming my car into a war rig and becoming a bandit of the freeways if only to shake up the monotony of staring at the same set of mismatched tail lights for another half hour belonging to someone I will forever know as SQUEAK BEEP.

I mean I hate driving and I take public transit as much as possible (like today), but sometimes my commute takes two and a half hours a day and this is pretty much what my human interaction looks like then. The other days, LA is a rich tapestry of people making art and crazy food and year-round hikes and festivals under palm trees, and it's wonderful! I am envious of everyone who can use public transit all the time.
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:12 AM on November 17, 2015 [6 favorites]


Pulling over to the side of the road and crying is not the answer at all. First, it was 5 p.m. and rush hour traffic wouldn't have even started to subside for another two hours, so that would have made my commute from Wilshire and Bundy to Burbank a total of three hours. No. You just pop on another podcast and do deep breathing exercises. I was born and raised in L.A. I have spent an hour (about 2 decades ago) on the hood of my car parked on the 405 meeting my fellow Angelenos behind a (really!) jackknifed big rig with no way off the freeway at all. You just have to live with it.

(P.S. The one time I have ever had a right and proper panic attack was on the 405 freeway. I pulled off at the VA and threw up and then I couldn't find my way out of the VA. It was hideous.)
posted by Sophie1 at 9:55 AM on November 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


I live in Culver City and work in Long Beach. At least it's not the other way around.
posted by haltingproblemsolved at 10:22 AM on November 17, 2015


I live in, and love Los Angeles. And yes, the commutes are appalling. I did find this funny, but only for 2 images, then the joke was over.
posted by Joh at 12:03 PM on November 17, 2015


The "greatest regret" one was funny.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:34 PM on November 17, 2015


I commute between Hollywood and Venice, but its only ~35 minutes each way because Timing (well, and Waze). Its not so much about distance or neighborhoods but traffic patterns. I drive everywhere here but rarely get stuck in terrible traffic unless I have one of those weird moments where I absolutely have to go from the Westside to central LA at 5pm or something. Other people I know walk or bike everywhere. Long commutes are a thing for some people, but not some essential part of LA living or anything.

Still want to move closer to work someday, but I wouldn't give up living in LA just to avoid a commute.
posted by thefoxgod at 5:45 PM on November 17, 2015


It's true, commuting on the 405 is its own kind of hell. I used to work nights and I'd find myself stuck on the freeway at 8 AM, knowing I had hours to go before I'd get home, a trip that would take all of 30 minutes if there weren't so many goddamned cars on the road.

This thing didn't strike me as offensive, but as I said it was the same glib little joke and it just kept going and going. It's like, "Airplane food, amirite? How about that airplane food? I mean, airplane food, jeez! Amirite?"

I think the traffic situation in LA is unsustainable, and I don't mean that in some idealistic, hippie-dippy sense like we should all be riding bikes or some shit. I mean that it can't go on like this forever, too many people are too miserable every day and we're pumping too much crud into the sky. We're not yet at the crisis point where people say, we have to do whatever it takes to actually fix this. But someday soon, we will have to find another way.

Maybe I'm wrong, and traffic will just get worse and worse until long after I'm dead. But there will come a point where people simply cannot get where they need to go, where you have to leave Long Beach at 5 AM if you want to have any hope of getting to your job in LA by 9. And some mornings it feels like we're nearly there already.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 6:37 PM on November 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


I leave for work at 5:15 am.
posted by Sophie1 at 6:43 PM on November 17, 2015


That's right, world. Keep on convincing yourselves to stay the hell away from my amazing city.

When the "southern respect" MeTa conversation broadened to other areas and people I almost piped up about all the different LA stereotypes, but then I came to my senses. It's crowded enough and we don't have the water anyway.
posted by Room 641-A at 7:16 PM on November 17, 2015 [4 favorites]


I leave for work at 5:15 am.

But not to get there by 9, right? If you're doing a 4-hour commute every day, each way, I don't see how you can make it last!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 8:11 PM on November 17, 2015


The thing about LA/OC traffic, too, is that nobody really honks. If they do, it's a short toot, not a hooooooooonk as some of those pics would have you think. Worst gridlocked honking I've heard is in Chicago.
posted by Lukenlogs at 10:11 PM on November 17, 2015


There's no point in honking, and everyone knows it. I'm always surprised at honking cultures because it's stupid. Oh, you wanted us all to go, we had no idea, let's do that instead!

Honks are reserved here for actual problems, like someone falling asleep/texting/trying to find a protein bar in the glove box and drifting into another lane or the car in front of them. It is also for those rare occasions when the HOV lane is moving and the rest isn't and NOBODY IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA understands you DON'T CROSS THE SOLID LINE. That's the only thing that actually makes me nervous in the traffic here, when I am lucky enough to be going over 35mph because I am carpooling or exiting and some fucker decides to jump in from a cold stop across a solid line.

(Also lane-splitting motorcycles. I'm going to pee my pants one day getting startled by a motorcycle.)

Pretty much everyone develops the zen state Sophie1 described above: make sure you've got your podcasts/audiobook/Hamilton loaded, maybe a bottle of water but not too much water, maybe a snack, you'll get home eventually, the traffic isn't a surprise, it's probably a nice day out.

The thing that surprises the hell out of me is that everyone seems to be super good about keeping their tanks appropriately full.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:45 AM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


No Ursula - I get into the office at 6 a.m. and leave at 2:30ish. So my commute is about an hour and 45 minutes total.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:21 AM on November 18, 2015


Usually when I hear honking its because someone is busy doing something on their phone and didn't notice the light turned green. Thats probably 80% at least.
posted by thefoxgod at 5:54 PM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


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