a bland and horrible science-fiction monster that tips over on its belly
November 21, 2015 4:15 PM   Subscribe

"Bland, horrible, almost always dry: turkey is an awful choice for a main course." Here's my tip for your Thanksgiving turkey prep: throw it in the garbage, by Dave Bry (SLTheGuardian)
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome (136 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
 
I couldn't agree more. Turkey sandwiches are ok (but not much better than just ok), but the roast bird as served for Thanksgiving is usually unappealing. I've had exactly one turkey dinner that was really good, the result of a long and complex process of brining that brought the turkey up to about the level of a grocery store chicken.

I have had some good heritage birds, but they were extraordinarily expensive and not something that is widely available.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:22 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Meh. It's hard, but not impossible.

Turkey is really about the leftovers the next few days, but you have to roast it first.

Also, sounds like dude has never heard of aromatic brining.

But, if you don't have lots of guests, or don't want the leftovers, there are easier choices, yes.

But event cooking isn't all about easiest, is it?
posted by clvrmnky at 4:22 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


From the comments:
I think the main reason turkey dries out is that it is badly prepared, then badly cooked by people who only roast a big bird once a year.

If you have room buy a turkey in January when they are still poults - around three weeks old. You can keep it in a warmed outhouse or barn initially.

Then after about three months go out every week and shout at it for ten minutes (we do it on Sunday after church). Start with a low menacing rumble and gradually build up to a hysterical scream, perhaps with accusation of infidelity or theft.

After some time it will get used to this and cower back from you. Over the coming months increase the volume and intensity of the shouting at the bird. Also do it on irregular days to keep it on its toes.

You will know if this is working as it will shake as if petrified and nervous. Towards the end of the year you may wish to threaten it with violence - although obviously do not do anything to physically damage the bird.

The result of this is that come December you will have a bird that has basted in it's own fear whilst still alive which has a remarkable effect on it's flesh, making it juicy and succulent.

Now comes the best bit - killing it, which I do with a lump hammer.

After plucking and cleaning put in an oven covered in foil at 180c for 20mins per pound, removing the tin foil for the last hour.

Above all enjoy!

ps the above works on lamb and pigs too.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 4:29 PM on November 21, 2015 [50 favorites]


doingitwrong.com is all I can say.
posted by wintersweet at 4:29 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Got spare legs, wings, and thighs? Wild Turkey Carnitas!
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:30 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Your favorite bird sucks?
posted by Sing Or Swim at 4:34 PM on November 21, 2015 [8 favorites]


I just got The Food Lab cookbook and it has a nice jeremiad against the idea that turkey can't be done right and isn't worthwhile.
posted by kenko at 4:34 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Love The Food Lab! I also prefer my turkeys wild and roaming around the neighborhood, terrifying commuters everywhere.
posted by yueliang at 4:35 PM on November 21, 2015 [7 favorites]


I solved the problem with a needle baster and a pound of butter.
posted by janey47 at 4:41 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


My turkey is delicious, moist (though I hate that word), flavorful and reasonably easy*. If you find turkey in all forms horrible, then I suppose I won't be able to convince you. But "dry" and "bland" suggest that you're perhaps making the wrong choices in your prep.

*It is, however, messy and comparatively hands-on.
posted by thivaia at 4:43 PM on November 21, 2015 [7 favorites]


dave bry doesn't know how to cook a turkey - film at 11
posted by pyramid termite at 4:45 PM on November 21, 2015 [11 favorites]


The real problem around here with the fancy birds is that you order early enough that by the time they slaughter your "small" could have shifted to "medium" if the autumn was just right.

It's actually a big problem when you are expecting a 5kg max bird and you get a 8-10kg bruiser.
posted by clvrmnky at 4:45 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


That being said, a goose is way more fun, and gives you less never ending leftovers, more room for the side dishes everyone really wants and a wack of goose fat for the rest of the potato roasting season.
posted by clvrmnky at 4:47 PM on November 21, 2015 [10 favorites]


i am trying to enlist boston friends to go hunt wild turkeys with me in mount auburn cemetery but apparently there are "laws" that say we are not allowed to do so
posted by poffin boffin at 4:48 PM on November 21, 2015 [21 favorites]


The most insidious idea about Thanksgiving cooking is the idea that the stuffing should or must be cooked inside the bird.
posted by dilaudid at 4:51 PM on November 21, 2015 [10 favorites]


Personally, I think the best substitute for a turkey is a chicken. More precisely the biggest and best capon you can afford. Whatever you buy it will work out cheaper per pound than any non-factory turkey, and you can get them up to about 10lbs. If you're eating a factory-farmed turkey well...good luck to you, enjoy it as best you can.

Duck and pheasant are ridiculous suggestions, given the number of birds you'd need to cook to feed the average size family gathering (you might get away with allowing 1 duck per 3 people, given all the other food floating around, but I'd personally be wary of it. I think you'd need double that number of pheasants). Ham is more practical, but I think it's a lot less impressive than the author thinks it is. I will not dignify the suggestion of salmon with further comment.
posted by howfar at 4:54 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


To contain the amount of stuffing I want to eat, we'd have to switch over to ostrich.
posted by LionIndex at 4:55 PM on November 21, 2015 [26 favorites]


i am trying to enlist boston friends to go hunt wild turkeys with me in mount auburn cemetery but apparently there are "laws" that say we are not allowed to do so

I saw a flock of eight birds on the Danvers Rail Trail last week.

I also saw a patient dude with a crossbow and a large cooler.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:56 PM on November 21, 2015 [10 favorites]


“The Food Lab's Definitive Guide to Buying, Prepping, Cooking, and Carving Your Holiday Turkey,” J. Kenji López-Alt, Serious Eats Food Lab, Undated
posted by ob1quixote at 4:57 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


I like dry turkey. If it's so overly dry that it glues my mouth shut, I drown it in gravy.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:00 PM on November 21, 2015 [9 favorites]


The author seems to be the kind of fussy, contrarian foodie who doesn't really know a lot about cooking, and thus may be suited to a paper/site put out by the British, who were infamous for ruining food until an influx of East Asian immigrants reintroduced them to the idea of flavor.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:02 PM on November 21, 2015 [10 favorites]


dilaudid - absolutely!

Turkey isn't hard at all. I love Thanksgiving.

Given my preferences, the meat is cooked ahead of time, and then reheated on T-day. Everybody exclaims they love the leftovers anyway.

Cook a turkey a week ahead of time. Remove the meat. Boil bones and make broth. Put some of the broth in with all of the meat, and freeze. This makes sure the meat is moist when reheated.

Save some of the broth and use it to make stuffing (with rye toast, and wild rice, of course). Freeze.

If you pack the turkey and stuffing/dressing in foil pans, with foil wrap lids, they reheat beautifully.

Freeze the rest of the broth, and use it on T-day to make gravy.

Now, everything can be done on the stove top (boiling taters, making gravy), or in the oven which stays at 325 to 350 degrees F all day (for reheating pre-made stuff, cooking that casserole, and when that stuff's out, the pies).

Cooking, freezing, and reheating is a very well-established approach to industrial food processing. Put your love of the food and care for your friends/family into your efforts, and let yourself use this approach, and the results will be very well beyond what you might expect.
posted by yesster at 5:04 PM on November 21, 2015 [21 favorites]


Well, we are talking about a person who disapproves of squash and sweet potatoes here, so . . .

That said, I do harbor dreams of someday serving a nice big crisp-skinned Thanksgiving Duck. Because sure, turkey can be good, but is it ever better than duck?
posted by ostro at 5:08 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]




Well, "turkey is fine" wouldn't be a sufficiently provocative story for people to reflexively repost it here.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:10 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


It's not all that hard to do right. The very first time I ever roasted a turkey by myself (and every time since then), it turned out perfect. The Internet and a basic ability to do a little research are powerful friends to have.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:13 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


That said, I'd like to try a goose one of these years.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:14 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Previously. Apparently the key is to order an heirloom-variety turkey months in advance so that you don't have to eat vat-grown meat from a bird-shaped vat.
posted by Vulgar Euphemism at 5:16 PM on November 21, 2015


That said, I'd like to try a goose one of these years.

A goose is a really good festive roast, which I have enjoyed in the past. The only issue with it is the low meat-mass to bird-volume ratio, so personally I reckon it's worth waiting for the year when you haven't got to host your entire extended family, so you can cook a manageable size bird.
posted by howfar at 5:21 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


The Food Lab article linked above is all you need. That way you get the joy of a well-cooked bird AND the joy of running around your kitchen yelling "SPATCHCOCK!" at anyone within earshot.
posted by delfin at 5:21 PM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]


How often does anybody attempt to make a meal as complicated as a traditional American turkey dinner with all the various components? Almost only at Thanksgiving. So most people don't get good at it.

It is stressful to try and coordinate everything, if you're not used to it. So nothing seems to come out right. I'm comfortable doing it, but not many people are.

That's why I recommend cooking some things ahead of time. Then you can focus on them one at a time, and make sure they're right (and remake if necessary, without time pressure).

There's a grocery store chain here that "caters" Thanksgiving dinner for you to "cook" at home. Guess what? Everything is precooked, and packed in foil pans, frozen, ready to reheat.

Do yourself a favor, and take the same approach. Your favorite recipes will be better than the "catered" option.

And you can spend your time on family fun and drama, with zero worries about what's happening in the oven or on the stove.

Turkey is absolutely simple to make, and make delicious.
posted by yesster at 5:23 PM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]


Having just posted about turkey, I do have to say that the best part of a turkey dinner is in fact the dressing. My man Kenji also posted a vegan dressing recipe that sounds so good I'm tempted to try and talk my family into it. Combined with his post about innovative ways to serve stuffing or dressing, e.g. the stuff-puppie, it sounds even better.
posted by ob1quixote at 5:25 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Well, we are talking about a person who disapproves of squash and sweet potatoes here, so . . .

Is he a five-year-old? This would explain so much.

(Either that or masterful trolling, I guess.)
posted by wintersweet at 5:27 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


The most insidious idea about Thanksgiving cooking is the idea that the stuffing should or must be cooked inside the bird.

I like putting a fairly thin layer of stuffing on the base of the cavity, so it flavours the meat and soaks up the juices, but you're right that actually stuffing the bird with stuffing is a recipe for disaster. Maybe someone else can make a fully stuffed bird cook evenly, but I don't know how they manage it.

That way you get the joy of a well-cooked bird AND the joy of running around your kitchen yelling "SPATCHCOCK!" at anyone within earshot.

AND explaining that in French it's called "dinde en crapaudine": turkey in the style of a toad.
posted by howfar at 5:29 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


I got so distracted by my trip down stuffing lane, that I forgot the Vegetables Wellington recipe as a vegan alternative to the roast bird I meant to post in the first place.
posted by ob1quixote at 5:29 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


(erk--re. doingitwrong.com: I reloaded it a few times before I used the real URL as a link, and I just got harmlessly ridiculous stuff. I reloaded it just now and got nothing but photos of incipient harm. SORRY. Click at your own risk! Still, Mr. Bry is doing it wrong.)

(oh my god wait Dave Bry IS THIS GUY ACTUALLY DAVE BARRY, IS THIS JUST TERRIBLE HUMOR WRITING, PLEASE SAY YES)
posted by wintersweet at 5:30 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


YOU PEOPLE COULD BE EATING GOOSE
posted by The Whelk at 5:33 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


The first turkey alternative listed, ham, is basically four-legged turkey: an inferior dish that we'll eat on holidays forever because tradition. It's like those terrible gifts adults panic-buy each other because it's Christmas, and they have to get something.

At least turkey's blandness works in its favor on Friday, when it's made into paksiw, which you then put over rice (tradition), and absolutely do not put between garlic-toasted buns with pickled daikon and carrot with sriracha sauce. Don't do that.
posted by kurumi at 5:34 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'd go along with goose because turkeys seem like chill birds and geese are real fucking assholes and there's no better revenge than eating your enemies.
posted by dogwalker at 5:35 PM on November 21, 2015 [16 favorites]


I like dry turkey. If it's so overly dry that it glues my mouth shut, I drown it in gravy.

Metroid Baby, you and I can be turkey bros. I've never understood this push for suuuuuper moist chicken and turkey. If my poultry is like, oozing juices with every bite, that's weird to me. Takes out all the texture! Moistness is not in and of itself a good thing!

Of course, the finest argument for more turkey in all seasons is the presence of delicious, fatty, crackly turkey skin. If they could just sell that on its own I would be incredibly happy. (Also somewhat more rotund. But it'd be worth it, dammit.) I'd love to try a goose one of these days, but I'm one of those people sufficiently broke that the factory farmed turkey is pretty much all that fits into our budget.
posted by sciatrix at 5:41 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


He will not eat it with a fork,
He will not eat it with some pork,
He will not eat it north nor south,
He will not eat it with his mouth,
He will not eat it in a mousse,
He will not eat it à la russe.
He won't eat it in Mindanao,
He will not eat it cooked nohow.
He will not eat your turkey bird,
He will not eat it (so I've heard).
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:44 PM on November 21, 2015 [26 favorites]


I like ham, but we often have ham on Christmas. Thanksgiving should not be the same meal as Christmas. THEM'S THE RULES.

I don't know from goose, though I'll try it if someone else comes over and makes it for me. I live where flocks of chill turkeys routinely stroll down my street, causing the neighbor's cat to vacillate entertainingly between terror and appetite, but I work on a campus that's held hostage by an anserine mafia. So dogwalker's comment above is well taken.
posted by wintersweet at 5:45 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


I like turkey just fine, but it is pretty hard to justify turkey when duck is a possibility.

And if you like turkey skin, duck skin must be pretty tempting.
posted by ssg at 5:46 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Last year I parted a turkey and made this roast out of the breast, prepared dressing separately, and braised the legs, thighs, and wings in red wine with mushrooms and carrots ("dinde au vin" I guess): the best of all possible worlds.
posted by there's no crying in espionage at 5:46 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Someday I am going to make a turkey in the style of the famed talk.bizarre cookbook, Garnish With Beak. Amongst its recipes for Voodoo Death Chicken, Papal Shark, Swedish Boiled Bread, Medieval Lime Mousse, the Naked Mole Rat cocktail and Nathan's Dangerous Gingerbeer Which You Should Never Make As The Recipe Clearly States In Several Places Because You Are Quite Likely To Be Perforated By Flying Glass Shards You Have Been Warned, you will find a recipe for Morton Thompson's Black Turkey that sounds equal parts pathological and exquisite.
posted by delfin at 5:47 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Yeah duck is nice but you just can't feed more than a few people with one.
posted by dilaudid at 5:47 PM on November 21, 2015


We did Canadian Thanksgiving using @yesster's method. I did nothing but bake a loaf of fresh bread for the meal. The rest was done in a kitchen hundreds of kilometers away and brought to a dining room near me.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:50 PM on November 21, 2015


If I cooked an ostrich, there might be enough stuffing for me, but what is everybody else going to eat? For that, I'd need an Aepyornis. Those are hard to get, what with being extinct.
posted by Anne Neville at 5:52 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


*gooses Greg Ace*
posted by jonmc at 5:52 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


I like turkey fine but it is, yes, a little boring and I know the cool kids think it sucks. As far as cooking my own bird for Thanksgiving, it's just the two of us here so no thank you. Typically we take the hour drive north to our favorite barbecue joint and bring home a whole smoked duck for Thanksgiving dinner (it is awesome and well worth being thankful for) but this year we're rolling the dice and picking up a "tandoori turkey" from our favorite local Indian kitchen. I'm skeptical, but they have yet to serve me anything that's short of fucking delicious so I'll be interested to see what it's like.
posted by Mothlight at 5:54 PM on November 21, 2015


My tip: bite me, limey git.
posted by Docrailgun at 5:56 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


but janey, which problems can you not solve with a needle baster and a pound of butter
posted by PinkMoose at 5:58 PM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]


Yeah, but I... just pointed out that my grocery budget is miniscule, and duck is something like two or three times as expensive as turkey per pound in my area. Not all of us can afford the fancy heritage birds and things? If someone's gonna buy it for me, I would eat the shit out of some duck, but till then I'm going to reflect on the gloriousness of poultry that I can reasonably afford.
posted by sciatrix at 6:02 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


I have never cooked pheasant or goose, and my attempts at duck have not been great. If anyone has awesome recipes/instructions for such, please share!

My favorite Thanksgiving turkey was the first one I roasted myself, with a local heritage bird from a froufy local butcher shop. I suspect part of my fondness for it was that it was the first time I'd hosted and I'd done all the sides as well and I was proud of myself, and "victory!" is a great flavor.

My mom would always cook an ENORMOUS (20+ lb) factory-farmed turkey, even though it was often just four of us, stuffed stuffed stuffed with stuffing, with extra stuffing cooked separately. I remember it all being cooked properly -- and my mother was an excellent cook, so it's certainly plausible -- but I also think that none of us liked dark meat, so it's possible she cheated a bit on cooking times.
posted by jaguar at 6:06 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


5 years ago I asked MeFi for help on Throwing Out The Bird and going with a mexican feast instead. Since that Mexican Feast, my extended family has done Indian Feast, Moroccan Feast, Caribbean Feast, and next week is Italian Feast. OMG ITALIAN FEAST IS COMING.

This FPP is good advice. Ditch the bird.
posted by mcstayinskool at 6:07 PM on November 21, 2015 [9 favorites]


I have absolutely nothing against turkey, but I just find chicken superior on every metric.

The size is smaller, it's more manageable in the fridge and cooks faster and more evenly. And you can fit something else in the oven.

It's fattier, so it's generally juicer and more flavoursome without doing anything. The fat also drips down to delier more flavour to my roasted vegetables and gravy.

I can carve and joint it very quickly.

If I'm doing fiddly, I would rather have duck or goose. When I'm making a 12-15 dish Christmas lunch, turkey is too demanding and annoying. I did for a few years, and then one year was just like "fuck it, these organic chickens look a hundred times nicer, and they are like a quarter of the price". I haven't looked back since.
posted by smoke at 6:11 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


If you're cooking for a small group, why not do turkey parts instead of a whole bird? If you're into white meat, you can easily find turkey half breasts. If you like both white and dark, the advantage is that everything doesn't have to cook together.
posted by Anne Neville at 6:12 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Sure turkey is hard, but ham? There's nothing redeeming there, a good ham is just like a mediocre ham, but your pocketbook is twice as light. I guess I didn't realize I had hot takes about thanksgiving food, but apparently so!
posted by Carillon at 6:12 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Since it's just the two of us and my mom in her old folks home, we generally go out (or go to the assisted living place, which is what she wants us to do this year). In previous years, we have gone to a local churrascaria and had all sorts of exotic meats, including a chimichurri-marinated turkey that is the best damn turkey I think I've ever eaten.

I think this year for Christmas Eve, somebody is making Cajun turkey. I'm excited about this. Turkey is fine for ceremonial dinner, but let's have fun with how we (read: someone who is not me) cook it at least!
posted by immlass at 6:19 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


Sometimes I think I'm the only person who doesn't like duck in any form. And bleh to duck fat. I also think truffles taste of feet.
posted by zennie at 6:27 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


Duck is like, why is this so fatty, why is this happening to me, why is this so pink

my best thanksgiving was spent at a taco bell on 3rd avenue with a bunch of drag queens and we'd all been awake/high/in need of assistance since Disco 2000 the night before and no one had a family home they could realistically ever go back to again and still be the person they really were and also we got free cinnamon twists
posted by poffin boffin at 6:42 PM on November 21, 2015 [26 favorites]


Despite some pot-shots at the English here, the author is American.
posted by markr at 7:34 PM on November 21, 2015


pot-shots at the English here

Totally missed that, I guess?
posted by yesster at 7:44 PM on November 21, 2015


Nuts to turkey and ham both. The year I got put in charge of the main Thanksgiving protein is the year that we switch to brisket. If people want to cram the blandness of sweet potatoes and squash into their mouths, more power to them but they can bring those themselves; I ain't making those either. There are so many better sides, starch and vegetable, that exist in the world.

(I have had regular turkey, turducken, fried turkey, ground turkey, turkey sausage and gourmet dishes containing turkey. Meh to all of them. Me and turkey are just never going to be friends.)
posted by emjaybee at 7:44 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


My mom's side of the family just has too many people so it has to be turkey. And ham as well. And usually a second ham because no one coordinated with the others. And then two batches of noodles with turkey meat in the gravy. And then all the other sides and appetizers and desserts and so on. And queso and chips (this is Oklahoma so tex-mex is required). And then the next day I go to my dad's side of the family and there's only 4 or 5 people instead of 40-50 and things are much more restrained.
posted by downtohisturtles at 7:44 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]


If you have a local oriental food store, you can often find duck there - and it's not usually that expensive. To my taste, duck beats chicken and turkey all over, slow cook it for a while, then turn up the heat to crisp the skin. Yum. Save the duck fat to cook potatoes.

Or duck legs confit. Double yum. (Costco has them in LA at least, but they can be found online - the Costco version is overspiced for my taste, but still worth keeping a few packs in the freezer.)
posted by Death and Gravity at 7:53 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


"If people want to cram the blandness of sweet potatoes and squash into their mouths, more power to them but they can bring those themselves ..."

I will fight you.

We will peel back the foil on the Lord's bounty that I brought, and we will fight. It will be glorious, and then there will be pie.
posted by clvrmnky at 7:58 PM on November 21, 2015 [8 favorites]


Sorry clvrmnky, I've just tried so many squash or sweet potato things and the magic never happens. Maybe I am missing a key tastebud.

Squash bread is yummy, though, I'm good with that. And of course pie.
posted by emjaybee at 8:09 PM on November 21, 2015


Mr. Roquette, and my daughter's brother - in - law, he deep -fries the turkey, a local guy that did a gorgeous smoked turkey, and the time I made beer basted turkey in July.
Those were some good turkeys, oh and my very first time cooking turkey. We had no standard marinade. I used Italian dressing and it worked really well.
Good turkey can be done.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 9:02 PM on November 21, 2015


I feel the same way when people tell me that they don't "get" sweet potatoes or squash that other people feel when I tell them that cilantro tastes like soap to me.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:09 PM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]


If you're going to do goose, do your research. Didn't assure (like I did), that it's similar to cooking chicken or turkey. There's a, ton of fat you have to deal with, and it can be a little tricky.

For turkey, once you've brined, you'll never go back. And no, it's still not amazing, the way dick can be, but still delicious, especially with apple cider gravy.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 9:14 PM on November 21, 2015 [8 favorites]


CheeseDigestsAll: And no, it's still not amazing, the way dick can be, but still delicious, especially with apple cider gravy.

I have never tried dick with apple cider gravy, maybe this year will be a *very* special Thanksgiving. Also, eponymous...I guess?
posted by gofargogo at 9:23 PM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]


And no, it's still not amazing, the way dick can be, but still delicious

Obviously I'm not getting invited to the proper Thanksgiving dinners.
posted by yesster at 9:26 PM on November 21, 2015 [11 favorites]


Purchase turkey. Purchase two pounds of bacon. Put turkey in roasting pan and drape all visible parts of turkey with bacon, concentrating extra bacon on breast of turkey. Put turkey in 350* oven and ignore for 20 minutes per pound. It self-bastes as the bacon slowly melts into the turkey. You can put some foil over it in the second half of cooking if you want, but you can also just ignore it and it comes out moist and delicious and with delicious crispy bacon bits falling off it as you carve.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:27 PM on November 21, 2015 [8 favorites]


emjaybee: "The year I got put in charge of the main Thanksgiving protein is the year that we switch to brisket. If people want to cram the blandness of sweet potatoes and squash into their mouths, "

Yeah but turkey and yams and squash (and cranberry, and pumpkin, and potatoes, and pecans) are all NEW WORLD FOODS which is like part of the whole thing of Thanksgiving, so I hope you're making something tomato-based at least!

Maybe you could do capybara for the protein?
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:31 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


Eh, if I was the one doing the work or if I had to eat the mediocre turkey (the dark meat was actually quite tasty, but the white was always way too dry despite grandpa's constant basting) I often had growing up I might see the logic in the no turkey point of view. However, my SO and her mom both make incredible turkey. It includes bacon and patè, is uniformly moist, and is just generally awesome, but I don't think those two ingredients are the sole source of deliciousness.

Point being that for the past decade and a half I've only had two problems with turkey: I don't get it often enough and the mandatory nap. Thankfully, my SO's family does Thanksgiving dinner, as in in the evening, so the inevitable turkey sleep is appropriately timed. When it was dinner in the South, that was at lunch time, which meant a long drive home while hardly being able to stay awake. (In the south dinner is the noonish meal and supper is the evening meal)

Maybe if you guys have been good boys and girls this year Georgia will let go of the secret recipe so you can have a delicious Christmas turkey and stop with this turkey hating nonsense.

BTW, my uncle's fried turkey is also quite tasty, but pales in comparison to the in-laws'.
posted by wierdo at 9:32 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


And having now noticed upthread someone saying that sweet potatoes are bland, I really feel sorry for some of you. The problem isn't Thanksgiving, the problem is the recipes being used. Even I can make tasty sweet potatoes, so it can't be that hard. (I rolled aa 4 or 5 in cooking skill, which basically means I'm mostly lost if it doesn't come in a packet or a box)
posted by wierdo at 9:36 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]


Turkey sucks. Pig. Picnic shoulder. Pernil. Plenty of skin. Salt, oil, all the garlic you can find. 275 until you get tired of waiting, 425 until you have nice chicharron.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:06 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


Since wierdo asked on your behalf AND the idea of people not eating delicious turkey makes me sad, here's my mom's secret recipe. Developed by combining her Caribbean and European backgrounds.

- Layer the bottom of the roasting pan with chunks of onions. Enough to cover the whole bottom.
- drop slices of butter around and season with garlic salt and salt
- rub the turkey with limes, inside and out, get under the skin too
- rub the inside of the turkey with butter and salt, stuff with chunks of onions and a few lemon wedges
- rub the turkey with salt, garlic salt, and butter, get under the skin
- rub the turkey with pâté, also under the skin
- make a paste of cilantro, red onion, garlic, salt, water in the blender/food processor, rub all over the turkey, also under the skin and drop some of the paste on the onions in the pan

Now you have two options for cooking the turkey.

First is my mom's traditional way:
- set oven to 350, cover the breasts with a layer of thick cut bacon, cover the breast area with foil
-cover the pan, cook turkey for almost the full amount of time based on the number of pounds, basting occasionally
- 45 mins before it's done, uncover the breasts, baste again, and cook uncovered to get the top nice and crispy (turn on the broiler at the end if necessary)

My method:
- set the oven to lowest temperature, 200 if you can, but no higher than 250
- Place your turkey upside down in the pan
- cover and let the turkey cook overnight for 12 hours
- in the morning, the turkey will be done and amazing, no need to baste as it's upside down so it'll have been basting itself
- flip over, turn on the broiler
-cover the breasts and exposed legs in bacon, brown the bacon uncovered

Serve! Both cooking methods are delicious and moist, but I think my slow coming method is the moistest and the meat will be falling off the bone.

Last tip, although hard to do, really really worth it, if you can manage to remove the backbone from the turkey and then push down to crack the breast bone, to get the turkey to lay flat, like a butterflied chicken, when you cook it upside down, ALL the meat is self basting and falling off the bone. It's hard to do and you need a fully thawed turkey, but omg, the results are amazing.

Also, on the sweet potatoes, the main thing that I have found people don't do is salt their potatoes properly. All potatoes. You need really salty water to boil them in if boiling. And if not boiling, you need to just make sure you add enough salt. Sweet potatoes are delicious and really good for you. Of course, at Thanksgiving they call for an indecent amount of butter and brown sugar, but hey, it's only once a year!

Good luck and let me know if you try this recipe, or a variation of it, and how it turns out!

Happy Thanksgiving!
posted by Georgia Is All Out Of Smokes at 10:32 PM on November 21, 2015 [11 favorites]


Moved to the US having (I think) never had Turkey that I could recall - and I've always been underwhelmed by it. Then again - my first Thanksgiving I went to a friend's pot luck dinner and brought a nice Lamb pie I had slaved over a hot kitchen making. They thought it was dessert and brought it out with cake and ice cream at the end. It was then that I discovered that true meat pies (and sausage rolls!) aren't really a thing here and decided America is super weird. I'll be cooking a nice leg of lamb this holiday.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 10:35 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]


So for one Thanksgiving dinner for three, I made this multi-course meal. There is ... a lot of pre-planning, and help in the kitchen from people not sitting down to eat (You eat as you cook and get to drink and gossip in the kitchen and bow in for courses at the table) But the general idea was....


Start with dried figs wrapped in prosciutto and Parmesan crisps , like for the table.

Then serve an Endive and Walnut/Apple and blue cheese salad. Like this? But I just put the mixture (which I made ahead, it keeps nicely in the fridge, just spoon it onto the endive) Into endive sections so it was cupped finger food, like two a plate

Then roast carrots and fennel with cumin, again small. One big hefty spoonful to a plate. Kind of like this . This holds warm well and you don't use the stove a lot for this so it can hang out there. It's also fine semi-lukewarm.

Then cornbread, for the table, I didn't make it I bought it. Muffins would be a nice presentation. Warmed slightly maybe.

Then the big course, Roast duck breast, sliced and served with a cranberry reduction on top. Two duck breasts is about four people, and cooking just the breast makes it a lot faster, something like this . Maybe more honey. Lavender if you have it would be nice. Plate it with a crumbled roast chestnut and barley and onion and fresh sage and nutmeg quasi-stuffing you can keep warm on the stove-top. Roast the chestnuts beforehand. You can have this ready to go early - think like a cafeteria. One good ladle-full for the sliced duck breast to rest on.

Then a nice chilled soup, just a cup full. You can make this completely before hand and just pull it out of the fridge. I like curried Pumpkin with roast almonds or roast pumpkin seeds or pistachios.

Sweet potato tart, a small one. I used pre-made small molds. Threw them into the oven to warm when I cleared the duck plates and got out the soup.

Then dessert. A scoop of vanilla ice cream from the store with a black grape compote. The compote can be made ahead and thrown on the stove-top to re-warm while you scoop out the ice cream. Again, think like a cafeteria.

Dark chocolate and espresso truffles bought ahead and brandy to finish.

boom.
posted by The Whelk at 10:49 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]


Despite some pot-shots at the English here, the author is American.

Xenophobic and cringeworthy oversensitivity to perceived criticism to outsiders is one of the things that America is giving thanks for! It's a British tradition that the colonists kept up from their very first winter.
posted by howfar at 10:51 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


plus apparently the gravy-drenched dicks
posted by poffin boffin at 10:52 PM on November 21, 2015


Maybe you could do capybara for the protein?

Fish is for Lent, not Thanksgiving!
posted by howfar at 10:54 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


OH and a drop of fake truffle oil in the barley mixture for the duck is okay too.

In the vegetarian version of this menu the duck is replaced with roast, spicy cinnamon cauliflower and the figs are just figs.
posted by The Whelk at 10:59 PM on November 21, 2015


I made goose for thanksgiving a few years ago. When I got the creature, it smelled so bad, I thought it was rotten and had to be reassured. Our apartment smelled bad for a week.

I followed the cook's illustrated recipe and got a perfect result that our friends loved. Very dark meat, almost beefy. And like a half gallon of fat.
posted by breath at 11:13 PM on November 21, 2015


Oh lord, I will never cook a goose again, so much fat. So much. I'm going to try spatchcocking this years turkey. Because one of my regular guests is nigh onto 70, and he wants turkey, so by gawd, I'm making a turkey. And sweet taters with maple and pecans from the tree out back. And barefoot contessa savory bread pudding for stuffing. And a glorious brown bread. And something green.

I don't get the turkey hate, mine have always turned out lovely, even in my current ancient kitchen of weird old appliances. Plus, if you don't make turkey, you can't have turkey sandwiches, and I'm not even sure how you live through that sort of deprivation.

Also, cilantro tastes of the devil's bath water. Just sayin.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 11:14 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


And like a half gallon of fat.

THIS IS WHY YOU COOK GOOSE
Or even to a lesser degree, duck

ALL THE FAT, ALL THE GLORIOUS FAT. TUBS OF IT.

this is why we drain it off at regular times in cooking.

USE IT. IT WILL BE A WIZARD SPELL IN MAKING EVERYTHING AMAZING.

Drain it, filter it, clairfiy it, oh god why even HAVE Butter
posted by The Whelk at 11:18 PM on November 21, 2015 [7 favorites]


SAVORY BUTTER SUBSTITUTE AND COOKING MEDIUMS WHERE YOU CAN USE HALF THE AMOUNT

It's ECONOMICAL
posted by The Whelk at 11:24 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


It's a long article, so allow me to summarize it: "I don't like turkey, so in this article I will bring down everyone who likes turkey to where I am. Because I am so, so lonely."
posted by zardoz at 11:38 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]


The fat was great! I couldn't use it up through normal cooking so I went on a biscuits tear for a while. Those things are basically toasted fat with a flour garnish.
posted by breath at 12:11 AM on November 22, 2015


The author seems to be the kind of fussy, contrarian foodie who doesn't really know a lot about cooking, and thus may be suited to a paper/site put out by the British, who were infamous for ruining food until an influx of East Asian immigrants reintroduced them to the idea of flavor.

My impression living here is that a lot of the population do indeed eat poorly (frozen peas, frozen breaded meat, frozen chips, all from a supermarket chain called Iceland that sells... frozen pre-prep food and not a lot else) but traditional English food is amazing. Steak and ale pie is fucking fantastic, as is the completely different despite the similar name fish pie, before we even start looking at any regional cuisine.
posted by Dysk at 2:10 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


It's probably more difficult to find in the U.S but as an alternative capon is perfect.
Basically it's a giant chicken with lots of fat.
posted by SageLeVoid at 3:22 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


Despite some pot-shots at the English here, the author is American.

Its OK to make xenophobic jibes in the US so long as it against Europeans like the English or French, (not now with the latter, obviously, but that will change in a few months). And this prompted by an American's jokey dissing of a bland, mediocre meat in a humorous column. Did you really need a laughter soundtrack?

And yes, cooking a whole turkey is a dreadful idea with an almost guaranteed poor outcome for most. I get why history makes you fetishize it for this occasion but there are a huge number of other meats which would be easier to cook and make a better meal. if it must be turkey, the whole "we need to cater for large numbers" is also just being fetishistic about the carving ritual. Just do a smaller bird and a collection of pre-carved pieces, it is all the same on the plate but much easier to cook well.
posted by epo at 3:48 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


Influencing how the turkey will get cooked at my in-laws on Christmas day seems about as likely as us all sitting down to eat it topless.
posted by biffa at 4:13 AM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]


frozen peas

Unless your peas were picked yesterday, frozen peas (of good quality) are better than fresh.

all from a supermarket chain called Iceland

People shop in Iceland when they can't afford to do otherwise. The ridiculous (and rising) cost of living for a lot of poorer people is a very real criticism that one could level at the UK.
posted by howfar at 4:15 AM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]


The problem with a roast goose is that it's just the right size for a largish Springer Spaniel to get his jaws around and run off with. However, I have it on good authority that the bite marks can be cut off and the gaps hidden with parsley until carving time.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:52 AM on November 22, 2015 [8 favorites]


However, a cat left alone with a plastic wrapped turkey can do enough damage during a single working day to make serving the bird irretrievable.

NB Warning the cat he will not be getting any kitekat for dinner may not prove an effective deterrent.
posted by biffa at 5:24 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


People shop in Iceland when they can't afford to do otherwise.

But 'Mum's gone to Iceland due to a fundamentalist belief in laissez faire economics leading to a declining industrial base, no meaningful policy for stimulating new industries and a general fall in living standards for the precariat and displaced working classes' is not a winner advertising-wise.
posted by biffa at 5:29 AM on November 22, 2015 [8 favorites]


How often does anybody attempt to make a meal as complicated as a traditional American turkey dinner with all the various components?

I dunno, once a week for us probably? I have a lot of time on my hands.

I guess I'm kind of a traditionalist, because I can't imagine Thanksgiving without a whole roasted turkey. But I've also been anointed Holiday Chef in the family (no matter who's household is hosting, strangely enough) so I get to do everything my way. The hardest part is getting people to stop arguing with me when I give them a shopping list ("yes, three pounds of butter! Stop squawking about it, it's the holidays!").

And cooking a turkey's not super challenging, there are just a few guidelines. Don't buy an enormous bird, they just won't cook evenly; if you have a lot of people, get two turkeys. 15-ish pounds is about my maximum. Leave it in the fridge, uncovered and drenched in salt, for a couple days before cooking. Right before cooking, melt about a stick of butter, mix in some fresh herbs, and paint that all over the skin. High heat in the oven for about an hour, then drop the temperature for the rest of the cooking. And use a meat thermometer!

Ham is good, but it's not Thanksgiving food. And it's not unimpressive if you start from a whole, raw, 20 pound pork shoulder.
posted by backseatpilot at 5:32 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


People shop in Iceland when they can't afford to do otherwise. The ridiculous (and rising) cost of living for a lot of poorer people is a very real criticism that one could level at the UK.

For sure. But it is a different world to much of the rest of Europe, where equivalent chains simply do not exist on anything like the same scale.
posted by Dysk at 6:16 AM on November 22, 2015


But it is a different world to much of the rest of Europe, where equivalent chains simply do not exist on anything like the same scale.

There's something to this. There are certain issues with British food culture, primarily connected to industrialisation and rationing, which one does not find in roughly comparable Western European countries. But make no mistake that the most significant factor in this is the basic of living for poor people. Foodie snobs, I've noticed, like to make a lot of how much more of household income is spent on food in France than in the UK, conveniently neglecting to notice that this disparity is more than accounted for by the greater cost of housing in our insane bubble market.
posted by howfar at 7:10 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


Hell, it's as much about the roasting aromas as anything else. And dryness is easy to prevent or cure. For me, the very best part of the turkey is the stock made from the carcass afterward. So rich it cools to a solid, it is best served with homemade noodles and a generous sprinkle of fresh nutmeg. HEAVEN.
posted by kinnakeet at 7:35 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


The author seems to be the kind of fussy, contrarian foodie who doesn't really know a lot about cooking, and thus may be suited to a paper/site put out by the British, who were infamous for ruining food until an influx of East Asian immigrants reintroduced them to the idea of flavor.

I'm pretty sure you mean South Asian.
posted by GeorgeBickham at 7:37 AM on November 22, 2015


Sweet potatoes are pretty much the easiest thing in the world not to screw up, though it's certainly possible to do them better. Peeling and boiling means they're gonna be more liquidy. Roasting them works better for casseroles, IMO, so the casserole doesn't end up too gloppy. (And sweet potatoes are pretty awesome even plain out of the oven with no treatment whatsoever beyond washing any dirt off and poking a few holes with a fork if you remember.)

I will eat sweet potatoes in pretty much any form and at any time if someone needs a taste tester for some reason.
posted by asperity at 7:52 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


true meat pies (and sausage rolls!) aren't really a thing here

Mmm, like most other statements about US cuisine, this really depends on where you mean by here.
posted by aspersioncast at 7:58 AM on November 22, 2015


I'm pretty sure you mean South Asian

I'm sure he does too, but I'm pretty sure Chinese restaurants pre-dated 'Indian' restaurants in the UK, so East Asian may be more accurate.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 8:43 AM on November 22, 2015


My mom sent me a text on Friday "I just got a fresh duck." It's just the two of us this year. Duck is tastier, does not dry out (I don't care about my mouth getting glued shut, I care about the fact that my stomach tries to empty itself when that happens) and is right for just two people. They don't make turkeys small enough.

If we had to go larger, either 2 ducks or a goose. Bird fat people! It's amazing stuff. It makes the birds taste good. And if you're only eating it once a year, it's not about to kill you.
posted by Hactar at 9:02 AM on November 22, 2015


Hactar: "They don't make turkeys small enough."

I do a turkey breast by itself when it's just a small group of us, which still gives us leftovers for sandwiches but isn't as overwhelming as a whole bird. A lot of people do not realize you can buy JUST a turkey breast, usually right next to the whole birds at the supermarket. (If you buy direct from a farm, they will also usually happily accommodate you wanting just parts, but usually you have to call and can't do it online. Especially if you like dark meat and are willing to basically take "whatever people who just want a breast don't want.")

I have a friend who doesn't want leftovers and she does a couple drumsticks for her small family. I always think she must have very Ren Faire-ish Thanksgivings, I would totally not bother carving it off the bone if I did legs and it would be AWESOME.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:33 AM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]


I always cook the breast meat sous vide and make confit out of the leg meat. Turns out awesome every time.
posted by slkinsey at 9:36 AM on November 22, 2015


Duck is like, why is this so fatty, why is this happening to me, why is this so pink

Most recipes recommend ignoring the duck's questions.
posted by krinklyfig at 9:44 AM on November 22, 2015 [8 favorites]


Got any corn?
posted by howfar at 10:02 AM on November 22, 2015


> Got any corn?

again, ignore the ducks' questions.
posted by boo_radley at 10:11 AM on November 22, 2015 [5 favorites]


My grandmother always cooks enough food for about 17 large thanksgiving meals. meals, including turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, salad, corn bread, roasted vegetables, brisket, matzoh ball soup, knishes, fruit salad, and dessert (pumpkin pie, fruit pie, fruit salad, pecan pie, ice cream cake, rugelach, chocolate chip cookies, and brownies). It is all delicious, always. This year, there are only going to be 6 of us, and she was thinking that she might not make pecan pie as the concession to there being fewer people than normal. The other thing is that she always gets bagels and lox and chopped liver and whitefish salad and deli and pumpernickel and rye for all the other meals. We're trying to convince her that maybe we can live on leftovers alone?
posted by ChuraChura at 10:13 AM on November 22, 2015


I love the Thanksgiving meal, notably gravy, stuffing, sides and cranberry jelly. Leftover turkeY sandwiches with tons of mayo and horseradish. The soup you make with the bones and leftovers. It was always a major production growing up because we had to have the fancy dishes and way too much concern about details.

One year, my Mom sent me to 7-11 3 times - probably milk, sour cream, and maybe juice. The 4th time, which was for olives, which I doubt they'd even have, I said No. I was maybe 21. She was stunned, and I probably was, too, because she was rather demanding. Lightning didn't strike, she made somebody else go to 7-11, and I fondly remember that little bit of freedom.
posted by theora55 at 10:17 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


ignore the ducks' questions

Got any nails?
posted by ambrosen at 10:30 AM on November 22, 2015 [6 favorites]


Bah. Never had my mother's roasted turkey. Dark and breast meat both perfectly done and flavorful. A foil cap removed part of the way through was part of it, but I don't know all her tricks. She's retired from the field now, on the ground that 50 years of holiday turkeys was enough. My dad now does a decent job doing it part in a smoker, but it's not quite the same.
posted by tavella at 12:04 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


I was about to post an AskMe, then remembered this thread is open and filled with turkey and duck experts. I am confiting turkey legs. I purchased frozen duck fat. I would like to do the confit-ing today -- how do I get the duck fat un-frozen? I stuck it in the fridge but I assume it'll take longer than a few hours to thaw there. Can I just stick in a pot over low heat and melt it that way?

I am not used to frozen fats.
posted by jaguar at 12:16 PM on November 22, 2015


Can I just stick in a pot over low heat and melt it that way?

Yes. You will have to, in fact, unless your kitchen is unusually warm. It won't liquefy at normal room temperature.
posted by howfar at 12:21 PM on November 22, 2015


Oh, right. I guess my question was more whether I can do that while it's still frozen.
posted by jaguar at 12:24 PM on November 22, 2015


Absolutely. No danger from a food hygiene point of view.
posted by howfar at 12:30 PM on November 22, 2015


poffin boffin: "i am trying to enlist boston friends to go hunt wild turkeys with me in mount auburn cemetery but apparently there are "laws" that say we are not allowed to do so"

I've had the same thoughts on the Canada geese that overwinter here. I could probably get my bag limit in a few hours with nothing but a length of rope.
posted by Mitheral at 1:15 PM on November 22, 2015


Oh man. If there's ever an autocorrect hall of fame, that one's going in.

Sorry to disillusion you, yesster, but my holidays are much more sedate than that post would seem to imply.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 2:29 PM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]


Potentially off-topic and maybe I should repost in another thread: If anyone is eating duck this year, is anyone gonna make this as a side with the duck fat? I would looooove to hear what y'all think about this recipe @__@ Also, is turkey fat even tasty in the same way duck fat is? The Food Lab's Thanksgiving - Crispy Smashed Duck Fried Potatoes
posted by yueliang at 2:34 PM on November 22, 2015


Goose that smells bad is not good for human food, just saying. We had goose the other week, and - oh the possibilities!

First, I tried it the (purported) Polish way, stuffed with rinsed and slightly spiced-up Sauerkraut. The plus is that the Kraut gets all nice and goose-fatty (as opposed to abrasive-"healthy" sour), and the bird's meat gets more tender than in any other method previously tested.
Also the drippings, caught in a pan with enough water to never fully dry out and burn, were FAN-TASTIC, just like that.
So Roast Day was a success already. I collected most of the fat on the sauce, before serving said sauce, and stored it in the fridge. I had also taken out whatever fat rolls were loose inside the bird and rendered them on super-low heat. I also had fried the bits of liver in some fat for snacks. I also had started a small pot of stock with wingtips, stomach, heart.

Second, leftover, day was great too, since the breasts were so nice and tender and slightly krauty-sour but not too much and the rest of the sauce was ideal for warming it all up. Second-day sauerkraut (the best kind) on the side.

So, now we had a heap of bones left and I filled a stockpot with them, and a few veggies, and the starter-stock from the previous day, and herbs; and slow-heated the combo, and let it putter away for a day (working at home does have its advantages). Discarded the bones, collected the meat in shreds (carefully taking care not to include tiny bones and grit), including stomach (now soft) and heart (idem). The retrieved post-stock meat went into a skillet with a few tablespoons of the fat, allspice, pepper and salt and got cooked into rillettes.

Stock went into the freezer.

So now there's fat fat fat fat in bowls in the fridge. We had Chicken confit the other day, white cabbage in goose fat on another day, and we're just starting!

Nononono. Give me goose any time.
posted by Namlit at 3:16 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]


There are effectively no turkeys in Korea, but when I get back to Canada once every couple or three years to visit my mom, I'll cook her lots of good stuff, and she'll always cook a turkey for me. Well, us, but mostly me.

They are never less than perfect, as they have been for decades. She knows what she's doing.

I want some turkey right now, but I'll have to wait until sometime in 2017, I guess.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:00 PM on November 22, 2015


Metafilter: Fat.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:55 PM on November 22, 2015


Roasting a bird doesn't make any sense, from a thermodynamic point-of-view. Instead, to heat the meat consistently, butterfly it and lay it flat - marinate however you wish, but the result will be 150% better. Flat plane bird is heated more consistently than a spherical mass; with a spherical bird, the center core will never get enough heat unless the outer rim is burned.
posted by Monkey0nCrack at 7:36 PM on November 22, 2015


Oh man. I just staggered back home from a rigorous - but beautiful! - hike today, and collapsed on the couch to let my muscles seize up (hoping some alcohol will combat some of that) and catch up on this thread. Now I want SO SO BADLY to cook fatty bird* and soak up all the heavenly grease with vegetables! I guess I'll have to be content with leftover pasta, meanwhile dreaming of my next trip to the grocery store....

*Incidentially, "Fatty Bird" is the name of my newly-developed smartphone game app
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:45 PM on November 22, 2015


with a spherical bird, the center core will never get enough heat unless the outer rim is burned

But birds aren't spherical; they have a honking big should-remain-unstuffed body cavity.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 8:52 PM on November 22, 2015


Metafilter: fat fat fat fat in bowls
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:53 AM on November 23, 2015


Thanksgiving at andrewesque's parents' house:

- Honey-baked ham with pineapples
- Stuffing (made from Mrs. Cubbison's stuffing mix)
- BBQ beans (from a can)
- Cornbread (from the Marie Callender's mix)
- Mashed potatoes (from a mix)
- Roasted Brussels sprouts
- Steamed broccoli and green beans
...and Chinese hot pot (delicious chicken broth with thinly sliced meats, fishcakes of various types, lots of leafy green vegetables, served with shacha sauce)

As you may gather, I hail from a Chinese-American family. The funny thing about our menu is that we used to eat turkey when I was a kid -- I think my parents wanted us to get the full American Thanksgiving tradition, so I do have memories of eating dry turkey (for me, turkey dark meat >>>> turkey white meat) in my childhood. Then at some point, we all realized that none of us actually liked eating turkey so we happily switched to honey-baked ham with pineapple slices, which has been our Thanksgiving mainstay since.

Hot pot's been there all along and I can't envision a holiday meal without it -- I personally think more people should adopt the custom. It's nice to have soup to wash down all the other foods and the crunch of napa cabbage is a nice complement to everything else.

You might also notice that a large proportion of our food comes from cans and mixes. As it turns out, when you eat these foods exactly twice a year (we generally repeat a very similar menu at Christmas and New Year's, except with lamb replacing ham) and you want it to taste exactly the same every year, mixes are the way to go. As a self-professed foodie who cooks nearly all his meals at home and views dining out in New York City as his major form of entertainment, I have to admit I've had homemade stuffing, homemade cornbread and homemade BBQ beans and I much prefer these dishes made industrially in a factory. (I will concede that homemade mashed potatoes are much better than the kind made from a mix.)
posted by andrewesque at 8:50 AM on November 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


But birds aren't spherical; they have a honking big should-remain-unstuffed body cavity.

Especially geese.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:56 PM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


We should send poor stavros a turkey.
posted by wierdo at 9:36 PM on November 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


I stumbled across this pretty delicious-looking single-pan Thanksgiving dinner courtesy of MetaFilter favorite Leanne Brown (Good & Cheap). It takes around 90 minutes and basically you roast two turkey legs, surrounded by potatoes, sweet potatoes, brussels sprouts, and garlic, in a single sheet pan in the oven (starting with the turkey, then adding the potatoes and sprouts later in the cooking). Serves 2-4!

I thought some of you having smaller holidays might enjoy the recipe.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:32 AM on November 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


FWIW, the tandoori turkey was really nice. The spicy seasoning added a lot to the otherwise not-so-flavorful turkey, and the place served it with a side of potato curry that I believe incorporated some of the turkey drippings in the curry sauce. We got it with saag paneer, which is the usual spinach-and-cheese dish. In all, it gave the smoked duck a run for its money.
posted by Mothlight at 9:31 PM on November 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


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