please stop roasting my goddamned shoes
November 25, 2015 12:18 PM   Subscribe

I don't remember buying these gaudy mother fuckin shoes but am i gonna wear em? you bet your ass posted by Rustic Etruscan (93 comments total) 63 users marked this as a favorite
 
shoes look like a mad doctor turned a pimp inside out

That's golden.
posted by leotrotsky at 12:26 PM on November 25, 2015 [6 favorites]


Glad you enjoyed the shoe content. Interactions have been through the roof. All credit really goes to my social media team; once I saw the viral opportunity the shoes presented, they agreed to put in a late night coming up with some fantastic content. They stayed totally on-brand, on-message across the board, and I think that’s really come through in the engagement numbers.

A couple of the guys on my team had been interns for Jon’s branded content crew at one point, so I think they enjoyed the chance to be on the other side of it. Best part was that Jon’s team had already logged out for the night, so he was basically powerless to respond. Comedy is all about timing.

There’s no real hard feelings between Dave and I. I think he’s really smart and really funny. Only thing is, he tends to hire vengeful scoundrels for his social team. The entire reason the roast went on as long as it did is that they knew from having worked with me that my head writer Paulo had already gone to bed, leaving me essentially unable to respond. It was pretty bad at the time—my Klout went down almost 4 points—but thankfully I don’t believe it damaged my brand irreparably. Interactions and brand awareness are as strong as ever, and Dave and I made up over a bottle of white zin a few weeks later.


I'm pretty sure that this is satire, but a small part of me isn't sure.
posted by leotrotsky at 12:31 PM on November 25, 2015 [18 favorites]


I'm pretty sure that this is satire, but a small part of me isn't sure.

This might clear that up.
posted by figurant at 12:33 PM on November 25, 2015 [13 favorites]


Jeb Lund's contributions to this heckle are invaluable. Especially this run:
@fart "i carry this shoe around just in case someone asks me what christian ska is"

@fart the limited edition of this shoe plays fatboy slim every time you take a step

@fart these are the kind of shoes you put on when you're planning to fuck your claymation girlfriend

@fart these are shoes people wear to yiff in when they’re LARPing as clifford the big red dog

@fart one of these shoes played an exclamation point in the saved by the bell intro
posted by rorgy at 12:33 PM on November 25, 2015 [23 favorites]


I'd love to see the Twitterverse take on these shoes, which a fellow fan had on when we saw a ball game in July. Those are the very best shoes ever and if you disagree, I will fight you.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:37 PM on November 25, 2015 [8 favorites]


this is why they made up the internet, so twitter could be invented and metafilter could be invented, and this fpp could be posted, all so that I could read those priceless slams.
posted by janey47 at 12:38 PM on November 25, 2015 [10 favorites]


DirtyOldTown, fight me.
posted by Mchelly at 12:41 PM on November 25, 2015 [16 favorites]


None of this makes sense to me.

a guy with a large twitter following publicly admitted he planned to wear a pair of awful shoes, and his friends with large twitter followings proceeded to make fun of the shoes

that's it
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:42 PM on November 25, 2015 [12 favorites]


Those are fine shoes, Mchelly. But if I had a better angle on the vacant gaping maw on those Elvis head shoes, you would be able to see you were defeated. I will look for another pic...
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:45 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]


Sometimes twitter is the best.
posted by graventy at 12:54 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]


DirtyOldTown, fight me.

Mchelly wins.
posted by zarq at 12:56 PM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


We all win! My life is made better by knowing those shoes exist.
posted by mochapickle at 12:58 PM on November 25, 2015 [5 favorites]


I thought this couldn't get funnier until I saw the Complex video about it, which appears to be the result of hurriedly throwing the storify at an intern and telling them to sort of guess at what might be a narrative
posted by Greg Nog at 1:12 PM on November 25, 2015 [8 favorites]


these shoes look like quentin tarantino’s whole vibe like as a person not as an artist
posted by numaner at 1:12 PM on November 25, 2015 [11 favorites]


Holy shit. David was tweeting a bespoke burn every two minutes for over an hour. Usually you only see that kind of burn efficiency in long-haul space probes.
posted by Iridic at 1:16 PM on November 25, 2015 [68 favorites]


when this showed up in my stream without context, it took me a few minutes to realize it wasn't actually an achewood strip that i had somehow overlooked
posted by murphy slaw at 1:18 PM on November 25, 2015 [19 favorites]


I thought this couldn't get funnier until I saw the Complex video about it, which appears to be the result of hurriedly throwing the storify at an intern and telling them to sort of guess at what might be a narrative

The intersection of Entertainment Tonight filler psychology and twitter person psychology is weird as fuck.
posted by brennen at 1:41 PM on November 25, 2015


"Those are straight up from a porno about a clown."

I'm having a tough day with a sick pet, and this made me laugh my ass off. Thank you.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:42 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]


I know I already said these are some french stewart ass shoes but these are the stone cold french stewartest shoes on the planet
posted by annathea at 1:45 PM on November 25, 2015 [11 favorites]


Reading this was good for the sole.
posted by nubs at 2:03 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]


I know I already said these are some french stewart ass shoes but these are the stone cold french stewartest shoes on the planet

I have already read this entire exchange at least three times, once out loud, and this bit still made me have to hold in my laughter so hard my cubiclemate honestly thought I was having some sort of medical event.
posted by Etrigan at 2:04 PM on November 25, 2015 [6 favorites]


The burns that I get conjure amazing images and feelings.
posted by klarck at 2:11 PM on November 25, 2015


I know I already said these are some french stewart ass shoes but these are the stone cold french stewartest shoes on the planet

It is VERY important to note that the original burns occurred on February 20th, which happens to be the birthday of none other than Mr. French Stewart himself.
posted by rorgy at 2:14 PM on November 25, 2015 [9 favorites]


Amid all the hilarious uber-snark, this is the one that really made me howl:
@fart the shoes are a little much jon
posted by FelliniBlank at 3:08 PM on November 25, 2015 [21 favorites]


i missed the year cruella deville headlined warped tour

omfgggg
posted by en forme de poire at 3:23 PM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


Actually though I think my favorite might be "they cancelled the episode of project runway where drake was the guest host because someone made these shoes on it" because the scene it invites you to imagine is so amazing
posted by en forme de poire at 3:24 PM on November 25, 2015 [7 favorites]


dogg these shoes look like quentin tarantino’s whole vibe like as a person not as an artist

That is fuckin end-of-friendship-level coldness right there
posted by Hoopo at 3:42 PM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


Weird Twitter
posted by Sebmojo at 3:42 PM on November 25, 2015


@Arr @fart i mean how else do you recycle the upholstery from a modesto strip club's champagne room
posted by FelliniBlank at 3:43 PM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


These shoes make your feet feel like they're in one of the creepier David Lynch movies.
posted by davejh at 3:51 PM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


Pretty sure Guy Fieri is wondering where he left his shoes.
posted by Requiax at 3:54 PM on November 25, 2015 [7 favorites]


Greg Nog: "the Complex video about it, "

I'm also fascinated that they censor the audio when she's quoting tweets with swears in them, but not when she says "roasting the shit out of him."
posted by RobotHero at 3:57 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm pretty sure those are the shoes Jessica Rabbit wears to her Zumba class.
posted by FelliniBlank at 4:19 PM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


Those shoes look like Vince Vaughn in 'Psycho' killed Vince Vaughn in 'Swingers'
posted by leotrotsky at 4:19 PM on November 25, 2015 [9 favorites]


Those shoes look like a blood sacrifice of Dan Cortese.
posted by leotrotsky at 4:24 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]


The little break of 'anyway, great shoes, enjoy' killed me.
posted by Fig at 4:30 PM on November 25, 2015 [6 favorites]


I found the Elvis shoes:

From the manufacturer?
More pictures
Amazon
posted by postel's law at 4:44 PM on November 25, 2015


And now I realize that the Star Wars shoes and the Elvis shoe are both from Irregular Choice...Everybody wins!
posted by postel's law at 4:46 PM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


Yup. They also make kittens.
posted by Mchelly at 4:50 PM on November 25, 2015


Those shoes look like a Diva Cup by Ed Hardy
posted by leotrotsky at 5:00 PM on November 25, 2015 [19 favorites]


If Max Headroom and The Cramps had a bastard lovechild, those would be its baby booties.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:13 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]


Thoae shoes look like the direct line to Moscow for President Fred Durst
posted by leotrotsky at 5:25 PM on November 25, 2015 [8 favorites]


HEIDI KLUM: Your assignment was to design a sweater set for Drake to wear on the cover of next month's Cigar Aficionado.

[DESIGNER nods miserably]

HEIDI: How was it, then, that you ended up with these shoes?

DESIGNER: I started with a sweater, but then I kinda screwed up the shoulder gussets late last night and I didn't have enough rayon to fix it, so I thought I better start over on something else, and so I asked myself, what does Drake like? And the answer was bowling. Drake likes bowling, and the finer things in life. So... [looks helplessly at TIM GUNN, who flinches from eye contact]

MICHAEL: Wow. I bet if you sprinkled holy water on those shoes, the Mighty Mighty Bosstones would fly out.

NINA: [to the model] You were walking a little gingerly up there. Are they...are they comfortable?

MODEL:
Honestly? It's like putting my feet in Pauly Shore's mouth.

HEIDI: I have not encountered shoes like that since I was a teenager, when the Wall fell, and I saw East Germans for the first time.

MICHAEL: I'm pretty sure those shoes were a cast member on the last season of All That.

DRAKE: [is speechless with admiration]
posted by Iridic at 5:33 PM on November 25, 2015 [41 favorites]


Those shoes look like Professor Spacetime's Drag Queen Nemesis
posted by leotrotsky at 5:37 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]


Actual public snort laughing. I needed that!
posted by Space Kitty at 5:37 PM on November 25, 2015


Those shoes are what happens when a cobbler makes a Faustian pact with a sentient wallet chain.
posted by leotrotsky at 5:45 PM on November 25, 2015 [11 favorites]


Korbel Winery presents A Vince Neil Christmas
posted by Room 641-A at 6:04 PM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


quantum leap cold open where Sam leaps into a new body and he just looks down and sees the shoes and goes "oh boy"

dying. dy-ing.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:05 PM on November 25, 2015 [10 favorites]


Those shoes look like what Blossom was wearing the first time Joey said Woah.
posted by Mchelly at 6:47 PM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


I'm in bed immobilised right now, but this shit had me convulsing with laughter. Best thing all week.
posted by flippant at 6:51 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]


Didn't Chris Isaak die in those shoes in Married to the Mob?
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:19 PM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


Those are the official shoes of the Battle Royale reboot starring Parliament Funkadelic.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:21 PM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


They're Exhibit 'A' in the trial of the Rockabilly Spree Killer.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:40 PM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


The table is set and the food prep is done and my err is empty and so I really should be in bed...but this thread is making me snort too loud for my wife to get to sleep.

Bless you, bless you all.

(But Christ, those shoes look like they were cut out of a "Saw" movie sequel.)
posted by wenestvedt at 7:46 PM on November 25, 2015


From Victoria's Secret's Santa Collection.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:57 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]


Dude when you skinned the Cadillac for those shoes it was wasteful not to use the longhorns.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:04 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]


Those are the shoes they pulled off Witchypoo in the H.R. Pufnstuff version of The Wizard of Oz
posted by Mchelly at 8:17 PM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]


Those shoes have credit so bad they have to have their cell phone contract in their girlfriend's name.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:25 PM on November 25, 2015


Those are some serious Denise Huxtable knocking off Gordon Gartrell shoes
posted by Mchelly at 8:37 PM on November 25, 2015 [5 favorites]


Rejected Fallout: New Vegas tie-in product shoes.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:43 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]


Man. I did not even get a number of these, but those that I did get just killed me. Chester Cheetah's alcoholic jazz musician father is beyond brilliant. Beyond.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 9:26 PM on November 25, 2015 [5 favorites]


@fart hey I gotta go to bed but remind me tomorrow that I wanted to tell you some shit about your shoes
posted by triggerfinger at 10:23 PM on November 25, 2015 [6 favorites]


dawg when you put those shoes on they'll just look like regular red vans yo

I don't think I'm doing this right.
posted by cmoj at 1:55 AM on November 26, 2015 [4 favorites]


they'll just look like regular red vans yo

Yeah, but any time you walk on a tile floor, they'll squeak really loudly to the tune of "Mambo No. 5."
posted by teponaztli at 2:17 AM on November 26, 2015 [22 favorites]


Insulting a friend's shoes is one of the true pleasures of existence, as anyone man can tell you

FTFY.

This whole friend insult thing is a bit thin, and, AFAICT, a very young man sort of thing. I mean, I suppose women rib each other about stuff, but the epic escalation is a male thing.

I recall there was something in the blue this year about male insult culture, and how that is part of the girls-not-wanted club in tech circles.

Anyway, this is immediately how this felt to me.
posted by clvrmnky at 6:02 AM on November 26, 2015


clvrmnky for the most metafilter comment of all time
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 7:51 AM on November 26, 2015 [13 favorites]


like someone took the essence of clvrmnky's comment and turned its nemesis into those shoes
posted by numaner at 8:29 AM on November 26, 2015 [2 favorites]


These shoes still get excited about The Cherry Poppin' Daddies.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:36 AM on November 26, 2015 [3 favorites]


The Tin Man saw those shoes and gave his brain back.
posted by Room 641-A at 9:01 AM on November 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Pretty sure I just saw one of those shoes in the Macy's parade. Ronald McDonald was riding in it.
posted by Mchelly at 9:03 AM on November 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Those shoes are from the alternate universe where Chris Gaines won World War II.
posted by Iridic at 9:05 AM on November 26, 2015 [7 favorites]


How can this be on Twitter and not one person said WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSE
posted by fungible at 9:54 AM on November 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


can't believe these jokers made up their own insults instead of using a stock phrase from elsewhere … what a missed opportunity
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 11:01 AM on November 26, 2015 [2 favorites]


I showed those shoes to Flavor Flav, and he was like 'I don't know, they might be a little bit much. Boyeeeee--several minutes pass--eeeeeeeeee!'
posted by box at 11:49 AM on November 26, 2015 [3 favorites]


clvrmnky for the most metafilter comment of all time

Hardly. I'd have to try a lot harder than this.

This just reminds me of being a tiresome 20-something. It was funny only because they carried it on so far, which is... not the sort of humour I get much anymore. I don't want to be a hater (and, really, I'm not hating these guys, or this post) but my assumption (unfair, perhaps) is that these guys also trade Monty Python lines back and forth, too. Or do "Top 10" lists. Or quote whatever screens the kids watch these days.

It's a thing, I know. But this is how it goes after awhile.

And I wasn't kidding about the other article that hit the blue. It is this exact sort of inside-joke never-ending ribbing that many of your co-workers and friends absolutely hate. I don't hate, but I see how it can happen.
posted by clvrmnky at 12:11 PM on November 26, 2015


As a 20-something, I humbly propose that it is not me and my ilk being tiresome today.
posted by rorgy at 12:20 PM on November 26, 2015 [6 favorites]


in all sincerity i really did believe we were talking about Edward Scissorfeet
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 12:31 PM on November 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Dude, 20-somethings are /always/ being tiresome. 30-somethings, too. Also, 40s. It is a rite of passage.

The only thing that changes is the expression of tiresome.
posted by clvrmnky at 12:43 PM on November 26, 2015


I mean, to be fair, I don't think the shoes are all that bad, I'd just feel weird wearing something made out of a dead Thundercat.
posted by teponaztli at 12:47 PM on November 26, 2015 [15 favorites]


I remember Vans like that from the 80s, though. I would have probably wanted them back then, too. Or worn them with an edgy bowling shirt in the 90s. Funny how these things change over the years, and how they also stay the same.
posted by clvrmnky at 1:09 PM on November 26, 2015


Insulting a friend's shoes is one of the true pleasures of existence, as anyone man can tell you

FTFY.


I understand you sharing your own experiences with this type of thing, but I don't know why, in a lighthearted thread filled with both men and women, you also felt the need to unilaterally declare that this was now exclusively something men enjoy. Personal anecdotes can be a powerful way to introduce people to a concept, but as a women who thought this was hilarious and who wouldn't have minded being the one roasted in the situation, I'm not sure what message you're trying to send when you say that.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:34 PM on November 26, 2015


I saw those shoes on the dancer in a fifth-wave ska band that only played Crazy Town covers.
posted by box at 4:53 PM on November 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


I thought I was pretty clear. It reminded me exactly of that article that made it into the blue about these sorts of escalation jokes. I presented it in a very neutral manner.

But I recognized the form, and how it comes across, and gave you my own wry interpretation. I will certainly not apologize for that, but I understand if my own joke fell short.

I'm certainly not trying to rain on anyone's parade, and I was pretty clear about seeing the humour (mostly because I have done exactly this sort of thing with friends), and also seeing something about it that doesn't work for others.

But I will not back down from recognizing a certain way that these jokes can feel gendered, as previously discussed right on this site. A conversation that aligned with my own experiences as a man.

I'm not sure how much I buy into this specific thing, but it gave me pause, and caused to think about how I am on Twitter, at work, and when interacting with a variety of people.

So that's where I'm coming from, in case we need to hose out the last vestigial humour from this event.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:00 PM on November 26, 2015


I didn't ask you to back down or apologize about anything, I didn't even disagree with you. I asked you one very specific question. You said it was a supposed to be joke. I agree it fell short. Thank you for answering the question.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:16 PM on November 26, 2015


WHAT? I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THESE SHOES ARE TOO LOUD!
posted by davejh at 9:51 PM on November 26, 2015 [3 favorites]


Nice shoes. Do they come in red?
posted by Room 641-A at 10:29 PM on November 26, 2015 [4 favorites]


None of this makes sense to me.

Thus continues the uncanny resemblance to a thread about Achewood. I imagine Stan Chin will be by shortly.
posted by vanar sena at 12:42 AM on November 27, 2015 [1 favorite]


These are the shoes Brian Setzer wears as a traveling cast member in the musical production of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."
posted by krinklyfig at 6:11 AM on November 27, 2015 [3 favorites]


Freddie Mercury's cocaine money got a job selling these shoes at a mall kiosk.
posted by krinklyfig at 6:15 AM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]


When they thawed out Encino Man he was already wearing these shoes
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:08 PM on November 29, 2015 [6 favorites]


There is a 15 minute scene that was cut from Empire Records that is just Ethan Embry in the back room of the store trying on these shoes again and again and giggling to nobody.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:12 PM on November 29, 2015 [3 favorites]


Carrot Top has a custom pair of these shoes where the heels are raised and he uses them to do barbell squats.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:17 PM on November 29, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm surprised no one has called for a boycott of Vans for having such non-Christmasy shoes
posted by numaner at 3:33 PM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


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