Leatherman – his colleagues found him a complete tool
November 30, 2015 10:26 AM   Subscribe

The Weird World Of Military Nicknames is a (mostly lighthearted) article from a site that focuses on the British armed forces: "Of course the fresh-faced recruit is too junior to protest, if s/he even understands the black humour behind their re-christening. The nickname may stick with them for the rest of their career, and will be used all the more if it particularly upsets the poor soldier / sailor / airman lumbered with it."

But the comments section here is even more interesting, with many former soldiers commenting on their own service-inspired nicknames ("I was called 'Max Headroom' as per the cartoon bloke with a bighead ... cos I knew the velocity of a 762"), or their fellow soldiers ("I'll never forget on day one of recruit training in Australia, we had a recruit called Sylvester Felix, he very quickly became Two Cats"), or in one case, the instance of a resolutely failed snarky nickname: "One sgt tried getting the nick name 'get fit gill' to catch on but it never did. It was acquired because It was discovered I was not as fit as everyone else during one pt session. But even now on civvies street I get called by my last name rather than my first purely because it's only 1 syllable."
posted by taz (64 comments total) 22 users marked this as a favorite
 
I've always said that the most unrealistic part of Top Gun were the callsigns. Because real call signs aren't cool, they're embarrassing.
posted by NoxAeternum at 10:34 AM on November 30, 2015 [21 favorites]


Yeah Maverick would have been "Short Stack" or "Beaver Teeth"
posted by French Fry at 10:40 AM on November 30, 2015 [23 favorites]


The leading photo reminds me of an unrelated question I had once wondered about. How do those guys manage to talk or yell without accidentally chewing on the hat's chain strap?
posted by ardgedee at 10:41 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


"Half Pint"
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:42 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm afraid that he's going to accidentally bite down on his chinstrap and chip a tooth.
posted by cosmic.osmo at 10:42 AM on November 30, 2015


I was "Mac", which I thought was a really boring nickname but now I see it could have been so, so much worse.
posted by Mogur at 10:44 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


For Cruise, I might go with "Merry" or "Pippen".


Possibly "Samwise".
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:47 AM on November 30, 2015 [6 favorites]


Friend of mine, a flyboy, had the callsign "Dash" due to a particularly memorable incident. He was in the aircraft, when all of a sudden he pops the top and scrambles out, limping for the nearest corpsman.

He had, while getting kitted up, rather vigorously put his survival knife in its sheath ... and missed.

Dumb Ass Stabbed Himself.
DASH.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:53 AM on November 30, 2015 [41 favorites]


How do those guys manage to talk or yell without accidentally chewing on the hat's chain strap?

Practice.

Seriously, you'd be amazed how much time those guys spend making sure they're fitting the Drill Sergeant mold.
posted by Etrigan at 10:59 AM on November 30, 2015


The comments are indeed as good as the article. And it looks like the comments here have great potential as well.
posted by TedW at 11:01 AM on November 30, 2015


Well, now I'm going to view GI Joe code names in a completely different way.
posted by drezdn at 11:02 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


TheWhiteSkull: "For Cruise, I might go with "Merry" or "Pippen"."

Clambake
posted by chavenet at 11:04 AM on November 30, 2015 [8 favorites]


Me too, NoxAeternum--I saw that movie after a lifetime of being around my dad the fighter pilot and his buddies, who got call signs like "Whale" and "W.W." Occasionally one might sound potentially cool--my dad was "Jackal"--but the origin story of the name itself was never cool. In Top Gun, the characters have call signs that a kid would fantasize about, all hyped up and super macho and coooool.

(Except for Goose, whose call sign was the most realistic, and who was of course due to get killed.)

(...spoilers.)
posted by theatro at 11:06 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


Because real call signs aren't cool, they're embarrassing.

Ah, but the "cool" call signs are given ironically -- so "Maverick" was a total rules-following martinet when he was an ensign; "Iceman" was known for emotional outbursts at inappropriate times... "Goose" was the only one who was good enough to get a dumb code name. I mean, honestly, Michael Ironside is Jester, which is a word that no one has ever applied to any Michael Ironside character unironically.
posted by Etrigan at 11:06 AM on November 30, 2015 [5 favorites]


For Cruise, I might go with "Merry" or "Pippen".

Sonic?
posted by Rock Steady at 11:07 AM on November 30, 2015


For Cruise, I might go with "Merry" or "Pippen".

Sonic?


Thumbkin, cf. the nursery rhyme and Gen. Tom Thumb, the Barnum sideshow attraction
posted by Diablevert at 11:21 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


Gotta admire anyone who can stand there getting yelled at by a man with one of those ridiculous furry hats covering his eyes without cracking a smile.
posted by straight at 11:24 AM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


Carol "Captain Marvel" Danvers, a former pilot with the USAF, had the callsign "Cheeseburger" due to an ill-advised meal choice prior to riding the high-g simulator.

My best friend in high school earned the military nickname of "Mongo," for he was a large gentleman who knew that he was only a pawn in the game of life.
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 11:40 AM on November 30, 2015 [4 favorites]


I heard a couple of good ones during my time in the RAF, notably 'Ground Plane' for a rather inept electronics technician - he had zero potential.

Then there was the officer who was infamous for not so much a lack of intelligence as an ability to do the daftest thing possible under the circumstances. He was widely known as 'Wedge', i.e. the simplest tool known to mankind.
posted by Major Clanger at 11:54 AM on November 30, 2015 [13 favorites]


I've always said that the most unrealistic part of Top Gun were the callsigns. Because real call signs aren't cool, they're embarrassing.

Indeed. I knew a pilot whose callsign was "Poof," and no, he wouldn't tell me the story.

That, or the callsign is just a play off someone's name, like, another pilot I knew named Jenkins, and his callsign was Junkers. Which at least had an aviation tie-in, but wasn't terribly original.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:59 AM on November 30, 2015


Me: (variously)
Buddha
Dead Guy (D.G.)
Ripcord
mule

Them:
Capt. Cartwheel
Twee
Lurch
Mother
Twin
Rakemouth
Sweet Pee
Talent
Hung Low
Moose
posted by mule98J at 12:04 PM on November 30, 2015 [5 favorites]


He was widely known as 'Wedge', i.e. the simplest tool known to mankind.

I would have been thinking, "Oh heavens, not that, please don't give me the same nickname as the only pilot with two Death Stars stencilled on his fuselage."
posted by The Tensor at 12:08 PM on November 30, 2015 [10 favorites]


He was widely known as 'Wedge', i.e. the simplest tool known to mankind.

I would have been thinking, "Oh heavens, not that, please don't give me the same nickname as the only pilot with two Death Stars stencilled on his fuselage."


Trying to give your nickname a cooler origin story is like two seconds younger than the concept of nicknames. "Other cavemen call Thag 'Rock' because Thag cannot be broken, not at all because Thag tried to eat rock."
posted by Etrigan at 12:11 PM on November 30, 2015 [29 favorites]


Gotta admire anyone who can stand there getting yelled at by a man with one of those ridiculous furry hats covering his eyes without cracking a smile.

It helps that you're also wearing the furry hat.
Let's see what our Scots Guards drill sergeant is wearing… from left to right, GSM (Northern Ireland), Iraq, OSM (Afghanistan), QEII Golden Jubilee, QEII Diamond Jubilee, ACSM, LS & GCM.
posted by zamboni at 12:29 PM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


One of the benefits of having a short last name with a grade-school level humorous interpretation is it made nicknames entirely superfluous. I have, however, been called both "Lurch" and "Chewie"
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 12:29 PM on November 30, 2015


My army nickname was "snowball" due to my fair complexion and perhaps because of a certain drinking incident while I was still the youngest member of the regiment.
posted by furtive at 12:30 PM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


Trying to give your nickname a cooler origin story is like two seconds younger than the concept of nicknames.

Which is why I said "thinking", not "saying".
posted by The Tensor at 12:35 PM on November 30, 2015


My father was 'Freddy Brown Shoes', because his promotion to petty officer --- which at that time required brown shoes worn with the uniform, rather than a seaman's black shoes --- became official in the middle of his duty shift. He knew he wouldn't be permitted to go change shoes mid-shift, so he went on-shift, still a seaman, wearing a petty officer's brown shoes, and his shipmates renamed him.
posted by easily confused at 12:38 PM on November 30, 2015 [5 favorites]


I once met a Marine Corps aviator (He was an MV-22 Osprey driver) with the callsign "Trainwreck" embroidered on his flight suit.

I am dying to know how he earned it but I was too gobsmacked by the awesomeness of the Osprey (we were touring it at an airshow) to remember to ask.
posted by Thistledown at 12:45 PM on November 30, 2015 [3 favorites]


Of course, I'm pretty much the exception to a lot of these.


My buddies used to call me "Ace".
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:53 PM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm somewhat taken by the third pic down--that big open-mouthed smile flanked by the incredibly wicked-looking affixed bayonet.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:08 PM on November 30, 2015


I learned that being a Texan and being nicknamed "Tex" is like being given Texas' greatest achievement, like the Nobel prize, or a "not guilty because of self-defense". Also, shout out to the 9-20 Marines I christened as "Tex".

I mean, thanks for your service and everything, but it sounds like maybe you were doing military nicknames wrong?
posted by The Tensor at 1:11 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]


Friend of mine who served in Vietnam was named Trip. As in 'tripwire'. As in 'he's so damn clumsy he's gonna get himself killed with a booby trap'.
posted by Splunge at 1:27 PM on November 30, 2015


During the summers we used to bail hay.

That guy might be farming wrong, as well.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:28 PM on November 30, 2015 [6 favorites]


He credits the nickname with getting him out alive.
posted by Splunge at 1:28 PM on November 30, 2015 [4 favorites]


Rugby nicknames are similar. We had PBJ, lobster, lil bit, and pinkie.

I was lil bit. I got the nickname because in the process of getting tackled, the opposing player managed to carry me an extra 10 meters.
posted by domo at 2:06 PM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


PBJ stands for "punk bitch Jen", not the sandwich.
posted by domo at 2:18 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]


In roller derby, if you don't pick your derby name, someone else will pick it for you.

And even if you do chose your own name, there's the possibility that everyone will just ignore it and call you what they've been calling you since day 1.
posted by Lucinda at 2:22 PM on November 30, 2015 [3 favorites]


What about the racist nicknames? The article doesn't mention them, but I bet they exist. When Prince Harry was caught on video calling one of his fellow-cadets a 'Paki' he claimed it was just a harmless nickname. And let's not forget the Tory MP who explained that calling someone a 'black bastard' was just a normal part of Army life ..

Of course it all depends on context:

"I might call somebody a bent bastard and the guy might be a homosexual but I don't mean it like that. It depends how it is said. If I went up to him and jabbed him in the chest and said "you are a fucking bent bastard" then it would be using the term badly, but if I want to go up to someone and say "come on you bent bastard, get a move on" then that's quite a different thing."
posted by verstegan at 2:44 PM on November 30, 2015


The head of RAF Fighter Command in WWII, Air Chief Marshal Hugh Caswall Tremenheere Dowding, 1st Baron Dowding GCB, GCVO, CMG, was universally called "Stuffy", completely without irony, because of his complete lack of humour (not entirely true, apparently, but he did take things very seriously). However, as he had previously put into place most of the apparatus that stopped the UK getting completely buggered in the early parts of the war (radar, C3 systems, the right aircraft) by dint of foresight, energy and focus, he can be forgiven that.
posted by Devonian at 3:12 PM on November 30, 2015 [3 favorites]


I met a guy once, friend of friends, he stuck his hand out to shake: 'Beat off', he said.

'Beat off,' I said.

'Yep, I got caught once in the toilet beating off.'
posted by Sebmojo at 3:39 PM on November 30, 2015 [6 favorites]


was universally called "Stuffy", completely without irony, because of his complete lack of humour (not entirely true, apparently, but he did take things very seriously

Hah! Although one Bush biography insists his callsign was "Ellie," I read another book that said George H.W. Bush's callsign was "George Herbert Walker Bush," as he always introduced himself with his full name, because he wanted to get the full weight of his family heritage. He was a) the son of Sen. Prescott Bush and b) George Herbert Walker was his ultra-rich grandfather.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:41 PM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


I ?earned? 'Haywire' and not for good reasons.
posted by dorian at 3:54 PM on November 30, 2015


This kid, whose mama went to the trouble to christen him Omar Isaiah Betts... You know, he forgets his jacket, his nose starts running and some asshole, instead of giving him a Kleenex, he calls him "Snot". So he's Snot forever. Doesn't seem fair.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:57 PM on November 30, 2015 [5 favorites]


Because real call signs aren't cool, they're embarrassing.

Yeah. My favorite ever is "Cyndi", which was given to a pilot after he managed to hit the fuel dump switch while washing out his controls prior to a cat launch.

Cyndi, of course, means "Check You're Not Dumping, Idiot."
posted by eriko at 4:11 PM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


He was in the aircraft, when all of a sudden he pops the top and scrambles out, limping for the nearest corpsman.

Pssst...you don't put your survival knife in the sheath inside the cockpit.
posted by kjs3 at 4:51 PM on November 30, 2015


For most of my tour in Thailand, I was known as "Butch". Here's how it happened.
posted by pjern at 5:04 PM on November 30, 2015 [4 favorites]


Omar Isaiah Betts...

That is very nearly an anagram for A moist shit area, so I'm going with "could have been worse."
posted by Wolfdog at 5:17 PM on November 30, 2015


(Except for Goose, whose call sign was the most realistic, and who was of course due to get killed.)

Came for Goose, left satisfied.

(Have you heard the theory that the whole movie is Goose's morphine dream after being fatally wounded in the opening sequence?)
posted by grobstein at 5:55 PM on November 30, 2015 [6 favorites]


Go on.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:57 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]


My grandfather was 31 when he enlisted in the Navy. So he was "Pops."
posted by ob1quixote at 6:01 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]


If you served in the U.S. Military in decades gone by with the surname Gonzalez, there is a good chance your nickname was "Speedy." A know a former serviceman named Ybarra whose nickname is "Yogi".
posted by Ranucci at 6:30 PM on November 30, 2015


ROU_Xenophobe: "This kid, whose mama went to the trouble to christen him Omar Isaiah Betts... You know, he forgets his jacket, his nose starts running and some asshole, instead of giving him a Kleenex, he calls him "Snot". So he's Snot forever. Doesn't seem fair."

Life just be that way, I guess.
posted by Bugbread at 6:44 PM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]


The hats in the photos are just so totally undignified. No wonder they need nicknames, they provide some anonymity.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:10 PM on November 30, 2015


(Have you heard the theory that the whole movie is Goose's morphine dream after being fatally wounded in the opening sequence?)

I have not heard that! I like it. And it gives extra piquancy to the gleaming shirtless beach volleyball game. Goose, bro, your doped-out subconscious is EXTRA SEXY.
posted by theatro at 7:24 PM on November 30, 2015 [5 favorites]


Stagehands do this too. My father was "Ward," as in Cleaver, because he didn't get shitfaced, do drugs or cheat on his wife and spent most of his non-working hours with his family. His friends were "Ash Wednesday" (birthmark on his forehead), "flea bag" (was one), "cakes" (last name Fish) and "skippy," who left early a lot.

And nope. Not telling you any of mine. As was said above, none of em are nice.
posted by nevercalm at 8:07 PM on November 30, 2015


From one of the comments (from an Australian):
Best historical one I remember was a guy nicknamed 'Furph'. Apparently at Gallipoli in the trenches each platoon would send a water party back to Coy HQ with all their water bottles for a resup. Battalion HQ would send water forward in special handcarts made by J Furphy and sons. The name was stamped on the front of the carts. Whilst waiting to fill up their bottles soldiers would obviously have a cigarette and chat among themselves. This was one of the few times soldiers from different parts of the Battalion could gather together to pass on news/info/gossip. They brought back all these rumours etc when they brought back the water. As a result anybody known to trade in idle gossip or pass on shady rumours can be given the handle 'Furph' or 'Furphy'. The Furph I knew retired 4 or 5 years ago but that nickname dogged him for 25 years.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:36 PM on November 30, 2015 [4 favorites]


"Furphy" is in common use in Australia; it means "canard".

/duck fancier
posted by Wolof at 9:41 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]


Rocky - spends all his time alone beating meat.
posted by longbaugh at 1:43 AM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


PJB is my favourite nickname. Puple jumpered bastard. It fit him better than the jumper did.
posted by vbfg at 1:53 AM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


Battalion HQ would send water forward in special handcarts made by J Furphy and sons.

"Furphy" is in common use in Australia; it means "canard".

J Furphy & Sons is still a going concern in large tank & vessel engineering, but if you still have one of the old water carts, they'll happily rebarrel it for you.
posted by zamboni at 6:10 AM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


Having a surname common enough that there were three of us in my platoon, we three got assigned nicknames based on the first letter of our given names (based on the NATO phonetic alphabet). So I was "Hotel", the two others were "Papa" and "Romeo". Not very exiting as far as nicknames go.
posted by Harald74 at 7:07 AM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]


Air Chief Marshal Hugh Caswall Tremenheere Dowding, 1st Baron Dowding GCB, GCVO, CMG, was universally called "Stuffy", completely without irony, because of his complete lack of humour

Seems reasonable.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:12 AM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


J Furphy & Sons is still a going concern in large tank & vessel engineering, but if you still have one of the old water carts, they'll happily rebarrel it for you.

That is so cool! Not a great many companies stay around for 120 years, never mind still support products that old!
posted by Harald74 at 11:19 PM on December 1, 2015


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